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Kris took a careful breath, eyeing the drawer they'd shoved the soul in. It would be fine for the time being, but they would need to grab it before long or they would just… die. Crumbling in agony, no one ever knowing how or why they died, just that they were gone and never coming back. They couldn't keep doing this; locking their soul, their puppeteer, their savior in various places all because they were not one with their soul. The two of them were two different people, two people who would always be different people. They couldn't be the same because Kris was a stranger in their own home, while the soul had a place set for them at the dining table.
Their hands were trembling; they always did without the soul. It was codependency at its finest. The sort that Kris couldn't escape, no matter how much they tried, no matter how much they begged.
They braced their hand against the wall, pulling themselves to their feet in one fell swoop. They leaned on the wall as they quietly snuck back to their room. It was Asriel's too. Not that that mattered. He was at college. He'd moved on, so why couldn't they? They shook their head, trying to shake the bad thoughts away.
They fumbled for the door knob. Somehow managing to miss and punch the door, making a loud bang. They tensed, waiting for their mom to wake up and scold them.
But no one came.
They released a breath they didn't know they were holding. They sagged, unable to hold their body weight as they untensed.
They opened their door, and slowly closed it as to avoid any more loud noises; better to be safe than sorry. They flopped onto their bed face-first, staying there for a solid few minutes. However, as nice as it was to lay flat on their face, they couldn't breathe, so they wriggled until they were laying on their back, staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars attached to the ceiling. The stars had been placed there by Asriel. They had comforted Kris many a time, through the good and the bad they stuck, even when nothing else did.
They wished they were with Susie staring at the real stars. She didn't know about the soul, but she cared. She cared. She cared so much it hurt, she seems brash and, well, to put it in simple terms, like a jerk when you first meet her, but she's kind when she gets to know you and you get to know her. She has protected them numerous times, not for her own gain, but instead because she didn't want to see Kris hurt. Or that's how she seemed, anyway. Not that that care was actually meant for Kris. It was meant for that thing that puppeted them. And that was fine, totally fine, not like Kris could be jealous of something that had both stolen their life and fixed it simultaneously... It was complicated. More complicated than anything Kris had ever encountered, and yet so so simple. They and their soul were two different entities inhabiting the same space that copiloted a body, although the soul had more say and power. It seemed unfair to Kris: the fact that the original inhabitor had less control. Though, that was how it always went, history was proof enough.
Some days they wanted nothing more than to strangle the soul and just die along side it. As long as the soul was gone, it would be enough. Not that they would do that. They were too much of a weenie to do it. Everyone else thought so as well. They'd even gotten the pleasure of hearing people they had considered friends say it. And then Susie had threatened them, scaring them absolutely shitless. A smile tugged at their lips, but they resisted. They didn't deserve to have these feelings. Her aide was aimed at the soul, and they couldn't feel feelings for her thus. No. No way they could feel this when it wasn't for them.
And yet, and yet. They couldn't hate the soul. The soul was the only reason Kris had any friends, the only reason they weren't alone anymore. Except, those people didn't like Kris; they liked the thing that wore their face like a masquerade mask, parading around under the false guise of Kris. It hurt. No one had even noticed the switch. They just thought Kris was finally seeming likable. They weren't, they were just possessed.
Noelle, with whom they'd drifted away from, actually enjoyed their company when it wasn't even them. They were friends, once, only in childhood. Now she was friends with something else. Something more likeable, something that no matter how hard it tried, would never be able to be Kris. They weren't even close to who or what Kris stood for. Or, well, they were. Kris didn't believe in killing people all willy nilly because you want to, and that was something they were glad the soul agreed with them on. Noelle might never have forgiven them if they made her kill someone.
Hell, even Berdly liked the soul. Berdly. That absolute asshole who used Noelle's struggles for his own gain liked the puppet master. It made sense, Berdly was also using someone else for his own gain, and great minds think alike. While that could theoretically apply to Berdly, they liked the second half of that phrase better: though fools seldom differ. Berdly was a fool who was going to fail one day due to copying Noelle constantly. And the soul was foolish in their attempts to tame and control Kris; they would never give into that absolute mindfuck. Suffice to say, Kris didn't like Berdly and was a little annoyed Berdly and Susie were friends now. Kris was especially pissed off that they were friends with Berdly now without their consent. Berdly even wanted Kris to have a crush on him. It was… creepy. He was gross. Nothing was worse than having to hear what Berdly had said after Noelle's phone had been thrown by Susie. He'd done so many weird things, but nothing compared to what he said about other peoples' interpretations of him. He was annoying, and they were tired of no one even trying to knock him off his high horse.
Nonetheless, Kris could finally understand why people made deals with the devil, while the consequences were dire, for a moment you got to be on top of the world, thriving amongst those around you. However, the moment you slipped up, you had to pay the toll, you had to let them control what you had and were. Kris also could now understand why some people were nihilistic. Especially the Darkners, whose entire purpose was to serve Lightners; the very same Lightners who were foretold to bring about the end of life as everyone knew it. They would give up in that situation as well. It wasn't worth it to fight, so you might as well cut the strings that tie you to the world of sane, of the competent. They understood why Jevil was what he'd become; he was free. Free from the strings holding other people down, he'd begun to realize that nothing mattered in the end, which, as sad as the thought could be, brought Kris comfort. Nevertheless Ralsei kept trying to fight the fate of the world, Kris couldn't get it, but understood why Ralsei was angry. They were a traitor.
They couldn't judge anyone. Not with who they were, not with what they were, not with what they hid, not with who they lied to to get what they wanted.
And still, in this moment, all they wanted, more than anything else in the entire world, was to see Susie, to apologize, to beg for forgiveness, to beg for companionship. The longer they waited to grovel at her feet, the worse the odds of her clemency became. There was no way she would want to befriend a freak like Kris, not when the soul was what she knew, not when the soul was what she liked. It truly was a shame, but it was also a theory they kinda wanted to test.
They could go now, find out if she would still want to be friends with them. It would be a little difficult to get to her at this hour, but what would their life be a little without struggle? It was a bad idea, they were practically looking for trouble, but they had to know. They started picking the skin off of their lips as they contemplated. Oh, who were they kidding? They needed to do this for their mental health. If such thing existed, anyway.
Kris grabbed the frame of their bed and got to their feet. They snuck downstairs carefully, throwing on their shoes, and rushing out the door.
God, this had to be the stupidest idea they'd ever had, and yet, this was the most alive they'd ever felt. This was probably why people did stupid crap, things such as recreational cliff-jumping or caving. Bad ideas were such great thrills, even if the risk outweighed the reward. Kris had only ever once left their soul far away for a long period of time, and it had been tremendously painful. But it seemed worth it for this little piece of sanity it would bestow upon them, for this little piece of freedom it would give.
They stood in front of the apartment building Susie lived in, staring up, eyes wide and feral. The door would probably be locked, it almost always was. They sighed before fishing around in their pockets, trying to find something to get the lock open. One way or another, this door was going to be opening on the next few minutes. No one would think it was Kris, anyway. After a bit, they found their lock pick. They'd stolen it from Asriel after he left for college. They were pretty sure it had been Dess' at one point, but it had eventually migrated to Asriel's room. Probably sometime before she'd give missing. They'd looked up how to use them somewhat recently. Queen had probably chosen not to include that in their room to avoid aiding their escape. It made sense, it would be counterproductive to give them tools to leave with. If she did anything right, it was that.
Quietly they centered themselves, this would take some concentration. They messed with the lock for a bit before getting it to open with a satisfying click. They pushed open the door, internally going through their list of people on each floor, deducing she lived in the second floor in the second apartment. Without letting themself have time to second guess the decisions that had led there, they knocked. They heard shuffling that slowly grew louder before it stopped, seemingly behind the door. Kris fidgeted quietly, half wishing they hadn't done this, this wasn't worth the potential consequences. They could be wrong and pissing someone off, or they could be right and Susie would hate them forever because they'd broken an unspoken truce. What that truce was, they weren't quite sure, but there was one.
The door opened and Susie looked at them, seemingly unimpressed, "Kris? It's, uh, the middle of the night. Do you need something? Or are you just gonna keep standing there?" Kris stared at her for a moment. She was so much taller than them, it was scary. They'd never really noticed it before.
"Can we…" Kris' hands faltered, they weren't sure what to say, "…go to the lake? I need to talk to you." They started fidgeting with their sleeve after they finished signing. They looked down, trying to avoid looking anywhere in the vicinity of Susie.
"…Sure." She looked uncomfortable, she rubbed the nape of her neck. "Can I ask why? Or are you just gonna…" Susie trailed off when Kris started signing again.
"I'll tell you when we're there, it's…" Kris froze, they didn't quite know how to explain this without it taking forever, "…complicated." They trembled but led the way.
The walk through town was silent, save for the quiet chirping of crickets, and Susie and their breathing. The stars shone above, beautiful and infinite. The moon was but a crescent in the sky, it seemed to be smiling encouragingly down at the pair. Kris smiled back.
They were rapidly approaching the lake's shore, and Kris knew nothing more about how to describe their situation, who they were. They wrung their hands, debating what to say. And then they were at the lake, and Susie was sitting down. They hadn't been able to figure out anything to say; they were just going to wing it, even if she never wanted to see them again, that was okay, totally okay, as long as the truth was off their chest, anyway. Susie was looking at them now, analyzing, judging, distrusting.
"Kris, do you wanna, uh, talk about something else first?"
"That would be nice."
"I… I hate it sometimes, people just don't get it. My family has… Sometimes I just want to… Kris, have you ever thought about how small we are compared to the stars?" Kris looked at Susie curiously. "Look at 'em. DUDE, LOOK AT THEM." Kris carefully sat down and eased into laying down. The stars were shining brightly, they were breathtaking. "They're so large up there, and they matter and stuff. I heard somewhere that they light the way and guide sailors and lost people. In not sure if that's true, but they're like super cool. Uh, not that there's much to say outside of, well they matter. We don't, really. We just kinda fuck everything up. And before you get to say anything like "oh, it's not our fault, this is just fate according to the prophecy." We've never mattered. Not really, I know you're unpopular, don't try to lie to me. I know you betrayed us. But, I can't find myself mad at you. Even though you're, uh, helping the prophecy, I know you care about us." Susie sighed softly, "I know you think you're bad. But, you're kind, people like you, and you matter. People think you matter. I think you matter. You're important. Nothing we do matters, but you still care. I like that about you." Susie looked at them, she seemed to want to continue, but Kris couldn't let her, not in good conscious. Kris sat up, staring forward, Susie soon following.
They took a deep breath, shoulders rising before starting, "I've been trying to figure out how to explain this, and, I'm not sure how to, so I'm just going to try. I'm not the Kris you befriended. They're my soul, a kind of puppeteer, if you will, and I… I'm the puppet. I have the ability to remove my soul, it's not exactly pleasant, but I want to be… Me, sometimes." Kris glanced at Susie, and the look on her face seemed disgusted, disgusted by what was sitting next to them, and never before had everything hurt so much. Without meaning to, they faltered, stopped signing. Their shoulders shook and tears dripped from their eyes like little rain drops. They looked away and buried their face in their hands as their sobs became more intense. They tried to calm themself, to fight the tears, they kept wiping their eyes for some semblance of this normalcy they craved, but it wasn't working. They couldn't stop. The dam had cracked so badly, nothing could mend it. They doubled over as the force of their sobs increased. It hurt them, mentally, physically, hell, even spiritually.
A hand landed on their right shoulder. Susie had placed her arm around Kris' shoulders. She patted their arm lightly, seemingly unsure of what to do.
"I'm, uh, not mad. If that's what you were wondering." Kris kept weeping. "I think it's cool you told me, and from how you put it, fuck that soul thingy. But also, um, I guess I'm grateful we got to become friends." Susie looked distant, but she continued. "I guess I know the soul better than you, but I'd rather be friends with you." She was tense, but she seemed to be gaining some relief. "Yep." Kris silently leaned into Susie, a smile lightly on their face. "Okaaaay then. I guess we're, um, doing that now. That's totally just fine." Her voice raised an octave. Kris was still crying and Susie was running out of ideas. The pair was quiet for a few minutes, it would be domestic if it weren't for the reasons behind Kris' anguish. "So, you wanna go steal chocolate milk from the diner?" Kris burst into laughter and a smile found its way onto Susie's face.
"Only if you have a way to make sure we don't get caught." Kris signed almost illegibly from how hard they were laughing.
"Their security cameras are broken right now, but no one's noticed. I over heard Catti talking about it." Whispered Susie conspicuously with a grin.
"As down as I am for crimes, felony or not, they've already given me a crap ton of free stuff because I'm "depressed"." Kris made an over-the-top impression of adults, Susie cackled. "But, we could probably have some chocolate milk in my house, if that sounds good, that is." Kris leaned further into Susie, resting their head on her shoulder.
Susie snorted, "Yeah, that's good with me. Lead the way." Susie adjusted her grip to be under their armpits and picked them up, quickly setting them back down on their feet. Kris glared at her, pouting. "Are we gonna go or should I go home?" Kris straightened and started walking toward their house.
The atmosphere on the walk home was far less tense than the walk to the lake, although the evening felt even less real than before. This was nice. Is this what it felt like to be able to make your own decisions? It was so very relaxing, and it just felt… weird. Their feelings were mixed on the situation, on the one hand this was the freest they had ever felt, on the other, however, this was extremely stressful; the soul was going to find out that they had done this relatively soon, and that wouldn't be great. But they'd survive. They always had thus far, and would going forth.
Kris' hand silently inched toward Susie's as they walked, the warmth from Susie's hand kept getting closer, even when Kris stopped moving their hand. Was… was Susie's hands getting closer? No. No way. That had to be their imagination. Their hands touched, it was light, miniscule, barely notable, and yet it was absolutely everything to Kris. Kris' looked at Susie, catching her stare and smiling softly. They wondered if she was going to pull away. Kris focused their glance back on the way forward, but kept glancing in her direction. Out of the corner of their eye they caught Susie's shoulders rising. And then they were holding hands, her hand enveloped Kris'. Kris openly stared at Susie, eyes wide, unable to comprehend the situation or why Susie would do that. After short-circuiting for a moment, they chose to ignore it, or seem like they were anyway. They had broken into a child sweat, were they too hot? Too cold? Too sweaty? Were they actually holding hands with Susie? Susie. SUSIE. HOLY FUCK. THEY WERE HOLDING HANDS WITH SUSIE. AND SHE'D INITIATED??? WHAT DID THIS MEAN? WAS IT NOTHING?
What was happening right now? Like genuinely. They had to be sick in bed with a fever, there was no way this would, no, even could happen in real life. There was absolutely no way Susie could reciprocate their feelings, she was too… Susie. It was impossible.
But- what if it was? What would even happen if it was possible? What would happen if she liked the person outside of the soul, even if she barely knew them? They couldn't be with each other in the way she wanted to be; not with the soul there.
Kris was also like, ninety-nine percent sure the soul had a crush on Berdly. Berdly. The most disgraceful, disgusting, strenuous asshole in the world. They would never. But the soul was a whole 'nother person. Berdly wasn't Kris' cup of tea, but he also wasn't almost anyone's. Kris could probably tolerate being his friend if they had to be. But dating Berdly? Nope. No way.
It honestly sucked. They couldn't be happy while the soul was there. It sucked that there was at least a sliver of a chance that Susie could like them back. It was so so hard to put into words. The way they felt about Susie, to put it into a cohesive sentence and a full thought. Every time they saw her, they became lost for words, no matter how many witty one-liners they prepared, they were always gone when she appeared. It was maddening. It was maddening yet beautiful.
All too soon, they had arrived, Susie let go of their hand. It was probably so they could unlock the door, not that it was locked, Kris had been too much of a goner before they'd seen Susie to remember to lock it. Kris opened the door, holding it open for Susie, and waving her forward with a hand motion.
"Your mom doesn't know, right?" Kris gave Susie a concerned look. "NOT THAT! I MEAN THAT I'M HERE!" Kris' face drained of color and they whipped around, eyes darting around. "Oops." Kris was standing stock-still with their eyes having settled on the staircase, expecting their mom to come downstairs any moment. After a few minutes, when she still hadn't made any noise Kris pulled them in and shut the door behind them, locking it.
"It feels so empty in here without Ten- I mean the TV. I- it's hard to explain, you get it, right?" Susie had stopped to stare at the gap where Tenna had once sat. Kris nodded slowly. They truly did understand the feeling, even if their experiences had been different. Kris really wished they'd been able to keep Ralsei's horse costume. Seeing the discarded TV had struck a nerve, and, truthfully, they'd bawled. It had been an extremely humbling event, but a somewhat nice one nonetheless. They were pretty sure they were too old to have this many crying fits in such a short time span.
Kris resumed walking toward the kitchen, stopping to grab two glasses from the cabinet. The only problem was that a lot of their glasses were dirty; their mom drank a lot of tea, even if it reminded her of their dad. The only two left were the ones mom had commissioned with Kris and Asriel on them. They were beautiful pieces, but Kris didn't like taking them out around anyone. It was hard to see Asriel, and Kris had looked so stupid in their little red horns. It was so humiliating. Especially to show to Susie, but it would probably be fine; she'd accepted them now, she could accept them from before too.
It also showed their whole face, yet another one of their weaknesses. Actually, now that were thinking about it, she might not recognize them. She'd never seen their whole face. They weren't delighted by how many people around town had seen it at one point. Her lack of knowledge was actually a little refreshing.
Susie quietly approached them, likely having gotten curious as to what they were doing.
Kris set the glasses on the counter. "Which one would you prefer?" Kris signed.
Susie eyed the glasses for a moment before responding. "Uh, I'll take the one with the horns, I guess." Kris nodded briskly before turning to fetch the supplies.
They retrieved the milk from the middle shelf in the fridge; it had the largest gap between shelves, and they bought the bottle gallons. Mom didn't take the chance of running out anymore. They placed it in the counter before going back for the chocolate syrup. It now inhabited the top shelf because mom had gotten annoyed by them drinking so much choccy milk. She would never understand them, but at least she generally tried to. The one problem with this is that it was hard to reach. They went on their tip toes grabbing the forbidden fruit of their house and pouring it evenly amongst the two glasses. They added the milk before grabbing a spoon to stir the milky goodness. Susie looked bewildered, for what? They had absolutely no idea. It was probably unrelated to the current situation.
After returning the ingredients they handed Susie the glass of syrupy heaven. "Here you go." They were a little embarrassed she'd picked the glass with their portrait. It would be fine, but it was still humiliating. "Let's go to my room. Mom is less likely to notice us if we're in my room. Everything that happens in there is relatively muffled." Kris shuddered at the reminder of what Sans had done, quickly clearing their thoughts of the sick pervert.
"That works for me."
They walked up the stairs and straight into Kris' bedroom. Kris knew they'd likely be in there for a while, not that they really minded, it was just nerve-wracking. They reminded themselves this was not her first time in their room, and that it might even be refreshing to hang out with her on their own turf.
Despite everything that had happened, they had a good feeling about this.
Their room was empty. Or, more so, it hadn't been lively for a long while. All of the room's defining features had been stripped last spring. They mourned the way it had looked before. Alas, there was nothing they could do. Time passed. It always did, and always would.
Susie brightened if up with her presence, she was always so intense and that made everything livelier. She immediately took a seat next to the foot of their bed. Kris hesitated for a moment before sitting next to her, closer than they'd ever dared before.
The pair sat quietly in peace, slowly sipping their chocolate milk, basking in the time with one another.
"Do you- are you-" Susie huffed, "I like you, Kris." Kris glanced at her, they knew that, so why was she telling them this? Susie snorted. "I like-like you, Kris. And I don't want this to fuck everything up with us. But I needed to tell you. I don't care if you're you." Susie made air quotes. "I like whoever the hell's in your body, whether it's you or not. Kris, you're a good person, it doesn't matter what weird-ass thing is going on with you." Kris was blushing so much their whole face was pink.
"I like you too." Kris averted their eyes, they couldn't look at Susie, not right now, anyway. Susie placed her arm around Kris, leaning her head on Kris'. Kris stiffened before relaxing into her. They weren't quite sure what they were supposed to do now, they'd never been in a relationship before, or even really seen anyone in a healthy relationship before. Mom and dad's relationship was, well, not particularly healthy. Currently they just wanted to bask in the quiet.
Kris' eye lids were starting to get heavy, they were exhausted. They needed to grab the soul. They really didn't want to, though. The soul was just going to go and fuck everything up.
"I don't want to ruin the moment, but I need to go grab the soul." Susie sighed softly, but let go of Kris without other complaint.
Kris stood up, trying not to fall over and walked into the hallway, pulling open the drawer they'd shoved the soul in no more than an hour ago. They snatched it, holding it, but keeping it away from their chest for the time being. "Susie and I are in a sort of relationship, you better not fuck anything up. We're going to bed now. Got it? Also, Susie is in my room." They whispered hoarsely, it was hard to speak without the soul in. The soul hesitantly nodded. Kris shoved it into their chest, coughing as a weight was added to their chest. It was not a pleasant feeling, it never would be. Kris felt the soul take control, straightening their posture, and starting towards their room.
The soul had them walk into the room, walking past Susie and laying on the bed. The soul urged them to invite Susie to stay the night. Kris didn't mind that, but mom was going to be annoyed. Kris could probably make a good excuse. "Susie, do you want to stay the night?" Susie looked startled; it was probably because they'd spoken for the first time that evening.
Susie looked at them curiously. "Uh… sure. Are you the soul right now?" Kris sighed internally, the soul was deliberating over options, what they were Kris wouldn't know until one was selected. The soul wanted them to say no. This was going about how they'd expected it to, which was to say: horribly.
"No. I am definitely not the soul." They shook their head, saying it in the tone they used when lying with the soul, god they hoped Susie picked up on their hints.
"Cool, um, I assume you had them say that, soul-thingy. I like you as a person, but, like, don't make Kris lie. It doesn't work, we can always tell when you do, so stop." Kris could feel the soul's bafflement, it was kind of entertaining, but it was totally pissed right now. Susie nodded before looking around. "Where should I sleep?"
The soul urged them to say 'my bed'. It had taken seconds for them to decide. The soul seemed to just like shipping Kris with everyone. "My bed." Kris made it as deadpan as they could, they didn't mind it, they just wanted Susie to get the memo it wasn't their idea.
Susie smirked, taking a long, slow sip of her chocolate milk before setting it down and standing up. "That works for me. You should get in first, though. I might push you off the bed otherwise." Kris was dying. How the actual fuck had their life gotten this weird.
The soul made them walk to their bed and lay down. Susie climbed in shortly after. They barely fit on the bed together, but it was probably the greatest thing that had ever happened to them. They had to be dreaming. There was no way this was happening.
Susie pulled Kris against her tenderly. Kris smiled, this was nice. Their eyes were slipping closed once more, but this time there was no need to fight it this time.
They were out within seconds.