Chapter Text
Katsuki isn’t certain but there might be something severely wrong with him.
Some time before being kidnapped, maybe even some time before being muzzled at the sports festival. There had been a growing void in his heart that cared very little for the people around him.
It was hard to pinpoint a starting point, not such an enduring feeling as this. People were always in the way, boring adults, irritating classmates. Nothing mattered but not in the way that most people meant when they said that. No, nothing mattered in that the matter he resided in could pull and drown him and a part of him would just let it.
When he was younger he had wanted a dog, something large and scary and good with hugs. His parents took him to a rescue centre the next day because that was just the type of people they were.
’You have to be careful,’ His Mother had said, holding his hand tight. "We don’t want to disturb any of the dogs just trying to rest. Not all of them are well tempered, okay Katsuki?’
He had nodded even though he didn’t listen, because that was the type of person that he was.
There was one dog that didn’t preen for attention or even care that he was being watched at all and Katsuki knew in his heart that this was it.
It barked—loud and intimidating—when he walked forward and that reminded him of his mum.
Then it bit him, hard and mean onto his outreached hand, and that too reminded him of his mum. Ushered away and held as he cried and cried he’d later find out that they had to get rid of that dog after several similar accidents in the past.
His parents had told him it wasn’t his fault and he had nodded like he agreed because that was just the type of person that he was. Even though he still looks for that dog, wondering if he’s happy being free.
Kidnapping kept him from his goal. It made him paranoid and suspicious and maybe that too was his fault too. He didn't try harder to escape, didn’t try harder to beat the villain.
He was saved and crucified very quickly. He had been weak and suddenly Japan did not have a number one hero anymore. This title was not his to have, this the world screamed.
Giving his biggest competition the power he had craved, helped along by the altruism that always frightened him. A hero deserving the title, a quirkless loser that would beat the odds.
Graduating should have mattered but the only thought that went through Katsuki’s head at the time was that there was still dried blood baked underneath his fingernails. His parents proud and mist-eyed, his classmates red-faced and so incredibly hopeful for the future.
Hope was not something that came to him naturally but something about that moment felt like maybe he should have at least had a little. Some spark of inspiration or drive that pushed him to the next goal.
His next goal was supposed to be becoming the number one pro-hero. That had always been the plan and then…
”I—I want you to join me.” He blurted out, not the calm and cool way he had practiced but fumbled around like the words weren’t letting themselves out. “Let’s…let’s be heroes together, De—Izuku. I want us…I want us to be the best, like we always said we’d be.”
That had been a mistake too.
“I—huh?”
This was the point that they would be embracing, wasn’t it? Tearful reunion and a secret promise kept tugged under their words, that this would be more later down the road.
Izuku looked crushed and…resigned.
”I…I’m sorry Kaachan.” He uttered, heartbroken and so unnecessarily sad and Katsuki didn't understand. “I’m happy with my life, I’m happy with what we’ve accomplished! I know we talked about it as kids but…it’s time for me to move on. I can’t join your agency.”
Uh.
”Right.”
Of course this would happen.
”I’m—I’m really sorry—“
”Shut up, nerd.” He huffed, that little black hole that made a home in his lungs expand just that little bit more. That fluttering emotion he stupidly mistook as hope was snuffed quick. “You’re gonna be the lamest teacher ever but whatever. Do what you want.”
The other man looked touched and thankful and—Katsuki could not look at him anymore. “Thanks, Kaachan, that means a lot.”
His friends didn’t understand why he had started hanging out with him more often but they welcomed the change with open arms.
Some time after his first debut—still unable to hold onto hope as well as others—Katsuki had moved into a small apartment by his old childhood street.
It was run down and not worth the money he put on the deposit but it was close to the agency he worked at and was on a familiar road.
His parents left him alone around that time, wanting him to experience the real world on his own two feet which was effective but…very lonely.
Then there was one patrol that got him breaking into a real shithole. Broken down floorboards, unsafe liquids mixing in the lower levels and stolen goods stashed in multiple rooms. It had been an administrative nightmare but nothing he couldn’t handle.
The surprise came when Katsuki was finishing off the location descriptions in the back alley when he came upon a Mangy cat growling from his spot in the rubbish. It was a beaten up thing, shaky legs and old, accusatory eyes that glared at him wearily.
The stubborn thing didn’t even flinch when he let out a small explosion, just to scare him. Opting instead to growl in their little corner as he was making his report. Peering slightly into the hole it found, he realised rather quickly that he wasn’t a he at all.
Attempting to drink from her belly were weak, frail, kittens that could barely open their eyes let alone call for attention.
In Katsuki’s defence, there was an attempt to leave the fatigued mother to face nature's elements alone. He had gotten far, too. Just around the corner store from his apartment when he stopped.
Marched right in and purchased Cat food and a small bottle of water then stomped his ass all the way back.
They were not grateful for his donation, nor did they even seem to acknowledge his existence at all, but this suited Katsuki just fine. One of the Kittens snuggled up to his mothers belly and laid to rest and that felt like payment enough.
Before he knew it, Katsuki found himself going back time and time again. Casually at first, just restocking the little water he kept and topping up the Cat food after patrol.
”You greedy fuck.” He said, rolling his eyes. Nudging one of the Kittens with his toe. “Give your mama some space, Jesus.”
The Mangy cat stared rather blankly in response, lazily flicking her tail back and forth.
“Anyway, like I was saying, I had just finished beating this fucker to the ground when…”
He did it for a while, too. Days turned to weeks and suddenly he slotted it perfectly into his schedule. It was a way to distress from his everyday life, somewhere he could go that wouldn’t echo with his own emptiness.
“Well, aren’t you a little shit?” Katsuki scoffed, fighting off one of the more aggressive Kittens with a finger. The bugger squirmed, attempting to nip and scratch at that as well.
“Ain’t no one gonna want you if you keep acting like a rabid cat, ya know?” He pointed, harshly at the pouty looking Kitten. Its ugly puffy face is characterized by the scratches up and down his head. “You got a face only a mother could love so start acting right or you’ll end up in a pound, you hear me!?”
The squealed whine was answer enough to know his lesson was not understood. Guess the brat will learn the hard way what the world thinks about cats that bite.
Maybe he had thought that a little too literally, or maybe the universe thought he was too content.
The next time he returned back to the alleyway it was raining—fitting, in the end—and a crisscross of yellow tape, blocking off the entire right alleyway.
When he launched back into hero mode he almost regretted coming at all. The perp from before had come back, apparently they had stashed shit behind the bins and when he had attempted to circle back around to get it, a stray cat in the alleyway fought back.
The bastard sat defeated on the curb, being read his rights as the lifeless bodies of his victims lay silent and still.
Katsuki turned to the crime scene itself, the body of an old tom cat sprawled lifeless and bloodied, the kittens snuffed out before they even got the chance to live.
He should feel something, shouldn’t he? Happiness that the case he’s been working on for a month finally found an end or maybe even anger that the freak had dragged in even more victims to a rather straightforward case.
None of his colleagues seem to care, maybe too used to seeing human bodies left in the wake of crime that this small injustice was just an unfortunate byproduct.
It’s…wrong, to not feel anything. Ungrateful.
“…It was a real break that we caught him so quickly, you did some good work, Ground Zero.”
”Huh?” He said blankly, wondering if maybe he should get something to cover them. The ambulance probably has a shock blanket, would that be enough? Why did he care?
”Apparently he’s been staking out the area and saw that you would visit every once and a while, we have reason to believe that he’s been using your visits as a good indicator on what times would be best to get the rest of his gear.”
The pit in his stomach had been easing so slowly that he didn’t even notice until it dug right back into his gut and scooped out his insides. The hollowness that was more like a toothache suddenly had limbs and a voice.
’Leave,’ the voice said. ‘You’ve done enough damage.’
“Aren’t you on break, though? I’m not one to judge, of course, we’d be lost without you—Oh, Ground Zero where are you off to?”
He didn’t have the guts to stay and work out the aftermath. The voice was correct, in the end. He had done this. Katsuki had done a lot of horrible things on top of this too and yet, he continued to exist.
Why was that?