Work Text:
(Transcript of tape #12, psychprofile subj Faith Lehane)
(START OF TRANSCRIPT)
(START OF TAPE)
"— so I'm like, hey, who gives a shit what you think, you move that fucking car or I —"
"Just a moment, please —"
"Wait, I'm almost done —"
"Faith, you're not the only one who wants this over with; you can finish telling us after."
"I won't be in the mood."
"Nonsense, all you need is a willing audience, and I'm very curious to know how you represent the new Council in public disputes."
"Well, if you're gonna say it like that —"
"Maybe we should let her finish. I mean, wouldn't her story be a better profile than [paper rattles] these?"
"Buffy!"
"Buffy."
"Yeah, B. Put that tongue back —"
"Fight! Fight! Tongue fight!"
"Xander! Now, the Reformed Watchers Council Human Resources Psychological Profile subject Faith Lehane will now begin. Ready, Faith?"
"Can I smoke?"
"Are you on fire?"
"Buffy — Faith! Please sit. First question. Dawn?"
[microphone thumping noises]
1. DO YOU SNORE?
If Robin's laughing, can I hurt him? No.
2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR FIGHTER?
Depends on who you ask. And when, sometimes.
[inaudible]
God, how long ago was that, Xander?
3. WHAT IS YOUR WORST FEAR?
[pause] Prison. No, not that... I, uh.... Well, I got it okay right now and I — (hey, are these your questions? No). Mostly okay, depending on who I'm with when you ask, and I, uh, would like to keep it that way AND keep anyone from fucking it up for me. Not that I'm naming anyone.
4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
Am I wearing a big 'L' on my forehead? Made out of tiny bricks? Next question.
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF 'REALITY TV'?
It's funnier when people get hurt.
6. DO YOU CHEW YOUR STRAW?
Only when I quit smoking.
7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
[pause] I dunno. Mom wasn't Kodak Girl.
8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
[long pause] Ask me later.
9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Don't have one.
10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
I sing with the radio.
11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
Kinda. Yeah, I'm looking at you, what about it?
12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Yeah, and they'd better stay that way.
13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Never had one. That lousy motel in Sunnydale, though, wow... talk about the memories. I was all choked up when the earth swallowed it whole. Seriously, I cried. Or maybe it was the bleeding.
14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY?
Yeah, but that's all his writers.
15. CAN YOU SWIM?
Yeah. Learned in the Charles.
[inaudible]
Hey, wasn't my idea.
16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE 'DONNIE DARKO'?
You rented that one, didn't you, D? You own it? [snort] Well, that makes sense.
[inaudible]
Well, it sucked! It just went on and on! It should have been a Twilight Zone episode, that would have rocked!
[inaudible, lengthy]
Hell, yeah, X-man! I saw him on that way before I ever watched Star Trek!
[inaudible]
Nah, the movie wasn't so scary, 'cept the part at the beginning. Course, I watched the show from behind the couch in the dark. Hey, I was five! And no one was home!
Fuckers.
17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
Stupid hippie shit.
[inaudible]
Whatever.
18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I bite.
19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
Who wrote these things? D? I dunno; is there a trick to it, like some kinda 'You have to use a different tune if you sing it backwards' thing?
[inaudible]
Hell, yeah, that was an answer. You tell her, G!
20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN AN AIRPLANE?
Not since 9/11. Wanted woman, here. Actually, the only time I was ever on one was when I came to Sunnydale.
21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?
My mom only had time to screw up the one. Are you sure I can't smoke?
22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENERS?
Why should I do the work? The manual ones remind me of school.
23. WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON HUNTING?
If God didn't want us to eat meat, animals would be bulletproof.
24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
[pause] Probably not.
25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I'm the only girl I know who can't do girl-writing.
26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Boredom.
27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?
[long pause] A while.
28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?
He's not cute anymore, so who cares?
29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
No.
30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
McMuffined.
31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?
[pause] I refuse to answer on the grounds it may incriminate... someone.
32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
My ass, apparently. Can I get a better chair?
33. WHAT TIME IS IT?
Half past ass.
[inaudible]
Yes, that's my answer.
[inaudible]
And yeah, I have to speak to you in this tone of voice.
34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
Not that anyone uses to my face. Red here calls me 'Slutbomb'. I think she wants it a little too bad.
35. IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?
If you work there.
[inaudible, several voices]
You?! No way! Princess Buffy worked at Doublemeat Palace? [laughs] Did you keep the uniform? Can I see you in it?
36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?
Uh. Xander and I went to the comic book store.
[inaudible]
Yes, I will get you another one if you stop bitc-complaining!
[inaudible]
His comic book! The Frank Miller Batman thing! I fell asleep and drooled on it and Mr. Clean noticed it and accused me of trying to hide it and I'll get you a new one! All right?
[inaudible]
Yeah, first edition! I got that when you yelled at me the first time, X-man!
37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Baths. Never have the bathroom long enough, though. Just laying there, soaking, taking care of stuff.
[inaudible]
What? I'm just smiling at ya, B. Did they leave the wax on from your last Brazilian? [laughs]
38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
[pause] No.
39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
[long pause] Yeah, I guess.
40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
No.
41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Cigarettes. Couldn't we have skipped this one?
[inaudible]
Can I answer sitting on the ledge through the window?
[inaudible]
Damn.
42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Heh. What was that you said, X-man? "Nothing says anal retentive like..."
43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
[Many cracking noises are heard, expressive groans are heard from several people.]
44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
I've been ambulatory.
45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
God, who came up with these things? Once, D!
46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
For a mindless robot, yeah.
47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
[pause] Usually.
48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Brown. This is psychology?
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
[pause] It's okay.
51. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?
Just this baby right here.
52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
God, no.
53. HAVE YOU READ 'CATCHER IN THE RYE'?
No. Wait, which is that?
[inaudible]
Oh, that thing? God, that sucked. I read half of it. That kid didn't need a gut punch, he needed a bum roll, just like me and my friends... uh, nothing.
54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
No.
55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
Yeah. Usually things, though.
56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
Haven't tried.
57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Eh. Depends on how many guys and how much booze you bring. [laughs]
Nothing like doing it in the outdoors.
[inaudible]
What?! I'm stretching! When I push my tits at you you'll know it!
58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
Nah. Shut up, Robin.
59. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
"In a young girl's he-eart?" Du-de-du-du. Kinda.
60. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
If you can't get a girl. And lost both your hands. [laughs]
[inaudible]
61. DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
Ha. Like hand grenades, I do.
62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
Hell, yeah.
63. DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?
Not the same one twice. Shit, I'm like the poster child for mistakes.
64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
No. Are we done yet?
65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A stupid pill, when I agreed to do this. And I washed it down with a burger.
66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Yeah, and it never lasts.
67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?
D, I'm gonna kick your ass. Right after I smoke this.
[inaudible]
I'm not lighting it, I'm just getting ready! Untwist 'em, B!
[inaudible]
It'd better be over soon, Rupert!
68. WHAT IS THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
Anything with politicians.
69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
Nah, I shop at Slutbombs'R'Us. Right, Red?
70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?
Led Zeppelin! How many more?! Ah, thank Christ!
[chairs scraping, microphone thumping, big scrape]
"What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm just gonna get a puff —"
"Are you mad? It faces the street!"
"So?"
"People will notice!"
[scuffling sounds]
"They may think you're a leaper and call the police! We're not losing you to Stockton now! Go to the roof."
[slamming noise]
"I already lit it."
"For heaven's — look, just run down the hall —"
[coughing noises]
"— and jump on the fire escape. Go!"
[coughing noises]
"You got a problem?"
"You said you were going to quit!"
"Before you get the smell in my books."
"Yeah, she's hell on books."
"When are you going to quit?"
"Bite me, X-man. Dawn, damn it, leave me alone!"
[stamping noises]
"That went well."
"Quicker than yours."
"Funnier, too."
"I-I was funny! I was a riot!"
"Buffy, come on, it was like pulling teeth."
"Yeah, you were so defensive."
"How can you call me defensive? When was I defensive? Giles? Willow?"
"Buff, you're kinda doing it now."
"How can you say that?!"
"See? Right there."
[agreement noises]
"Oh, and Faith wasn't?"
"Well, Slaygal Two is ah, a little more honest about her defensiveness. You, it's like you try to cover it up. That's the time-waster right there."
"I agree."
"UGH!"
[stamping noises]
"Well, I, uh, I'm gonna mosey on back to the party porch and talk to Faith. Though it was mint-condition, I should, uh, you know —"
"Apologize before she kicks your ass into next week?"
"Or just accept the apology she gave me before, yeah."
"I thought she did rather well. Faith isn't much for introspection, I'm afraid. But, ah, sorry, Robin, I suppose you might think —"
"No, Giles, I think you nailed her."
[giggles]
"Uh, so to speak. [coughs] Who wants coffee?"
"Me!" [general chorus]
"Tea, please. Actually, I'll get it. I'm starving. All those food questions."
"Blame Dawnie, here."
"Yeah, I shouldn't get psychological when I'm hungry."
"Willow, can you finish this?"
"Okely-dokely, Watcher-in-Chief."
[paper noises]
"Poor Dawnie. A Maslovian invert-pervert. A lot of kids are like that nowadays. [coughs] The Reformed Watchers Council Human Resources Psychological Profile, subject Faith Lehane, May xx, 200x, 3:15 PM, London Station, is now concluded. This tape is attached to computer record 225d66. Over."
"You think she's hot, huh?"
[pause] "Wha-?"
"Oh, come on. She's sex on two shapely legs. I admit it. So can you."
"Kenn, that's not funny."
"Yes, it is. [pause] Actually, it's only not funny if you can't see it that way."
"No, it isn't you. Or me. It's just that, well, Faith threatened to kill me by waving a ginormous pig-sticker in my face, and I was the pig. Also, she told me she was threatening me, threateningly, while she was doing it."
"So... you called her a slutbomb?"
"Yes. No! I mean, well, we were talking about, Tara, because she met her, once, well, she was in Buffy's body at the time... oh, Goddess, stop that."
"No. [smacking noises] Keep talking."
"Well, I had to tell Ta-ara about F-Faith, and I described her as a 'cleavagey s-slutbomb w-who's all wicked cool and f-five by five.'"
[laughter]
"But she is! I mean, that's her!"
"Well, yeah, but I wouldn't have said it like that unless I hated her at the time. Anyway, she, Faith, actually thought it was funny. And ever since I told her she's always pushing her boobs at me."
"Oh, she wasn't flirting with Dawn! You enjoy it, don't you? Nice boobs."
[pause] "Yes."
[door slams]
"Now. Please. Here. On the table. Those meetings make me so horny."
"Meetings make you horny? Euw."
[smacking noises, table groans]
"No, boredom. Oh, god, here..."
"Mmmmmmmmmm... Red? Can I be your streetsmart Slayer?"
"Mmmmmmmh!"
"Five by five."
[table squeaking, moaning, microphone thumping noises]
(END OF TAPE)
(END OF TRANSCRIPT)