Chapter Text
Gouenji stares at the report on his desk in shock. Yes, he’s known since his time in junior high that middle schoolers can be really crazy. He especially knows that the Raimon Junior High soccer club is a bit cut above the rest in terms of insanity.
Hell, his generation was the harbinger of chaos that was subsequently passed down in the soccer club because on graduation day, Someoka had said, “What kind of seniors would we be if we didn’t leave behind our legacy in insanity.”
Endou had only stared at him for a moment before breaking into his signature grin. “Yeah! That’s the spirit!”
It’s thanks to those two that he’s in this mess. Gouenji should get Natsumi to cut off the Raimon soccer club’s designated budget, and call Someoka when it’s the dead of the night in Italy and stop him from sleeping. But really, nothing he does will ever make up for the absolute insanity that is sitting on his desk masquerading as an innocent form.
Because the Raimon Junior High soccer club, on one of their camping trips, vaporised a mountain. Literally. The whole mountain. Gone. Eviscerated. Just like that.
Why did Gouenji ever agree to being the chairman of the Youth Soccer Association again?
Gouenji abandons all the paperwork sitting on his desk and paces in his office room. Because really, what the actual hell?
Even their generation wasn’t this destructive and they stopped an actual World War III by playing soccer.
The report ends up sitting on his desk for over two hours as Gouenji tries to figure out how to tackle this.
Then finally, finally an idea hits him.
In junior high, they had a Raimon Soccer Club Rule Book.
While Coach Kudou didn’t bother even trying to control them and let them do whatever they wanted — “Unless someone is dying, don’t call me. And the dying person better not be dead by the time I get there, because then you’ll have disturbed me for no reason.” — the managers learned pretty early on that if the world were to rest on their shoulders, no one would be graduating ever.
Turns out, teenage boys will do anything they’re told if you stop feeding them.
It is with these thoughts that Gouenji opens a notebook — because he does not trust these kids to not edit whatever document he issues. He will need a physical copy.
And thus, mere weeks after the end of the Holy Road, the Youth Soccer Association Rule Book is born and sent to all soccer clubs in digital form.
1. No one is allowed to fistfight each other with their Keshin.
(Why? Just why? — Gouenji
It’s not our fault the ball blew up! — Hakuryuu
Sorry! — Tsurugi)
2. Using any dangerous hissatsu outside the field is strictly forbidden.
(You’ll cause a car crash — Haruna
And I’m tired of complaints of Shinsuke jumping over cars — Gouenji
I slept in that day! — Shinsuke
Then set an alarm — Shindou)
3. Kurama is not allowed to set snakes on people.
(I don’t care who offended you — Endou
Those basketball club guys had it coming! — Kurama
All they did was stand in front of you — Sangoku
They were mocking me — Kurama
How? — Sangoku
They exist — Kurama
Wow, you are not ready to hear about trees — Minamisawa)
4. Using Heaven’s Time to cheat on exams is also forbidden.
(Damn it — Kishibe
Kishibe, I am very disappointed in you — Gouenji
You’ll never learn this way — Haruna
And you created a tornado inside a classroom — Aphrodi)
5. Minamisawa is not allowed to break the sound barrier outside of matches.
(It's a safety hazard — Gouenji
Aren't all hissatsu? — Shindou
This is dictatorship — Minamisawa
Yeah, well, I’m taking my title back — Gouenji
And I’m handing it over — Hibiki)
6. No one is allowed to break the sound barrier.
(Seriously, Tenma? — Endou
I didn’t know I could do that! — Tenma
Guys, this rule book is not a suggestion! — Gouenji)
7. All hissatsu are considered dangerous.
(Stop challenging fate! — Haruna
There are only so many lawsuits I can prevent — Gouenji
And I am not treating another concussion — Aoi
Trust me guys, you do not want revolting managers — Endou
And he’s speaking from experience — Kidou
You had no one to blame but yourselves — Haruna)
8. Donating teammates to anyone is not allowed.
(Guys, please, stop collecting lawsuits — Gouenji
I will send them to your parents next time — Gouenji
Yeah, sacrifice them to devils instead — Fudou
Fudou! — Kidou
So, Tsurugi then? — Hakuryuu
Don’t send your teammates to Raimon to be sacrificed! — Shindou
No, keep sending them. This is fun! — Hamano
If you’re going to make sacrifices to me, give me something useful — Tsurugi
Now that’s just mean — Kirino)
9. Sacrificing teammates to Aphrodi is not allowed.
(You guys do know I’m not actually a god right? — Aphrodi
Tell that to your middle school self, Aphrodi — Kidou
Will you please just call me Afuro Terumi? That Aphrodi thing got old a long time ago — Aphrodi
We just learned god’s name! — Taki Sousuke
Is that allowed? — Kishibe
Why do I even bother with you people? — Aphrodi)
10. Sacrificing teammates to Shuu isn’t allowed either.
(Kirino! — Endou
Kariya’s still traumatized — Haruna
Good — Kirino
Shuu’s not even a god — Gouenji
Then what is he? — Kidou
Local ghost/dead spirit/random kid chilling on an island — Hakuryuu
Still figuring it out — Hakuryuu
Of course he is — Kidou
He told me he was dead — Tenma
Of course he did — Tsurugi)
11. Sneaking into the Snowland Stadium at night.
(Fubuki, Yukimura, I know you guys miss Hokkaido but you can’t ice skate here — Gouenji
And you’re scaring the security staff — Hibiki)
12. Taiyou isn’t allowed to play an official match without an extensive medical check up beforehand.
(Now that’s just mean! — Taiyou
Whatever you say, Mr. Aliven’t — Shindou
It’s for your own good! — Fuyuka
And Fuyuka will kill me if you try to commit suicide via soccer again — Gouenji)
13. No one is allowed to remind Tsurugi of his first day.
(If Tsurugi kills you, it’ll be your own fault — Endou)
14. No one is allowed to remind any former Seed of their past.
(Seriously? — Gouenji
What’s with all of you trying to die? — Shindou
And you chose Hakuryuu of all people? — Miyabino
He’s even scarier than Tsurugi! — Shinsuke
Ha! Take that, Tsurugi — Hakuryuu
Nishizono, you might want to run — Shindou
Come back here! — Tsurugi)
15. Using Viva! Great Wall of China! to create a maze in the city park is strictly forbidden.
(Those kids wanted to have fun! — Amagi
That does not mean you can trap them for two hours! — Shindou
Their parents almost went to the police! — Endou)
16. Raimon is not allowed to start another revolution.
(Enough said.)
17. No one is allowed to start another revolution.
(Really? — Gouenji
Worth a shot — Hakuryuu)
18. No one is allowed to start a revolution without explicit permission from Endou and Kidou.
19. No one is allowed to start a revolution without explicit, written permission from Natsumi and Kidou only.
(Really, Endou? — Kidou
I didn’t think they’d take it seriously! — Endou
Mutiny! — Namikawa)
20. No one is allowed to flip a fish to eat it in front of Namikawa anyone from Kaiou
(It’s a sailor superstition apparently — Haruna
Scoundrels! — Namikawa
Off to the plank! — Namikawa
May you feel Posiedon’s wrath, you scabby sea bass! — Namikawa
May Davy Jones curse you for seven generations! — Namikawa
Do it yourself, you coward! — Mikado
Guys, stop! — Shindou)
21. Quit sneaking out of the hospital.
(Guys, it’s just a couple of days at best — Haruna
And Fuyuka is scary when she’s mad — Endou
I said sorry! — Shindou
I have been there my whole life. I demand a refund! — Taiyou
Maybe say that when you can run three feet without dying — Yukimura)
22. Quit sneaking into Teikoku to find the Resistance Headquarters.
(The staff will physically throw you out — Kidou
Besides, you were going the wrong way — Miyabino
Miyabino, don’t encourage them — Sakuma
Who do you think started it? — Kita
Oops — Miyabino)
23. No summoning predators to chase off reporters.
(Kurama. — Endou
Yukimura, your panther almost ate a guy — Gouenji
Almost? Dang it — Yukimura
Better luck next time — Fubuki
Fubuki… — Endou
Better start training it — Taiyou
Yukimura Hyouga, don’t you dare! — Gouenji)
24. If Hakuryuu sends you to the hospital, it will be your fault.
(Guys, stop picking fights with him — Gouenji
It was an accident! — Mikado
How do you accidentally punch someone? — Miyabino
You punched Hakkuryuu? — Kurama
I don’t know whether I pity you or respect you — Hamano
Respect — Minamisawa
Rest in pieces — Tsurugi
Help! — Mikado)
25. Just stop summoning wild animals.
(Please — Gouenji
Lord Snake God is offended — Kurama
I missed the part where I care — Gouenji)
26. Kariya is allowed to prank all soccer players.
(NO! — Gouenji
Kariya! — Kirino)
27. Using hissatsu to speed run traffic is allowed actually.
(Okay, whoever stole the book had better stop — Haruna
I will send all lawsuits to your schools — Gouenji)
28. Taiyou is allowed to play whenever he wants.
(NO! — Fuyuka
Nice try, kid — Gouenji)
29. Only Gouenji is allowed to make the rules.
(I will Fire Tornado you guys — Gouenji
Ah, the good old Gouenji therapy — Fubuki
Pretty sure that will only encourage some of them. You do have a big fanclub — Fudou
You better sleep with a helmet on, Fudou — Gouenji
You can’t silence us! —Kurama)
30. Any soccer player found leading a protest outside the Youth Soccer Association building will be expelled from their team.
(We demand justice! — Hamano
And I demand peace but we don’t always get what we want, do we? — Gouenji
Wow, they actually broke you — Kidou)
31. Animal Keshin are included in rule #25.
(Hakuryuu — Gouenji
They deserved it! — Hakuryuu
They did — Tsurugi
What did anyone do to deserve being chased around by Shining Dragon? — Yukimura
I want to know what the hell made Tsurugi agree with him — Minamisawa
They were bullying a bird! — Tsurugi)
32. No hacking into the government database.
(I’m not part of the youth! — Megane
Maybe grow a few inches before you say that — Gouenji
On behalf of all midgets, I’m offended — Shinsuke)
33. No Keshin are not allowed to lead protests either.
(Shinsuke! — Haruna
Titanias did it on his own! — Shinsuke
Oh, so this is why Shinsuke’s head is stuck in a tree — Kurumada)
34. Kirino is not allowed to Mist himself out of trouble.
(Those fangirls were going to maul me! — Kirino
That does not justify nearly causing a car crash! — Shindou
So you want me to die? — Kirino
Lmao, yes — Kariya
Kariya! — Endou
You’re a soccer player. Outrun them — Shindou
I am disowning you — Kirino)
35. Nishiki is not allowed to vote for gardening.
(I thought the garden looked good — Nishiki
That does not justify summoning a samurai to trim trees — Midori
Everyone’s a critic, huh? — Nishiki)