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He knows when they land that something isn’t right.
He’s still groggy from sleep but after all that happened, he’s always hyper vigilant and the sleep goes away fast. He can’t afford to be vulnerable. He doesn’t want to be a liability.
He tries to joke to lighten the mood, reduce the horrible panic that is taking over him, and remind them of his presence. That he’s here. He exists.
But they ignore him. He swallows. He’s used to it.
They’ve always ignored him. She’s always hated him.
His heart starts beating faster. He knows that feeling. They’re going to cast him away again. They’re going to remind him how much they don’t want him, how much they never did. He’s unsure why Jake insisted to take him in in the first place. It’s not out of love, that he knows for certain. He can try to lie to himself as much as he wants, because he really wants Jake to love him. He knows Jake doesn’t.
He took him because Neteyam is gone.
It wasn’t love.
It was charity. A pet to fill up the void left by the death of his son. And Spider tried to be a good pet. He was good. He did his best.
But it wasn’t enough.
He sees the knife Jake takes from Neytiri. He knows that knife. Neytiri marked his flesh deep with it. His brain begins to buzz with a vise of fear. His hands start to tremble. They didn’t land for him to take a piss.
They landed to settle the problem his birth has always been.
“Spider, come with me,” Jake says.
Spider follows.
They walk into the forest. Jake is silent. Spider tries to make conversation. Jake doesn’t respond. He walks. The knife swings above his loincloth and Spider’s heart hurts so bad, he thinks he’s going to vomit.
He tries to speak again.
Jake growls at him to be SILENT.
He knows. He understands. Tears burn his eyes. He doesn’t speak again. He doesn’t want this to happen. He really tried to be good. He can be good.
Jake makes him advance further amongst the trees and it feels like there’s a rifle pressed into his shoulder as he walks. He turns to see him, desperate to find some reassurance in those amber eyes. The reassurance that this isn’t what it is. That Jake isn’t going to hurt him. That he was good enough for Jake to keep him. The man’s eyes are not kind and Spider’s body shakes when he realizes they're not those of a friend.
It’s like Jake doesn’t even recognize him. A mask has fallen and it wasn't made of glass. He sees the Marine. The soldier who obeys orders, no matter what. He sees the man who wanted to betray the Na'vi. He sees the original Jake Sully, the real one, the one who hides beneath the skin of his deceased twin brother, pretending to be someone he's not.
It must be exhausting, playing a part for so long. The part of a lifetime. But he's a good actor, Spider can give him that. With Neytiri. With Lo'ak... not so much... Neytiri has the actor. Lo'ak has the soldier. Spider... Spider doesn't have anything. He's the enemy.
“Don’t look at me,” Jake grunts, pushing Spider forward with his invisible rifle, making him stumble in shock.
Spider's heart misses a beat, his eyes burning so bad he thinks they’re going to melt if he doesn’t cry soon.
They arrive in the middle of a clearing. It would have been pretty, if its purpose hadn’t been so grim. This isn’t a clearing anymore. It’s a firing squad. His.
Because this is really happening.
“Kneel”, Jake orders.
“Jake… Don’t…” he tries, pitifully.
“KNEEL!” Jake thunders.
Jake is going to execute him.
Spider’s heart jumps into his throat. He’s going to vomit. His brain is pressed so hard by the rush of adrenaline that he can feel it and it weighs so heavy in his skull. It’s bobbing from one side to the other as he lets himself fall awkwardly to the floor on wobbly legs, digging his tender palms into the hard soil..
“Jake… Please… You don’t have to do this…” he says in a small voice that Jake will hear even less than usual.
The coldness of the knife presses against his throat. Jake’s hand seizes him to keep him in place. He can’t move. He’s stuck between that cold knife and Jake’s warm body. The rock under his knees hurts.
He doesn’t want to die.
“Please… Jake…”
He wants to stay.
Jake starts some sort of a prayer as he prepares the blade that will soon cut through his flesh. He doesn’t hear the words. He can only hear his own heart beating so fast, he’s sure the Great Mother can hear it without a bond. He wants to go so far away. He doesn't want to be here. He doesn’t want to die, his throat cut open and bleeding out on the moss, like a pig for slaughter.
But he’s going to die.
It’s really happening. Jake isn’t bluffing. He’s really going to kill him and end his very short life. It’s too bad really. He had just started to be able to live.
He’s not mad. He’s just sad. And maybe a bit disappointed. (And frightened too, because Jake is terryfying and he doesn't like this version of him. It makes him cold inside and he wants to hug his own heart and protect it. Run away from the big scary man). But, yes, he's disapointed. Because he’s just been given the one thing he’s always wanted. He can breathe the air! He’s an air breather! And he can smell things too now. Nature was never accessible to him through that mask. But without it, he can actually uncover all its secret scents. And what a bliss this is! To smell! To feel! To be!
A tear slips on his cheek as his plea falls to deaf ears. Jake is still fumbling with his prayer that Spider isn’t listening. The knife tightens against his windpipe. Will it hurt? There was so much he wanted to discover. And he can now. He could feel this Ilu when he rode her. It was the most beautiful feeling ever. He was in the moment. He was there. And he wanted more. He dared to hope. Hope that he could finally live and escape this prison that was his human body. Hope that he could finally belong, see and be seen.
Kiri offered him the most beautiful gift. And he’s being punished for it.
Because he’s dangerous now that he’s free.
“Please, Jake… Please… I’ll be good.”
He’ll be good. He won’t use it. He’ll stay at his place. He’ll do as he’s told.
A good pet. The best.
“Please, dad.”
He didn’t mean to let the word slip. It came out like a cough after a sore throat from holding his breath too long.
Dad. Jake is not his dad. Jake will never be. He never wanted to. He’s just playing pretend with the broken doll he found discarded on the battlefield where parents never rise. It’s not love. It’s charity. Loneliness. Boredome. Or the fucking mid-life crisis of a man who’s been wearing too many skins. Even the best actors need a rest sometimes.
No, Spider let the word slip because he’s scared and desperate and lonely and he still hopes that deep down this isn't Jake. That the real Jake is going to run to his rescue and save him from this strange man, from this violent copy of him that is so scary and who has no love in his heart. He hopes that the real Jake is going to hold him and soothe him. And they'll return to the marui and Spider will have a home and a family. Even if it's just sometimes. When Jake needs to fill the void. Sometimes is still more frequent than never.
Or maybe he let the word slip because he wants Jake to recognize him and remember. Maybe this will be enough to bring Jake back, away from the scary man?
He's doing it again. He's feeding himself with lies. He can't help it. He's starving and that fantasy world always was the warmest refuge.
But he's not in his fantasy world. This is the real Jake. All of this is real and happening. And he understands. He understands Jake's hate. His indifference. He understands why he will never love him. He knows he needs to die but he doesn’t want to. His time on Pandora was borrowed time and it wasn't even supposed to happen. So yes, he has to die. He should have died seventeen years ago. He should have never been born. He was already too much of a burden for everyone and for so long. They never knew what to do with him. He's the trinket on the shelf forgotten under its pile of dust.
But still, it's unfair. He still has so many stars to watch, so many scents to discover. So many bonds to make. (And maybe... one day... he could have had a mate. Someone to bond for life with. Someone to hold him and love him. Someone for whom he would have been enough.)
Maybe he's selfish. Is it selfish to want to live?
The knife’s weight almost crushes this breath he’d never thought he’d earn.
Will it hurt? He knows the sting of that blade. He's wearing its mark on his chest.
His brand new kuru is burning on his back. It’s all he can feel. This and his mad heart beating with the fervor of a battle drum.
Jake takes a deep breath behind him and he closes his eyes. He knows. He understands. He’s dangerous now that he’s free. He needs to be with Eywa.
“I know I have to go to Eywa now…” he whispers, calming his heart.
He accepts his fate. This is right. He deserves this. Not for him. But for the People. Another tear joins the ones that already died on his chin.
Will the Great Mother embrace him? Will it be warm? Will he be safe? Will she love him?
“I accept my fate. But I need to know.”
He turns to see Jake. The man is staring at him with amber eyes that reflect nothing.
“Do you still love me?”
That question doesn’t make any sense. Jake has never loved him. He knows it. He's doing it again. He's back in his fantasy world. But he needs the refuge. He needs the lie. Right now, knelt on that cold rock with Jake's knife pressed against his throat, the lie is all he has.
Jake blinks, “With all my heart,” he responds.
Spider smiles in spite of his pain.
Jake is playing pretend with him. He's giving him his refuge. He's feeding his lies. And that's the nicest thing Jake has ever done for him.
“I’m sorry, son.”
Spider's heart sings at the word. It feels good to hear it. It's a nice way to go. With that word ringing in his ears and Jake's touch being so warm. It almost feel like a hug.
He closes his eyes and waits. The sound of his beating heart turns into a dull humming. It’s soothing, like a lullaby. He wants to take his kuru in his hand and feel it again. Thank it for the beautiful moments it allowed him. Short but more precious than a thousand lived lives. Thank you. Thank you for everything. He wishes more people had celebrated with him. But he was alone with Kiri when he connected it to the Ilu for the very first time. He’s not surprised. He should have known. No one was there when he took his first step either.
Jake takes a deep breath and prepares his attack.
Spider waits.
Is he going to slip his throat or stab him?
Will it hurt? Will he die fast? Will he bleed for long? How bad is the pain going to be? He'll probably no longer be able to breathe. Will he suffocate again? Just after gaining the ability to breathe? Will he choke on his own blood? (Will Jake be there?)
He knows he wasn’t eternal. But he never thought he’d end up here, on that cold rock, his back bent, his knees scratched bloody, about to be executed by the man he tried so hard to impress and be loved by. And he almost succeeded. There were days, when he was really good and Jake smiled at him, he could actually beleive in the lies. When Jake was there to comfort him in the middle of the night because his mask was failing. For this very short second, he had a taste of what it was to be cared for.
But it was never for him. It was to replace the void left by Neteyam's death. He was just a decoy. The emotional crutch of a man who has been broken for far too long.
Where will they take his body? Will they let him rot here? Will his blood feed the moss and make nature grow? Will it be benevolent to the beauty of Eywa's creations?
Will his death be useful?
Will they carry him somewhere safe? Somewhere warm?
Will Eywa hug him? (Is she even real?) Will she accept him?
Will they give him to her like Neteyam? Will he have a ceremony? Will they mourn?
Will Lo’ak miss him? And Tuk? And Kiri? Will they even remember him? Think about him sometimes? Think about this boy who had to die so they could live?
Kiri probably will.
He remembers that kiss. He never saw it coming. He doesn’t know what to think of it. But at least he was kissed. That’s something.
His body shakes. He feels Jake’s hand tighten on his shoulder as a sign that the man is ready to strike.
Will it hurt?
Will he die fast?
Will Jake hold him? Will he rock him until he leaves? Will Spider be able to look at him? Or will he abandon him the moment the knife hit? Will he let him die alone? He doesn't want to die alone. Bleeding out must be a long process. It doesn't sound appealing. And Jake is strong. Will he cut too deep? Will his head come off? Will his vision blur?
Can he call him dad again? Just this once.
Jake takes another deep breath as he finalizes his prayer.
Spider lowers his head, his fingers twitching by his sides. He breathes the air one last time. It smells so good, so fresh. It's all he ever wanted. To breathe. To belong.
He really tried to be good.
He tried his best.
At least, he saved Jake's life. And that's something, right.
Right?
(Thank you for everything).