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The stars look so beautiful.
The sky is so clear now. And the smell of the night air is incredibly sweet and soothing.
Spider doesn’t know for how long he’s been staring at that sky, alone by the shore, near the village. He just knows he doesn’t want to return to the Marui. It’s too awkward. Even Neytiri. She’s… friendly now. It’s strange. Rubs him the wrong way.
And Jake…
His heart misses a beat. His throat constricts. Sweat gathers at the center of his palms. No, he doesn’t want to think about it. Jake meant well. He didn’t even hurt him in the end. And now, he’s part of their family. It was worth it.
He’s good.
His eyes burn a bit. He hears Jake’s voice shouting at him to KNEEL on that rock. It’s so loud in his head. It makes his skull too small. He forces his eyes shut. He doesn’t want to think about that now. He just wants to watch the stars in the silence of Eclipse. He almost risked never seeing them again.
“Bro?”
He turns his head a bit to see Lo’ak approach.
“Where have you been? We’ve been looking for you for ages!”
Spider doesn’t respond and tightens the hold of his arms around his knees, his attention still fixed on the sky to keep his mind clear of all the noise it can make.
He sees Lo’ak sit from his periphery. For a long while, Lo’ak doesn’t say anything. But Spider knows he’s staring at him, his own arms wrapped around his much longer legs. Lo’ak isn’t stupid. He knows Spider is different. He probably notices the changes. They didn’t have much time to talk after everything that happened. Tonowari is still processing his grief. Aonung too. It’s… awkward and heavy.
Lo’ak spends most of his time with either Payakan or Tsireya. Spider’s is glad Payakan is part of the herd now. He’s accepted again. It’s nice. And Spider is happy for Lo’ak and his spirit brother.
Tsireya has taken a very important part in Lo’ak’s life too. And for this too, Spider is glad. Lo’ak deserves all the love he can get and Tsireya is an amazing girl.
They make sense together. They fit.
“Are you ok, man?” Lo’ak asks, strangely softly.
Spider blinks, “I’m good.”
Lo’ak’s ears flicker backwards.
“Ok…” he pauses for a second before making a move to get up, “It’s late. Eclipse has passed. We should return to the Marui before the parents get worried.”
A shudder passes through Spider at the thought of going back. He doesn’t want to sleep. He doesn’t want to be vulnerable. He doesn’t want to be with them. He can still feel that knife…
“You go. I’ll stay here for a bit,” he suggests, trying to ignore the storm in his heart.
This wasn’t the thing to say.
Lo’ak stills next to him. He’s so immense that Spider can only see his endless legs.
“Ok. I don’t know what’s going on but you’ve been acting really weird lately. You’re always out and you never want to stay in the Marui. What’s going on? Is it my mom? I thought she was getting better. She cooked you food the other day and you barely ate anything. You never want to eat. You never want to sleep. You… avoid us?! What is wrong?”
Spider swallows. He feels stupid. Seen but not in the Na’vi way.
“It’s nothing…” he tries to say, “I’m just… not hungry and… not tired.”
He can feel Lo’ak frown next to him. The young Na’vi doesn’t believe him.
“Spider. You’re not you. What happened?”
“Nothing!” Spider argues, craning his neck up to be able to see Lo’ak’s scolding face.
His friend is so tall, he looks like a building about to crash on him.
“Stop it!” Lo’ak insists, “I know something’s up. Even Tuk noticed. What is it?”
Spider shakes his head. He doesn’t want to say it. He doesn’t want to remember. (That knife… Jake’s voice… Those eyes… He doesn’t like amber eyes that much anymore.) He shudders again, hugging his knees in terror. He’s suddenly cold. And anxious. He hated how that rock scratched his knee. And Jake was so scary…
His body starts to shake again.
“Hey, hey, hey!” Lo’ak says, crouching on the sand in haste and pressing his hand on Spider’s arm, “Bro! What’s wrong?”
Spider shakes his head again, burying his face in his arms, his shoulders quivering from repressed sobs. He can’t crack. Not now. Not in front of Lo’ak. He’s always strong. He learned how.
“Spider,” Lo’ak insisted firmly, shaking the human’s shoulder to force him to look at him gently, “Tell me what’s wrong. Speak to me.”
Spider stares at Lo’ak for a second, his nose twitching. He lied. He is tired. He’s exhausted.
“Bro, is it because of Quaritch?” Lo’ak asks, “Because he… jumped?”
Spider frowns and swallows, slowly shaking his head in confusion. He still can’t believe the man jumped into fire. They don’t know if he’s dead. They haven’t found his body. A part of him wants to find him and stay with him and a part of him wants him dead. As crazy as it sounds, with all that happened, he doesn’t know which dad between Quaritch or Jake is the one he should fear the most… It’s funny… Jake used to be his safe space, even when he understood it was a lie.
Spider shakes his head dismissively, “No… I mean… I don’t know… He’s a bastard but… He’s still my dad you know… It’s… complicated.”
Lo’ak sits next to him again, “Yeah… I guess it is…” he softly agrees, “Then, what is it? You don’t look good, man.”
Spider licks his bottom lip and inhales deeply through his nose. For a long second, he tries to find his words.
“You know when I got your dad out of the RDA facility and your mom broke in to save him?” he starts, searching Lo’ak’s gaze.
Lo’ak grins, “Yeah, you kicked ass, bro! You literally saved his life.”
Spider chuckles but a tear forms in his eye. Yes, he saved his life… The irony…
“Yeah, well… We flew off on your mom’s Ikran… And I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up, we’d just landed,” he takes a small pause to lick his dry lips, “I knew something was off. I could tell. They were… arguing about something… We’d just landed in the middle of nowhere. I saw your dad take your mom’s knife… He asked me to follow him in the forest… He didn’t speak. Just… asked me to be silent and follow. And I knew something was really wrong… Like, really wrong. I couldn't even recognize your dad anymore. I mean, it's not the first time he's... rude to me. He did try to get rid of me way more times that I can count. So, yeah... But... This was different. This was... serious.”
Lo’ak’s ears slowly fall backwards as Spider speaks.
“Bro…”
Spider continues, tears falling from his eyes, “He led me to the middle of a clearing and he ordered me to kneel. I refused. He pushed me toward a rock and forced me down on my knees… He pressed the knife to my throat and began a prayer for a ritual execution… Like he was sending me to Eywa and all.”
“Spider…” Lo’ak breathes out painfully.
“He didn’t do it. In the end, he couldn’t do it,” he chuckles sadly, salty tears entering his parted lips, “Otherwise, I wouldn’t be here… Obviously. Your mom rushed to us in a panic. I never thought I’d actually see your mom worry about me!” he adds, laughing without joy, “But when she realized Jake hadn’t killed me, she was relieved. It was weird. I didn't like it. It felt like being… in a strange… alternate reality. I really thought he was going to do it, you know… And I don’t know why he didn’t. After that, your mom and dad kind of… accepted me, somehow? I don’t even know. It was weird. And we flew back to the village. And… that was it. We never talked about it again. And I know your mom… she’s been trying. And Jake… he’s… Jake. But… Something broke in me, you know… I can still feel his knife. I mean, he was going to slit my throat… Or stab me… Or… I don’t even know. He was… not nice… He was… scary. His hand was gripping me so hard… It hurt. His voice... Even Quaritch never scared me like that. I don’t know why he didn’t kill me, honestly. I don’t know what stopped him.”
There’s a very long silence after that.
At one point, they seem to hear a sound coming from behind them but when they turn, they see nothing.
Spider looks at the sea, blinking calmly and wiping his tears with the back of his hand.
“I’m gonna fucking kill him!” Lo’ak suddenly roars, rage taking over sadness.
He makes a move to stand up but Spider stops him in haste.
“Bro! Don’t! That won’t help. I don’t want any trouble. And you shouldn’t get any either. We’re good now. Let’s keep it this way.”
“Spider…” Lo’ak tries, confused and overcome with emotion, “What my dad did is SICK! He needs to pay! It’s… so FUCKED UP! Why are you so calm over this?”
Spider takes a small breath, shrugging, “I’m not calm. I’m not. But what do you want me to do? Ask Jake to apologize? Tell them I’m not comfortable staying in this Marui with them? I mean, Jake was this close to literally paint the forest floor with my blood and your mom… She was this close to stab me when… you know… I still have the scar…” he shakes his head, “I don’t want any trouble. And if your dad knows I told you… He could get mad. And I don’t want your dad to be mad or anything. Because if he gets mad then…”
He stops. He can’t say more. He can't breathe.
So Lo’ak finishes for him instead with a white voice.
“You’re afraid he’ll hurt you again," he states.
He resumes his sitting position next to Spider who hasn’t moved. Spider doesn’t respond but his silence is as much of a confirmation as anything.
“Can you blame me?”
“No. But still… That’s not ok.”
Spider bites his bottom lip.
“Maybe. But I’m not pushing my luck. They're letting me stay for now. But I’m not stupid. The first moment I become a liability again, I don’t know what will happen to me. So I’d rather keep a low profile if I can. Maybe it’s selfish but… I don’t want to die.”
Lo’ak chuckles, “Dude. Do you have any idea how fucked up what you just said is?!”
Spider grins sadly, “Maybe. I don’t know. Yes, I guess it is.”
Lo’ak shakes his head, wrapping his arms again around his knees.
“Does Kiri know?” he asks.
“No. And please, don’t tell her. She’ll turn Jake into seaweed.”
Lo’ak chuckles, “She should.”
Spider grins, “Yeah, maybe. But still, don’t tell her. Please.”
Lo’ak nods but his expression is severe as he stares at the dark sand between his parted knees.
“I can’t believe my dad did that shit…”
“It was very scary. I actually peed myself.”
Lo’ak grimaces, “Ow, man…”
Spider chuckles, “Yeah. I washed up in the stream as I could while they were smiling at me and all. It was very awkward. It made me vomit in my mouth a little bit. There was something so… wrong about all this.”
Lo’ak pouts in disgust, “Ew…”
“Yep.”
“Is that why you don’t want to stay in the Marui with us? Because you’re… scared they’ll hurt you?”
Spider shrugs and takes a deep breath, “I told you. I don’t know where I stand. Sure, your parents are friendly now. In a way. But I never know if behind the smiles, they’re not plotting to cut my throat again. I just… can’t forget, you know. Something is… broken. I mean, I know your mom always hated me. So when she tried to kill me to save Kiri, I got it. Plus, she was overwhelmed with Neteyam’s death. But Jake… I knew he could be violent. I just didn’t think he'd be violent like this… with me,” he hears Jake’s voice again, he feels his grip on his shoulder, on his brand new kuru, “I didn’t like this version of him. And now, when he’s playing dad like everything's fine… I can’t get into it. I just can’t. It feels… dirty. I feel dirty. Because deep down I know how he really sees me. And I'm just a fucking Yerick.”
“You’re not,” Lo’ak says, "Dirty. Or a Yerick. You're not."
Spider shrugs, “Whatever.”
They’re silent again.
Spider knows Lo’ak is staring at him.
The night around them is calm and strangely soothing. It’s a welcomed contrast.
“My dad told me I was responsible for Neteyam’s death,” Lo’ak suddenly confesses.
Spider turns to look at him with a frown.
Lo’ak continues, “He did apologize and then he praised me for uniting the Tulkuns. But he did say it. And a part of me knows he believes it. He believes I’m responsible for his death. I killed him. And I know that even if he’ll never say it, he would have liked it best if I’d been the one to die instead of Neteyam. I’ve always been a disappointment to him. Always. And one night… After he said that… I felt so bad. I just wanted to… disappear. So I took a rifle and I climbed up the hill… And for a moment, just one moment, I wanted to end it all. I put my finger on the trigger and I wanted to do it so bad. It would have solved everything. But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have the courage.”
It’s his turn to become silent.
Next to him, Spider is taking big gulps of air.
“Damn, we’re really fucked up, aren’t we?”
Lo’ak chuckles, “Yeah…”
“I’m sorry Jake made you feel this way. But I’m glad you didn’t do it. I never want to lose you. It would... devastate me.”
“Softie…” Lo’ak mocks with a smirk, uncomfortable with the display of affection (boys don't do that).
Spider smiles, “I’m not. It’s just the truth.”
Lo’ak playfully nudges him and they start wrestling from their sitting position for a couple of minutes, Lo’ak pushing him in the chest gently, Spider trying to push him back, their arms entangling with each other to get the upper hand.
“You’re too strong,” Spider complains, “It’s unfair.”
“Well, you’re getting stronger!” Lo’ak says.
“Must be the mushroom in me!” Spider jokes.
“Maybe!” Lo’ak agrees in a smile.
They chuckle and stop. They’re closer now, their legs are touching and their arms are still locked in the other’s lap. Lo’ak’s arm is so solid. Spider licks his lip, his heart beating faster from their friendly spar. He snickers, a bit uncomfortable even if he doesn’t understand why. After a full minute, they let go but stay close enough to feel the other’s warmth.
“I’m so sorry, man,” Lo’ak suddenly says and Spider looks up to stare into his golden eyes, “What my dad did… My mom… I hate them for it. It’s sick.”
“Don’t. Your dad was trying to protect your world. This gift that Eywa gave me, it makes me dangerous."
“It makes you chosen!” Lo’ak corrects heatedly.
“Dangerous,” Spider insists, “I have an entire ecosystem that developed inside of me and we’re still unsure of what it really does. It could be bad. Your dad was right to be worried. And as I said, your mom was grieving for Neteyam.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t give them reason. It isn’t right.”
Spider shrugs, “I don’t know. I understand why your dad wanted to do it. I think he should have done it, really. All of this is my fault. It’s always been. My birth was a mistake. I shouldn’t exist.”
A firm hand closes around his bicep and he has no choice but to plunge into Lo’ak’s dark amber eyes.
“Don’t say that. You are very important to so many of us. To Kiri. To Tuk… To me.”
Spider swallows and briefly stares downward for a second before looking up again and being swept by the intensity of Lo’ak’s gaze. Eclipse is making his skin shine with dozens of bioluminescent dots. It’s really pretty. And Lo’ak’s eyes are so big. Entire galaxies could fit into them.
There’s a momentum between them. Something passes.
“Lo’ak, I-”
A pair of lips cut him short.
The pressure is only there for a second before it’s gone again.
Spider blinks, unsure of what just happened. Then his brain connects again and he understands that Lo’ak just kissed him. On the mouth. Like Kiri did.
It’s strange. Boys don’t do that. He knows they don’t.
Lo’ak steps back a little bit. Spider’s lips are still parted. They don’t say anything. Their eyes flicker to each other and there is a glimmer in Lo’ak’s eyes. It’s like… fire. But a pretty fire. Warm and soothing.
There’s a second of hesitation and they’re kissing again.
A bit firmer this time.
Lo’ak’s hand flies to cup Spider’s cheek. His hand is big enough to take over the entire side of his head. The young Na’vi opens his mouth. The kiss deepens slowly. Spider’s heart explodes with a powerful wave of electricity the moment he feels Lo’ak’s raspy tongue touch his.
This is nothing like Kiri’s kiss.
Ok, boys definitely don’t do that. And certainly not bros…
The kiss continues a little bit. Very slow and very gentle. A bit awkward too because of the absurd size difference. But it calms Spider’s nerves immediately and he feels like floating. As if he could fly. It’s the most peaceful he’s ever felt.
They part, their eyes wide and breath ragged.
They briefly stare at the other and hurry to step away, each returning to their original position with their arms wrapped around their legs, realizing what they just did.
“Sorry, I don’t know what came over me…” Lo’ak stammers.
“Oh, it’s fine…” Spider responds in a shaky voice.
Lo’ak checks on him, obviously worried.
“Yeah?” he asks.
“Yeah,” Spider says with a really high-pitched voice.
They exchange a quick, awkward look.
“It was raspy,” Spider adds for no reason and he wants to slap himself because why did he say that?
Lo’ak’s ears drop backwards, “Oh?”
“But it’s fine!” Spider hurries to reassure him, seeing how distraught his friend is, “It’s fine! I mean…” he resumes his attention on the sea, his lips drying from the sudden absence of Lo’ak’s warmth, “Yeah…”
Lo’ak nods, “M-maybe we should return to the Marui,” he suggests.
Spider nods, not knowing what else to do, “Yeah. We probably should.”
He nods. Lo’ak nods. They take extra care not to look at the other, keeping their eyes fixed on the sea.
“Yeah…”
“Yeah…”
There's a second of silence as none of them move or even know what to do.
“Well, this is weird," Spider states.