Chapter Text
Still Breathing
“When you’re different, sometimes you feel like a mistake.”
Were Will’s eyes always this dark? Or was it just the weird lighting in the van?
“But you make me feel like I’m not a mistake at all.”
What…
“Like I’m better for being different.”
He felt his heart begin to race, faster than it ever had before.
“I need you, Mike.”
Mike woke with a start, cold sweat running down his neck as he abruptly sat up.
What the hell was that dream about?
He looked around the room, not calming down even as he realized everyone was still asleep. It had been three days since the kidnapping. Three days since Vecna had shown up again, and three days since Will had tapped into the Hive Mind and killed three fucking Demogorgons.
His eyes wandered to the boy in the sleeping bag next to him. His not-bowl-cut-hair was tousled, a small smile playing on his lips. Mike felt relieved seeing Will happier these last few months. Since he was kidnapped years ago, there had always been a shadow hanging over him, a constant weight dragging him down. Mike listened to Will’s breathing, reassuring himself that his best friend was safe and alive. Him, Will, Lucas, and Dustin had been spending a lot of time together again with the crawls, school, everything. Especially him and Will. Like the best friends they’d been before Mike ruined everything with his stupid behavior.
Next to Will, his other two best friends, Dustin and Lucas, were also fast asleep. He could hear Dustin’s snoring and Lucas’s quiet mumbling, something he was far too used to by now. Ever since Max ended up in the hospital, Lucas barely slept. But exhaustion had finally caught up with him. Since they came to the radio station a few days ago, nearly everyone had somehow learned how to sleep through anything, except for Mike. was he bitter about it? Maybe.
Mike’s racing heart refused to calm down, so he slowly crawled out of his sleeping bag and moved toward the door a few feet away. One squinting look around the room confirmed that everyone else was still asleep. No movement. No stirring. Nancy, Robin, and El were sleeping in a different room, so they would definitely not notice him leaving.
Mike slipped out of the radio station where they were staying for the time being and headed straight for the WSQK van parked outside. He wasn’t proud of the new habit he’d developed, but it wasn’t like anyone could really blame him. He often felt like he was barely keeping it together, and nighttime didn’t leave much room for coping with it. They’d all agreed never to leave the station grounds alone, always at least in pairs, so he’d had to find other ways to calm himself down.
That’s what he told himself, at least.
As always, the van was unlocked. Mike grabbed one of Joyce’s cigarettes from the dashboard, stuck it between his lips, and fumbled for the lighter. After closing the door, he leaned his back against the van, closing his eyes. It wasn’t like he hadn’t smoked before on nights he couldn’t sleep, once or twice a week, maybe less. Now it had become an nightly ritual. He knew he had to be careful before Joyce noticed, but she’d been busy enough lately.
With his first deep inhale, the calming effects of the nicotine washed over his brain. He took a few more puffs, noticing how hard his heart was still beating.
Sleep hadn’t been coming easily these days. Every time he closed his eyes, he barely got ten minutes before dreaming about the Demogorgon attack, the kidnapping, or Will being held by Vecna.
Or, apparently, as of tonight, dreaming about Will in a completely different way.
I need you, Mike.
He took another drag and watched the smoke curl into the air. He’d been thinking about Will a lot lately. More than he would ever admit out loud. He told himself it was because of the attack, because he had to watch Will suffer again at Vecna’s hands, mostly helpless. He found himself watching Will more closely now, checking if he was okay, always listening to his breathing before falling asleep.
It kinda felt like he was going crazy with worry. Like a mom. Like Joyce. Now that he thinks about it, his behaviour is probably not far off from Joyce's.
But it wasn’t just Will. Every time Dustin came back with another black eye, Mike’s chest tightened with fear that one day he’d go too far. Watching Lucas slowly fall apart after visiting Max in the hospital hurt more than Mike knew how to cope with. He hadn’t been as close to Max, but she was still his friend. She was is brave, stubborn, and deserved so much more.
And El… well. El was El. Mike could see her straining herself. He could see how she still felt guilty because she could not stop Henry or the mindflayer, and save Max.
“You know you’re too young to smoke that easily.”
Steve’s voice cut through his thoughts, and Mike nearly dropped the cigarette. His eyes followed Steve’s hands as he mirrored Mike’s movements, lighting his own cigarette.
“Just don’t tell Nancy.”
Steve had been a constant in Mike’s life for about five years now. Like a big brother, always looking out for him. They weren’t as close as Steve and Dustin, but Mike liked him. Admired him. Unlike everyone else, Steve had no personal attachment to any of this. He’d just stumbled into this nightmare and stayed. On the other hand this could probably be said about every last one of them. They all just stumbled into this and now had to save the world somehow.
“Nah,” Steve said. “Wouldn’t do that. It’s not like I’m one to preach.” His squinting eyes focused on Mike. “What are you even doing up? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you awake a lot these last few days.”
“What are you doing up?” Mike huffed, averting his gaze.
Smoking was his way of not thinking about the dreams. Especially tonight. About Will. About the painting. The one that wasn’t from El. The one still sitting in his house.
Why did Will lie about it?
The question he tried so hard not to ask himself since he realised, or Will for that matter. He took one last drag before answering. “I can’t really sleep these days. I don’t know what to do with myself. I come down here, smoke one, wait a few hours, go back up, sleep for maybe another hour and then the next day starts.”
“You wanna learn to drive?” Steve asked, nodding toward Nancy’s old Toyota. It was the designated car at the moment when they weren't using the van.
“What?”
“Do you want me to teach you?” Steve continued. He understood Mike in a way he didn't think anyone elser understood him. Most nights he was also lying awake at night, making sure everyone was okay and no one was Vecna'd. He also didn't know what to do with himself most times. He can't always drive cars into the Upside Down and nearly kill himself. “We’re both awake anyway. Might as well make use of it. Can’t always be me driving, Wheeler.”
Already fumbling with the keys, Steve headed for the blue car, Mike following close behind.
“Nancy’s going to kill you if something happens,” Mike muttered as Steve slid into the driver’s seat.
“If you total her car, the only one we’ve got except for the van, she’s definitely going to kill you, too.” Steve laughed, starting the engine. “Get in. I’ll drive us somewhere quiet first, so we're not waking anyone up.”
Over the next few days, it kind of became their ritual.
Mike woke up, haunted by different scenarios, more often involving Will. Every night he had a harder time falling asleep. After a few hours of sleep, usually around 12:00 at night he would sneak out of the room and either meet Steve already waiting outside or wait for him. They’d smoke together and then start to drive around.
On the first days, Steve drove them to a place a little farther away from the station, and it was definitely for the better. Mike would never admit to anyone other than Steve how many times he stalled the car. Driving wasn't as easy as he hoped it would be. Steve laughed a lot, but he also was a good teacher. They both were teasing each other, equally.
On day five, Steve let him drive the car from the station for the first time. There was no stalling, no loud noises. He drove pretty slow, but he drove. The drive of the station ground was silent, mike was concentrated. He didn't want to make any mistakes, now that Steve trustshim enough to let him out on the streets.
“You’re a pretty fast learner, you know?” Steve said proud. “Do you have place in mind you want to drive to?”
Steve looked straight ahead, making sure he could interfere if anything happened. Mike thought about possible places. They could drive to the quarry, even though it wasn't really his favorite place. The same goes for the Starcourt Mall. Maybe they can just drive around without a destination. But, in the back of his mind a voice whispers, that there is a place that had been haunting him for the last few days. And maybe it would be good to visit it. Especially with Steve and not his sister or Will.
“Can we head to my house?” he asked, quieter than he intended.
He hadn’t been there since the night his parents were attacked. He didn’t even know if anyone had cleaned the place. Was it locked? Was the blood still there?
The silence was loud as Steve eyed him. He could practically hear Steve evaluating if he wants to question this decision. Then the older boy sighed and turned on the radio. Bon Jovi was playing.
“Yeah,” Steve said softly. “Sure. If that’s what you want.”
And I’ll be there forever and a day, always…
Mike had trouble parking the car and figured he’d just have to live with it being a wonky parker after five days. They got out and stopped a few feet short from the front door. Everything looked so normal. As if his parents weren’t in the hospital bed fighting for their lives after fighting for their lives against a Demogorgon. As if his sister would still be waiting inside, coloring her pictures instead of being in the Upside Down. He feels his heart beating faster, every second becoming faster. He had to take deeper breaths because he felt like he has not enough air in his lungs. Is this what Will called a panic attack? He told him a few months ago about them. How he had them before they moved to Lenora.
“Are you sure you’re alright, buddy?” Mike suddenly felt the warmth of Steve’s hand on his shoulder and started to tremble.
“I wasn’t here since… before.”
Steve didn’t interrupt, just rubbed his thumb over Mike’s shoulder and stayed silent.
“Since Vecna took Holly and nearly murdered my parents,” Mike continued. “I just don’t know… what waits for me, you know? But I also need to get something out of the house.”
For a second, he hoped Steve would offer to get it for him. But he knew he wouldn’t. Steve was more the type to help you get through it yourself.
“I always thought you were the strongest and smartest kid out of your whole group.”
“What?”
“Well, you’re obviously not as smart as Dustin or as strong as Lucas or El for that matter.” At that, Mike let out an offended huff, and Steve’s mouth twitched upward.
“But mentally? You’ve dealt with so much. Maybe not as much as Will but I think you don't get enough credit for the shit you went through. Your best friend went missing, and you were the only one who never gave up on him. Dustin told me how he and Lucas thought you’d lost it, because you wouldn't accept it. Also about how sorry they were.”
Mike swallowed and Steves voice softened.
“You powered through anyway. You stayed at Will’s side when he needed you, when everyone else was falling apart. Nance with Barb, Mrs. Byers with Will, hell, I was barely holding it together myself with all the Demogorgon and Russian shit.”
He squeezed Mike‘s shoulder slightly. Mike only thought about the time he wasn't a good friend. Steve doesn't seem to know about that. When he ignored Will for six months, never sending any of the letters he wrote. Of course he tried to call him. Dustin was always making fun of Mike for hogging the phone, but the line was always occupied.
So why couldn't he just have sent the letters?
Why did he rather make out with El than play DnD with his friends?
Why didn't he hug Will after six month of barely any contact?
Why...
“But Mike, you kept going. You kept the group together. Dustin gives you a lot of credit for that. Says you‘re the leader.”
The leader. The heart.
Tears burned behind Mike’s eyes.
“But even leaders don’t always need to be strong.”
That did it. Tears streamed down his cheeks as Steve pulled him into his arms. Mike couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried like this. Maybe when he was a little kid. But it felt freeing, like built-up stress and fear were finally slipping off his shoulders.
“What do I do if something happens to them, Steve?” he hiccupped. “What if something happens to Will? He’s my best friend. I barely got through six months without him. How—”
His words dissolved into sobs. He wasn’t even sure if they were understandable anymore.
“I can’t live my whole life without him. The last time when I thought he died I jumped, El saved me, but…”
The realization hit him the moment he felt Steve’s body stiffen. He’d never said it out loud before. He made Dustin, El and Lucas swear on their lives they never talked to anyone about it, so why is he talking about it?
Steve stepped back slightly, still holding Mike’s shoulders, his brows furrowed.
“Mike. What do you mean?”
Another sob escapes. “We were there when they found the body in the quarry,” Mike said, dragging in a breath that came out shaky and broken. “The day after, Troy told me I had to jump or he’d cut out Dustin’s teeth, and I just thought… fuck it.” He swallowed hard. “Without Will, I just… didn’t see the point.”
Steve pulled him back into his arms, and Mike broke again, crying into his chest.
After what felt like an eternity, Mike stepped back and looked at his house.
“Maybe we can come back tomorrow?” The words barely made it past his lips.
“Sure, bud,” Steve said softly.