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Papyrus held two heavy grocery bags in his left hand.
Heavy by definition, but not for him. Being a monster mascot meant more training to ensure his safety, which, as much as he appreciated, left him feeling tired most of the time. But one of its benefits was the strength he possessed now. He could swear he was stronger than Undyne, or even the king himself. He really did earn the title of The Great Papyrus. His fatigue was not something that could stop him from being the greatest, after all!
He stepped off the pavement and went towards his car. The only other vehicle in the parking lot was a white van, right next to his red Mazda MX-5 Miata. He'd question why it was parked right next to him when so many other parking lots were available at this hour of the day, but it did not matter. Perhaps the owner wanted to admire his car. Who wouldn't? It was beautiful.
With his free hand, he took out the key from his pocket and unlocked the car. He opened the door and put the groceries on the passenger's seat right next to the driver's seat, and as he secured it with a seatbelt, a hand wrapped around his torso, yanking him backward with unexpected force. That person, whoever it was, pushed him towards the back of the van.
Disoriented, Papyrus grabbed the van's wall, stopping himself from stumbling at last. Confused, he turned around and saw a human with a Venetian mask closing the van's door, securing it with a lock. To Papyrus's knowledge, it was a lever lock. But as much as he'd love to indulge in the details, the human in front of him seemed like they were anxiously anticipating something.
"UH, HELLO, HUMAN! I AM NOT SURE HOW IT WORKS AROUND THESE PARTS, BUT IF YOU'VE WANTED TO TALK, YOU DID NOT NEED TO PULL ME INSIDE YOUR VEHICLE! A SIMPLE HELLO WOULD DO," he explained with a simple smile as he offered his hand.
"I-I'm not here to say hello! I am kidnapping you!" they said with crossed arms. They looked oddly nervous for a kidnapper, not that Papyrus knew many kidnappers. Besides himself, of course.
"OH! WELL, IT MAKES UTTERMOST SENSE. I ALSO KIDNAPPED A HUMAN ONCE! WE ARE THE GREATEST OF FRIENDS THESE DAYS," said Papyrus, still offering his hand to the now confused human. "IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DO? MAKE FRIENDS? THIS IS YOUR OWN VERSION OF MY SHED?"
...
"...WhAT?"
The kidnapper took out a small notebook from their pocket, reading it through and writing something in it, all the while stealing glances at Papyrus.
"No, not friends! I don't want to be friends, I want something else from you!" said the human, still processing that Papyrus, the mascot of all monsters, has apparently kidnapped somebody.
Papyrus gasped, dramatically putting both his hands on his torso. "OH, HUMAN! I DO NOT KNOW YOU AT ALL! YOU ARE NOT SAYING YOU WANTED TO CONFESS CERTAIN FEELINGS FROM ME NOW, DO YOU?" said Papyrus, blinking twice, as if waving his non-existent eyelashes at the human.
"N-no! I mean, yes? I do have feelings for you, I have a feeling that you are rich! A person important for the whole monster kind! Somebody whose disappearance would cause a lot of rucus, and as a result, a lot of money! Monsters would spend money to save you!" said the human as they took a step back. Their mask didn't do much in hiding the fluster they tried to put aside so hard in favor of a more intimidating stance.
Papyrus's smile widened. "NYEH HEH HEH! I SEE, YOUR FEELINGS FOR ME ARE QUITE GRAND IF YOU NOTICE JUST HOW MUCH MY FRIENDS CARE ABOUT ME. IT IS ADMIRABLE, I DO ADMIT! BEING PERCEPTIVE... IT REMINDS ME OF AN IMPORTANT FIGURE IN MY LIFE! I DARE SAY, YOU ARE BRAVE TO SAY THIS ALL IN MY FACE!" he took his hand away, realising the poor human was probably too shy to shake it.
"...Okay, Papyrus, I think you severely miscalculated what I was trying to convey here. Take a second to look around and tell me what you think all of this is," said the human, gesturing at the poor interior of the van as they, for some reason, took out a knife from their pocket.
Papyrus did as instructed. The van was rather spacious on the inside, but not by much. And the van's door had a rectangular window on it, through which he could see that the vehicle wasn't moving. The door itself was locked with a lever lock. In front of him was a masked human, trying hard to regain their shaken composure by breathing techniques.
"...WHY OF COURSE, IT'S A SURPRISE DATE FROM A FAN!" he beamed, flattered.
"No! This is a kidnapping! I am kidnapping you for money! I will tie you to a chair and ask your friends to send me money if they want to see you ever again!" Their voice cracked at the last part. Clearly, they haven't done this before.
And for just a few seconds, neither said anything whilst staring at each other. The human waved the knife in front of themselves, as if to emphasize their point.
"OOOH... THAT MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE NOW! NYEH HEH HEH...?" said Papyrus, droplets of sweat appearing on his skull as he let out a partially confused laugher.
"You've got the survival instincts of a fly, dude..." groaned the human, quietly laughing to themself before regaining their 'cold' composure. "Regardless of what you think this is, you're gonna do as I say, unless you want to get hurt."
"WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, THEN? I HAVE NEVER BEEN KIDNAPPED BEFORE. THIS IS EXCITING," he said
"I don't know, can't you just sit down in the corner or something? I have zip ties if you're gonna try any tricks with me."
"DO YOU THINK THOSE 'ZIP TIES' WILL HOLD ME DOWN?" he asked.
"They should, I think," said the kidnapper as they, without looking away from Papyrus, searched their pocket in search of the zip ties.
They had their knife pointed at Papyrus, who compliantly sat in the corner of the back. Crouching in front of them, they put their knife in their left hand and the zip ties in their right hand.
"Show me your hands," said the kidnapper.
With a smile, "YOU DIDN'T SAY THE MAGIC WORD!" said Papyrus, much to the kidnapper's confusion.
"What the hell do you want me to say? Fricking... abracadabra? Alakazam? Like, what do monsters consider a magic word?!" said the kidnapper, pointing the knife at Papyrus's chin.
"WELL, I WAS THINKING OF PLEASE," said Papyrus.
They face-palmed with their right hand, still holding the zip ties. "...Can you please show me your hands?"
"WELL, OF COURSE! SINCE YOU'VE ASKED SO NICELY!" said Papyrus as he complied with the kidnapper's demand.
"Okay, cool! It's all going according to, uh, plan, then," they said as they put their knife on the ground and started to—
Papyrus kicked the knife to the other side of the van and, with unexpected force, took all the zip ties from their hands, then threw himself on the kidnapper, successfully pinning them to the van's ground.
"What...!" they yelped.
"DID YOU REALLY THINK I'M THIS NAÏVE? THIS... WEAK?" asked Papyrus, twisting their arms onto their back and securing them to each other with the stolen zip-ties. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS WAS, REALLY. MAYBE YOU JUST REALLY NEEDED THE MONEY," his eyes focused, "OR MAYBE YOU JUST HATE MONSTERS THAT MUCH."
"I-I don't—"
"REGARDLESS OF THAT," he interrupted, "WHAT I'M MOSTLY CURIOUS ABOUT IS..." A circle of transparent blue bones appeared in the air, aiming their pointed side right at the kidnapper. "WHAT MADE YOU THINK I CAN'T DEFEND MYSELF???"
Their eyes widened in horror. His blood ran cold, and a shiver ran down his currently pinned spine. That skeleton. The guy he assumed was, well, an idiot, pinned him down.
Stammering, the kidnapper said, "I didn't... I don't... Y-you're—"
He didn't get the chance to finish. He never had, really. Not with what he was trying to do.
"AS MUCH AS I WOULD LOVE TO CONTINUE THIS FIGHT, I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME OF DAY TO GIVE YOU," said Papyrus, analyzing the lock again. He looked down at the masked kidnapper and dragged them by the collar of their shirt, right to the back of the van, the corner he previously sat in. He surrounded him with the pointed bones still levitating all around the kidnapper.
He calmly approached the lock. As he previously noticed, a lever lock.
The kidnapper watched with wide eyes as the skeleton summoned two smaller bones and, in a matter of seconds, picked the lock. A lever lock. Not just a normal twist-around-and-find-out lock.
Was this skeleton a thug or something?!
"Have you done this before...?" they asked, reminding themselves of the mention of Papyrus kidnapping his friend. What did he do to that friend? What will he do to him?
Papyrus looked back as he opened the door of the van, "THIS? OH! NO, I HAVE NOT! BUT I DO HAVE THE ADVANTAGE OF BEING THE GREATEST PUZZLE MASTER IN THE ENTIRETY OF SNOWDIN, MY PREVIOUS HOME TOWN! SO THIS WAS NOTHING BUT SIMPLE," said Papyrus, his cheerful smile, previously idiotic, returned. Now making them flinch.
He exited the door and shut it behind himself. He looked at the registration. He could take a picture for the police department.
He went back towards his car and took out his phone, which he hadn't heard ringing for the past minute. He picked it up.
"HELLO, THE GREAT PAPYRUS SPEAKING!" he said as he shut the door of his car, put the phone on loud, and snapped a picture of the van's registration
"heya. when are you coming home?" asked Sans from the other side.
"OH, DON'T WORRY!" he opened the door of the van, casting a shadow on the now kidnapped kidnapper. "SOMETHING HELD ME BACK, BUT I'LL BE BACK SOON."
"cool. see ya soon," shrugged Sans as he disconnected the call.
Papyrus approached the masked human and crouched next to them, moving the levitating bones further up, so as not to harm himself.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't know... I'm sorry," they frantically waved their head, trying to make themselves as small as they could, when suddenly, Papyrus put both his hands on their shoulder.
"HUMAN. ALLOW ME TO ASK YOU A QUESTION," he looked deep into their eyes.
"Uh, y-yeah?"
Papyrus sighed, "DESPITE LIVING ON THE SURFACE AND BEING CHALLENGED MANY TIMES BY PEOPLE SUCH AS YOURSELF, I NEVER REALLY STOPPED BELIEVING IN SOMETHING... BELIEVING THAT, ANY PERSON, DESPITE WHO THEY ARE AND HOW THEY ACT, CAN CHANGE. SO," his grip tightened around their shoulder blades. "DO YOU THINK EVEN THE WORST PERSON CAN CHANGE? THAT ANYONE, INCLUDING YOU, CAN BE A GOOD PERSON IF THEY JUST TRY?"
The kidnapper held their breath, not quite expecting the sudden philosophy. But they looked up at the bones surrounding him, and into the eye sockets of the deeply hopeful skeleton.
"Change? I...yeah. People do change," they answered, "But I don't get why you're asking me that. Just throw me to the police, don't act all... m-morally superior." he said that last part quietly. It loosened Papyrus's grip.
"OH, BUT THAT IS NOT IN MY INTENTION!" assured Papyrus, "I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO BE A BAD PERSON ANYMORE. I DON'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR LIFE! FROM WHAT I AND MANY OTHERS HAVE NOTICED, PRISON IS NOT A GOOD LIFE COACH... BUT I AM!"
"What- just what are you suggesting?"
"THAT I CAN BE THE ONE TO CHANGE YOU! PLEASE, DON'T BE THE WAY YOU ARE ANYMORE. I WILL GIVE YOU MONEY FOR AS LONG AS YOU PROMISE YOUR ACTS OF VILLAINY WILL COME TO A HALT!"
"What? N-no, I mean, feel free to give me money, yes! But, I mean..." They tried to pick their thoughts out, but they mumbo jumbled. "Okay, I promise! I'm sorry for what I've done, it's just that I can't believe you don't want to, I don't know, punish me? You really trust me with being good now? Really?"
Papyrus laughed, "OH, TRUST YOU I DON'T! BUT THAT IS THE REASON I HAVE TAKEN A PICTURE OF YOUR WEHICLE'S NUMBER, AND I WILL ALSO TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR FACE! THAT WAY, IF YOU'VE LIED TO ME, I WILL KNOW JUST WHO TO REPORT IT TO!" he outstretched his hand towards the mask and pulled it off. "AND I AM A FRIEND WITH ONE REALLY GOOD POLICE OFFICER, WITH FULL CERTAINITY, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT SHE WOULD LITERALLY TEAR YOU TO PIECES IF I'VE TOLD HER ABOUT YOU!" he winked playfully.
He positioned himself to sit next to the kidnapper and put the phone into selfie mode. "NOW, AS YOU PEOPLE SAY IT, CHEESE! NYEH HEH HEH!" his smile widened.
The kidnapper didn't smile at the camera.
Then, as the camera flashed, the world blinked once, then twice. And with it, the bones, the mask, and zip-ties disappeared with the shutter. The human looked around frantically, but the skeleton was nowhere to be found. A small pile of 200§ bills was left where the skeleton was previously. That guy could teleport?!
Still sitting in that small corner, he wrapped his head in his hands and just sat there, contemplating his sanity.
...
What the fuck.