Chapter Text
Dan doesn’t cry when he sees the DM.
He wants to, his heart shattered into a million little pieces. But he also wants to hit, to yell and curse and scream at this beautiful boy who took everything Dan had and threw it away.
AmazingPhil: I don’t think you should come visit anymore.
AmazingPhil: I’m sorry
You cannot reply to this message
Fuck Phil Lester and his stupid YouTube channel and his stupid hair. His stupid face and his stupid eyes that once made Dan feel seen. Now they just make him angry. And sad, but that’s not the emotion Dan wants to feel now or ever again in regards to this boy who had Dan’s heart in his hands and smashed it.
Dan screams into his pillow. He’s thankful that no one’s home to hear his breakdown.
He just doesn’t understand.
They’d skyped literally two nights before and everything seemed fine. Dan had gone on and on excitedly about his planned trip to visit Phil and he still remembers the way Phil smiled, the way his eyes lit up as Dan spoke.
Was it all a lie? Was this some kind of practical joke, to give Dan false hope that someone could actually want him? Dan should’ve known better.
The tears that Dan tried so hard to suppress start rolling down his cheeks despite his best efforts. He doesn’t want this. He wants to go back to yesterday, when Phil wanted him. When Phil cared about him.
“Fuck you.” He whispers. “Fuck you, Phil Lester.”
He sobs into his pillow, unable to hold back the pain any longer. He hates that Phil has so much power over him, that he can make Dan feel so much that he can’t contain it. He should have been more careful. Hell, he never should have sent that first tweet that led him down the rabbit hole that led him to Phil. Dan may have been dead inside but anything is better than this kind of hurt.
Dan pulls his blanket over his head. He does not want to be perceived. He doesn’t even want to exist right now. But fuck it. He’s going to keep living out of spite.
He still feels the pain two weeks later.
He’s at a club with some of his old school “friends”. Dan doesn’t particularly enjoy this kind of thing, the drinking and the dancing and the socializing, but he was invited and anything is better than sitting around waiting for some asshole YouTuber to change his mind.
Dan keeps flipping back and forth between fury and desperation. Obviously he’s angry at the way Phil smashed his heart into pieces. But there’s part of him that desperately wants Phil to change his mind, to come crawling back and beg for Dan’s forgiveness. Dan hates the way he would forgive Phil, if only he asked for it.
There’s a cute blonde girl at the bar that keeps glancing over at him. She’s not his type; if he’s honest with himself women in general aren’t his type. But at this point he’d try anything to stop thinking about Phil Lester.
“Hey.” He says as he approaches the bar.
“Hey.” The girl smiles at him flirtatiously. Dan feels sick to his stomach.
“Can I buy you a drink?” He ignores the sick feeling. He can’t deal with the implications of that right now.
“A margarita would be nice.”
Dan orders two margaritas. “My name’s Dan.”
“Sam.” She smiles wide and bright.
They sip on their drinks and chat a little. Sam is in her second year at University, studying education. She came home for her sister’s birthday and decided to take the night out and go party with her friends.
“You wanna…?” He tilts his head towards the nightclub bathroom.
“I thought you’d never ask.” Sam smiles seductively.
He fucks her hard and fast in the bathroom without a condom, thinking of Phil the entire fucking time. What it would have been like if they’d gotten their chance. It probably would have been the exact opposite of this; slow and romantic and on an actual fucking bed.
He needs to stop. This isn’t healthy.
When they’ve both come, they guiltily make their way out of the bathroom, to the indignation of the people waiting in line for the toilet.
Sam gives him her phone number on a napkin and tells him to call if he’s ever in London. Dan doubts he’ll ever use it. Fucking her only made him feel worse.
Dan’s mother is on his ass about university applications again. As if he hadn’t heard it enough before his fucking gap year.
On the bright side, it gives him a welcome distraction. He can’t think about Phil if he’s busy doing other, more important things.
That’s probably the biggest lie Dan’s ever told in his entire life.
He procrastinates again, and he knows he shouldn’t, but he hops onto his laptop, opens up YouTube, and searches AmazingPhil. He immediately feels a knot forming in the pit of his stomach, the anxiety radiating throughout his entire body. Phil hasn’t posted anything since before he ghosted Dan. Dan doesn’t know why, but part of him feels relieved. He doesn’t know what he would do if, say, Phil had posted about a new boyfriend. Not that he’d ever really posted about that kind of thing before, but once Dan starts spiraling, it’s near impossible to stop.
He needs to stop and he needs to stop now, before he ends up seeing something that he really doesn’t want to see.
It does hurt less, though, to think of Phil. He still feels a hot flash of anger when he thinks about Phil’s last message but on the whole, he thinks he’s getting better. It’s really just thinking about him, and wondering what he’s doing- or who he’s doing, when he’s feeling particularly lonesome.
Maybe he’s just resigned to the whole thing.
So he spends his time doing applications and working and generally trying not to think about Phil but there’s a nagging feeling in the back of his head, during those moments where he isn’t doing anything else that tells him Phil is better off without him, anyway.
He’s trying his best not to entertain those thoughts. Dan’s the one probably better off without Phil. Probably.
Dan sighs at his computer. He has to repeat to himself that it’s a good thing Phil hasn’t posted. He doesn’t need to spiral any more than he already has.
Dan settles on Manchester and it has nothing to do with Phil, he swears. He has other backups just in case, but he knows where he wants to be and he’s hoping, praying, he gets in. On the downside, Dan’s recently been fired and now that he doesn’t have anything else to occupy his time, he’s got plenty of time to be alone with his thoughts. Like how he’s not sure he’ll ever amount to anything, how he doesn’t know what he wants to do anymore but he’s sure it’s not law. He feels stuck.
Tonight Dan’s lying down in bed, his laptop balanced precariously on his nightstand, watching DDR videos on YouTube. He’s not doing well emotionally, everything seeming to come crashing down on him, and it only serves to remind himself of his own insignificance in the universe.
Fuck, this is probably the shit that pushed Phil away.
He turns over to his back and stares at the ceiling. What is the fucking point? His life has been nothing but pain and sorrow and getting his heart broken by some emo twink from Rawtenstall.
But he’s way too tired to kill himself.
Okay, so he doesn’t really want to kill himself. Not now, anyway. But everything is so hard right now and Dan isn’t sure what to do with himself. He knows that, no matter if he actually wants to, he’s going to study law. But what comes after that…
He has an idea. It’s a stupid idea, one born out of boredom and spite, but he’s committed to it now and there’s no stopping it.
He’s going to make a YouTube video.
“Hello, my name is Dan…”
And it begins.
He fucking hates Manchester already.
Dan’s two weeks into classes and already he’s regretting his decisions. Law sucks. He’s got a single dorm the size of a fucking shoebox and his dorm is filled with loud, raucous students whose only life goals seem to be testing their alcohol tolerance to the very limits. He’s struggling with his laundry and, in all honesty, the only bright spot in his life right now is that his YouTube channel is picking up steam.
He’s trying his hardest to study but tonight, like almost every other night, the noise is too much and Dan can’t focus. He briefly considers going to the library but decides it's too much effort and instead pulls out his laptop.
He logs onto Twitter and notices he has a new DM. It’s not unusual; Dan’s made some friends- or acquaintances, rather, through YouTube. It may just be someone looking for a collab. What he sees instead makes his heart stop and his breath catch.
AmazingPhil: your most recent video is SO good
AmazingPhil: can we talk?
The fucking audacity. Over a year with no contact, and suddenly Phil wants to hop back in his life and DMs and pretend like nothing ever happened? Or to pop on in with some ridiculous excuse for breaking Dan’s heart. He can’t fucking breathe, he needs to get out of this room and away from Twitter and stupid boys. But most importantly Dan wants to get away from this feeling of hope and love that he still carries for Phil after all this time. He won’t make the mistake of letting his heart take the lead, not this time.
So Dan decides to do something he never thought he’d do: he goes for a jog. It’s dark out, and probably not the best idea for a twig like Dan to be out right now, but he can’t really find it in himself to give a fuck.
So Phil decided to finally acknowledge Dan’s existence. So what? It certainly doesn’t erase the last year that Dan spent lonely and heartbroken. But there’s a part of Dan that’s curious as to what kind of bullshit excuse Phil has for ending them before they could even start. And an even smaller part of him that is thinking what if. What if they could begin again?
“No, Daniel.” He mutters to himself. “Don’t even go there.”
And why should he? Phil was the one who wanted this. Dan would have been so happy with Phil if his heart hadn’t been shattered. And here Phil is now, making Dan confused just as he was starting to be comfortable with life without him. Dan is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t notice that he’s about to run right into -
“Oof.” Dan huffs out as he runs right smack into another person. He looks up and time stands still. Of all the people in Manchester he could have run into, it had to be Phil fucking Lester.
“Oh, Dan?” There’s a look of shock on Phil’s face and Dan tries hard to ignore the feeling of butterflies that just erupted in his stomach.
“Phil.” He says coldly. “Sorry for running into you. Have a nice life.”
“Wait!” Phil reaches out to grab Dan’s arm as Dan goes to walk away. He flinches.
“Do not touch me.” He says firmly. Phil’s face drops.
“Please, can we just talk?”
“I don’t know, I sure would have liked that chance before you blocked me and broke my heart.” Dan replies angrily. He feels the heat rising up to his face. “So give me one good reason why I should talk to you.”
“Please just let me make it up to you.” Phil begs.
“Make it up to me, Phil- I don’t think we should be having this conversation out in the middle of the street.”
“Then let’s go somewhere and talk.”
“Fine.” Dan relents. “But we’re doing this on my terms.”
The walk back to Dan’s dorm is silent. He can tell Phil wants to say something, but as long as Dan doesn’t look at him, Phil doesn’t say anything. He’s grateful that Phil seems to be respecting his boundaries, at least. At long last, Dan and Phil make it back to Dan’s room and as soon as Dan shuts the door behind him, he glares at Phil.
“Talk.” He says angrily.
“Dan, I am so, so sorry.” Phil begins. “There’s really no excuse for what I did to you. I was a coward.”
“Why did you do it, Phil?”
“I was so scared that I wouldn’t live up to the image of me you had in your mind.” Phil says. “I really wanted you to like me and I was scared you wouldn’t if you met the real me.”
“Jesus Christ, Phil, you think I wasn’t scared?” Dan explodes. Phil flinches and there’s a petty part of Dan that feels satisfied with himself. “I was so scared that you’d take one look at me and think I was just some dumb kid.”
“I never would’ve thought that.” Phil insists.
“And you don’t think I deserved a chance to make up my mind for myself?”
“I’m sorry, Dan.”
Dan sighs. Phil looks so pitiful right now, blue eyes sad and welling with tears. It’s enough to take the edge off his anger, as much as he wants to hold onto it.
“I need you to know something, Phil.” He says. “I was fucking devastated. I had never felt the way about anyone that I felt about you and you took that and completely shattered me.” He lets out a shaky sigh. “I want to know why are you just now reaching out?”
“I’ve been watching your videos ever since your first one.” Phil takes a shaky breath, his voice cracking. “I saw you moved to Manchester and it felt like a sign.” Dan feels like he’s been punched in the gut. It felt like a sign? He hates how that melts his heart.
“I don’t trust you.” Dan says bluntly and Phil nods sadly. “And quite frankly, it will be a long time before I can fully trust you again.” He inhales sharply. “But I’m willing to be friends, that’s all. And you’ll have to be okay with that.”
Phil nods enthusiastically. “I’m okay with that.”
“Good.”
"Thank you so much, Dan.”
Dan smiles.