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The killers were sitting next to the Christmas tree Slasher had cut down a few weeks ago, and they were holding the gifts they’d made for the others.
“SHUT UP, NOLI, OR I’M BURNING THIS FUCKING PLACE TO THE GROUND!!!”
“TH@T’$ N0T VE-VERY FE-FES-EST1VE 0F Y0U!”
(NOLI, 1X, CALM DOWN.)
“F1ne, f-fin3. $lasher, c@n w3 o-open pr3-resents n0w?”
Slasher sighed, and nodded.
(Yeah. I’ll start.)
He opened the bloody Trader Joe’s bag next to him, and pulled out a few gifts, throwing them to each of the killers.
(I decided to do some woodcarving.)
“Oh, nice, a wooden Nightshade…”
Noli turned to Azure, with a crudely carved model of the Void Star in his hand.
“Y0u don-n’t s33m ver-ery enth-thu$iastic!”
“No, I like it.”
Both John Doe and C00lkidd had received a set of miniature survivors and killers, both for entirely separate reasons.
(Doe, no excuses anymore for using Noli’s Amiibo or Nendoroids for your insane battle scenarios that will almost never happen in real life.)
“I think they’re safer with me, to be honest.”
“0H C0M3-OME ON, 1’M W-WEIRD-RD BUT NOT-T TH@T W3IRD!!!”
1x rolled their eyes (Fuck it, I’ve decided that they’re capable of doing so), saying:
“Yeah, sure, then what’s with the weird stains on Hatsune Miku?”
“My f-fuck1ng-ing L3FT K-KID-IDNEY!!!”
(Noli, WHAT?!)
“L0ng-ng $tory.”
“Is it my turn yet?”
Azure shushed C00lkidd,
“Wait, we need to find out how Noli lost one of his vital organs!”
(No, no we don’t. C00lkidd, you can go.)
“Hell yea-”
“Nraah!” (Watch the language!)
“Guest, there’s been about 3 f-bombs in this conversation alone.”
“Mrrh.” (I was zoning out. Sorry.)
C00lkidd went around to each of the killers, handing them toy Dracobloxxers that were painted to look like them.
Azure’s had a tiny felt hat, and popsicle sticks representing tentacles. The paint on it was smooth and glossy.
“Kidd, where did you get this paint?”
“Oh, it’s Guest 666’s nail polish.”
“RRRAAHHH!” (OH, YOU MOTHERF- THAT’S WHERE IT’S BEEN DISAPPEARING TO!)
“Sorry.”
“Hrr.” (If you weren’t 10 I’d kick your ass.)
“666, wh-wh@t’s y0ur d3al-eal t0da-ay?! Y0u’r3 wor-worse than-n 1x!”
Guest 666 didn’t respond, they just flipped Noli off with a claw.
(Aaanyways, who’s next?)
“Me.”
Azure stood up and left the room without elaborating further.
“What is he plotting?”
“Doe, if they want to kill us, you’re not the one he’s going for first.”
(1x, I’m sure he’s not planning to murder us on Christmas. You two are fucking para-)
“W@TCH-TCH 0UT!!!”
Something flew through the air, hitting Slasher on the head.
(HOLY- I’LL KILL YOU!!!)
Thankfully, Azure was not trying to kill everyone, but trying to give everyone flowers, which would usually be the more likely outcome, but these guys (gender-neutral) are called “the killers” for a reason.
“Grrh?” (Do the ones you picked out for us mean anything, or is it just based off of how they look together?)
“Possibly.”
“Oh, don’t tell me that mine means “you’re a bitch” or some shit…”, said 1x, holding a bouquet that included Datura, Lobelias, Black Roses and Wolfsbane.
“Also possible.”
“A-@nd d03s mi-min3 me@n “y0u’r3-re r3-really aw3s-we$ome?”
Noli had gotten some Begonias, Love-In-The-Mist (Who named these flowers oh my god) and a bunch of assorted purple flowers.
“No.”
“@ww, dang1t.”
(Thanks, Azure. Doe, you’re up next.)
“Great! For Christmas this year, I got each of you a binder of-”
Azure groaned:
“Oh god not the battle strategies again…”
“JUST KIDDING! I spent the last two weeks analyzing your personalities and interests to try and come up with the best possible gifts for all of you.”
“$ince-ce wh3n were-re y0u @n 1n-intern3t-net @lgo-gorith1m?!”
“Since December 11.”
Guest 666 started throwing gifts at all the killers, each neatly wrapped in festive wrapping paper.
“666 helped source the stuff on my list, so I didn’'t have to.”
“Wh3re the-3 he\\ d1d the-they g3t @ 30 dD0lla-lar $team g1-gift c4rd fr0m?!”
“Hrragh.” (A magician never reveals their secrets.)
1x had received a weird ball, painted to look like Shedletsky.
“Doe, the hell is this?”"
“It’s a stress ball. You squeeze it whenever you get the urge to threaten to kill all of us.”
“I could’ve used his actual head for this.”
(1x, if you bring his corpse into the cabin again I’m evicting you.)
“YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT!”
(Are you really gonna test that?)
Azure had gotten a packet of flower seeds, but he soon noticed something.
“John, uh, thanks for the seeds, but I already have these ones out back. You pass by them almost every day.”
“Shit- Looks like I need to strengthen my analysis.”
“Raah!” (Or maybe just pay attention to what’s going on around you for a change!)
(Hey, 666. Where’'d you get this Friday the 13th box set from?)
“Mrrrrh.” (If you REALLY wanna know, I stole it from the survivor cabins.)
John Doe did not take kindly to this revelation.
“YOU WHAT?!”
“Grrr.” (I said what I said. You got a problem with that?)
“YES, SEVERAL!”
(Everyone, calm the fuck down. Noli, it’s your turn.)
“W3ll, 1 m@nag3d t0 con-onvince th3 $pectre t0-o g3t me-e @ sh1t ton-on of pa-pa1nt.”
“How?!”
“@zure, 1t’s wa-way 3a$ier th@n 1t-t s0unds. Y0u-u ju$t n33d to g-give th3m some-omething.”
1x started laughing.
“Noli, did you fu-“
“N0, th3-hey $hut th@t 1dea down-own r3al quick-ick. 1 @lso wa-wasn’t abl3 to $ell my s0ul, but b3ating-ing th3m in m-mar10 kart w0r-worked.”
“So what’d you do with the paint?”, C00lkidd asked.
“Wh1le y0u-u guy$ w3re yell-e||ing @t each-ch 0ther, 1 h@d-d my h4llucinat-nation cl0nes p@int-aint your r00ms!”
“Nrah?” (Just now?)
“Ju$t n0w.”
The room fell silent.
Slasher was the first to speak.
(That’s gonna take a while to dry, you know.)
1x interrupted:
“You just locked us out of our rooms for the day, dumbass.”
“…$hit.”
There was more silence, before Slasher spoke again.
(1x, you haven’t gone yet.)
1x had an off-putting grin on their face as they passed out Safeway shopping bags to each of the killers.
Everyone was petrified.
Azure took a deep breath, and opened the bag.
He was greeted with bloodstained, spawn-symbol-like wings and a tail.
“What…”
He glanced around the room, where about half of the other killers were equally horrified.
666 had gotten a torn-up blue T-shirt, like the one Noob always wore, Noli was holding back tears while clutching a disheveled burger hat, Slasher had received a pizza cutter, C00lkidd got a pair of swords, and Doe was holding a notebook.
1x was still smiling.
“Do you like it?”
“GRR!” (NO!)
“1x, what the hell even is this? It says “Chance’s notebook” on the front.”
Azure went into panic mode. There were highly classified state secrets in that book.
“Uhhh- John, can we trade? Please?”
“Ok? I don’t know what I’d do with this anyways…”
Crisis averted.
(1x, I’m never letting you get us things for Christmas ever again.)
“Oh, come on! Don’t people really like waking up to proof of their exes’ gory deaths on Christmas morning?”
“I-1 d0n’t kn-know how y0u 3ven th-think like th@t…”
“I’m the Creation of motherfucking Hatred. I don’t know how YOU keep forgetting that.”
(Everyone, shut up. I’m gonna get the cinnamon rolls out of the oven, and we’re going to have a NICE, PEACEFUL rest of the morning.)
Slasher got up and left the room.
The moment he was out of sight, Azure wrapped a tentacle around 1x’s neck, and Noli grabbed the Void Star.
“1t’s t1m3-me f0r so-some-“
“MURDER!!!”
Later, in the survivor cabins, Chance found an envelope outside his cabin. There was no address on the front. He opened it up, and this is what greeted him:
Is this a cry for help?