Work Text:
Checked her phone again. Double checking that she was in the right pickup area. LaGuardia Airport might be smaller than LAX, but she had no idea how to navigate this new beast.
She looked around. She’s known about Jake and Roger and the other half siblings ever since she decided to do more digging and try to find out who her father was, but it had only ever been friendly DMs and occasionally liking each other’s posts.
Until a few months ago when Jake proposed the idea that Lucy meet the family.
And now it was real. The two of them were only children about to meet their sibling.
She saw a curly haired guy standing in the middle of the room, alternating between looking at his phone confusedly and looking around the lobby confusedly.
“Jake?” she said.
He perked his head towards the sound. “Lucy?”
She nodded and approached.
Jake went in for a handshake while Lucy went in for a hug. Both caught themselves and switched actions. Jake held up a hand for a high five.
Lucy high fived.
“Toit,” Jake said.
“Yeah,” she said. All things considered, this was not as awkward as anticipated.
“Hope the flight wasn’t too bad,.”
“It was free.”
“Yeah, dad’s great at scoring free tickets but crap at getting them for good times, just be happy this airline didn’t go defunct while you were out of state.” he pointed at her luggage. “The Uber’s outside. I can get that for you.”
“Oh, thanks,” she pushed the ergonomic suitcase towards him then let him lead the way out.
“Kate is currently at the precinct messing with Amy and my other former coworks, but you’ll be meeting her tonight.”
“Wild that we both became police officers. Just the nurture vs nature of it.”
“Yeah, Roger’s children have two options: law enforcement or the reason law enforcement is called. Speaking of which, did you get MCO’s text?”
“MCO? Do you mean Marco?”
“Oh, sorry. Dad’s a pilot and all seven of his kids are from layover hookups at the airline hubs. The fact Marco happens to have an M, C, and O in his name is just coincidence.”
“Well, I did get the text, but I did not venmo him bail.”
“Good. He needs to stew on his decisions and stop making Florida Man headlines,” Jake said. “Honestly, it’s better that he isn’t here. The Peralta men,” he made a hissing sound. “We should never have more than three of us in a room together.”
“Arguing?”
“That, and if there’s another fire the name will die out entirely.”
“What?”
“Hm? Oh yeah. There was a fire at a family reunion–that’s why we don’t have cousins.”
Lucy shrank at the sudden dark turn of the conversation.
“Anyway,” Jake said, like the dark turn never happened. “You are going to love my friends and coworkers. We’re the godparents of each other’s children, and everything important in my life happens at work.”
Shrrrrr
(Scene of Jake and Amy meeting for the first time)
(Scene of their first date that was also a stakeout)
(Scene of Jake proposing in evidence lockup)
(Scene of the wedding outside the precinct)
(Scene of Amy giving birth in an interrogation room)
Shrrrrr
Lucy blinked, taken aback. “That is an interesting way to solve your work life balance.”
“Anyway, I’m a stay at home dad now, so I don’t get to see them day to day–which is just going to make tonight even more special.”
“About tonight, you said that you and your wife were throwing some kind of Halloween party?”
“Halloween Heist, yes.”
“I asked for elaboration but you didn’t respond. Is that like an escape room or–”
“I and my former coworkers, including my wife, come together once a year on Halloween and attempt to steal an item and have it in our possession as the clock strikes midnight eastern standard time. That person is declared and amazing person slash genius, and this year, you are my secret weapon.”
Lucy stared for a moment.
“You barely have to do anything–just think of it as a quick undercover operation, then we get to boast, hold the title for a year, then tomorrow we all sleep in, have a touristy day, and meet dad and DFW at Olive Garden.”
Lucy nodded slowly. “And your coworkers are okay with this?”
“Oh yeah, this is heist 10.”
Lucy smiled stiffly, suddenly understanding why crime in New York was so high.
“So what exactly do you want me to do?”
Lucy stared at the dog in the elevator. It looked like a Rottweiler whose legs had been chopped off, but she was told that it was actually just half corgi. What she was doing felt wrong, but she reminded herself that, even if what her new half-brother did was wrong on several levels, returning the little guy was a good thing.
Lucy stepped through the elevator to the third floor of the 99th Precinct. The place looked like a standard bullpen, though a bit more dated than Midwilshire. She scanned the area for the man matching the photo Jake showed her.
She caught the attention of the first uniformed person she saw.
“Seargent?”
The woman turned around, and Lucy was shocked to realize that she recognized her. She tried not to let it show.
“I’m looking for Charles Boyle,” she said, trying not to let her recognition show.
Amy Santiago looked down. “You found Gouda. Thank god. I could not handle another Boyle dog funeral.”
Amy sneezed, her eyes suddenly bloodshot.
“Charles!”
A squished face scurried towards him.
“The big cheese himself,” Charles crouched forward and kissed the dog on the forehead. “Did somebody miss daddy?”
The dog licked him on the lips, and Charles made kissing sounds.
“Gross. Charles, why is he here and not your house?”
“Well he wandered off this morning, and I figured that I may move apartments, but I will die in this precinct.”
Lucy smiled stiffly at how happy the man seemed about that fact.
Amy folded forward as she sneezed. “Get that thing out of here.”
“This thing is my second born son.”
“It’s a dog!”
Charles sighed. “You’re right, and a police precinct is no place for a man as pure and innocent as Gouda. As much as it kills me, I must opt out of the heist for the sake of my family.”
“It’s. A. Dog.”
Charles went from zero to sixty in his energy level. “None of my sons are biologically mine and I love them all the same, Santiago! You know what? Just for that, I’m going to take my good boy home. Since I won’t be needing this”--Charlies reached into his pocket and pulled out a Greetings From Aruba keychain– “Rosa!”
“Sup.”
Lucy flinched, having not heard the woman approach behind her.
Charles held out the keychain melodramatically. “For you.”
“Dope,” Rosa said as she grabbed it and walked off.
Amy scoffed in disbelief as Charles filed past Lucy into the elevator, talking to the dog in a cutesy voice. “Gouda, I’m going to take you home to your brāļi, Rockfort and Nikolaj.”
The elevator closed to the sounds of Eastern European endearments.
Lucy turned back to Amy. “I’m sorry, but was he speaking Latvian?”
“Good ear. He has a Latvian son, Nikolaj.”
“Strange, the Latvian variation of Nicolas is usually Nikolajs.”
Amy eyed her strangely. “You’re rather knowledgeable of Eastern European languages.”
“I had a Latvian neighbor… and a Filipino friend…and a Mandarin father and Hokkien mother–I’m good with languages.”
Amy eyed her a minute longer. “I’m sorry, you look so familiar.”
“Have you seen the documentary Corey Harris: Child of the Stars? I was one of the talking heads.”
“That must be it,” she said. “I am a documentary nut.”
A pungent smell hit both of their noses. Both women turned to the kitchenette where a petite woman was smiling like a maniac, waiting for people to slowly realize she was microwaving a fish.
Amy growled. “Dammit! Who let Kate out of holding!”
“No cage can hold me!” Kate yelled, fleeing down the hall with Amy in quick pursuit.
Lucy stood there, trying to comprehend what was going on.
“Excuse me, lady that I do not know.”
Lucy turned around to find Jake standing with his hands in his pockets. “Would you like some assistance in finding the front door.”
“Yeah, I think I’m ready to leave this place.”
“Awesome, let’s get checked into your hotel. You don’t have to be here again until midnight–shoot for 11:30.”
Lucy smiled. “Double checking: you didn’t steal that dog?”
“Is it stealing if you have a key to the house?”
“...Yes.”
Jake paused. “Huh…well, I’m his best friend. I’m sure he won’t press charges.”
Lucy fiddled with her phone while waiting for the clock to strike midnight. She’d heard before that you don’t get to choose your family, but, somehow, despite the thousand absurdities and red flags witnessed in the past few hours, she chose to stand in a closet so that her half-brother could gloat about stealing a keychain.
A dozen phone alarms all went off at once.
“There we have it,” Jake proclaimed. “Once again, I have become the winner of the Halloween heist. As I accept my congratulations, I would like to take a moment to thank my mom, my dad, and, of course, my sister.”
“Awww,” a woman said. “Thanks for including me, bro.”
“And of course, I could not have done it without the help of my secret weapon.”
“Hey! We explicitly banned non-family from the heist this year. Terry took minutes at the bylaws meeting.”
“And as inaccurate as those minutes were, Jeffords is right. Amendment 3 bans all non-family people from principal heist roles after the Fake Charles incident with Clause 1 stating that minors and Boyle cousins cannot participate.”
“Holt is right, you might be my best friend, but rules are rules.”
“Yes, but Clause 2–
“I have your sister,”--Lucy saw Amy hold up her wrist to reveal she was handcuffed to Kate– “I knew when you picked her up. I installed a tracker on your phone. I know you picked her up at the airport, I know she hid in the vents, and I know she microwaved the fish to get everybody out of the bullpen.”
“Yes, but you should have looked closer at that fish, because I made my plan obvious.”
Shrrrrr
(Kate throws a fish into the microwave and sets it to 69 seconds. She swears when it automatically switches to 1 minute 9 seconds)
(Zoom in on the fish)
(Voiceover) “That’s right people. It was a red herring.”
Shrrrrr
“Yes, you may have seen me go to the airport and you may have seen my not to subtle texts sent to DFW, but what I didn’t tell you is that I went back to the airport in an uber to pick up…Denver.”
Jake pointed at the back door but nothing happened.
“That’s your cue!”
“Oh, uh,” Lucy awkwardly entered the room. The hoard of people stared at her confusedly. “Hi. I'm Lucy Chen. I flew in this morning from Los Angeles, and I am Jake's sister via Roger.”
“What? No!” Amy said. “I checked the flights when I saw Kate was coming. There were none from Denver until tomorrow.”
“Yeah, my mom was Denver, but that was just for grad school. She moved back to Los Angeles before she had me–on a more serious note, it is nice to meet you all, and Amy–it’s Amy right?”
“Yeah.”
She leaned forward and shook the hand that was not attached to Kate.
“It’s so nice to meet you. Looking forward to getting to know you and Jake better,” she moved to Kate.
“DFW,” she said.
“Denver, though I guess now I’m LAX. Sorry we had to meet like this.”
“Oh, don’t worry, my first impression with Jake was also while I was in handcuffs—did Jake tell you about Olive Garden with dad tomorrow? It’s 50/50 whether or not, but the three of us can have a good time if nothing else.”
“You let your sister’s first and possibly only impression of us be while we’re running around like a bunch of idiots?” Terry said. “Not cool man!”
“You’re just mad because you never thought to use what’s-his-name!”
“Lawrence,” he said. “I talk about him all the time.”
There was a chorus of ‘No you don’ts’ and ‘Whos.’
“What’s the big deal, Terry. We’ll never see her again after today,” Diaz chimed in.
“We might!”
“This probably won’t be my number one spot when I visit.”
“Surely, they get up to antics like these in the LAPD,” Holt said.
“Not much–but in my rookie year, I did accidentally audition for American idol.”
Shrrrrr
(Lucy sings “I’ve Never Loved a Man (The Way I Love You)” by Aretha Franklin. Simon Cowell is not impressed.)
Shrrrr
“Enough getting to know my sister during my end boast!” Jake cried, waving his hands frantically.
“What you did is obvious now that we know you had an extra hand,” Diaz said. “While Charles was distracted by his stupid dog, you picked his pocket and switched his souvenir keychain with a copy so that I thought it was real when he gave it to me. He left with Gouda before Amy fled the scene, so you called on Kate to go to Plan B and microwave the fish so that you could enter without her noticing.”
“That was actually improvised,” Kate said. “Someone in your office planned on microwaving a fish for lunch unprompted.”
“Probably Sven,” Terry said. “He has a weird thing for cod.”
“So it wasn’t even a red herring?” Amy said smugly.
“I could’ve told you that,” Boyle said.
“You weren’t even there, Charles,” Rosa said.
“I caught the lingering aroma when I returned. Sven’s Surströmming has a far more herbal aroma than my pickled cod.”
“Oh. That’s how he knows. Kate stole his lunch.”
“Mid-afternoon snack, but yes.”
“Stop stealing my thunder–and stop talking about fish!” He cried out. “I’m the amazing human slash genius.”
“Yeah guys,” Terry said, voice gentle. “Jake’s been through a lot this year, transitioning to being a full time dad and all.”
“What about my transition to becoming the sole breadwinner!” Amy snapped. “Do you have any idea of the stress that puts on me?”
“Yes!” Terry snapped. “Many men do!”
Amy groaned.
“If I can weigh in,” Lucy chimed in. “I kinda think Charles deserves it because Jake said that the bylaws stipulate that you can only use close family, and he used Gouda to get Charles to leave. He was the last person to validly have the keychain.”
Jake gasped. “By my own sister—doesn’t matter because Holt added the dog clause so he could use Cheddar.”
“You’re right. The dog clause stipulates that people are permitted to use their own pets. You used someone else’s and pets are members of the family.”
“It’s a dog!” Amy snapped.
Holt straightened up. “Cheddar is my son and Gouda is my estranged, furry grandson.”
“Thank you, Holt,” Charles said.
“As much as I hate to say it, I must second the notion that Boyle won this year’s heist.”
“We’re voting for the winner?” Jake said. “What is this? Survivor?”
“Sorry Jake,” Rosa said. “But also, no sorry. You crossed a line. Charles wins.”
“I got Gouda groomed,” Jake said. “He tore up our couch while I was hiding him.”
“He what?” Amy said. “Later. Jake, I know you are my husband and I love you, and Gouda is a dog and I hate him, but I, at my core, must follow the rules as agreed upon and notarized by me. You have violated the rules of the heist, and we must default to the last person who had the heist talisman.” Amy turned. “Boyle, you are an amazing human slash genius.”
“And Gouda is an amazing dog slash genius.”
“The smartest dog has the IQ of a toddler,” Amy said. “And not even a gifted one.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Charles threw up his hand in victory. It’s daddy’s first win, baby!”
Lucy sat picking at her salad, watching rapt as Jake gave a moment by moment breakdown of the previous day to their father. Roger Peralta, despite clearly not getting most of what the fast talking man said, knew to smile and say ‘No way’ or ‘That’s my boy’ whenever his son gestured at him for a reaction. Lucy came here to, among other things, get to know her father, but it took about five minutes for her to realize that he was not the kind of man she needed to know, but she was content with that. This whole thing was more a curiosity than a heritage journey.
Besides, she didn’t need to have a relationship with her dad to have a relationship with her siblings. She just needed to occasionally remind herself that they were naturally off the cuff with their stories and sidebars, but otherwise normal people living normal lives like her.
“I stole a dog, it’s not like I was making meth,” Jake said, trying to justify grabbing his friend’s dog in the dead of night.
“Making meth isn’t that bad,” Lucy said. “Selling it is the issue.”
“You say that like someone who makes meth in their freetime,” Kate said.
“Well, not in my freetime, but I did learn for work. It’s dangerous, but if you’re just making the stuff it’s actually pretty cool to watch the crystals form–assuming someone doesn’t have a gun to your head while you do it.”
Roger pointed. “See Jake, stealing a dog is way worse than making meth.”
“I took him to a doggy spa!”
Shrrrrr
(Gouda lays down on a small padded table with a white towel over his back. Lithe hands are rubbing at his shoulders. There are cucumbers over his eyes.)
(Gouda wines)
(Masseuse, in a Slavic accent, “I can feel you carrying the tension right here. Has a new dog come into the home recently?”)
(Gouda grumbles)
(“That will do it.”)
Shrrrrr
“I thought you just got him groomed?” Lucy said.
“No, I’m doing a puppy apology tour for Gouda.”
“He deserves it,” Lucy said. “If you took Kojo, I would demand spa days for both of us or sue for emotional damages.”
“Ooo,” Kate said. “Double spa day?”
Lucy reached across the table and met Kate in the middle, squeezing her hand.
Roger smiled at the gesture. “It feels so good to know all my kids get along.”
The three of them looked at each other.
“I mean the three I’m in contact with, though things are looking up with MCO.”
“I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s the one we should not have contact with.”
“No, that would be Dublin International.”
Kate swallowed her breadstick fast. “No, that was one arson vs weekly incidents. In order of best hang it goes Me—obviously—Jake-FK.”
She and Jake pointed at each other.
“See what you did there and love it.”
“Even better, Lucy DEN. Newark, Atlanta, Dublin International, MCO.”
“Really?” Roger said, scanning his kids. “You all agree with that?”
A chorus of agreement rang out.
“*Bleep*” Roger said. “I bailed him out and got him on a flight.”
“What!” Jake cried out.
“It’s a surprise. He’s meeting us here.”
“Oh no,” Jake said, frantically rising and grabbing the breadsticks. “I gotta run.”
Lucy smiled. “I’m sure he’s not that—“
“Family!”
The four of them (along with the rest of the restaurant) shot their gazes to the man at the entrance. His naturally curly hair formed the perfect mullet, and his muscle shirt revealed a bush of chest hair just as thick.
“It’s me! Marco!”
“Hi son,” Roger said awkwardly.
“Hey, Dad! I brought Howard!”
MCO pulled a baby gator from his pocket.
“How did you get that on the plane?” Lucy said.
“I told the TSA it was his emotional support iguana,” Roger said.
“They believed that?” she said.
“TSA is all theater.”
Howard wriggled out of Marco’s grasp and scurried under the table. Patrons lifted their legs onto their chairs and ran. Lucy ran away in a zigzag. Jake grabbed a butterknife and yelled as he squatted on his chair. Kate went over to the manager and inquired whether or not this meant their meal was free.
Roger leaned to look under the table. “Howard heel!”
Shrrrrr
Fremulon
Not a Doctor