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When Asriel was four, he vaguely remembered Kris’ birth.
He hardly remembered the woman who would linger around the house, with a big round belly and a face far too young to be a mother. There were fuzzy memories of being told he was going to be a big brother, and that the woman was like Carol. Only instead of a tiny Dess inside, which Asriel could barely comprehend, there was something he hadn’t ever seen before. He’d never really seen a human, not before the woman, let alone a baby one. There were other things, like muffled promises of a little brother for him to play with, and a distinctive kick he felt against his hand.
Asriel didn’t remember much of those nine months, not until the baby’s birth. What he did remember, was getting ushered into a carseat, having to watch the fireworks though the backseat of his father’s truck. He remembered wishing America a happy birthday, only to watch it share the date with his new baby sibling. Everyone else in the hospital seemed to be in there for a firework accident, but Asriel knew that they were there for a special reason.
He remembered eating hotdogs with Dess as his mother excitedly picked him up, telling something to Carol as she left. He remembered the hospital room and his father’s pacing. Only the woman’s mom was allowed in there, apparently. His parents muttered things to each other, saying that she was far too young to be going through these sorts of things. Said she was still a child, only ten or so years older than Dess. Asriel thought she was, in fact, old, but assumed his parents knew what they were talking about. Asriel also thought he wasn’t supposed to hear any of that.
After a really long time of listening to screams, everything seemed to calm down. They were invited inside, and the woman was exhaustedly looking over at the baby in the box. He remembered her waving at him, and him waving back. She looked a mess, and Asriel felt worry build in his stomach, squirming in his mother’s arms. The woman croaked out, “That’s Kris, sweetheart.” She pointed at the baby weakly, directing his attention back to it.
If he was being honest, Kris was an ugly baby. He hadn’t nothing against them, he’d just met them and all, but jeez. Their face was all scrunched up, and their hands were in fists. At first, Asriel didn’t understand the appeal of babies. At least, not now that he’d seen one in person. Their face was slightly pink from the crying they’d done, and they cringed away from any and all light.
But then, it all clicked as he leaned over them. He stuck his hand in slightly, shielding them from the light. They hesitantly opened their eyes, and grabbed at his paw. Then, he understood the appeal of babies. Then, he understood why his mother wanted him to have a baby sibling.
———
When Asriel was nine, his Christmas list was filled with silly things.
Trucks, T-Rexs, and Hot Wheels filled the page following Dear Santa. Kris was sitting across the table from him, still learning how to clutch a pencil properly. Their list was filled with Barbies, alongside rocketships. Asriel was confused, wondering why Kris was asking for girls’ toys rather than boys’ like he was. He had always heard girls in his class say that boys weren’t allowed to play with their toys because they’d ruin them. Pushed by curiosity, he asked, “Kris, aren’t Barbies girls toys? Don’t you want boys' toys? They’re cooler anyways.”
Kris simply shrugged, “I like playing Barbies with Noelle more.” Asriel couldn’t blame them, knowing Kris and Noelle practically recreated whatever reality TV show Carol put on in the background while she cleaned. If he was being honest, it sounded more fun than playing in the mud.
Suddenly, his mother piped up, shouting from the kitchen, “Asriel! Leave your brother alone! He can get whatever toys he wants.” She then came over, pinching at Kris’ cheeks, not noticing as they stuck a tongue out at Asriel. “There is no such thing as girls toys or boys toys, simply toys.” Kris turned their head away from him, returning to the puppy dog eyes they’d flash at their mother to convince her that Asriel was the evil one. Their mother simply rubbed his hair, ignoring his pouting.
Once she walked away, he peered over at Kris’ letter again. He squinted at it, waiting for them to be finished with the swirls they lined the outside with. He then folded the paper twice, watching as they poorly attempted to recreate his work. He pointed at Kris, wordlessly telling them to stay in their seat as he got up. He took a few steps before turning around to make sure they weren’t following him. He glared at them, and got a big eyed look in return.
He opened the drawer to the filing cabinet, brushing past documents he only knew the meanings of half the words inside, and family photos pre-Kris taken off walls. He pulled out two envelopes, carrying them back to an eagerly waiting Kris. They sat on their heels as they shoved their letter haphazardly inside the envelope, scrawling their name with crayon. They adjusted the headband on their head, forcing it back into its preferred position.
———
When Asriel was twelve, he was dragged along to Kris’ piano recital.
He wasn’t mad about listening to Kris, he actually rather enjoyed their playing. And sure, it was done by an eight year old, but they were still a pretty freaking good eight year old. The issue was listening to his parents argue during the twenty minutes they had before doors opened for Kris and the other kids to rehearse.
There was still about five minutes until 7:30, and Asriel was choosing to glare at the truck’s clock, rather than listen to his parents. He slouched down further in his seat, attempting to hide behind the door. He looks through the window to find a concerned Dess pointing at his parents, and The Holidays making unnoticed pointed glares at them. Asriel gave her a thumbs up in response.
His father shouted at his mother, over a topic that meant next to nothing. “You can’t keep letting him do this, Tori! It’s unmanly! He’ll be made fun of by his classmates if he keeps this up!” Kris wanted to wear a bow in their hair, one they stole from Noelle a week prior. The girl in question had a scared expression lacing her soft features, and he had to signal for Dess to calm her.
“He is a child, Asgore! He does not need bullies with his own father making fun of him!” His mother shouted back at him, defending Kris ‘till the day she died. “I do not understand why you will not let him just express himself! It is hard enough that he is the only human in town, just let him be. We will step in when he is older and needs guidance, but right now just let him exist.”
“Angel, Tori… Fine. But when that boy comes home crying someday, just know I tried to stop it.” His father unbuckled his seatbelt, opening the door to Rudy hiding his worried expression. Asriel wondered if they could hear the conversation that took place. Asriel wondered what side they’d all take.
Dess had come over by that point, raising an eyebrow at him, cradling a tiny Noelle, hiding behind her leg. He gave an awkward smile in response, that looked more like a grimace than anything. Asriel pretended like his father wasn’t acting like Kris was an alien.
———
When Asriel was fourteen, he caught Kris awkwardly dancing around their room to whatever music was playing over their music.
They were wearing his hand-me-downs, and had their eyes shut. They were doing some strange air guitar motion when they opened their eyes, spotting him standing in the doorway. He laughed at them, calling them incredibly weird. He ignored the fact that he was the same way, simply just hid it better.
Kris stared down at their feet, rubbing them together awkwardly. Their hair was still short then, their mother not quite having given into their pleads of letting it grow out. They toyed with the longer bits towards the top as they spoke, “…waddyu want?” Asriel could hear their soft lisp slipping through, the one they were still in speech therapy for by this point.
He snickered as he walked over to his bed, taking the jacket that was thrown over it. They shifted their feet again, the pink of their socks being a contrasting pop of color against the gray sweatshirt and worn jeans, rolled up to be walkable. They seemed to slip their fingers away into the sleeves, almost hiding something. However, when they inevitably moved to adjust the horns on their head, he caught a glimpse at the secret. “Did you paint your nails?”
Kris all but squeaked, and hid their hands in their sleeves, and their face in their hood. They shifted away from him, muttering into the fabric. “Please don’t tell Dad. He wants to take me hunting with him and Rudy, and I kinda really super want to. But he wouldn’t take me if he knew. Please, Azzy.”
Asriel wrapped the jacket around his arm as he spoke, “pretty sure Dess has some acetone when you need it.” Kris slipped their hands out from their sleeves at his words, an unspoken understanding between the two. Asriel wasn’t good at lying, but there was a desperation to try. At least for Kris.
They unburied their face from the hood, taking in what he looked like. Once the relief left their face, it left behind confusion in its wake. “Where’re you going?” Asriel glared at Kris, silently communicating that he was doing something he was absolutely not supposed to do. Kris grinned in response.
———
When Asriel was fifteen, he got high with Dess for the first time.
In all honesty, it was a bad idea. Kris and Noelle were just down the hall, messing around with each other in ways only they understood. She was mocking him for his taste in music, saying Religious Ska was a disgrace to the instruments played. Asriel ignored her words, too distracted by how passionate she looked. She was ranting about things he had no idea what meant, but the LED lights that lined her room created a halo around her. And really, that was all Asriel cared about.
Despite how angry she was attempting to make herself, he felt her hand running through his hair. A couple of times she messed up his glasses, leaving them just slightly askew, and it blurred his vision to a slight degree. He felt lighter than air, staring up at her.
Suddenly, he heard the door creak open. His eyes went wide as he watched a small amount of light flood into the room, and he felt Dess tense up from under his head. Now creating a shadow in the light, stood a small figure in a dress. Before he or Dess could shout at Noelle, the dressed silhouette began to speak, “Azzy, Mom’s here. Get the stink off. I can smell it from here.”
Focusing his eyes, he could more clearly see that the figure standing in the doorway was in fact, not Noelle, but rather his baby sibling. In a dress. “What are you wearing.” Asriel slowly blinked at them, brain not quite catching up with the scene in front of him.
Kris rubbed their ankle with their foot and turned away. “…Elly wanted me to play the princess. What are you doing?” They turned back to him, squinting. It was a poor attempt at a glare, or maybe an inconspicuous look. Either way, they looked stupid.
Asriel snorted, “tryna figure out what you’re doing with your face.”
Kris very quickly ran out of the room, shutting the door behind them. Asriel could hear their feet pitter-pattering across the hallway’s rug as they ran back to Noelle’s room. Honestly, if it wasn’t for their current choice of outfit, he’d be scared they were gonna snitch. But hey, now he had blackmail against them in the case they decided to do so.
The dress seemed to linger in his mind, though. Yeah, sure, Kris always dressed however they wanted to, despite their father’s complaints, but it had never really gone further than a pink undershirt beneath a sweater for church. This, though? This was new. And until it was commented on, they seemed comfortable. Asriel added that to his “Kris Is Weird” list.
———
When Asriel was sixteen, Dess disappeared.
He didn’t quite know what happened, Kris had yet to speak. Sure, they were a quiet kid, never really spoke much outside of their family, but whatever happened out there seemed to have cursed them into silence. They had a haunted look on their face, and couldn’t look anyone in the eye.
The doctors had said it was likely memories being trauma blocked out, and that’s why all of their drawings were of black cats and trees. They had recommended medication to their mother, but she refused. Ever since hearing her refusal, ever since knowing she wasn’t going to tell Kris that there was something wrong with them, he couldn’t help but stare mournfully at them.
At some point, he came into their shared room and caught them toying with the horn headband on their head. They seemed to be staring off into the distance, glaring at the gap between their bed and the wall. Really, the only thing that let Asriel know they were alive were the fingers scratching at the plastic on their head.
He still feels guilty about what he said. “Aren’t you getting a little old for those? Just ‘cause Dess isn’t aging anymore, doesn’t mean you aren’t.”
He was glaring at them as he scorned, watching as the hand retracted from the horns. Words pushed by anger and fear, taking the fire that was burning inside of him out on his baby sibling. The fire that was really burning towards his mother for keeping Kris in the dark, towards the doctors who seemed to be looking at his parents pitifully, towards Dess for dragging them out in the first place.
He hadn’t really meant what he said, but he wouldn’t apologize. Not even when he was the first person Kris would look at in the eyes for days. Not even when he’d find the horns in the trash can an hour later, throwing away his water bottle. Not even when he heard Kris crying themself to sleep, the first noise they’d made since everything.
———
Asriel was seventeen when his father got politely removed from the police force.
He could hear his parents arguing as he emailed teachers for letters of recommendations. Kris was absent from their side of the room, likely sitting on the stairs, listening to their parents. They had apparently either broken or accidentally vandalized something, and their father was refusing to put them through all of the steps any other “suspect” would have to go through. He told Carol that he would just punish them at home, that they were still a child and needed a grounding, not legal trouble. Carol said that was his last warning, and kicked him out.
The shouting match was getting progressively louder as Asriel shut off his computer, groaning at the display of marital love he was so lucky to be displayed. Suddenly, it all seemed to stop. The shouting abruptly ended, and he hoped it wasn’t for Kris getting caught.
Speaking of the devil, Kris then walked through the door, closing it in a specific way, forcing it to be soundless. Asriel nearly asked before they started speaking, “no, I wasn’t caught. Mom asked Dad for a divorce. Don’t think they knew I was there.” They were having a staring contest with the door handle, not yet turning to him.
“Jeez, man,” was all Asriel could manage to get out.
Finally, Kris broke eye contact with their warped reflection to look at him. They hadn’t quite grown out of their big eyes, and he wasn’t sure they ever would. They looked at him like a kicked puppy, and it felt like they hadn’t aged a day since that July evening. Asriel moved his laptop to his nightstand as he opened his blanket to them, something they hadn’t done since they were little, little kids.
Kris climbed into his bed, hiding their face from him. It felt so weird, seeing them grown up. Despite the fact that they were so much older now, any and all small children running with a coat on would throw him for a loop, confusing him with his own sibling. Despite the fact that they could actually think for themself now, and began to understand everything around them, they were still his baby.
“Az, can I tell you something?” They hadn’t quite pulled their face from his pajama shirt, their voice muffled. They waited for his noise of conformation before continuing. “I, uh. I don’t think I’m actually a boy.”
Asriel laughed and ran a paw through their hair. “Yeah, I know.”
Kris unburied themself from his chest, throwing him a slack-jawed look. They looked a mix of both angry and confused, and Asriel found himself laughing at them. “What do you mean ‘you know’. What. Do you mean. ‘You know’.”
“I dunno man, I just figured it out. Little obvious, I guess.” Asriel shrugged while Kris continued to glare at him. What, like they were hiding it?
Kris began to rapidly shake their head, pulling away from him, lying on their back. “No, no. I like, just figured this out. Like, two weeks ago. There’s no ‘obvious’ how did you know?”
Asriel just laughed, laughed like it was the funniest joke in the world. Did they seriously think that they were a boy? Sure, they’d go hunting with their father and Rudy, but other than that they were pretty fluid in how they represented themself. Asriel wanted to say it was some magical older sibling intuition he had, something that gave him the signs early on, but really, Kris was just stupid. “My stupid baby brother. Figuring this out late. Not brother. Whatever.”
“Sibling. Sibling works.” Kris fiddled with their thumbs as the spoke, avoiding eye contact out of embarrassment.
“Yeah. Sibling.”
———
Asriel was eighteen when Kris officially came out.
Their father was in the process of moving out at the time, and Asriel had to take a gap year to make some more money for college. Kris was turning fifteen next week, and they wanted to tell their parents before then. Asriel joked that they were cutting it close, before being met with a kick to his side.
There were American flags outside their house, hanging high in the wind. Asriel watched its fabric whip around as Kris worked up their courage. They’d been rehearsing this all week, and he could see their eyes shifting their attention between their parents and their hands. They were picking at the skin around their nails as their mother spoke, “Kris, sweetheart, you wanted to speak with us?”
Asriel looked at Kris, who was now staring intently at the table, as though it could speak for them. Their hands were now buried in their lap as they squirmed away from everyone’s gazes, attempting to shrink into themself.
“Um. I, uh. I don’t, uh. Think I’m a boy.” They glanced up at their parents, eyes shifting between them. Both of them looked lost before they began to speak again, “I—don’t. I know I’m not a boy. I, um. Am not sure I’m anything. Sorry, this is really really awkward. I, like, don’t know how to explain any of this. I’m sorry. I’m like—not a girl either? I dunno. I know this makes no sense. Sorry.”
Their father seemed to just confusingly nod while their mother spoke, “…okay.” They both had blank expressions, trying to figure out whatever the hell their kid was saying. Their father coughed out something about retreating outside, while their mother disappeared upstairs.
Once they were both gone, it only left Kris and Asriel. Kris turned to him, making a joking choking action, as he laughed. Kris began to slink down into their seat, as Asriel rubbed their arm in reassurance.
———
Asriel was twenty when he came home for Christmas.
The church had everyone standing in a circle, holding candles for silent night. Asriel and Kris were attempting to light each other on fire as the song dragged on, attempting to hide their snickering from their mother. Which was incredibly hard, considering they had to sing.
The girl Kris brought along with them, Susie or something, seemed to be about Asriel’s height. She was funny, and Kris seemed totally enamored by her. Every time she spoke, he watched as they grinned from ear to ear at the sound of her voice.
If he was being totally honest, it was kinda cute. Both of them were incredibly dorky, and total nerds. Kris shot her that stupid half smile they’d do, when they didn’t know how to express that they cared. Asriel hoped she picked up on it.
Kris played piano for the church for the first time in years. Said it was really for her.
Kris joked around with him like normal, and it felt so refreshing. He hadn’t quite realized just how much he missed them, before coming home. He let them drive his car around, and found out that they actually weren’t that bad. He still gripped onto the roof handle the whole ride.
They wore a blouse for the family Christmas party, and seemed to be the most comfortable he’d ever seen them. Some extended family threw confused glances at them, but they simply shrugged it off. Their hair was longer now, and they wore it in a ponytail. All in all, they looked rather nice. Asriel had never seen them look comfortable in dressy attire, but for once they seemed okay. And that made him okay, too.