Work Text:
"-not to mention that Bat-brain's job is fucking simple compared to literally everyone else!" Booster hesitates on the threshold of the common area of the J.L.A. headquarters. Not just because Guy's being, well, Guy, but because Guy's latest rant seems to somehow make even less sense than usual.
History had never been Booster's best subject in school, but he'd been obsessed enough with super-history as a kid to know a bit about what his city had been like back... now. Gotham in the 20th and 21st centuries had been one of the worst cities in the U.S. by a ton of metrics, everyone knew that. It was infamous, like - like Detroit or Moonbase 2. Guy's talking out of his ass, obviously. That's nothing new. It just wasn't usually this nonsensical.
"What on earth is Guy on about now?" Booster asks Ted, who had been the unfortunate focus of Guy's rant. Ted's massive grimace manages to speak volumes.
"Guy's on his batshit again," Ted says.
"It's NOT batshit," Guy snaps. "It's not bullshit neither. Look, you're based in, what, Chicago?"
"I'm not based in Chicago like Batman's based in Gotham," Ted says.
"Whatever. You're in Chicago, Captain Whitebread's in Fawcett City, I've got the whole damn sector and also, y'know, Baltimore I guess."
"Why Baltimore?" Booster says.
"Because I live there," Guy says. "The point is, you know what nobody else has, not even the goddamn Martian?" Booster shrugs. "What no one else has - not a single super in the entire goddamn universe - is one of the richest assholes in the country making his so-called heroics absolutely irrelevant."
"Oh my God," Dinah whispers. J'onn actually turns away from the monitors, which is a big show of emotion coming from him. Booster's too busy bluescreening to say anything stupid, thankfully, because Ted and Scott aren't reacting at all. Once he has a chance to remember the time period, Booster understands why.
Bruce Wayne being a philanthropist and a billionaire and the first Batman is just, like, a historical fact. George Washington was the first president, the Dominators caused an explosion in metahuman powers, literally, in 1989, and Bruce Wayne was the Batman, the original Batman. That didn't get revealed to the public until after the third Batman was turned into a mind-worm in the 2090s, but Booster had assumed that the J.L.A. had known about it.
Apparently not. Apart from Black Canary, who's trying desperately to stifle a grin, and J'onn, who's telepathically pressing just how important not blurting out Batman's secret identity is into Booster's brain.
Booster tries to send back the impression of a thumb's up. He can't tell if it works on J'onn, but the telepathy backs off so it's probably fine.
"Oh my God," Dinah says again, louder this time. "Please tell us more, Guy."
"Seriously???" Ted groans.
"You do realize you're just encouraging him," Scott mutters at Dinah.
"I am completely aware of what I'm doing, Scott," Dinah says, "and what I want to do is get more info on just what Guy thinks makes Gotham easy territory. I started out there, you know."
"If you started out there, you're just as much of a pussy as Bats," Guy says.
"Hey, I'm in Star City now," Dinah says.
"Well, that's more legit than Gotham at least," Guy grumbles. Dinah's grin grows wider. "But, seriously, Gotham's a shithole, but it's a shithole with the best social system in the goddamn nation. And that's not because of fucking Batman, that's because of Wayne sinking his stupidly large fortune into a lost cause."
"And you approve of that? You, Rambozo the Reagan-lover?" Dinah says.
"Sweetheart, I contain multitudes," Guy says. "Besides, Wayne's trickle-down economics in action. He's the exact kind of guy that Reaganomics will make more of."
"Oh, good, he's still delusional," Scott says. "I was starting to worry."
"Shut the fuck up, Scott," Guy snaps. "It's men - and I mean men! - like Reagan who allow you to live your comfy little suburban life."
"But you literally said that no one else is doing what Wayne does," Dinah says. Then she shoots a look a J'onn, which means that, yeah, Booster wasn't the only one getting telepathed about Batman's secret identity and, no, Dinah's not going to stop needling Guy. "Doesn't that say something interesting about your trickle-down theory?"
"The difference is that Wayne's got enough brains to hire people who know what they're doing," Guy says. "Seriously, have you ever looked into Gotham's post-prison reentry system? It's a work of art. Now, obviously Wayne's too fucking stupid to take all the credit there, but that shit doesn't just take smarts, it takes money. And the dude obviously cares enough about results to hire the top dogs in the field and at least try out the latest theories. Gotham's basically ground zero for what every city in the country should be doing."
"Why the hell are you so into this anyways?" Ted says. "I mean, you're not exactly the most, uh, socially aware guy, Guy."
"I'm plenty socially aware!" Guy says. No one, not even J'onn, can keep the blatant skepticism at bay, and Guy glowers. "Seriously, I used to be a social worker before... well, long story. Worked with prisoners and special needs kids - not at the same time, obviously. Hell, I was considering moving to Gotham for the pay raise and the actual competency before the Corps came calling."
"Oh my God," Dinah says yet again. "It's such a good thing that I have actual beliefs. If I didn't, I'd be in danger of hating social workers just because you're you."
"Shut the fuck up, Dinah," Guy says. Dinah does not shut the fuck up, and Booster can't even blame her. This is gold.
"So, you've got a crush on Wayne-"
"I do not!"
"-because of his surprisingly competent support of Gotham's social systems. And you hate Batman because..."
"Because he's an asshole," Guy says.
"Well, I can't argue with that," Ted says.
"And because he acts all high and mighty when he's the least necessary hero in the fucking universe. 'Ooo, look at me, I'm so tough and scary, I only have the best post-prison reentry system in the nation and more money than God backing my city. Fear me, Gotham's soooo fucked, no I won't give credit to the asshole bankrolling the joint.' Like, seriously, fuck all the way off."
"What on Earth are you even talking about, Gardner?" Booster jumps so hard that he accidentally engages his boots and hangs a foot in the air. Somehow, somehow, Batman had snuck up behind him so quietly that he hadn't even noticed. Batman gives Booster a judgmental look, and Booster sheepishly lowers himself back to the ground.
"Nothing serious, Batsy," Ted says. "Guy's just mouthing off again. The rest of us don't think you're a pussy." Batman grunts and pushes past Booster, heading towards the monitor station. Scott face-palms.
"Seriously, Beetle?" Scott says.
"More importantly," Dinah butts in, "Guy's telling us all about how cool he thinks Bruce Wayne is." That actually gets Batman to stop in his tracks.
"What?" he says, voice carefully flat.
"I know," Dinah says, delighted.
"Bruce Wayne is an idiot," Batman says. And then, "No, Dinah."
"Oh, come on, please," Dinah says.
"Bruce Wayne might be an idiot," Guy snaps, "but he's done more for Gotham than your egotistical, dramatic-"
"Said the pot to the kettle," Scott mutters to Ted.
"-self-aggrandizing, self-satisfied, DUMB fucking ASS!" Guy's practically spitting by the time he finishes. Dinah's making puppy eyes at Batman, clearly trying to get permission to spill the beans on his secret identity. Batman is glaring at her, clearly unwilling to budge. "Hey, asshole, I'm talking to you!"
"You're certainly entitled to your opinion, Gardner," Batman says. "Personally, I wouldn't give Wayne much credit. He's a moron with money and frankly embarrassing levels of liberal guilt."
"And you're a moron with no money who dresses up like a bat and solves all his problems with brain damage. You think you do half as much for your so-called city?" Gardner says.
"This discussion is over," Batman says.
<Oh my God, he's gonna let Guy keep thinking they're separate people,> Booster flings in J'onn's general direction.
<It is an interesting strategy,> J'onn sends back. And then, <Batman says that Guy's reaction will be more amusing if he keeps praising Wayne in the mistaken belief that it gets under Batman's skin, so to speak, for a longer period of time before realizing who he is talking to.>
<Huh,> Booster thinks, <I can't argue with that logic.> Judging by the general impression of amusement coming from the Martian, J'onn agrees.