Work Text:
“Alright Aveline, I’m here,” Hawke greeted as he approached, yawning since it was still early. He’d had to enter the mall from a back door that aveline had left unlocked since the mall wasn’t quite open yet. Seriously, who was even awake at 8:30am? “What do you need help with?”
Aveline looked busy setting up some Christmas display, but when she turned and saw Hawke, she immediately went to grab a black duffle bag and toss it to Hawke.
“Put this on.”
Hawke caught the bag and looked down at it, then back at Aveline who had gone right back to what she was doing before.
“What?”
“It’s a Santa costume,” Aveline explained, unpacking some display presents. “The Kirkwall Mall hosts pictures with Santa every year, the viscount used to play Santa, but now that he’s dead we need someone else to do it. Since you’re the champion now, that duty now falls to you.”
“So the viscount would just sit around being Santa every year? I guess that explains why nothing ever got done around Christmas…” Hawke commented as he looked at the costume inside the bag.
Aveline sighed. “Trust me, I know. Every year I would try to argue that this wasn’t the best use of the city’s resources, but then everyone would tell me that there would be riots if we didn’t have Santa.”
“Well it is Kirkwall,” Hawke shrugged. “The people here will get violent over anything. Did you hear about the person who got stabbed on Black Friday?”
“Which one?” Aveline deadpanned. “There were seven reported stabbings this year during Black Friday sales.”
“Better make that eight,” Hawke corrected, with a laugh that only made Aveline look concerned. “I got stabbed by some looney but I never reported it because I brought Anders along in case something like that happened, so he just healed it.”
Pinching the bridge of her nose, Aveline shook her head. “Just get changed, will you? The mall opens in thirty minutes and I need to finish setting this up, then I’ll get ready too.”
“Aw, are you going to be Mrs. Claus?” Hawke teased affectionately, leaning closer and batting his eyelashes. “Aveline that’s sweet but you don’t want to make Donnic jealous-“
“I’m going to be your ‘helper.’” Aveline corrected and pushed Hawke away. “I would have had someone else do it, but frankly I don’t trust that anyone else will be able to keep you in check.”
Hawke laughed, it made a lot more sense that Aveline was just trying to keep him out of trouble, since he got into trouble pretty constantly. “Yeah that’s fair. But what do you mean by ‘helper?’”
“We used to say elf but then someone pointed out that makes Santa seem like a slaver,” Aveline explained.
“Yikes,” Hawke cringed. “Yeah, not a good look.”
“Exactly, now get changed and let’s get started.”
Hawke just waved to let her know that he was on it. The Santa costume fit pretty well, and it just went on over his normal clothes which was convenient. The fake beard felt a little awkward over Hawke’s real beard, but he was able to hide most of the black hair by checking his reflection in one of the mall’s windows, then double checking with his phone’s camera.
Aveline kept setting up, making sure the set looked like a real winter wonderland and the camera for photos was all set up as well. Right before the mall doors opened, she took off her jacket to reveal that she was already wearing a cute little festive outfit, complete with a hat that she put on too.
“I-”
“Not one word out of character,” Aveline threatened. “People are coming in now.”
Clearly she had planned everything out so that Hawke wouldn’t have time to make fun of her ‘Santa’s Helper’ outfit, because as soon as the doors opened there was a line forming and Aveline started doing crowd control to make sure there was no pushing and that a proper line was formed, then she returned to the front of the line and moved the velvet stanchion rope to let the first family approach to take a picture.
It was pretty easy at first, asking kids what they want for Christmas, smiling for pictures, giving a good “ho, ho, ho,” when appropriate. But as they got through the first few groups, Hawke began to notice that it wasn’t just kids and families in line.
“Psst!” Hawke called over Aveline for a second in between photos. “Is it just me or are there a bunch of adults in line by themselves. Are they all going to ask for something as well?”
Aveline sighed. “Most likely. I know it’s a tradition in Kirkwall for people to visit Santa, but there are definitely a lot of adults. I think that since Kirkwall is such a mess right now, people are desperate enough to try anything, even asking Santa.”
“Makes sense,” Hawke looked back over at the line again. “I mean, they’re usually asking me for help and you have to be pretty desperate to do that.”
“Exactly. Now, let’s get back on track before people get antsy.”
A few more people came up to visit Santa, some in groups and some by themselves. Then Hawke spotted Merrill coming up next in line.
“Merrill?” He asked, as she was led over by Aveline.
Merrill gasped. “Oh my, you know my name? I suppose Varric was right, Santa does know everyone. Though I do still think that watching us while we sleep and knowing when we wake is a little disturbing.”
“Uuuuuuhhhhhhhh….” Hawke looked over at Aveline, but she just furrowed her brow and shook her head. “Y-yes! Well I only watch to make sure I know who’s being naughty and nice… But anyway Merrill, why don’t you come over and tell me what you want for Christmas!”
“You don’t know already?” Merrill asked as she came over to sit in Hawke’s lap. “I sent you a letter like Varric told me to. Maybe it got intercepted by bandits, there’s a lot of those here. I’ll ask Hawke to help out with that, but I actually wanted to ask you something.”
“What would you like to know?”
“Well, I was just curious,” She began, “how do you get around Thedas in one night? Is it magic? Are you an apostate? Because I’ve never heard of that kind of magic before. Is it blood magic?”
“Merrill, Merrill, Merrill,” Hawke waved his hand to get her to slow down a little. She was so adorable when rambling, but unfortunately she was holding up the line and Hawke could see the toddler in the next group fidgeting in a way that made it clear he had to go to the bathroom. Hopefully he’d be able to hold it until after he was off of Santa’s lap.
“Oh, sorry! I was rambling again, wasn’t I?” Merrill looked embarrassed, and… oh but look at those big eyes and her cute little smile. Hawke just wanted to hug her and shower her in kisses. It was just impossible to be upset with Merrill, even if she got him peed on.
Hawke shook his head. “No, no! You’re perfectly fine, but unfortunately I can’t answer those questions or it would ruin the mystery.” He winked at her and Merrill just giggled.
“Oh yes, you have a point, all the best stories have an element of mystery, I suppose. And if you are a mage then you'd have to keep it secret or they’d send you to the Circle, and that would ruin Christmas. But just in case I can’t get my letter to you, for Christmas I’d like my eluvian to work again, and perhaps to rediscover the lost history of my people.”
“Well, um-”
Aveline interrupted by waving them to look at the camera. “Alright, just say ‘Merry Christmas!’"
“Merry Chirstmas!” Merrill chirped with a smile while they took the photo.
She was then given a copy of the photo and ushered out by Aveline, who sighed when she turned back to Hawke.
“Well that was something,” Aveline shook her head. “If someone asks for something like the restoration of lost elven magic, just try to be noncommittal.”
Hawke gave her a thumbs up, and they continued on… unfortunately to the family with the toddler doing the potty dance. Great…
The kid did pee himself, but thankfully it was after he had gotten off of Hawke’s lap, so they didn't need to take a break to wash the Santa pants or anything. Which was good because the line seemed to be out the door and not letting up anytime soon.
After about half an hour, and lots of visitors, which strangely enough included a bunch of the merchants that Hawke would buy things from, like Lady Elegant, Tomwise, and Worthy, Hawke spotted Varric being let through.
“Well, well, Santa,” Varric shook his head with a little monologue. “We meet again- wait, Hawke?”
“Shhhhhhhh!” Hawke immediately shushed him. “I’m Santa right now. Ho! Ho! Ho!”
Varric snorted as he took his seat in Hawke’s lap. “You certainly do know a lot about hoes, if those rumors I heard at the Rose are true.”
“Heard or started?” Hawke asked.
“Six of one, half-dozen of another,” Varric shrugged. “Anyway, I’m sure you’re busy, and I’m just here for a laugh, so let’s take a picture and I’ll be on my way.”
“Then let’s get this over with,” Aveline frowned. “Say ‘Merry Christmas!’"
“Merry Christmas!” Hawke and Varric said in unison.
They snapped the picture and Varric hopped off of Hawke’s lap with a laugh, taking his copy of the photo. “I’ll see you at the Hanged Man later, ‘Santa.’”
More families showed up, including Sabina from the Rose and her little brat. There was a whole pack of about 10 Ferelden kids with their ‘mother’ who looked very much like she was hiding from something, but Hawke didn’t question it.
Isabela was the next friend who stopped by, smirking as she walked over with swaying hips and plopped down in Hawke’s lap.
“Hey there Santa, you’re looking awfully cute this year, and your lap is particularly comfortable,” she winked at him and Hawke chuckled in response, placing his hand on her thigh and leaning in to say something fun and flirty, but unable to say anything before getting interrupted.
“And you should know. It’s far from the only lap you’ve sat in this year,” Aveline rolled her eyes, looking very unamused.
Isabela looked over her shoulder, pretending to finally notice Aveline’s presence. “You know Aveline, maybe we should take your photo next to commemorate that adorable outfit. The red hair and green hat is so festive, but I think you could use a red nose too since you’ll be pulling the sleigh, or will you just be throwing the reindeer over your head to send them flying?”
Wrinkling her nose, Aveline snorted and mumbled under her breath. “Whore.”
“Prig.”
“Slattern.”
“So Isabela!” Hawke interrupted, trying to diffuse the tension before they started a fight. “What do you want for Christmas?”
Turning her attention back to Hawke, Isabela went to lean against his shoulder, pushing her chest out a bit to distract him. “Well, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that I’ve been awfully naughty this year. Maybe what I need is is a big, hot-”
Aveline cleared her throat loudly to stop Isabela before she could finish their thought. “Keep it family friendly, would you? There are kids here.”
“I was just going to ask for a big cup of hot chocolate,” Isabela smirked with mock innocence. “Maybe you should ask Santa for a sense of humor this year, big girl.”
“Just ask Santa to cure your STD of the month and get out,” Aveline huffed, as she positioned the camera.
“What happened to ‘family friendly?’”
Hawke pointed to the camera and smiled, trying to distract them both. “Say ‘Merry Christmas!’" he announced, and Aveline took the picture.
Isabela gave Hawke a kiss on the cheek and waved as she made her way out with the picture, and Hawke resisted the urge to wolf whistle as he watched her leave. When she was out of sight Hawke was a little disappointed, but Aveline visibly untensed and took a breath of relief.
More visitors came after Isabela, including Hubert who asked for more help with the Bone Pit, and Brennan along with some of the other guards. Aveline had looked a little exasperated and embarrassed as she had to take pictures of her own men on Hawke’s lap, but it was all in good fun.
Then Hawke was allowed a short break to go to the bathroom and get some water. When he came back Aveline brought up the next person, someone very easy to recognize given how he stood out among the crowd.
“Fenris!” Hawke called out, excited to see his friend.
“I- oh. Hawke, is that you?” Fenris asked, frowning in confusion.
“Actually it’s Santa today,” Hawke explained and Fenris nodded, still frowning but switching to his neutral frown. “What’s up? I’m surprised to see you here.”
“I was told this is part of Kirkwall tradition. But it seems to mostly be for children,” Fenris explained, looking around at all the kids waiting in line.
“Don’t worry, we’ve had plenty of adults too, you are not the only one,” Hawke assured him. “So come on over and take a seat on Santa’s lap!”
“... What?”
“It’s just part of the tradition, come over,” Hawke motioned for Fenris to walk closer, then he patted his lap.
Fenris just stared for a second, then awkwardly took a seat on Hawke’s knee, though not quite resting his entire body weight on him, as if he was staying ready to get up and run away at any moment.
“Now,” Hawke explained, “you tell Santa what you want for Christmas and we take a picture. So what do you want for Christmas, Fenris?”
“What do I want?” Fenris looked at him, his brow furrowed and voice going all growly and sexy. “I want Danarius dead. I want to see the Imperium burn. I want my life back.”
Hawke just bit his lip as he realized that he maybe should have given more direction if he wanted a straightforward answer. “...It’s usually stuff like a toy or something... But ok... Let’s just take the picture.”
“Say ‘Merry Christmas!’" Aveline told them as she stood behind the camera.
“... Merry Chirstmas…” Fenris repeated, still not quite smiling as they took a picture. Hawke would check in on him later. He could probably get Fenris to smile after some spiked eggnog and a kiss under the mistletoe. Or maybe a well timed joke about killing slavers, Fenris always enjoyed that.
The next round of visitors included Corff who had a break from the Hanged Man to ask for less people to die in his pub, which unfortunately was not something Hawke could deliver on. Samson came by too, clearly looking for some information on underground lyrium trade. Even a Tal-Vashoth mercenary that Hawke thought he’d seen hanging around showed up.
“Man, is everyone in Kirkwall standing in this line?” Hawke asked Aveline as he took a sip of water.
“They might be. There’s certainly more than last year, but like I said, it’s a big tradition in Kirkwall. People would riot without Santa, remember?”
“I kinda thought you were exaggerating.”
“I wish. But why are you so surprised anyway?” She asked. “You came to visit Santa last year. Don’t you remember?”
“I did?” Hawke looked shocked, then paused and tried to remember. “Wait- actually… hang on, was I drunk during that?”
“Very,” Aveline frowned. “You asked for a ‘red lyrium dildo’ and then laughed so hard that you vomited."
“Yeah, that sounds like me,” Hawke nodded. “Well, if we have to get through everyone, then we better keep going!”
Aveline kept people coming, never pausing for a moment, even when she recognized people, or perhaps she was actively trying to pretend that she didn’t recognize anyone. Jethann stopped by and whispered something dirty in Hawke’s ear, which had been a fun break from the monotony. Keran and Macha visited as well, with some other templars following them, though Cullen and Meredith were notably absent. Maybe Santa was a little too magical and made them nervous, even if he wasn’t real.
After dealing with a bunch of very weirdly disguised visitors who might have been blood mages, Hawke noticed another friend in the crowd and brightened.
“Seabstian!” Hawke smiled, patting his lap for Sebastian to sit down, hoping that this would be the first of many times that Sebastian sat on his lap. Maybe if Hawke could convince the Maker to grant him a Christmas miracle he’d get a kiss under the mistletoe…
“Hello Santa,” Sebastian sat down on his lap and smiled. “It’s very nice of you to do this for the people of Kirkwall, I know they take Santa very seriously here.”
“What can I say, I’m a giver,” Hawke shrugged, trying to play it humble but flirty. “But I’m surprised to see you here. I thought you’d be celebrating the religious side of Christmas instead of visiting Santa.”
Sebastian chuckled. “I can appreciate both sides of Christmas. The holiday is important to the Chantry, but the Maker does not send people to the void for indulging in a little childish whimsy.”
“Fair enough,” Hawke agreed. “What would you like for Christmas, Sebastian?”
“Nothing material, but I would like world peace.”
Hawke raised a brow at him. “If that’s what you want then why are you friends with me-“
“Say ‘Merry Christmas!’" Aveline interrupted, printing Hawke and Sebastian to smile while she took a photo.
Sebastian took his photo and went happily on his way, probably back to the chantry to go serve hot cocoa to the poor or whatever it was that Elthina had him doing.
Aveline turned back to Hawke as Sebastian walked away. “Can you please try not to say anything that will piss people off for one day?”
“I can try, but we both know that I won’t succeed.”
Shaking her head, but seemingly conceding to his point, Aveline went to bring in the next visitors. More families came, and a couple of the other Chantry sisters came by too, but unsurprisingly the grand cleric herself stayed home.
“Wait-” Hawke paused while looking ahead. “Is that Bethany and Carver? Aveline, bring them up next!”
“They can’t skip the line,” Aveline insisted, and rolled her eyes when Hawke pouted.
By the time the twins were at the front of the line, Hawke was ready to jump out of his chair.
“Merry Christmas you two! Come here!” He pulled them both in for a big hug that made Bethany laugh and Carver groan. “Aw, it’s so cute that you two came to see Santa together!”
“We had wanted to invite you as well, but we couldn’t reach you. It makes sense now though why you weren’t able to answer the phone.” Bethany told him.
“Speaking of which,” Carver frowned and turned to Hawke. “Why are you doing all this?”
Hawke shook his head as if it was obvious. “This is very important champion business Carver-”
Carver huffed and rolled his eyes. “Right. Seems important.”
“Don’t be tit,” Hawke scolded him, using his best Santa voice, “or you’ll be put on the naughty list young man. Ho! Ho! Ho!”
“What about me?” Bethany asked.
“You’ll be on the nice list, just like you are every year, Bethy.”
Bethany giggled but Carver was still looking pissed for whatever reason. It was probably just jealousy because he wasn’t important enough to be asked to play Santa.
“That's a load of nug crap!” Carver argued, getting louder and not lowering his voice when Hawke tried to motion for him to. “You don’t decide who’s naughty and nice! You’re not Santa! Santa’s not even real!”
He was practically yelling by the end, so it wasn’t surprising that a bunch of shocked gasps started coming from the crowd, quickly followed by the sounds of crying children and outraged parents.
Aveline pinched the bridge of her nose. “Maker, it’s always something… ok, let’s just take the photo so we can fix this.”
Hakwe grabbed Carver to pull him in close so they could take a little family photo, then Aveline passed the printed photo to Bethany, glaring at Carver while doing so, but at least Carver had the decency to look a little ashamed of the fact that he had just ruined the magic of Christmas for a bunch of kids.
It took some time, but Aveline was able to calm everyone down, occasionally motioning for Hawke to do something Santa-esque to convince the kids, like saying “ho, ho, ho” or eating a cookie. After everything settled down, it was back to business as usual, and Hawke was visited by even more citizens of Kirkwall as the day just kept dragging on.
Hawke could feel his eyes growing heavy, but the line was finally starting to shrink, which meant that they were getting close to being done. He kept himself going until they finally reached the end of the line.
“And our final visitor of the day,” Aveline waved over the final person… Anders.
“Anders!” Hawke greeted, glad that his night would at least end on a high note with his final visitor being a friend. “You came to see Santa?”
“What? I’m not allowed to be fun and whimsical?” Anders responded. “I can only be the harbinger of Justice?”
Hawke narrowed his eyes as he thought about it. “Welll…..”
Anders just laughed lightly and walked over to sit in Hawke’s lap. “To be honest the Circle didn’t have Santa or presents at Christmas, so now I’m celebrating out of spite.”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Hawke nodded. “So what do you want for Christmas?”
“I know it’s usually something you give to bad kids because they don’t want it, but can I get coal?”
“You want coal?” Hawke asked to clarify.
Anders nodded. “I’m just… trying to keep warm… to keep all of Kirkwall warm…”
That sounded suspicious, but Hawke had taken weirder requests, so he just shrugged. “Alright, sure. Coal it is! Now let’s take a picture and then maybe we can get a drink at the Hanged Man.”
“I think they’re closed right now. You know it’s past 4:00am, right?”
“Really?” Hawke asked and Anders nodded, then Aveline nodded slowly and sleepily. “That explains why I’m so tired I guess. Of course, if properly motivated I probably have the energy for like thirty minutes to an hour of physical activity-”
“Stop flirting and just say ‘Merry Christmas,’ so that we can go home," Aveline groaned.
“Right. Merry Christmas!" Hawke smiled at the camera with Anders on his lap for the final photo of the day.
Aveline looked relieved when she printed the photo and handed it to Anders. “Now, give me the Santa suit so that I can go home.”
“You don’t want to go home now? I can just bring you the suit tomorrow.”
“Hawke, that costume belongs to the city of Kirkwall, and I swear to the Maker if I let you keep that suit and you have sex in it, I will wring your neck like a-”
“You know what, I’ve still got my clothes on, so let me just take it off now!” Hawke immediately went to undo the coat and rid himself of the Santa suit. Sure getting laid as Santa was enticing, but definitely not worth the danger.
Aveline shoved the suit back into the duffle bag it had originally come from, then waved as she left.
Hawke yawned and stretched, turning back to his other friend. “So, Anders, you wanted help keeping warm…?”
Anders laughed. “I actually have to go back to the clinic, I should be opening in just an hour or so. But Merry Christmas Hawke.” He gave Hawke a quick peck on the cheek, then went on his way, and Hawke was left alone to walk sluggishly back to his estate and fall into bed.
It was kinda fun getting to hear what everyone wanted for Christmas, though almost none of his friends mentioned any actual material gifts, so he still had no idea what to buy any of them.
Well, whatever. Getting asked for weird things was part of having weird friends, but Hawke wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. So he fell asleep feeling satisfied with how he spent his day, and with visions of sugar plums and red lyrium dildos dancing in his head.