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If anybody asked him for an explanation, Buck had none.
He looked inside the gift box he was carrying, making sure the mistletoe was safe and looking good, then closed it before leaving the box on the passenger seat, closing the door behind him.
Buck reminded himself to text Maddie only after leaving the city or else, his sister may talk some sense into him and he was tired of it. He was tired of being a functional adult that doesn’t do unpredictable and risky things anymore—he needed some of that edge Buck 1.0 used to have, for a good cause this time.
Last night, around eleven, Eddie had joked about mistletoe during the almost-daily facecall as Christopher had told him the plant had been prohibited at school for the holidays. It would all been laughs and giggles if it wasn’t for the fact that—
“You know,” Eddie yawned, hair still damp from his shower, “actually. I have never kissed anyone under a mistletoe.”
“No one?” He frowned. “No way!”
There was simply no way, the handsomest man in the world was out there near mistletoe and nobody was kissing him? Impossible.
“Seriously!” He smiled. “It’s… okay, I was kind of terrified of it as a teen, so—”
“What, why?” Buck laughed. “Terrified?!”
“There was this girl from church… that every year tried to kiss me with one!” He defended. “I didn’t know her! We weren’t even the same age, she was older! Fuck, I don’t even remember her name!”
“Oh…”
“And she wasn’t the only one! After the first year, other people tried to do the same at school and the church, it was awful!”
“Okay, yeah, that sounds horrible…” He frowned. “Eddie… that’s, that’s—”
“I know.”
They were silent for a little while. Buck swallowed, trying to think of a way to clear up the air and not make Eddie any more uncomfortable—
“So you were really chased down for being pretty…”
“Buck.”
He chuckled. “Sorry, sorry.” He swallowed, trying to ignore the itchy feeling in his throat. “Maybe you need a good experience with a mistletoe to forget that!”
“Yeah?” Eddie said as he got into bed, back on his pillows. “Maybe…” He stretched his neck, Buck’s eyes followed the movement in silence and swallowed as Eddie continued to get comfortable to sleep. “Soph said we should go to mistletoe night this weekend at El Primo’s bar to celebrate she’s single—”
“She finally broke up with the deadbeat?”
“Yeah! Finally!” Eddie’s eyes opened, the annoyance on his face at the thought of his little sister’s ex was amusing. “God, I’m so sorry for that little girl, it’s not her fault, but that man is so—”
“Yeah, yeah, fuck him.”
“So fucking lazy!” He said. “¡Vividor! I don’t even know how Sophia ended up dating him…”
Buck shrugged. “It happens, you know. Sometimes you just kind of date the first shitty man that crosses your path…”
“Oh, you would know that.” Eddie narrowed his eyes.
“Hey!”
“ANYWAY,” Eddie interrupted before Buck could attempt and defend his terrible life choices. “Sophia wants us to go to that bar…” He sighed. “What she wants is to make me flirt with a guy and—”
His brain had stopped listening after that, instead plotting his next move.
Because—
Because Eddie was gay and it had taken him twenty years since his first date to realize, took him a twelve hours trip to El Paso and a screaming match with his mother to start asking himself questions, took him weeks turned months of living alone in a place he could no longer call home or be known to finally open his eyes.
Eddie was gay and his sisters wanted him to date—he wanted to, he wanted to kiss men and flirt with men, and have a drink with men and fuck me—and, and Buck—
Buck couldn’t stand the idea of Eddie doing all that with anyone when he had been there for years, even before he accepted his feelings for his best friend, he had always been there and it…
It should be him.
Selfish, maybe entitled, but it should be him.
The man Eddie kissed and flirted with, and had drinks with and fucked, it should be Buck.
So, he decided to tell no one and fill his jeep’s gas tank, pack a duffle, steal one of the mistletoe someone had brought to the station, and hit the road just like he did years ago, in search of something of his own.
Something that was just for him.
Never Been Kissed (Under the Mistletoe)
That morning, Eddie woke up with the sensation of dreaming.
He sat on his bed with closed eyes, hair a mess, shoulders feeling light for the third day in a row, and didn’t let his feet on the ground until his eyes opened and adjusted to the light.
Slowly, he put his feet on the floor and blinked.
Buck had stopped answering his texts abruptly last night, he reached for his phone and checked his notifications and none of them were from the man.
With a frown, Eddie stood up and looked down at his chat with Buck.
Good morning, he wrote, I think you fell asleep! and there was nothing.
Maybe his friend was more tired than he cared to admit after his shift… maybe Eddie was just overthinking things and Buck simply wanted to get more sleep for the day.
Whatever it was, he had a job and his whole morning routine ahead.
Eddie sighed, going out the bedroom to start his day with the sensation that something was happening, something was changing, on this strange, strange day before Nochebuena.
What the hell was he doing?
Buck frowned as he waited in traffic, a truck had stopped in the middle of the road and the sun was not being kind to the rest of them.
The coffee was gone by midday, he also knew he could not realistically have some more unless he wanted to either die or drive like a maniac and also die. He opted for water, water to cleanse inside and his soul, to calm him down, to give him something to do as he nervously looked at the road and waited.
Eddie had written in the morning, Buck had looked at the notification immediately and stopped himself from answering… What was he gonna tell his friend? Hey so I hit the road without thinking because nobody has kissed you under the mistletoe and also Idon’twantyoutokissanyothermanthatisn’tme, hahaha—
Insane. Even for Evan Buckley.
He swallowed, taking his phone and opening his messages.
The man had sent him something else, he had six messages from him in total and Buck needed to do something about it.
He opened them and read:
Eds
(7:16 AM) Good morning
I think you fell asleep last night!
(9:29 AM) At work and look at this dude I just dropped
[Attached photo of someone in a full cat suit. Tail, ears and all included]
(10:02 AM) Hey, Buck. Are you okay? You’ve been awfully q word, bud
(12:00 PM) I’m gonna call Maddie in half an hour if you don’t answer, so if you just don’t wanna talk to me or something, let me know. I just want to know you’re okay, Buck
Buck swallowed, looking at the hour. Five minutes before Eddie’s cue.
He wrote quickly, hoping it was enough to satisfy his friend and not let him suspect of Buck’s shenanigans for the time being.
Me
(12:26 PM) Hey man! So sorry for the late answer!
i just overslept then got to work in the jeep and lost sense of time but all’s good!!
It was not a surprise when, no less than five minutes later, he got a call.
Buck declined it, quickly typing down:
Me
(12:31 PM) i’m driving, bud
soddy
*sorry
Eds
(12:32 PM) Normal call, maybe?
Buck swallowed, shaking his head before he was the one calling and holding the phone to his ear as the line rolled just a little.
“Hey!” Eddie’s deep voice came off the speaker, Buck closed his eyes for a second to savor it. “You had me worried, for a moment I thought—I don’t know what I thought. Maybe you were mad at me.”
“Why would I be mad at you?”
There was a pause, a long enough pause that made Buck frown and look at his screen to make sure the call was still going and check on the signal. It all seemed normal.
“I know, I know.” Eddie said. “But you know, just my brain…” He sighed. “All good?”
“Yeah, man. Of course.” Buck smiled. “I genuinely just lost sense of time. I slept for hours,” not true, “and just… I had some stuff to do.” partially the truth, but still not quite it.
Eddie sighed again, making Buck blink. He sounded relieved somehow.
“Where are you?” The man questioned. “Stuck in traffic?”
“Yeah…” It was Buck’s turn to sigh. “Nothing too bad, a truck stopped but all seems okay… just made the line insufferable.”
Eddie laughed, the sound made Buck smile. “See, one thing I definitely don’t miss from LA.”
Here comes another lie. “Yeah, and it’s… the sun is not on our side today.”
“When is it ever over there?”
“Uhm.” He smiled. “So what do you miss from LA?”
“Uh?”
“You said traffic is one of the things you definitely don’t miss. So, what do you miss from home?”
“Ah.” Eddie made a pause. “Extrictly from LA, the beach.” He said. “I genuinely miss it.”
Buck snorted, shaking his head.
“Douchbag, you are supposed to say us! You are supposed to say your friends! Your aunt!”
“I mean—”
“I can’t believe you! We all miss you, Bobby sometimes forgets you aren’t there and calls Ravi by your name, and you miss the beach?” He sighed, biting his bottom lip, waiting for Eddie’s reply to keep the banter up.
“I,” He chuckled. “I’m sorry, I just—we were talking about places and objects, not people!”
“Nah,” He shook his head, looking ahead as the line advanced again, “I’m telling everyone. You better think of what really, really good Christmas presents you are sending for all of us.”
Eddie laughed right in his ear, making his smile widen as, finally, the line started to move smoothly. Buck sighed again, licking his lips and already regretting having to hang on his friend.
“Actually, I already got them all.” He said. “Tía Pepa will take them with her after Christmas here…” It was Eddie’s turn to sigh. “Oh, and Chris will send you something, too.”
“Oh?” Buck blinked, putting him on speaker and taking his phone away from his ear. “Man, I love that kid.”
“Mhm…” Eddie went silent, Buck looked over at his phone for a second before looking back in front.
“Still awkward?”
“Yeah.” He said. “I mean, he does talk to me and we’re okay, in general... It’s just. So awkward.”
Buck nodded. Eddie made a long pause again, he looked at his phone and was about to ask, when Eddie’s laugh filled the jeep.
“Did you nod?”
Oh, shit.
“Yep.” Buck smiled. “I heard you, that's what I meant.”
“I know.” Eddie sighed again. “Is he talking to you?”
Buck blinked, shaking his head. “Sorta.” He murmured, hoping Eddie would hear. “Here and there with texts, we did have a call like a week ago when his break started but nothing… nothing of substance.”
“Yeah…”
“He’s a teenager now, Eddie.” Buck reminded him. “We are no longer cool.”
“Uhm,” Eddie exclaimed. “I don’t think it’s just that.”
It’s your demonic parents in his head, take him out of that city, NOW—
Buck cleared his throat. “It will be okay, man.” Buck said softly. “Christopher loves you. You are his dad… you will figure out new ways to keep the communication between you two as smooth as it’s always been.” He assured him.
“Yeah.” Eddie said, not sounding enthusiastic at all. “Yeah, yeah. I have to.”
He blinked, licking his front teeth as he thought of what to say next. The open road greeted him with lesser traffic, a day ahead of driving—he had no idea of what Eddie’s reaction to seeing him there would be like, if he’d be responsive to his advances and his stupid gift.
Regardless, Buck drove with him and Christopher in mind.
“I have to go, sweetheart.” Eddie murmured. “I’ll talk to you later?”
Buck swallowed his heart down, once again trapped in his throat like every time Eddie called him that as of late.
“Mhm.” He said—he’d be doing more than just talking, hopefully. “I’ll call you, okay?”
“Okay.” Eddie said, sounding happier.
“Careful driving!”
“Yeah, yeah, you too. Bye, Buck!”
“Bye, bye, Eds!”
The man hung up, leaving Buck in silence with the road and the ac of the jeep.
He took a deep breath, and continued driving home to Eddie and Chris.
Buck was definitely acting odd.
Maybe he had done too much with the pet names and the flirting, and—
“Oh my god... You are worse as a gay man!”
Eddie closed his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath before turning to look at his little sister as he waited for his coffee.
“Thanks, kiddo.”
Sophia shook her head, her dark hair falling from her shoulders like curtains. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked up at him.
“You’re overthinking. As always.” She said, “He’s not being weird, he told you: he overslept, he was stuck in traffic, it’s his free days—he’s likely doing some runs, Christmas is just around the corner.” She sighed. “You are stressing for nothing.”
“How are you so sure…?” He murmured, looking at the counter to make sure they weren’t being called then turning to lean his back against his car at her side. “You don’t know him like I do. Buck will literally drop everything he’s doing to answer his phone.”
When she went quiet, Eddie frowned. He looked back at her with his arms crossed over his chest. His little sister was frowning too, shaking her head slightly.
“That makes no sense.”
“I mean,” Eddie swallowed. “He always answers right away, so that’s why I’m saying… he does. He answers no matter what.”
Both her eyebrows went up to meet her bangs.
“Eddie…” She looked up. “That’s not normal.”
“Buck’s very normal—” He defended, then closed his mouth with a click. Alright. Well. “I mean…”
“No, I mean… he likely does that for you.” She said, like explaining something to a five year old. “YOU.”
“No, I—” He had never seen Buck do it. That’s true. But still, Buck wasn’t of the leaving anyone hanging type, so… “It’s not like that.”
Sophia rolled her eyes and sighed loudly.
“You’re so stupid.” She said, back leaning on his car. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”
“Jeez, I get it…”
“No, you don’t.” She said, both looking at the counter where two cups that looked suspiciously like what they had ordered had just been put out. The barista started to put the last touches to their drinks. “You think you are not deserving of this, Eddie. Like—you genuinely think nobody would do something like that for you specifically, specially coming from him.”
Eddie blinked, biting the inside of his cheek.
“It’s not like that.”
“It is.” Soph said, uncrossing her arms. “It’s what the priest said, you deny yourself joy.” She reminded him. “He makes you feel a certain way and so you make yourself NOT feel it, you make yourself blind to the fact it’s clearly mutual.”
“Díaz!” The girl at the counter called with a smile.
Sophia moved before him, walking to greet her and take their drinks as Eddie was left with the bitter taste of the truth in his mouth.
He was sure Buck… he was sure Buck loved him. He was sure the man knew Eddie loved him back, that he could count on him for whatever at any time, no matter what. They’d always have each other’s back, they were best friends.
It’s just. Every time he flirted and Buck responded, he pushed further, then it was gone. The whole thing was lost to whatever Buck remembered to tell him or whatever he needed to do.
Eddie was starting to think they were just excuses to break the moment.
“Here.” She handed him his latte. “Tres kilos de azúcar incluídos.”
“Cállate.”
“Mira… tu mismo lo has dicho. Buck? A mess, just like you.” She said. “So how about you stop playing around and just go for it? Be direct. The worst thing that could happen is he says no.”
Eddie snorted, shaking his head. “Don’t you think that’s more than enough to ruin things?” He sighed, taking off the cap of the cup, smelling the coffee. “Fuck, Edgar knows his stuff.”
“Mhm.” She drank her whatever the hell green and red thing she ordered, something seasonal for Christmas, cold and cinnamon-y. Disgusting. “Ah, bless Edgar.”
He nodded slightly, taking a long sip of his coffee. It burned down his throat deliciously, almost making him forget he was nervous for no reason at all. Eddie sighed after, putting the cap back on the cup and looking at his sister.
“Do you need me to take you back?”
She shook her head. “I have to do some shopping today or I won’t get anything done before Christmas. Mom wants us to help make bolobanes for church.”
He grimaced with her. “Good luck with that.”
“She’s not so bad…”
Eddie arched an eyebrow.
“Alright, okay. I get it.” Sophia moved off his car, standing in front of him as Eddie got close to say goodbye. “Drive safely.” She said, then put her free hand on his shoulder. “And… no. I don’t think it would ruin anything.” His sister said, making his shoulders fall as she had remembered the thread of their conversation. “Because he. feels. the. same.” Sophia said, pointing every word as if trying to engrave it in his brain. “Stop self sabotaging for Christ’s sake. Let that be your Christmas miracle. Okay? Even if that means you have to go back to LA… I rather my brother be happy for once than have him miserable at home.”
Eddie grimaced again, the implications a bit too much for this hour of the day after lunch.
He hugged her instead, kissing the top of her head.
“Alright.” He said. “Ya veremos.”
Once in the car, he felt the heaviness of the unread texts again.
Had he fucked over his friendship with Buck? He thought they were going somewhere with all the flirting and the long talks at night… Maybe they were just friends, maybe that was enough, and it was okay.
Eddie swallowed, looking at his phone again to check the man hadn’t answered—it seemed like he hadn’t even gotten his texts yet.
Had Buck shut down his phone for the afternoon? Maybe he really needed to nap or—something.
He sighed, shaking his head as he closed everything and opened the uber app again.
“I swear to God, if you don’t charge…” Buck tried again, connecting the phone to the mobile charger by leaving them over the plaque.
He waited.
The phone had died on him an hour ago and he took it as a sign to get out the car and eat, leaving it charging inside on the mobile port he had gotten ready the day before. Yet, the phone wasn’t charged at all when he came back.
Buck sighed, realizing it wasn’t charging at all.
“Stupid—fucking… evil, thing—”
Of course it would break exactly when he needed it most. He should’ve not used his phone as much as he did for the first few hours of his trip—or maybe he should’ve gotten the guts to get in a commercial plane like a normal person and get it over with.
He would’ve been in Texas by now.
Then, again, he hated flying and, hey—
This was way more romantic.
Right?
Buck took a deep breath. He should’ve gotten the phone with him and charged it at the dinner while he eat, like any normal person would.
He went out of the car with the phone and his cable charger, jogged back to the dinner to charge it just a little bit while he had some coffee and six glasses of water, and a trip to the toilet.
Adriana gave him a look as she crossed the street to get in the car, Eddie smiled with his full teeth to apologize for the pick up at the wrong side, the holiday traffic was annoying nowadays and he had forgotten just how bad it could get at this hour on these days.
“I’m ranking you two stars.”
“Sorry!” He said, she closed the back door after throwing all her shopping bags there and ran to the passenger seat. “Hey!”
“Hey, you.” She leaned in, kissing his cheek. “Remind me to never say yes to mom ever again.”
Eddie chuckled, so Adriana had been recruited for the bolobanes as well.
“Bolobanes?”
“That she can’t make, yes.” She sighed. “I love the effort, though. Three stars for her.”
Eddie smiled at that, looking at the road and the passing cars before incorporating himself in the traffic line.
“Do you have everything for tomorrow?” Adriana asked.
“Yeah…” He said, yawning. “Man, I need to stop sleeping so late…”
“Ya estás viejo…”
“Cállate.” He made a face at her. “La canosa eres tú.”
“CÁLLATE, PENDEJO!” She slapped his shoulder, Eddie laughed and looked at his phone as a message from Chris flashed on his notifications.
He’d check it later after leaving Adriana at his parents’, maybe he’d see him there.
“Do you know if mom picked up Chris already?”
Adriana yawned this time, giving a thumbs up.
“Yeah, I saw him before risking my life at Walmart.” She said. “He did not look happy.”
Eddie snorted, shaking his head. “I told him he could say no…”
“That kid doesn’t know how to say no to our mother,” She said, Eddie looked at her as they stopped at a red light. “Just like his father!”
“Come on…” He made a tsk sound with his tongue.
“Brother, I literally saw you get in every single club and activity she wanted you to take while growing up.” She reminded him. “Then becoming the best at the thing because she wanted him to…” Eddie rolled his eyes. “And get married even though Janet, may she rest in peace, told you two not to.”
She looked at him, Eddie grimaced.
“You have mamitis, in recovery, but still mamitis.” She said, he showed her his middle finger and advanced when the light went green again.
“You have to admit it’s not so bad anymore.” He suggested. “It’s not like she likes me a lot right now.”
Adriana laughed, shaking her head. “Nochebuena is gonna be SO good.”
Eddie made a face, trying his best not to think about it.
He knew several of his uncles and aunts were aware he had… come out to his parents. In the middle of a screaming match, as dramatic as possible—all else he needed was an audience, but at least they'd been alone at the house when it happened.
Adriana and Sophia had been great about it, some sort of relief had crossed their faces after they listened to him, an understanding he didn’t get from his parents almost at all.
He was lucky, though.
In his dreams, nobody talked to him.
They outcast him and left him behind, dead to them, unable to come in Nochebuena.
In reality, most of his family would do what almost every other Latino family did with their gay relatives: they won’t speak about it. They welcome him, greet him, kiss him, ask about work and how’s he doing, but never about a partner, not even if he ever brought someone home.
He’d be a friend, Eddie’s special friend.
But at least, he’d be his partner to Pepa and his abuela, to his sisters, to his parents even if they wouldn’t speak out loud about them to other people.
At least he could have some sort of privacy, some sort of acceptance.
“It’ll be okay.” Adriana assured him. “I mean, they… will talk about you, that’s for sure.”
He sighed, knowing well he was the family’s biggest gossip at the moment.
“And the day you bring Buck, uhm!” She smiled. “Oh, they are gonna eat him. Specially mis tías.”
“I love your confidence.”
Adriana giggled. “You keep thinking he’ll reject you?”
Eddie looked at her for a moment, narrowing his eyes at her. She showed him her tongue, laughing together after.
“He’s not gonna.” She said. “I don’t know him that much but I dooooo remember the first time we met him.”
“Yeah?”
“Mhm.” She sighed, looking at the road ahead as he took a turn and they entered their parents’ street. “When him and your team showed up during Shannon’s burial, they were all kind and nice, but he was so attentive.” She said, “Everything you said, everything Chris needed. He was there for just a moment, and all he did during every second of it was to listen to you and tend Chris, I thought it was sweet.”
Eddie licked his front teeth, those days were a blur in his head.
If he sat down to think about it, he could collect a few things: signing things, picking up the clothes for Shannon’s burial, asking his abuela for help to dress her, crying his eyes out as he did so.
The guilt, the nausea, the loss.
Bobby’s hug, Hen’s hand on his cheek, Chim’s paths on his shoulder, Buck’s worried and watery eyes. His arms around him, his nose on his neck, the scent of his cologne, the comfort he had become so early in their relationship.
Sometimes you just click with someone, he used to explain himself.
Sometimes that someone is a he.
Sometimes he looks like a kicked puppy as you drive with the bodies of an old married couple of gay men that got the best life they could give each other, thinking and overthinking the lesson he had learned from one of them in just five minutes: you don’t find the right relationship, you make it.
Sometimes, you make a life with that man without even realizing it.
You raise your child together, make a house feel like a home, share a table, job, friends, all of your free time, all of your waking hours.
Somewhere between taking out grenades from a man’s leg and getting shot, you fall in love and don’t realize it until many years later, when just one single thought makes so many things in your life clear.
“Maybe I don’t want a wife, mom. Maybe I don’t want a girlfriend, I don’t want a, a—I don’t want to spend my life with any woman—”
“So what? Are you going to be one of those single lonely men that only hang out with their married friends on football nights?”
“Maybe! Maybe I would rather be with the guys! Maybe all I need is my best friend! Maybe I’ll keep taking care of my son with him, he’s my partner!”
“Do you even hear yourself, Edmundo? Do you hear what you’re saying? What that sounds like?”
“I—yeah. I do. Maybe I don’t want a wife because I have Buck. I have a man.”
“You got really quiet…” His little sister murmured.
Eddie took a deep breath, then sighed.
“Just thinking about what you said.” He murmured, his voice sounded almost alien to him. Eddie cleared his throat. “Buck and I got pretty close fast, I didn’t even notice until I realized one day I had put down his name for tickets for Chris’ Christmas recital without even asking him.”
“Did he say yes without hesitation?”
He couldn’t help but smile, coming to a stop in front of his parents’ house. Eddie looked at his sister and nodded.
“Yeah, he recorded the whole thing too.” He sighed. “We never even spoke about it, it was just a given. His name should be listed for whatever Chris activity was available.”
Adriana smiled at him.
“Uhmmm…” She nodded. “Yeah, like I said. He made a good impression that first time. Even better the second.”
“Yeah?” He killed the engine, seeing from the corner of his eye that his father had gotten out of the house. “It was my shield ceremony, no?”
“Mhm.” Adriana nodded, waving at the father. “What the hell was he doing there with a shattered leg and in the middle of his medical leave?”
Eddie laughed, remembering the beat of his heart as he watched Buck cry out for help in the middle of the street, remembering the feel of his hand as he held it and try to comfort him when civilians came to help.
No questions asked, Buck had been there for his ceremony, big smile on his face.
Such a sweetheart.
Eddie thought it over. He looked up at his sister and smiled.
“I love him.”
“I know.” She said, cheeks red. “And I wish you could see the way he looks at you, it’s the same way you look at him.” Adriana smiled, her curls moving as he leaned her head to one side. “I can’t help… but like him so much, even when we don't know each other.” She sighed. “Because he loves my big brother and my nephew so much.”
His nose felt funny, Eddie could feel his throat close and his smile become something else. He shook his head, blinking the tears away and swallowing the cry-laugh threatening to come out.
“Me vas a hacer llorar, cabrona.” He said, leaning in to kiss Adriana’s forehead. “Te amo.”
“Yo ya estoy llorando.” She sniffed. “Los dos somos un par de chillones.” She smiled at him, putting a hand on his cheek. “Ve por él.”
Eddie nodded. “Okay.”
Adriana kissed his cheek, Eddie closed his eyes and smiled as she left the car, making their father carry her bags.
When he looked back at the house, Christopher was waving at him.
He sent him a kiss with his hand and waved back, sighing as opened the uber app again.
Maybe it was to make it clear to his friend the flirting was not just banter and a joke.
“TEXAS?” Maddie yelled to his face, Buck swallowed and looked at his phone. “What do you mean driving to Texas, Evan?”
Given name, that could not be good.
“It’s just…” He swallowed again. God, he was so thirsty. “Okay. You shouldn’t be mad! You told me to follow my instinct when it came to Eddie—”
“Not like this!” She said, walking away from Robbie’s room. “Do you even know where you are?”
“Yeah, look. I got the GPS working, it’s fine.” He sighed. “This is what I did for years, Mads, I’m gonna be okay.”
“Chasing men around the country?!”
He couldn’t help but laugh, Maddie frowned at him. She finally sat down in her living room, he could see Chim sitting on the couch, looking at the millions of paperwork Bobby had inherited him with his retirement.
“Howie,” She called him, the man looked at her then at the camera,
“Hey, Buckaroo! Where—are you driving?” He frowned.
“He’s on his way to Texas!” She said, accusatory.
Buck rolled his eyes.
No fucking way she just ratted him to his captain.
“What…?” Chim looked at her, then back at him. “Are you serious, man? Were you planning on telling me or something?”
“I have three free days, I’m taking them for this little trip!”
“Oh, so you’re going to woo Eddito for three days then just come back? I don’t think so.” Chimney said, Buck narrowed his eyes at him. “Don’t even try to pretend this isn’t about Eddie, you got nothing over there but your Penelope!”
Okay, yeah. Absolutely. Still… rude.
“My odyssey is just starting, okay.” He sighed. “I don’t even know if he’s… gonna be okay with me being over there.”
Chim frowned, Maddie pulled the phone to her face again. “What do you mean by that?” She asked. “You didn’t tell him you were going?”
“No…?” He said, though it sounded more like a question even to himself. “I mean, I’m trying to be romantic here.” He said, looking ahead at the road as the darkness was taking a toll on his tired body. “You see, we were talking yesterday and he said he had never—”
“Yesterday?” Maddie interrupted. “I’m sorry, Evan… Evan, did you just impulsively decide to make the trip to El Paso last night?”
He swallowed, nodding, eyes on the road only.
Maddie sighed tiredly on the other side of the call.
“What if he’s not even home?” Chim said.
“He is.” He assured. “He’d tell me if he was going out.”
The guys went quiet, Buck looked at the screen for a moment, watching them just look at each other with incredulous faces.
“Yeah, whatever.” Maddie said. “So you don’t even have where to stay?”
“Nope!” He admitted. “Pretty much depends on if Eddie rejects me or not.”
His sister sighed loudly again.
“Fine.” Maddie cleared her throat. “Fine…” She murmured, Buck looked at the screen then at the road, at the screen then the road, and so on. “But you better send me pictures and call us on Christmas.” She said, “I can’t believe you’re missing Robbie’s first Christmas!”
A pang of pain made his chest feel too little.
“I know…” Buck said, guilt still consuming him. “But Mads,” He looked at her after he took a turn, the GPS rebooting—did he take the wrong one? Oh… “I need to do this now.” He admitted.
“Why?”
“Because I will chicken out after.” He confessed. “And because… his sisters are taking him to a bar on Friday and they’ve been insisting on him flirting and—trying on guys.”
“Aha…”
“I don’t want him to.”
He could hear Chim snorting in the back then a little slap and the man yelping at the sudden pain.
“So you’re making a 12 hour trip at three days from Christmas, to prevent him from kissing anyone but you?” Maddie said, eyebrows almost meeting her hairline.
Buck cleared his throat. “Yep.” He said, proudly. “That’s exactly what I want.”
“Come on, man…” Chim’s face reappeared on the screen.
“I know how that sounds.” He admitted. “I know you don’t get it—”
“No, I get it, you miss him—”
“It’s not just that, Maddie.” He said. “It’s… we built a life together. I didn’t even realize, it was so, so good, I didn’t even realize we had done it.” He admitted. “I miss him, I miss Christ, and I need to tell him how I feel!”
“I get it, but couldn’t this be more…. Planned? Responsibly?”
“No.” Buck said, shaking his head. Sure he was lost on the road, again. “No, It couldn’t.” He sighed. “I always control myself when it comes to Eddie and all I got was years wasted where we could’ve gotten somewhere else…” He sighed. “Not anymore. I’m doing this.”
“Okay.” Maddie said. “Okay, fine… but Buck, please be careful. Come home as soon as you can, please.”
“Of course.” He said, sighing in relief now. “Thank you, Maddie.” He said. “It really means a lot to have you on my side, the two of you.”
Chim reappeared on screen, saluting him.
“Just show up to work or let me know if I put you down as sick.”
Buck smiled at him. “Thanks, cap.” He said. “Now… he looked around. “I’m kinda lost… again.” He admitted. “I’ll text you when I get there, okay?” Buck told his sister. “I love you!”
“I love you!” She said, “Please be careful. And good luck!”
Luck.
Luck had been meeting Eddie when he did, becoming his friend, seeing Christopher grow up right in front of their eyes, talking to the man every night for hours, talking about everything and anything.
That was luck.
What he needed was a chance.
Buck didn’t answer his calls for the rest of his working hours and Eddie decided to take it as it was: the man was tired. He was likely napping and had put off the phone to do so peacefully. This time of the year was, after all, a bit busy with all the power problems and neighbors wanting to kill each other over Santa gnomes and other decorations on the streets.
He finished his day by taking a group of old ladies to their Christmas party at one of the party halls he used to know when he was a kid.
They tipped him nicely after he heard them discuss how much tequila was too much and he had participated in the conversation by saying, there’s not such thing as too much tequila. Something his mother would likely scold him for, but it had made the girls laugh, and that was what mattered most when he dropped them off while advising them to not abuse the caballitos with a radiant smile.
“That’s a beautiful baby!” The one in the front seat said before leaving the car, looking at the photo he kept of himself and Chris.
Eddie smiled at her, proudly saying “That’s my son, Christopher.”
“Such a lovely smile!” Another one complimented. “Just like his daddy’s!”
He laughed, knowing well there wasn’t much resemblance between them but yes—maybe the gestures were his first, maybe they have been his parents’ first. Or abuela’s.
“He’s thirteen now,” He admitted, “seems like he’s too cool for pictures with his dad to update this one.”
“Oww.” The lady at the front frowned, looking at him with an apologetic smile. “Maybe this Christmas he’d change his mind.”
“Hopefully!” He smiled. “Let me help you,”
He left the car and walked to the door on the side of the entrance, opening the front door first and helping his copilot get out. Eddie then helped the three ladies at the back, and watched them walk inside talking between them after saying their thank yous and goodnights.
Sighing, he went back into the car and unhooked his phone, closing the app and his shift with it.
Eddie debated between starting the engine and charging some gas or getting straight home—maybe try to call Buck again first, see if the man was back in the land of the living or he’d have to actually call Maddie for a wellness check.
He opened his last calls when his screen illuminated with his son’s face, making him blink and look at the hour.
Almost ten.
“Chris?”
“Hey, dad.” He heard his voice, suddenly deep. Other days, soft again. Still changing. His heart sank a little, but Eddie smiled. “Are you still working?”
“No, I just finished off…” He said. “Are you okay, bud? It’s late…”
“Yeah, we… Grandma is not answering her phone. I think she fell asleep.”
Eddie frowned. “You want me to call her or…?”
“No, we are in Cielo Vista.” He said, his eyebrows went up. At this hour? “She said she’d come after the movie was over but didn’t, so…”
“Oh.” Eddie took a breath. “Yeah, she likely fell asleep. Need a ride?”
“Yeah.” Chris sighed, Eddie could hear the smile in the tone. “If that’s okay? Raúl is with me.”
“Of course.” He said, starting the engine. “Stay inside, I'll ring you up when I'm there.”
“Okay. Thanks, dad!”
One good thing about being in El Paso was how fast Christopher had adapted to the proper accents in Spanish words. He couldn’t keep up a long conversation in the language just yet, but Eddie wouldn’t be surprised if he got there sooner than expected.
The boy was smart, he liked Spanish, and several of his new friends spoke the language like it was their mother tongue. It was just a matter of time for him to get used to it.
He rang up Chris’ phone once he drove into the parking lot after a quiet trip, the city mostly okay for the date. The boys were quick to make it to the car, shopping bags thrown unceremoniously alongside Raúl.
“Gimme—” The boy said, holding his hands out to grab Chris’ crutches as he got into the car. “Wait, wait, my phone!”
“Why did you put it there?” Christopher complained, making Eddie smile as he watched them struggle with their legs and arms in the back. “Take it!”
“Perdóoooooooon. Ya, ya…”
“Pendejo.”
Eddie bit down his tongue, shaking his head and swallowing the laugh he had almost let out. He took a deep breath and looked back at them.
“Are you two done?”
“Yeah…”
“Hi, Mr. Díaz.” Raúl said, offering his hand. “I’m Raúl.”
“Hey,” Eddie shook his hand firmly, the boy smiled at him. “Heard a lot about ya.”
“Mhm,” The kid sighed, “It’s nice to meet you!”
“Likewise, son.” He said, driving out of the way. “Where am I taking you?”
The boys settled, Eddie drove quietly as he listened to the conversation, doing his best not to laugh and remembering the kind of teen he was once.
By God’s grace, Christopher was not like that.
(“A criminal, is that what you want to be when you are older?” His tía Pepa used to say.
“Si te vas a robar un carro, que sea el de tu papá. A mi vieja la dejas fuera de esto, chamaco.”
“¡Papá!” His father had intervened, making Eddie smile as the old man shrugged while looking at his son. “Don’t encourage him!”
“¿Cómo qué tu vieja, Edmundo?” Abuela had interrupted, effectively changing the subject from Eddie to his abuelo’s Chevelle.
Eddie still had the car stored safely in LA, Buck had the keys and its paperwork for safekeeping. He will eventually get back and bring it.
Or maybe it’ll be his excuse to return and never put a foot in Texas again.
Deep down that was the real escape plan.)
“Can I put music?” Christopher asked.
“Sure.” Eddie nodded, “Just not too laugh, please.”
“Yeah…” The boy said, connecting his phone to the car’s stereo.
Eddie recognized the song the moment it started though he had no idea of the name. His cousins were obsessed with the song somewhere in the last couple of years. All he knew was that the song was popular, in Spanish, and made to dance.
“Y lo usaré solo para decirte lo mucho que lo sieeeento…” The pair of teens sang together, voices off tune, changing, funny as hell.
He couldn’t help but smile.
“Eso de que me vieron feliz no es ciertooooo.”
He sighed, driving quietly, listening to his son sing in Spanish with his friend.
Raúl gasped loudly as they waited at a red light. Eddie put attention through the mirror, the kid had his giant phone out and was shoving it into Christopher’s face.
“I told you, I told you that asshole was still molesting Lydia—“
Eddie was about to ask when Christopher hit his friend in the chest. “Bothering! It’s bothering! Molesting is sexual harassment, dude!”
“Oh!” The kid frowned, blinking before looking up apologetically at Eddie through the mirror. “I’m sorry, Mr. Díaz, I’m just getting used to English full time…”
Uhm. Eddie smiled at him.
“You were in a Spanish only school before?” He did remember Chris mentioning the kid had just gotten enrolled like him.
“No… I mean, yeah. My sister and I just moved in with our mom from Mexico. She’s from here and my parents divorced, so…”
He nodded. “Where did you live before?”
“Ciudad Juárez.” He said. “Both mom and dad are lawyers and stuff. Mom got custody so we moved with her and now we have to talk English more.”
Eddie nodded, smiling gently at the boy. “Do you miss Mexico?”
“Yeah.” He sighed. “Who doesn’t miss home?”
He could see Christopher grimacing on the back seat, looking away and into his phone as he faced the window. Eddie smiled again, agreeing, and the boys went back to their previous conversation and singing.
“Maybe next time someone will kick him.” Raúl said out loud, Eddie frowned. “Someone should kick him…”
“Yeah, well. Who? Everyone is afraid of him.”
“Not you…”
“Yeah. One of his teachers is my aunt!”
Eddie bit the inside of his cheek, doing his best not to smile.
So, Adriana was definitely using her teacher card to remind everyone who Christopher was at school.
“Mr. Díaz, would you consider it unethical to kick a bully?”
Eddie arched an eyebrow. “You guys getting bullied?”
“No…” Christopher said. “It’s just… this senior guy, he’s a jerk.” He sighed. “He keeps bothering girls just for the fun of it.”
“They say he’s gay and that’s why he hates girls!”
Another slap flew into Raúl’s chest.
“Ouch! I didn’t say it, other people did!”
“He bothers girls because he’s an idiot, not gay!” Another one. “Stop equalling being an asshole to girls to being gay!”
“Ouch!” Raúl hit back, Eddie blinked, watching them throw little slaps like kittens, shaking his head as he came closer to Raúl’s house. He could see a girl standing at the door with a Santa hat on. “It wasn’t me! It was Rachel and Souza!”
“Don’t repeat it!”
“Fine!”
The car came to a stop in front of the house, the girl at the entrance smiled and waved.
“That’s my sister!” Raúl announced. “So, Mr. Díaz…” He continued, Eddie looked back fully. “Do you consider it unethical to kick a bully?”
He smiled at the boys, “I mean. Probably not a good idea, you could get in trouble. Especially in school…” He sighed. “And hitting somebody is no way to fix things.”
Eddie would know that.
“What if he really, really deserves it?” Christopher asked over his glasses.
“Still not a good idea…” Eddie wrinkled his nose. “Have you tried the legal way and told the teachers?”
“People have already told the principal… he still does it. In school, outside of school, online…” His son said, Eddie nodded slightly. It was sounding worse by the second. “Okay, how about… he accidentally gets kicked?”
Eddie blinked once, knowing well where this was going.
“How so?”
“Maybe…” Chris took one of his crutches, shaking it slightly and looking at him innocently. “He walks into one of these?”
Eddie shook his head slowly.
Unbelievable.
“I mean, if it’s an accident!” Raúl said, putting his hands up. “Who would say anything?”
Was he allowed to intervene now, talk to the teacher or the principal himself, or would that trigger his mother into a frenzí and make her want to change Christopher into another school without telling him again? He was sure she was just looking for the excuse to send him into the same catholic institute his sisters and Eddie had to endure as children.
He took a deep breath. If he said no right now, there was a chance the kids would do it anyway.
“Alright, look.” He faced them, arm over the front seat. “What will happen if he realizes?”
The two boys looked at each other, then Christopher looked back at him while his friend frantically typed on his phone.
“Maybe it already happened?”
For fuck’s sake.
Eddie closed his eyes for a second, then looked pointedly at his son.
“And what happened?”
“You have to go to the principal’s office tomorrow?” Chris said.
He massaged the bridge of his nose, shaking his head.
“Tomorrow? It’s Nochebuena!”
“Yeah, but it was the only day he could see you… and the other parents.”
Eddie sighed, shaking his head. “Does your grandma know?” Christopher shook his head. “And since when were you told about this?”
“Uh…” His son looked away. “Maybe a week? A week ago or something.”
Eddie gave him a look.
“You didn’t tell your grandparents, don’t you?”
“Nope.”
“Abuela was awake?”
“I don’t know.” He said, Eddie looked at Chris. “I called you, though.” He smiled.
Eddie bit the inside of his cheek, Christopher was lucky he was still adorable.
“You just didn’t want the principal to tell your grandmother.” He shook his head. “You are using me to shield yourself from her.”
“I mean, he said parents!” Christopher defended. “You’re here and I went back to live with you now, so why would I tell my grandparents. Right?”
“Right…” He sighed. “Fine. What hour?”
“9 AM.” Both boys said at the same time.
“Okay.” Eddie swallowed. “Will I get any more surprised?”
Christopher shrugged, then looked at Raúl who shrugged back.
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Alright…”
They fell into silence for a moment, Eddie looked outside where the girl was waving her brother in.
“I got to go.” Raúl said. “I have to tell mom.”
“Good luck.”
“Dude, I don’t want to.” The boy said, sounding genuinely stressed. “She’s had enough of me all week.” He opened the door and put a foot out. “Yeah, see you tomorrow.”
“See you, man.” They bumped fists, then Raúl looked at Eddie.
“Thanks for the ride, Mr. Díaz, it was nice to meet you!”
“Nice meeting you, son. Have a good night! And felices fiestas!”
“Good night! Felices fiestas!”
The door closed, the kid ran to his sister with his shopping bags. He shoved them all to her and turned to wave them off, Eddie lifted his fingers in his direction and started to drive off in silence until he heard Chris sigh.
Raúl and his sister went inside the house as they turned, and Eddie drove slowly to watch them safely close the door, then went off into the night.
His parents’ house was close by, his place even closer.
Eddie sighed and looked at Christopher through the mirror.
The boy had taken off his glasses and closed his eyes, throwing his head back slightly.
“Are you okay, mijo?”
Chris gave him a thumbs up, and Eddie smiled at the sight.
Eddie had left him an audio earlier the day and Buck had avoided it for no reason at all.
He had been avoiding Eddie for no reason. At all. All day long.
Taking a deep breath, he watched the wall in front of him as he stayed put in the parking lot of the small hotel he had quickly googled during his last stop to the bathroom on the road before arriving to El Paso.
For a moment there, Buck had forgotten El Paso was an actual city, one of the biggest in the country even.
He had been taken by surprise as he entered the city and saw the normality of the place, how pretty it looked with its Christmas decorations and the lights all in use.
Passing each place made him think of Eddie and Chris, made him think that the Díaz boys fit the place as much as they fit LA. He could see why it was home.
Could they imagine him there? Could his boys see him fit in?
He clicked play on the short audio.
Sweetheart, you’ve been acting off today… for a while, I think. I guess we both have. I know this has been weird and the distance sucks, I hate it too. But you’re still my buddy, I love talking to you. If I’m annoying you, just let me know. Anyway. I have to work. Call me.
Buck put his forehead on the steering wheel, looking at the dashboard as he blinked.
What the hell was he doing?
His fingers trembled as he hovered over the letters on his screen, ready to reply and find out if Eddie was home or he should settle for the night and pretend to sleep, be ready for the surprise tomorrow—whatever that may be.
They had been moving differently as of late.
Maybe ever since Eddie left for Texas, perhaps since that night in the house when Tommy dumped him and they sat down in silence with beers and not questioning Eddie’s lack of pants. Whenever it had been, there was not turning back.
Not from that, and not from this.
Buck swallowed the nasty knot of feelings in this throat and took his phone, ready to call Eddie and ask if he was off work already when a new message from the man came in:
Eds
(10:47 PM) So Chris got in trouble for kicking some asshole with his crutch and I have to talk to the principal tomorrow morning
Is it too bad I kind of feel good about it because he told me and not my parents even though it’s their names and phones they put down for his contact information?
PS: the asshole had it coming anyway
Buck blinked a couple of times, looking at the words on his screen as a small smile started to creep into his face. He snorted, laughing loudly as his shoulders shook and his eyes filled with tears.
He was so tired. So, so tired and confused.
But Eddie was still the best dad in the world, Chris was still the best kid in the universe, and he still loved them so, so much, he needed to see them right now.
Me
(10:51 PM) lol
I mean it’s great he told you and wants you to show up, no?
And it’s also great he takes care of his own problems the same way his dad does
Eds
(10:52 PM) Don’t be an ass, that was ONCE a million years ago
Me
(10:52 PM) idk, street fighter, I still see the flame in your eyes when a civilian is kind of a villain during calls
Eds
(10:52 PM) 🖕
Buck smiled, shaking his head. He swallowed again and wrote as fast as possible before he chickened out again.
Me
(10:54 PM) Hey, are you home?
Eds
(10:55 PM) Mhm. Waiting on Chris to come out of the bathroom so I can drive him to my parents’
He’s staying with them tonight and tomorrow for Nochebuena
Buck grimaced.
Me
(10:56 PM) Ok. Call me when you get home?
Eds
(10:56 PM) Ooooooh
NOW you wanna talk, I see how it is
He rolled his eyes, shaking his head.
Me
(10:57 PM) Don’t be dramatic
I was just busy
Eds
(10:58 PM) FINE
Gotta go.
I’ll call you, sweetheart
Me
(10:58 PM) 👍🏻
Right.
So now, what?
Eddie held the passenger seat’s door open for Chris, looking back at his son as he left the house.
His place had been closer than his parent’s and the kid needed the bathroom, life would be easier if he could just… stay; if he had just said no when his mother convinced Chris of staying with them during Nochebuena.
Sighing, he looked as the kid came out of the door slowly.
“Just close the door, please.”
The boy nodded, turning to do so before stopping there, looking inside.
Eddie blinked, watching his son as he stayed quietly staring inside.
They had decorated together with his abuela, an afternoon that made him feel normal for the first time in months. Chris had said he loved it. It had been good. Did he not like the decoration at the end?
“Bud?”
The boy looked back, smiling almost shyly at him.
“Can I just stay? I’m tired.”
He’d be worried about the force he put into closing the car’s door if it was his old truck, Eddie was too happy to care at the time.
“Sure, of course!” He said, walking back into the house.
Christopher was already back inside by the time he was closing the door and taking out his phone, ready to call his parents so they wouldn't worry for the boy.
His mother offered to pick Chris up from the house that same night, but the boy said no, claiming again he was tired and simply wanted to sleep. He’d say tomorrow with all the cousins.
Eddie took it as a small win, his son was learning to say no as well.
“She’s going to lecture me tomorrow during dinner." Christopher complained. “Was she this… worried all the time when you were my age?”
“Ha!” Eddie bit the inside of his bottom lip, doing his best not to snitch on his mom. “And then some.” Was all he said. “Mostly for your aunts. Me? I had other responsibilities.”
The boy frowned, looking up at him as Eddie came into the living room with his glass with water and his beer. He passed him the glass, Chris watched him sit on the coffee table in front of him.
“What do you mean?”
“Uhm,” Eddie thought it over. He did not want to complain. “I was… just the eldest sibling. I took care of your tías while we were out, helped with some stuff in the house, and also had baseball, and dancing, and homework. It was a tight schedule, I didn’t have a lot of time to notice if she ever worried.” He smiled. “She’s older now… grandparents always soften when their grandkids are born. She was just different then.”
Christopher nodded, not looking entirely satisfied. He drank from his glass and sank into the couch, relaxing.
“Steven deserved the kick.” He said, not looking at him. Eddie left his beer on the table, eyes on his son. “I know it shouldn’t be a solution but the school’s solution is always ‘talk it over’. I don’t think he’s the type to talk to anymore.”
The boy looked at him, Eddie lifted his arm to take the glass and leave it on the table as well.
“He picks up on all girls, even the mean girls and the popular ones.” He explained. “And he was bothering Lily, he’s always bothering her because she has a girlfriend.”
Of course.
Eddie took a deep breath.
“I don’t know, I just… he pisses me off.”
He nodded, putting a hand on his boy’s knee and looking up at him.
“I understand.” He said. “I know it’s hard to just stand there when someone is taking advantage of others… I get it. I’m not mad at you or anything.”
“I won’t do it again…” Christopher said, not really promising anything.
Eddie smiled, his son was getting older and more independent. He was lucky he still decided to tell him things like this, to explain himself and share how he felt.
He was lucky Christopher was his son.
“Did he get hurt?”
“Nah.” He shrugged. “But he did fall and everyone laughed, so maybe a bruised pride.”
Eddie laughed with him, shaking his head once.
“I’m proud of you.” He assured him. “No one got hurt and you stood up for someone else who needed help and deserves respect. It’s okay.”
The kid smiled wide at him, something akin to relief in his eyes.
“Still, I got to tell you… that’s not the right solution in almost all cases, alright?” He said, giving him a look. “I don’t want you to go around kicking people, bud. Next time, I’m letting your grandmother give you her mind.”
“Uh…” Chris closed his eyes with a frown, then nodded. “I know…” He said. “It really won’t happen again, dad.”
“Good.” He squeezed his knee. “So, what movie did you guys watch?”
They stayed talking for a bit until Christopher was yawning and Eddie was hurrying him up to his bedroom, not without first going to the bathroom and cleaning his teeth.
He went back to the living room to pick up the coffee table and put off the TV, taking out his phone to call Buck—until the man declined his facetime again.
“What the fuck…?” He frowned, opening their chat again to ask what was going on.
Me
(11:42 PM) YOU TOLD ME TO CALL!!!
Buck
(11:42 PM) I can’t answer right now!!!!!
I’m in the bathroom!!!!
Eddie snorted, shaking his head. He went into the kitchen and left the used glass on the sink and the empty bottle in the garbage. Leaning his back on the counter, he texted Buck again.
Me
(11:47 PM) Alright, how about now?
Buck
(11:48 PM) Naked
His eyebrows went up, biting his bottom lip as he smiled.
Me
(11:50 PM) 👀
[Requesting video call to Buck]
Buck
[Buck has declined the video call]
Eddie laughed, watching as the man wrote and rewrote whatever insult he was trying to form for Eddie, the writing bubble appearing and disappearing furiously.
Buck
(11:56 PM) You miss looking at my super white ass or what?
He smiled, cheeks feeling warm.
Me
(11:57 PM) Yeah, changing with you at the station was the highlight of my day
And it’s not that white, it’s pretty much pink 🍑
Buck
(11:59 PM) EDDIE
I’M DRIVING
What? He frowned, looking at his phone.
Me
(00:04) Are you driving naked?
Buck’s writing bubble appeared and disappeared a couple of times, making Eddie blink as he watched it happen one, twice, three times, until it went completely away.
What was going on? Why was Buck being so… erratic?
He swallowed, starting to text again when the man finally answered.
Buck
(00:06 AM) No!!!! I’m just about to go out
Sorry, i’ve been distracted all day
Made some Christmas shopping and stuff, and I have this… date thing
Date.
Eddie blinked, fingers frozen over the screen. Jaw tense.
Me
(00:10 AM) Buck, it’s midnight
Buck
(00:10 AM) Not here!
It’s nothing, don’t worry
His frown went deeper.
What the fuck?
Buck
(00:12 AM) How is Christopher? Did your mom make a fuss because you picked him up?
Eddie swallowed his upset and made a tsk sound with his tongue.
Fine.
Me
(00:13 AM) Actually, Chris is staying tonight after all
It’s what I wanted to tell you
Buck
(00:14 AM) That’s great!
I can’t wait to see him
Eddie moved his head to one side, wondering for a second. On facetime? The kid was already asleep, or at least pretending to be.
Maybe in the morning.
Me
(00:16 AM) I’ll call you in the morning so you guys can talk
Buck
(00:17 AM) Yes ☺️
He sighed, walking away from the counter to start his nightly routine with a frown on his face: check the windows and doors were closed and secured, put off all the lights and into the bedroom to clean up, change and get into bed.
Eddie walked around with his phone making a hole in his jeans—he wanted to know what was Buck doing out so late on a weekday so close to Christmas, why was he keeping this… out of their conversations.
He’d tell him if he was seeing someone, it never stopped him before, so… what the hell was going on?
Bitting the inside of his cheek, Eddie secured the back door and walked out of the kitchen. A car passed in front of the house, he wondered if he should get thicker curtains to avoid the way the lights had hit his face, and then.
His phone vibrated.
Incoming call from Buck
“Hey,” Eddie answered. “I’m not allowed to see your face today?”
“Uhm…” Buck sounded low, like he was murmuring. “Kind of?”
“What?” He frowned. “Buck, are you okay?”
“I’m not sure… but I got you something for Christmas, it’s at your door according to this. Can you check it out?”
“Now?” Eddie’s frown went deeper. “Buck, it’s midnight…”
“I know, I know, but… you know, deliveries this time of the year are crazy!” He laughed, still sounded like a murmur.
“Where are you?” He asked, walking to the front door. “Nobody knocked or anything, are you sure the app is correct?”
“Yeah, I got sent a picture and everything…”
“Where are you?” He insisted.
“Edmundo.”
He stopped a few steps from the door.
Whole given name. What was going on?
“Just… open the door.”
Eddie looked at the door slowly, blinking, heart in his throat.
“Evan Buckley,” He said, hurrying to the door, “if I open that door and see your stupid face after you ignored me all day, I swear to god—“
“—I’m gonna kill you, dead, strangled, with my bare hands!”
The phone almost fell from his hand as he looked up, the door wide open showing a furiously red faced Eddie at the entrance, phone at his ear.
“I’m gonna kill you!”
“No—“ He tried, nervously laughing as he walked the steps up to the door.
Eddie hung off the phone and used it to point at him.
“What are you doing here?” He asked, voice high pitched.
“S—surprise?”
“You THINK?” Eddie’s eyes were wide open, looking impossibly bigger than before. “What the hell, man?”
“Uuh…”
“God,” Eddie put a hand on his shoulder, pulling him in. “Just come inside, you insane, strange, man—“
“No…” He murmured, “Wait! No! Not yet!”
Eddie looked back at him with a frown, Buck shoved the box into his face, hands shaking.
“You, you have to open the present first.” He said. “Because—if you don’t like it, I really have to go.”
“What…?” Eddie took the box, looking down at it. “What do you mean? Buck, whatever it is, I’m sure we can talk about it, sweetheart…”
God, this man—“Would you just open it, please?” He said, swallowing after. “Every decision I’ve made in the last 24 hours has been leading up to this, and if I’m making a mistake, I would rather hear it from you.”
Eddie looked up at him, confusion and worry on his face.
He had planned a whole speech for this moment.
Buck had thought of confessing his feelings and asking him out, of buying flowers and an actual present as well. But at the end of the day, after traffic, dead phone chargers, busy dinners and getting lost twice…
All he had was his shaking hands and beating heart.
“M-Merry early Christmas!”
Eddie looked down at the box, he must have noticed by now how light it was and the lack of bow. He put off the cap and frowned, making Buck’s heart stop for a second as he took the plant with his fingers.
He lifted it in front of his face, blinking.
“Buck?”
“You said that—“
“I know what I said.”
Shit, shit, shit…
Eddie left the box somewhere inside the house then stepped out into the Christmasy rug, closer to Buck. He kept the mistletoe up at his jaw’s level and looked at him.
“You drove all day.”
It wasn’t a question, so Buck just nodded.
“Why did it take you so long? Wait… Did you get lost?”
Buck nodded, Eddie smiled immediately. “Tw-twice, actually.”
“Buck…” He laughed. “You’re an idiot.”
“I’m…” He swallowed again, trying for a smile. “Your idiot?”
Eddie’s eyes softened that way only he managed to, it made him melt inside every time. He took another step closer to Buck, offering the mistletoe back.
Well—
“Don’t make that face, tonto. You’re taller.”
“Ah—oh.” He took the plant clumsily, almost letting it slip from his hand as their fingers touched. “Yeah, yeah… of course.”
He lifted his arm above the two of them, then looked down at Eddie’s face.
“Just so you know…” Buck started, the man looked at him with a neutral expression. “I’m not doing this to be funny or something.” He swallowed again, dry as hell. “I like you.”
Eddie chuckled, smiling at him.
“I mean, obviously. You’re my best friend. But, what I mean is—”
“I know.”
Buck closed his mouth with a click, looking at Eddie’s every expression.
Did he? Did he know why Buck was here? This wasn’t just him doing his Most for a friend, this was him risking the two most important relationships in his life outside of his family for the chance to make them part of it—officially.
This was him with a shaking arm up, bearing his heart, and hoping Eddie would take it.
Crickets sang as they breathed in the same air for the first time in months, as they looked at each other as if no one was sure this was real and was happening, it wasn’t a dream or a daydream.
Lured by that thought, he leaned in, giving Eddie just a peck, chaste like they were in high school and this was their first time kissing anybody, mistletoe or not.
Eddie blinked, smiling bright and wide at him as his cheeks turned pink.
He put a hand on Buck’s face, gently cradling his cheek.
Eddie put his other hand on Buck’s bicep, making him keep his arm up, giving him needed support as his arm had started to tremble and pain had flared up with the effort of keeping it up above their heads.
Caressing Buck’s cheek with his thumb, Eddie leaned in, kissing him softly with a confidence Buck was swallowing with each movement the other man made as he gently deepened the kiss with a caress of his tongue over Buck’s lips.
His mouth opened almost immediately, taking in a deep breath through his nose, his free hand finding some backing on Eddie’s waist to avoid falling with how weak and tender his entire body felt.
Eddie’s hand caressed his bicep, then up his arm until he reached his wrist, pulling down slowly until their hands were locked together, fingers laced between their chests, over hammering hearts.
When they went apart, they didn’t go far.
Buck leaned his forehead on Eddie’s, smiling against his lips as their breathing synced again after weeks of being away.
A part of him didn’t want to open his eyes, afraid he’d wake up alone in Maddie’s couch after another sleepless night at Eddie’s place, the want haunting his every step, the need to see his friend and act on his feelings every day heavier in his heart.
He also wanted to just see him, that other part of him held onto Eddie’s hand and waist, squeezing there and making him laugh.
Buck’s eyes opened at the sound, wanting to see that.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Eddie said, Buck blinked. “And neither are you.”
“Okay…”
Eddie took a step back, taking in all of Buck, eyes going up and down slowly, his smile becoming bigger before their eyes met again.
“You need a shower.”
He snorted, nodding as he laughed. “Yeah…”
“Come on in.” Eddie pulled him by their joined hands, mistletoe forgotten on the ground.
Buck went willingly, still floating with the butterflies fluttering in his chest and stomach, until he felt a jolt that stopped him in his tracks, Eddie with a step into his house.
“Wait—” He pulled Eddie back and the man turned around. “Eddie,”
“Buck?”
“I love you.” He finally said.
The man smiled at him, moving his head to one side and walking back into his space.
“Yeah, I can tell.” He murmured, this time cradling his face with both hands before kissing him again, this time shorter but followed by another kiss and another, three and fourth as Eddie walked backwards into the house, making him follow with his hands on his waist. “I love you,” Eddie said and punctuated with another kiss.
Buck kissed him back with the same want that fueled him through the long trip he made that day just to have this. He would’ve gone anywhere, really, he would’ve gotten into a plane even, whatever, just to reach Eddie and kiss him.
The handsomest man in the world and nobody had kissed him under a mistletoe? Not on his watch. Whatever excuse was good just to finally, finally do this.
He wrapped his arms around him after Eddie put his around his shoulders, standing inside as they kissed and stayed there, breathing the same air, mouths against the other, until they were just hugging, breathing the other in.
“I missed you, bud.” Eddie murmured against his neck, Buck swallowed and smiled. “Especially today, don’t ever do that again.”
“It was a surprise!” Buck defended, looking at his face when they separated. “It was romantic!”
“Roman—” Eddie laughed, shaking his head.
He walked away to close the door and put the locks on, Buck watched him as he turned off the light from outside then turned around to see him.
“Alright,” Eddie started, Buck blinked at him. “I admit…” He said, walking deeper into the house, making Buck follow him as they passed the dining room and stayed standing in front of the hallway to the bedrooms. “You were right.”
“About…?”
“Mistletoe is not so bad.”
Buck rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he smiled and walked closer to his friend.
Boyfriend?
“Uh, does—does that mean, I get this first, right?” He said, sounding lame even to himself.
“Uhm?”
“Uh…” He could feel his face heat up. Buck looked down at his shoes for a moment, then back up at Eddie. “The mistletoe kiss… it was your first.”
“Yeah?”
“And—” He swallowed again, from where the hell was he getting this much saliva? “A kiss with a—with a guy, it’s also the first…” He said softly, if they weren’t this close he wouldn’t be surprised Eddie wouldn’t have been able to hear him. “Right?”
Eddie arched an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest as he narrowed his eyes at Buck.
“Buck.” He said, voice firm. “You came here because my sisters keep trying to make me flirt with men.”
It wasn’t a question either.
Buck gestured with his hands to express nothing, his brain was suddenly hit with how tired he was and how much he was panicking at being seen this clear, like he had everything written on his forehead.
“Men that aren't you.” Eddie added, making his mouth close. “Oh, don’t give me those eyes…”
“What—” He chuckled nervously. “No, no! I mean—I just remembered you said you, you haven’t and I thought to ask—“
“Quite acting dumb, I know you’re jealous.” He smirked, looking at him. Buck’s mouth opened again but nothing came out, instead Eddie’s eyes and entire face softened. The smirk became a smile and his arms uncrossed. “That was the point…”
The confession floated in the space between them, Buck closed the distance and pretty much threw himself at Eddie, arms wrapping around his neck as the man yelped at the sudden weight on him.
He held Buck strong, bodies fitting perfectly. Just like he’d fantasized before.
“Idiot.” Buck murmured in his ear.
Eddie relaxed against his body, arms around his middle. “I’m your idiot.”
Buck smiled again, it seemed like it was the only thing he knew how to do now. He looked at Eddie, about to say more when a door opened in the hallway and both looked back at it.
Chris’ messy curls were short again, it was the first thing Buck noticed as the kid peeked his head out of his bedroom, looking at the scene in front of him.
“Dad…?” He said, then his sleepy eyes landed on Buck and he pushed the door open fully. “Buck!”
“Hey, buddy!” Buck smiled, letting go of Eddie to meet Christopher in the hallway and hug him after the boy opened his arms to him. “I missed you!”
Chris palmed his back as usual, but this time it didn’t feel as gentle as it used to—he was stronger, older, slowly getting taller and taller, no longer the sweet baby that once went with them on calls while asking Bobby for the meaning of everything in the engine and the ambulance.
He passed a hand through his curls, the kid giggled at the little pull when his fingers scratched at his head slightly.
“What are you doing here?” Chris asked, then took a couple of steps forward. “Dad, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t know either!”
Christopher looked back at Buck and he smiled. “Surprise!” He sang, making the boy snort.
“You’re silly!” He said. “Are you staying for Christmas?”
It was two days away and Maddie was going to kill him, but—he looked at Eddie, the man nodded at him with the sweetest smile he'd ever seen, and Buck’s heart jumped happily in his chest.
“Yeah, man.” He answered Chris. “It’s not Christmas without my best friends!”
The boy giggled, for a moment it sounded like he was that little kid at the firehouse of so many years ago again, and Eddie passed his hand through Chris’ hair, making him look up at him.
“Why are you awake, anyway?” Eddie asked. “I thought you were tired.”
“Well, I was… until you two decided to murmur” he made quotations with his fingers, “the loudest you could…” He said, sighing after. “I was just checking on you.”
“Sorry we woke you up,” Eddie said, kissing the top of Chris’ head with that loud mwah Buck now identified as Eddie’s. “Time for bed, it’s Nochebuna tonight.”
“Oh, yeah.” Chris palmed Buck’s chest as he walked back into his room. “Hope you brought your best clothes, Buck. Las tías don’t play about Nochebuena.”
“Uh?” He looked at Eddie, the man winked at him.
“Christmas dinner is on the 24th, remember.” He said and something in Buck’s head clicked, unlocking that fun fact. “And it’s at abuela’s after she goes to church, so it’s fancy and we eat until midnight.”
“Really?” He felt breathless. “Why midnight?”
“Jesus’ birth!” Chris said from his door, “You are gonna have fun, kiddo.” The boy nodded his way, a mischievous look on his face. “Don’t worry, I’ll translate the gossip for you.”
Buck looked at Eddie, the man gave him the same mischievous look.
“Okay…” He said.
“Good night!” Christopher waved at him.
Buck smiled back. “Good night, bud. Sleep well!”
“Sleep well, mijo.” Eddie put a hand in the small of his back, watching Chris get into his room and close the door. “Mis tías te van a comer vivo.” He said, looking back at Buck.
“UH?” He blinked. “What?”
“Nothing, sweetheart.” He moved in front of Buck, hands on his waist. “You must be tired.”
“Eddie…” He cleared his throat. “Look, I know Chris is doing great here and you probably want to be closer to your family, and—I just want to tell you that… I’m not going to ask you to come back or something.” He said. “Honestly? I didn’t even think this through, I just couldn’t keep this to myself.”
The man nodded.
Buck blinked, looking around his face trying to find—something. Anything, whatever.
“Ammm, I mean—” Buck swallowed for god knows what time in the night. “Are we…?”
“Are we…” Eddie repeated softly.
“You know…” Buck frowned slightly. “Are we, are we together now? Are we dating?”
Was he expecting too much? Eddie had said he loved him, he believed he loved Buck the same way when he said so. Did he assume more than what it was? They were twelve hours apart without getting detours as Buck did today, asking Eddie to drop everything for LA felt…
Like exactly what he wanted—but, but he would never do that. Just like Eddie would never do that to him.
“Uhmmm…” Eddie moved his head to one side. “I’d say take a guy out first, but then again, when was the last time you paid anything when we went out?”
“Hey!” His chest hurt. “That’s not fair, those weren’t dates! If they were then, then we’ve been dating for years!”
“Shhh…” Eddie put a finger over his lips. “The kid’s trying to sleep!” His hand landed on his shoulder, the other went to his chest, pulling at his shirt as he walked backwards again. “What I'm saying is—we’ve been doing… things backwards. We raised a kid together first, gave each other keys to our places, then went out on dates, said the big three words before officially dating and now we’re finally kissing… Yes, Buck. We’re together.”
“Oh, uhmmm…” He leaned in, kissing Eddie’s lips hard, arms around his neck, pushing him to keep walking backwards. “So I can tell Maddie,” he kissed him again, a loud peck, “that I’m spending Christmas with my boyfriend?”
Eddie’s hand was suddenly at the back of his head, fingers locked in the hair there. He kissed Buck hard, almost desperately, making them stop walking as they moved their lips together, unaware of the time and where they were standing.
“Yes.” Eddie said, kissing him again. His other hand cradled Buck’s face, thumb caressing his cheek gently. “I love you,” Another hard peck. “I love you so much—” Another kiss, Buck opened his mouth and moaned softly into Eddie’s mouth as the man kissed him possessively—
A door opened loudly.
They looked at each other, lips making a loud click as they separated.
Buck looked back first, frozen in place as Christopher gave him a look.
“Son,” Eddie looked at the boy, face red—the reddest Buck had ever seen it, “We—It’s not—”
“I heard it.” He said, looking tired. Glasses on. “Everything.” He blinked once. “Loudly.”
“I’m so sorry, Chris—”
“Can you two go be in love somewhere else so I can sleep?”
“Yes—I’m so sorry, mijo.” Eddie swallowed visibly. “Are you… are you okay with—this? Us?”
Christopher blinked several times, a confused expression on his face.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” He sighed after. “Yeah, dad. Of course. I love you both.”
Buck smiled at the boy, watching Eddie get closer and hug him. Christopher wrapped his long arms around his father, face against his chest, big smile on his face. His eyes opened, looking at Buck.
The boy lifted his arm towards him, “Come on.”
He immediately went in, holding them both in a bear hug, any fear and doubt left in him suddenly gone.
Oh, getting lost, driving all day and peeing in the weirdest places for a day was absolutely worth it.
“I missed you two.” He couldn’t help but murmur.
Eddie passed his arm to his back, caressing it gently with his thumb.
“Now you let me sleep, please…”
Buck chuckled, looking at the boy as they separated. “Sorry about that, bud.”
“It’s fineeeee…” He sighed. “But you have a room,” Christopher reminded his father. “Use it!”
“Yes, boss.” Eddie saluted him. “Hey…” He smiled at his son. “We can talk more about this in the morning, yeah?” Chris nodded. “I love you.”
“I love you, dad.” He said, then looked at Buck. “I love you, too.”
He couldn’t help but smile wide and bright. “I love you, bud.” He sighed. “Sleep tight.”
“Good night! For the last time!” Christopher said, getting inside his bedroom and closing the door.
Eddie sighed, making him look back. They stared at each other for long seconds, until someone laughed and Eddie was taking his hand, guiding him to his bedroom in front of Christopher’s.
“You’re right, his mood swings are nasty.” Buck laughed, shaking his head as Eddie opened the door.
“Mhm, wait until you see the mood he wakes up in every morning now…”
Buck laughed, then a voice from the other room: “I heard that, too!”
They two snorted, laughing loudly as Eddie pushed him to the bedroom. “Sorry!” The man said. “Go to sleep!”
“FINE!” They heard and the light in Christopher’s bedroom went off, making Eddie close the door as they laughed together, Buck’s duffle and their mistletoe forgotten in the night.
***
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