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Ed was not going to lose to a motherfucking bird. He had fucking planned for this. He’d fucking waited, his whole future hinged on the timing of a fucking bird.
And the goddamn bastard bird was not cooperating!
A little over a year ago (fourteen months but who was counting and salty as shit at a bird? Not Ed!) he had lost his keys. Not itself an unusual thing, but it was his personal set, with the stupid little keychain that was a gift from his mom. He’d sweated about it and hoped it was the kind of deal where he’d find it when he flipped his couch over to vacuum under it, which he totally always did as a functioning adult. Ok, fine, he had never done it once but he believed if he did, he’d find his keys and all of his really good pens, the ones with the nice glide.
Of course, he knew now that they’d fallen out of his pocket and been stolen by a particularly robust asshole of a bird. And it had resulted in a swagless, anxious, beautifully dorky man returning his keys and stealing Ed’s heart in the process.
After a few months (two was a few, right?) Ed had moved in with Stede. And Jeff, the asshole bird in question, had reveled in stealing Ed’s shit. Those really nice pens (some of which had been in the couch) had been an early victim. The first two, Stede had returned with an incredulous laugh and a peck on the cheek. “Jeff must like you,” he teased.
The third pen was violently deconstructed, returned to Stede in components of springs and nibs. “Oh dear,” his sweet boyfriend had laughed. “Jeff, dear, please don’t do that. I would hate for them to cause you harm.” Ed had glowered at Stede rubbing the bird’s chin, when Ed had been the one hurt. Fuckin bird. And sure, Ed got his kisses later, but still. It was the principle!
The hair ties were the next victim. Ed didn’t mind so much with the plain black ones he bought in bulk. It was hard to be sure that it was the bird stealing those anyway considering how often Ed lost them and broke them. And plenty of that happened outside. Stede loved dining outside when they could, and to be fair his backyard was a beautiful oasis. There were also plenty of times that Stede had taken Ed’s hair down outside, including more than once that he’d done it before using Ed’s mouth. His sweet dorky man was a bit of a kinky fuck at times and goddamn did Ed love that shit.
Which was probably how the bird had gotten Ed’s favorite purple velvet scrunchie with the cute fucking rhinestones. It had been a gift from Stede, and Ed had been pissed to find it hanging from the fucking bird’s nest.
He’d immediately googled how long crows live. Seven to ten years? There was no information that Jeff--the main dick offender--was old, either. So Ed decided to take some matters into his own hands.
Within a week, Ed had convinced Stede to stop at a shelter “for fun” and ensured they left with a sleek beautiful black cat, not quite a year old. Ed had hoped that the cat would in the least make the bird fucks less bold about stealing his shit. Stede wasn’t completely naive about Ed’s plotting; he raised a brow when Ed named the cat Ripley. “You got a whole murder of killers out there, babe. She’s gonna need all the help she can get!”
Stede had laughed, kissed him, and…well, they’d gotten distracted from there.
To his credit, Stede made sure Ed felt loved, felt important. How could Ed not feel it, when Stede lit up when Ed entered the room? When he whispered his devotion into every inch of Ed’s skin? When he loved Ed so well, through every rough mood and every up-and-down of his career? When he let Ed be soft, and loved him just as well? Stede was attuned to Ed’s moods, including his annoyance at the bird, but Stede was more amused than anything else. “I wonder if he just likes you a little too well?” Stede teased.
So, Ed had hoped that Ripley would be on his side. And, at first, the birds seemed cautious when he brought her out, introducing her to the (safely fenced) backyard domain. And when she was fascinated by the birds, Ed had hopes.
Then he’d found Jeff grooming a purring fucking Ripley.
The cat was leaning into the bird’s preening, purring up a storm. She hopped off the perch and Jeff followed, both of them walking across the yard, to where Ripley offered up one of her sparkle toys, batting it at the bird.
It didn’t take long for shit inside the house to start going missing, carted out to the fucking birds by their feline accomplice. Her toys were an early sign, and frankly, Ed had been thankful. At least if it was her toys, they were leaving his shit alone. That lasted a little while before Ripley started finding other shit to take out of the house.
“How the fuck did she get the fuckin usb dongle for my mouse,” Ed groused as an apologetic Stede handed him the purple plastic bit. It had been in his laptop bag, intended to go back to his office again! The fuckin thief!
“I mean, I suppose there’s an irony in her hunting mice?” Stede offered a smile. “I’m so sorry my darling.”
And, okay, it was hard to maintain frustration when Stede was taking such good care pampering Ed. So he’d sort of forgotten about it for a couple of hours, as well as any higher brain function when Stede did that thing with his fingers. But the next morning, he went to put his hair up and found his favorite scrunchie (the replacement from Stede) stolen. Again.
Sometimes he didn’t realize it was missing until Stede was gifted something. That was the case with the left earbud from his favorite purple set. Twice. Stede had huffed a little laugh and given the bird a soft rub against his chest and then down his feathers. “You little monster,” he had said affectionately to Jeff after the second occurrence. “I’m so sorry my darling,” that, at least, was pointed at Ed.
“Probably shouldn’t give him affection after he’s a shit,” Ed grumped.
Stede pouted, rubbing the happy bird on the chest and chin. “He doesn’t really know better, and I don’t want him to stop bringing gifts.”
Ed had wanted to protest, reaching over for his boyfriend, when Jeff cawed loudly, flapping his wings aggressively at Ed. “The fuck!” Ed grumbled. “It’s my fuckin earbud, asshole!’
“He’s just a little territorial,” Stede stroked down the bird’s chest and ruff. Ed could’ve sworn there was fucking side eye from the bird as he puffed up into Stede’s caresses. “Go on Jeff. Thank you for the gift.” He passed the pecked up earbud to Ed in front of the bird who gave a grumbly craw.
Of course, the bastard of a bird wasn’t content to just steal Ed’s shit. He’d also had the worst fucking timing of delivering his gifts. Like when they had Alma and Louis over for dinner. The kids were tentative around Ed; both were adults in their own rights, clearly uncomfortable with the idea of their father dating a man. Alma had brought her partner, a broad shouldered, stormy eyed nonbinary person named Aspen, although Lou had come alone. He had done his best to charm them, plying them with cocktails and mocktails (Lou was driving) and teasing stories about his own time in academia. He had just earned a rare smile from Alma when Jeff butted in.
And of course the kids knew the fucking birds. That wasn’t a big surprise. But the surprise was when Jeff hopped down to offer a gift to Ed. Jeff’s ‘gifts’ were exclusively for Stede, of course, but he’d stopped leaving them in a spot, preferring to give the gifts in person. Probably for the return scritches Stede always gave him to his neck and chest.
So Ed was shocked when Jeff hopped over to him, something shiny in his beak. It was the first time Jeff had offered Ed anything. He shot Stede an excited glance, and his blonde bombshell boyfriend nodded enthusiastically. Ed reached forward and the bird dropped something shiny foil in his hand before flying off with a throaty croa.
Leaving Ed with a foil package. He turned it over in his hand only to realize, belatedly, what it was.
A condom wrapper.
Just the wrapper.
It was a fucking “Holiday Flavor-ite!” according to the outside of the package. Ed felt his skin go violently red. “This isn’t mine!”
“Sure looks like it’s yours,” Alma snickered. “He gave it back to you, after all.”
“No, no, I don’t use these.”
Lou was the one who cocked an eyebrow. “I don’t think we need to hear that you’re being unsafe with our father.”
“No! Fuck, no, I mean…not that….” he looked at Stede pleadingly. The handsome blonde had his lips pinched tightly between his teeth, trying not to laugh. “Help?”
To his credit, Stede stepped in. “What happens in our private life is not an issue, and I assure you we’re all safe, sane, and consenting. Besides, I think you know I would never abandon a wrapper outside of a proper trash can!”
Somehow the idea of their father littering was what broke the kids into a riot of laughter. “Oh god, Dad would never,” Lou wheezed. “You remember that picnic? With the parchment paper?”
Alma howled laughter in response. Then, to Ed’s surprise, she turned to Ed and Aspen. “He’d wrapped sandwiches in parchment paper and then when the wind picked up, it blew away. Dad kept chasing it and chasing it, even though it kept blowing further away.” They had all laughed over the memory and it had, somehow, broken the tension. By the end of the night, Lou and Alma had given Ed back slapping hugs and Alma had even joked “I guess we call you what…Pop Pop?”
It had panned out, thankfully. But Ed had never forgiven Jeff for the awkwardness. And it hadn’t even been their condom! Stede would never have stood for a flavored condom, given how well he loved to taste Ed’s skin. A fact he had reminded Ed of just that morning, much to both of their enjoyment. Still, Alma had gifted them a pack of the condoms over the holidays, much to everyone’s mirth. And it had only been slightly awkward.
The point was, the birds--Jeff especially--were experienced at stealing shit from Ed. Fucking adored stealing Ed’s shit. So when he’d known he wanted to ask Stede to marry him, he knew exactly how he wanted it to go. He’d get the bird to steal a ring, give it to Stede, and then Ed would go down on one knee and ask him to marry him. Stede would cry and say yes and it’d be perfect. Simple as.
So the one time he wanted them to take something, they fucking wouldn’t!
The thing was, he wasn’t going to take a risk with the real ring. He’d wanted to keep it on him, but given Stede’s penchant for stripping him nude in order to do unspeakable, delightful things, it seemed wiser to find a better spot. So, he’d gone to fucking lengths to hide that shit in his wallet, in a specially crafted box with a thin profile. He’d read every blog post and watched every video he could find and then spent a fuckin long, confusing conversation with Stede’s ornithologist friend (or at least he assumed the guy was an ornithology? Nobody who didn’t study birds had any business knowing or caring so much about them). He’d had to bribe Buttons with a pricy bottle of scotch and listened to him ramble about the sea for nearly an hour before he’d started talking about the birds. And even then, it was a reminder that they liked shiny things, no bigger than a keychain.
So, rather than risk the real ring, he’d bought a damn thirty pack of ring pops. He’d started leaving them anywhere he could think of in the neighborhood to get the damn birds interested. There was a short retaining wall a couple blocks over where he’d left some, much to the confusion of the woman who lived there, apparently. He’d explained to her that he was trying to propose to his boyfriend, and she had explained, sadly, that she’d thrown them out since her three year old kept trying to eat them after they’d drawn the attention of insects. There was the park a few blocks the other way where he’d left them by trees and behind benches. He’d gone through the first pack in a week and then, excited, he’d waited.
And the birds hadn’t fucking taken the bait.
He’d bought another fucking bag and tried to find all manner of other areas to hide them. All over the bloody fuckin town it felt like. It was hard as fuck to find the time and the excuses because once Ed started taking walks, his gorgeous, sweet boyfriend had started offering to come along. Which Ed would have loved in any other circumstance. He loved spending time with Stede in every way shape and form. He’d always choose Stede first.
Except for the fuckass bird. When Ed went near Stede, Jeff started fucking divebombing him, making that loud croaking screech. He screamed, trying to duck under the angry raking talons of the damn bird. “What the fuck,” Ed hissed on the third day that the dickfucking jerkass bird attacked him on his walk with Stede.
“I have no idea what’s come over him!” Stede was at least upset on Ed’s behalf. “Jeff! What in the world!” Ed ducked back inside, trying to avoid the damn bird. Jeff immediately seemed to calm, landing next to Stede who started strolling him gently down his back. “Why are you being so cruel to Ed, Jeff? He’s always been lovely to you?”
Ed watched, eyes narrowing, as Stede stroked down the bird’s chest, scritching him there like he did with Ripley. “Um. Babe?”
“Hmm?” Stede didn’t turn, stroking down the bird’s chest.
“Do you always pet him like that?” Ed asked, watching the bird basically puffing up his chest in excitement.
“Yes?” Stede’s voice was confused. “Why?”
“Um, did Buttons talk to you about petting birds?” he watched the other murderous flock (which generally was more chill with him than fucking Jeff) settle in their favorite tree as Stede stroked the primary fuckin offender.
His boyfriend looked at him with a cocked brow. “He told me to pet gently, only if they allow or like it, that sort of thing. Is there something I don’t know, darling?”
“Because he told me a lot about birds. Including a lot of don’t’s. Like don’t pet below the head because it’s a grooming behavior with mates?” He folded his arms, raising his eyebrows at his boyfriend, waiting for the cute blonde to get it. “Jeff is being territorial of you. Because he thinks he’s your boyfriend.”
Stede looked shocked, fingers still on Jeff’s breast. “Oh. Oh dear! But…well that does explain some things.”
“Like Jeff fuckin’ attacking me? Being territorial of you?” Ed offered, leaning against the door, arms folded. He caught the flicker of Stede’s eyes down to Ed’s tattooed arms, folded against his chest, and the tiny movement as he licked his lips. Fuck yea, still got it Teach…Teach-Bonnet? He pulled his focus back to the conversation at hand and away from the flash of hunger in Stede’s eyes.
Stede took his hand away from the bird. “Well, yes. And also all the rings he keeps bringing me.”
Ed felt his arms fall in shock. “Fucking. What.”
Stede, oblivious, made a soft mm hmm, heading over to the small empty bird bath he’d bought them and never filled. He left the birds little treats there, and they left their offerings in return. Ed had considered leaving the ring there but he’d been afraid the birds would actually steal the real fucking ring. Stede lifted up the plate Ed had no fucking clue was hinged, showing off a full dozen of Ed’s ring pops. Some were chewed up by something else, the candy “gem” gone. Others had the candy ring entire still. There was even one of the fucking ring candy wrappers! “Are. You. Kidding me,” Ed snarled, stomping at the stupid fucking collection, forgetting Jeff’s behavior entirely.
His adorable boyfriend looked bemused at him, eyeing Ed’s ire. “Darling? Is something wrong?”
Ed forgot the secrecy, forgot the picture perfect proposal Stede deserved. “I have been trying to get one of these dicks to bring you a ring pop for weeks so that I could…” shit. Shit. He hadn’t meant to say that!
Stede was frozen, eyes enormous, and then his lips twitched in a smile. He grabbed one of the stray rings and, to Ed’s shock and horror, started to bend at the knee. “Edward Teach.”
“I swear to god, love, if you beat me to the punch with my own set up, I’m gonna insist we go by ‘Teach Bonnet’ instead of alphabetical order,” he threatened, holding up a single finger.
Stede laughed, easing back up and steepling his fingers. “Oh well then. Go ahead.”
Ed fished out his wallet and grabbed the ring from where he’d hidden it in its slim box. But suddenly, with the small loop in his fingers, he wasn’t sure what to say. “Stede…I…” he foundered, unsure, and suddenly so frustrated as tears pricked in his eyes.
His boyfriend’s hands closed over Ed’s, and his soft smile healed things Ed hadn’t known were even broken in him. “From the heart, darling?”
Ed nodded and took a deep breath before beginning again. “Stede. I have been in love with you…since before I met you, it feels like. I…have never felt as much myself as I feel when I’m with you. If that makes any sense at all. I feel like I’m fucking this up, shit I shoulda planned more.”
When he looked up, Stede was openly crying, tears running down his cheeks. “No, darling, you’re doing grand. Keep going.”
“I’ve been wanting to propose to you…fuck, since our third date?”
The blonde cocked a brow, “Wasn’t that when you threatened to ‘break a kneecap’ to get down to suck my dick?”
Ed couldn’t help the giggle. “And you insisted on putting a pillow down first. I remember very well.” He winked, “You don’t let a dick like that go without excellent reason.” Stede whacked his arm playfully and Ed felt painfully fond of him. “It wasn’t because your dick--athough that shit is top notch--or because your dick sucking skills in return although, again--”
“Top notch?” Stede teased.
“Absolutely,” Ed insisted. “But it was because you always yes-and every joke. You always know what I need, even when I have no clue. You always see me. But more than anything, I can’t imagine waking up without you. Even if,” he couldn’t help it, “you cheated on me with a bird.”
“I didn’t mean to be Jeff’s husband!” Stede pouted playfully. “I’ll have to figure out bird divorce. God bird-alimony is going to bankrupt me.”
“Meanwhile, I’m stuck here with the reputation of a nest-wrecker,” Ed grinned. “And nobody even said yes.”
Stede threw his arms around Ed. “Yes, you…you loon.” He pressed frantic, sweet kisses down Ed’s neck, as if he fucking knew how it made Ed’s bones melt (he fucking did, the bastard, fuck Ed loved him). Ed turned his head, pulling Stede into a deep, passionate kiss, letting his need, his love for Stede come through that way.
“I love you,” he said against his fiance’s lips.
“I love you,” Stede replied, kissing him firmly. “I love you, Ed. My fiance. I can’t wait for you to be my husband, my love.”
“How fast d’you think we could get to the courthouse tomorrow?” Ed teased and Stede’s sweet giggles warmed him through.