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“Welcome to my Christmas party, everyone!” Lara announced the crowd with a wine glass on her hand. “Please enjoy yourselves, and no stealing my artifacts this time!”
“Your artifacts?” Bartoli argued. “You stole them all from us in the first place!”
“We’re not gonna argue about this again, Bartoli…” Lara said, trying to keep her cool.
“He has a point, though.” Sophia Leigh chimed in.
“People, remember Christmas is all about loving even your worst enemies.” Lara reminded them.
“So when it’s over, we’ll go back to trying to get revenge!” Willard said and all of Lara’s enemies agreed.
“And you’ll fail, of course. But anyway, how about some nice christmassy carols to lighten up the mood? Winston, that’s your cue!” Lara announced, but all she was met with was silence and awkward coughing. “Ahem, Winston. I said that’s your cue…!”
Lara looked at the corner where she found an empty piano seat, that’s when she realized and she facepalmed herself. “Oh, damn it, I forgot to take Winston out of the freezer again! Why don’t you all wait here and chatter while I go defrost him?” Lara said as she quickly descended down the stairs. “Zip, you play the piano in the meantime.”
“Me? I don’t even know how to play!” He replied from across the main hall.
“You’ve played Piano Tiles before, I’m sure you’ll do fine.”
“It’s not the same!” Zip argued but Lara was already off to the kitchen. He stood there as the guests looked at him like he was fresh meat. “Uhh, hey guys. What do you think of the… decorations?”
“Hey, now that Lara’s gone, we should use this chance to barge into her trophy room!” Amanda suggested and everyone agreed.
“Woah there missy, no one’s barging into any restricted rooms on my watch!” Zip said defensively.
“What are you gonna do, geek?” Amanda mocked.
“I’ll show you what this geek can do!” Zip went to the piano and started mashing random keys, creating an annoying melody that everyone hated as they covered their ears.
“Make it stop!!!” Eckhardt said, his nephilim ears too sensitive to the sound.
“Don’t fret, everyone, I got Winston and he’ll be defrosted in no time.” Lara came back and she was pushing a big block of ice in which Winston was trapped. She put him close to the fireplace and the ice began to melt quickly. When he was free, he tumbled and almost fell but Lara caught him. “Sorry about that Winston, but we have a lot of guests to entertain so if you please would play that piano.”
“Yes… Miss Croft…” Winston said as he weakly went to sit by the piano while shaking.
“I’m surprised the old geezer is still alive from all the abuse he goes through with that mad woman.” Rutland whispered to his girlfriend Amanda who nodded in agreement.
Soon, the Christmas tunes were playing and everyone was trying to have a good time by mingling, eating snacks and discussing possible scenarios about how they could sabotage the party. Lara decided to check on some of her guests. She saw Anaya and Toru Nishimura by the snack buffet and Nishimura was stuffing his face with everything he found. “Hey guys, enjoying the party?”
“Sure thing, Lara. But are you sure inviting your enemies was a good idea?” Anaya asked and pointed a thumb at Amanda nearby who was making out with Rutland. “Especially them?”
“Since I have very few friends, this party would be quite empty without all my enemies.”
“Now that you mention it, you do have very few friends.”
“Yeah but I’m sure this party will bring us all together as a big loving family!” Lara said hugging herself, but Anaya only gave her an incredulous look. “Ok maybe not.”
“Who made these cupcakes? They are divine!” Nishimura asked while munching on a Christmas tree themed cupcake.
“Me, of course. I’m kind of a pastry chef myself.” Lara said proudly.
“They’re absolutely delicious.” Nishimura then bit something hard and pulled out of his mouth something white. “Oh, and it even has popcorn in it!”
“Oh, I forgot to mention Winston also helped making them. Anyway, keep enjoying yourselves, and don’t eat too much, there’s still the Christmas dinner together later!” Lara said and walked away.
Nishimura had a horrified expression on his face. “Did she just say Winston helped her make the cupcakes?”
Anaya seemed disgusted. “Yeah, and I’m pretty sure what you’re holding is not any kind of popcorn.”
Nishimura threw up all over the floor.
Lara went to talk to Sophia and Natla who were drinking wine in the corner while whispering to each other. “Mind if you spill the tea, ladies? Just kidding.” Lara laughed.
They just rolled their eyes. “We were just discussing… your interesting choice in decorations.” Sophia replied with a sassy smirk.
“Oh yeah? What’s up with them?” Lara asked.
“They are very… bright. They hurt my eyes.”
“Well, Christmas is supposed to be bright and colorful!” Lara said.
“In Atlantis we celebrate Christmas by sacrificing children to the queen of Atlantis, also known as me.” Natla chimed in and Lara gasped.
“You wouldn’t be so cruel! …No actually, you would. But why?!”
“Because their young innocent souls make for good skin care cream.”
“OMG you’re into skincare too?” Sophia asked. “Girl, you have to share some of that kid soul cream and in exchange I will share my optimal pubic hair removal technique using only a cheese grater.”
“Of course bestie.”
“You two are horrible from both inside and out, but I shouldn’t be surprised. Anyway, enjoy the party, I guess.” Lara gave them one last weird look and walked away.
But then she bumped into someone and almost dropped her wine. “Oh sorr- Oh, it’s you, Larson.”
“Oh Lara, what a surprise! Life always finds a way to make us run into each other quite often eh?” Larson said with a flirty tone.
“Considering I invited you to my party and we’re ALL in the main hall. Yep, the possibilities of running into each other were practically 0.001%.” Lara said sarcastically.
“Always so sassy, Lara. I like that~.”
“Oh puh-lease Larson, don’t even begin.”
“Hey, is that what I think it is?” Larson pointed up.
“Huh?” Lara looked up to find a mistletoe hanging from one of her chandeliers. “Hmm, I don’t remember putting that up there…”
“It certainly wasn’t me.” Larson shrugged and wiped off some mistletoe leaves off his shoulder. “But no matter who did, it would be rude to ignore the tradition, don’t you thi-“
He jumped when Lara pulled out her pistol and shot the mistletoe out of existence. “There we go. So, would you like some punch?”
“Now you want to punch me? Fine, bring it on.” He got ready to fight.
“No, I meant-“
Just then, the main doors burst open and in came Kurtis Trent, letting in some of the cold air from outside. He was covered in snow. “Lara, I came as fast as I could.”
“Kurtis!” Lara ran to him and hugged him. “What took you so long?”
Larson looked at the pair from where he stood and clenched his fists. “Grrr, who’s that dude and why is he stealing my chick?”
“I was on my way, but then a snowstorm came out of nowhere and attacked me. But I pushed through it and now I’m here.” Kurtis said epically.
“No wonder you’re shaking so much! Here, stand by the fire and I’ll bring you a coat.” Lara guided him to the fireplace where Larson was too.
“Thanks, Lara. I couldn’t disappoint you by not coming to your party.”
“Aww so romantic and cheesy.” Larson said in a mocking tone.
“Um, hey again Larson. This is my friend Kurtis. Kurtis, this is my old tomb raiding partner Larson.” Lara introduced them awkwardly.
“So this is the guy who betrayed you and worked for Natla?” Kurtis asked, getting angry.
“Yes but he’s learned from his mistakes and now we’ve become good friends… kinda. Right, Larson?” Lara said.
“Yes, very good friends. Did you know she took me to the movies one time? How many times has she taken you to the movies?” Larson asked Kurtis.
“How many times do I have to tell you it wasn’t a movie?” Lara said. “It was a documental on ancient Egyptian mythology and you fell asleep during the entirety of it.”
“Ha!” Kurtis snorted.
“I’ll go get a coat, you two stay here and chat.” Lara left for her bedroom. When she returned, however, Kurtis was gone and Larson was drinking glass after glass of wine. “Where’s Kurtis?”
“Who cares.” Larson replied and gulped another cup.
“Lara Croft, get your ass in here right now!!!” She heard Kurtis call from the dining room. She immediately went there.
“Calm down, Kurtis, I have your coat.” She tried to put it on him but he rejected it.
“What’s the meaning of this?” He asked and pointed at the dinner table.
“What, you don’t like the decorations either? Ugh, you’re just like that snob Sophia-“
“I mean the people who are sitting at the table!” Kurtis said angrily and Lara looked at the whole cabal members who were sitting there chatting: Eckhardt, Muller, Karel, Boaz, Gunderson and Janice. “Lara, why did you invite them, especially Eckhardt?! That man murdered my father!”
“Kurtis, I know they did terrible things in the past but today is- Wait a minute, JANICE?!” Lara spotted her sitting next to Gunderson casually smoking a cigarette and she stormed towards her. “Janice, what are you doing here with THEM!?” She pointed a finger accusingly.
“Move along, ma chère.” Janice replied nonchalantly.
“Don’t you move-along-ma-chère me!” She grabbed Janice by the arm and made her stand up. “How could they convince you to join their sick organization? You are better than this! Even for a prostitute.”
“Shhh!” Janice hushed Lara and excused herself from the group before dragging Lara to a corner where they could talk. “Écoute moi, ma chère, I’m not actually working for them. Do you see the tall, bald hottie sitting next to Eckhardt?” She motioned to said person.
“Gunderson? Yeah, that’s his bodyguard, what about him?” Lara asked.
“Well, turns out he’s into BDSM and is secretly a masochist, so he’s hired me to become his personal dominatrix for a whole month! And he pays nicely.” Janice said with a smirk. “But I swear I’m not involved in their boring schemes at all.”
“I certainly hope that’s true. Those people are not to be trusted. And yet I invited them…” Lara muttered the last part.
“You don’t have to worry about a thing, chérie. I have that man wrapped around my little finger, literally. See?” Janice showed Lara her hand and, indeed, it was wrapped with a leash that was connected to Gunderson's neck.
“I see, alright.” Lara said and saw that Kurtis was arguing with Eckhardt. “I gotta stop him before he causes a scene…”
“Admit it, you killed my father!” Kurtis yelled at Eckhardt.
“I did not kill your daddy.” Eckhardt replied casually.
“That’s enough, you two.” Lara told them but they ignored her.
“Yes you did! Confess!”
“For the last time, I did not! Because…” Eckhardt rose from his seat and looked at Kurtis straight in the eye. “Kurtis, I am your father.”
“What?! NOOO!! Tell me it’s a lie!” Kurtis said dramatically.
“Gotcha! AHAHAHAHAAHHA.” Eckhardt laughed at his face and Kurtis almost punched him.
“YOU PIECE OF-!”
“Everyone gather up for the Christmas dinner!” Lara announced as she rung a bell in her hand. Soon, the dinner table was being filled with all the guests.
“Finally, I’ve been waiting to eat for hours.” Muller said.
“Of course you were, fatty.” Karel told him.
“Hey Lara, look what I got for Christmas!” Eckhardt showed Lara a device.
“An iPod?” Lara asked.
Upon hearing that word, Boaz stood from her seat in a panic. “NOT THE POD!!! NOOOOO!!!” She yelled and jumped out the window.
“Woah, what’s her problem?!” Lara asked while Eckhardt was rolling on the floor laughing.
“She has a trauma with everything related to pods! Isn’t it funny?”
“Of course a psycho like you would find it funny.”
“And by the way, didn’t those things die like years ago?” Karel asked, referring to the iPod.
“Of course they did, idiot! I only ordered one from eBay for the prank!” Eckhardt replied and threw the device at Karel's face breaking it.
“Oh dear.” Lara sighed before she looked at all her guests already waiting at the table.
“Aren’t you gonna feed us, you big boobed puttana?” Bartoli asked.
“Oh right. Winston! Stop playing that piano and help me serve the turkey!” Lara called while snapping her fingers. After a while, all the plates were served and Lara was about to take her seat when she bumped into someone —or rather something—. “Woah wha-?!”
It was a creature with bacon body who mimicked each of Lara’s movements. She instantly recognized it and went angry. “NATLAAA!!! What did I say about bringing your hideous mutants to my party?!”
“Oh, but you know her! She’s the most docile amongst my creations, and she looks just like you! Ugly from both inside and out.” Natla replied bitchily.
“I don’t care how docile it is, it has to leave NOW.” Lara pointed at the door and so did the doppelgänger.
“Ew, don’t let that nasty thing get anywhere near me. Gunderson, do something!” Eckhardt ordered.
“I’m on it, sir.” Gunderson stood up but Janice quickly pulled on the leash around him and made him sit back down.
“You’re staying where I can see you, pet.” She said.
“Yes, mistress.”
“Don’t worry, Lara, I’ll take care of this thing." Kurtis came to the rescue and hoisted the doppelgänger over his shoulder and began carrying her out. But then Lara was also lifted into the air and was being dragged at the same time.
“AHH Kurtis stop!!!” Lara yelled and everyone laughed at her.
“Oh do continue, this is quite amusing.” Natla said, enjoying the show.
“It’s okay Lara, this thing can’t hurt me.” Kurtis replied and continued walking, unaware that Lara was also being carried behind him. He opened the main doors and launched the doppelgänger into the snow outside, along with Lara too and he closed the doors. “There, problem solved, Lara. Lara? Hey, where’d she go?”
There was a knock on the door and Kurtis opened it to see a snow-covered Lara and doppelgänger with pissed looks on their faces. “Lara, what are you doing outside?” Kurtis asked.
“Dumbass! You threw us both out!” Lara and doppelgänger said at the same time.
Kurtis rubbed his nape sheepishly. “Whoops, my bad. I forgot that everything that happens to it also happens to you.”
Lara entered her house and they closed the door quickly before the bacon version of herself could get back in. Larson approached them shaking his head. “Damn, if someone did that to me, I would’ve ditched them in an instant.” He said.
“Let’s just have dinner already.” Lara said as she dusted off the snow from her clothes.
At the dinner table everybody seemed to behave for once, and Lara was glad about it. They shared laughs, stories and jokes. Nothing could literally go wrong.
“This turkey isn't so bad, compared to what we eat for Christmas in Atlantis, which is-“ Natla was about to say but Lara interrupted.
“Let me guess, you eat kids' hearts and eyeballs.” Lara said with repulsion.
“No. I was going to say we eat ham.” Natla replied.
“Oh. Well, that might be the most normal thing you do.”
“Except we drizzle it with dog snot, which looks exactly like this sauce you have here.” Natla pointed to the sauce and everyone gagged.
“Great, you just killed my appetite.” Zip pushed his plate aside and decided to browse his phone for the rest of dinner.
“Um, who has any more interesting stories to share?” Lara changed the subject.
“Oh, I have one!” Amanda raised her hand. “It’s the story about how Lara left me to die in Peru and a monstrous identity took control of my body!” She shot Lara a killer look.
“Don’t bring your trauma again, Amanda.” Lara said dismissively.
“Yeah, we’ve heard that story a million times, it’s all about you crying and wanting revenge. Besides, it’s not like Lara didn’t try to save you.” Anaya defended her friend who smiled in return.
“But she didn’t try hard enough! Lara is a horrible person!!” Amanda retorted while hitting the table like a baby.
“Also, may I remind you that you adopted that monster as your pet and killed hundreds with it, so don’t come at me with your crocodile tears and grow up, child.” Lara backfired and everyone clapped at her as she sassily sipped her wine.
“I HATE YOU BITCH!!” Amanda stood up and grabbed Rutland. “Babe, we’re leaving!”
“But we haven’t eaten dessert yet!” Rutland said.
“He’s right! Winston prepared a delicious pudding.” Lara said.
“Fine. I guess I’ll stay. As long as it doesn’t have teeth in it.” Amanda sat back down.
When dinner was over, everyone headed back to the main hall to chat and mingle some more before it was midnight. “I have to say, Lara, I hate you to death, but you do know how to organize a good party. Guess you aren’t as bad as I thought.” Natla told Lara.
She was surprised, it was the nicest thing her worst enemy had ever said to her. Lara placed a hand on her shoulder. “Natla, thank you. I knew beneath that evil exterior there was someone caring. Even if you have weird Christmas traditions.”
“Fair enough.”
“Okay Winston, time to play the piano again.” Lara ordered but Winston wasn’t looking so good.
“Miss Croft, I don’t feel so well…” Winston said weakly.
“Winston, don’t come at me with that now. Please play that piano, it's the only thing you do. Come on, quick.” Lara snapped her fingers impatiently.
Winston tried to walk but each step was slower and slower.
“Is he okay?” Zip asked.
“He looks so pale! That’s not good for the skin.” Sophia added.
“He’s fine, he’s just lazy. Come on, Winston, we don’t have all day!!” Lara exclaimed.
That was the last straw and Winston hit the floor, cold and stiff like a statue.
“Oh my God, I think he’s dead!” Eckhardt exclaimed, actually worried.
“Oh come on, he’s not dead! He’s just faking another heart attack as always!” Lara said and kicked Winston’s corpse. “Okay Winston, show’s over, we all know you’re faking a heart attack. Now get up!”
“Someone give him CPR!” Amanda suggested.
“I don’t think anyone wants to put their mouth in a nasty old man’s.” Kurtis said.
“I would do it, but will I get paid for it?” Janice offered.
Lara was losing patience. “Winston, don’t make me lock you in the freezer again with a cobra. I’ll give you to the count of three: one…”
“Geez, she's actually insane.” Rutland whispered to Amanda and she agreed.
Lara counted to three and Winston still wasn’t moving. She began to get worried. “Weird, that usually works. Is anyone here a doctor?!”
“I am.” Willard walked to the front. “My name is literally Dr. Mark Willard. Move aside.”
He began to check on Winston and after a while, he shook his head to Lara with a look that said he'd already given up the ghost.
“No… But why?” Lara asked, not believing the news.
“Hypothermia. Too much time in the freezer.” Willard replied.
Lara scoffed. “That’s absurd, I only locked him in there for like 20 hours a day.” She said and everyone stared at her like she was serious. “…Okay fine, it was too much time.”
“Congrats, Lara, you’ve killed your butler. Guess you too are horrible from both inside and out.” Sophia said bitchily.
“Hey Lara, do you mind if I take his corpse to my lab and experiment on it?” Willard asked.
“No, give him to me! Believe it or not, his skin would make for some nice clothes.” Sophia argued.
“Do whatever you want with him. Where will I get a new butler now? Who will I lock in the freezer for the sheer fun of it?” Lara questioned.
“Don’t worry, Lara. As your new friend, know that I will support your decision every step of the way.” Natla reassured her.
“Thanks, Natla.”
Suddenly, the main doors burst open and in came a noisy chick yelling. “SAAAAAAM? SAAAAAAM! Has anyone seen Sam?! SAAAAAAAAAM!!!”
“Who the hell is that?” Lara pointed at the stranger.
“My name is Lara Croft and I’m here looking for my girlfriend Sam, she and I got separated after-“
“Woah woah hold on a minute, are you trying to steal my identity? I AM the one and only Lara Croft here!” Original Lara pointed at herself.
“No, I AM Lara Croft!” Reboot Lara argued.
“No, it’s me!”
“No, me!”
“OH for Qualopec's sake! Two Laras in the same room!?? I can’t take it, I just CAN’T TAKE IT!! THAT’S IT!” Natla snapped and grew her wings. Everyone stared at her in shock as she levitated in the air. “I’m getting the hell out of here, have fun in your pathetic Christmas orgy or whatever. See ya never, peasants!”
Natla escaped by breaking a hole through the wall and flew away. 30 seconds later, however, she returned and grabbed a glass from a shelf. “Forgot my punch.” She said and left for good.
“Lara? Is that you?!” Sam appeared at the top of the stairs after a while.
“SAAAAM! You’re okay!” Reboot Lara went to hug Sam.
“I hid in this house and waited for you to rescue me! I knew you’d find me!” Sam said.
“I’m not letting you out of my sight again!” Reboot Lara took Sam to one of the rooms and shut the door. Weird noises were heard coming from there.
“Um, what just happened?” Zip asked.
The clock stroke twelve o’clock and the bells were heard throughout the mansion. It was Christmas. “I don’t even know. This party was a disaster!” Lara covered her face.
“Not completely, Lara. Look up.” Kurtis said and Lara looked up to find a mistletoe hanging from one of the chandeliers.
“Huh? I don’t remember putting that up there.” Lara said.
“Well, no matter who did, it would be rude to ignore the tradition, don’t you think?”
“Hey, that was MY idea!!” Larson yelled angrily.
“I guess you’re right. It’s Christmas after all.” Lara wrapped her arms around Kurtis and kissed him. Everyone cheered at the sight.
Except for Larson, who hurled himself towards Kurtis and tackled him to the floor, both fighting and punching each other like cats and dogs. Lara tried to separate them but she also got dragged to the fight and now the three were punching each other and even knocked over the Christmas tree.
“Best Christmas ever!” Amanda laughed while live-streaming the fight to her Tombstagram.
The next day…
“SAM?! SAAAAAAM! Has anybody seen Sam?! SAAAAAM!!” Reboot Lara yelled down the stairs and into the messy main hall.
“Goddammit! Do you gotta yell so loudly so early in the morning, whoever you are?!” Zip asked as he came out of his room while rubbing his aching head.
“Where is Sam?! She was in the room with me, but when I woke up, she was gone! I’ve checked every room and nothing!” She cried hysterically.
“Maybe she only wanted you for a one night stand.” Zip replied.
“She would never!” She pushed him aside and continued searching and yelling.
Lara came out of her room too at hearing the noise. “Hey you! Have you looked in the freezer yet?”
“No, I haven’t!” Reboot Lara gasped and immediately went to look there. Lara quickly locked her inside.
“Good thinking.” Zip said.
“Guess we’ve found ourselves a new butler.” Lara said.