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The day would have been beautiful, except it wasn’t.
I had just stayed up until 4 in the fucking morning for nothing (ratatoing mentioned) and I KNEW the feeling was mutual because as soon as I opened my phone my friend had immediately started flooding me with complaints about volume POO.
“WHAT THE FUCK” nini (my friend) said via the online messaging application most commonlyreferred to by the general public as ‘whatsapp’. I agreed heavily with the sentiment.
After roughly 3 hours of us sending crying emojis to eachother 😭 😭 😭 son im crine😭 😭 in order to express our deep sadness, We had come up with a plan. WE GOTTA KILL THE DUFFERS IM NOT EVEN FUCKING JOKING
We met up in the rubble of Starcourt mall both to discuss plans and have some hotpot (it was mildly overstimulating, but Steve wasn’t there and I had my headphones + plain rice so it was okay). However, it wasn’t just us who would be there… We were accompanied by a secret companion. The third duffer brother…. THE SUFFER SISTER.
“Thanks for joining us for hotpot” I said, as the Suffer Sister nodded under her hood. Her identity was fairly secret, and she clearly didn’t have any plans on telling us But that's fine.
Suddenly, the hotpot began to bubble like. A lot. “Umm, as an unverified chinese person, asian cuisine shouldnt DO THAT!!!!!” nini explained… scary. All of a sudden, it swirled up and up, before we were swept away with the chaotic wave of the tide.
Ow. My head hurt. Like, it REALLY hurt… so much that even after my eyes were opened, my vision was beyond blurry. Not as much as the queerbait but like still
As soon as my eyes had decided to come to terms with my brain, I checked my surroundings to see where exactly I was… But, I didn’t recognize where I was. The Suffer Sister was there, standing still with her dark cloak on. Nini died but i brought them back So its ok
The walls were all mechanical, grey and boring, just like the new volume. As we ventured the halls, there were many odd and questionable things. Like a pole that had a bite taken out of it, with tiny pennies scattered across it like saliva. Gross.
The Suffer Sister speaks, her voice echoing over the metal walls, she sounds… almost god like. Is this how the Duffers see the Netflix loading screen?
“I know what we have to do, and I think you do too.”
Me and Nini looked at each other, and then back at the Suffer Sister. We nodded.
On our way to the Duffer Brothers’ evil lair, we passed many other strange artifacts like a GIANT purple dildo. Probably for the gay one… Anyways we got to two gigantic wooden doors, in an arch shape as if it were some kinda fucking castle or something. Whatever
At first, Nini tried to open it, and after said attempts were unsuccessful I decided to try and contribute too, as we both desperately tried to pull it open. With one heroic kick, the Suffer Sister floored the door in seconds. We were both in SHOCK.
As we looked past the door into the room, we saw a quite blank sight, with barely any furniture and lots of coin-covered poles and a table with some tinsel aswell as a tinsel bed on the floor. For some reason, there was only one Duffer, the non-gay one. He was spending his time staring at a blank white wall (which was much more entertaining than volume 2). The straight duffer SPLIT IN TWO like a russian nesting doll, and INSIDE of the fleshy, boney abhorrent mess, sat the GAY brother!!! So thats why they only had one bed. BEcause the straight one was always keeping the gay one trapped within its womb….(A/N: This is a metaphor for internalized homophobia and compulsory heterosexuality.)
The two duffers slowly turned their heads to us, smiles plastered on their faces like stickers they had put on. They opened their mouths. Ba-dum The netflix sound effect could be heard before they began to speak. “Greetings there. Why are you HERE!” the straight duffer professed as he stood up, his twin copying the action. Angrily, Nini shouted “THAT VOLUME WAS ABYSMAL LEVELS OF DOGSHIT!!!!” Upon seeing the enraged teenager, the Duffers began to smile, before they laughed. But it sounded like a TTS laughing cause they fucking stupid yo
“Oh, why would we EVER want to make faggots have a happy day?” The straight duffer said, turning to its twin. “All we want is your money. Money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money money mo” Nini was SEETHING so much they turned purple but its okay cause i revived them again
“But why???” I asked, upset as well as angry. “Well we need cash to pay for Chat GPT premium … and also we need to be able to pay $1 to each of our actors like Natalie Dyer.” At the mention of Natalie’s name, the Suffer Sister looked away. I could sense some tension… maybe the two of them had crazy yuri beef. “That still doesn’t make ANY sense” I replied, but the two just shrugged.
They extended their arms out to us, and for a moment nothing happened before their fingers started to longen, reaching to try and grab us. For a second we all were frozen in fear before the Suffer Sister grabbed us both as we ran out of the room, bolting down a random hallway to escape the tickley fingers.
We let out a sigh of relief as we entered a random room. Finally, we had escaped imminent death from the duffers. The room was pitch black, and so I looked around to find a light switch, flicking it as soon as I managed to find it. I looked around to see… the entire stranger things cast, all tied up to each their own individual wooden plank. It was a horrifying sight to see.
“What the frick frack?” I said, staring at the scene. They were all there, every cast member, it looked like Will’s coming out scene all over again. Except there was no Hatsune Miku this time. Even fucking Tammy Thompson was there, she looked like her name sounded, a tampon.
Finn Wolfard looked like he was desperate to kiss Noah Schnapp. [Tender, Emotional music starts playing]
Nini ran forward to try and undo some ropes, I followed behind soon after, but then we were stopped. Stopped by a sound so horrific, so chilling it made me want to shoelacegate myself (inside joke, heh, you wouldn’t understand, baka). That sound…
DA-DUMMMMMMMMMMM
The Duffers were here.
They stormed in, their legs not moving, they just hovered. The gay and straight Duffer spoke at the exact same time, they may as well have just been one bisexual Duffer and it wouldn’t have changed much.
“Ah, so you found them.” They paused, an awkward silence filling the room, “We’re keeping them here so we can milk them and make more and more spin offs until Netflix finally appreciates us, because we were denied full attention above everyone else as children.” They spit at us, but their saliva is coins. The poles make sense now
“RELEASE THE VOLUME TWO FILES!!!” Me and Nini scream, charging at the Duffers with full force, but they stopped us just by putting their hands out, slamming us against the wall.
The Duffers laughed,
“When we said Mike was our self insert, we lied, it was actually ELEVEN!!!” We stare at them in horror, this might be it, but then, the Suffer Sister steps in.
“BYLER ENDGAME!” She screams, throwing green fireballs at them, burning them to a crisp. They fall to the floor in a pile of pennies. It was odd, but I’ve seen Stranger Things.
We untie all of the other cast members, setting them free from their chains. It was a beautiful scene, and as soon as Finn and Noah get untied they scramble to immediately start making out with each other. Using tongue flicks, Noah starts saying something in morse code. “QUICK WRITE IT DOWN” I shout out, and Winona Ryder does so, scribbling it down as quickly as she can.
“--. .-.. --- .-. -.-- / - --- / - .... . / -. .- - .. --- -. / --- ..-. / .. ... .-. .- . .-..”
…None of us know morse code, and Noah and Finn are basically finished making out now anyways. Millie Bobby Brown picks up the duffer-coins, un-gently throwing them into a box in the corner of the room, and everybody decides to leave to have some more HOTPOT!!!!
But first, Millie has an announcement!
“I’m pregnant!”
Mike: But it not mine!
Billy: So it mine el?
Eddie makes out with Sheldon Cooper, and they leave for hotpot.
The entire cast of stranger things as well as me, Nini and the Suffer Sister are all sitting down, with their bowls, and obviously the main bowl for the hot pot in the middle of the table. Everybody is laughing, happy and smiling when the Suffer Sister clears her throat. “I’m going to get some more Tofu,” she declares, and nobody pays much mind. As she stands up… Rapidly, the cloak falls down from above her head and around her shoulders. The identity that she’s spent so long cradling and nursing to not get revealed is suddenly undone, and in front of us stands… NATALIE DYER!!! I gasp in shock, and everybody else does too.
“Wait… if you’re Natalie, then who’s that?” Nini says, pointing to who they previously believed to be the actor of Nancy. Natalie and the mystery person are both incredibly offended at this statement. “Uh, that’s my twin sister Soda-Pop Dyer? She plays Soda-Pop Wheeler.”
Immediately trying to change the conversation, Finn Wolfhard bangs on the table loudly, his other arm around Noah Schnapp, who has been cuddling him for such a long amount of time that he has almost melted into his body. “I have an announcement. We will be REWRITING VOLUME 2!!!” He says, eliciting a very loud cheer from the entire room. Murray’s actor, Brett Gelman shouts “Using IsraelGPT!” from the corner of the room, which instead brings many, many many disappointed reactions.
“Oh! Um, that’s not… hope this helps!”
The rest of the night is spent eating, fighting and drinking.
THE RELEASE OF VOLUME THREE - ONE WEEK LATER
Volume three came to an end, which was just three hours of Mike and Will sloppily making out and defeating Vecna with the power of gay love, the screen slowly fades to black, and then we see those beautiful end credits roll, a sweet song playing in the background…
‘And when I’m back in Chicago I feel it…’