Chapter Text
Kaz always knew where to find his crows. It didn't matter the time or place, weather you were in east or west ravka, at the crow club, or in ketterdam at all – he always found you. And although you weren't as hard to find as Inej, it was difficult, coming from the menagerie and all. You could climb and hide in places most wouldn't. But most common of all, you perched. Always somewhere up high, where the common eye wouldn't think to look. Good thing Kaz wasn't a common eye.
Tonight's mission had gone absolutely haywire. You broke a window getting in, cutting yourself in the process, Wylans bomb backfired and didn't go off in time, Jesper showed up late and almost blew the whole place to the ground, and Kaz broke his cane on the wet cobblestone on the Barrels road. You were almost caught, but thanks to the ability to ignore pain in all the wrong times, you jumped right out the window you came into and onto the cobblestone pavement.
Back at the Crow club, you were nowhere to be found. Jesper went to his respectable place at the door, Wylan back to his explosives room, and Kaz to his office. He specifically told you to meet him there.
This wasn't the first time you were a no-show, though. However, it wad annoying to Kaz. He needed his investments to be on the best, at all times, and obviously you weren't.
Standing, Kaz made his way from his room to yours. Very rarely did he ever go into another crows room, but the thought of something being wrong with you and you not telling vexed him. Trust was mutual, and he already trusted you more then he did the other crows – telling you his grievances and past traumas before anyone else.
He stood outside your door, cane in one hand, folded papers and books tucked under his arm. Gently, he knocked twice. After a moment of no reply, he cracked your door slightly, calling out your name. He took a step in after hearing nothing but quivering silence, his cane clicking against the floor being the only noise for miles, it seemed. Once again, he called for you. Scanning the room, he set his belongings on your desk, looking at the open window above your bed. Quietly, he grabbed a chair and drug it beside your bed. Grunting, he stood on the firm wood and stuck his head out into the cold, windy night.
Just as he suspected. About 3 feet away, there you sat. Legs pulled to your chest, arms encasing your knees, and your face tucked safely between your stomach and thighs. Kaz sighed, "i know you hear me. and you know i shouldnt go up there." he said, voice breaking the silence. Wiping your eyes on your knees, you turn your head, "when's a 'shouldnt' stopped you before." you bleat, emotion lacing your voice under the perfectly sculpted mask. He huffs. You were right, when's a 'shouldnt' stopped him before.
Slowly, Kaz lifted himself through your window and out onto the roof, alongside you. Sighing, he looks out into the town, extending his legs. After a moment of mutual silence, he speaks, "care to explain why you're out here" he says, voice calm and calculated like you were going to break if even his tone was off. Thinking for a minute, you huff. "The mission," you start, "it was my fault it went wrong. I shouldnt have broken the window, that started a chain reaction" you finish, voice trembling under your breath. Kaz shakes his head a tiny bit, just noticeable to the looking eye. "Wylans bomb backfiring wasn't caused by your window breaking." he says, attempting to be reassuring but wildly failing. "How not?" you argue, "if i didn't break that one window than everything wouldve gone right." you repeate. Kaz exhales deeply and pauses, leaving you both in awkward silence. "Listen i-" you start, but he cuts you off. "If I blamed myself for every mistake i ever made, the Crow club wouldn't exist. I wouldn't exist." he turns his head towards your, eyes delaying like they were caught on something in the distance, "you need to stop blaming yourself for the fault of others." he says, eyes scanning over your figure. You lift your head and look at him, just staring for a moment. "How long?" you ask. He raises a brow. "How long will that take? How long did it take for you to stop blaming yourself." you ask, voice barely a whisper. Kaz's breath caught in his throat as flashbacks to Jordie flooded his mind. After a minute of silence, he spoke, "I haven't." in a tone much similar to yours. An unusually soft voice for him. His eyes peeled off your figure. "14 years and i still haven't." he adds.
You both sat with that for what felt like an eternity. For Kaz, it may have been, but it had only been 5 minutes. "Kaz" you say, looking up at him. He hums. "Why are you really out here?" you ask. He looks down to meet your gaze, "I need my investments to be okay." he says. You give him a look, "investments? is that all i am to you?" you ask. He sighs and pauses. Opening his mouth to speak but you cut him off, "after everything, im just an investment to you?" you repeat. "For a minute i thought somebody had cared for me, brekker. For a minute i had hope." you scoff. "Hope clouds your judgement" he says and looks away. "But no, i was going to say that you're more than an investment." He chokes out, "you always have been." he adds. "But..what" you move slightly closer, almost bridging the gap between you two. "I've known since i saw you at the menagerie that you were special. I could've chosen any other girl there with twice the skill, but no, I chose you. There's something about you i can't quite place. Something indescribable." He looked back at you, "I like it" he whispers. You stare off infront of you at the buildings, like this was a lot to process. Technically, it was. Kaz Brekker, the bastatd of the barrel just said he chose you.
Apparently you had been staring for longer than you noticed, as Kaz was now saying you name repedly. His hand waved infront of your face. "Sorry, yes?" you hesitantly look over to him. For a moment you could swear you saw a glimpse of worry in his eyes. "You spaced out." is all he says. "sorry" you murmur. He hums softly. A few rain drops hit the roof rhythmically and you look up. The skies had grayed more than they usually were and it was raining. You smiled just a bit. Kaz looked over at you, letting himself have a moment to admire the way your eyes beamed at the rain. A moment to soak in how beautiful you looked as the rain hit you hair and ran down your face. A moment to appreciate the transitory joy in your eyes as the first few drops hit rhythmically on the shingles of the club. He clears his throat, mainly to pull himself back to reality, and looks down at his shoes glistening under the rain. "Kaz you should head inside" you say. "I'll be fine." he says. "No, you'll get sick, you don't like being sick." you sigh, "go back inside." you finish. He sighs. You're not wrong, he hated being sick and hated being around sick people. It reminded him of Jordie.
But right now, there was no jordie. No bodies, no raft, no river. Nothing. Just you, him, and the ephemeral spark of happiness inside of him. He closed his eyes and sighed, shrugging his jacket off. "Kaz-" you begin to protest, but he drapes his coat over your shoulders. "Take it. I don't want you deal with you sick." Althought it's never "dealing with" when it pertains to you.
You both sat there for a long while in the rain together. You had laid down on the roof, slightly closer to Kaz than intended. His arm was draped above your head, ghosting your hair so that he wasn't touching you, but his presence was known.
He checked his watch. "it's 1 am" he says, looking down to see you half asleep, cuddling into his jacket. "Hm? okay" you murmur, making no effort to move. He sighs and sits up more, moving back closer to your window, "we're heading in. It's late" he says. "Actually, it's early" you mumble, words slurred together in sleepy sassyness. "You sound like jesper." he glares back, but you could tell he didn't mean it in a condescending way. You giggle and shrug, finally sitting up, pulling his jacket around your shoulders. He helps you back in, taking his jacket off your shoulders. You couldn't help but admire the way his clothes clung to his skin, how his hair was slicked back with one stray piece framing his forehead, the scar above his eyebrow along with the few drops of water down his neck.
"I guess this is goodbye?" you ask. You hadn't noticed he was standing at the door now. Kaz shook his head, "ill be back." he says. You shrug and go off to change into your nightclothes. One of Jespers old, old shirts and a pair of Nina's old shorts. You hair was taken down and partly dry. Kaz caught you as you were getting into bed, knocking one at the door. "Yes" you call out. He opens the door and comes in, cane first. "Hope you don't mind if i sit in here. It's nice to have company while i work." he says and sits at your desk. "Come, here, you can sit on the bed." you pat a spot next to you. He looks down at his ungloved hands and sighs. He trusted you enough. Picking up his stack of papers and books, he moves to sit next to you on the bed, limping over. You move so he has room to adjust. "You're okay" he says absentmindedly, his voice softer than usual. You smile a little bit and curl into a ball next to him. "Finances?" you ask. He nods, "don't worry about it, dove" he murmurs, adding in the name as though testing the waters. You didn't tease him about it. You smile, "I worry about you, Kaz Brekker" you yawn. He glances down, "go to bed" he smiles just a bit. Only noticeable if you were looking, but noticeable nonetheless.
Smiling to yourself, you curl into a position that's sure to hurt in the morning, but it got you closer to Kaz. At 2:47 am he finished the finances for the club and settled next to you, not daring to get under the blankets. He dropped his hand to push some hair out of your face, his nails grazing your cheek slightly. You absentmindedly nudge your face into his hand, humming. He sighs and pulls away. "some day. I promise you, dove, someday ill love you without my armor."