Chapter Text
Heavy breaths, a man trying to go back to his senses, it was so so quiet he swore his thoughts could be heard too. The scene left behind by his own hands was so grotesque, so brutal, how can a human achieve this? To say this was committed by a beast would be more believable.
The scent of blood and death was once again attached to him, clinging and unable to let go. No matter how many times he washed the blood and changed his clothes it was there and he was sure everyone could notice it, but he still chose to pretend that it was a secret.
Or at least pretend that it was a well kept secret from her.
He couldn't go back like this. fuck he overdid it. What the hell happened to him?
Breathe, it's over, at least for today.
His body could move again now, all he did was run. Run. Go away, not looking back as if he didn't want to acknowledge the crime left behind. Was it really a crime? If the king wanted this, then it was just law. He didn't do anything wrong, it was his job.
Then why…
He crossed the now deserted village going straight through an unknown path, anything to evade being seen like this. Silent, even when he wanted to scream, to curse himself. Until there was no sign of life (or death) around him and everything was desolate, until he remained alone. It was his way to clear his mind, by not thinking and just letting his body move towards and empty place until he felt tired enough to pass out. After what felt mere seconds he somehow reached a forest, or he believed it, surrounded by trees that seemed to trap him the deeper he went, yeah this is a forest.
A quite… odd one.
Was he finally losing it?
He stopped, finally paying proper attention to his surroundings, everything was… glowing? How strange, it was not like the luminescent plants from home, no this was not artificial. Was he dreaming? A place like this was definitely out of reach for the nation he habited, they are still struggling with keeping alive anything that came from the surface, there was no way this ecosystem could survive there. Did he accidentally leave Khaenri'ah? This place is really close to the border so maybe… but did he really manage to go this far?
He didn't trust this place, everything felt so tense and something was making him go alert. Even when the view was hypnotizing and promised safety he was sure this was just a trap, the kind to attract fools that are weak enough to fall for it's beauty and be devoured the second they drop their defenses. He was trained to be indifferent to the bizarre and divine equally, he was no fool.
He was no fool.
Our brave adventurer started walking again, now extremely cautiously. Time felt so strange, as if it was going too fast and too slow at the same time, he was starting to feel dizzy. The air was inviting him to slumber, he rejected its offer obviously and that seemed to annoy it as it started to asphyxiate him now. He endured regardless, desperately looking for an exit. Where is he?!
As if something was holding him he was unable to run, frustrating, so so frustrating. Feelings were starting to dominate his senses, all this frustration was not taking him through a proper path, and before he could notice it his body had already hit something. Breathe, this is a really stupid way to die you can't allow that, focus I need to get out. In front of him was a… Oh. There was what seemed like a grave… something was engraved behind a thin layer of what he decided to think was snow, he just brushed it off with his hand revealing strange symbols never seen before.
For some reason he decided to trace over them with his —still bloody— finger, action first, reason came later.
He was a fool.
An unknown noise could be heard behind him and as he turned a blinding light appeared, azure fire burning the path where he came from. The man froze as the flame traced a circle around him before floating right in front of him, he could hear eerie whispers echoing in a language he could not comprehend until the words started untangling slowly, it took a few seconds before he recognized words from the language all of Teyvat spoke.
"Are you lost?" the voice– voices, sounded so distant and close at the same time, like an echo inside his mind.
He gave no answer, he didn't want to, he couldn't neither.
"Do not fret, I have no intention to harm you… Opposite to that, I only wish to aid you. You are not supposed to be here, I can safely escort you out."
Safe? Hah, sure.
"I assure you, my words are honest. I am no liar, I am unable even if I wished to." those voices tried to settle on a soft tone, explaining as if that could gain the trust of the stranger.
It didn't work.
"Come forth." this time it was a command, well looks like its patience run out.
He blinked once, twice, then reached for the flame as if he had forgotten that fire burns, it was simply too appealing to ignore, he wasn't thinking properly—something was allowing it to influence every action he made now. Odd, this one was– cold? the closer he got the colder. Once he was close enough to technically touch, it flinched—confusion suddenly hit him for a second shifting quickly into calmness, one that strangely so didn't feel like his own but rather from the flame before him. It was as if he had to feel whatever it… “felt".
His hand moved foolishly trying to cup the fire while it just danced along, trying its best to not harm the skin and just keep up with this little show. A sudden spark of something else hit him, the blaze seemed to enjoy this silly interaction, enough to share its delight with the human for an instant. Just an instant before another drop of something soured his senses, something close to shame apparently. Hah how ridiculous, how can a flame be… flustered.
Time was just being wasted now, this human had to leave now.
It moved again urging him to follow, and he obeyed like it was another command, and it was—just not advised out loud, it wasn't necessary anymore they had no time to fancy on it anyway. Other silent orders were told along the way: focus on me, don't look away, don't stop running, don't listen to anything else, don't stray, focus, run, run, RUN.
His vision was full of that shining blue hue, he didn't notice the horrid shadows forming around him, their claws threatening to tear him apart if he were to move away from the light, the mocking inhuman "faces" staring, piercing, dissecting him. All that there is, a hauntingly majestic azure.
Mind fogged once again, that dizziness was back but this time he didn't fight the slumber as it seemed safe to rest now. He didn't even notice the change of scenery, going back to the bloodshed he tried to escape just to pass out in a bed of blood and slaughtered flesh.
It hurts, oh how it hurts.
Awful agonizing screams of pain and horror echoing ringing in his head, he grew used to them but now they were haunting him once again. It hurts. Abhorrent images flashed before him, reminding him, punishing him. It hurts, it stings, it's breaking him. Faces, no there are no faces just– just eyes, a void marked with a red cross. Guilt, he can't feel guilt, he is not allowed to. This feeling is prohibited, illegal. It hurts. There is no Archon to beg for mercy, they all have abandoned this land. No they didn't, it was us who rejected them. Unbearable pain. Someone please have mercy.
Rächer of Solnari you may abandon your slumber and regain your conscience.
A flash of blue blinded him from it all before he opened his eyes.
It was all blurry, silent, oh finally some silence, no eyes to judge him. No, a worried and relieved gaze welcomed him back to reality instead.
He couldn't understand what was happening yet, but he knew he was… home. Safe at least. It took him some time to, but he was back on his senses. The overwhelming lights and sound of machines surrounding the small space greeted him next—he knows he has been here before, his visits to this specific section weren't common but the walls were all the same in this building so it was a familiar sight for him regardless.
The doctors made a few tests, after a long, long check they informed him he was out of danger. Some pills, recommendations and warnings, even scoldings and he was ready to take his leave! In great shape to go back to his usual activities (physically at least, they don't care about anything else unless you end up insane enough to disobey).
"Rerir!" a familiar voice greeted him dripping with concern as the owner hurried to his side.
"Ah, Dains–" he was surprised with a hug, how strange his friend wasn't the type to do this, Rerir can't even remember the last time it happened. Did he arrive in a delicate state or something? Why was the man shaking and acting like he wasn't sure he would ever see him again before today? The blonde man pulled away scanning him with his eyes, Rerir simply stood there making his confusion well known with his face.
As if he had asked out loud, Dain replied. "Rerir you have been there for a month!"
… What?
A month, well that seemed like a really important detail to just pass on, seriously these doctors should at least inform him of–
A MONTH?!
…
Ah shit how was he supposed to explain his absence to her now… No wait, Rerir priorities, what the fuck made him stay unconscious for that long? This has never occurred before, the record was 2 days max maybe. They said he slept for a while but he thought it had been like three days or something not a fucking month! Well now he was mad, did they even do a proper analysis? I mean, they were acting like suddenly waking up after that long was the most normal thing, they literally treated it like one would treat a common cold!
Rerir was definitely going back for a proper consult, not today though, he was– hah how ironic, he was tired.
They decided to visit the Universitas and catch up while walking there, there was a lot to talk about.
Apparently he stayed a few days collapsed in the village, almost a week before they started to get worried about his absence, well if it wasn't for Dainsleif he would've probably rotten there for longer. "I asked Ved about you and he said he saw something weird." So they sent a few soldiers to go investigate. They almost mistake him for a corpse too, it was only because he made a disturbing scream when they touched him that saved him from being thrown at the pile. He doesn't remember any of that. Also, the one who touched him stated that he swore Rerir had burnt him but there was no sign of it so maybe it was just a similar feeling to the shock of the scream. Unimportant.
They had to constantly check his pulse on the way back because he was back to his corpse impression, once they arrived the doctors were having nightmares while trying to comprehend what was wrong with him. Everything was fine but he stayed in a coma no matter what they did, maybe at some point they just gave up and waited for him to die instead. "One of the nurses quit after a week of your arrival, why? I have no idea. I saw her before she left and she was shaking, do you think they were putting too much pressure on her there? You know, some of them are assholes, I came almost everyday to make sure you were okay." No one trusts that place, but it was free so most patients had no option.
As for Rerir, well he simply stayed still all the time, breathing so… quietly. His heart was beating at least. They say you are supposed to be able to still hear your surroundings but he can't recall absolutely anything, it just felt like a normal night.
All he had "dreamed" of was the usual aftermath of murder and… something not red but blue, it lingered in there but no matter how hard he tried to reach for that memory it ended up blank.
He assumed it was not important, after all those are the kind of dreams that are irrelevant.
Moving on… Ah yes, his job. Not much happened, the cleaning of course continued but it definitely got slower on its peace without Rerir. The king was furious, worried—not for Rerir but rather about the fact that he faced the possibility of losing a crucial pawn of his chess. Maybe he became a little too dependent on him, would this make him appreciate the Rächer more? No, on the contrary it made him realize he needs more soldiers of his level so now the poor victims ehem, novices were being pressured more. Graduation seemed harder to achieve. He almost felt guilty, almost. Not his problem anyway.
Now, on the more trivial matters–
"Rerir!" a cheerful voice called him the second they stepped inside, he smiled as he always does the moment his ears recognize that sound.
"Tholindis!"
She rushed to envelop him with her arms, so tight it almost took his breath away and Rerir allowed her gladly. They looked at each other without hiding the fact that they missed the other badly. Dain just stopped existing for his friend, completely forgotten and set aside. He was definitely not happy but oh, when was he if she was present. Taking advantage of the fact that neither of them was paying a single drop of attention in his way, he shot a disgusted look at the scene.
At the same time, Tholindis released Rerir immediately with a strange motion… as if she had burned herself.
Did he… do that?
In an instant the brunette started asking her if she was okay, panicked. "Yes, sorry it's just– you started getting too… warm." She examined him, giving a confused look like she couldn't even believe it herself.
Just like the guy who…
What the hell was going on.
After a painful and awkward silence that lasted a whole minute they just… ignored it, everyone still held a lot of questions but they moved on anyway, not because they wanted it but like something was making them change the subject and go on with their reunion so casually.
"I was out for an expedition, it was requested too suddenly that I couldn't even tell you… I'm sorry."
Tholindis shook her head. "Don't worry, I'm glad you are back." She took a bite of her kebab, the three of them were sitting outside of their usual lunch place forgetting about their plan to stay in the Universitas. Rerir's fault of course. "You still have to make it up for me, remember the trip I mentioned before you left? You are now obligated to come with me."
The brunette smiled softly giving her a little nod, not allowing a single sight of nervousness show. That was in a few weeks, the king had lost a lot of time already… if he were to ask for vacations it would be considered an offense now. But he can't reject her, he could never. Maybe he can keep up with it until the days before and pretend something urgent was requested once again, it would hurt her probably —definitely— but at least she wouldn't blame him.
Dainsleif gave him a weird look, knowing exactly what he probably had in mind. He didn't comment on it and just sighed, disappointed. Tholindis took a wrong assumption and apologized for not inviting him, he told her it was alright and lied about being busy anyway. It was always so awkward to be around them.
Dain didn't like her much, he had a feeling that she was hiding something and when he informed Rerir about his concerns he just looked at him offended and excused it all pointing out how he was also hiding a really big thing from her. Oh but it's different, he was sure about it. "What could be worse than hiding the fact that I am a murderer?" He had a point, but it's different! He had asked Ved about her and well, he didn't trust Tholindis either. That should be enough but his friend was a stubborn piece of–
"Ah! I have to go back, I forgot something." Tholindis took her stuff quickly and just left after giving them a smile (more aimed at Rerir) without any further explanation.
…
"Aren't you curious?" the blond asked once he was sure she was gone.
"About what?" Idiot. "She didn't ask much about my absence, I won't push her about her own stuff either."
Dainsleif frowned, unbelievable. "I would be worried about my potential partner not being dead anxious about me leaving for a month so suddenly without giving any warning or sign of life during all that time."
"I told her to not care about it."
"And she just accepted that easily? She didn't even come to ask me about you." His friend protested, highly upset by his lack of care.
"Dain you just don't understand it, I'm not even going to bother." he rolled his eyes determined to drop the subject.
How annoying. Why did he care? Tholindis didn't ask him because she knew Dainsleif only tolerated her when Rerir was near. Acting so defensive and faking concern, how immature, it was almost as if…
"Are you jealous?" the thought left his mouth without realizing it until his friend gave him the most disgusted and insulted look he could offer.
"Did you lose your mind over there? We are going back to the hospital you are saying crazy shit."
Yeah he was actually, why did he even ask that.
…
Did he really ask that?
A week passed after his return, nothing changed much, he was back to his commissions on the second day already. He went back and demanded a better explanation of what happened to the medics, they answered as best as they could but… really no one knew what happened, they just know he is fine and there is nothing threatening his well being. He tried asking about the nurse but that was not his business really.
There is something unusual happening lately though.
Sometimes he feels like his actions and words are not completely his. Stupid questions leaving his mouth for no reason, a sudden irritation when people approached him with certain intentions that was never there before, a need to avoid everyone and isolate himself. He even considered mercy for one of his targets, he —the Rächer of Solnari— a man who has long ago forgotten about allowing any human emotion intervene on his duty, considering mercy? He could not allow it, whatever that was happening to him must stop before it puts him in a dangerous dilemma. Eradicate this stupid inconvenience just like he was taught back then, just like he has been trained all his life.
Rerir spent most of his free time training to distract himself from it all, it was his favorite way to relieve stress, actually it was the only "healthy" way he knew. When he was tired enough to consider a break all he did was stay inside his home like a hermit, weird, he used to visit Tholindis instead but lately he has no motivation to do so. Really weird. Alright enough, he have to go outside! This routine is pathetic.
He got up ready to leave, anywhere really, be it go eat somewhere he trusted or just walk around the capital. Rerir was no caged animal to deny himself of some fresh air. The moment he started walking towards the door his body began to feel heavy, tired. Was he getting out of shape? No impossible, he must be going crazy from staying inside this long because he felt as if something was holding him and begging him to go back to bed, tempting him even.
No, we are going outside.
…
Who is "we"?
That sent a shiver through all of his body, he hurried to exit the place. Okay, what was wrong with him? Are these doctors telling him the truth? Maybe he should talk to someone about it– no. No? Why not? He doesn't want to, he does, no he doesn't. People are going to call him crazy. No he doesn't. Enough!
While having his little debate with himself (and losing), he began walking towards deserted streets without fully realizing it until he snapped out of it. He has been here before, not willingly, just for business. Why was he here now? He didn't want to deal with people giving him weird looks, oh but that always happened, whether he was insane or not they could still smell the scent of blood on his hands and for that reason he avoided crowds.
Suddenly he felt like he was not alone, Rerir raised his head quickly to find a silhouette at the distance. It was a woman, there was nothing extraordinary about her but the second her eyes met him her expression shifted to a horrified one and she started shaking, apparently she had recognized him. Well this was quite normal, meeting a well rumored murderer in the middle of an empty place was definitely not something to be so calm about. He even felt bad for her… he walked slowly towards her trying to show he meant no harm but that actually gave the opposite impression. It was like a hunter meticulously cornering its prey.
She shook her head and closed her eyes, she started rambling something, her voice was almost inaudible but he could still understand the sound, it was broken, nervous, anxious, frightened.
"I-It's that shadow, please get away from me! I don't know what it wants, I was just doing my job!" she started crying and Rerir felt suspicious of her words, who the hell is she?
"Shadow? What shadow? Who are you?!" he spat desperate, just like he does when interrogating a obstinate target.
The woman didn't reply, she simply pointed behind him not daring to even open her eyes.
He turned to look at whatever she was aiming at but found nothing unusual, shit! did he fall for a distraction–
Rerir looked back ready to chase after her but she didn't move an inch, she was frozen in place, petrified, sobbing and begging for mercy. He was so confused with the current situation, suddenly something hit him—amusement and… no that was definitely not something he felt. He had never found enjoyment on his killings, he could let guilt slide but something as repulsive as excitement was not a thing he would ever allow to feel during a moment like this. He was no sadist, he hated those. No matter what scum was dying under his feet, any of the sort was prohibited.
Then, why?
He was losing it.
He was really losing it.
It has been 3 days since then.
Rerir just left the woman there, he didn't care if she tried to report him after that honestly. The whole situation was fucking him up terribly, he had to go back to the safety of his home. Nothing else happened, nothing can happen if he doesn't leave anyway.
As always, his friend came to his door to check on him, he even brought his brother. Why? The excuse was that they went outside to get some stuff and Dain suddenly decided that it was a proper time to visit so Ved obliged. It was obvious he had a plan and that was a just made up reason. Rerir didn't have any strong opinions about Vedrfolnir, yes the guy was sort of intimidating, but he barely saw him to even form a proper opinion, all he felt was the usual respect anyone would have for one of the Court. In the other side, Ved simply appreciated the fact that his brother had a friend but didn't care much about him besides that.
Yet, for some reason, he seemed way too interested on him right now.
His eyes looked quite immersed in following something behind him, Rerir got his chances to discreetly try to observe whatever he was supposedly seeing but there was absolutely nothing. Just like that one time with that woman, but Vedrfolnir lacked that fear she held. He was one wise man beyond the ordinary so being his current subject of interest was truly unsettling. At some point the visionary even let out an amused chuckle and did nothing to explain the reason behind it… oh for the moons has some kind of curse finally fallen over all Khaenri'ah and they were the first victims? Now he felt as if both of them were going insane.
And Dainsleif agreed with that.
"Ah, Rerir, you should do a more proper job on cleaning up to ensure the comfort of your… guests" the seer's gaze lingered over the mess in his desk and an abandoned couch "Believe me when I say, they will highly appreciate it."
His brother gave him a bothered look, be nice, as if the comment was actually aimed at him instead.
Rerir felt no offense, embarrassment was more fitting…
The prophet peeked again behind him, a defiant look took hold of his features for a mere instant before that polite mask covered it. He wondered if this whole act had something to do with his visions, but the concern on his brother's face discarded that hypothesis. This was not normal. That left a bad taste on his mouth, if Dain was worried… he should be too.
He should.
But he stopped after that last glance, back to holding conversations and behaving as any guest should. They were allowed to talk normally now that the tension was gone and no more distractions stole their attention, keeping updated with what was missing from their last meeting… Rerir didn't mention the conflicting events that had occurred during that week and hoped they weren't aware of it. Vedrfolnir didn't speak much, he seemed more comfortable listening and giving short commentary when the nature of the conversation compiled him to. Hours had passed and they had to take their leave after promising to visit more often (well, just Dainsleif), he appreciated the time with his friend but felt relieved to be alone again.
He sighed and looked at the disaster that had embarrassed him today, such an important figure scolding him for not maintaining his place presentable enough was highly humiliating. At least he had found something that required his attention to advert it from the hurricane of his mind.
Rerir spent the rest of the day planning his tasks, as busy as he is this was going to take a few days probably. He had to switch all the messy reports and paperwork from the desk to a more accessible place and make sure that new spot didn't end up in the same chaos, then take out everything else and reorganize it, clean the furnishings, maybe change the position of the couch for a different and fresh arrangement… actually he had to move and clean everything.
Ah, he really hated visits.