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The screen in the living room turns black, then white. I hear "Heroes" by David Bowie begin to play as the credits roll. The tears streaming down my face intensify.
So that's it? After everything, it was all queerbait? And "Heroes" was just for the fucking credits? I feel like Will destroying Castle Byers. Stupid. So stupid.
I press the mute button. Not now, David Bowie.
I tentatively open Twitter. I know what awaits me, but I go in anyway. It's exactly as I suspected: Carnage. Devastation. Heartbreak. Foah. Everyone's upset and rightfully so. At least, I think to myself, I'm not alone in this queerbait.
After scrolling for a few minutes and retweeting the tweets I resonate with most, I notice my vision start to go black. My breathing quickens as I wonder if my time has come. Has Byler being queerbait killed me? Lowkey a fitting way to go, I can't help but admit.
But then, a mysterious, deep voice begins to speak.
"Hello. It's time. You have been chosen to fulfill the deed that was foretold long ago."
"What the fuck? Is that fucking Vecna?" I practically scream. Nothing but a black void surrounds me.
"What? No. It's God."
No other sentence in the world could have suprised or confused me more. "Bro what? I'm an atheist, why the fuck would you choose me?"
"That doesn't matter, child. Just as you never really get an answer as to why Will specifically was chosen by Vecna, you will also never know why I chose you. But anyway. Let's stop wasting time. You have a job to do," God says.
"What are you talking about? Did I die and this is heaven? Actually, never mind. I'm a lesbian. I know this is hell," I say, resigned.
"Girl, shut up," says God. "Im trying to grant your heart's desire."
"What's my heart's desire?" I ask, bewildered.
"Look inside," God says. "What do you wish for right now?"
"To kill the Duffer Brothers and make them pay for their crimes?" I ask, a sliver of hope in my heart.
"Precisely. I knew I was right to choose you," God says proudly.
"No way! You're gonna let me kill the Duffer brothers? Wait, wait! Can I kill Shawn Levy too?" I ask, more hopefully than I've ever asked for anything else in my life.
"Well, yes. I was originally only going to let you kill the Duffers but then Shawn Levy said the ending was what you wanted and everyone would be satisfied and that was just too mean so now he's on the chopping block too."
"Yes!" I exclaim. "When do we get started?"
"Right now, my child. Right now." God says.
In a flash, my eyes open and I find myself no longer in that black void. Instead, I'm outside, but nowhere I recognize. Tall trees surround me and I hear the chirping of birds.
"God? What is this place?" I yell.
"It's your first stop." God says, cryptically.
Somehow, I can tell I'm not going to get any more answers out of him. I'm truly on my own here. I take a step, my shoe sinking into a pile of mud. I look down, hoping my shoe isn't ruined, and gasp at what I see.
I'm wearing a long, black dress with an apron over top, and small, simple black flats. I reach up to touch my head, and find a bonnet atop my hair. Far from the pajamas I was wearing before the void.
"Where the fuck am I?" I scream, but no response.
With no other choice, I start walking. After what seems like forever but is probably only a few minutes, I see a break in the trees. And a group of people standing in a circle around something I can't see yet.
I tentatively stop closer, beginning to hope it's what I think it is. And sure enough, it is.
The townspeople, all dressed in similar clothing to me, are standing around three men tied to a post. They're thrashing around, but their bonds hold strong.
Of course, I see before me Ross Duffer, Matt Duffer, and Shawn Levy. They're all wearing the same simple clothes. They look absolutely ridiculous. Like pilgrims or pre-American colonists or something. I have to stifle a laugh.
Suddenly, one man steps up from the crowd. The mayor, I think. Or maybe the executioner. The thought does put a smile on my face.
In a booming voice, the man says, "Standing before you today are some of the worst men to ever step foot in this town. They have taken their power over the general public to spread homophobia and misogyny. And that's not even touching the fact that they also can't write for shit."
One of the Duffers, I don't know or care to know which one, speaks up, "Hey! That's not true. Its just the way the story needed to go!"
Never mind. It's the gay Duffer. I could tell the moment he opened his mouth.
The townspeople break out into yells and many of them have to be held back by the calmer among them. Have I just stepped into a town of ye olde Bylers? I'm, of course, confused on the logistics, but it's also not the weirdest thing to happen to me tonight so oh, well.
"Silence!" the executioner (?) says. "We don't have time for your pleas. It's too late and you know it. I hope in your final moments you think of Byler and regret it all. After all, it was your downfall in the end," he says with a snarl.
"Ready!" The man screams. The Duffers and Shawn begin to shake like leaves on a tree in a windstorm. I notice everyone else bending down to pick up rocks, so I do the same.
Oh hell yeah! This is an old-timey stoning! I can barely contain my excitement.
"Aim!" Everyone gets into a throwing stance. I feel like I'm in an MLB bullpen. And in this moment, it's exactly where I belong.
"Fire!" At once, everyone lobs their rocks at the three men. Blood starts to trickle down their faces and bodies. It's hard to tell, but I think Shawn Levy dies first.
Only a moment later, I see Matt Duffer slouch and draw his final breath. I started out in the thick of the crowd, but the townspeople are very considerate so they each moved aside after the made their throw. I'm now standing directly before the criminals.
It's time. I hold the stone in my hand. The biggest one I could find. I pull my arm back, setting up my aim. Straight for Ross Duffer's head. Without a moment's hesitation, I swing my arm around and let the rock fly.
Bullseye. Right between the eyes.
It's done. The entire town erupts in cheers. The catharsis I feel is all-consuming.
"Thank you, God!" I yell at the sky.
But God replies, "Don't thank me yet, child."
I have only a moment to be confused before I blink and find myself in another unfamiliar landscape. This time, I'm in a much more modern setting. A car dealership.
I hear only a "Take your pick" from God before he vanishes again.
This time, I know what to expect. And I can only assume it's time to do the next killing. I guess I'm in a time loop? I wonder. But no time to think, I suppose. I have a mission to complete.
I glance around at the many cars surrounding me. Sedans, SUV's, minivans, trucks, you name it. How am I ever going to choose?
I spot a cybertruck nearby. Its odd shape and hard/sharp-looking exterior seem like a good weapon, but there's no fucking way I'll be caught dead driving a cybertruck.
I know a sedan won't be enough. I need them to get hammered, and I'm afraid they'd just roll off the hood of a vehicle so small. And an SUV just doesn't feel like the right kind of vehicle for this sort of purpose.
No, I need something worse. It's a car dealership, so I know there won't be any tanks, which would be optimal. I keep looking until I find the next best thing. A big, red Ford F-150. Perfect.
The door is already unlocked, and the keys in the transmission, so I hop in and turn the key. The engine roars to life and the blood in my veins starts pumping even quicker. It's go time.
This time, it's not so obvious where the three targets are. I pull out of the dealership onto the main road and floor it. Those little queerbaiters can't hide for long.
I turn onto a side street, nothing but my instincts to guide me. After driving through a cute suburban neighborhood, I come to an empty lot. There waiting for me, are the Duffer brothers and Shawn Levy. Just as I knew they would be.
But this time, it's personal. No townspeople to state their crimes and help me stone them. Just me, the queerbaiters, and the open field where they sit, vulnerable.
I figure this is my chance to talk to them. Let them hear from the mouth of a Byler how badly they fucked up. I know they won't care. But this isn't for them. It's for me.
I walk up to the three men, each of them tied to a lawn chair in the field. I can smell their fear, and it's oh, so satisfying.
"Hello, boys," I say as ominously as I can.
"Who the fuck are you?" Matt Duffer asks, fearfully.
"Yeah and why are we tied up?" Shawn Levy cries.
"You know why," I say, staring into the yawning black pits they call eyes.
Matt and Shawn seem to want to argue or defend themselves, but before they can, Ross speaks up.
"Yeah, we know. And we don't care. Newsflash, we're homophobic! And we really like making money. So of course the best of both of those worlds is queerbaiting. You dumb bitches really thought we'd make a queer ship canon in the biggest show in the world? Think again, loser. Man, you guys really did lose chess to a dog. Pathetic."
I merely smile. "Pathetic, you say? Maybe so. Maybe deep down many of us knew Byler was too good to be true. But god forbid we have a little hope that we could see ourselves represented in an actually satisfying way. God forbid we're validated even once in thinking that the queer experiences so many of us relate to in our real lives could be replicated tastefully in your stupid fucking show. God forbid you let queer people have one thing! One goddamn thing!" My voice is rising, but I push on.
"I know you don't feel sorry for what you've done. But I dont feel sorry for what I'm about to do either, so I guess we're even."
I whip around and stomp back to the F-150. I hear Matt and Shawn berating Ross for spilling their secrets. I even hear them start begging for mercy. But it's too late.
I put the truck into drive and slam my foot on the gas pedal. Pedal to the metal, bitches. The three men loom closer through the windshield as I floor it.
A moment from hitting them, I roll down the windows and scream, "This is for Will, motherfuckers! And for Mike too, because lord knows you fucked up who he could have been!"
BANG! I feel the impact of the three men hitting the truck all at once. It feels like victory.
I blink once more, this time opening my eyes to see myself along the side of a railroad track. Moments later, after I hop into the conductor's spot at the front of the train, I put my foot on the gas so it crushes the three men tied to the tracks.
Blink again. A medieval Roman fighting ring. I pick the fighters that go on to kill Matt, Ross, and Shawn.
Blink again. NASA. I press the launch button for the spaceship that explodes on its way through the atmosphere, killing all three amateur astronauts.
Blink again. A cruise ship. I cackle as I push them overboard one by one.
Blink again. This time, an aquarium. In the shark exhibit. Somehow, I can tell this time is different.
"Yes, child. This is your last killing," God says, startling me.
"Aw man! But this has been so fun!" I complain.
"I know. But you must eventually return to the real world."
"Ugh fine. At least I know to savor this one," I say wistfully.
I see the Duffers and Shawn Levy just up ahead. They're checking out the great white exhibit. I didn't think great white sharks were ever in aquariums but I'm not going to be ungrateful at a time like this.
Thank god this aquarium is a complete safety hazard. So much so that when I walk up behind the three queerbaiters, they dont even get a chance to scream before I push them each into the tank.
Almost immediately, the water turns a beautiful shade of red. I savor the view for a moment before turning away. It's time to go.
I blink one last time, and I'm back on my couch. In my pajamas, the credits still rolling. It seems no time at all has passed during my adventures.
"That was fucking crazy. Thanks, God! I really appreciate it!" I say.
"No problem, child. I hope it was truly satisfying."
"Oh it was! And I guess I'll also start believing in you again," I say thoughtfully.
"Eh, you don't have to if you dont want to. I'm actually way nicer than you humans usually make me out to be so you can kinda do as you please and as long as you're mostly nice you'll prob make it to heaven."
"Huh, well okay then!" I say cheerfully. "And thanks again for the murder time loop! I really needed that. I mean I wouldve rather had Byler endgame but I guess this is the next best thing," I shrug.
"Hey, I get it. I was rooting for Byler too. But Duffers do as Duffers please. That's actually why I created ao3. So you humans would have something to turn to in these trying times. Personally I'm most looking forward to the cheating Byler fics," God says with a longing sigh I didn't know was possible for a God.
"Wow, God, that's very thoughtful. I do have to wonder how you can't just make Byler canon but I suppose that's beyond my human knowledge capabilities."
"Thank you for understanding. Now enjoy the fix it fics!" God says, before disappearing as fast as he appeared.
I turn back to Twitter. Just as I left it. But now I feel lighter. And ready to read as many Byler fanfics as humanly possible, written by writers endlessly more talented than the Duffers. Just as God intended.