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Lucifer didn’t realize the denizens of hell actually wanted to see him in public after so long until Charlie and her girlfriend cajoled him into the spotlight. After all, he was responsible for making his daughter’s hotel a structurally sound building in the first place, filled with shit like edible food and scented towels and a not-leaking roof! He deserved to be honored as the hotel’s host, they said! He’s bringing in so many interested clients just with his presence, they said! Lilith is definitely coming back and giving him another shot at eternal love, they said!
Okay, they didn’t say that last part but Lucifer sincerely hoped the sentiment was in their hearts!
Frankly, Lucifer coming out of his self-imposed exile was drawing enough attention to the hotel’s grand opening that VoxTek wanted to have an exclusive interview with him! He was flustered upon receiving the invitation, telling Charlie that he didn’t want to steal her spotlight but instead of getting upset about VoxTek’s obvious snub, she just squealed and told Lucifer he deserved to go!
Thus, his presence at VoxTek Studios, where they broadcast Channel 666 News. Lucifer himself never watched television (as Lilith once told him that the screen had secret mind control capabilities) but he supposed he’ll make an exception just this once, to make his daughter’s dreams come true!
The moment he stepped inside, Lucifer was swarmed by a group of makeup artists and assistants who rambled to him about scripts while powdering his face and fixing his outfit with unwanted flourishes. Lucifer swallowed his disgust at being prodded like this by so many strangers and smiled a genial, professional smile.
“You’ll be on-air with Katie Killjoy in thirty minutes, Your Majesty,” an eel-shaped sinner told him. “But first, Mr. Vox wants to have a private chat with you! He’s very interested in learning how your daughter’s hotel works!”
“Well, he can learn from watching the live broadcast,” Lucifer said, desperately not wanting to have to talk to an Overlord by himself.
They were the most rotten of the rotten, but they came about because the concept sounded like a good idea to punish sinners long ago. Lilith had suggested it and Lucifer signed off on it, trusting his wife with anything and everything related to ruling hell. Now that Lucifer had to take the reins by himself, without Lilith’s guidance, he deeply regretted the existence of Overlords. Because it turns out, giving sinners ambition and power over other sinners only spelled disaster! Who the fuck knew?
“Oh no, Mr. Vox insists,” the eel sinner said, already motioning Lucifer to follow him. “He’s so excited to meet you! He’s never met the king of hell in-person before! In fact, I think it might be safe to call him a fan!”
“Fan? Me? Oh no, you must be mistaken,” Lucifer said as he reluctantly dragged himself in the eel’s direction. “It was always my wife who had everyone’s attention, which she honestly deserved!”
“Mr. Vox does admire the former queen but that doesn’t stop him thinking highly of you too, Your Majesty,” the eel boy said. “You need to hold yourself in higher esteem! You are supposed to be the embodiment of Pride, after all!”
Frankly, Lucifer thinks he has a great amount of pride. He knows he’s better than all sinners in hell by default. He fell because he tried to expand humanity’s horizons; they fell because they were stupid or malicious or just fucked up super hard. Honestly, where did this sinner get off on trying to give a pep talk to the literal king of hell? If Lucifer wasn’t bound by a higher power, he could immolate every sinner in his vicinity just for looking at him wrong.
Still, Lucifer took a deep breath and smiled when the eel boy led him to an empty office space, pushed him inside, and closed the door behind him, leaving him utterly alone.
“Uh, hello?” Lucifer called out. “Mr. TV Head Man?”
“Your Majesty, it’s so wonderful to finally meet you in-person!” a voice called out. A sudden burst of lightning hit the middle of the room and once it disappeared, in its place was Vox, whose name Lucifer was only forced to memorize due to Charlie's girlfriend’s insistence. “I hope Ethan was hospitable towards you?”
“Uh yeah,” Lucifer said, shaking Vox’s hand when the sinner held it out. “Eddie was real nice! Wow, you’re really committed to this electricity bit because you smell like a lightning storm! I guess it’s a better smell than circuit boards, I guess? Hey, am I rambling? Because if I am, I can–”
“Well, I was more interested in hearing you talk about your daughter,” Vox said, yanking his hand away from Lucifer. He pulled out a chair for Lucifer to sit on.
“Great, that’s my favorite topic in the world!” Lucifer said as he sat down. “Where do you wanna start? Her baby pictures? Because I have a little magic photo of her taking her first steps! It moves and everything! Here, lemme show y–”
“Uh no, thank you,” Vox said with a crooked smile. He didn’t hesitate to grab Lucifer’s wrist to keep him from reaching his pocket (which Lucifer thought was quite rude but he forced himself to say nothing about it). “What I’m more interested in is learning about the Hazbin Hotel! Why did she decide to create such an establishment, how is it going to work, and does she really think all of us filthy sinners can go up to heaven?”
“Oh, uh, well,” Lucifer stammered. He tried to pull out a bundle of index cards Charlie's girlfriend gave him before leaving but slid it back into his pocket upon seeing Vox’s smug gaze flicker at the cards. Lucifer cleared his throat. “I mean, it’s not a guarantee that everyone is going to heaven, since you have to voluntarily check yourself into the hotel first, but I suppose Charlie said we’ll take in anyone with a repentant heart.”
“Anyone?” Vox said with a grin. He sank down into his own chair and rested his chin (or like, the bottom edge of his picture box head, more accurately) atop steepled fingers. “Will that include murderers?”
“Uh, well, if you haven’t noticed, there are a lot of murderers in hell. Fuck, I came across a dozen just from walking through your studio’s parking lot! So what choice do we have but to let them in, right?” Lucifer said with a nervous chuckle. “We don’t wanna discriminate, you know?”
“Oh, that’s just people murdering each other when they’re already in hell, a place full of immortal souls that can respawn when fatally stabbed,” Vox said. “When you discover the rules of hell, who wouldn’t stab a bitch just to try it?”
“Uh, decent people?” Lucifer said.
“Well, yeah, but those people are in heaven, not here, so moot point,” Vox said. He smirked. “What about souls who murdered someone while they were alive, where there isn’t anything close to resembling respawning? Snuffing out a life that had family, friends, connections? Does a sinner like that deserve to go to heaven? What if their victim is in heaven? How is that supposed to be remotely comfortable?”
“Well, ideally, a redeemed soul would be repentant and all that and thus apologize to their victim in heaven once they get there,” Lucifer said, not really caring about what came out of his mouth. He wasn’t really sure if Charlie had a correct answer to this question but his answer sounded like something she would say. “And since the victim is also a sweet, forgiving person on account of ‘being in heaven’ thing, surely they would forgive their murderer!”
“How sweet,” Vox said, broadening his smile.
Lucifer couldn’t help but stare at it, wondering how a mouth even worked on a flat television screen. If he touched Vox’s face, would he feel lips? Teeth? A tongue? How does this man even eat? All of Lucifer’s ideas on how that worked came off as frightening and strange, which probably meant he was close to the truth, since sinner forms were meant to be ironic punishments. Surely, if Vox went to heaven, his form would change and give him a real head that wasn’t flat and bulky and surely a nightmare to sleep with at night! Maybe he’d even get his human face back, though whether or not that’s a blessing would depend on if Vox was handsome as a human. But even if he was ugly, surely heaven would fix that! That sounded like something they would do: sand off everyone’s imperfections until they’re all boring and the same.
Maybe Lucifer should suggest that as a Hazbin Hotel bonus on live television: “If you wanna get rid of certain stupid implements on your sinner form, check into the Hazbin Hotel and heaven will surely reshape your hideous body!” Ugh, he’s a genius! Charlie is going to be so proud of him!
“What made your daughter finally put this strange redemption plan into motion?” Vox asked. “Especially after seven years of extermination?”
“Oh, she’s been dreaming up this idea for a long time, it’s just now she finally has the resources to put it into motion,” Lucifer said. “She would’ve done it far earlier if it wasn’t for–uh–circumstances!”
“Oh, really? What are these resources and why didn’t she have access to them before?” Vox asked.
“Well, our family was a bit busy seven years ago,” Lucifer said nervously, twiddling his fingers. “You know, uh, Lilith and I decided to take a little break in our marriage and all! Charlie realized it was a bit dumb to bring up her hotel idea in such a tumultuous environment.”
“Ah, I see,” Vox said. “While the rest of us sinners were dealing with the horror of exterminations, you and your family were undergoing the much more horrible ordeal of . . . divorce proceedings.”
“HEY, LILITH AND I ARE NOT DIVORCED!” Lucifer snapped, feeling the fury of angelic fire course through his veins and radiating from his body . . . before remembering that he was supposed to be on his best behavior for Charlie today. He blinked a couple of times to turn his sclerae from crimson to white. “I mean . . . Lilith and I just had a healthy disagreement like all married couples do and we decided that we needed to spend some time apart. The royal family is deeply sorry about the atrocities of the exterminations but we believe that once we prove that not every sinner in hell is wicked at their core, they’re sure to come to a stop!”
“Mmm-hmm, yes,” Vox said and Lucifer could feel the smugness coming off of the sinner in waves. “Honestly, Lucifer, you must really believe in your daughter’s dream if you’re coming out of such a long retirement just for this hotel! What a wonderful father you are!”
“Uh, yes! Obviously!” Lucifer exclaimed, feeling heat crawl up his neck. Yes, he was lying out of his ass but wasn’t that expected from the serpent who invaded the garden of Eden? “I happily co-sign on my daughter’s dream that any sinner can make it to heaven with a repentant heart!”
“So you really believe in the best of us?” Vox said, leaning in to invade Lucifer’s personal space without permission once again. “You think anyone can make it into heaven?”
“A-A-Anyone with a repentant he–” Lucifer stuttered, realizing how long it’s been since he’s spoken to someone who was neither his family, a Deadly Sin, or someone so scared of him that they didn’t question a single thing he said.
Where did this sinner get the balls to dare talk back to the literal king of hell? Lucifer thought to himself.
“Even someone who beat their kids?” Vox asked with an arched eyebrow. “Or their wife?”
“Ah! Y-Y-You’re trying to frame us in a bad light,” Lucifer said, trying to choke down his anger. “The literal premise of the hotel is that we don’t approve of the horrible things sinners have committed. We’re just trying to get them to stop their bad actions and reevaluate themselves.”
“I’m just asking if there are certain limits you would draw,” Vox said with a condescending laugh, which made Lucifer want to deck him in his stupid flatscreen face.
“Look, if you’re going to be all puritan about this shit, at the very least, the Hazbin Hotel is not planning on accepting people who have no intentions of getting better,” Lucifer said with a huff. “Anyone who beat their kid or murdered someone or committed a fucking war crime and doesn’t feel bad about it at all is not going to heaven, okay?”
“Oh, so you have the requirements to get into heaven written down, right?” Vox asked.
“Uhhhhh,” Lucifer said.
“I suppose since you’re a fallen angel, you’re an expert on what gets you kicked out of heaven, so you must be an expert on what heaven does and doesn’t approve of,” Vox said.
“W-W-Why,” Lucifer stuttered, flushed with embarrassment and anger at being talked down to like he wasn’t king of hell. “Why are you talking to me like this? I thought you wanted me to advertise the Hazbin Hotel! Don’t you know how great of a blessing this hotel is? What a wonderful chance you’ve been given to make your lives better?”
“Oh, Your Majesty, Channel 666 isn’t about just relaying the facts, it’s about entertainment,” Vox said. His smile was taking up half of his screen. “I’m just trying to surmise whether our audiences will take more entertainment in supporting your daughter’s hotel or ruthlessly tearing her vision apart! It’s no hard feelings, just business!”
“How dare you,” Lucifer muttered quietly.
“Huh?” Vox said, looking startled upon seeing Lucifer’s glowing red eyes and the manifestation of his wings.
“No hard feelings? No hard feelings? Fuck this shit, you sinners don’t deserve my daughter,” Lucifer exclaimed, feeling fire scour his throat as he spoke. He got off of his chair and began floating up in the air. “Here she is, giving you pieces of garbage a chance to improve your shitty lives and become better people and all of you just want to laugh at her for it!”
“H-H-Ha, I guess you don’t believe in the best of us, do you?” Vox said nervously as he got up from his chair and began backing away from the furious angel.
“Why would I?” Lucifer said in a low, menacing voice. “I gave you people the apple in the hopes that free will would compel you to do wonderful things, but instead you just commit violence and treachery and sin, over and over and over. I only help my daughter because I value her happiness above all else but frankly, I’m leading her down a road of disappointment, considering the vile sinners that populate hell.”
“I-I-I’m sorry, Your Majesty,” Vox stuttered, finally off of his high horse. Lucifer was glad to see it. “I-I-I was just concerned your daughter was going to put us all in danger with heaven! I mean, they’ve carried out the exterminations so far with nothing but glee in their hearts, w-w-who’s to say they would welcome sinners into heaven? A-A-Am I wrong for not wanting us all to get killed by your daughter’s stupid ide–”
“MY DAUGHTER? STUPID? OHOHOHO, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE EXTERMINATORS HAVEN’T WIPED YOUR SORRY ASS FROM ANY AND ALL PLANES OF EXISTENCE!” Lucifer cried out, feeling all of his power concentrate onto his angry fists. “I SHOULD JUST DO THEIR JOB FOR THEM!”
Before sense and reason could stop them, Lucifer threw a punch at the picture box’s face, his fist wreathed with flames. It wasn’t until his fist unwillingly froze that Lucifer realized what he had done.
Vox had cowered and braced for impact when he saw the angel’s hand come at him but he opened his eyes to find Lucifer whispering to himself in a broken voice, still wreathed with fire.
“No, no, no, what have I done? Fuck, Charlie is going to kill me!” Lucifer whimpered pitifully. He was about to let his face fall into his hands and let out a moan when he saw Vox staring at him with blank eyes. “Uhhhhhh, REJOICE, SINNER! Out of the kindness in my heart, I decided to spare you from my wrath and give you a second ch–”
“Your suit is stupid,” Vox said bluntly, his arms dumbly hanging at his sides. “In fact, I think you dress like a clown!”
“W-W-What?” Lucifer said, all fire from his visage disappearing but still, he remained suspended in the air with his flapping wings.
“Uh, y-y-you’re neglectful and terrible at your job!” Vox said, louder and more confident. His smug smile was returning.
“The fuck are doing?”
“Ducks are, like, the lamest animals in the animal kingdom!”
“DUCKS? LAME? FUCK YOU, I’LL SHOW YOU WHO’S THE SUPERIOR ANIMAL!” Lucifer yelled and his fist went flying at Vox’s face again, only to be frozen in place once more.
Upon seeing his hypothesis be proven right, Vox burst out laughing. “Holy fuck! You’re helpless, aren’t you?”
“I’M NOT HELPLESS!” Lucifer yelled, clenching his fists at his sides and lowering himself to the ground. Ugh, he felt like a petulant child being picked on by a bully. This was why he hated interacting with sinners. “I-I-I’m just practicing mercy like my daughter wants me to!”
“Oh no, you wanted to fucking annihilate me seconds ago, but the only thing stopping you wasn’t mercy,” Vox said. “It’s some sort of curse, isn’t it? I saw your fists freeze up, it definitely didn’t look like something you were doing willingly!”
“I-I-I,” Lucifer stuttered.
“This is something heaven forced upon you, isn’t it?” Vox rambled, his rabid glee making his face shine. “No wonder you’re so pathetic, totally unlike the terrifying image of the Morningstar I saw growing up! They clipped your wings and chained you down here with people you despise but can’t even hurt!”
“Look, bozo, we can’t just forget about what happened here and go back to practicing for the live broad–”
“Ohoho, I’m in charge of everyone’s breathing patterns at Channel 666,” Vox said as he ran towards the door and locked it. “If I want to delay the show, I can do it and no one will stop me. This is something much more fascinating.”
“J-J-Just don’t tell anyone what happened here,” Lucifer said, hating how quickly he resorted to begging. If Lilith were here, she’d scare the living daylights out of Vox and rescue him. “I’ll give you anything! Anything! Free access to the other Rings of Hell? Wealth beyond your wildest dreams? I-I-I see you like sharks, I can resurrect shark species that went extinct a long time ago, just for you!”
Vox lit up somewhat at the mention of the last bribe but shook his head. “Oh no, this is prime blackmail material for the Vees! I’m not wasting it on material goods!”
“Fuck, what do you want then?” Lucifer cried out in frustration.
“What I want,” Vox said as he stepped into Lucifer’s personal space again, “is a deal with the king of hell.”
Vox held out his hand again and this time, it was glowing with a menacing blue aura.
“Oh no, bucko,” Lucifer said, shaking his head. “I’ve never made a contract with a sinner throughout the thousands of years I have lived and I’m not doing it now!”
“Well then, I guess your big secret is getting leaked across every TV channel in hell,” Vox said with a smug grin.
“F-F-Fuck you, who’s gonna believe you? I’m the king of hell, everyone fucking fears my name,” Lucifer spluttered, pulling out his apple-tipped cane to point it at Vox, which at least forced some distance between them.
“Oh, Your Majesty, haven’t you heard?” Vox said. “It’s been a long time since sinners actually feared you. The only reason everyone is so interested in your reappearance now is vicious curiosity. And trust me, most of the Pride Ring thinks you’re amusing at best, a joke at worst. And I’ve run rings around respected people in hell before; it’s called the power of propaganda. Besides, if you try to call me out, people are going to ask you to prove me wrong by smiting me. And you know you can’t do that, can you?”
“W-W-Well, what the fuck could you even offer me to make me sign a deal with you?” Lucifer said. “I can basically manifest anything I want with angelic power. I’m nearly a god and you’re just a dead man in comparison! You have no bargaining chip with me!”
“I can make your daughter’s dream come true.”
“The dream you just called stupid?”
“Eh, I’ve backed things I don’t believe in before, it wouldn’t be the first time,” Vox said with a shrug.
“I think I’m already making my daughter’s dream come true,” Lucifer said, forcing a smug laugh. “Heh, you should’ve seen what the hotel looked like before I revamped it. They didn’t even have working plumbing!”
“Well, you might have angelic power but what you don’t have is my media empire,” Vox said, using a finger to shove aside Lucifer’s cane. “Like I said, your reputation is practically a joke amongst sinners. People are only interested in you because they need to know what’s so wonderful about this hotel to make you come out of isolation. But curiosity can only go so far. So if you want your hotel to have a lasting, positive reputation, you should trust me with your advertising.”
“S-S-Seriously?” Lucifer said, a little hurt that the sinners of hell were probably laughing at him behind their backs, before remembering that they were pieces of garbage and he did not need their approval!
“I’ll become your official media representative and make sure no one in the Pride Ring can turn on their TV or open social media or go to a theater without seeing advertisements for the Hazbin Hotel,” Vox said, summoning holographic posters of the Hazbin Hotel, all shiny and clean and full of preposterous claims. “My popularity amongst sinners in hell will guarantee that waves of people will check out your daughter’s hotel long after the initial hype dies down. That is, if the hype even dies down at all. You have the magic and I’ll provide the propaganda.”
“And . . . what will I have to do for you in return?” Lucifer asked.
Vox grinned. “In exchange for me making your daughter’s dream come true, I want you to help me make my dreams come true when I come calling.”
“Fuck no, that is way too vague for me to even consider!” Lucifer said, shuffling past Vox to make it to the door. “There’s no way I’m signing a contract with you under those conditions.”
He was prepared to simply use his powers to will the door open when Vox’s voice called out once more.
“Okay then, I guess I’ll just dial Katie and tell her to demolish you on TV."
Lucifer froze. “S-S-So? She’s just one sinner, I can handle her.”
“Oh no, Your Majesty, something about you tells me you’re no good at public speaking,” Vox said, crossing his arms behind his back. “This isn’t a battle of physical ability, but a battle of words. And Katie can be fucking ruthless. Fuck, she might even rile you up so bad, you make the same mistake of trying to smite her like you did with me, but this time on live television.”
“Then I’ll just leave!”
“And hell will call you a coward for that. Not only that, your daughter will be so disappointed in you.”
“Argh!” Lucifer said, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “Can I at least negotiate with you on the terms of the deal?”
“Fine,” Vox said, rolling his eyes. “What conditions do you wanna set?”
“If any of your plans involve hurting my daughter or going against her plan to get sinners into heaven, I won’t do it,” Lucifer said.
“Oh, that’s absolutely fine by me,” Vox said, a smug grin lighting his face up once more. “Is that all?”
“ . . . can you also tell me what exactly you plan to do with my power before I become bound to you?”
Vox whipped out his cell phone and dialed a number. “Hey, Katie, can you–”
“Okay, okay, fine! Be mysterious or whatever!” Lucifer cried out. He held out his hand. “I honestly shouldn’t care, anyways. Nothing really matters to me anymore but my daughter.”
“You won’t regret this, Your Majesty,” Vox said as he tossed away the phone and he held out his own hand, crackling with electricity.
They shook on it and a bolt of lightning struck the ground as they did so. On top of that, Vox did an evil cackle, like he was a soap opera supervillain.
Sheesh, and Charlie’s girlfriend calls me dramatic! Lucifer thought.
Sealing the deal didn’t make Lucifer feel any better about almost ruining Charlie’s dreams. Once he pulled away from Vox, he groaned and let his face fall into his hands.
“Charlie, I’m so sorry,” Lucifer muttered to himself.
In contrast, Vox was all smiles as he manifested a glowing contract with Lucifer’s name on it.
“Cheer up, Your Majesty,” Vox said cheerfully. “Now that we’re officially business partners, I practically consider you a friend of mine! And trust me when I say that I treat my friends very well.”
“Yeah right,” Lucifer said, rolling his eyes. “Friends don’t bind each other up in contracts.”
“Hey, we’re in hell, blackmail is among the least harmful things I can do to you! Especially since I just learned you can’t hurt me, even when you want to.”
“Hey, just because heaven keeps me from hurting you doesn’t mean you can hurt me! I’m an angel, sweetheart, even if a fallen one. What would be fatal for you, I can simply brush off! And it wouldn’t hurt you if I were to simply defend myself by putting up a shield.”
“Well, lucky for you, I wasn’t planning on hurting you, anyways. I would never do that to a friend.”
At that, Vox stepped back into Lucifer’s personal space and placed his hands on his shoulders. Lucifer angrily brushed them off with a huff.
“Stop calling me that! You think I’m so desperately lonely that I’ll be all buddy-buddy with someone who just blackmailed me.”
“No offense, Your Majesty, but I think you’re short on friends otherwise, haha! And like I said, I treat my friends very well, so it’ll be wise for you to remain on my good side.”
“Only as long as this contract binds us,” Lucifer said, crossing his arms. “And I do have friends, thank you very much!”
“Your daughter doesn’t count.”
“Well, uh, there’s also Razzle and Dazzle! And Charlie’s girlfriend!”
“Okay, yeah, this is getting a little sad, let’s just stop talking about the friends you do or do not have.”
“Fuck you! Even if I had no one, I wouldn’t want to be friends with you! You just called me pathetic a few minutes ago!”
“Hey, that’s just good banter, Your Majesty! Val and Vel call me pathetic all the time! It’s not true but friends rib on each other all the time!”
“Ugh, I’m already regretting signing the contract,” Lucifer groaned, running his hands through his hair again.
“Look, Lucifer, I’m sorry,” Vox said in a voice that practically dripped with falsehood. “I take back everything I said before. I was just trying to be brutally honest about your reputation in hell, but I see I took it too far. I think the reason I was so hard on you before was because I used to admire you before I even died.”
“Admire? Me? No way!” Lucifer said, shaking his head. “Mortals hate me, if they even believe in me at all.”
“I guess you haven’t read Paradise Lost then,” Vox said with a shrug. “But I’m not lying! I grew up in a very strict, God-fearing household and fancied myself a rebellious child. One of my favorite paintings was this one incredible piece that depicted you, Lucifer, as this tragic, broken figure. Angry tears in your eyes as you hide your face away from a heavenly sky full of angels! It was breathtaking to me! Plus, it depicted you as, like, buff naked so I also appreciated it for . . . other reasons.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m real flattered for having been your gay awakening, bud, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to accept this as admiration.”
“Okay, then, I’ll cut to the chase,” Vox said as he placed his hands on Lucifer’s shoulders once more. “I admired you in the past because to me, you represented the ultimate dreamer. A person who risked God’s approval in order to achieve his goals, to the point of fighting a whole-ass war for it! That sort of ambition inspires me.”
“And look where that ambition got me,” Lucifer said, staring at his shoes. “Now I’m a loser dressed like a clown, who’s obsessed with ducks.”
“I think dreams are worth pursuing even if you fall in a catastrophic way,” Vox said in a sincerely warm voice. He seemed to be leaning in towards Lucifer, in a manner that felt less invasive than before. “Frankly, Your Majesty, even the human world depicts your fall as a grand, beautiful thing. You were among God’s favorite angels, after all.”
Lucifer looked up at Vox and suddenly froze up at the sight of the television demon’s eyes. Even if it was likely a performance, Lucifer couldn’t help but think Vox looked sincere as he spoke. They were barely a few inches apart from one another; Lucifer was sure their breaths were in sync at this point.
W-Wow, his face looks a lot less stupid up close, Lucifer thought to himself.
There was a warmth between Lucifer and Vox in that moment that was hard to name. Or more likely, something Lucifer was reluctant to name because it felt so long since he felt a magnetism between himself and another being.
Lilith called me the ultimate dreamer once, Lucifer thought. And there’s no way Vox could ever know that, so he must have come up with the words himself . . .
Just when it looked like either Lucifer or Vox was going to speak and break the tense silence, the eel sinner opened the door behind them, seemingly with a special key he had.
“Uh, Your Majesty, you’re on in five,” the boy said, freezing up when he saw Lucifer and Vox standing so close together. “I-I-I’m sorry if I was interrupting something!”
“Oh no, you’re good!” Lucifer blurted out, eager to duck out of the room after mentally comparing Vox to his beloved wife. The fuck was he thinking? He extricated himself from Vox’s hold and made his way towards the exit. “Lovely chatting with you, Mr. TV Head Man! Since you promised to work with me and my daughter, I’ll arrange for all three of us to meet later tonight! For, uh, dinner or something! We have a lot to do if we want to promote the shit out of Charlie’s hotel!”
Lucifer kept his face turned away from Vox the entire time, too scared to have the sinner notice how deeply he was blushing. What he didn’t know was what Vox already saw the blush from when their eyes were locked together.
“Oh no, Your Majesty, thank you for trusting me so much,” Vox said with a knowing smile as he watched Ethan escort Lucifer out. “Thank you very much.”
“Val, Vel, you know how I once told you two that my dream was to become the most powerful Overlord in hell?” Vox said as he tented his fingers beneath his chin, spinning around lazily in his chair.
He gathered his two favorite people in hell into his office for an impromptu meeting after Lucifer’s live interview. Sure, Velvette was in the middle of a magazine shoot and Valentino was in the middle of an orgy but after some cajoling (and more than a little yelling), Vox managed to drag them both into his office for his important announcement.
“Your dreams change all the time, babe, I can’t keep up with them all,” Velvette said, furiously texting orders for her assistant Melissa to carry out.
“Yeah,” Valentino said. “Last night, you told me your dream was to attach a cable to each of my erogenous zones and then–”
“THAT DREAM IS STUPID, FORGET THAT ONE!” Vox snapped, glaring at his companions, who were now smothering giggles behind their fingers. He had to take two deep breaths to calm down before continuing. “Anyways, forget ‘the most powerful Overlord’ dream, too. That one is fucking small potatoes to my new dream.”
“That dream is so hard to calculate too,” Valentino said. “I mean, especially since the most powerful Overlord is probably still the Radio D–”
“WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT MENTIONING THAT NAME HERE, VAL?” Vox shouted, his voice dropping a few octaves and wrapping itself in a staticky, menacing filter. His eyes glowed red and radiated their hypnotic haze, which had no effect on Valentino and Velvette.
“Ugh, Val didn’t even say the A-word and you know it, Vee,” Velvette said. Vox hated how the other two Vees always came in defense of each other in front of him. “Next thing you know, you’re probably going to ban any mention of the word 'radio' because of your raging hate boner for your ex!”
“A-A-Alastor’s not my–!” Vox was about to continue his sentence but forced himself to stop upon seeing Valentino and Velvette’s dead-eyed stares. He cleared his throat. “Whatever, that dumb deer has been gone for seven years. I might as well be the most powerful Overlord already! Now I have my eyes set on a better, brighter, grander goal . . . I’m going to become queen of hell.”
Valentino and Velvette were dead silent for at least two whole minutes before Valentino spoke up again.
“Wait a minute . . . did you say ‘queen’ and not ‘king’?” he said.
“Yes,” Vox said in frustration. He loved Val but speaking to him sometimes felt like explaining things to a child. “We already have a king, if you didn’t notice!”
“Sooooo, we’re not overthrowing Lucifer,” Velvette said.
“Obviously not! The man is ridiculously powerful, a literal angel amongst us filthy sinners!” Vox exclaimed, spinning his chair in a rapid circle before stopping it with a dramatic flourish. He got off of his chair and climbed up onto his desk to stand above Velvette and Valentino. “We have no hope of attacking him directly when he’s invulnerable against things that would be fatal to us. No, no, no, we are not taking the throne of hell with war . . . instead, we’ll be using love.”
“Wait,” Valentino said, a slow smile climbing up his face once he finally connected the dots. “You’re actually going to fuck Lucifer? Like, in the ass?” He burst out laughing. “Babe, I love you, but your seduction skills are shit! Though maybe you can convince him by making him pity fuck you, like you did with me!”
“Fuck you!” Vox yelled. “And I’m not just trying to fuck Lucifer, although there will be a lot of that! And he’s going to fucking enjoy it, considering how thirsty you are for my pitiful cock, Val. If I want to be queen of hell, I have to make Lucifer fall in love with me.”
“But that’s even harder to pull off,” Valentino said, smirking. “Especially since Lucifer has been pretty devoted to his wife for, like, thousands of years. He could’ve had, like, a million concubines if he wished but he doesn’t. Because he loves Lilith . . . or whatever. I don’t think you could intervene with a love that faithful.”
“Yeah, you’re certainly not an Anne Boleyn type, Vee,” Velvette said with a smug grin.
“Anne who?” both Valentino and Vox said at once.
Velvette rolled her eyes. “Ugh, right, I forgot the two of you are American philistines. Anne Boleyn was, like, the OG bad bitch of Tudor England. She went abroad to France or something when she was a teenager and came back to cold, rainy England as the hottest piece of ass. King Henry wanted her bad but she knew her worth and said, ‘you’re married, bozo, get rid of your wife and then I might let you smash.’ So Henry kicked out his old hag wife, Catherine, and crowned Anne Queen of England instead. Even executed tons of people who opposed his choice of wifey. Imagine getting a man so down bad for you he changes the course of history forever and murders all your enemies. It’s real queen shit, if I say so myself.”
“Well, that’s exactly what I intend to do,” Vox said, activating his glowing eye and letting his electric power course through the fingers of one hand. He then clenched his hand into a fist. “At least Lucifer’s wife already did the work in kicking herself out of hell. And the king has been lonely and vulnerable ever since. Even if he’s been faithful for so long, loneliness can make a bitch out of anyone. He must certainly be in need of someone . . . understanding. Besides, it’s not my first rodeo with sleeping with people who are technically married.”
“Ooooo, have you been naughty, Voxxy?” Val said, biting his finger lustfully.
“Let’s just say I was super popular as an entertainment icon when I was alive,” Vox said with a smirk. He sat down on his desk so he could be more level with the other Vees. “So many bored housewives who turned on my show for comfort while their husbands were off screwing their secretaries in the other room. They were fucking delivering me their used panties in the mail! Practically threw themselves at me when I met them in-person! Fuck, I miss those days!”
“Ew, gross, I don’t want to hear about your dumb harem of drug-addicted bitches in ugly poodle skirts,” Velvette said.
“I can deliver my panties to you in the mail if you’re that bored, Voxxy,” Val said with a pout.
“Okay, let’s shut up about the panties,” Vox said. “Anyways, what I’m saying is that I’m a better seducer than you think I am. And I’ve met Lucifer in-person! That bitch is in dire need of a spouse who’ll tell him how to run hell and since seven years of absence is a good way to communicate to someone ‘we’re divorced,’ I can’t imagine it’ll be that hard to install me as the new Lilith.”
“But like, why you, Voxxy?” Valentino asked. “Why can’t I be queen of hell? I think I’d be good at it.”
“Eh, you’re more like a Catherine Howard than an Anne Boleyn, sweetie,” Velvette said.
“Stop referencing ugly British people, Velvette!” Valentino whined, but there was no venom in his voice. “I hate being reminded that you like eating beans on toast and shit.”
Valentino and Velvette began chortling and kicking their feet against the floor like they were having another one of their bitchy gossip sessions. Vox put a stop to them by jumping off of his desk and slamming his heels against the ground.
“The reason I’m going to be queen of hell instead of either of you two is because I already made a deal with Lucifer,” Vox said, voice dripping with smugness and menace. He summoned his lightning again and let it dance between his claws. “And I know one of his greatest secrets.”
“Wait, you secured a deal with the king of hell?” Valentino gasped.
“No way, Vee,” Velvette breathed out in excitement. They were practically stars in her eyes as Vox pulled out the glowing contract with Lucifer’s signature. “Holy shit, what the fuck did you even offer Lucifer in order to get something no one else in hell has?”
“All I needed to do was promise I’d support his daughter’s dream,” Vox said, vanishing the contract with a snap of his fingers. “So unfortunately, we’ll have to run a bunch of dumb commercials for the Hazbin Hotel on Channel 666. But in return, I have the king of hell’s power in my pocket. More than that, I know his best-kept secret: the fact that he can’t harm sinners.”
“Wait, what?” Valentino said.
“But you just said he was a fucking angel amongst us filthy sinners?” Velvette said.
“Yes but heaven up above decided to punish him by clipping his wings, so to speak,” Vox said. “He certainly wouldn’t fold to any attack we throw his way but he can’t hit us back in return. A curse compels his fists to stay in place. I learned that by making fun of his daughter and the bitch got so worked-up, he tried to smite me! Luckily, the heavenly forces stopped him. It was adorable when he realized he screwed up and a sinner now knows his greatest weakness. But I reassured him that I could keep it confidential as long as he signed a contract with me.”
“Damn, but if he can’t destroy our enemies, what’s the point of allying ourselves with him?” Velvette asked.
“He’s still got the intimidation factor,” Vox retorted. “More than that, he can certainly hurt angels if he chose to. He’s just too depressed to even think about it. But maybe if he had a hot piece of ass on his throne whispering in his ear, he’d change his mind.”
“You’re really putting a lot of confidence in your ability to wine and dine the big daddy of hell, papi,” Valentino said with a sly smile. “Are you sure you’re up for the job? The king of hell is a different beast in comparison to a bunch of bored housewives.”
“Trust me, Val,” Vox said. “Lucifer is just a praise-starved baby beneath all the angelic power. It won’t be hard to wrap him around my little finger. Besides, it wouldn’t be a chore on my end. Lucy ain’t half bad-looking and I like blondes. My wife was a blonde, actually.”
“YOU HAVE A WIFE?” both Velvette and Valentino exclaimed, jaws dropped.
“When I was a human, yes,” Vox said casually, as if he didn’t radically change the perception his two teammates had of him with one sentence. “Her name was Joyce and we had two daughters, Mary Kate and Cecelia. Joyce was the wife of one of my coworkers at the news network when I met her. First married woman I slept with, actually. Her husband was using her as a beard and made her feel like a piece of garbage in the process so it wasn’t hard to slide my way into her bed. When my coworker had an unfortunate set accident involving a lighting rig, Joyce and I got married eight months after his funeral! I had her pregnant before the end of the year, ha! Our eldest daughter was off at college by the time I died. You should’ve seen our family, it was honestly fucking adorable. Like a glossy magazine! Joyce was utterly miserable before I came into her life, so it made me happy to see her happy.”
“Do you . . . miss her?” Valentino asked, a strange emotion welling up in his eyes.
“Eh,” Vox said, twirling his wrist around as a show of ambivalence. “I was mostly into making her happy because I knew her first husband was incapable of it. She knew nothing about my work on the side and I might’ve killed her if she found out about it. I didn’t hate her but she wasn’t the light of my life or anything. More like a pet than a wife. And I certainly had to keep my fans’ panties hidden from her, that’s for sure. For a long-ass time, I thought Joyce must be fucking immortal if it’s been more than seventy years since I died and I haven’t seen her in hell at all. Then I realized she might have gone to heaven. She didn’t know anything about my secret organization, after all. I thought the adultery would’ve landed her in hot water but maybe she repented at the last second before dying or something. I don’t know and I honestly don’t care anymore. I don’t want her to see me like this anyway. I’m absolutely sure my little girls are in heaven, though. They deserve it, the sweet things. I know I loved them, even though they weren’t boys.”
“Damn, and here I thought you were a lover boy in life,” Velvette said dryly.
“I’m just upset that you didn’t tell me earlier!” Valentino said, putting on a whiny teenage girl effect on his voice. “We could’ve had so many roleplaying sessions where I was your naughty little secretary you were having an affair with!”
“I don’t wanna do that, I already fucked all the secretaries I had in my lifetime!” Vox exclaimed. “Female and male!”
“Can I at least be kept as your main bitch after you marry Lucifer or whatever?” Valentino said, pouting. “I wanna be the queen’s hoe!”
“Only if you and Velvette don’t screw things up for me,” Vox said as he whipped out his cell phone. “Now can the two of you excuse me? I’m taking Lucifer and his daughter out to Dante’s Inferno! I need to ingratiate myself to my future stepdaughter, after all!”