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“Truth or dare?”
Mike’s head was buzzing, from the alcohol, mostly. The beer in his hand was his fourth? Fifth? He lost count eventually, just trying to numb the nerve-wracking beating of his heart. If he pretended he was fine, then he would be fine. A trick that’s worked for him plenty of times before.
He felt a tap on his shoulder, bringing him back into his body. Will’s hand, on his shoulder; his eyes concerned. Mike looked away quickly.
“Mike? You good, buddy?” Lucas asked from across the circle they had all formed on the floor. This was a stupid game—Max’s suggestion. Probably to convince him to do something stupid.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine,” Mike said, rubbing his eyes. Dustin passed him an open can of Coke that he drank from readily. The caffeine wouldn’t help his nerves but maybe it would keep him from zoning out again.
“Truth or dare?” Dustin asked again, once Mike seemed present again.
Mike sighed. “Dare.” He was not feeling in a truthful mood, not tonight.
Not with El sitting next to him, eyes filled with worry glancing at him every few minutes. They hadn’t gotten to really talk about it. Not yet. Mike felt his head starting to spin again and took another sip from the soda can.
Max and Dustin giggled excitedly, unknowingly plotting Mike’s demise. Dustin tapped his fingers together in an impression of an evil supervillain. And for what he said next, maybe he was.
“I dare you to kiss the prettiest person in the room.”
They were all drunk, or at least tipsy. It probably sounded so funny to them.
But Mike thought he was going to die right there at that moment. His face grew hot, and he assumed that’s why the giggles increased.
Kiss her. Mike caught El’s glance, and at least she wasn’t laughing. A sad smile was on her lips, and that concern was still very present in her eyes. They hadn’t talked about it. That they broke up. Two days ago, actually. They fought, again, about something Mike couldn’t even remember so it probably wasn’t important. But it was the nail in the coffin. They weren’t the same people they were when they had started dating in the first place. Too much had happened between them, between everyone. They hugged, and cried in each other's arms for a good five minutes before Mike rode his bike home in silence.
And they hadn’t talked since. But they hadn’t told any of their friends yet, either, and that’s probably why they were so giddy about it. It was nothing to them. Just kiss your girlfriend, Mike. No big deal.
Mike didn’t even know why he let Lucas invite everyone over to his house anyways (he’s a pushover) or why he didn’t say no when Dustin said Steve had given him a pack of beers as an early graduation gift (he wanted to drown out the past few days) but now he’s here: suffering the consequences.
And it would be so, so easy. To kiss El, like he’s used to. It could be small, it could be nothing. And they could talk afterwards and things would be okay again, as okay as they wanted to be.
El was pretty, he had told her that enough times until she believed it herself, until she made “pretty” mean whatever she wanted it to mean. Sometimes she let her hair get curlier as she grew it out, sometimes she would wear a bit of eye shadow borrowed from Max. She found herself, what she liked, how she wanted to look, and Mike would be a liar to say she wasn’t pretty.
But then out of the corner of his eye he saw Will, and his heart stopped beating all together. Because Will was the most beautiful person he had ever seen.
Will’s smile, lighting up his days. Will’s eyes, holding his gaze while they spoke without words. The way he fidgeted when he was nervous or excited, wanting to get his hands on a pencil or paintbrush and just create until the art seeped out of him in beautiful strokes on a page.
Mike looked at Will then, and made a choice. And maybe it was the beer, or the anxiety over the past couple days, or the newness of feeling single again, or maybe it was him just being plain fucking dumb, because he was. He was always an idiot.
Will looked back at him, face worried and eyes confused, and Mike did it anyway. And oh- Oh.
Mike was kissing Will, one hand on his jaw, and the room went silent, and except for the mixtape playing, one that Will brought over. His lips were soft, softer than he’d imagined. And he would never admit how many times he had imagined it. He was a bad person. He knew that. Always an idiot.
When Mike pulled back, eyes open, he met Will’s bewildered gaze and reality came flooding back in. Lucas coughed to break the tension and Max started to stand, hand already reaching for El. El kept her head down, and Mike couldn’t see her face as she grabbed her coat and started to head upstairs with Max, who mumbled something about a cigarette. Lucas didn’t even try to argue with her this time- no matter how much he disliked her habit.
“Nice one, Wheeler,” Max said sarcastically before shutting the basement door behind them.
“Uh,” Dustin started, “that’s not what I thought would happen.” Lucas hit him on the shoulder and Dustin held up his hands in defense.
Mike put his face in his hands and let out a self-pitying groan. He couldn’t look at Will again just yet. He was always such a fucking idiot. He heard the sound of people getting up and moving. Lucas said something about driving Max home. Dustin asked if he could get a ride and Lucas said if his bike got any scratches on his dad’s car he’d kill him. Will said nothing, a silent, stable weight by Mike’s side. Lucas and Dustin left with an awkward “good night” shouted down the stairs.
And then they were alone.
“Mike,” Will said, small and questioning. “Why did you do that?”
Mike peaked at Will through his fingers. His face was flush, lips still pink and parted in surprise. He could see tears welling in Will’s eyes and Mike felt like the biggest fucking idiot ever. It only took him a few beers to fuck everything up. With Will, with El, with all of his friends. He had to go and ruin a perfectly good night, and perfectly good friendships along with it.
Will reached out and grabbed Mike’s wrist, pulling it away from his face and leaving Mike unprotected from the full look of questioning and even fear in his eyes. Mike felt like he would throw up.
“Why?” Will repeated, pleading with him.
Mike shook his head, trying to shake himself out of whatever drunken headspace he found himself in where he thought it would've been okay to do that.
“Because I wanted to,” he admitted instead. First dare, then truth. He owed someone the truth. His skin felt on fire where Will’s hand was still on him. “Because you were the prettiest in the room.” He tried a small smile, trying to seem charming, but it fell flat and it showed when Will found no amusement in it.
“What about El?” Will’s eyes looked like they were searching for something in Mike’s face. Truth.
“We broke up. Two days ago.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
Because it would’ve ruined everything. Too late.
Mike swallowed hard. He looked down at Will’s hand on his, feeling the familiar buzz of the two of them connected. It sobered him up. “I don’t know, honestly. We still haven’t even talked about it. I wanted to call you yesterday but I thought that saying it to someone else would make it more real. And that it would mean something.”
“Mean something?” Will’s eyebrows furrowed. “Mike, what the hell are you talking about?”
But Mike’s already so tired of talking, and the truth is too hard to say when you’re sobering up, so instead of answering he grabs Will by the neck and pulls him in, gently, for another kiss. Will is motionless against him, and he feels his hand come up between them to push them away.
Before Mike could process it, Will stood up and grabbed his jacket, and with one last, sad look at Mike, he walked up the stairs and left.
Left Mike alone in his basement with all the hopes and fears and regrets he had become accustomed to.
He sat there for a moment, taking in the emptiness he felt. He heard the song playing on the mixtape and remembered Will saying it was one of his favorites. Atmosphere, he thought it was called.
Don’t walk away… in silence.
Mike drank the last of his liquid courage, his potion to become Mike the Brave, and chased up the stairs after him. He caught him in the garage, just about to get on his bike. Will stopped, looking back at Mike and he could see the tear stains on his cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” Mike started. “I’m so fucking sorry, Will. I don’t- I shouldn’t have done that. That was so fucking stupid of me- god. You can hate me if you want. You probably do. I deserve it if you do. I’m such an idiot, but I’m sorry, and I can’t lose you again so please don’t go, not now.” The words came tumbling out before he could stop them, and he could feel his own eyes welling up. He wrung his hands nervously, feeling himself get worked up as his heart started beating faster.
“Mike.”
The tears started to fall, and Mike felt like the walls were closing in and he realized that the beer didn’t make him brave; it just made him feel even more lost than he had this past year. “I’m sorry, Will. Please, forgive me,” he begged. He felt Will’s hands on his shoulders but they felt far away. “Please…”
Will let out a deep, pained sigh. “Mike, you need to go to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?” But Mike didn’t want him to leave. He couldn’t be left alone again to just sit in this feeling. He reached out for Will but Will pushed his hands back. “I promise,” Will said softly, and Mike believed him. He stood there, tears falling as he watched Will bike away.
Back inside, he quickly headed up to his room. He wished Nancy were there, back from school already, just so he’d have someone to talk to. Or if he didn’t want to talk she’d let him sit in her room while she rattled off about some new article she was researching, stacks of books left open on her desk. He never imagined himself missing his big sister this much, but they’d been through too much to not be close; to not be there for each other. He would try to call, but it was almost midnight in Boston, and he didn’t want to worry her.
He laid in his bed in silence until the tears stopped. He stared at the painting, Will’s painting, as he had found out a few months ago, until he could barely hold his eyelids open anymore. He slept restlessly, dreaming about a world where he wasn’t such a fuck up.
In the morning it wasn’t Will who he saw first, but Max. Mike had tried to get his mom to turn her away but the glare he received in response let him know that wasn’t an option. So he tugged on the same clothes from last night, tried to smooth his bedhair, and went out to the backyard to meet Max.
“She had told me, you know. About the break up,” Max said, leaning up against a tree, cigarette between her fingers. “She called me like, right after. But I wasn’t surprised, I mean. You guys have been having problems.”
Mike kicked around a small rock, eyes set on the ground so he wouldn’t have to look at her. She was always so judgemental, but she was also one of the only people willing to call Mike on his shit, and he was very glad she was there. “Problems, yeah,” he repeated, half-mindedly.
“But that was a low blow. What were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking! That’s the problem!” Mike stressed, throwing his arms up. “I was stressed, and drinking, and I panicked when Dustin said that and I wasn’t thinking and I just did it.”
Max took a long drag while she sized Mike up. He hoped he didn’t look as disheveled as he felt, but from the pitying look in her eye he didn’t think he was very successful. “But you wanted to, right? Kiss him?”
“Well, yeah,” Mike said, tilting his head. “Obviously.”
A small smile started to make its way to Max’s lips, and she finally handed him the cigarette. He took a hit and let the smoke in his lungs attempt to soothe the anxiety filling his body. He’d tried not to make it a habit, but still found himself following after Max for a smoke every once in a while, but she always made him work for it. He wasn’t allowed a hit until he admitted why he wanted it.
“That’s cute. You’re a dick, still, for doing that to my best friend, but even I can admit that’s pretty cute.” She stole the cigarette back before he could take another hit, and flicked him on the head for good measure. He just grunted in response, not having the energy to give into her baiting today. “So did you talk to him?” she asked, tapping the ashy end off into the dirt.
“Sort of,” Mike said with a shrug. “He asked me why, and I told him I wanted to, and then he asked about El, and I just started freaking out. I tried to apologize so he wouldn’t leave but he just said we’d talk tomorrow and now, here we are.”
The silence worried Mike at first but when he looked over at Max he could tell she was just thinking. “You really are a dumbass sometimes, you know that?”
Mike smiled, just a bit. “How could I forget when you’re always telling me that?” he laughed, and he started to feel a little bit lighter. Max let him have one more hit of the cigarette before stamping it out with her foot.
“You have to call El, like, as soon as possible,” she said next, and Mike let out a sigh.
“I know. I will.” Mike started to head back inside, and Max to her bike.
“And for what it’s worth, Wheeler,” Max said as she grabbed her skateboard from the lawn. “It looked pretty natural.”
Mike stood at the backdoor, eyes wide. “What?” he asked, though he knew exactly what she was referring to. She just gave him a wink before heading off towards Lucas’ house.
It was almost noon by the time he worked up the courage to talk to El. He called on the walkie-talkie. She answered almost immediately, like she had been waiting, which made him feel even more guilty.
“El, I’m really sorry. That was stupid, and I wasn’t thinking properly. I didn’t want to hurt you,” he said. He had practiced an apology speech for about five minutes before giving up and knowing it wouldn’t mean anything unless it was from the heart.
“It’s okay, Mike,” she replied, to Mike’s shock. “I mean, yes, you were stupid. But it’s okay.”
“I-” Mike started, unsure of what to say next now that she had already accepted the apology.
“You could’ve talked to me. We’re friends, still, right? Friends don’t lie.”
Mike fell back onto the couch in the basement. “Well I might have been an even shittier friend than ex-boyfriend this time,” he admitted. “I fucked up.”
He could hear her laugh on the other end and it felt like such a relief to know that they were okay, that they were still friends and he could still talk to her about things. It had felt a lot more like just friendship between them for a while now, and it felt good to get back to that. He wouldn’t know what to do without her.
“Big time,” she agreed. “But it’s Will. I don’t think it’s as bad as you think…” The way she trailed off sounded suspicious, like she knew something.
“What do you mean?” Mike asked.
“Just talk to him, Mike. You need to get better at talking about how you feel.”
He knew it was true, he never had been good at it. Whenever he tried to talk about his feelings, he just sort of panicked, just like the night before. He didn’t have much in the way of healthy male role models when it came to expressing how you feel. His father never expressed more than grunts of annoyance, disagreement, or exhaustion.
“I’ll try,” Mike promised. El wished him luck before they said goodbye.
Will used to be the one person Mike could always be honest with. Ever since they were kids they told each other everything. So when did everything get so complicated? Mike doesn’t really know. Maybe if his life hadn’t been literally flipped upside down at twelve years old, he’d be able to understand more about what he was feeling and why. But the past 6 years had been a messy, tiring, terrifying blur. When was he supposed to analyze his feelings when he was busy making sure his friends were all still alive? But he couldn’t use that excuse anymore.
He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it started. Sometime during the eighteen months Will lived in his house, probably. After Lenora, it had been weird at first. Things were weird with El, too, and they had almost broken up then. They probably should’ve, but Mike was stupid, and selfish, and terrified of being alone. But Will was there, every day, to cheer him up. He had been drawing again, and painting when he could manage the supplies. Karen had let him set up a small studio in the basement where he and Jonathan slept. When Mike was feeling anxious or lonely or even just bored, he’d go down just to watch Will at work.
But instead of acknowledging the tugging at his heart, he pushed it away, deep inside him under lock and key. He didn’t have time for it. None of them had time for it.
And then the world almost ended, El almost died, Will almost died, too. The thought, the possibility of losing both of them almost broke him completely. But by some miracle everyone had survived and Dr. Kay and her experiments had gone down with the Upside Down and Vecna, and they were all free. They could all be normal, finally. Normal took a while to get used to. Normal meant confronting things Mike thought he wouldn’t have to, so instead he just pretended everything was fine while the thoughts in his head started to eat away at him in the night until he could hardly sleep without dreams of Will almost dying over and over again.
Yeah, it had been a long sixteen months. He was lucky he was still on track to graduate in time, but Max had said if she graduated before him after another term of summer school she would kill him, and he didn’t want to give her yet another excuse to, so he asked Dustin for help getting his grades back up.
There was one night, back in November, on the anniversary of everything, where Mike had almost figured out what was going on in his head. It was Lucas’ idea that they all get together. They had all felt weird, stressed, that week. Will explained that the time of year could trigger traumatic stress; he’d been dealing with it for years. Being all together helped. They argued about what to watch for hours until finally settling on (to Max’s displeasure) a Star Wars marathon. They popped the VHS into the spare TV set in Mike’s basement and all settled onto the couch. Lucas and Max took one end, cuddling up under a blanket. Dustin sat down on the floor with the bowl of popcorn in front of him, and Mike took a seat next to Lucas, expecting El to take the spot next to him, but she didn’t. Smiling, she sat down in front of Max and stole some popcorn. Mike looked up at Will, who was still standing and gave him a shrug, and Will took the seat on the couch.
By the time they got to the end of Empire, all of them had drifted off. El’s head was resting against Max’s knee, who was on Lucas’ shoulder. Dustin had laid down with a pillow he stole from the couch. As Mike blinked his eyes open to the credits rolling, he became aware of the soft weight on his shoulder. When he looked over he was met with the sight of Will, eyes closed and hair falling in his face. Mike could tell he was asleep from the short, quiet breaths coming from Will’s lips that he allowed himself to look at for longer than he should have. And that was the moment he knew he wanted to kiss him. He imagined waking him up gently, fingers brushing his hair away and he pressed their lips together.
He was broken out of this fantasy by the sound of El rustling as she shifted to get more comfortable. His eyes shot down to look at her but she didn’t wake, and the relief he felt in that moment quickly turned into guilt. He once again buried it, and never mentioned it to anyone.
Mike was still wallowing in his basement when Will finally showed up, just before dark. When the basement door opened, they met each other's eyes. Will’s, somehow looking more scared than last night, and Mike’s, full of regret and hope. Slowly, Will made his way down and stopped at the bottom of the stairs. He cast his eyes down, fidgeting with his hands again.
“Will,” Mike started, planning on another slew of apologies. Anything to make it better. To fix this between them.
But Will stopped him. “You have to know. All of it.” Mike stayed silent, letting him continue. “I couldn’t sleep last night because I just kept playing it over and over again in my head. It’s so stupid, but I imagined it so many times and then it finally happened and it just, it felt like a joke, Mike. Like you were making fun of me. Or doing it to spite El or something, and that’s fucked up because I don’t want to be a part of whatever fucking game you’re playing. That’s not fair to her, or me. You don’t get to use me for some fucking joke, Mike.” He was trying so hard to hold back the tears and Mike could feel little cracks start to form in his heart. He made Will feel like this by being such a fucking idiot. “And I know you said you’re sorry, and I don’t hate you, but that was a really cruel joke.”
“It wasn’t a joke,” Mike breathed out. “It wasn’t anything like that. It was- I wanted to. I’ve wanted to for a while and that was not the right time and I know that now, obviously, but I panicked. So I kissed you. And I’m sorry that it happened like that, but I’m also… glad I did.”
Will looked shell-shocked. His eyes were still glassy and he opened his mouth to speak again, but nothing came out. So Mike kept going.
“I’m not sorry that I did it, Will. It wasn’t a joke to me, I promise. It... It meant something.”
“What does that mean?” Will cut in. “You said that last night. That talking about the breakup would make it mean something.”
Mike let out a deep breath and raked a hand over his face. This was it. The truth. “I’ve been so scared, for so long. I didn’t know of what for the longest time but, I think I’m starting to figure it out. And that’s also scary, which is great. Life is fucking scary, and we’ve dealt with scary shit before but this is different, beacuse it’s me.” He was rambling already. “I’m scared of me, Will, and the things I’ve been feeling all these years, and I was scared that if I thought too much about them that would make them mean something. Which is stupid, I know, because of course they mean something. But I think I also wanted so badly to be normal, as much as I could given everything. But pretending to be normal doesn’t make it true. And that’s why I’ve been a shit friend, and a shit boyfriend, and just shit in general, and I’m sorry for how I treated you. But I was so fucking scared, Will.”
Mike didn’t know when he started crying. He didn’t know if any of this made any sense, but he hoped that if one person in the world could understand him it would be Will. It always would be Will.
Will didn’t say anything as he moved closer, moving down to be level with Mike and reaching his hand out, putting it on his shoulder and Mike felt like he could break under the pressure of it. “What are you scared of, Mike?” he asked in a whisper. And Mike looked into those eyes he had known since he was six years old, and he knew it at that moment.
Maybe he was still just being a fucking idiot, and maybe it would just ruin everything between them even more but he had to try, at least, if he were ever going to get over his fear. “That I love you.”
The world could’ve come crashing down at that moment. The earth could’ve split down the middle, again, and still nothing could’ve stopped what was going to happen next.
Will crashed their lips together and Mike felt his heart explode. It was a teary, messy kiss and Mike held onto Will’s face like it would be pried away from him at any moment. But even if the universe tried, Mike wouldn't let it happen because now that he knew it was like to kiss WIll, and to have Will kiss him back, he never wanted to know another feeling.
But of course Will pulled away, though he kept their faces close, foreheads together and noses bumping as tears streamed down both of their faces. “Finally,” Will whispered and Mike couldn’t help the laugh that choked its way out of his throat.
“Finally?” he asked.
“I don’t think you know how long I’ve hoped to hear you say that.”
Mike’s heart tugged in his chest again. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
Will scoffed. “Seriously? How about your girlfriend? Or the evil wizard that was trying to kill us?”
Mike shrugged. “Probably could’ve saved me some time,” he half-heartedly joked. “I’m such an idiot.”
Will laughed and kissed him again and Mike never wanted him to stop. “Yes, Mike, you are an idiot.”
Maybe being an idiot was part of Mike’s normal. He could accept that, in time, as long as Will being there, kissing him, was part of it too. Maybe he would be okay, after all. He just needed to stop being so goddamn scared.