Chapter Text
There was a lot of preparation involved in this expedition. Maps drawn, plans made, food packed and rationed, equipment gathered. But there were no uniforms. No crowd of jeering (or cheering) people to see them off (unless you counted Moblit and the kids from the 104th class). There was no objective. Moblit didn’t even ask them to map where they traveled (though Hange was going to anyway). They were only given a government mandated year long recovery period for long time veterans. In Erwin’s mind a year was not long enough to even begin to recover from the horrors they lived through, but it was all Moblit could convince the higher ups to concede to. After all there was a whole new world free of titans to explore, and the Survey Corps were the only people who knew anything about it.
All Erwin wanted to do was freely ride through the land he’d once fought on and actually enjoy the scenery. He didn’t know how to react when Hange invited herself, but he was glad she did. And Levi seemed to worm his way in and although he feigned indifference, it was clear he was also interested in exploring. So it was agreed between them: they’d ride out as far as they felt like it and just relax and camp as they saw fit. It was a fitting way to start off their year. Or so Erwin believed.
It was strange, eerie even to just casually ride out of the walls, to see people building homes and cultivating farms. Hange, who was usually very talkative at the beginning of an expedition was silent, just looking at everyone and everything and Levi was watching her. Her lips were a thin line as she watched the goings on around her. Thankfully, it seemed that the less people they saw, the more she spoke. It was almost as though she were more afraid of the humans she fought to save than the titans she killed.
When they were a few miles out, when there were no more people to be seen, she was talking non stop. Levi rolled his eyes, but Erwin was glad she was herself.
“Permission to ride ahead, Commander!” she cried.
“I’m not ‘Commander’ right now. Go ahead, just stay within sight,” he said.
She laughed and urged her horse forward, letting out a wild holler as she rode ahead. It was a bizarre feeling to Erwin. For once, the wind in his hair from the meadow did not immediately fill him with caution. True, instead of titans, there were other animals to worry about. But those could be handled far more easily.
Erwin noted Levi was far less at ease.
“Come on, Levi. Breathe in that fresh air,” Erwin said. Levi grunted and kept his eyes on Hange.
“You both are fucking nuts,” he said.
They didn’t talk much. Even when they set up camp for the night, Hange did most of the talking. Levi poked at the fire and responded appropriately when prompted and Erwin wrote in his journal. He didn’t have much to say. He found it odd that he was censoring himself in a journal that no one will probably read. There was no one clawing to know his secrets anymore. But he shot a glance at Hange and Levi. Levi who had his head on Hange’s shoulder, utterly exhausted, his eyes half lidded as he nodded while she spoke. Hange, who’s loud and animated tone, had gotten much gentler and softer. He had never seen Levi express fatigue so clearly and he only rarely saw Hange’s gentler side. Sometimes when she consoled younger soldiers he saw it. Sometimes when she spoke with Moblit or Levi, or when she used speak with Mike and Nanaba he saw traces of it. And Levi...sometimes Erwin had the bad habit of forgetting Levi was human and needed to sleep. But Levi’s crisp sheets belied the idea that he very rarely slept in his bed, if he slept at all. Maybe the years of sleep debt were catching up to him at that very moment.
Erwin couldn’t write as he watched Levi’s eyes finally close almost in defeat. Hange seemed to know he was sleeping, she rested her cheek on his head and held his hand. And she started humming a lullaby. Something about the scene made Erwin’s chest tight and he tried to focus on writing. He still wasn’t all that great at writing with his left hand, so it was a half way decent distraction.
He wanted them to have quiet moments like this. Erwin prayed to all deities that existed, were made up, dethroned, and unknown, that they took his advice, that they never regretted a decision. If anyone were to bear the weight, to feel the regret, to be punished in whatever the afterlife were to bring, it was him. And he’d carry it all for their peace.