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It's late at night, and you cannot sleep.
You spent the first half of the night tossing and turning, the loud sounds from downstairs keeping you awake. But eventually you fell into an uneasy sleep, fragmented images haunting your rest.
And now you're awake again.
What was it that woke you? Was it the noise? That's what you guessed at first, but no. The house was completely silent, now, not even a creak to be heard.
Maybe that's what woke you, then. The eerie silence. And along with it, the creeping fear that you're alone in this house, that there's no one there to save you if something comes bump in the night.
This has happened before - the speeding up of your breath as you start thinking too deeply, the way your chest feels tight and it feels like your ears are ringing. It happened just yesterday, when you fought the Knight. When you fought Dess. It's strange, isn't it? It's just Dess.
Maybe because it's Dess. Because she was there with you, that first time in the dark, when you hadn't learned fear yet. You wish you had. Maybe if you had, you would've pulled her back before she went diving into the dark.
And now she's there in the dark, somewhere, and maybe that should reassure you, but all it does is make you curl further into your blankets like it could somehow save you from what's coming.
Your eyes, still peeking out of the top of your blankets, dart around the room. They land on Asriel's stars, and while usually the faint, scattered light is enough to calm you down, right now, it's not enough. It's just another reminder that you're alone in here.
Azzy's off at college, and he's left you here. Mom's enjoying herself with someone new, and she's left you here. Dad's watching his flowers, waiting for his chance, but he's left you here. And Dess?
Dess hasn't left you. She's the only one who hasn't. So you hate that a part of you just wishes she would.
You think of more names. Ralsei can't come here, even if he wanted to, and would he really? Noelle's moved on - no, you were never really friends in the first place. She said it herself, and it was your fault for thinking there was more to it at all. And Susie...is so kind. Too kind. But you know when she finds out what you're doing, she'll give up on you. Isn't she already drawing away, with the way she forgot your offer and shouted that she'd go with Noelle? It's only a matter of time.
It's not just the lack of air clawing at your ribs, now. It's the feeling of emptiness. Of loneliness, so powerful you feel like it'll crush your way through your ribs and tear you apart. That already happened to Dess, so how long will it be for you? Until what lurks in the darkness lunges towards and gobbles you up, your pitiful cocoon and the soft light on the walls not nearly enough to stop it?
There's a rattle from the side of the room, and your breath freezes. You don't want to look, but a part of you has to, so slowly, feeling lightheaded as you do, you turn.
Oh. You don't know how, with the way it's been digging its way through your ribcage the past few days, but somehow, you'd forgotten about it.
It. The red SOUL. The parasite that you willingly accepted into yourself, lovingly carving out a home for it where you should've had a heart. Not love for the SOUL, of course - love for Dess, the Dess you remembered, the one you wanted to save. The one you'd failed once already.
What was your own SOUL, in the face of what she'd already lost? What was the pitiful loss of a few days of control, when she struggled against herself at every given moment, a constant battle against the dark? That was what you'd thought when you'd plunged the knife into your chest. And it'd hurt, of course it had, but it burned with the sweetness of love.
It didn't do that, anymore. It just ached, the space that was only held together by the thin red thread of the promise you'd made her. You'd save her. You'd make up for your stupidity. Then why does your resolve keep wavering, anyway? And why do you shiver like this when you're alone at night?
But not quite alone, right? Your breathing is easier, now, but your eyes are locked onto it. The red glowing heart, in the cage you'd carefully prepared for it. Well, one of the two - the other is the hollow space nestled in your chest.
It's still. So still that you almost think that you imagined the sound of the cage's bars rattling, that it was just the rush of blood through your head. You watch it warily, but even under your unblinking gaze, you can't find even a hint of motion.
Can SOULs have nightmares, without bodies to hold them? Do they sleep, more soundly than you yourself have been able to in so many years?
You know, at least, that this one thinks. It fought so hard against you today, trying to get to Dess' guitar. As if you could let it have that, for more reasons than one. The parasite inside you has already earned the affection of everyone - you can't bear the idea of it having Dess, too. Especially the parts of Dess that only exist in your memory, right now. You won't let them be taken by anyone.
But right now it's quiet, the same as the rest of the room. The light from outside has been snuffed out by dark clouds, but its light still shines, low and steady. Light enough to kill a Titan. To slay the darkness itself.
Curling into yourself, you begin to cry, soft and silent. You don't even know why. You haven't cried in so long. Even after Dess disappeared, the tears were frozen before you could even let them fall. You were the only one left - how could you let your weakness be seen? Not when there was no one left to protect you, anymore.
You don't even feel sad, you just feel empty. Numb, really. But the tears keep coming, and you don't really know how to stop them. All you can do is keep your eyes fixed on the light across the room, even as it grows blurrier and blurrier. There's a sense of urgency in you, a feeling that if you looked away for even a second, it'd be snuffed out, too. The only light that's been able to conquer the darkness for you.
You blink away your remaining tears, squeezing your eyes tightly to make sure they stay stopped. Then, gently, you push yourself out of your bed, standing on the ground with unsteady feet.
You've gotten better at this. Living with the hollow in your chest. It's nothing like the first day, when you struggled to stand up - it's nearly effortless, except for the way your chest squeezes around you as you sway there for a moment. But maybe that's just because you've been emptied out in more than one way.
Slowly, quietly, you pad your way over to the cage in the corner of the room. Maybe the thing inside is asleep, or maybe it just doesn't want to break the stillness of the moment. But it doesn't move, even when you grab the handle of the cage and wheel it over to the center of your room.
You pause. There's a reason you put it in a cart - to make it more difficult for the SOUL to tip it over and push its way out. There's a reason you kept it on the other side of the room too. But right now, you're just so tired - even though you know you should care, you can't. All the tears leached that out of you, and so even though you know it's a bad idea, you still carefully pick the cage out of its cart and place it on the nightstand next to you.
There. You climb onto your bed and back under the covers, the comforting red light blanketing you too. It felt warm, somehow, though maybe that was just your imagination. Still, your exhaustion is washing over you like a wave, making it impossible to keep your eyes open or even to stay awake a little longer.
...You hope it doesn't move. You want to trust it, even though you probably shouldn't. It's not the stupidest decision you've made, the worst person you've relied on. So what's wrong with making another one, caving in to the fissure in your chest? Is it so stupid of you to trust the fact it makes you feel safe?
Probably. But you're too tired to think on it, and so within moments, you've fallen back into the silence of sleep. You dream on, bathed by the light of the SOUL.
And there the SOUL sits all night, quietly. Shining a warm light over the person next to it.