Work Text:
On one ordinary Tuesday, Tommy and Määnin had decided to head to City Grillen after band practice. They were side by side, leaning against the front of Mrs. Börns and already finishing up their meals.
"I don't understand how you can eat that,"
Määnin remarked as he leaned in closer to look at Tommy's go-to order. The remains of a hamburger, bacon, egg, salad and pineapple. And fries, generously covered in Bearnaise sauce. Määnin was expecting some back-talk from Tommy because he usually always defended his food choices, no matter how absurd they may be to others. But that time he was really quiet and just ate the last of his food without saying a word. Actually, he'd barely said anything after ordering his food, which Määnin had thought would be impossible for him. Määnin couldn't help but wonder if he actually had even tasted anything he'd put in his mouth. There hadn't seemed to be any kind of focus on what he was doing. And once Tommy was done, he just kept staring at the empty food container and poking at it with his fork, a sort of uneasy look on his face. Määnin emptied his carton of milk and glanced to his left. The brim of Tommy's cap left his eyes in a shadow, but his expression was still easy to read, like always. Something was definitely on his mind.
"Tommy?"
No response. Only the repetitive, quiet poking at the bottom of the container and the plastic fork leaving little, barely noticeable dents in it.
"Toms, hey? Do you hear me?"
It took Määnin needing to place his hand on Tommy's arm to get any kind of reaction.
"You good, man?"
Then Tommy finally turned his head, looking like he'd been caught off guard. No, he was not good.
"You just haven't.. been as loud as usual."
A flash of some sudden emotion flashed over Tommy's eyes as he bit his lip. Embarrassment of being found out? How could he ever talk about any of this to Määnin? He had been running in circles for weeks as he'd tried to find some answers and even just to come to terms with himself and the way he felt. Would Määnin be able to understand? Or would Tommy, by speaking up, only ruin their friendship?
Tommy turned to face away from Määnin, once more. Suddenly flustered by the situation and the silence growing between them, he threw the container on the ground. He felt awful, horrified, even, and could have sworn that his face was slowly turning red. He wouldn't be able to turn to look at Määnin, no matter how much he wanted to do so. Määnin was looking at him. Of course Tommy couldn't say for sure, but he had a feeling. Looking at him and waiting for some kind of explanation. One he didn't how to give. If the ground was ever to open up and swallow him whole, now would be the time for it. But of course it didn't happen. Maybe he hadn't made a big enough fool of himself, yet.
He took a hesitant breath, hands clenching into fists and his nails, as short as they were, digging into his palms.
"..I'm—"
He tried to say something, he really did. His problem simply was that he allowed himself to think about it too much. He should have just forced the words out. Under normal circumstances he never had this problem, not ever. He just said what needed to be said. But now..
Tommy really was struggling. And growing more anxious because of it. Still facing away, he crossed his arms across his chest, focusing on how familiar the denim felt under his fingers.
"...I'm gay,"
he finally said, his voice barely above a whisper. He heard something fall off the hood of the car as Määnin turned to look at him once more, his movements now more hurried. He was surprised, it was clear. Surprised.. and maybe.. No, most definitely disgusted. Tommy had fucked everything up. The next thing he'd know would be Määnin getting in the car and driving away, leaving Tommy with no other options than to walk the rest of the way home. Or to call Freppa, which he wouldn't do. Not this time, because he would of course want to know what had happened for things to end like that. Tommy felt a weak shiver as he fell ever deeper into the abyss of his mind. He was spiraling. Now the truth was out there and Määnin would hate him for it. He wouldn't want to be friends with Tommy anymore. Their friendship would be over, and so would be the story of Vörjeans. Or.. maybe Freppa would turn his back on Tommy as well, and him and Määnin would keep the band going without Tommy. They'd just find themselves a new lead singer. Maybe change the band's name, too, since Tommy had been the one to come up with it. They'd erase all traces of him and move on with their lives. Maybe they'd talk about it everywhere, too. Not that they'd need to. Word would get around, either way. Everyone would know that Tommy Tall, one of the founding members of Vörjeans, was gay and had been kicked out of the band because of it.
He squeezed his eyes shut as he, for his horror and shame, felt the tears forcing themselves out. He hugged himself a little tighter and felt his shoulders actually tremble as he bowed his head. What had been left of his composure, was now crumbling away one little bit at a time.
"..Okay?"
Määnin was clearly trying to digest the news the best he could. Tommy still wouldn't look his way. This was torture. And he would keep twisting the knife in his own wound for as long as possible. He deserved it. He did. Määnin would never return his feelings.. Would never love him. And the realization was threatening to break him apart.
"Ar— Are you crying?"
This was it. He was gay and weak. Straight up pathetic. His life was over.
"Tommy..?"
The trembling of his shoulders got only worse as ugly sobs escaped his lips.
"..There there.."
Määnin patted his shoulder and tried to comfort him. His attempts were a fair bit awkward and he was clearly not prepared to properly deal with such emotions, but he did his best. Tommy felt like such a mess and failed to understand why Määnin was still there. Why hadn't he left? Surely he wanted to now that he'd seen Tommy at his worst. He should, it would make things better for him and worse for Tommy. There couldn't possibly be any other way out of this. Tommy could still feel a hand patting his back. Why did Määnin bother to still keep up the act? To only torment him further? Yet another pathetic sob pushed itself up Tommy's throat. He wanted to tell Määnin to leave. But the words wouldn't come out.
Tommy couldn't hold himself back any longer. His feelings had grown way too large to be ignored, and his body seemed to follow its own commands and desires now. That was exactly when, and why, he found himself clinging to Määnin, wrapping his arms around the man. Tommy's cheeks were still stained with tears when he pressed his head against Määnin's denim jacket, breathing him in. He could still feel Määnin's hand patting his back, almost like he wasn't sure what else to do. The repeating motion felt comforting.
"Come on, now.. It's okay, man,"
he then heard Määnin's words.
"...It is?"
Tommy asked with a broken sniffle. He could barely even believe the words he was being told.
"..Yeah, man, I'm cool with it,"
Määnin promised. He sure did sound like he meant it, too. His voice didn't waver even a little bit. He was no longer patting Tommy's back, but his hand still remained there, holding him.
"...Oh."
That was all Tommy was able to say, anymore.