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“Things get big and scary when you keep it bottled up. Sometimes just saying it aloud and seeing their reaction is all you need for assurance.
Tim ran Hayleigh's words through his mind all throughout the evening, anxiety bubbling up through his guts and settling into something nauseous in the back of his throat. And when Tim sat silently at dinner, zoning out while his roommate was trying to ask him about his day, he knew Jay had noticed.
“Sorry, I'm just… tired,” Tim settled on. Jay scrunched his nose in response, obviously not buying it, but knowing better than to push.
“Do you wanna watch TV? They have a new episode of our show.”
Tim wasn’t quite sure when things started to become ‘theirs’. It probably started long before he could remember, back when they were still on the run from that Thing. They had to get up and go so quickly they shoved all of their clothes into one bag, not caring enough about who wore what. They shared money, food, clothes, and most notably space. It was strange when they first moved in, despite now officially owning something together for the first time, the size of their apartment more than rivaled that of some shitty, one bed, motel in the middle of Alabama. They had the option of privacy now, to navigate what they wanted to willingly share with each other, as opposed to the forced vulnerability their prior situation established. That process of going from dependency to structured trust was a long one, two years in the making to be exact, and along the way they had begun to rebuild their shared possessions, and the show they binged after dinner every other night was one of them.
“Sure,” he agreed easily, thankful for the out.
About 15 minutes into their show and Tim didn't feel any better. Actually, the gnarling feeling in his stomach only worsened. Jay leaned against his side, the two of them cozied up under a shared blanket, one that should have cocooned them safety, but instead made Tim sticky with sweat. Jay’s watchful eyes continued to flicker over to monitor Tim’s condition from time to time, and the frequency of those glances increased when Tim began to bounce his leg in attempts to offput his nervous energy.
Tim had decided he was going to tell Jay. He had long enough to think about Hayleigh’s words to cement the choice in his head. But the more they sank into their normal routine, the more Jay continued to quip casually and softly about the happenings with the show, the more he leaned against him, so warm and beautifully real, Tim panicked. The longer he pictured a confession leaving his mouth, the faster he pictured his routine with Jay being ripped away from him. He liked all of the things that had become ‘theirs’ and he liked all the things that were still ‘his.’ Would acknowledging the big, romantic, elephant in the room suddenly turn that all on its head?
Only when Tim began biting on his nails did Jay press again, placing a gentle hand on Tim's arm.
“Hey, you okay? We can just head to bed if you want.”
Tim opened his mouth to speak but his words seemed to fail him. He searched his recall of his and Haleigh’s conversation for guidance, again repeating her words in his head,
“Things get big and scary when you keep them bottled up. Sometimes just saying it aloud and seeing their reaction is all you need for assurance.
He took in a shaky breath, placing his hand atop of Jay’s, shifting so that he was leaning against Jay instead. He was quickly accommodated into his friend’s side, Jay's thin lanky arm now serving to protect Tim's shoulder from the cold. Tim tucked his head against Jay’s shoulder, breathing in deep and long, hoping that somehow the scent would linger in his lungs forever, keeping his chest warm in the event Jay wasn't there to hold him anymore.
The silence around the two was heavy. Tim could practically hear the gears turning in Jay's head, likely debating if he should talk or not. Tim decided he would give the man a break. They were adults and they would figure it out right here, right now. So, he pried his head off of Jay's shoulder, creating a little distance between them despite wanting nothing more than to just crawl into Jay's lap and cling onto him forever.
“Im sorry for being weird,” he started. “Just got a lot on my mind.”
Jay cocked his head, curious and worried eyes scanning him as if he could see into him. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
Tim gnawed on the inside of his cheek, mulling over the question as if he hadn’t already made up his mind hours ago. “Yeah. I’m just worried how you’ll react.” He looked up to Jay, his eyes also searching. The noise of the TV faded into a dull hum as Tim took in the man in front of him. His soft hair was illuminated by the TV’s glow. It was longer now, cut into some sort of shaggy thing that framed his face and brought out his cheekbones. While his face still possessed its angular nature, it had filled out a little over the years, cheeks no longer gaunt and his eyes, while still rimmed with dark circles, at least seemed less sunken. Tim also took a moment to appreciate the relatively new appearance of his scruffy beard. Jay joked at one point when Tim started shaving more often that “at least one of them had to have a beard”. While Jay's was a lot thinner than Tim's once neglected beard, that didn’t change his urge to run his fingers across the wiry hair there–to know what it felt like against his lips.
“I can’t guarantee how I'll react but I'm ready to listen if you wanna talk,” Jay’s pretty lips offered.
And Tim just hummed in response, the thought of Jay's lips against his own too loud in his head to allow him to form a sentence. Jay must’ve noticed him pointedly staring at his lips, because he flushed, ears turning a bright red as his eyes darted towards the TV. Fuck, no, earth to Tim- kissing Jay was only part of what he wanted to address.
“I actually just wanted to tell you that uh…” Tim swallowed, sweat now coating his back entirely. He opened his mouth, the words flowing out as if he had said them a thousand times, “I love you.”
Jay turned, breath caught in his throat, his eyes were wide and mouth parted in shock. Tim flushed, panic withering down into pinkening embarrassment. He crossed his arms across his chest, staring down at his feet.
“Don’t act like it's a surprise,” he grumbled.
Jay cleared his throat, finally coming to his senses. “I… I just never thought we’d say it out loud.”
Tim’s eyes slid over to Jay, his racing heart finally starting to calm down. “Well I said it out loud. It’s your turn now,” Tim teased, leaning back into Jay's space.
“I love you,” Jay responded easily. It took so little for the phrase to slip out of both of their mouths that Tim suddenly started to feel silly for demonizing it. But that didn't eliminate all of his worries, despite how un-fucking-beleivibley amazing it was to hear Jay finally say that aloud. Tim smiled, finally letting his hand reach up and caress Jay's cheek, brushing his thumb through the bit of stubble that lay there.
“I want a relationship with you, but I've been worried things are going to change if I say that aloud. That’s what I was thinking about.”
Jay raised a brow. “Change how?”
Tim sucked in a breath just to sigh it out. “I don't know. I just want things to stay the same. I like this… this normal that we have going on.”
Jay only moved further into Tim's hand in response, grabbing the hand and pressing his palm to his mouth in a soft kiss. When he finally parted from Tim's hand, he was looking at him with a grin. “The only thing I now want to do differently is kiss you.”
All that cheesy smirk did was inspire Tim to shove Jay's face away from his. “You’re not gonna get any with a face like that.”
“What?!” Jay squawked. “You can’t just say you love me and then call me ugly!”
Tim smiled, enjoying Jay's responsiveness. “I can do whatever I damn please.” Hayleigh was right, keeping things all locked up really amplified the situation. Now that he was here, he was reminded. This was Jay he was talking about. Wonderful, funny, understanding, and a bit annoying at times- Jay. Jay who was about two inches away from his face now.
“Well then, would you please get over yourself and kiss me?” Jay paused, brow twitching with concern briefly “Only if you want to,” he tagged on. The longer Tim took to respond the quicker his confidence seemed to recede. “If you don't want to I’m okay with-”
Before Jay could continue with any more nonsense, Tim leaned forward, connecting their lips roughly. The kiss wasn't really anything more than tight, lip to lip contact, but the two sunk into it regardless. When they pulled away they were both giving each other dopey smiles. “I am more than okay with kissing,” Tim affirmed.
“Oh thank god,” Jay sighed in relief. “Were there more things you had in mind that you were worried about?”
“Eh… I guess I was worried about being able to preserve my space? I need to be alone sometimes and I uh- I’ve never actually dated anyone before so I’m worried there some expectations or some bullshit I’d forget and-”
“Let me stop you there. I also haven't dated anyone.”
“Oh, Really?” Tim put on his best baffled expression, earning him a playful punch in the side.
“Don’t act shocked, you dick. You remember what I told you about my life before, I had nothing. I mean, I did have crushes now and again but I didn't ever do anything with them. Always felt like I wasn’t cut out for those types of things–that maybe deep relationships weren't my thing ya’ know? I think that was just my way of justifying why I didn't have any friends.”
“I get that. I mean I clung to Brian like a lifeline because of that same issue,” Tim started, the room suddenly falling tense. He cleared his throat. “But even he was insensitive about my mental health sometimes. But at least I knew he wouldn’t run to the hills screaming when he found out I was crazy. It’s hard to get close to people like that when you feel like you have so much to hide.”
“You’re not crazy, Tim,” Jay affirmed. “But I understand. And I don't care for PDA or–I don't know–flowers and chocolate on Valentine's Day. I just want to be close to you and however I can do that is fine with me. I think we’ve already crossed the line of platonic a long time ago,” he mused.
Tim snorted, leaning his head against Jay's shoulder again. “Yeah, you're right.”
“You just gotta let me know if you want space, I can't read your mind,” to further the message Jay tapped his finger on Tim's temple.
“Did you know that was one of my bigger delusions?”
“What, mind reading?”
Tim hummed, intertwining his fingers with Jay. “Yeah. Or just, that if I wasn’t careful people could hear my thoughts and they were judging me on them, especially my intrusive ones. Meds help, but the lurking paranoia is always there… privacy is important to me.”
“Makes sense why you slugged me for sharing all your info online then,” Jay teased, squeezing Tim into a hug.
“Oh, shut up. I’ll do it again if you keep bringing it up.”
“Well I'd be careful if I were you, I think that counts as domestic abuse, now.”
Tim laughed, sinking into Jay's arms. “What a romantic, you are.”
“Mhm, you’re lucky to have me,” Jay said between a yawn. “It is getting late though.” Jay paused, likely considering his words. “Do you wanna sleep together- like in my bed- literally resting?” Jay stammered out.
Tim thought for a moment before shrugging. “I suppose I could clear my schedule and “literally rest” with you,” he quoted.
“Wow, I’m honored!” Jay stood, dragging Tim along with him to the bathroom. “It must have been very hard for a man like yourself to make time for little ole me.”
Tim laughed, something soft and fond. “You’re stupid.”
After a couple more minutes of back and forth, a couple of not so quick kisses, then the process of actually getting ready for bed, the two lied snuggled up in Jay's bed, legs entwined and bodies heavy with sleep much like they had done in the past. Only there was no risk of nightmares proceeding their company, only the warm, familiar satisfaction found in knowing they were allowed to want this closeness unconditionally. As Tim breathed in deep, comfortable, not constrained by the presence of Jay surrounding him, he drifted off to sleep, knowing that tomorrow would bring another day with the man that he loved.