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Buck and Eddie keep to themselves on the way to their latest call. The engine feels so empty and eerily quiet since Chimney fired Hen. With Ravi taking the day off, there’s space for them to stretch out if they want to.
Buck doesn’t want to. He loves the feeling of all of them riding together. Even on the hottest SoCal days, when the AC isn’t doing nearly enough, it’s comforting to know they all have each other’s backs.
Now, it’s just him and Eddie. Chimney rides up front with his head resting against the window, lost in the same daze he’s been in for the last week.
Buck figures it's best not to press, even though a part of him is upset with Chimney, too. His decision just seemed rushed and reactionary, something Buck is all too familiar with. He thought Chimney was above that.
Eddie disagrees, which makes this whole situation even more complicated. They try to avoid the topic, knowing their opinions differ, but it's hard when you live and work together.
This morning, for example, proved further why they should just let Hen and Chimney work this out by themselves.
They were sweeping the floor:
“Someone needs to talk to him,” Eddie says. Together, they look up at Chimney, who’s typing away on his computer in the dining room.
“Yeah, they do,” Buck replies with another push of the broom.
He looks to Eddie, who is already looking at him with an eyebrow raised.
“So, are you gonna?” Buck asks.
Eddie’s brows push together. “I thought you were gonna—”
Buck would rather be on toilet duty for a month than talk to Chimney.
“Well, I’m his brother-in-law,” he starts his excuse, “I can’t be the one to tell him he made a massive mistake firing Hen.” Buck swallows hard, never having voiced that out loud to Eddie.
Eddie’s eyes flicker, registering Buck’s opinion.
“Well, I’m her new work-husband. I can’t be the one to tell him I side with her,” he responds, words laced with bitterness. “Even if what he did was warranted,” he adds, pulling his eyes away from Buck and down to the floor with the sweep of the broom.
Buck stops in his tracks mid-push.
“Warranted?” He questions. “So you’re not on Hen’s side. You’re on his! You’re on the side of the firing squad.” This is exactly what he was afraid of.
Eddie clears his throat and moves a few feet ahead of Buck. “She lied, Buck.”
“Well, maybe she was scared,” Buck counters. He recalls his own experience, back when he fought hard to return to work while still on bloodthinners. He was so terrified he’d never be a firefighter again, so he took drastic measures to ensure he would.
To his credit, it worked, even if the lawsuit drove a rift between him and the rest of the 118.
A part of him really understands why Hen went to the lengths she did, and his heart aches with the idea that Chimney, her best friend, would drop her when she’s already at her lowest.
Eddie turns around to face him directly. “Did he go a little far? Yeah, but that’s just the chain of command.”
Not this again.
Their faces are inches apart, a familiar closeness turned sour with betrayal.“Oh, my God, you and your ‘chain of command.’” Buck fires back, using his fingers as air quotes. “Yes, sir. Eddie, sir.” He salutes.
“Just go back to sweeping, Buck.” Eddie narrows his eyes and smacks his lips.
Before Buck can respond, before he can continue to press into an argument he’d avoided having, they hear a thundering voice enter the firehouse. “WHERE THE HELL IS HE?” It can only belong to Sergeant Athena Grant.
The siren blares, bouncing around the inside of the engine in place of their usual casual conversations.
Eddie’s sitting across from him, to Buck’s right. He stares out the window, sighing here and there, and fiddles with his wedding ring.
Buck knows he’s exhausted and overworked. With Eddie being their only full-time A-shift paramedic, the pressure has been relentless, even though Eddie refuses to admit it.
Because of the extra hours, Buck’s been run ragged with his other job: Dad. Christopher’s first year of high school hasn’t gone as smoothly as expected, so the challenge of getting him adjusted has worn Buck down in ways he can’t let himself acknowledge. Not when Eddie is already caring so much for their family and the 118.
He wants to hold his hand and reassure him that this is only temporary. Buck’s not sure he believes it himself, and it’s unfair to lie to Eddie even if it’s to comfort him.
The engine pulls to a stop outside Howie’s Market.
Buck’s eyes go wide at the realization. Eddie doesn’t seem to notice, but Buck knows he remembers what happened the last time they were here.
It was right after they started dating, right at the point where Buck would consider their relationship “serious.”
It’s the location of their first real fight. An argument so gut-wrenching, it left Buck wondering if he’d lost Eddie forever.
Now, it serves as a reminder of how easily they can end up divided, even when they’re fighting for the same thing.
Eddie and Chimney hop out of the engine first. Buck trails behind.
“Let’s see what we’re dealing with,” Chimney says.
Buck meets Eddie’s eyes for a brief moment of shared concern.
“Shooter. Swiped the security guard’s gun and shot him in the chest.” Athena hands them bulletproof vests.
“A robbery,” Buck concludes.
“No, it seems to be a mental health crisis,” Athena corrects him. “This man’s on a hair trigger. Everyone made it out, but the guard’s still in there with him.”
“What do we know about this guy?” Eddie inquires.
“Benjamin Cowan.” A woman Buck’s never met walks up to join them. “He’s a vet.”
“Alex Doyle,” Athena introduces her. “She’s with the LAPD SMART team.”
Buck’s never heard of the SMART team before.
“Systemwide Mental Assessment Response Team,” Alexs explains, answering his question out loud.
“You said this guy’s a vet?” Eddie asks. Buck’s eyes linger on him, recognizing the weight this might carry for Eddie.
Alex scrolls through Benjamin’s profile on her tablet. “Unit Supply Specialist in 92Y. Suffered a TBI in a raid outside Baghdad. Discharged shortly thereafter,” she reads.
“We’re tracking down his mother now,” Athena adds.
“Wait, Supply Specialist? No, that’s gotta be wrong,” Eddie chimes in. “If he was Supply, he wouldn’t have been in combat.” Alex looks confused, though impressed at his knowledge.
Buck rests a hand on Eddie’s shoulder. “Eddie’s a vet too. Army medic with a silver star.” He flashes a smile at Eddie and rubs his thumb back and forth.
Eddie’s cheeks flush red, and he stifles a breath. “That was a long time ago,” he deflects, “but I can still help.”
She hands Eddie the iPad so he can take a look for himself. After a moment, Eddie puts the pieces together. “This guy’s got SERE training. Fluent in Arabic. It may say Supply, but I think he might’ve been intelligence.”
He hands the tablet back to Alex. “Like a spy?”
Eddie shakes his head. “More like undercover.”
Alex considers this. “He could be dissociating. It’s not uncommon for someone with PTSD to have flashbacks.”
A bead of sweat forms on Eddie’s forehead. Buck notices a nervous twitch in his hands.
He’s been by Eddie’s side for all of it, the good and the bad.
And a few years ago, it was really bad for Eddie. The panic attacks, the mood swings, the PTSD. Eddie’s been exactly where Benjamin is now, trapped in his own head like an inescapable prison.
Buck was there to help him through it, a stabilizing force when Eddie felt anything but. Even today, it hurts to see how much of that burden Eddie still carries with him.
“Let’s get you inside then.” Alex looks over to Eddie. “The security guard went down in the initial shooting, so we’ll need a paramedic, and with your experience, you can help pull Benjamin out of it.”
Whoa, wait. They want Eddie to go inside and face an extremely violent PTSD victim who is currently armed with a loaded gun.
Eddie nods, accepting the assignment. Buck can’t believe it.
“Um, if you could excuse us for one second.” Buck doesn’t wait for an answer. He grabs Eddie by the arm and pulls him aside, just out of earshot of the others.
Eddie rips his arm out of Buck’s grip. “What are you doing?” His voice is hushed but angry.
Buck looks to see if anyone's watching. Chimney has eyes on them. He throws his arms up in questioning.
Buck shakes his head and turns his attention back to Eddie. “You can’t go in there. Are you crazy?” He whisper-yells.
Eddie crosses his arms. “Crazy would be not helping the people who clearly need me.”
“I need you! Christopher needs you!” Buck’s voice pitches up an octave. “What if you go in there and get shot? What are we supposed to do without you?”
There was a time, not many years ago, when Buck had to consider that reality seriously. It happened right in front of him. A moment so quick, if you blinked, you’d miss it.
Having to sit on Christopher’s bed and explain that someone hurt Eddie. Not being able to promise him that his dad would be okay.
And this last year, with Boby and now Hen…
Buck can’t afford to lose another person he cares about. He can’t afford to lose the most important person in his life.
Eddie stares him down. You did not just go there.
Buck puffs his chest and stands his ground.
“Nothing is going to happen to me,” Eddie insists. He walks away, shoulder clipping Buck’s.
“Just because he’s a vet doesn’t mean he’s your responsibility!” Buck yells to Eddie’s back. Athena and Alex look up from the tablet. Chimney rubs his face and closes his eyes out of embarrassment.
Eddie gives Buck one last look over his shoulder. It lasts a thousand lifetimes.
The wind cuts through the air like a sharp knife, and before he knows it, Eddie is charging into the grocery store.
The minutes drag on, each excruciatingly longer than the last. He and Chimney are half-hunched behind one of the police cars, waiting for someone to tell them they’re needed. Athena stands behind the neighboring car.
For once in his life, Buck doesn’t want to be needed. Being needed right now means Eddie is hurt, or worse.
He can only make out shadowy figures through the market’s tinted windows. Two of them have their hands up, no doubt attempting to talk down Benjamin. Buck is laser-focused on trying to translate their movements. The second there are signs of struggle, he’s going in.
It doesn’t matter what Chimney or Athena do or say; no one is stopping him from getting to Eddie.
“Buck, take a breath.” He can feel Chimney’s eyes on him. Buck doesn’t budge. “I’m serious,” he says, this time in his newfound Captain’s voice.
Buck stares ahead. “You let him go in there.”
Chimney’s face drops in defeat. “If Eddie wasn’t comfortable going in, you know I wouldn’t force him to.”
“You mean like you didn’t force Hen out of the house?” Buck scoffs. Athena glances their way, intrigued despite her focus on the task at hand.
Chimney shakes his head. “I didn’t have a choice.” He remains calm, even as Buck’s temper picks up.
“Mmhmm.” Buck tightens his lips into a straight line.
He’s about to bite again, to really make Chimney feel guilty, but he’s interrupted by a beep on the radio.
Eddie opened his end of the line. Now they have eyes on the inside.
Buck releases the breath he’d been holding since Eddie stepped into the store.
“There’s an occlusive dressing in my kit,” Eddie says, narrating for the rest of them. “I can stop the bleed.”
“No, soldier.” That must be Benjamin. “Drop the bag. Kick it over.”
Just do what he tells you, Buck prays.
The radio shuffles around, and their voices muffle.
After a few seconds, Eddie’s voice picks up again. “Doesn’t look like it hit his heart. If we can hold blood in him, then he has a fighting chance.”
Then Alex says, “Our only objective is to save him and help you.” She speaks slowly, as if she doesn’t want to set off a ticking time bomb.
“I believe you,” Ben responds. “But him…”
He can only possibly mean Eddie. Buck’s heart rate increases in speed.
“Who you got on that radio?” Ben asks in a panic. “The one you keep keying like I wouldn’t notice.”
The radio screeches and then goes completely dead.
The gun goes off. Twice.
Buck’s stomach drops to his feet. The world around him blurs, the intense, white sunlight blinds him. The air goes completely still as the echo of the gunshot ripples through it and smacks into him. His ears ring out in one long note.
Buck takes a reactionary step back, choking on the weight of endless what-if scenarios.
Then, he breaks into a full sprint.
Chimney and Athena must be calling out to him, but their voices are overpowered by the sound of his own heartbeat pounding in his ears.
Each step brings another, Earth-shattering thought.
Eddie’s dead.
He’s on the ground.
He’s bleeding out.
I’m not there to save him this time.
What am I going to tell Chris?
Just be okay. Just be okay.
The warm sunlight leaves his body the second he bursts through the doors and is met with a wave of air-conditioned air. He pants, vision dancing frantically across the dimly-lit store. He can’t see Eddie. The panic has made everything hazy. Where is Eddie?
“Eddie!” He screams.
Ahead of him, he can just make out the outline of a person. Buck blinks, trying to clear his eyesight.
“Who the hell are you?” An unknown voice asks. He doesn’t give Buck a chance to answer.
He hears Eddie from somewhere in the distance. “Wait!”
A third gunshot rings out, louder than before, closer than before.
One second, Buck’s feeling extremely grateful that Athena forced him into a bulletproof vest.
The next, he feels an explosion of pain in the side of his neck, and warm liquid spills down his chest.
He chokes on blood.
His mind can barely keep pace with his body. Buck collapses to his knees, both hands clutching at his neck. The slick floor gives way beneath him, and his legs buckle completely, sending him onto his side with a crash.
Black spots infect his vision as he fights the sudden exhaustion. He spits up more blood in an attempt to breathe. With his inhale, it fills his lungs.
“Buck!” Eddie’s closer this time.
For one second, his vision clears entirely. He watches as Alex wrestles against Benjamin on the ground, screaming orders into her radio.
And when he glances up, he’s met with a pair of big, brown eyes.
“Stay with me!” Eddie tells him, voice breaking. “Keep your eyes open!” Buck feels two more hands press into his neck. He curls into himself as the pain ripples through the rest of his body.
It’s blinding. It’s too much.
He reaches his hand up and, with the last of his strength, places it on Eddie’s cheek. He wants to remember this, remember how soft Eddie’s skin feels against his own.
“Buck!” Eddie shouts, but it sounds a million miles away. “You do not get to leave me!”
Buck doesn’t want to. He wants to stay right here, in a world where he and Eddie are married and building their life together. A world where they are intertwined in every sense of the word, and where no matter what life throws at them, they always find a way back to each other.
He chokes up another round of blood and, without meaning to, drops his arm to the floor. It feels impossible to lift it back up.
The black spots fill his vision again, this time more intensely.
They take him over completely until there are no more thoughts, no more worries, just darkness.
The consistent beeping of a nearby machine brings him back to the light. His head rests against a soft pillow. He stares up at a spotted, white ceiling.
He’s really cold.
He chatters his teeth and strains his muscles with a shiver.
He’s numb. At least, the right side of his body is.
Why is he numb?
He goes to sit up, but he can’t find the strength.
“Whoa! Easy there,” a muffled voice cautions him. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were awake.” Slowly, the world sharpens around him. Eddie leans over him.
Eddie’s alive. He’s okay.
Buck tightens his fists against the bedding. He feels the clamp of a probe on his left hand. The beeping of the monitor picks up as Buck’s breathing intensifies.
“Where…” Buck’s head lolls side to side. Eddie’s hand finds his cheek, the icy metal of his wedding ring sharp against the warmth of his skin.
Eddie stares down at him, his eyes red and outlined with small, purple-ish bags. “You’re okay,” he reassures Buck. “You’re in the hospital, but you’re okay.”
Buck’s thoughts are foggy. The last thing he remembers is the cold grocery store air, the stiff panic in his chest. The rest…
“Do you want to sit up?” Eddie asks. Buck’s face scrunches in confusion, but he nods. Eddie places a hand behind Buck’s neck to steady him; the other is on Buck’s chest.
“Slow, slow, slow,” Eddie repeats as he lifts Buck.
It’s hard to breathe. His chest and neck are extremely tight, even through the numbness. It’s like there’s a 50lb weight resting on top of him.
Eddie pulls back after fluffing Buck’s pillow and lowering him down. He takes a seat in the chair pulled right up to Buck’s bedside. Eddie’s hands find Buck’s right one and squeeze it tightly.
“I can’t…really feel…” His mind searches for the words, but they’re hard to find.
Eddie pats his hand, sending a tingle through Buck’s arm. “They’ve got you on a lot of painkillers,” Eddie chuckles. Then his tone shifts, and he gulps down a stiff breath. “Do you remember anything?”
Buck closes his eyes and digs a little deeper.
The panic he felt…
He thought Eddie was in danger.
He ran headfirst into the grocery store.
He couldn’t find Eddie.
The gun went off.
The rest of the puzzle reveals itself.
Buck’s chest rises and falls as he conceals a sob. A stray tear falls down his cheek. “I’m sorry…I didn’t…I thought…” His mouth can’t get out the words. He wants to tell Eddie how sorry he is for everything. Their disagreement this morning, their fight outside the store. He didn’t mean to get as angry as he did. He panicked. He thought he lost him.
He was just scared.
Their eyes lock on each other. “I know,” Eddie says, a hint of a smile breaking through. Buck finally exhales fully because of course Eddie knows.
It takes all his strength, but this time Buck reaches for Eddie’s hand. Eddie meets him halfway, and Buck’s fingers turn his ring.
Eddie leans in and plants a kiss on Buck’s forehead. He feels it entirely, the familiarity of his lips expelling the chill from Buck’s body.
“Just don’t do it again,” Eddie warns.
“I promise,” Buck returns.
It’s a lie; they both know that, but in this moment, that doesn’t matter because Buck came back to Eddie. He’ll always come back.
“And Christopher?” Buck asks. This must’ve been a million times scarier for him, the thought of him losing another parent.
Eddie runs his hand through Buck’s hair. “He knows you’re going to be okay, so he’s okay. He just misses you.”
That eases Buck ever so slightly.
”I love you.” The words drift off his lips sweet as honey.
The familiar sparkle in Eddie’s eyes return. “I love you, too.”
Buck relishes in Eddie’s eyes for another second until he remembers everything else that occurred. He shifts again on the bed, wincing with the movement.
“What is it?” Eddie stands up frantically.
Buck lifts an arm to signal he’s fine. “Chimney,” he gets out. “I need to apologize.”
Eddie nods and waves over to the cracked door. Chimney pops his head in, the stress apparent on his face, just like Eddie’s.
“Look who’s awake!” He masks his nerves with excitement. Chimney makes his way to Buck’s bedside.
Buck smiles in return, but then is hit with regret. The words come easier now. “I’m sorry, Chim. I didn’t mean to question your decision as Captain.”
Chimney accepts his apology, and the tension in his shoulders eases. “Just know that it wasn’t easy.” He looks to the ground and then back up at Buck. “She’s my best friend…” His voice trails off.
And finally, Buck understands just how much this has tormented Chimney. He knows that if he had another choice, he would’ve opted for that.
Maybe it’s Hen’s mistake for lying, or maybe she just didn’t know how to tell the truth.
Either way, Buck sees now that neither of them is to blame for their actions, even if the consequences have left the rest of them to bleed dry. It’s a sacrifice he’s willing to make.
A comfortable silence fills the room, a shared understanding. The three of them sit in their grief. There’s solace in their presence, and Buck relaxes into it.
Though they share these experiences, they’ve all been affected by it in different ways. They’ve all changed as a result. The loss they’ve dealt with is a constant reminder that nothing is permanent, and that even with time, old wounds tend to resurface in the ugliest ways.
Buck knows that it’ll never be the same, even if Hen does come back, but that doesn’t mean it can’t still be good.
With Chimney at the helm, they can relearn what it means to be a family. They can repair what’s been broken.
Buck lets himself breathe a little easier with the thought that they can still find a way forward.
Because the 118 isn’t just a number. It’s them.