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Lunch in the sixth-formers common room really isn't the same when Charlie's not there. Although, now that Charlie is head boy, maybe Nick ought to get used to seeing him less. He has responsibilities now! Which is a good thing, and he really seems to have taken to the whole head boy thing. Nick is so beyond proud of him, it's just…
It's just sort of lonely in a way he didn't quite expect. Usually, when he's with the whole Paris Squad, he doesn't feel like this. The girls always talk to him at the very least and Darcy always has something funny to add or Imogen will remind Nick of which shows they ought to catch up on together. Interacting with the whole group is… great!
But, when it's just Tao and Isaac… Nick doesn't know. Things are just different. Suddenly he doesn't really exist anymore. Nick falls back on his old habits of fading into the background, letting everyone else speak around him until he can think of something witty and in character to add to the conversation instead of just being himself.
"Nick, what hobbies do you have, again?" Tao asks suddenly.
Nick blinks out of his thoughts, "Uhm, rugby I suppose, and baking I guess. I—"
"See," Tao faces Isaac again. "Ordinary."
"I'm sorry?"
"Keep up, Nelson," Tao turns to Nick this time, rolling his eyes, "Isaac has his writing and books, Charlie has the drums, Elle has her art, and I've got my film thing. We've got to have some ordinary people in this group and I suppose that's you. Even Sahar is in a band…"
"I don't really understand." That familiar feeling starts to take over, he hasn't felt it in a while, but familiarity isn't exactly something that's bound by the rules of time. His chest feels as if it's caving in, and there's a lump budding in his throat, threatening to choke him.
Isaac smiles and Nick wants to believe that smile is good natured as always, but he can't help but feel a little mocked. But that's ridiculous, isn't it? Tao and Isaac are his friends.
Aren't they?
"Let's put it this way: Charlie is Barbie and you're just Ken. It's really cute though, like, you're so supportive and everything," Isaac says, still smiling, patting Nick on the knee.
"True," Nick mumbles, because it is. He's always known Charlie to be this incredible, talented, amazing person. Since the day they've met, Nick's felt that way about him. Charlie was and always will be the full moon in a pitch black sky to Nick, bright and illuminating a path that'd previously been hidden from him. Still…
Nick knows he's kind of plain and ordinary, but being told that directly stings a lot more than he expected it too.
Just Ken.
The words haunt him a bit because they're kind of true and he knows they are. Nick's ambitions have never been super high compared to the rest of his friends, but that's sort of why he likes having them. Being surrounded by people with such big dreams… it's nice, but he didn't consider himself to be ordinary in comparison. His ambitions are just different. Nick wants to get a good job he likes, he wants to buy a house with enough yard space for a garden and maybe a dog or two, and he wants to marry Charlie.
Just Ken.
So what— is it so bad that he isn't an artist or a musician or a filmographer? Nick isn't an uncreative person, he just has his creative fun in a different way— in the kitchen.
What's so wrong with that?
They're at Sahar's New Year's party. Nick has just ducked inside to have a wee because he had a couple of drinks and a glass of water between them and his bladder situation is emergent and the faster the takes care of it, the faster he can go back to snogging his boyfriend, thanks very much.
Nick dodges other couples on his way upstairs, absolutely beelining it when he hears Tao and Elle talking on the landing. He stops dead in his tracks, bracing himself. After all, the last time he tried to talk to them when he was inebriated, everything blew up in his face and he'd really not like a repeat of that scenario. Round one was bad enough.
"When do you think Nick will start telling us to communicate?" Elle snaps over the throbbing bass from the living room, "Have you seen how much he's been drinking?"
Oh. Has he really been drinking that much? He only had a beer and a White Claw— and a shot with the lads, but seriously, just one this time. Nick plasters himself against the wall, heart pounding in his throat.
Tao sighs loudly, "I'll give it like an hour before he runs his mouth again. Seriously, it's getting old. We get it! You're in love. It's really not that special, we don't need to hear about it every five minutes. It's getting fucking annoying."
Okay.
Ow. Nick tries to put on a brave face, pretending he didn't hear any of that because maybe Tao and Elle have had a bit too much to drink themselves and they've been fighting a lot anyway, maybe… Maybe this has nothing to do with Nick at all. Maybe it's like when his mum and dad would fight and suddenly bring he and David into it instead of talking about their actual problems.
Except Tao and Elle aren't his parents.
Nick flies up the rest of the stairs, not glancing at either of them.
"Nick—" Elle starts.
"Sorry, can't talk, gotta piss."
Thank God the loo is empty. Nick shuts the door behind himself, doing his best to ignore the numbness in his fingers. He hasn't felt this socially off kilter since he was in Year 8 and it's throwing him for a complete loop. Maybe he assumed wrong but he thought… he thought all of them were friends. Why are Elle and Tao talking about him like that? Nick would never— at least not somewhere as public as their other friend's house party.
After peeing (because he really did need to go), Nick washes his hands and splashes some water on his face, glancing at himself in the mirror. The cut over his eyebrow is still a scabby, ugly mess, and he's still got indigo bags under his eyes from how little sleep he's been getting. Waiting for his UCAS results has been nerve wracking, as is everything else going on in his life at present.
Nick takes a breath and tugs his phone out, hands shaking.
Nick: Can we go home please?
Charlie: is everything okay?
Nick: No, not really.
Charlie: did you get sick :(((?
Nick: No. Can we go home?
Charlie: ofc. where did u go, i'll meet u!
Nick: Loo
Charlie: otw, hold tight!
Oh, Nick holds tight. He scrubs at his face again, hating the way tears start stinging at the back of his eyes. Why does he feel so shitty? Elle and Tao are his friends, he knows they are. They probably didn't mean anything— Nick knows he can be annoying sometimes. He tries really hard not to be but sometimes— sometimes it just happens no matter how hard he tries to keep that side of himself hidden away.
Breathing hurts. Nick tries to remember one of those breathing exercises Charlie used with Tara but his brain can't wrap itself around any of the words. His knees go all funny and wobblily and suddenly he's kneeling on the cold tile floor, gasping for air.
"Shhh, hey, it's okay. I'm turning the lights off. It's just us," Charlie's voice breaks through the dying feeling like a stone hitting still water. Nick sobs, reaching out blindly, never has he felt this grateful for Charlie being right here in reaching distance. "I'm right here. Take a breath for me. Nice and slow… that's it… I've got you, Nick, I've got you."
Nick copies Charlie's breathing until his heart feels less like it's being squeezed to death by his ribcage. He gasps, sobs into the collar of Charlie's jumper, "I'm sorry—"
"No, none of that. You've nothing to be sorry for. That word is still very much banned, okay?" Charlie's voice is so soft, so grounding. He kisses Nick on the forehead, runs his nails over Nick's scalp in that way he really likes. "What's happened?"
"Everyone hates me," Nick hiccups around the words, tears running down his face as hot as lava, "I-I don't know what I did, but they do—"
"No, nobody hates you, love—"
"They do I…"
He can't throw Elle and Tao under the bus, not to Charlie who has been their friend for so long. Nick clamps his jaw shut and then his eyes, fully succumbing to all of the hurt toiling away inside him.
"Let me take you home," Charlie whispers gently, "We can snuggle and watch a Marvel film…"
Ordinary. Ordinary film choices for a sad, ordinary, plain, Just Ken person. Yet the comfort of his favorite franchise is a siren song that even Nick can't reject. He just nods pathetically, rubs his eyes with the back of his hands, "O-Okay. I'm sorry for ruining the evening—"
"Shhh, nonsense. Nothing's been ruined. Let me help you up off the floor. Oh, Nick…"
Nick chances a glance at his reflection for a final time once he and Charlie are both up. His face has gone all splotchy and gross looking. Beside him, Charlie looks so radiant.
"Fuck," Nick grumbles.
"None of that. C'mon, we're going now," Charlie says, grasping Nick by the cuff of his jumper.
Nobody is on the landing when they leave.
Nick decides to run a small experiment that goes like this: he'll only speak when Tao, Isaac, or Elle speak to him first.
However, the results surprise him by how depressing they are. When Charlie isn't around, they only speak to him twice a day— if that, but when Charlie is around, they actually talk to him a lot more about all sorts of things. Uni prep and some of the rugby stuff, classwork, and even the dogs.
But when Charlie's not there…
Nick's began to space out a bit whenever they hang out as a friends group. Not on purpose or anything but simply because he isn't being spoken to, and although he used to pay lots of attention to the things they discussed even if he didn't understand a thing about them— he finds himself just not wanting to.
If they think Nick is ordinary, which is still kind of true, then maybe he can just… be?
Their lot end up back at the café while Charlie works. Nick sips on his iced mocha mindlessly, chewing on the end of his straw while everyone else chats about their plans for the summer. Nick knows what his are— more work at the dog rescue (he will get Biscuit to play before he leaves for uni, so help him God), spend some extra time with Charlie, and prepare for the move to uni. Oh, and Pride, of course.
Nick checks his watch. They've been here nearly an hour and since ordering drinks, nobody has spoken a single word to him. He rests his chin in his hand, tracing swirls in the little puddle of condensation from his drink.
Charlie's fingers wrap around his shoulder, "Hey, are you okay?"
"Oh, uhm—" Shit, he's spaced out for way too long, "Yes?" He spares a glance around the table. Literally everyone is watching him like a hawk. "What? What did I do— did I make a dumb face or something?" Nick tries to laugh the awkwardness off.
Darcy smiles, "No, mate, you've just been quiet this whole time. Thought something was wrong was all."
"Not at all, just uh… Nobody was talking to me so I just uh…" Nick rubs the back of his neck and shrugs, unable to bring himself to finish the sentence.
Maybe this experiment was a bit cruel in hindsight. Why should his friends feel obligated to speak to him? That's pretty selfish, isn't it? Darcy literally got kicked out of their home, Elle's probably preparing for her move to Berlin… They've all got so much more going on than he does. Why would chatting with him be high on their priority lists? Especially when Nick is so…
Annoying, Plain, Ordinary.
"We were talking to you," Tao says, "We were all—"
Nick shakes his head, "You haven't though, I've been waiting—"
"Nick, it's a group conversation, you're allowed to speak whenever you want. Nobody's going to grant you special permission—"
"I just want—"
"Like, you can't sit there being uncommunicative and then get upset when people don't want to talk to you."
"Tao," Tara swears, "That's not cool—"
"Seriously," Charlie adds, "That's not what he meant. Nick, you—"
"Nevermind," Nick tries to smile, "It doesn't matter that much, I guess. Overreacted a little bit is all."
Charlie squeezes his shoulder again, "Nick…"
If he breaks and cries now, he'll cause a scene, and the idea of causing a scene makes him feel sick to his stomach. Nick smiles up at his boyfriend and ignores the ratcheting of his own heart along with the low boil of anger simmering in his veins.
"Can we talk please?"
Nick stops, hand still wrapped around the shaft of Charlie's dick, swallowing the jet of cum that just shot down his throat. He wipes his mouth off on the back his hand and pops back up from the edge of the bed, laying himself down across Charlie's lap.
"'Course. What's up?"
Charlie sighs, dropping his hands into Nick's hair. Nick smiles, nuzzling his face against Charlie's thigh in the hopes of possibly turning him on all over again so he can suck him off again instead of have what he knows is going to be a conversation he doesn't want to have. But Nick is trying not to deflect using sex; Charlie's been catching on.
"Have you and Tao been fighting again?"
Nick flinches.
"Nick…"
"It's not… we're not fighting," Nick sighs through his nose, letting his eyes flutter shut. "Do we really have to talk about Tao right after I blew you?"
"Afraid so."
Alright, so round two isn't happening. Nick pushes himself up onto the bed, trying not to think about it because he knows if he starts thinking about it, he might cry and he doesn't really want to be crying right now. What he wants to do is maybe cuddle his boyfriend and go to bed.
Charlie cups his cheek, "What's going on?"
Nick looks down at his lap instead of Charlie's face, because he's trying to do this new thing where he honors his feelings instead of stuffing them way down into the depths of his being.
"I don't think he likes me and honestly I don't think… I don't think I really like him either."
Charlie must not have expected this from him, because he flinches at the revelation, "O-Oh. When did you… when did you realize that?"
"The New Year's party," Nick sighs, scrubbing his face with his right hand, "Before I had that panic attack in the bathroom, I overheard him and Elle talking about me and Charlie, they weren't being nice. And at first I just kind of froze but now that I've had time to think about it… I— I dunno, I just don't think that he's a very good friend— I don't think they're my friends."
"Elle too?"
Nick nods miserably, hating how childish talking about any of this feels. It's as if he's suddenly five years old again and nobody will play with him at the park, so he's on his own drawing animals in the dirt with a stick hoping and wishing someone will ask— just once— for his company.
"What… what were they saying?"
His eyes burn, and he sort of feels like he's choking. Nick squeezes his eyes shut, tries to push the tears away. He's eighteen years old for crying out loud, "I know I'm annoying—"
"You're not— Nick—"
"I can be though, I know that, but it's like I can't stop being that way no matter how hard I try and every time I try to talk to them I know that's what they're thinking because that's what they were talking about and I heard them. Even at the pub they like talked to me like I was an annoying little kid. I know that Tao has never been fond of me and that's fine—"
"You're not fond of him either?"
Hanging his head in shame, Nick nods again, hating that this is the thing that sends tears running down the sides of his nose because he really, really tried. For years. Two years, to be a friend. The thing is, he really does understand and empathize with Tao, but…
"Where's the line between being blunt and kind of rude and being cruel and mean?" Nick asks around a wet laugh, "Because that's what I can't figure out with him. He's never… I dunno." It's not like Tao has been 100% awful to Nick all of the time. There's been moments where they've been really close like when Nick fully cried on Tao at that Halloween party when Charlie was still in treatment.
But that's all there's been: Moments.
"Maybe I'm just being really sensitive about it," Nick admits.
"You're allowed to be. Oh, Nick… I wish you would've mentioned this sooner. Do you… do you want me to talk to—"
"No! Oh my God, please don't. I can— I've been trying to bring it up but it's— you saw what happened last time." Nick opens his eyes slowly, about to rub his face again when he remembers he still has dick hand. Looking up at the ceiling he scoffs and says, "Is it even worth it? I'll be going to uni in a few months and you've heard how Tao's been acting; The odds of us speaking again are next to zero."
"But the odds of you being emotionally hurt by him are close to one hundred, don't you think?"
Ugh. Nick really hates when Charlie therapy speaks at him because it has the effect of feeling as if he's been backhanded across the face with emotional understanding. Can't he just be a mess a little while longer?
"I've noticed," Charlie continues, slowly, carefully, as if Nick is a rabbit he's afraid of scaring off,
"That you and Tao have always butted heads—"
"I'm not butting anything!" Nick exasperates because he hasn't. He doesn't needle Tao the way Tao needles him. Nick doesn't pass out backhanded compliments and look down his nose at other people. You know, he really did admire how fiercely Tao loves his friends— and Nick would never say this out loud— but it's like there's this fucking throughline between that admirable care and then him being a complete cunt when he and Elle started dating and eventually started having relationship issues. Which like yeah no shit—
Oh God.
When did Nick start having these thoughts?
Nick blurts, "I think I'm evil."
"No! Don't— you're not evil for disliking the way people treat you. That's like beyond normal, so get that idea out of your head, please," Charlie sighs, cupping Nick's cheek in his hand again, his thumb stroking over his cheekbone. "I think our friends group is just outgrowing each other is all… I mean, you heard what Sahar was on at the café, didn't you?"
Nick nods, "Teenage relationships don't last forever."
Charlie hums, "Yeah, well, I think that also includes friendships too. Not that we have anything to worry about," a smile smile flickers across his face and Nick can't help but smile back, especially when Charlie does a goofy little shoulder wiggle, "Nick and Charlie forever and all that. But Nick… you don't have to keep trying with my friends if you don't want to. I know you've got your own friends and all, and if you're not being treated well, you shouldn't force yourself to stay. It's not healthy."
"I just thought they were my friends too is all."
"I did too."
They don't speak for a moment, just sit there. Charlie keeps holding his face and Nick is certain he's got to be splotchy and red all over from crying.
"I think," Charlie starts slowly, carefully, his words the equivalent of treading water, "When you go off to Leeds, everything will change in a good way."
"Do you really think so?"
"I know so. It'll be like your chance to start over as your one hundred percent self this time. I can't wait to see what that Nick Nelson is going to be like."
A snort of a laugh bubbles out of his chest, "Char…"
"What? I'm being so serious. C'mere. Kiss me."
Nick giggles, "I just had your dick in my mouth…" But Charlie's giving him that half-lidded, sultry look and he knows they're not going to just kiss but probably snog a bit too, which is just as well. Nick loves snogging his boyfriend.
"Yeah, my dick. I think I'll live. But Nick… do you even want to keep being friends with Tao?"
That's the million pound question, isn't it? In the handful of moments where Nick actually felt like Tao saw him as a friend and not an extension of Charlie, he felt… good. Seen, he supposes, in a way nobody else could see him. That was before he told Charlie about his dad and even though having an absent dad isn't nearly the same as having a dead one, he thought he and Tao had finally found that familiar ground to work on.
"It's just hard because he didn't like me when I was masking and it's like he doesn't like me even more when I'm more… me." Which has been one of the most difficult, nerve wracking things to deal with— people disliking Nick when he's acting the most like himself. He just wants to curl up and go back to faking it. At least having the mask judged didn't hurt so severely. "I-I dunno. There's only a few months of school left, I can manage being friendly for a little while longer."
"If you wanted to rip him a new one, you'd be well within your right."
A startled laugh hiccups in his chest, "What?"
"Nick, he's been being meaner to like everyone in general recently and I'll tell you something, and you can keep telling it to yourself too if it'll help, but it's like— actually really, really fucking hard to be mean to you."
"What— no it's— Mmph!"
Charlie slaps his palm over Nick's mouth, letting both of them fall backward onto the bed so that they're laying down while still facing each other.
"You're a very nice, very sincere person. Literally everyone who actually knows you knows this. Why do you think Harry never chatted shit even when you two were having a row over me? Don't look at me like that— it was sort of over me. It's always struck me as a bit funny that even when you were hardcore masking and doing your best to act like a chav to fit in, all of your friends still only had good things to say about you and still do now even after you've come out. That's no small thing, Nick. It is seriously hard to even stay mad because you just pop up and go: Oh, I'm sorry. I was overreacting. Like, fucking immediately. Look at me."
Nick looks. Charlie's brows are furrowed, his gaze piercing and incredibly serious.
Charlie sighs, "I think you've got to be meaner."
"What!?"
"Or at least get better at setting boundaries. Tao and Elle shouldn't have spoken about you like that. That's… really not okay. Nick, you had a panic attack."
Nick frowns, "I did, yeah." He felt like he was literally dying. Like, he knew panic attacks were bad but he didn't think they were so bad that he'd feel like he was having a heart attack or something. Panic attacks always look so chaotic in films… all Nick did was sit on the bathroom floor and so and think he was dying.
"Boundaries," Charlie repeats, "Would be really good for you."
"… I don't mean this in a bad way, but did you pick that up from Geoff?"
Charlie pauses, then sighs, "Yeah, a little bit. I've been… I want to work on boundaries too. Unlike you," he laughs, "I'm here for one more year and things have been so miserably tense and I feel like… I know why."
He blinks, "Why?"
"Tao hates change and everything is about to be changing quite quickly for him and for the rest of us. You, Elle, Imogen, Sahar— even Tara and Darcy are going to be headed off for their adventure. I think he just doesn't know how to handle Elle leaving on top of everyone else also leaving."
Nick supposes he gets that. He himself doesn't deal with change very well at all but he's always been more inward in terms of how he handles his nerves. He couldn't imagine talking to his friends or even acting the way Tao acts. Like… ever, "But change is scary, Char…"
"But it's never an excuse to treat your friends poorly."
He nods. Charlie is right, it's just… Nick never wanted to think of his friends in this way; of not also being his own. Nick's always sort of known that he's always cared for other people much more than they've ever cared for him except for Charlie— who loves him just as much as Nick loves him.
"So," Charlie continues, smiling again, "Let's talk about boundaries."
Nick sighs, but smiles right back at him, "Alright. Boundaries."