Chapter Text
Gem had never really considered soulmates before arriving in Hermitcraft. They were unbelievably uncommon in the wider worlds, an estimated 0.1% of players experiencing the bug, but Hermitcraft wasn't exactly a representative sample.
In her first season she learned that more than half of the server had a ‘realized’ soulbond, or had and knew their soulmate. And even more were still searching. It was odd seeing so many people afflicted with this… well it sounded harsh, but mistake. It was a mistake, a nice one for some, but ultimately an error. There was no scientific basis to believe that soulmates were chosen by the universe for each other despite the claims many soulmates had. It was believed that soulbonds were the result of desynced respawns or travel between servers.
Nothing magical. Nothing profound.
She didn’t like to bring it up around the hermits. She was pragmatic, not a monster. And one way or another they had to live with it, and if it helped them to believe it was destiny who was she to take that from them?
It was interesting to watch, the players with soulbonds, Impulse she found she watched the most, maybe partly because he lived at the base of her mountain, but also he never really made an effort to conceal his emotions.
“My soulmate’s off-world.” He told Pearl and Gem one night over soup. “It’s hard feeling things from him knowing I couldn’t help even if I wanted to.”
“What’s it like?” Gem asked, “Feeling something that’s not yours?”
“It…” Impulse frowned for a moment and then a second later smiled slightly, “They don’t feel that different to my own emotions. It’s like telling the difference between a ripple from a distant fish and wind blowing waves across the surface. If you don’t know which way the wind is blowing you might not notice it at all.”
“So you’re attuned with yourself huh?” Pearl said nudging Impulse playfully, “Save some introspection for the rest of us!”
“It’s not just a me thing! Most of the hermits who know their soulmates are more aware of themself because of it. It’s really hard to figure out how to control what to send if you don’t. We couldn't really figure it out until we realized we were linked.”
“So you have control over it?” Gem asked.
“Kind of! You lose more control the stronger the emotion is, but for everyday things I can stop sending him utter rage every time I stub my toe.”
Gem laughed and something in her gut curled uncomfortably, “I could see how that might get annoying.” She said as she set down the soup, maybe Pearl had snuck a potion in.
“Enough about me!” Impulse said cheerily, “What about either of you? Are you linked?”
Gem shook her head as a hint of anxiety twinged in her stomach, “Nope! Just curious!”
“I might be?” Pearl shrugged, “When I was younger I used to have bursts of… joy? That felt out of place for where I… um.” Pearl trailed off and Gem winced sympathetically, she didn’t know the extent of Pearl’s childhood but there was a reason she didn’t talk about it much.
“It’s okay.” Impulse said, “You don’t need to-”
Pearl snapped back to them and smiled, although it felt forced, “Anyway- I sometimes pick up feelings that it seems weird for me to be feeling. It could be my imagination just as easily though.”
“It would be a completely reasonable thing to make up,” Gem said, and immediately regretted it as hot embarrassment flooded her, “I mean-” She said trying to backtrack, but Pearl had already stiffened, her face turning red, “I wasn’t saying that you had- I just-”
“It’s fine. Enjoy the soup.” Pearl said as she slowly stood up and walked out.
She could barely look Impulse in the eye as shame curled in her stomach, “That’s not what I meant.”
He sighed, “I know, but it was pretty brutal. I’m gonna make sure she’s okay.” He got up and chased after her, “Pearl! Wait up!”
Gem laid down on her floor and covered her face with her hands. “Ugh-” She groaned. “Why do you have to say stupid things Gem?”
–
Impulse had smoothed things over with Pearl pretty quickly, and Gem was thankful he was there to buffer them.
“Thanks for coming to help Impulse,” Gem said as she tied her apron on, “I really want to apologise right.”
“She’s not mad, you know.” Impulse said, “She gets that you don’t get it. That you’re trying.”
Gem sighed and started measuring out some flour, “I know, but I feel so bad about it. It’s not what I meant at all and just because I think-” Gem cut herself off and froze. “Nevermind.”
Impulse frowned, “You can finish that thought, you don’t need to backtrack on my behalf. I get soulmates are a hard thing to understand.”
“I just-” Gem looked Impulse over, only sincerity in his eyes, “I just don’t think soulbonds are a product of the universe.”
“What do you mean?”
“I get why people think that, I really do. It’s nice to believe in something larger than yourself. To believe that something brought you and someone you love together on purpose, but I just- I just can’t believe it. Soulbonds are… mistakes, and they can be nice mistakes, but I just don’t think they're on purpose.”
“I agree.” Impulse said plainly and Gem froze.
“You… You do?”
“Sure! Imagining there’s some cosmic reason I can feel someone else’s emotions is interesting,” he said as he cracked eggs into a bowl, “but I think I know the inciting incident of my bond, and the only reason I’m linked to who I am is because we were screwing around together and both had a rough respawn. It was a total coincidence but we had already known we worked well together, the universe didn’t need to tell us that.”
“Oh.”
Impulse looked at her softly, “A good number of the hermits got bonds because of things that happened on the server. And Pearl knows that too. Saying the universe is responsible is comforting, but soulbonds like any type of relationship can go wrong. It takes work to make them okay.”
“That’s… That's actually nice to know.” Gem said, relief rushing through her.
“There are a few hermits who do dabble a bit more in the cosmic side of the bond, but I’m sure there’s no one here that can fault you for being skeptical. It’s a hard thing to understand.” Impulse slung an arm around her shoulders and gave her a tight side hug.
“Thanks Impulse.” She said leaning into his touch. “I didn’t-” Suddenly an overwhelming feeling of wrong coursed through her and she shoved Impulse, “Get away!”
Impulse dropped his arm immediately and looked at her wide eyed and confused, “Gem? What’d I do?”
“I don’t know just-” He took half a step forward and Gem screamed, guttural, from somewhere deep in her, “Don’t touch ME!”
“Okay okay.” Impulse backed off and sat down on a stool a couple feet away from her, “Breathe.”
She sobbed as her chest burned, not breathing, not being able to get enough air, she cried until she couldn’t see straight.
“Breathe Gem!”
She didn’t remember passing out, but she must have.
Gem woke up slowly. She was in her bed. She was in her bed? Her hands were bandagged and as she flexed them she could feel the familiar sting and ache in her knuckles. She looked around, Impulse was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, fast asleep. It was dark outside.
“Impulse?”
Immediately he jerked awake, and his expression softened when he saw she was up. “Gem! Oh void, you scared me.”
“What happened?”
He hesitated, “I don’t know? You freaked out and had a panic attack. It seemed like it came out of nowhere.”
“Right…” Gem groaned, “Ugh- sorry.”
“No no!” Impulse said quickly, pulling his chair closer to the bed. “Don’t apologise, just- do you know what set it off?”
She shook her head, “That just happens sometimes, I’m sorry I should have told you guys when we started basing together, it just hadn’t happened for a little while. I know it’s… off putting, but X knows and he said when I joined it was fine and that-”
“Woah!” Impulse said, reaching forward to touch her frantically moving hands before thinking better of it and withdrawing. Gem watched the hand leave with an ache in her chest, this is always how it started. “It’s not off putting. I’m just worried. It came out of nowhere and was really violent. I’m just worried you’re going to hurt yourself again.”
“Sorry.” Gem muttered again, “I can’t control it, I can’t even really feel it coming half the time. I’ve tried to figure out the cause before, but it’s arbitrary.”
“Arbitrary?”
“Yeah, nothing around me sets it off, it’s random, like my brain decides I’m in danger for no reason.”
“Like…” Impulse hesitated, “Like they’re not coming from you?”
Gem laughed, “Impulse, I'm just temperamental, this isn’t a soulbond thing. I've been like this for as long as I can remember- I used to goad people in school so I could have a reason to punch someone. It's annoying and… destructive, but it's not a soulmate.”
“Okay fair enough. I could be wrong.” Impulse said in a tone that Gem knew meant - I don't think I'm wrong.
“Impulse.” She said, leveling a glare at him, “It's not a soulmate.”
He raised his hand up in surrender, “Okay okay. You just really remind me of a younger me. My soulmate sent me a lot of frustration and anger before we realized too.”
“Not ‘too’.” Gem reminded him. “That is only applicable to you.”
“Right! Right. Sorry.”
Gem stretched, changing the subject, “How long have I been out- What time is it?”
“Uh,” Impulse pulled out his comm, “Nearly 10 hours and a little after 9?”
“Geez, talk about how to screw up a sleep schedule," Gem said, ignoring the way she was already tired. “Pearl’s a night owl anyway,” She said as she stood up, “The brownies will be done before 10:30.”
“Woah-” Impulse said, “-you’re not seriously gonna do that right now?”
“Why not?”
“You just had a panic attack!”
Gem brushed him off and started to head down towards the kitchen. “It’s not a big deal. Baking’s relaxing anyway.”
Impulse hesitated before sighing, “Fine, but I’m handing the knives and the oven.”
“If you insist!” Gem said trying to sound cheerful despite the anxiety that Impulse might never trust her again curling in her stomach.
It took a little longer than it would have without all of Impulse’s worried hovering, but they finished around eleven.
“Now are you gonna let me take these over myself or are you worried I’m gonna pass out on the bridge?” Gem joked.
Impulse smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes, “Sorry, I’m just worried. I’ll be in the Keep, text me if you need anything yeah?”
“Sure Impy.” Gem said, squeezing his hand, “You’ll be the first to know if I have another breakdown.”
He rolled his eyes, but she could see relief under the edge of humor.
There was light in Pearl’s base as she walked over. Nervousness vibrated in her, she knew Impulse said Pearl wasn’t upset, but even so, she couldn’t help but feel a little scared.
She rang the doorbell trying to breath through the nerves, as Pearl answered.
“Oh!” Pearl said as she answered the door, “What’re you doing here?”
Anxiety spiked in her stomach as Pearl blinked hard, “I wanted to apologise. I didn't mean what I said about your soulbond, I wasn’t thinking.”
Pearl nodded, “Not an issue, I get it.”
Gem took a deep breath and extended the pan towards Pearl, “And I brought brownies!”
Pearl laughed softly and stepped aside. “Come in. These better be good. I’ve had a rough day.”
“Oh?” Gem said as she pulled bowls out from Pearl’s cabinets, she was familiar enough with her house to know Pearl didn't have any plates. “What happened?”
Pearl waved her off, “Well I guess it could be good depending on how you look at it, but I got reinforced that I definitely have a soulbond. It looks like you had a go at it too, fighting your walls?”
Gem frowned confused, “What?”
Pearl gestured to Gem’s knuckles, “Your hand?”
“Oh!” Gem rubbed a finger across the bandages and laughed nervously, “Yeah something like that. How was it rough?” Gem asked as she added a couple of large brownies to a bowl before handing it to Pearl. “I would have thought knowing something like that would have been cause for celebration?”
Pearl shrugged, “It… wasn’t a great wake up. I definitely overreacted. I don’t think I've been making the best impression.”
"How's that even possible?” Gem teased, some of her anxiety waning as they relaxed into comfortable conversation. “You can’t make a bad impression.”
Pearl exhaled intentionally, before smiling, “Yeah I guess. I mean it’s kind of going either way at the moment. I may have freaked out, but they’ve been having an anxiety attack for an hour so I guess we’re even.”
“Oh my god what?” Gem asked, her heartrate spiking, “Are you okay?”
Pearl winced as she took a bite of the brownie, “Yeah, I’m about 80% sure it’s not from me so I just kinda have to ride it out. It sucks though.” Pearl took another intentional breath, “This is really good. Thanks for bringing it over.”
Gem took a breath, “I’m glad you like it.” She said softly, hoping Pearl understood the weight of her guilt.
“Don’t worry about it.” Pearl said and leaned her head against Gem’s shoulder.
Fondness smothered her anxiety as they sat eating brownies together.