Chapter Text
The way Nami saw it, they had messed up in three main areas.
Well.
Honestly, it was probably a whole avalanche of stupidity that had led them here (what else was new), but three boulders of sheer idiocy stood out to her in that cascade of mind-numbing error.
First, they hadn’t managed to contact Sanji for ages; he’d been with the Firetank Pirates, then his disgusting family, then on Whole Cake Island so rapidly that they missed him at every turn and pivot.
Then, when they finally had found him, the emotionally constipated idiot had fought Luffy to scare him off or something, to sacrifice himself. Nami was glad that Usopp had gone after a wandering Zoro to keep him from getting eaten by a singing tree or something.
Usopp would have been hurt. And Zoro…honestly, Nami wasn’t sure what Zoro would have done.
Well. Whatever, they’d managed to get ahold of him. Sit down with Bege, figure out a plan for this entire mess.
Which led to idiot move number two, one that Nami had pointed out before they’d even left. The pale, angry face that Sanji leveled at Luffy when he locked eyes with Robin in Bege’s parlor.
They’d brought the only surviving poneglyph reader into a yonko’s territory.
That one was…dumber, but less avoidable. Everyone had insisted on coming to help Sanji (much to Law’s irritation), and Robin wouldn’t have accepted being sent off with the Heart Pirates alone.
They knew, because they had tried. But she’d only smiled warmly and said “My crew is powerful. What do I have to fear?”
And…well…what were they supposed to do about that?! If Sanji had been there, he would have melted the worst out of all of them. As it stood, it was only Luffy he’d yelled at, mostly because he knew he couldn’t yell at Robin.
He had a point. It was stupid. Which was why it was the second most glaring issue in her mind.
They couldn’t help it, but it was stupid.
What an apt summary of her crew.
But the thing at the forefront of her mind, as Big Mom leered out at them, mouth full of wedding cake and glee, was that Nami was going to have to put up with another Davy Back fight, but in heels this time.
It didn’t matter that she was the only one in heels, Nami decided that it was everyone’s mistake. And it didn’t matter that Luffy would toss out the idea after the wedding cake plan fell apart, or that Big Mom would agree!
She just cackled something about “just like old times” and made the deal before anyone could take back the offer.
She was already adding a condition they didn’t want; three rounds instead of just two. Robin was obviously the main one she was after, and the looks she was giving Brook and Chopper made Nami’s stomach churn.
They only needed Sanji and Jinbe (Nami hadn’t seen Bege since the plan went awry, and she had no doubt he was hightailing it with his wife, kid and crew. Good. He was skeezy and obnoxious and the less she had to think of him, the better).
So of course, Luffy was pouting.
“I don’t want three of your guys!” he yelled up. “Just the two I already have!”
Usopp winced in unison with her at calling Jinbe “one of his” extremely prematurely, but Linlin only cackled.
“You’ve got guts, Strawhat.” she sneered. “Too bad I won’t see them scattered on the floor!
And it’s optimistic. We’re going up against a Yonko, we’re not going to make it if we play this straight!
“As the challenged, we’ll be picking the first race, la-lick” Perosperos (grossgrossgrossgross) declared. “A baton race! Pick three members of your crew, and choose wisely!”
Nami grimaced. Sanji was by far one of the fastest members, so of course they’d pick this first, before they even had a chance to get him back.
She sized up their crew as her nakama murmured together behind her.
There were some long-leg tribesman with lean, quick builds. A few pushing to the front with devil fruits she could only guess at. And then, her eyes moved up. Easily sixteen feet tall, decked out in gothic straps and a massive, winding scarf. Katakuri. One of his strides would be ten of hers. He wouldn’t even need to sprint.
His dark pink eyes settled on hers as she stared up at him, and Nami looked away quickly.
And she was glad she did, or she would have missed Niji pushing his way up to Big Mom with a massive grin on his face. Then, he turned to her and his grin widened.
Her first thought?
Gross.
Her second?
Hm…we might have just won this thing.
Nami whirled to face her nakama. “Robin!” she hissed. “Put an ear over by their team, see what order they’re going in!”
Robin’s eyes glinted with amusement, and she nodded. Tilting her head, she said “Niji, then Souffle, then Katakuri.”
Perfect.
“Hey, guys?” Nami grinned shakily. If it was from the fear or the adrenaline, she had no idea. “Let me go first.”
It had been way too long since she got to live up to her epitaph.
------
Nami placed a heeled shoe carefully into position as she knelt. Her baton was slid into a loop on her belt next to her climatact to keep her hands free, so at least she wouldn’t faceplant if she fell right away.
The track was a single loop around the massive wedding cake. She’d make a lap, pass her baton to Brook, and then Chopper in his deer mode would finish off the race.
“On your mark,”
Nami took a steadying breath.
“Hey, Nami.” Niji’s voice sneered.
“Get set!”
Nami kept her eyes ahead, ignoring him for a moment.
Niji leaned in, a smug grin on his face. “Hey, woman. I was talking to you.”
“GO!”
Nami bit out a curse as Niji raced ahead. She stumbled over the starting line, desperately trying to catch up. He moved faster than she breathed, bolting ahead in a streak of blue.
She pushed herself to keep running, letting out a frustrated cry as he zoomed around the track towards the finish line.
And then, just before the pass-off…
He zipped back.
Hook. Line. Sinker.
“Hey, Nami. I think you had some trouble hearing me earlier.” he sneered, making a show of slowing his pace to keep up. He slid his baton onto his belt in pantomime of hers, folding his arms behind his head and turning to run backwards so he could stare at her.
“Think Big Mom would steal you? You’d do a lot better on a Yonko crew than a lame excuse like Strawhat’s.”
Nami glanced over at him, raising an eyebrow. “A Yonko crew doesn’t interest me.” she leaned closer, grinning. “Germa, on the other hand…you guys are pretty impressive!”
Nami decided she was the strongest member of the crew, because she didn’t projectile vomit from saying those words sliding off her tongue.
Niji’s grin grew. “What, you think you can keep up with us?”
Nami tilted her head. She batted her eyelashes. Then, the mankiller; she winked. “I don’t know, I’m doing a decent job so far.”
The effect was immediate. Maybe it ran in the family. Niji’s eyes popped into hearts as soon as her heeled foot touched the finish line.
He grinned, reaching for his belt. “Well, we’ll see about--”
His brow furrowed as he held up her climatact.
“What’s this thing?”
Nami tossed her baton to Brook, watching him speed away. Then, with her other hand, she lifted up his, stolen from his belt and replaced with her weapon; the exact size and weight.
“That’s the reason we’re going to win Sanji back.” She grinned. “Zoro! Fetch!”
She flung the baton, and Zoro leapt into the air, having no choice but to catch it in his mouth (his hands were full of swords).
“I’m not a dog, Nami!!” he yelled around a mouthful of baton. Niji was on him in a second, tossing her climatact aside and trying to wrestle the baton loose from his grip.
Soon, the two were in an all-out brawl, and Brooke had finished his lap.
“Bring us home, Chopper!” he cheered.
At the clatter of hooves, Linlin turned to Nami with murderous eyes. “You cheated, you little brat!” She snarled.
A horrible shudder ran down Nami’s spine. But Sanji, standing beside his family, met her eyes. He smiled. And suddenly, everything was going to be okay.
“Excuse me?” Nami put a hand on her hip, raising an eyebrow. “The rules were that the baton needs to be passed, and three laps need to be completed. There weren’t any rules about stealing batons!”
Linlin ground her teeth, and a terrible growl started in her throat.
But there was a flash of a camera behind them, and a scratchy voice mumbling something about “Big news!”
With tremendous effort, Linlin sat back down just as Chopper crossed the finish line.
And when Sanji came rushing at her with hearts popping out of his eyes, Nami actually let him hug her. For about five seconds, before she planted a fist into his head.
“AND THAT’S FOR MAKING US WORRY!”
-----
Considering it was her head on the chopping block, Robin really should have been more worried.
But Sanji was back, nursing a fresh lump on the head from Nami, and she really was so relieved. And earlier, Brook had pulled her aside and told her that he’d gotten poneglyph rubbings for her, and she couldn’t wait to read those!
All things considered, even if she was captured and tortured by Big Mom, she’d get to read them.
Though, obviously, the crew wouldn’t let that happen.
It was their turn to pick a category, and while Sanji was raring to go against Big Mom’s crew and his family, he was all too eager to hear her suggestion.
“How about a game of trivia?” Robin asked cheerfully. “And to even the playing field a bit, I’ll even challenge you on your own territory. No questions off limits.”
Linlin grinned widely. “No one knows more about Toto Land than I do, Missy!” She sneered. “But if you’re that eager to be my prisoner, I accept!”
Robin smiled warmly. “Ah, I was going to explain a bit further, but if you accept, by all means.”
She turned to Jinbe with a smile. “I’ll be needing your help in this manner, First Son of the Sea. We’ll be competing on knowledge of Fishman Island!”
Linlin scoffed. “It’s been my territory for months!” She sneered. “Do you really think I don’t know it?”
Robin lifted her shoulders in a cheerful shrug. “Three questions, and only one answer can be submitted. Since I’ll be the one asking the questions, I’ll be sitting this round out.”
The rest of her crew jolted at that, but she gave them an easy smile. “It’s only fair, right? After all, I am an archaeologist."
“I hope you know what you’re doing, Robin…” Usopp looked at her pleadingly, and she tried not to laugh.
Instead, she cleared her throat and began. “First question: what is the name of Fishman Island’s princess?”
An easy one for her crew, and one that Linlin would at least hesitate at. It was also--
“OH I KNOW THIS ONE!” Luffy grinned. “That’s Weepy-hoshi!”
Jinbe put a large, finned hand over his face.
“Ah…not quite.” Robin winced, but couldn’t help a small smile. That was her captain, alright.
A fishman woman stepped out from the crowd, tentacles swirling around her. “Her name is Princess Shirahoshi!”
“Correct,” Robin admitted. “One point to the Big Mom Pirates.”
A horrible racket of cheers rose up from the other side. Robin felt a slight prickle in her gut, but tried to focus. It wasn’t over yet.
“What is the main food eaten by residents of Fishman Island?”
Linlin scoffed. “That’s simple.” She sneered. “I get it all the time! It’s candy!”
Robin bit back a smile. “Candy is their main export, however, it isn’t the main food eaten on the island. Strawhats?”
“Yeah!” Luffy grinned. “They eat lots of fish! Barely any meat.”
Well…the answer was sea kings, but…close enough? She looked over at Jinbe.
“Sea kings are a type of fish,” he agreed. “And it’s far closer to the answer.”
Linlin’s gaze was turning murderous again. Robin sought out what she was looking for in the crowd, and ah--there he was. Big News Morgan, furiously taking notes and snapping pictures. That squawking gull held a lot of power here, and it was the kind Linlin didn’t even want to cross.
So, Robin smiled. She turned to her crew, and asked her final question.
“On the poneglyph in the forests of Fishman Island, what did Joyboy apologize for?”
The uproar was immediate.
“She’s cheating!” Linlin screeched.
“That’s an impossible question!” Judge roared.
Robin looked over calmly. “If I recall, Big Mom agreed to no limitations on the questions.” she pointed out. “If she wanted more stipulations, she could have named them.”
A massive, metallic hand went up in the air. Franky was grinning from ear to robotic ear.
Well, isn’t this nostalgic. Guess he’s keeping me out of enemy hands yet again.
“Joyboy apologized that he couldn’t fulfill his promise.”
Short and sweet, didn’t give any important information to the yonko, and answered the question well enough to win. Robin could have kissed him. She might kiss him, later.
“Round two goes to the Strawhats!”
----
This was an embarrassment.
Katakuri glared down at the Stawhats celebrating, hugging onto Jinbe as if he were a child’s toy and not a fierce warrior of the sea.
Disgraceful.
He would need to step in on this next competition. Whatever it was, he could not let a Vinsmoke or anyone else ruin this for them.
If we lose, Linlin’s rage will be legendary.
If they lost…he had no idea how much damage would be done to the islands. They had to get Nico Robin, and they had to do it quickly.
They needed to pick a sure competition. One he was certain to win. A feat os strength, or a demonstration of haki. Something that took advantage of his abilities above the Strawhats.
“I’ve got it!” Stresun grinned. “An eating competition! No one has a bigger appetite than Linlin!”
Katakuri froze.
Yes, Linlin’s appetite was large. But it was quantity, not speed in which she excelled in. He couldn’t say that, couldn’t question her skills, with her already on the verge of a meltdown.
Unless he could find someone better suited.
Eating? Surely I could win, but--
No, there would be no chance I could do it somewhere out of the sight of others. There would be questions, or I’d be accused of cheating by Morgan or the Strawhats.
There would be no better option than me.
And yet…and yet!
“Do we get to pick the food?” Luffy grinned.
“I don’t see why not!” Stresun agreed.
Katakuri didn’t like the gleam in the Sanji’s eyes as he said that. He didn’t like the way the small orange woman covered her mouth as she whispered something to the twig-like man on her left.
But what else is there to do?
Katakuri narrowed his eyes as Linlin sat down in front of a massive platter of cake. The same cake she’d been devouring for nearly an hour now.
He knew her appetite was fierce, but that would surely slow her down. And as an equally big pile of meat was placed in front of Luffy, Katakuri did what he knew he must.
He looked into the future.
But…with a sinking certainty, he knew what he’d see.
They’d lose their chance at Nico Robin. He’d lose one of his siblings, whom he had always worked his hardest to protect.
But--
Katakuri opened his mouth to speak. To volunteer, and stop this otherwise inevitable future.
But another image flashed through his mind instead.
Brulee’s face, beaten and torn. Her clothes ripped, and her tiny face crumpled in pain as she lay on the pavestones.
Katakuri closed his mouth with a sharp clack of fang.
“Go!”
Linlin leaned forward, eyes shining as she grabbed fistfuls of cake, shoveling them down with glee.
Monkey D. Luffy’s plate was empty.
It had taken perhaps less than a second.
“That was great!” He grinned. “Do you have any more?”
Linlin froze, frosting smeared around her mouth. Her face turned pink. Then red. Then an angry, violent shade of purple.
Silence fell over Whole Cake Island.
Then, a crowing laughter echoed from the tables. “Well done, Strawhats! So, who are you choosing?”
“Huh?” Luffy’s brow furrowed. “We already got…” he counted on his fingers, then gaped. “OH YEAH I FORGOT!”
His eyes scanned the crowd. “Well…” he tapped his chin. “Hey, Sanji! Pudding was really mean to you, right? We don’t want her on the crew?”
Sanji’s eyes went to Pudding. Katakuri tried to shove down the irritation roiling in his chest at Sanji’s look of disappointment and frustration.
“She’s better off here, Luffy.”
He believed that. Katakuri had to concede to the fact that Sanji truly seemed to believe she would be safe here.
He’d need to do…something, to curb Linlin’s wrath to her later that night. Pudding would be the perfect target of her rage.
So, not Pudding.
He knew he could look into the future. He nearly did, a dozen times in the seconds that stretched out as Luffy scanned the crowd.
Then, those shining eyes landed on him. A rubbery finger pointed at his face.
“Hey!” Luffy grinned, wide as the sky and bright as the sun. “That guy seems cool! We’ll take him!”