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Remus finds him on the roof with his wand in his hand and an open bottle of muggle scotch next to him.
“Sirius.”
The black haired boy stays staring at the sky. He makes a pretty picture, all messy dark hair and ghostly pale skin shining in the moonlight. Remus isn't impressed.
“What are you doing up here? And why’d you skip potions and dinner? You had James and Peter worried sick.”
A grin twists at the corner of Sirius's mouth; Remus can see it as he steps closer alongside Sirius,but it isn't a nice one.
“But not you?” Were the first words that came out of Sirius's mouth addressed at Remus since what felt like forever.
Remus doesn't answer and instead asks another question. “What are you doing up here?”
Sirius takes a swig from the bottle and wipes his mouth on the back of his hand.
“Sirius?”
Sirius raises the bottle again,still not answering the other boy's questions. Remus snatches it from his hand and slams it down,harder than necessary,on the roof.
Sirius lifts his eyes and lowers them again when he sees the smoldering anger set deep into Remus's amber eyes.
“Needed privacy.” He says.
“Priv- for what?” Remus asks,bewildered.
Sirius lets out a low laugh,one that just dances on the edge of manic. “I have two words for you. Avada and kedavra.”
“Oh because attempting murder on Snape once wasn't enough? Got a more convenient method now that the werewolf wouldn't roll over and do the killing for you?” Remus is definitely angry now, and he's fed up and he starts to walk away but Sirius just flinches a bit at his words and whispers something.
Remus is to the window when Sirius calls his name. “What?” He growls.
“I’m sorry.”
There it is.
“If you say that to me one more time…” Remus snarls.
“For giving you the wrong impression with what I said,I mean.” Sirius cuts in. “Don't worry,I understood your threats the last time I tried to apologize for...that.”
That. As if it were so small a thing it could be condensed to such an ordinary word.
Remus nods stiffly.
“Who are you planning homicide against?”
Sirius sighs. “I don't think it's technically called homicide if you do it to yourself.”
Time freezes.
“No.” Remus chokes out. “No.”
Sirius' eyes swing up to him,surprise written across his face as if he actually thought that Remus would be okay with this,or worse want it.
“Two words,Remus and I wouldn't have to feel anything ever again.
Two words and everything would just... stop.”
“You can't be-” Remus stops himself from making that pun. Now was not the time for jokes, inadvertent or not. “You can't mean that.”
“And why not?” Sirius asks,his voice hollow. “Do you remember our first trip to Hogsmeade?”
Remus furrows his brow. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Do you remember how I went into Honeydukes because I'd forgotten to get Regulus the candy bar I'd promised him?”
Remus thought back, and yes he did remember. Sirius met them at the Three Broomsticks later and he was very quiet the rest of the night. Which was strange because it was Sirius who was usually loud and snarky and it was an exciting day.
“Yes. I remember.”
“There was a woman in there,I’m guessing a local,she took one look at me and a look of revulsion crossed her face. She knew who I was,well who my family was.” Sirius's laugh was unhinged and he twirled his wand between his fingers.
“Don't you get it? That's all people see when they look at me. That's all anyone will ever see. They hurt people,I hurt people. That's all I'm good for.”
He reaches for the bottle again,Remus’s anger be damned and takes a swallow,and another one and another one and he twirls his wand some more. He strokes his fingers over it and looks at it as if it holds all of life's answers.
Remus takes a step forward. “You don't hurt me.”
Sirius tries to laugh but it gets stuck in his throat behind the scotch and he chokes. He manages a word around his coughing. “Liar.”
Remus takes another step while Sirius is distracted but Sirius straightens up and directs his gaze at Remus and the boy pauses. He doesn't like the look in Sirius's eye. It's the kind of look he has when him and Regulus fight,it’s the kind of look he had when his parents publicly disowned him,the howler that came and the newspaper article that the entire school read. It's the look of a trapped and wounded animal who's been pushed too far and was about to pounce.
“Sirius.”
“Remus.”
Remus takes another step and holds out his hand. “Give me your wand. Give it to me,you don't need it.”
“Oh,but I do. Don't you see? This… this is the answer.”
Sirius sounds miserable
“The answer to what?”
“Everyone's happiness.”
“No, Sirius.” Sirius glances up at the tone of Remus's voice. He sounds...sad. Remus shouldn't be sad, Sirius thought. He'd had enough of that in his lifetime. “No, it's not.”
Remus is surprised and stumbles back when Sirius jumps up and starts shouting. “What do you want from me?”
“Sirius-”
Sirius is waving his arms around, his wand looking extra sharp in the little light the night sky provided.
“I don't know what you want! I don't know what I can do besides this. I'm a disappointment either way and I-” His voice cracks. “I don't want to hurt you again. Not you, Remus.”
Remus's throat closes up, thick with emotion. “Sirius…”
The other boy squeezes his eyes shut and inches his wand closer to his head. “I don't…”
Remus steps forward and when Sirius doesn't move, takes two long strides and closes the space between them. “Hey, shh.You need to trust me,love.” Sirius lets out a chokes sob at the endearment.
“Come on,trust me. I have you.” He reaches for the wand, watching Sirius's pale hand clench around it and then slowly release it,letting the sandy haired boy take it.
Once he has the wand, Remus tucks it into his pocket and wraps his arms around Sirius. Sirius lets him,tentatively resting his head on Remus's shoulder, the jumper soft beneath his cheek. Remus brushes his hand through Sirius's hair.
“It's going to be alright, it's going to be alright.” Remus sinks slowly to the stone, sinking Sirius with him and Remus hugs him tighter, hugs him so tight that he shows Sirius that he doesn't want him to go away. He shushes Sirius's apologies and just keeps hugging him. Hugs him and murmurs to him until Sirius's sobs quiet and he even startes to believe it.