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"And this is how you do a german suplex." The punching bag slammed onto the wooden surface of the coffee table with a sickening crunch, easily thrown with enough force to kill a grown man. Fareeha was demonstrating a series of wrestling moves for her daughter, who was watching from the couch with her laptop, quietly streaming the entire spectacle to her adoring fans. Pharah straightened herself, rolling her shoulders before dragging the punching bag back into a standing position.
"How would i defend myself if, say. If they had a gun?" Hana raised her voice, mildly enthused but more excited at the number of views she was getting. The security guard contemplated her options before grabbing the upper-middle section of her sand-filled victim, lifting it up into the air at an arm's length.
"Then you do a chokeslam." Pharah proceeded to swing down with her whole shoulder, slamming the bag between the coffee table and her forearm. The wooden table let out a sharp crack, the artisan legs giving way as it snapped in two. ".......Shit."
".......One last question, mom?" Hana closed her laptop, cutting off the stream.
"Huh? Yeah, what?" Fareeha went wide-eyed as she set her hands on the splintered wood of Angela's prized coffee table, freaking out. Hana reached behind her back, taking a VHS and holding it up.
"Did you learn all that from the military or these home recordings of WWE?"
"DArling! Sweetheart! I'm hooooome~" The front door slammed open as Angela staggered into the house, having just been dropped off by the inspector after a night spent bar-hopping. "How you two been?" Hana looked at Pharah, then at the thin wall dividing the kitchen and living room, then back at Pharah. They had about four seconds before Mercy would walk in here and find an abused punching bag on what was left of her favorite furniture, and about sixty-four seconds before Fareeha would find herself tied up under the desk in Mercy's lab. Deciding she was no longer interested in the wrestling moves of the previous generation, D.va sprinted up the stairs to her room in a flash of pink.
Amari did her best to look innocent as her four seconds ran dry, the dainty yet hungover shadow of her wife preceding her entrance as she stumbled into the room, making a beeline for the couch. She didn't quite make it, tripping over the sandbag and falling into the surprised arms of her wife, sending them both careening into the sofa.
"The fuck did I just trip o-MmMPHMH!" Angela struggled as Fareeha quickly embraced her, pulling her face down into her bosom to hold her until she calmed down.
"Nothing, Babe! Your own feet! Anyway, I was thinking we could go shopping for a new cage for Dieter, sound fun?!" Mercy was too busy tapping out to listen, gasping for air at Fareeha's well-endowed chokehold. D.va, watching from the top of the stairs, took a step down, confused at the lack of conflict that she might or might not have planned to record.
"Alright." Angela brushed off her shoulders, her back to the unholy mess behind her as she looked at her spouse. "Just because I got to feel your boobs first thing in the morning, I won't look at whatever you did that’s evidently behind me. Did you have any plans or was that just spur of the moment talking?"
“I..Um...We should go to IKEA! Dieter needs a new cage, yeah.”
"Uh." Hana waved from the second step on the stair case. "GG no re, but I don't want to be involved in this. Hella busy. Super Smash Con is going down, which means ebay is on fire with discounted merch. But bring me back some dew, 'kay?"
"I still don't understand why I have to come. Party foul, like fuckin' really." Hana pouted, scrunched up in the back seat with her arms crossed, face pressed against the window as she watched the scenery shoot by.
"It's good to get out of the house every now and again. Besides, your mother and I haven't seen you in, what, days? You're always in your room." Fareeha talked over her shoulder, a hint of excitement in her voice at the prospect of spending more time with her daughter. D.va grumbled to herself as she put in a pair of earbuds, cranking up some soft melody on her iphone to pretend she was in a dramatic coming-of-age movie. Why did we have to move. Will I make any friends? I wonder what the new town will be like.
Angela was spending the roadtrip passed out in the passenger seat, a purple sleeping mask with comical eyes slapped over her face as she attempted to purge her hangover.
A twenty minute drive later, the gang pulled into the gratuitous parking of IKEA superstore. Fareeha and Hana stepped out, waiting a few minutes for Angela to wake up before taking matters into their own hands. Hana grabbed a discarded shopping cart, and Fareeha eased her wife out of the sedan, princess carrying her before dumping her into the metal frame of the cart, her arms and legs hanging over the sides. "Alright, let's go. I have a shopping list here, we need....a new coffee table, a bigger cage for Dieter......Disco lights? Did you write that?" Hana smirked as Pharah pointed the list in her direction. "Well, whatever. It shouldn't be too expensive. Disco lights it is."
The family walked to the entrance of the imposing warehouse, stopping right outside to take a break; Hana really needed to work on her cardio. "I don't think this place even uses carts...." Pharah mumbled to herself, studying the floor plan posted nearby the entrance. "Guess we have to leave mom here."
"Shame." Hana nodded as they ditched the cart and headed inside. The suspiciously clean building presented a escalator directly in front of them, guiding them to the first floor of displays. Hana jumped on enthusiastically. "Yo, these things are dank! We should replace the stairs with them."
"Uhuh. When you pay the electric bill, we'll do that." The security guard followed close behind, letting her elbows rest on the handrail.
"I make more money than you." They looked at each other. The professional live-streamer wasn't wrong.
"YOU SONS OF BITCHES LEFT ME TO DIE." Angela burst through the doorway. Fareeha waved as she and Hana reached the top of the escalator, stepping off and standing to the side to wait. The doctor joined them a few seconds later, too lazy to actually walk up the automated stairs despite her irritation. "I wake up, not only in a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot, but then some bozo of an employee asks me to take a customer service survey! What's wrong with you?!"
"Babe, please. Not in front of the child."
"Yeah, mom. Not in front of the child. Calm down. Just a prank, bro." Hana snickered as Mercy shook her head, taking a deep breath before heading into the large expanse that was IKEA, wife and child close behind.
"Let's just buy what we came to buy and get out. I need some coffee."
The trio began their trek, phasing into a montage of exploring the endless halls of IKEA as a jaunty tune began to play in the background. ~Roads go ever ever on, Over rock and under tree, By caves where never sun has shone, By streams that never find the sea; Over snow by winter sown, And through the merry flowers of June, Over grass and over stone, And under mountains in the mooooon.~
Eventually, Angela found herself smack dab in the bedroom section, surrounded by fluffy mattresses and pillows that seemed to call out to her hungover self in warm, inviting promises. "...Maybe just a quick test." Mercy whispered to herself as she swan dived into one of the display beds, cozying up to a pillow and closing her eyes. Fareeha watched the whole thing, rubbing her forehead in disappointment before slowly dragging her spouse off the bed.
"Babe, no. We're almost at the disco ball section. Stay awake."
"Come join me."
"Babe, no." Angela landed on the ground with a ‘thud’.
~Roads go ever ever on, Under cloud and under star. Yet feet that wandering have gone Turn at last to home afar. Eyes that fire and sword have seen, And horror in the halls of stone Look at last on meadows green, And trees and hills they long have known.~
The fellowship finally ended up in the lamp section, a personal favorite. Various improbable and otherwise nonsensical lighting fixtures sat on the walls for appraisal. Fareeha, being the closet art connoisseur that she was, stood loftily, a hand stroking her chin as she visually interrogated the lamps. "I swear, modern art is getting out of hand."
"I want this one!" Hana called after both her mothers, pointing at a rotating disco ball of a lamp. It was the kind of one you buy for parties, only to use once before it either breaks or becomes too much work to set up a second time. Angela wrote down the product number with an excited nod.
"I like it! Good taste, darling!" The pair proceeded to start an in-depth conversation about the exciting features the ball offered as Fareeha watched the fucking casuals with disdain from the background. One item crossed off their list, the family that resembled Sally Forth a little too much went to their next location, tables. But not before another musical number.
~The Road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with eager feet, Until it joins some larger way, Where many paths and errands meet.~
Tables. If there's one thing people know about IKEA, it's that the furniture is a pain in the ass to put together. Tables are the worst of the worst, right next to bedframes. Hana had ran off to look at stuffed animals in the stuffed animal section, leaving Fareeha to inspect some of the wooden coffee tables as Angela drifted up alongside her. The doctor set an icy hand on the security guard’s shoulder, opening her mouth with a calm smile.
"Why do we need a new table, anyway? Isn't our old one fine and dandy?" Ziegler leaned against her partner's back, setting her hand on the one tracing over wood. "This one sure looks similar to the one at home, doesn't it?"
"Okay. Babe. I broke the table. You're scaring me. Just wait until we get home before you make me do.... stuff ." Pharah batted her hand away, blushing as she scribbled down the table's number. Angela huffed, brushing some hair out of her eyes as she tried to locate Hana.
"Okay, fiiiiiine. You're no fun. Let's find Hana and go to the food court, i'm starving." Mercy said the words no more than a second before something soft was shoved into her face, not garning a reaction as much as it should have as Angela just stood there, taking the brunt of it. "Hey, darling. Find something you like?"
"Dude, hell yes i did! lookit this thing!" Hana retracted the stuffed animal from her mom’s face so they could get a better look at it, both parents adopting a look of confusion at the creator’s taste as they stared at the plush. The turnip was sporting a cute face, almost cute enough to distract from the various hentai-worthy tentacles it was sprouting from underneath.
".....what the fu ~The Road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with weary feet, Until it joins some larger way, Where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say.~
The group found themselves in the food court, the doctor squinting at the ceiling as her wife and daughter grabbed trays and got in line. "Wha...weren't we just...This is some swedish witchery, I swear.." Angela mumbled to herself as she stepped behind her family, refusing to miss out on coffee regardless.
Hana was first to get her food, choosing chicken tenders and chocolate cake like the gremlin she was, grabbing a table for the three of them and digging into her food without waiting for the others. She didn't even grab napkins. Fareeha slid into the opposite seat, holding a tray covered with swedish meatballs. "Chocolate cake, hmm~? Want to give mom a bite?"
"Lol, blocked. Reported." Hana set her cake as far away as possible from her mother, stuffing fries into her face all the while. Pharah scooted her own plate aside, making room for Angela as she flopped into her seat, holding a cup of coffee and a piece of the same chocolate cake.
"Fuck me, I am not used to walking so much." Mercy groaned, sipping her boiling hot coffee as if she didn't feel pain. Fareeha eyed her cake, carefully picking up a fork to nab a bite of the stuff. The doctor gently grabbed Fareeha's thieving hand, turning to Hana before applying force to Pharah's pressure points, holding her mercilessly. "How's your food darling~?" Hana opened her mouth, hesitating as Fareeha punched the table; whimpering and writhing in the painful grip of her wife, mouthing desperate apologies.
"...It’s good?"
"That's great~" Angela released Fareeha's hand, turning her attention back to her coffee as the ex-major rubbed her hand, smarting.
After finishing their food and making sure Pharah got no cake, the family went to go pick up their chosen furniture and head home. Fareeha doubled checked the list as Angela brought around the loading cart, the table and disco ball encased in large boxes for transport. They never did find a cage for dieter, but IKEA doesn't specialize in pet supplies anyway.
"Table. Disco ball. Literal nightmare. Alright, checks out." Amari tucked the list into her back pocket, Hana frowning at the disrespect of the stuffed animal she was holding.
"Aaaaand that'll be seventy-four dollars." The cashier, a short Chinese girl, counted out the change as Fareeha handed her a stack of bills. She didn't trust credit cards. Their purchase complete, Angela wheeled the cart outside, giving up halfway and forcing Fareeha to push the rest as she and Hana rode on top of the boxes, cheering.
They had to collapse one of the back seats to fit the table into the small sedan, forcing Hana to basically lean against the uncomfortable cardboard box as they prepared for the ride home. "I can't wait to take a nap." Angela grinned as the elastic sleep mask snapped over her face, getting comfortable in the passenger seat before passing out as if she had narcolepsy. Fareeha silently thanked the universe that she didn't have the same hangover problems as her wife as she turned the ignition, the car groaning to life as the headed for the highway home.
"Are we there yet?" Hana shifted unhappily in the back seat, holding her new plush in her lap as the table poked into her side of the car.
"No, Hana. We just left."
".....How close are we?"
Fareeha held the steering wheel like a stress ball. "I don't know, maybe nineteen minutes?" Hana waited a good two minutes before calling out again.
"How about now?!"
"...I will drive into the ditch I swear."
After getting home safely, without driving into any ditches, Pharah singlehandedly dragged the table into the living room for construction; Hana running upstairs to install her disco ball and Angela grumbling about a second cup of coffee. Fareeha sliced open the box, pulling out copious amounts of wooden bits and a set of instructions. Angela joined her just as she had retrieved the power tools from the garage.
"Well doesn't this look like a piece of work. Also the table looks pretty nice." Mercy laughed to herself as she squatted down to join her kneeling wife, looking over all the different parts they would have to put together.
"Are you just going to heckle me or are you going to help me."
" A bit of both."
"Like always." Fareeha nudged her wife playfully as they got down to work, comparing the diagrams to the table itself and setting forth to complete their masterpiece. Surely, there would be no problems.
Several problems and a lot of screaming later, the pair had finished approximately maybe a half of the work. "I can't. I fucking can't." Angela trembled, close to tears as she attempted to fit tab A into slot B. It refused to fit.
"Pull yourself together, man! WE ARE GOING TO BE OKAY!" Fareeha roared as she tried to drill screws into holes that were just a tad too small. Hana was sitting on the couch again, holding her new stuffed animal as her laptop silently broadcasted the tragic comedy to all her viewers.
Mercy dropped the table leg she was working on, exhausted and emotionally compromised. "This isn't worth it. We don't even need a coffee table. The couch has armrests, we can just set drinks on those."
"SNAP OUT OF IT." Pharah grabbed her wife by the collar, throttling her like a shell shocked marine in the movies. "ARE YOU GOING TO LET THIS DAMN COFFEE TABLE WIPE THE FLOOR WITH YOU?!"
"Ye-"DOn't answer that." Fareeha picked up the wooden leg, thrusting it back into Angela's arms. "Let's just get this done and we can crack open a new tub of gelato."
"......Okay." Mercy nodded as she gripped the frustrating table, reaffirmed in her focus with the promise of reward.
Somehow, someway, after way too much time and a few tears, the coffee table was complete. The pristine wood seemed to shine in the living room light, fitting perfectly in the gap the old one had left behind. They each tested it out in their own way. Hana was the first to test it, setting her laptop on the sleek wooden surface. Her followers commented on how good a craftsman her mother seemed, despite kicking it multiple times.
"A laptop isn't a good way to test a table. You need to pretend you're having a party." Angela wagged a finger at her daughter before slamming one of her many mugs onto the wooden, taking out some of her aggravation before picking it up. It left a small dent. Fareeha groaned, too tired to be upset. The rubik’s cube of a coffee table deserved it.
"Alright." Fareeha fetched an unopened pair of ice cream tubs, handing one to her wife before they collapsed on the couch, sitting on either side of Hana.
"Good job, mom." Hana smiled as she stole some gelato from Fareeha's container, smart enough to not even go near Ziegler's.Two tubs of gelato disappeared within the span of half an hour, leaving a very content Angela and a stomachache-suffering Fareeha in its wake.
"We are never going to IKEA again." Pharah swore into one of the couch pillows, Angela nodding in agreement as they realized the entire day had been wasted.
"I am glad you are here with me."
"Are you being romantic or quoting lord of the rings again."
"Here at the end of all things, Sam."
"You're a piece of shit, Frodo." Angela laughed at her wife's response, having nothing else to say as Hana looked at both of them, cursing herself for ending the stream too soon. The journey was at an end, mission accomplished. At least, until Hana asked Pharah to demonstrate a brainbuster the following week.