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He’s not sure when or why this all started, but lately Will Solace has found himself spacing out more and more. It usually happens during the rare quiet moments he spends alone, but, more recently, he’s started to do it around his boyfriend. At first, Nico would just nudge him gently to reel him back in, but he’s started to give Will worrying glances. So Will tries to be vigilant and stop himself from drifting away, keeping himself occupied even when he’s alone.
Staying busy has always kept Will comfortable. Like his boyfriend, Will knows he struggles when the time comes to rest. He doesn’t mind the idea of slowing down and taking time to relax, conceptually speaking. He just isn’t always sure how to do that. The closest he gets to relaxing is spending time with Nico, but even then, part of him knows he’s still hard at work managing his own thoughts and emotions. A lot’s going on in his head at all times, but he’s gotten good at setting things aside to focus on what’s in front of him. And that’s a good thing, right?
The last thing Will remembers is Nico talking about the music Austin has gotten him listening to lately, but he must have drifted off, because he comes to when his boyfriend pokes his cheek and asks, “Earth to Will, you there?”
He blinks and looks over to Nico, “Yeah! Yeah, sorry,” he laughs, “I swear I was paying attention, I just-”
“Hey, you’re fine,” Nico reassures, taking Will’s hand in his own, “You were just staring off, and I got worried.”
“It’s okay, I think I’ve just been a little out of it lately.”
Nico nods slowly and scans his face, “You okay?”
“Yeah. I mean, nothing’s wrong or anything. I’ve just been a little out of it.”
“Mhmm…” the son of Hades narrows his eyes as if doubting his boyfriend’s claims. “Are you sure? Because you know you can talk to me if anything’s bothering you.”
He smiles and nods, “Of course, I know that. There’s just nothing going on. Camp is camp, but in the way that there’s no big catastrophe coming, and that’s life.”
“Sure, but sometimes it takes normalcy to notice something’s up internally. Like, you finally have a second to yourself to breathe, and so everything you’ve been putting off processing comes rushing forward.”
“Well, lucky for me, I haven’t been putting off processing anything. I’m perfectly well-balanced,” he hums contentedly.
Nico raises an eyebrow and chuckles, “Right, right.”
“What? You doubt me or something?”
“I mean, if I’m being honest, I don’t think anyone here is perfectly balanced. We’ve all got some baggage, whether or not we realize it.”
“Well, maybe I’m a special case, then.”
“Oh, now, that’s definitely not true.”
Will gapes, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Squeezing his hand, Nico looks at him sympathetically, “Will, you’ve been through a lot. All I’m saying is that life hasn’t been easy on you, even if you think you’ve got it good.”
Shrugging, Will leans on his boyfriend, “I guess, but I’m still super lucky in comparison to other campers.” He doesn’t say it, but both boys know he’s comparing himself to Nico.
“Doesn’t make your struggles less valid, you know.”
“Sure, but it does mean I have a better support system.”
“I feel like that only counts if you use the support system.”
“I use my support system,” he huffs light-heartedly. “I talk to you all the time.”
Nico kisses the top of his head, “I know, but we don’t talk about you or how you’re feeling all that much. If we ever talk about emotions or trauma or whatever, it’s usually mine we’re focused on.”
“I guess I don’t really have much to talk about there. I’m pretty happy with life as it is.”
Nico shifts, prompting Will to sit up as his boyfriend moves to sit in front of him and hold both his hands. “I am too, but that doesn’t get rid of what I’ve been through before, and the same is true for you.”
“Is this, like, an intervention or something?” Will asks with a laugh. Nico can get pretty serious pretty quickly, but right now, it feels like Nico is trying to get something out of him despite him being perfectly happy.
“No- Well, not exactly. I’m just worried because, like you said, you’ve been pretty out of it lately, and it looks like you’ve been kind of dissociating?”
He’s never thought about it like that. Sure, he’s been spacey and checked out sometimes, but he never thought that meant anything so serious. “I’m pretty sure it’s nothing to worry about, Nico. I’m just not used to having downtime.”
“Exactly! You’re always doing something. Even when you have time to relax when it’s just us, you’re so focused on me that sometimes I think you let yourself fall by the wayside.”
“I’m not always doing something. I’m busy, sure, but that’s what being an elder demigod and a head counselor is, you know that.”
“Yeah, and you’ve been head counselor since you were a tween, Will.”
At that, Will gets quiet. He doesn’t like to think about when he became head counselor. Losing Lee and Michael took a toll on him, but there was so much going on that he couldn’t let that stop him from leading or helping others, whether they were his siblings or not. Maybe that’s what Nico was trying to get at. The fact that people have been relying on him- for healing, for support, for guidance- since he was around 13 years old.
Nico’s hand on his cheek reels him back in, and he realizes he’s started to cry. He sniffles and shakes his head slightly, “Sorry, I-”
“Hey, don’t apologize,” Nico says, “I brought up one of the worst moments of your life. It only makes sense that it upset you.”
“Yeah, but I should- It’s been years since they-”
“It’s been longer than that since I lost Bianca, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still hurt or miss her. Right?”
Will nods quietly, raising his head and staring at the ceiling to try to stop his crying.
Nico leans forward and wraps his arms about the son of Apollo, pulling him into a tight hug as he sighs, “I’m sorry... I just realized that you never let yourself be upset for all that long. And even when you are upset, it seems like you just blame yourself instead of letting yourself feel what you’re feeling. I don’t want you hiding away all your emotions, Will. It’s not fair to you.”
“I’m sorry,” Will whimpers, weakly returning the hug. He doesn’t know what to say. Really, he’s just taking Nico’s words in. He can’t say his boyfriend is wrong. He can’t remember the last time he got upset without finding a way to shut it down for someone else’s sake. When he was struggling to find the beauty in the underworld, he pivoted to focus on how that hurt Nico, rather than why he was struggling in the first place. He was afraid, and he knew it, but it was more important that he’d hurt Nico, so his fear took a backseat to his shame.
“You don’t have to apologize. Trust me, I know how hard it can be to admit when you're struggling. And given the fact that you pride yourself on your ability to help and heal, it only makes sense that you focus on others so much more than yourself.” The son of Hades tries to pull away, but Will tightens his hold, so he instead places a kiss on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “I want you to know that I’m here for you, just as much as you’re here for me. You don’t have to be perfect or brave when you’re with me. All I want is for you to be you. And if that means you’re going to fall every now and then, I’d be honored to catch you.”
Continuing to sniffle and focus on maintaining his breathing, Will can’t find the right words. Even if he could, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to choke them out. So for a while, they just sit there in each other’s arms as Will cries and Nico comforts him.
It feels like he’s been crying for hours when Will is finally able and willing to let his boyfriend go enough to pull back and wipe his eyes with the sleeves of his flannel. Nico returns to holding his hands and gently guides him in taking some deep breaths to calm himself further. After another minute or so of steady breathing, Will sighs and laughs, “I must look like a mess.”
“You look beautiful, sunshine.” Nico counters, kissing his tearstained cheek.
“Gross,” he complains, though he can’t stop the smile that spreads across his lips.
“If you think that’s gross, you’re gonna hate this,” Nico hums before planting kisses all over his face, getting Will to laugh even more.
“Stop,” he laughs without actually making an effort to get his boyfriend to stop.
Eventually, Nico does stop, but only after he holds Will’s face in his hands and gently kisses his lips.
Will smiles and leans his head into his hand, humming, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Nico replies, letting his other hand fall back into their laps to once again take Will’s hand. “How do you feel?”
“Like I just cried a lot.”
Nico chuckles, “Okay, yeah, but other than that.”
Will takes a second to consider it before landing on, “Like I took a tiny step forward.”
“Perfect.”