Chapter Text
"Spencer! Not again!"
Spencer Hastings looks up from the spot on the couch she's staring at. Her shoulders rise to the level of her ears, and her soft brown hair leaves tendrils around her cheeks as she winces. Not again. Not again, indeed.
She's staring at the spot to stop herself from bursting into tears. She's trying to keep her composure, because her mother's just found the extra load of laundry whirring in the machine. And Spencer's sixteen years old. She should be moving past this.
Even in Rosewood, when the average potty training age is around sixteen, Spencer's parents believe that their daughters should be ahead of the curve. Melissa, Spencer's sister, was potty trained and completely out of her baby stage by fifteen and a half. It irks them to no end that Spencer has no interest or desire to get out of hers.
To be honest, there are only a few people Spencer's age that are out of their baby stage, that Spencer knows of, anyway. One is her friend Emily. But Emily just turned seventeen, being the oldest of their group of friends, and she was always disinterested in staying long in diapers and drinking from bottles. Aria is similar – she's almost seventeen and only wears diapers at night. She doesn't even want to look at bottles. Hanna is closer to Spencer's age and also her developmental level, but even Hanna is starting to want to pick out pretty panties and clothing at the stores that don't need to be tailored to hide diapers. Spencer is the only one who seems to be comfortable just as she is.
But it's hard. Spencer's parents refused to buy her usual absorbent diapers, citing that if she feels uncomfortable, it will motivate her to get out of them sooner. This causes leaks and accidents, often at night. And now Spencer is trying to hide that she woke up to wet sheets and pajama bottoms this morning, once again, because she knows her mother is going to yell at her.
Her mother comes out of the laundry room, her perfect hair and clothing in place as usual. Spencer can't look at her mother. Her lower lip juts out despite herself, and her mother sighs in exasperation.
"We bought you that alarm clock to wake you up through the night, so that you can learn to wake up and use the toilet. You know you're supposed to be using it when you can. And yet this is the fifth load of laundry this week because you're not using the alarm, Spence. What's it going to take? Melissa was never like this. She was eager to start training herself much younger than you."
Spencer blinks, saying nothing. Two tears drop from her eyes and land on her tightly folded hands. Mrs. Hastings just makes another irritated sound.
"Crying won't change my mind on this. You're sixteen and it's high time you started acting like it. You're wasting water and time, not to mention money on these diapers. Isn't sixteen years enough?"
Spencer finally looks up at her mother, her brown eyes glittering with angry tears. "I'm just tired of you nagging at me. I'm not ready, Mom. I don't want to start trying yet. And I especially don't want to when you're pushing like this!"
"Well, if I didn't push, your natural laziness would just take over, as usual. Spencer, don't disappoint me again. We're going to have to start taking away privileges if you can't understand what's expected of you. And that means seeing your friends!" Mrs. Hastings throws up her hands and stomps upstairs, leaving Spencer to curl up on the couch and begin to cry.
Only last year, all of her friends were in her position. Everyone was comfortable, and sleepovers had them all needing bottles to fall asleep and blankets or stuffed animals to cuddle with. Everyone wore diapers, even Emily, who was already starting to move out of that stage. No one felt awkward or out of place . . . the way it should be.
And now, everyone's moving on without Spencer. While only a few people in her grade are completely clear of babyhood, everyone is talking about the latest stage they've reached, whether they've moved completely out of daytime diapers or are starting to be dry at night. No one uses a bottle at lunchtime anymore, and when Spencer pulled hers out to nurse at during a movie in class, she was snickered at by the people around her. It's hard.
Spencer unfolds herself from the couch and winces as her thinner diaper peels wetly from her skin. These are uncomfortable, but still. She just wants to be left alone.
Mrs. Hastings comes back in, her briefcase in her hand. "Spence, change before school, please. I don't want to have to sign you out so you can drive home and get a fresh pair of pants because you leaked today. Though if you're smart, you'll set the timer on your phone to remind you to use the toilet regularly today. That will help with any accidents."
Spencer sighs loudly. "I don't want to, Mom! I'm comfortable the way I am!"
Her mother just shrugs, pouring herself a cup of coffee. "Well, you may have to start footing the bill for your baby stuff, then. Your father and I just don't feel we should have to pay for it anymore. You're too old." She comes over and kisses her daughter's forehead – a dry, loveless peck.
"Be good today and think about what we've said. I'll be working from home today, so I'll be here for dinner."
Spencer starts to cry before she can stop herself, and her mother's shoulders stiffen. "Spencer."
"I just want things to go back the way they were," Spencer sniffles, and her mother sighs.
"I know. But you're a big girl, now. Think about what I said."
Spencer wipes her cheeks and tries to straighten up, and her mother smiles, a little tenderly. "That's a girl."
Watching her mother go out the door to grab some things from her office, Spencer is reminded that she only has twenty minutes til the first bell and she still needs to change and drive to school. Dashing up the stairs, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. The thinner diapers are still visible under her jeans, and give her tall, angular body a slightly rounded look. Spencer likes the way she looks. No diapers would make her back end look flat as a pancake. She pouts at herself in the mirror, but is startled a moment later when her sister, Melissa, comes out of her room.
Melissa pauses on her way to the bathroom to stare at Spencer, much like a cat would stare at a mouse. "Morning, little sister," she says, emphasizing the "little". "You'd better change before you get those pretty new jeans all messy. I can tell from here you're wet."
Though Melissa's words are fine, her tone is full of barbs, and Spencer can't stop her lower lip from trembling again. Melissa rolls her eyes.
"Oh, stop with the waterworks. It doesn't work on Mom and Dad and it certainly doesn't work on me. You're way too old to be pissing your pants, and you know it. I don't know why you're fighting them on this. You're just being a big disappointment, as usual." Melissa, her hair perfect and skin perfect even before she's gotten ready for the day, bangs the bathroom door in Spencer's face and leaves her little sister in the hallway.
Spencer goes slowly into her room and takes off her jeans, stripping off the wet diaper to put on a fresh one. Maybe she should start taking more of an interest. Maybe she is a big disappointment.
Looking at herself in the mirror, she puts on her fresh diaper and pulls up her jeans, then tries a smile. It turns out as a grimace, and Spencer has to angrily wipe her cheeks free of the tears leaking from her eyes before grabbing her keys off her dresser. She'll be late for school.
She's already enough of a failure without adding that to the mix.
/~/
Emily's waiting by Spencer's locker when Spencer arrives at school. The pretty Asian-American girl is leaning casually against the door, and greets Spencer with a smile. "Hi, Spence."
"Hi," mutters Spencer, opening her locker with a wrench. She doesn't look at Emily, and it takes a cool finger under her chin to get Spencer to meet Emily's eyes.
"Rough morning?" Emily's soft voice is soothing, and Spencer nods, and then leans forward to hug her friend. Emily just seems to understand. Her parents are just as obsessed with her being the first and best at everything. Emily cuddles Spencer to her and lets her hide her face for a while, then strokes her slightly flyaway hair.
"Come on. We've got class. Don't let them ruin your day, okay?"
"They took away my usual diapers," says Spencer, shutting her locker and falling into step beside Emily. "They want me to start feeling more uncomfortable so that I'm motivated to get out of them for good."
Emily purses her lips. "My parents did that, too, but I didn't have to stay in them long." She tries to catch Spencer's gaze, but Spencer doesn't look at her. She knows that their situations are completely different. Emily wanted to be out of diapers from the time she was about fourteen.
"Chin up, okay?" Emily gives Spencer another quick hug, then goes into her math class. Spencer continues to English class, feeling a bit bereft.
Halfway through class, her phone beeps. Her mother must have programmed in the toilet alarms she'd talked about this morning. But they're right in the middle of a test . . . and anyway, Spencer's already wet. She ignores the alarm and doesn't look at her phone again until lunch.
When she pulls it out, there are five text messages, all from her mother, reminding her to try to use the toilets at school. Spencer lets out a loud and exasperated sigh and tosses her phone onto the lunch table, just as Aria and Hanna slide into the chairs.
Hanna gives Spencer a quizzical look. "Issues today, Spence?"
"My mom won't leave me alone!" Spencer flops into her chair and opens her lunch bag to take out her bottle. She just really wants some comfort, and she snuck this bottle into her bag after her mother left. She's not supposed to have bottles at school.
Aria eyes Spencer's bottle of milk. "Honey . . . no. Put that away."
Spencer refuses to respond to her words, but shoots her a look of death. Now is not the time to nag, and Aria knows it. Nevertheless, she tries to gently reason with Spencer.
"Spence, no one else has a bottle at school."
"I don't care." Spencer looks down at her bottle. "I need it."
"You don't need it." Aria's hand comes into Spencer's line of vision, and before Spencer can react, she's gently removed the bottle from her grasp. "We can put this in a glass for you if you want milk."
Spencer's mouth opens and shuts like a fish, and then she starts to cry, just as Emily comes up to the table with her lunch. Emily looks a little shocked.
"What's going on?"
"Spence brought her bottle to school again." Aria shoots Emily a knowing look, and Hanna looks sympathetically at Spencer.
"She's upset now." Hanna reaches across the table to squeeze Spencer's hand. "But she knows that no one else has bottles. She's going to get made fun of."
Emily sits beside Spencer and puts an arm around the sobbing girl. "Spence. Get yourself together, okay? People are going to wonder what's wrong."
Instead of snapping back, Spencer simply turns into Emily, who cuddles her closely. Emily looks around at the other girls.
"Honestly, it is Spencer's choice if she wants to bring a bottle to school. She knows she might get made fun of."
Aria looks uncomfortable. "We all dropped ours by the end of ninth grade."
"Yeah, but Spencer hasn't. And that's okay," Emily reminds everyone, and then plucks the bottle from Aria's other side. She strokes Spencer's hair back from her tearstained face and hands her the bottle. "If it makes her feel better, then what's the harm? She's feeling yucky today."
Hanna nods, but Aria looks uncomfortable. "I guess so." She stands up. "I think I'm going to go see if I can get a head start on studying for the chemistry test. I'll catch you girls later."
Spencer watches Aria leave, and then mutters, half under her breath, "She's embarrassed to be seen with me."
Emily shakes her head, her face concerned. "No, sweetie, she isn't. She's just . . . advancing. She'll come around."
"And I'm not. So she's embarrassed to be seen with me."
"Well, I'm advancing, and I'm not," says Hanna cheerfully, and squeezes Spencer's other hand. "Everyone's ready at different times."
"And I was ready long before any of you, and I still like hanging around you," smiles Emily, which causes Spencer to smile a little. Spencer looks down at her bottle and her lips purse a little, moving as if she's sucking on its nipple. It's an entirely unconscious move, and Emily laughs a little bit.
"If you want it, Spence, go ahead. We can move to a more private place if you're worried."
Spencer studies her bottle for a moment and then regretfully puts it away. "Aria is right. I'll wait til later, I guess."
"Well, I'm going to go to the bathroom before class," says Emily. "Hanna, are you going to come?"
"Yeah. I should get into the habit." Hanna stands up and looks at Spencer. "Spence, you coming?"
Spencer does need to change, but she shakes her head. "I'll catch up with you."
Emily looks down at her quietly. "Maybe you could come and try? You could tell your parents you did."
Spencer looks up at Emily, but then shakes her head. "No. I don't really want to. Sorry."
Emily just shrugs back, but she takes Spencer's hand as the other girl gets up, and puts her lips close to her ear. "You need to change. I know what those diapers are like and you're going to have a mess if you don't."
Spencer nods, a little impatiently, and then watches Emily and Hanna walk down the hall, away from her.
Why doesn't anyone get that she's happy the way she is?
/~/
The accident happens right at the end of school. Spencer has never been so happy to be so close to her car. She did change halfway through the afternoon, but these diapers hold basically nothing, and now her new jeans are wet. Thankfully, no one can see her. She quickly takes a spare plastic bag from the glove box and puts it on her seat before getting into the car and driving away as fast as she can.
Maybe she should buy her old brand of diapers. It'd be awkward – kids normally don't buy their diapers, their parents do – but it's got to be better than these. She turns into her driveway after the quick six-minute drive home and dashes into the house before anyone outside can see her.
The laundry from this morning goes into the dryer, and Spencer strips her wet jeans and socks right off in the laundry room, throwing them into the washer with a load of other spare towels and washcloths. Her wet diaper hangs heavily from her hips, and she grimaces as it sticks and then peels off her skin. Ew.
Turning around to go upstairs, backpack in hand, she runs smack into Melissa, who sneers.
"Ew. I told you to change more often. Now you've ruined those jeans."
"Shut up, Melissa."
Melissa blocks Spencer's way out of the laundry room, her hands on her hips. "Oh, we're too good to ask for help, now? Last week you would have come to me, all teary-eyed, that you'd had an accident and you were scared Mom and Dad would find out."
"You'll tell them anyway," says Spencer, trying to sidestep Melissa. "I really want to take a shower."
Melissa finally steps out of Spencer's way. "Yeah, you need to. Mom!" she suddenly calls, and from the office by the kitchen, Mrs. Hastings pokes her head out. Shit. She's working from home today – Spencer forgot.
"Spencer's wet. Again." Melissa sounds half-disgusted, half-triumphant, and Mrs. Hastings sighs.
"Spence, honey – what about those alarms I set for you today? You were supposed to change and try on the toilets then. We agreed."
Spencer loses it. "We didn't agree! You decided for me!"
Mrs. Hastings sighs and comes out of the office. "Come on. I'll help you get clean. You know, Spencer, I'm just not sure how to get through to you. You just seem to like being messy like this, and I can't figure out why."
Spencer, despite her inner resolve to remain calm and adult-like around her parents, screws her fists into her eyes and bursts into tears. Mrs. Hastings barely stifles an eyeroll, and Melissa snickers.
"None of you get it! None of you care – you just want to be mean for whatever reason. Look, just because Melissa was some kind of prodigy, doesn't mean I have to be. I'm not Melissa!" shouts Spencer, stamping her foot.
"You sure aren't," sniffs Melissa, looking her up and down. "I was never so disgusting. Or babyish."
"Melissa does have a point, Spencer. She tried very hard to avoid these situations," says Mrs. Hastings. "And I know you feel put-upon the majority of the time, but being dramatic doesn't help you move forward out of this stage. And that's healthy – you need to move on."
"I don't want to move on!" Spencer starts charging up the stairs, stamping her feet loudly. "I just want things to be the same as they always were. And you're pushing me too hard. I'm not ready!"
"Oh, shut up," sneers Melissa. "You've been ready probably for a year. You're a Hastings, and we're not behind in anything. You're just lazy."
"I don't know why you're both attacking me," sniffles Spencer. "I don't know why you're being so mean."
"Because being nice does nothing, Spence!" Melissa climbs a few stairs to look her sister better in the eye. "We've coddled you and cuddled you and made sure you felt loved and cared for and I'm STILL dealing with my friends at college making fun of my baby sister who never wants to stop being a baby. You need a wake-up call, and we're sick of it!"
For the first time, Mrs. Hastings steps in. "Melissa. Don't be so harsh."
Spencer doesn't wait to see if Melissa will obey their mother; she simply runs upstairs and grabs her phone out of her backpack. Without even thinking, she scrolls through her contacts until she finds the one she wants – Emily.
"SOS," she texts, tears falling down her cheeks. "Come quick."
/~/
Emily is doing homework on her bed when she hears her phone chirp. Curiously, she rolls over to look at it, expecting Paige or Toby to be texting her, but feeling a faint jolt of surprise when it's Spencer's name that appears on the screen.
Emily's mouth drops open when she sees the text. "SOS. Come quick."
Immediately, she shoves her phone in her pocket and gets up to run downstairs lightly. "Mom, I'm going to Spencer's for a bit," she calls, and her mother nods from the kitchen distractedly.
"Okay. Call if you're going to miss dinner."
In another moment, Emily is at Spencer's back door. No one's there waiting to open it, but Spencer waves from her bedroom window, right above on the next floor, so Emily lets herself in and sneaks up the stairs. Luckily, there's no one in Spencer's living room to see her.
Spencer is standing by her window, her long, thin legs pimpled with goosebumps. She's still dressed in the same wet diaper she'd been wearing when she got home from school, and her face is tearstained. When she sees Emily, she bursts into tears again.
Emily's face creases in sympathy. "Spence. What happened?" She holds out her arms to her friend, and Spencer buries her wet face in Emily's shoulder.
"I had an accident and Mom and Melissa ganged up on me," she sniffles. "I just needed someone who would understand. Not judge. And I guess I needed help to clean up."
Emily holds Spencer off at arm's length and wrinkles her nose. "Okay. You take a shower and I'll get some fresh clothes. Are you sure your mother got rid of all the regular diapers?"
"I don't know. She could have saved some, I guess," shrugs Spencer. "I mean, I'll need them if I get sick or something. She's not going to want to clean up after that."
"No," agrees Emily, trying not to feel awkward at discussing this intimately with her friend. "I'll poke around. I assume everyone's out?"
"My mom is home, but Melissa went out. My mom's on the phone. She won't come upstairs."
Emily nods and Spencer disappears into the bathroom that adjoins hers and Melissa's rooms. Emily hears the water turn on and she sneaks down the hall to the Hasting parents' bedroom, zeroing in on the huge walk-in closet.
She can hear Mrs. Hastings talking on the phone downstairs, and she keeps an ear out as she slowly opens the door and peeks inside. So far, nothing. There are a bunch of clothes, a ton of shoes, and a bunch of bags that could hold anything. Emily isn't sure she wants to poke around in each and every one of Mrs. Hastings' clothes bags, so she quickly backs out of the closet – but not before she sees the white packaging of Spencer's usual diapers behind a bag from Prada. Jackpot.
Stealing a couple of diapers, she hurries back down the hall to Spencer's room and finds the girl sitting on her bed, wrapped in a towel.
"Did you find any?"
"In your mom's closet," says Emily, handing Spencer one of the regular diapers. "I think you'll feel better now."
Spencer looks as if she'd like to ask Emily to help her get dressed, but Emily and Spencer don't have that kind of relationship, and Emily is quite weirded out. She turns her back while Spencer gets dressed in her thicker diaper, a pair of grey sweat pants, and a soft grey long-sleeved T-shirt with hearts on it. Emily then sits behind Spencer and French-braids her hair.
"Feel better?" Emily asks Spencer gently, rubbing her shoulders, and Spencer doesn't react for a moment before starting to cry again, rubbing tired fists into her eyes.
"I really want my bottle," she whimpers, and Emily nods. Spencer's first line of defence for comfort is her bottle, and she hasn't had one all day.
"Well, how about your paci?" asks Emily, picking up Spencer's pacifier from her bedside table. "That might make you feel better."
Spencer shakes her head. "No, it's not the same." She settles back against Emily for a moment, and Emily kisses the top of Spencer's sweet-smelling hair.
"Well, did you drink the one you had in your lunch today?"
Spencer shakes her head. "But it'll be all yucky. It's been in my warm bag all day, not refrigerated." She turns around and then gives Emily a longing look, and Emily sighs.
"Spence. Your mom is right downstairs. She doesn't even know I'm here."
"She won't know! Please, Em? I really need it. I had a hard day." Spencer's voice breaks on the last words, and her lower lip begins to tremble again. Emily rubs Spencer's shoulders again.
"Well, we can sit up here and maybe watch a movie, or I'll read to you. And you can have your paci, and we can snuggle under your blanket. How about that?"
Spencer shakes her head, her chin quivering now. "Please, Emily?"
Emily sighs in exasperation, but she squeezes her friend's shoulder. "You're a real pain, you know that?" But she smiles at Spencer, who manages to wipe her eyes enough to manage to smile back.
This is much trickier than sneaking into Spencer's parents' room. Mrs. Hastings' office door is ajar, and she's talking fairly loudly on the phone, but the fridge is right next to the office, and the door squeaks. Emily moves as softly as she can, but the glass bottle makes a clinking noise on the counter, and she feels like the milk pouring into the bottle is as loud as Niagara Falls.
She doesn't dare to warm it up – instead, she dashes up the stairs, screwing the top of the bottle tightly onto it, and bursts back into Spencer's room, breathing hard.
"Whew. I'm not doing that again, Spence."
Spencer smiles sweetly. "Thank you, Emily." She takes the bottle and begins to suck happily, but her face changes and she takes it out of her mouth, looking affronted.
"It's cold!"
"Of course it's cold! I wasn't going to stand there for two minutes while the microwave warmed it up! Come on, Spencer."
Spencer's lower lip is trembling again, and Emily feels herself start to get exasperated. "I can't warm it up, sweetie. You know that. The microwave is too loud!"
"Can't you warm it up in the bathroom? Just run it under the tap," suggests Spencer in a small voice, and Emily's face changes. That's not that bad of a request.
She wonders why she's giving into Spencer so much as she turns on the hot water tap. As the bathroom starts to steam up, Emily fills Spencer's water tumbler up with hot water and lets the bottle sit in it for a few minutes, thinking.
Maybe it's because she understands how Spencer feels. She's not ready to be pushed into adulthood, but she feels a lot of pressure to do so. Her parents are pushing her way too hard. It reminds Emily of her own parents. The difference was, she was ready to be pushed, and within a few months, was completely past the baby stage Spencer is hanging onto so tightly.
When the bottle is warm to the touch, Emily comes out of the bathroom to find Spencer curled up under her favourite blanket, sucking her thumb. Emily makes a sweet and silly moue with her mouth at Spencer.
"Don't do that. Here. I've got your bottle."
Sitting beside Spencer, she gently pulls Spencer's thumb out of her mouth and hands her the bottle. Spencer smiles around the nipple and begins to suck raptly at it, but after a few sucks, she stops and looks a bit shy.
Emily, who's settled comfortably back against the cushions on Spencer's bed, looks over at her questioningly. "What's wrong?"
"Uh . . ." Spencer just trails off. She twists her warm bottle in her hands, and then Emily knows what she wants. Spencer loves to be cuddled, but she rarely asks for it, being too shy, and having been rebuffed by her parents so many times.
"Come here." Emily smiles and then rearranges herself and some pillows on the bed. Like a fawn, Spencer arranges all of her long limbs to settle comfortably on Emily's lap, under her favourite blanket, her head cradled on Emily's right arm and her body across Emily's crossed legs.
Emily watches Spencer's eyes close as she sucks at her bottle, the vessel slipping from her fingers as she relaxes, and then decides to hold it for her. Almost unbidden, as soon as the bottle is out of her hands, Spencer fastens her fingers around the edge of Emily's cardigan and sighs in contentment, nursing gently at her bottle and snuggling into Emily.
Emily can almost see why Spencer wants to stay in her baby stage. This is so sweet.
They sit like that for a while, Emily reading a book on Spencer's bedside table and Spencer sucking at her bottle with her eyes closed. Just as she finishes her bottle, Spencer's dark eyes open to find Emily's.
"What's up, Spence?" Emily asks, smoothing a tendril of hair from Spencer's forehead.
"Em . . . don't tell any of the other girls about this, okay? They're just not going to understand."
Emily looks surprised. It hadn't occurred to her to tell the other girls anything. But Spencer looks worried, and now her hand on Emily's sweater is clenched. Emily gently covers Spencer's fist with her own.
"Relax, okay? I'm not going to tell anyone anything. It's between us for now." She leans down and brushes Spencer's forehead with her lips, and Spencer turns and snuggles more into Emily.
"Okay."