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Jeongin is fucked up. This shouldn't have happened.
Yeah, no one controls what their heart wants but he should've known better than falling for one of his hyungs. He didn't even know he liked guys! And now, on top of his sexuality crisis, there is the 'falling for your teammate' crisis. But let's go back to the beginning.
Jeongin always admired his hyungs, all of them had taught him valuable lessons for their career and life. They are also really reliable when life gets difficult and needs some support. Because of that he has learned to go to them for anything.
He's struggling with his vocals? He goes to Seungmin or Chan. He wants to write something but he's stuck? Changbin and Han are always willing to help. He's having trouble with his dancing? Felix and Hyunjin are always happy to help; but the one he goes to the most, not because he's playing favorite but because since the beginning has been the one that helps him understand dancing the best, is Minho.
That's how it all started, one night where he was tired but needed to perfect that one move he still couldn't master and was dragging the whole team with him.
He's at the dance room with Minho, who patiently keeps explaining what is he doing wrong
"Again Innie, you almost got it"
Jeongin it's laying on the floor and let's out a frustrated noise
"uuugh at this point you should replace me with Dori, I bet he's better at this"
"Nah, he doesn't have the media training, we can't risk it"
That made both of them laugh. Minho helps him get up and put his hands on his shoulder, shaking him slightly "come on Innie, I know you can do it, just trust your feet"
he's looking at Jeongin with fierce eyes, like he knows what he's talking about, giving him a boost of confidence next to the twist on his stomach that he ignores
"Okay" it's all he says before trying again
It takes him three more tries until he finally gets it, both of them shouting in celebration way louder than they should at the late hour, but they don't care. They go through the choreography a few more times to make sure that Jeongin has the move mastered and when they are satisfied they call it a night to go home to get some rest.
"Well done Innie, I knew you had it on you. No need to train Dori yet" says Minho with a proud smile and a pat on his head that makes Jeongin giggle and feels a slight heat on his cheeks that he just tells himself it's because he's shy with compliments.
After that their life keeps going as normal: dance practice, vocal lessons, outfit fittings, recordings, the usual, but in between of all the chaos, Jeongin finds himself looking at Minho way more often than before, that feeling in his stomach coming back again and getting nervous when they are close. He doesn't get it, it's his Minho Hyung that he has known for 8 years, there's not a reason he should be feeling nervous?
But regardless he finds himself staring more at his hyung, the way he moves when he dance, his stare when he's monitoring the team, the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs, the shape his mouth makes when he talks or sing…
"Jeongin!" A shout and the cushion that is thrown at him startles him after he zoomed out looking at Minho at the recording booth, everyone is looking at him and he's not sure what's going on, he feels his cheeks blush from the embarrassment, luckily no one seems to know what's going on on his brain
"You are next on the recording" says Jisung while Minho is coming out of the booth looking at him with amusement.
The recording goes well after he recovers from his little embarrassment. Since he was the last one on the recording and had nothing else for the day he decided to wait for Chan so they could both head home together.
It takes them about an hour for them to get going. They make they way in silence, Jeongin knows that Chan wants to say something but he knows when it's better not to.
When they get home Chan goes directly to wash up while Jeongin get himself a glass of water. He stays in the kitchen thinking, what are these feelings? Why suddenly he's feeling like this?
But he's not dumb, he knows what these feelings mean, he may have never experienced them so closely but he has seen enough from his friends and dramas.
And all of this scares him, logically he knows there's nothing wrong with them but growing up catholic and going to mass every Sunday, well… And then there's the fact that these feelings are for one of his members, one that's 3 years older than him, both of them are adults but still it feels wrong, somehow.
He doesn't know for how long he zooned out in the kitchen but a hand on his shoulder startles him and when he looks there's Chan with a worried expression on his face "are you okay innie? You've been distracted lately…"
Jeongin knows he could talk to Chan but, not this, this is too dangerous, this could put in danger the team, no one can know. So he tries to give him a reassuring smile and tells him that everything it's okay "I'm just tired" but even to his ears it sounds wrong, but Chan decides to let it go.
He says goodnight before heading to the bathroom to wash himself up but he's panicking, everything it's too much, this shouldn't be happening so he cries, letting the shower drown his sobs.
He finishes and goes to bed, feeling ten times more tired, hoping everything was just a bad dream.
But it wasn't, the next day they keep with the dance practice and as soon as he sees Minho everything comes back, the nervousness, the want to be closer, but also the panic and the want to just leave it all behind so this doesn't blow on his face.
But since he can't just leave he tries the second best thing: distance. And it worked… until it didn't. That's the thing with Stray Kids, they live under each other's skins that a bit of distance is very noticeable.
They always give each other space, especially when they were on stressful schedules but Jeongin noticed Minho's eyes on him, even more now.
When practice ended they started to head out to their own respective schedules for the rest of their day. Jeongin was heading out too when Minho called him
"Jeongin, can we talk" he wasn't looking at him
"I need to go-"
"Did I do something?" Minho didn't let him finish as he turned to look at him, face blank but if you know where to look you could notice the hurt, and Jeongin knew.
"What? No Hyung, of course not" was all Jeongin could say
"Then why were you ignored me all practice? I get it if you are having a bad day, I truly get it, but this? This felt personal…"
Jeongin didn't know what to say, panic was starting to flood, he couldn't lie to his hyung but he couldn't tell him the truth. He just looked down, trying to breathe and calm down but he didn't know what to say
"Jeongin?" Minho got closer and hold Jeongin's face on his hands "baby, what's going on?"
Jeongin just shook his head, he didn't know when he started crying but he could make it stop "I can't…" that's all he could say before a chocked sob set free and the dam broke
"Aigo, it's all right" said Minho while he hugged him. "Whatever it is, we can figure it out, but please talk to me, or to Channie hyung, or any of your other hyungs. It's okay, it doesn't have to be me if you don't want to"
He sounded hurt and Jeongin hated it but he couldn't tell him, he just hugged him tight like he feared he could lose him, because he truly believed he could.
"I won't go anyway Yena"
They stayed like that until Jeongin's tears stopped, then he let go.
"Okay?" Was all Minho said and Jeongin just nodded. Minho nodded back, he still looked sad but let Jeongin go.
The days kept going on, and the feelings kept growing and Jeongin didn't know what to do anymore, the guilt and the fear was eating him from the inside, making him distance himself from the rest.
Jeongin knew he couldn't keep going like that, especially with a comeback so close, so he made up his mind and decided his best choice was to talk to Chan.
That's how, on a weird free day, Jeongin stands outside Chan's bedroom, he really wants to knock but the fear has him frozen.
He stays long enough there that he finds Chan opening his door with a worried look on his face
"Are you okay there Innie?"
Jeongin just looks at him, he's not sure anymore if he can do this but he has too, for the team and for himself.
"Can we talk?" It's all Jeongin replies
Chan just nods and lets him into his room, he sits on the chair by his desk while Jeongin sits on the bed, looking at his hands on his knees. He thought so much about what to say and how to say it but right now his mind is blank.
Chan lets him gather his thoughts, not rushing him.
"I…" it's all jeongin can say before letting a frustrated sigh "I really don't know how to say this"
Chan gets closer and puts one of his hands on top of Jeongin's "it's okay innie, take your time. If you prefer we can talk any other time"
"No, no, I need to talk it now or I never will"
"Okay"
Jeongin takes a breath and, like a band-aid just let's it out "I'm in love with Minho Hyung" he doesn't look up so he sees how Chan hand stills but just as fast, it moves to hold Jeongin's hand tighter; then he feels the tears falling and suddenly the dam is broken and he starts sobbing, in a second Chan has him on his arms and just lets him cry, giving reassuring words, telling that everything was alright.
He doesn't know for how long he cried but as soon as he feels like he cried all he could he asks "is it truly okay?"
Without letting him go Chan asks him back "what? Loving Minho?"
"Yes, but also…" he can make himself finish, but he knows Chan gets it when he says "it is Innie, there's nothing wrong with it. The heart wants what it wants and it will never be wrong to love"
Jeongin hugs him tighter, he didn't know how much he needed to hear that. After a few minutes he lets go, but not getting too far just enough to see Chan's face.
He's looking at him with the love that's always there but there's also worry. Jeongin can imagine why. This is not the most ideal situation but also his feelings come with so many things that none of them need to say out loud to understand.
"I don't know what to do" is the first thing Jeongin says "I don't want to put the group at risk and I don't want him to look at me differently or lose him but I feel like I can hold this any more"
"Yeah, I'm not gonna lie to you Innie, this is probably far from ideal but I will never scold you for having feelings. That said, I don't think Minho will be the type to do any of the things you fear and I know you know it too"
And Jeongin did, logically, but his anxieties are the ones taking over his brain recently.
"I think" Chan continued, "you should talk to him. We all have noticed there's something going on with you but it seems that it is hurting him to see you so distant."
At this Jeongin looks at him alarmed, the last thing he wanted was to hurt anyone "I didn't mean to…" it's all he get to say
"I know Yeni, and I bet he knows it too, but I feel he deserves an explanation. Maybe you don't have to tell him everything if you are not ready, but you should talk to him" Chan holds his hands once again "I would hate for both of you to drift apart for something that is not as bad as you think"
After his talk with Chan, Jeongin feels better. The pressure in his chest has lightened, it is still there, but it's lighter.
The days go by, Jeongin tries to be more present, tries to stop avoiding the rest so they don't worry but he still can't get to Minho. It's still too much
All of this starts to have an impact on his performance and Minho notices. That's why at the end of one tiring practice day, he calls him out
"Innie, you're still struggling with that one movement, if you have time I can help you with it"
He feels like a deer in highlights, he doesn't know if he's ready to spend one on one time with Minho, not yet. He looks around trying to catch any of the other guys and he founds Chan's eyes already on him, understanding so he chimes in "I can stay too, maybe I can help–"
"No" Minho interrupts him before he can finish "I need Jeongin alone, Hyung" he turns around to look at Chan, Jeongin can't see his face but whatever Chan saw was enough to give in.
"Ok, don't overdo yourselves" and with a reassuring smile, Chan leaves the room.
Jeongin just stays there, he doesn't know what will Minho do, he's freaking out but then Minho just goes to the computer and starts the song again
"Come on Yena, let's practice"
And they practice, over and over again, without talking, just Minho giving him pointers on what he's doing wrong. But Jeongin is not in it, he can't handle all the pressure, all the feelings, and after an hour he stops, he can hardly breath, he doesn't know if it's the panic or all the dancing but he can't keep moving
"One more time Innie"
"I can't" barely a whisper, is the only thing Jeongin can say
"What?" Minho gets closer, Jeongin is looking at the floor
"I can't" he repeats and then Minho grabs his face on his hands and make him look at him
"Yes you can"
And Jeongin breaks again, he's tired of hiding, he's tired of being apart from Minho, so he says the first thing that comes to mind
"I love you" he says through tears.
Minho just looks at him, surprise in his eyes but then it is overtaken with something more that Jeongin has no time to think about because, soon enough, he finds himself in Minho's arms, being held in a tight hug and he can't take it anymore, he cries and cries.
It's too much, he never expected to find himself in a situation like this, he doesn't know what to expect but for now he lets himself feel safe in his Hyung's arms while he cries his heart out.
When he lets go Minho doesn't let him go farther, grabbing his face once again
"It's okay baby" it's all he tells him
Jeongin just looks at him, in that moment he realizes that everything will be alright, they will be alright.
He doesn't know who moved first but suddenly their lips met. It was brief but that was the final piece that Jeongin needed to fit, to know that with his hyung by his side he has nothing else to fear.