Work Text:
Two weeks.
They are going to have two weeks together.
For the first time, he’ll know what it feels like to have all the time he wants.
Well, maybe that’s not true.
All the time he wants would be the whole summer. To not have to think about spending anytime apart from Shane before his commitments to the Radiers start again.
But let's not get greedy.
What he wanted from Shane in the before. Before Rose, before Tampa, before Russia. Before Scott.
Before Scott.
What he wanted last fall was for Shane not run away from his lazy touch.
Shane had always loved his hungry touch; he knew he would come back for more heat. For more sex. More, more, more of Ilya’s body. More of what Ilya could do to Shane’s body.
But in the after of it all. After the sex, after need was filled, after they were both spent and satisfied. Ilya needed something more. And for a moment, Shane had given it to him.
That lazy touch, just being together. The heat of bodies sharing the same space. Ilya had wanted that whenever they were together. He always wanted more Shane. That terrified him.
And then Shane ran away.
He ran away and got a very public girlfriend. A very beautiful, very public girlfriend. She could go to his games, she could kiss him whenever she wanted, she could hold his hand. She had Shane’s lazy touch.
Then. That night at the club.
It nearly destroyed him.
It probably didn’t help that Ilya had found the first woman he could become friendly with. He wanted to hurt Shane. He wanted Shane to hurt like he hurt. Was hurting. Deeply. Irrevocably changed. As if his very being had been slashed down his center, slashed to the bone, unable to be put back together whole.
Ilya went home alone that night. He didn’t want anyone else. He wanted Shane. He wanted Shane. That terrified him.
And then Tampa.
At a fucking hotel bar in Tampa fucking Bay, Ilya had forgiven him, had forgiven Shane.
It wasn’t like Ilya couldn’t hold a grudge. It wasn’t like he couldn’t hold the knots tied by wrongdoings deep in his heart.
He would never forgive his father for treating him the way he did.
He would never forgive his brother for taking advantage of him.
And, in some sick, twisted way, he would never forgive his mother for leaving him alone. At least he understood his mother. He understood her more than he wanted to admit.
But Shane, he would always forgive Shane. There was nothing that Shane could do, nothing that he wouldn’t forgive him for. That terrified him.
But they couldn’t keep dancing around. They couldn’t continue the way they were; they had to figure it out. That's what these two weeks were for.
If Shane only ever wanted what they had right now. Hookups through the year, two weeks in the summer. If that's all Shane was willing to give him, he’d gladly take it. That terrified him.
If he were only ever able to give a fraction of his heart to Shane, if that's all that the other man would accept. Then Shane could have it. Have exactly how much of it he wanted. Because the whole of Ilya’s heart, the whole of Ilya’s being belonged to Shane. It always would. Ilya was just keeping it warm for him. That terrified him.
But what if Shane wanted him back? Wanted the whole of him, the whole of his heart. What if Shane wanted to give him everything? What if Shane wanted to take everything he offered? What if he were allowed to touch, allowed to linger? What if he could be known, fully known by Shane? What if he could let Shane see his cracks, his faults, his bandaged soul? What if, after all that, Shane still wanted him back?
What then?
Because this wasn’t forever. This was two weeks. They couldn’t stay in a bubble in eastern Quebec for the rest of their lives.
No.
He would have to go back. Go back to Boston. Go back to being alone. Except he would know what he could have. He would know that someone loved him.
But he would still be alone.
That terrified him.
Ilya boarded the plane. He would always run towards Shane. Even if it felt the same as running into a knife.
That terrified him.