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Imagine you are working in a hospital. You need to rush around doing hospital things, but while you do your job you notice the floor (recently redone) is sticky. You say fine and make sure you don’t stand in one place for too long. Then the lights malfunction and they’re a bit too bright, shining in your eyes in a way that hurts and makes you unfocused. You say fine and use smaller lights when you can, and just tough it out when you can’t. Then the coat you always wear is gone, so you have to use one too-big, one that has itchy bits in all the wrong places. You say fine and deal with the itchiness and joke with your patients on how ridiculous you look. Then burning acid gets poured on you and also it’s flammable by the way and someone who you’ve told the no arson rule several times has a match and because they are clumsy they accidentally dropped it on you and you die a horrible fiery death.
So that was about how Will Solace was feeling. And he knew why, he logically knew exactly what was happening. He knew he had autism, he knew this was a meltdown, and he knew it was due to him overworking himself. He saw this coming from a mile away, this was regular, in a way. Do everything he needs to in a way that’s more efficient than his siblings or even most of the people at camp, then have a complete and utter meltdown. It was fine, this happened often, the price of perfection or whatever.
It was fine.
What wasn’t fine was the way his siblings reacted. Which to be fair they reacted exactly the way any caring sibling would, with concern. But that was bad for two reasons; the ways they often showed comfort was physical affection, which Will would love on any normal day, but during a meltdown that’s a nightmare, then there was the fact that he really didn’t want anyone to worry for him. It made him uncomfortable on a good day, but the idea of many eyes scrutinizing him, even if just to see what was wrong and how to help, made him feel physically nauseous. Not to mention his younger siblings weren’t… the best with boundaries. So if they kept trying to hug him even when he begged him to stop, he might scream or do something worse.
So his cabin was a no-go.
He obviously couldn’t go to the infirmary, that’s what tipped him off in the first place (although he reasonably felt this coming for a few days). Even if he could find a quiet closet to lock himself in, his siblings would obviously need to use that room eventually. Even if they don’t, just the idea that they could sneak up on him at any moment would give him too much anxiety to actually calm down.
The forest was also a no-go for a very similar reason, the idea that any random camper could sneak up on him was worse.
That left him with only one option.
Will knocked on the door.
“It’s open! Unless you’re Percy! If so, get lost.” Nico yelled from inside.
“Hi.” Will said breathlessly.
“Hey, are you okay?” Nico was mid putting on his ‘I’m okay with getting these immeasurably dirty’ shoes. He was going out, probably to hang out with Percy and them if the previous comment was any indicator. Annabeth and Piper often invited him to basically anything they were doing, especially if they knew Will was busy at that time.
“Fine. You’re going out?” Will handed Nico his bag, helping him get ready.
“Yeah? But I can cancel if you need–” Nico tried to hold Will’s hand, but the thought of that actually made Will want to bite Nico or himself, both pretty bad options. Will tactfully dodged by grabbing Nico’s other shoe and handing it to him.
“Nope. I’m fine. I’ll tell you after I promise.” Which was a lie. Well… he might, but forcing himself into doing anything was never a good idea during or after a meltdown, so his promise was loose at best, a flat out lie at worst. He might have a little panic attack because of that, as a treat. If he compounds his problems in the tiniest time-slot possible, it barely affects him. It’s a painfully efficient system.
“Okay…” Nico quickly put his shoes on, noticing the urgency in Will’s tone and actions. Will basically pushed Nico (without touching him, that would feel like a thousand saline needles inserted incorrectly) out of his own cabin, giving a quick ‘love you, goodbye’ before closing the door.
Will then went to the closet, as it gave much better insulation from outside sounds than just being in the cabin alone. Unfortunately (and Will’s pretty sure he’s the only Apollo kid to ever say this) the acoustics were quite good due to the limited clothes within. Not to mention everything in this cabin oddly seemed to be streamlined for good music.
Not very good when you hate the sound of noise but also can’t keep yourself from whimpering.
Gods that sounded weird.
Will slammed himself against the floor, carefully choosing to scratch the most well protected part of his body (his upper thighs) like his life depended on it. He gently yanked and jerked his clothes away from his body, being the only thing he could do this to without causing Nico’s things or himself harm.
Eventually his hands found their way to his hair, not pulling and not scratching, but miming the motions. He started kicking at the floor, the carpet allowing for little grip even from the rubber soles of his shoes.
Will never understood why people said that sparkling water tasted like tv static. To him, tv static was more like if you mixed every single energy drink in the world, and then super saturated the carbonation and also took out some of the water. Which is to say his mind was kinda like that. Every single thought he could have was overshadowed by the thought mass that consumed and churned like an upset stomach. Meaning less words flowed out of his mouth, a lot of ‘stop please’ and ‘make it go away’ and other concerning words to hear from your big brother who locked himself in a closet.
Or your boyfriend who’s doing the same. But Nico was out with his friends, probably concerned but biding by Will’s wishes. Worst came to worse he could just ask Nico to leave, as his wonderful and amazing boyfriend was much better at boundaries than a 7 year old adhd kid. At least, Will tried to tell himself that in order to keep that from his mind.
He never understood why people said that words ‘lifted off the page’ when you have dyslexia. This turn of phrase made him think he didn’t have dyslexia when he was younger, even when his mother got him tested early, knowing his ancestry. Because that would be really fucking weird, and he certainly didn’t have reading induced hallucinations.
He… forgot why that fact was relevant, but he swore it was.
Oh yeah! Right! The way his dyslexia worked was either his eyes just physically didn’t focus on the words in front of him, or whenever he would read something he’d have to do the thing where you read it, realize you took none of that in, then reread it. Which was kinda how he felt whenever he had a meltdown, just to literally everything. Either his brain physically blocked the signals from his ears or eyes or body or tongue (although he doesn’t exactly know about that last one since he’s never eaten anything while mid freak-out) or nose. Dissolving the electricity where it lay, or it would skim the information and toss it out. In one ear out the other. In one nostril out the other. In one eye out the other. In… there’s not really a good one for touch is there? In one hand out the other. No but that didn’t work since hands weren’t the only part that could touch, despite them being the primary way to symbolize that sense. And taste really didn’t work since you only have one tongue. There were also other senses, he didn’t think his sense of balance was that off, he could walk perfectly fine, even without thinking about it. His sense of time certainly was effected, the part of the brain responsible currently busy with freaking the fuck out.
That was a really long rant.
Weird.
But anyway, he had calmed down significantly at this point. Going from thrashing around and willing to scream at anyone who came near him to sitting quietly and willing to spontaneously learn shadow travel to run away from anyone. It was progress.
Will took a few deep breaths, lightly rubbing his arms and messing with his hair. He felt quite tired at this point, but as soon as the idea of leaving his enclosed space entered his mind, it lit his nervous system up like his mom’s house around Christmas. He elected to stay in the closet, thinking about random useless information until he felt safe enough to leave.
He didn’t often feel very dyslexic or ADHD. Will was the one who often read english text for his siblings, who actually translated several plays so his cabin members could have an easier time performing them. He was the reliable one that made sure work got done, who the others could lean on during spouts of executive dysfunction. Like most Godly things, Will got the lightest possible sprinkling of traits in order for him to be considered a half-blood. It usually worked out for him though. Disabilities are still disabilities, and being able to help those in need out because he was able to do the hard work they couldn’t was amazing.
When he was younger it made him feel bad, like he wasn’t ‘disabled enough’ to fit in with the other half-bloods and not normal enough to fit in with mortals. Eventually he realized that it didn’t really matter, that while they didn’t share in certain struggles, things that he was equally good or bad at helped to mend that gap. Not to mention the immense trauma, never forget the immense trauma.
He didn’t know exactly why it was that he seemed less affected by his ADHD and dyslexia. It could be due to how young he was when he was brought to camp. Could be related to his very un-Apollo-like qualities. Or it could be simple genetics (which is not a sentence often said when in relation to half-bloods). But it didn’t bother him too much anymore.
The thing that did affect him, and often, was the thing he shared with the least number of half-bloods, being his autism. Often autism and ADHD come hand and hand (like how, even in mortals, ADHD and dyslexia are commonly linked) which meant that a not insignificant amount of demi-gods were autistic. Unfortunately it was just Will’s luck that most of the autistic demi-gods were at Camp Jupiter, which made sense all things considered, but still sucked for him. The ones at Camp Half-Blood were mostly in Athena’s cabin, which also made sense all things considered, but was quite annoying for Will.
He never actually told any of his siblings he was autistic, since he kinda forgot about it half the time (thank you ADHD). Will always made plans to, but they felt flat due to one thing or another. Actually, Nico might be the first person he’s told (or– is going to tell) outside of… no Nico would be the first. Since his mother took one look at her son acting strange (or ‘like a fae’ as his childhood elderly neighbor put it) and took him to a friend of hers from her residency. He couldn’t actually diagnose Will (due to a conflict of interests since Will’s mother knew him beforehand), but he let them both know that Will was almost certainly autistic. Will always assumed Chiron knew, but looking back no one had specifically told him. He could be naturally good at picking those kinds of things out, but something in Will doubted that.
So Nico would probably be the first person in camp to know Will was autistic…
Will expected the tug in his stomach that forced him to abandon such an unknowingly important plan, but it never came.
Will sighed in relief, glad his little tantrum was over, and opened the door.
“What the fuck?” Was the first thing Nico said when Will walked out of the closet.
“What? Did you somehow not realize I was gay?” Will smirked, the smile becoming even more genuine with Nico’s incredulous reaction.
“Oh my god you are an idiot. Idiota. What the fuck are you doing in my closet?” Nico demanded with no real heat behind his words. More confusion, which made sense all things considered.
“I mean I was here when you left. You never saw me leave your cabin.” Will said casually, hopping on the bed Nico claimed for his own.
“That’s not– I knew you were in here– or I did when I came back– I just didn’t realize you were in the closet. Why were you in the closet?” Nico asked, sitting down next to his boyfriend. The sudden closeness was too much for the moment, so Will inched back a little.
“Well– and this is really not as bad as I’m going to explain it, it’s just the best way I know how to– I had what was kinda like a PTSD episode.” At Will’s words Nico blinked several times, taking a breath before saying anything else.
“You are correct, that’s probably the worst way you can explain it, so please tell me more.” It was obvious Nico was trying to keep calm despite his worry.
“I actually also have autism. Which means that my brain doesn’t know when to stop taking in information. I can typically pick up on things that most people can’t, but that also means I get overwhelmed quickly. I got overwhelmed by– just– the most difficult thing about meltdowns– the thing I had– is that they aren’t caused by one thing. It’s just a build up of several smaller things. The thing that really tipped me off was the awful day at the infirmary, but there were several indications that something was coming before that.” Indications. Who uses indications in their everyday speech? Unfortunately Will, specifically when he’s explaining things that he really likes.
“Okay… that still doesn’t explain how your best connection was a PTSD episode…” Nico inched closer, making Will take another inch back, which Nico noticed.
“Since I have all this stimuli–” again, who uses stimuli in an everyday conversation– “my brain thinks that it’s in a fight or flight situation. Like I told you about PTSD episodes–” he doesn’t need to reexplain this, Nico had already heard this part a hundred times– “they come from your brain putting you back in the traumatizing situation, triggering your fight or flight response. When I have a meltdown, I also get a fight or flight response, but instead of it being a single thing that’s not there, it's basically everything around me.” That’s probably the worst way to explain it to make Nico not worry. Which means he’ll certainly try and comfort Will, which the idea of it feels painful right now, and then tell Kayla and Austin who will also try and comfort Will but in all the wrong ways and–
“But… you’re okay now?” Nico asked, eyes full of concern and a little suspicion.
“Yes–” Liar– “Well– I mean–” Pause. Take a breath. Say what you need. “Not really. I thought I was doing fine when I left the closet, but…” Nico nodded.
“What’s the best way I can help you?” He said in a neutral tone, a slight lowering of pitch at the end.
“Uhm. Not touching me. At least right now. And– I’ll probably get flustered with my words easier so… keep that in mind… Don’t tell my siblings, I love them but–”
“No, I would never tell someone something unless you were comfortable with it.” As soon as Nico said that, a million edge-cases ran through Will’s head, but he shook them off. He trusted Nico. He trusted Nico not just to keep any secrets for him, but to responsibly use said secrets in order to protect Will. He trusted Nico.
“Thank you.” Will let out a sigh of relief, now he was really feeling things, namely tiredness.
“Of course,” Nico went for a casual nudge before thinking better of it, making Will feel a lot better about everything, “but how often does this happen? You're free to use my cabin whenever you want.”
“It usually happens like… twice a week–”
“Twice a week? Will!” Nico said a bit louder than his speaking voice, trying his best not to yell it too loud. Will winced.
“Listen, it used to be worse–” Will tried, before being interrupted by Nico again.
“It used to be– Okay. Think about it this way, remember when I was having PTSD episodes twice a week?”
“They aren’t exactly like PTSD episodes–” Will tried
“Honestly they sound worse.”
“I mean… I’m sure my meltdowns aren’t as bad as your–” Again Will got cut off by Nico.
“No. We aren’t playing this whole ‘your trauma is worse than mine’ game. That's not fair. When you have PTSD episodes, which I know for a fact you do, is it worse or better than your meltdowns?” Nico asked, gesturing wildly with his hands.
“I mean… I find meltdowns to be worse–” Will mumbled.
“Okay, so they suck ass. So when I had them twice a week you freaked out. So obviously having meltdowns twice a week is worse.” Will hated how logical Nico sounded. When he put it like that it did sound bad but–
“It’s either this or I can’t do all I need to. My siblings need someone that can pick up the slack when they can’t. Plus at this rate it doesn’t matter anyway. I’m so burnt out I'm running on bought time anyway.” Nico nearly gasped at Will’s words.
“You sound like me when I wanted to kill myself. That was the exact excuse I used when shadow traveling the Athena Parthenos.” That made Will pause. Obviously he knew what he was doing wasn’t the healthiest, but…
“Okay…” Will said, much to Nico’s surprise.
“Okay?”
“Okay. I… I don’t want to worry you or my siblings.” Will realized he was scratching and started messing with a pocket on his cargo shorts instead.
“Of course you only stop so you don’t worry us.” Nico said as he flopped down on his bed. Will flopped down next to him.
“Blah,” Will said, because he wanted to say something but no actual words came to him.
“Blah,” Nico echoed.
“Booff.”
“Booff.”
“Guguh,” Will tried.
“What the fuck are you doing with your throat.” Will could feel Nico turn his head to him.
“Fluguh,” Will responded instead. Nico went back to staring at the ceiling.
“Golgf,” Nico replied.
“Huag.”
“Blahj.”
“Blahaj.”
“Isn’t that the name of those ikea sharks?” Nico asked.
“Yeah, their name is just really fun to say.” Will turned his head to Nico and Nico did the same.
“Blahaj,” Nico tested it out, “You’re right. That’s fun to say.”
They sat in silence for a while, just staring at each other. Nico’s eyes were mostly black, but they got lighter, almost a hazel, around the rims. Most people when they had fluctuations in the colors of their eyes had the odd color in the center, circling the pupil, so Will found it a bit odd when he noticed that fact about Nico. Whenever Nico looked in a new direction suddenly he blinked, as if covering his retreat with his eyelids. Will tried comparing this with his siblings– wanting to figure out if this was just something people did that Will failed to notice– and while they did sometimes, it wasn’t at the rate Nico did it.
Nico looked around Will’s face a few times, noticing a different oddity in each corner. Will loved how methodically Nico looked at him, trying to commit his face to memory as quickly as possible. You’d think the Iris cabin teamed up with the Aphrodite cabin to make an art competition to see who could paint their partner's face the most accurately and it was set in fifteen minutes. Or something. But Nico didn’t seem like he was in any rush, the rest of his body leaden like that song Angela, one of his younger sisters, once sung for her school’s choir.
A few times Nico would look up at the ceiling or pillow (only with his eyes), showing off the bulge that was his iris. It looked like a drop of a clear liquid with extremely high surface tension was placed on his eye, magnifying what was beneath. Will would admit he was a bit rusty with his anatomical knowledge of the eye, since he didn’t often have to deal with prescription eye care at camp. If he did it was just keeping doctor prescribed glasses in the office to make sure the kids still had a pair after one break. Once, the light caught just so where Will saw the boundary between the iris and the pupil, sunlight dancing on that edge making a fuzzy line. Nico’s pupils were wide on account of how close they were (Will realized he’d slowly been inching closer to get a better look), which made him look much younger.
Eventually they engaged in a staring contest. Will realized this when, after blinking, Nico smirked slightly, then resumed unblinkingly. The rules were a bit fuzzy, you were allowed to blink when the other person did, but it was more points if you kept going. The current score was 3 to 6 (Will was the 3) and 5 to 8 if they were saying not blinking when they other did was two points. Nico did a thing that Will was pretty sure was called ghost blinking (a bit on the nose if you asked him) where he would kinda half blink, which made him pretty good at staring contests. Will used to be freakishly good at them (and he still technically is, compared to everyone else around him) to the point he worried his siblings. When he was really young he would just stare silently and unblinking, his siblings would make jokes that he was a skinwalker.
Will interrupted a particularly long round by kissing Nico, getting kinda bored after however long that was.
“You should probably get some sleep, you look extremely tired,” Nico said, adjusting himself so his arm was under his head.
“Yeah probably… do you know if my siblings…?” Will asked, nearly holding his breath at the answer. He really didn’t want to deal with all of his siblings swarming him like Aristaeus’s bees.
“I actually got back to my cabin a little before you got out of the closet. When I didn’t see you I assumed you went back to the infirmary or something. When I asked Kayla she said that you were ‘somewhere around there.’ But I couldn’t find you so I just went back to my cabin. They might’ve noticed you were gone, but after the little… stunt Leo pulled I’d doubt any of the other ones were able to.” That was good. He could handle his youngest siblings, they would beg for hugs and whatever but that was all fine. The older ones would fret around him, noting how extremely un-Will-like it was for him to leave in the middle of a major medical emergency.
“Damn… I didn’t hear you at all… You came in twice?”
“Actually three times. I forgot my jacket when I left to find you.”
“It’s mid summer.”
“Which is exactly why I need my jacket.”
“Touche,” Will said, flopping on his back. He mentally counted to three before forcing himself to sit up. Nico went to sit up aswell but Will stopped him, “It’s fine, you seem tired too. It’s–” looking out the window it seemed just before dinner, which during the summer Will and Nico often skipped anyway and just had a second lunch together in the infirmary, which they had to skip because of the Leo mess– “actually, it might be better if we went to dinner.”
“Yeah probably, do you wanna sit at my table or yours?” Nico sat up, hair slightly messy despite how little he laid down for.
“Uh… mine. I should probably make sure my siblings aren’t dying or plotting murder.” Will stretched, savoring the moments he got to not deal with the shit-show in the making.
“Will.” Nico gave a little glare at the blonde, not so gentle reminding him to take better care of himself.
“Okay to be fair I just bailed on them for like… two hours when we have a major infirmary situation. I need to check up on them. And I personally would like to see Leo live to see the end of summer, at least.” Nico huffed at Will’s words, but nodded.
“Honestly, him dying wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. He already did that once basically,” Nico said, but stood up, giving Will a hand which the other graciously took.
“Shall we?” Will tried putting on his best Will Solace impression, the look on Nico’s face indicated that he didn’t exactly get it right, but it’d be fine.
“Where were you?” Kayla eyed Will suspiciously. And so it begins.
Will opened his mouth to say something, but Nico beat him to it, “The idiot wasn’t properly taking care of himself. Don’t worry, he’s better now. Or at least better-ish. We’ll talk later.”
Will Solace loved his boyfriend’s ability to shut down conversations before they happened.
Kayla nodded at this, accepting that Nico actually had Will’s best interest at heart, and graciously moved the conversation to something else. She started with updating Will on the infirmary’s status, stating that everyone's injuries looked much worse than they were. Kayla had threatened them with Will coming down to be ‘vaguely disappointed in them’ which did the trick to making sure everyone settled down.
Eventually they moved on to more random conversation topics, about Kayla’s archery, Nico’s ‘surprisingly okay’ time with his friends, then to Austin’s music once he joined the table. Eventually all the Apollo kids filtered to the table, only two staying at the infirmary for security. Once it came time for campfire activities Nico excused the both of them, citing the fact Will almost fell asleep when Austin was talking about music theory (Will desperately loved Austin, but he’s heard the same explanation ten times and it never got any more exciting). Despite Will’s protests Nico walked him to his cabin, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before saying a quiet goodbye.
Will all but collapsed on his bed, knocking out very quickly after.
The only thing that could wake Will up was a stampede of elephants. Good thing the Apollo cabin often acted like they were just that, with their loud singing or instruments or what have you.
Will gave them tired hellos, many of the younger ones taking the chance to hug him and ask if he was alright. It was surprisingly more manageable than Will though it’d be, especially with a good nap under his belt.
“So.” Kayla sat on one side of Will’s bed, letting Austin and Hannah get the younger ones ready for bed. Will guessed those two were under a ‘trial by fire’ having neither of their help, but the way Austin looked back at the two of them made Will think this was premeditated.
“I’m fine. Really.” Will fiddled with his blankets, one being a soft sky-blue blanket and the other being a lighter almost hospital-sheet blanket.
“You understand that you saying that makes me believe you less, right?” Kayla looked directly at him, making Will turn his eye line to Hannah trying and failing to force Lilliana to brush her teeth.
“I’m– really I wasn’t a big deal.”
“Anything that would drag you from medic stuff is a big deal Will. I’m pretty sure if you were bleeding to death you’d still try and help a kid who tripped and fell.” Kayla gently put a hand on Will’s.
“I’m– really I’m okay.” Will pulled his hand away, absentmindedly scratching his other arm in replacement.
“Will! Obviously you’re not! We care about you, so please talk to us!” Kayla’s words seemed to stick themselves into Will’s throat, trapping any of his own words as they tried to form.
“Kayla I just need to go to sleep. Can I please just go to sleep?” Will said it more hurriedly than he intended, curling his legs up beneath the covers.
“Not until you tell me what’s going on. I need to know how to help you.” Kayla went to grab Will’s hand again, making all his muscles feel like shots had just been administered to them. Who casually thinks the word administered?
“Kayla–” Words couldn’t come out of his mouth, instead Will just grabbed her wrist, praying that he’d be able to explain himself soon.
“No! I won’t let you hurt yourself just–” She started.
“Kayla,” Will said firmly, interrupting whatever she was going to say. Will took a few deep breaths before continuing, “I can tell you later, with– with Nico or something… I just– I keep getting flustered whenever I try to tell you and– I just can’t– I just can’t. Please just trust me on this. Please.”
Kayla looked at Will for a few moments, then at the rest of their cabin having an absolute disaster of bed-time. When she turned back to look at him she nodded, looking at Will’s arm pityingly.
Will realized he’d scratched it red and tried to smooth out the redness as best he could, “I just need to sleep. I’ll be okay. Nico knows everything I– yeah. Nico’s helping me. I promise.”
“Okay. I love you. Goodnight,” Kayla said softly, a small smile spreading on her face.
“I love you, goodnight.” Will laid back down, trying to get his breathing together enough that he could sleep peacefully.
All things considered, that went alright. It was alright. He’d be okay. And he wasn’t just saying that. He had an actual plan now, and actual support system. There would be some bumps in the road, but he’d get through it.
For the first time in a long time, he actually believed himself when he said this.
And as he thought about Nico and the days to come, he drifted off into a pretty okay sleep.