Chapter Text
“CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!”
The chant echoed through the kitchen in three voices perfectly synchronized—fists pumping the air with every beat like some feral, reptilian pep rally.
And at the center of it all stood: Raphael. Big, red, and grinning like this was the proudest moment of his life. He tipped a jumbo glass jar of nothing but pickle juice back and fully committed, thick streams of cloudy green liquid glugging down his throat as the label peeled slightly under the grip of his fingers. The scent of vinegar and garlic filled the air—sharp enough to sting the sinuses. The brothers watched in a mix of awe and horror as the liquid level dropped… and dropped… and dropped. When the jar was finally empty, Raph slammed it down on the counter with a crack that rattled the cabinets.
Then he burped.
And the kitchen exploded.
“Oh—oh that is not right—that is just—” Donatello gagged mid-sentence, clapping a hand over his mouth as his face went faintly paler. “Oh, that’s awful. Why.. Why did you do that..”
Mikey had collapsed onto the counter, howling and rolling with laughter, pounding his fists like a crazied monkey. “THE WHOLE JAR! He downed the WHOLE JAR!”
Leonardo, meanwhile, was hunched over the counter in total, soul-crushing defeat. One hand braced himself against the surface like he’d just lost a war. “I… I can’t believe it,” he muttered. “How is this possible… It’s never been done…” Raph simply wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, utterly unbothered, and held his other hand out expectantly with wiggling fingers. “Cough it up.”
“Tsk.” Leo straightened with exaggerated annoyance, reaching into his hoodie pocket. “Whatever. Worth it.” He placed a crisp five-dollar bill into Raph’s waiting palm. “You’re absolutely gonna be regretting that later.”
Raph victoriously clenched the bill in his grip, grinning wide. “You think a little pickle juice is enough t—”
He burped again...But his one was dangerously moist. In a panicked response, his lips snapped shut as he lifted his bawled up hand to his mouth like that alone would push back the nausea.
“Nope. Nope nope nope nope.” Donnie practically teleported to the opposite side of the kitchen in the blink of an eye, pointing sharply toward the tunnel exit. “Do NOT do that here. Not in the holy place where coffee is made. Go do it in Nardo’s room.”
Leo whipped around and slammed his palms on the counter. “Hey!”
Raph perked up immediately. “Quit being dramatic, Don. Raph's fine."
Mikey, still giggling, picked up the empty jar and squinted at the label. “Dude… you just consumed so much salt and vinegar. That’s actually insane.”
“And garlic,” Donnie added, unhelpfully.
Leo shuddered as he opened the fridge. “I bet that tasted awful. What else can I dare you t—”
Bum bum bum bum bum ba dum bum.
Donnie pulled his phone from his shell, eyebrow lifting as he read the caller ID. “Well. That’s… interesting. And completely unexpected.” The others immediately crowded in.
“'It's Baron Draxum." Donnie's finger hovered over the answer button but didn't press it immediately.
Silence.
“…Wait.” Mikey blinked. “Draxum? The Baron Draxum is calling us?”
“Correction,” Donnie said, finally answering the call. “He’s calling me, ahem, you’re conversing with Donatello.”
All four turtles huddled around as the screen flickered to life—currently displaying nothing but Baron Draxum’s chin.
Leo smirked in amusement
Raph rolled his eyes.
The camera shifted abruptly, and Draxum’s face filled the screen—no smug flourish, no dramatic flair. His expression was sharp, tightly wound, eyes blazing with barely restrained fury.
“You owe me.”
Raph snorted. “Oh, we’re startin’ like that?”
“You owe me,” Draxum repeated, ignoring him entirely. “For your creation. For my continued—regrettably generous—assistance in matters of mystic consequence. And you will repay that debt now.”
Leo slid closer, draping a casual arm over Donnie’s shoulder as he leaned into frame. Donnie immediately scowled and tried to shake him off.
Leo smirked anyway. “What’s goin’ on, goat man?”
“My apartment is being robbed,” Draxum snapped. “A snake yokai. He is attempting to steal a mystic artifact. You will intercept him, and you will ensure he does not escape with it.”
Mikey blinked. “…Wait. Your apartment?”
Raph frowned. “Why aren’t you stopping him? It’s your place.”
There was a pause that was just long enough to be suspicious. Then, in a tone that sounded disturbingly like a grumpy child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Draxum muttered, “Because I have currently been detained.”
Mikey’s eye twitched. “You—WHAT?!”
He snatched the phone straight out of Donnie’s hands. “I TOLD you to stop using magic at the school, Draxum! I knew this would happen! You drew too much attention to yourself! After all the work I put into helping you stay under the radar—this is how you repay me?!”
“MY PHONE!” Donnie yelped.
Draxum groaned, ears flattening back as he looked away from the screen, visibly stewing at the fact that he was being scolded by a thirteen-year-old. “The snake keyed the Mystic City Police to my location,” he growled. “This is not the result of my own actions. I was intercepted before I could return home.”
Leo’s brows shot up. “Wow, so you’re tellin’ me you actually got arrested.”
“I am telling you,” Draxum snapped, “that I am presently in the back of a magically reinforced transport vehicle designed to contain entities like me.”
“Oof,” Mikey winced.
“My mystic energy is being actively suppressed by the vehicle’s barrier,” Draxum continued, voice tight with restrained rage. “No portals. No spellcasting. No escape without causing an incident that would end with half the precinct in ruins—and that would complicate matters further.”
Raph crossed his arms. “So you’re benched.”
“I am temporarily contained,” Draxum corrected icily. “And while they transport me, the snake is exploiting my absence.”
Donnie reclaimed his phone, earning a pouty tongue from Mikey. “The artifact,” he said. “What does it do?”
“It amplifies mystic signatures by drawing energy from living sources around it,” Draxum replied. “If he bonds with it, you will not be dealing with a simple thief. You will be dealing with a city-level threat.”
Raph didn’t hesitate. “Alright. That's good enough reason for me. We’ll handle it.”
“…And turtles,” Draxum added, voice low and dangerous, “do not break my stuff.”
The call cut...
Raph cracked his neck. “Well. Guess we’re doin’ a favor for the goat.”
Mikey beamed and hopped onto Raph’s back, patting at it in excitement. “Let’s kick that snake’s butt! Nobody messes with our goat dad’s stuff!”
Leo aggressively rolled his eyes as he drew his swords, spinning them until a familiar glowing portal snapped open. “Sure, sure—but if I break something, it was totally one hundred percent on accident.”
“Leo!” Mikey growled.
“What?” Leo threw his hands up defensively. “The guy threw me off a roof!”
“Would you let go of that already?!”
———————
The portal snapped shut behind them—and they were free falling—wind ripping past their shells, the city yawning wide beneath them. Draxum’s apartment rushed up fast.
“Uh—Leo!!—“ Raph’s arms pinwheeled hard as he desperately tried to keep himself from spinning in the air.
"WOOOO!" Mikey yelled out. Donnie just texted during this freetime free fall. Leo, upside down and completely unbothered, grinned, before rotating 180 degrees to look down at the city currently being blocked by the sight of his falling brothers. He twisted his wrist and slashed again causing yet another portal to tear open beneath them mid-plummet.
Leo clearly didn’t plan on entering politely. They shot out of the exit portal like a missile, straight through Draxum’s living room window in a hurricane of glass and turtle shells.
The window didn’t shatter—it detonated.
Glass sprayed inward in a brilliant arc as Raph took point, shoulder tucked, shell angled to absorb the debris. Mikey flipped over him midair, already laughing, already spinning his kusari-fundó. Donnie drifted cleanly ontop the propeller that shaped itself at the end of his Tech Bo like a rocketed hoverboard.. Leo hit the ground last—Shell first—rolling through the crash and coming up with his sword already moving infront of him in a defensive stance.
The apartment was absolute chaos. Furniture was overturned, bookshelves were split open, wallpaper had been ripped up as if they themselves were an insult to the raiding Yokai. The Snake had been hunched over holding an amulet when the boys jump scared him.
Silver-scaled and tall, his body coiled unnaturally upright, hood flared with etched runes glowing sickly green. Attached to his ‘chest’ were two mechanical prosthetic arms that clicked when they moved. His eyes snapped to the boys the instant they entered, vertical pupils narrowing.
“Turtles…? His allies?” he hissed. “Too late…”
He raised one slim, metallic clawed hand and space began to warp around him in the shape of a portal appearing.
“Nope,” Leo said brightly with a pop to the ‘P’ before slashing his sword in protest. A portal bloomed directly infront of the snake’s head and snapped shut the second it formed, clipping into the teleport magic mid-cast. The backlash rippled through the room like a thunderclap.
Leo, was already on the snake before the backlash energy could even fizzle out. He had been mid swing when the Yokai ducked down and lashed his lower half like a whip into Leo’s chest. It sent him flying into Donnie who had been actively propelling toward them to help. Both boys rolled and spun over each other until they both hit a wall, groaning in unison.
Mikey was moving now. “HWuAaH!” He called out in his goofy battle cry before jumping up and whipping his chains at the snake. The snake dug his long, clawed fingers into the floorboards and jerked sideways. Mikey’s chains slammed down where he’d been a second earlier, exploding wood into crackling splinters. Without missing a beat, the yokai wrapped around the chains and surged forward, body uncoiling in a silver blur, terrifyingly long fangs stretching wide..
Mikey froze.
Raph didn’t. He stepped in front of his little brother and took the hit.
The snake’s jaws snapped shut around Raph’s forearm with a wet, sickening crunch—fangs sinking deep, venom pumping fast and hot.
Raph didn’t even grunt.
He snarled.
“You hungry..?” He lifted the snake up further off the ground, a furious glint in his eyes “Eat this!!!”
With a roar, Raph slammed the Yokai still attached to his arm headfirst into the floor, the floorboard spiderwebbing beneath the impact before bursting open onto the next thankfully vacant floor.. The venom-slick fangs tore free as Raph followed through during their descent, grabbing the snake by the scales at his neck. He spun, momentum carrying them both down, and drove the yokai into the next floor hard.
The snake hissed, choking on a furious and pained cry as his lower body thrashed violently in around Raph’s grip. He coiled tight, wrapping around Raph’s arm and shoulder like a python, scales slick and crushing.
This time, Raph winced.
“Mikey!”
Mikey didn’t hesitate. He leapt down through the hole and fired his chains again mid-air. They snapped outward, glowing and clanking as they wrapped around the snake’s twisting and squeezing body, wrestling him off Raph and into submission. The yokai shrieked as the chains tightened, pinning his coils in place until he was bent into an awkward, furious knot of silver and steel on the ground.
Mikey landed beside Raph with a breathless huff.
“That was almost really bad,” he said, flashing a grin. “Thanks, Raphie.” Raph clapped his hands together, shaking off dust and splinters. “Anytime, lil’ man.” He placed his hand on Mikeys head and glanced up through the jagged hole above them. “Donnie! Leo! You guys good?”
Donnie and Leo appeared at the edge a moment later, peering down. Leo took one look at the destruction and absolutely lost it. “You put a HOLE in Draxum’s floor!” wheezing, he doubled over with laughter. “He’s gonna be SO pissed!” His hand slapped against Donnie’s battle shell as he laughed, nearly toppling them both over the edge. Donnie, catching himself, couldn’t stop the small chuckle that escaped him as he surveyed the devastation around them—shattered furniture, torn walls, broken everything.“ ‘Don’t break my stuff,’ ” Donnie repeated dryly before gesturing vaguely at the broken apartment. “It’s like he willed this into existence.”
“He deserves it!” the snake suddenly hissed. All four turtles snapped their attention back to him. Leo was still recovering from his laughing fit when the yokai lifted his head, eyes burning. “You have not won,” the snake spat. “I will have the revenge I deserve—”
Before anyone could react, he jerked his head back and gulped—the amulet vanishing down his throat. Donnie and Leo recoiled in unison, Mikey gasped.
“HEY! NO!” Mikey yelled. “Spit that out! Bad snake guy!” the moment Mikey took a step forward to act, the snake hissed sharply, fangs flashing in warning. Mikey flinched—to be fair, those things were scarily long.
“Yeah?” Raph growled, stepping closer. “You really wanna try that again Pal?” The snake instantly froze before slowly, he shut his mouth and looked away.
“Thought so,” Raph said, smirking and crossing his arms. Mikey glanced between them. “So… what do we do now?”
“Allow me, dear brothers,” Donnie said pleasantly as he hopped down, Leo following suit, and stepped toward the bound yokai. The snake hissed again—causing Donnie’s smile sharpen into something deeply unsettling. “I’ll get the artifact out of him,” Donnie said cheerfully. “With SCIENCE.”
His Tech-Bo whirred violently—
—and transformed into a roaring, very real very LOUD chainsaw.
The snake screamed.
“DONNIE, NO!” Mikey and Leo shouted together, grabbing his arms and yanking him back. “You never let me shine,” Donnie groaned in betrayal as his weapon reverted.
Raph and the snake exhaled at the same time in shared, palpable relief. “Just—uh—make a note for the cops,” Raph said. “Let ’em know he’s got something dangerous he’ll eventually…”
“Expel,” Donnie supplied.
Everyone cringed at that. Eugh.
Mikey somehow produced a pen and sticky note from inside his shell and slapped it onto the snake’s forehead. The yokai grunted, thoroughly offended. No more hissing, though. Things had gotten a little too real.
“Any last words, Slinky?” Leo smirked. The snake opened his mouth—but vanished as a portal swallowed him from below, snapping shut.
“Oof,” Mikey chuckled. “That hurt his pride.” Leo and Donnie bumped fists, grinning.
Raph looked up at the ruined apartment, arms crossed. “So… we clean up or—” The brothers all exchanged a look. “I mean... we could…Or—” Leo slowly began to smile
Everyone perked up.
“PIZZA TIME!”
A portal burst open, and the turtles disappeared one by one.
And no one noticed it...
The faint green pulse that crept eerily under the skin along Raph’s veins from the bite mark on his arm. There was no blood. No swelling. Just two puncture holes. The pulse faded as quickly as it had appeared.
Raph just scratched absently at the itch and stepped through the portal.