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If there was something Pomni (and likely everyone else in the circus) had come to notice about Ragatha, it was that the doll appeared to be very touch-starved.
She was often holding her arm, placing her hands together, and curling in on herself.
The truth was, Ragatha hadn't ever known many instances of touch, especially before ending up in the circus.
Her parents hadn't ever been the best, for starters. They were always tearing her down, comparing her to other kids, saying she could do better without ever giving her even a hint of praise or encouragement, pushing her past her limits, yelling at her, or in the worst of instances, hitting her.
It didn't happen much, but it was still enough to cause Ragatha to instinctively shy away from any sort of touch or even just when someone reached for her.
She feared touch, and yet she also wanted it.
She wanted it so badly.
At least, she wanted something that wouldn't resemble the kind of physical contact that she still had so much trauma from.
She and Pomni had been dating for awhile now after taking their friendship to the next level, but she didn't get much touch even then.
Pomni wasn't one who enjoyed being touched, so Ragatha didn't often ask even though she really wished she could.
Despite wanting so desperately to, she didn't. She valued Pomni's comfort over her own desires.
But she'd be lying if she claimed that she didn't occasionally want to just reach over and pull her girlfriend into a hug. She had fantasized about doing just that so many times now. She craved it so much that it hurt. The desire to be touched just ate her up inside.
But she cared more about respecting Pomni's space and boundaries more than she cared about her desire to get a hug.
She could handle this, right?
She definitely could.
…She could not handle this.
One day, she woke up feeling a bit more down than usual.
But as always, she did her best to mask it.
She didn't want anyone worrying about her.
She made it through the day's adventure somewhat fine, but she was zoning out for the majority of it. She didn't even remember anything that had happened due to how focused she was on keeping up her facade of being fine.
She didn't even notice how Pomni had kept casting worried glances up at her throughout the entire adventure.
It was only once she returned to her room that she allowed her mask to fall.
She curled up on her bed and hugged a pillow, trying to do something to alleviate how touch-starved she still felt.
She wished Pomni was here.
She wished she could just hug the jester for a long moment until she felt better.
But she wasn't going to ask for that.
She couldn't.
She couldn't let anyone see her like this. Not now. Not ever.
Every time she felt even the slightest bit tempted to try and let someone in, she could hear the never-ending echoes of her parents’ taunting voices reminding her to always be perfect and that anything less than flawlessness was unacceptable.
She wished she could just forget about it all.
She really did.
And it wasn't for lack of trying, either. She had attempted everything she could think of to push the bad memories away.
It had taken her so long to open up even to the one who had become her girlfriend. And even then, she still couldn't completely shake the voices in her head. She wished that just once, she could spend time with Pomni without having to remember the way her parents treated her.
She wished she could just exist without being reminded of them every single day.
What she wouldn't give to just forget about it all and finally be at peace.
Her thoughts became interrupted when she heard a knock on her door.
The doll weakly glanced towards it.
The door cracked open to reveal Pomni.
Ragatha quickly pasted a smile onto her face. “Hey, Pomni!”
Pomni entered the room, closing the door behind her. “Are you okay? You've seemed a little off all day.”
Ragatha paused as she tried to think about how to answer the question. She didn't want to lie…but she also wasn’t sure she wanted to talk about it. And she definitely wasn't going to admit how badly she wanted to be held right now. She couldn't do that. Not when she had the most touch-averse person in the world as her girlfriend.
But that didn't stop her from wishing she could…
Pomni headed over and sat on the bed next to Ragatha, looking worried. “Ragatha?”
“...I'm fine,” the doll finally replied as if it was a reflex. Which in her case, wasn't entirely inaccurate.
Pomni looked at her doubtfully.
Ragatha sighed, the look not being lost on her. “Okay, I'm not. But…I will be.”
Pomni continued to stare at the doll. “You know you can tell me what's wrong, right?”
“Just…having one of those days, I guess,” Ragatha replied, not making eye contact.
“One of those days where everything’s going wrong?”
“...Yeah, something like that.”
“I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?” Pomni gave her girlfriend a concerned look.
“Uhm…” Ragatha hesitated. She wanted so badly to ask for a hug. But she had to remember who she was dating, had to remember that her girlfriend was probably the most touch-averse person on the planet and that asking for a hug would undoubtedly make her uncomfortable.
“Whatever it is, you can tell me,” Pomni assured her.
Can I, though? Ragatha thought. She tried to force a smile. “Right, okay!”
Pomni tilted her head, observing the doll. “Do you…want a hug or anything?” Truth be told, she was surprised she was even offering something like that when she hated touch a large portion of the time.
Ragatha froze and looked at Pomni, just as shocked to hear those words leave her mouth. She was rendered speechless for a long moment.
Pomni held her gaze.
“You…you'd do that?” Ragatha finally managed to utter.
Pomni felt bad upon hearing the pure shock in the doll's voice. “I know it's probably surprising. But you're always doing everything you can to help me when I feel down. The least I can do is return the favor in a way that I know will help you the most.”
Ragatha blinked a few times. “Are you sure you don't mind…?”
“Rags, of course I'm sure. I wouldn't offer it if I wasn't.”
“...True.”
“So come here, you little ball of softness.” Pomni reached out and gently pulled Ragatha into a hug.
Ragatha blinked again a few times, still surprised that this was real, that her touch-averse girlfriend was really hugging her.
Once the shock wore off, a sense of warmth began to settle over the doll.
Pomni's hug was every bit as soft and comforting as Ragatha had imagined it would be.
She couldn't remember the last time she had ever felt so warm and safe.
She never wanted Pomni to let go of her.
As the feelings of warmth overcame the doll, so did a sensation of a tightening chest.
She began to realize that this was the first time that she didn't feel afraid of what would come next when someone reached over to touch her.
At least, the first that she could remember.
She gingerly wrapped her own arms around Pomni and hid her face in the jester’s shoulder.
Pomni glanced at her girlfriend. “You okay?”
“Mhm…” was all Ragatha could manage to reply as she kept her face hidden so as not to reveal the moisture building up in her eyes.
Her thoughts continued to wander as she let herself rest in her partner’s sweet embrace.
She hadn't felt scared for once when someone touched her, she was being hugged by her girlfriend when that had hardly ever happened before, she wasn't being made to feel weak for wanting love…
Truth be told, it was all feeling a bit much for her right now.
After years of instinctively flinching away or feeling afraid whenever she thought someone might touch her, it was as if all that fear melted away in the face of the love she was feeling.
She sank further into Pomni's hug, finally letting the tears fall. They escaped from her non-button eye and leaked onto Pomni’s bright jester outfit.
If Pomni noticed, she didn't make any words of protest. She just held onto the doll tighter as if trying to give her some silent reassurance.
Ragatha continued to let out her tears for a few more minutes until the worst of it passed. She then hesitantly emerged from her hiding spot against Pomni's shoulder and looked up at her.
Pomni held her gaze, then reached over and began to gently wipe away her tears.
Ragatha leaned into the touch slightly, her eye fluttering closed.
“Are you feeling any better?” Pomni asked softly.
Ragatha opened her eye again. “...Yeah, a little.”
Pomni smiled in relief. “I'm glad you are.”
Ragatha managed a small smile back. “And it's all thanks to you."
Pomni pulled her into a tighter hug, then planted a soft kiss on her forehead. “I'm just doing what I know you’d do for me. What you have done for me.”
Ragatha took a minute to just stare at the sweet jester that she was lucky enough to call her girlfriend. Sometimes it still didn't feel real that she had managed to find such a true, gentle love.
But she had. Somehow, she had.
Ragatha had put in so much work to try and move past her trauma and let people in, and it was starting to pay off. Now she had a love that she had previously only ever dreamed of having.
She hoped to have Pomni with her for the rest of her life.