Work Text:
TW: Dysmorphia, gender (chest) dysphoria (dissociation??? idk Im putting this here just in case)
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It started off small and insignificant.
An offhanded comment from Fritz about his hair looking like "the lady from the book"'s hair, and then going on to call it pretty.
The last part made it better, but it still broke something small inside of him. He had spent a few years without necessarily cutting his hair even before the Merge, but even now he tried to keep it as neat as possible considering it was around chest length at the time. He knew Fritz didn't mean anything harmful by it. The little Formling was one of the nicest kids he'd ever known.
His mind didn't seem to care. It only seemed to care about finding the smallest things and making them bigger.
However, Cole managed to shake it off, thank Fritz for the compliment, and go along with his day as usual.
Maybe after the comment there were one or two extra times he would tie up his hair in a day, but it was fine.
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Spitz accidentally dealt the next blow.
A few months earlier, Cole had found a pair of reading glasses that he thought looked cool, so he brought them back to the Rookery, and they soon became a part of his daily proceedings once he discovered that they were actually helpful. He would grab something to read, grab the glasses, and sit down on the couch in the entrance of the Rookery for maybe an hour or so before dinner.
That day, Spitz had come up to him while he was reading. She sat down next to him, originally just looking over his shoulder at the book he was reading before looking at his face.
Spitz reached up and tapped the sides of Cole's glasses. "I never noticed these before. They make your face pretty."
And with that, she hopped off the couch and went to help Geo with preparing dinner, unaware of the word that expanded the crack in Cole's soul.
Pretty.
He knew it was a stupid word to be offended by.
Cursed Realm, it was a stupid word in general.
But after Spitz left the room, Cole shoved the glasses far into the back of his half of the closet.
The mirror checks started. Multiple times a day, Cole would retreat to the Rookery's bathroom to look at himself in the cracked mirror and try to 'fix' anything his mind said was wrong.
Which was just about everything on the upper half of his body.
Cole told himself it wasn't that bad. It wasn't a problem.
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The small, insignificant comments built up. It was like water rising faster than a dam could be built.
Eventually, the water spills over.
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It was a normal night --- if "normal" was the way to describe a daily routine that slowly became more appearance-obsessed with each day.
Cole had been in the Rookery's bathroom for about half an hour already. Everybody else was asleep, and he'd managed to slip out of his room without waking Geo.
His spine felt like it was cracked. His lungs felt narrow.
He couldn't breathe. He knew why.
But he'd rather it continue than allow his brain to ridicule him every time he looked at himself.
He knew it was stupid.
He knew he should suck it up and take care of his body for once.
But his brain kept whispering words in his ears.
They will hate you.
They will think you're disgusting.
They will leave you.
He will leave you.
And his brain kept getting louder and louder.
Until it all went black.
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The first thing Geo noticed when the first light of the sun filtered in through the window was that he was alone.
It was quiet.
Which meant Cole wasn't in the kitchen.
Geo got up from the bed and went into the hallway. After about a minute of walking, he arrived in the Rookery's "living room," as Cole said it was called.
Cole usually read in the room, but he was nowhere to be found. Cole's hammer and gear were also still in the bedroom, and he never left the Rookery without them.
Geo started to worry.
But as he started to walk back down the hallway, he noticed the light shining from underneath the bathroom door.
He knocked.
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His head hurt.
His eyes hurt.
Everything hurt.
Sounds were muffled, his ears rang.
There was a sharp succession of sounds, followed by softer ones.
His senses began to come back.
He was sitting on cold tile. His back was against wood. His hand was gripping his head.
There was light. The walls were a pastel yellow color. The tile was a soft grey.
The sounds kept going on, getting sharper by the second.
Then, all of a sudden, there was a new sound.
A click. A squeak.
There was a new feeling.
Something warm and soft on his shoulder.
A hand.
Another new sound entered his ears.
A voice.
"Cole-"
That was his name.
Was it his name?
It didn't feel like his name.
'Cole' is strong and sturdy.
He is not.
He is weak and pathetic.
He couldn't breathe.
He felt his lungs contract then try to expand, only to fail.
Darkness captured him once more.
Only this time, it hurt.
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Safe to say, Geo was panicking. In his defense, what was he supposed to do when he walks into a room only to find his partner on the floor looking like he's a million miles away?
Geo didn't know what he was supposed to do, but he wasn't just going to sit there and do nothing.
At first he tried to communicate with Cole. A hand on the shoulder, trying to talk to him, but Geo got no response.
All of a sudden, Geo heard Cole's breathing quicken into short gasps. And then, Geo saw Cole's eyes flutter shut and his breathing turned shallow.
Not wanting to leave him on the floor of the bathroom, Geo carefully hooked an arm around Cole's back and another around his legs. Geo slowly lifted his partner off of the ground and walked to their shared room, eliciting a reaction from Cole to curl inwards as Geo was walking. It made Geo feel a bit more relieved that at least Cole was reacting to stuff, but it didn't eliminate the worry completely.
Eventually, Geo set Cole down on the bed and pulled one of the thinner blankets on top of him in case the man's breathing got out of hand again. Very quickly, Geo left the room but came back with some food for himself and some extra for Cole in case he wanted it when he got up.
Geo stayed there. Even when he was done his food, he still stayed on the bed next to Cole --- whether sitting or lying down --- on the off-chance that once his partner woke up, he would want someone next to him to give comfort and security.
So, he waited.
Silence surrounded him.
A steady peacefulness.
Until a small rustling sound drew Geo's attention to the other side of the bed.
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The first thing Cole felt was warmth. He was somewhere soft, contrast to the last memory of cold tile on his palms.
But his chest still hurt like hell. It still hurt to breathe. Cole knew what he had to do to fix it, and that just made it worse.
Because if he took it off, sure his body would feel relief, but his mind would go into a never-ending spiral; how this wasn't natural to feel, how he would lose the only comfort he had after the Merge, how Geo would hate him for lying.
Before he knew it, he could feel small amounts of water trailing down his face and the painful urge to gasp for air. He drew in small, quick breaths, trying to minimize the sound they made so that he wouldn't attract any attention to himself.
Cole barely registered the warm hand on his shoulder until he heard a deep but soft voice saying things like "It's okay to let it out," and "Nobody's here but me and you." It was then he also noticed the slight dip in the mattress near his feet.
Someone was next to him --- and he knew exactly who it was.
It was the one person he couldn't tell anything to, but they were also who he wanted to tell everything to at the same time.
"Can you hear me?" Unmistakably Geo's voice, but softer and calmer than normal. Despite nearly every nerve in his body telling not to respond, Cole nodded his head slightly. His breathing was more even now, but the streams of salty tears still fell down his face.
Geo hummed --- short and affirmative. "Can you tell me your name?" That was an odd ask.
"C-Cole," the noiret struggled to say it, afraid that he would be wrong, and that the name he believed was his name wasn't his name at all.
"Good job," Geo whispered, hand now rubbing up and down on his shoulder instead of being stationary. "Can you tell me what's wrong, or is that too big of an ask right now?" Cole took a moment to think after hearing Geo's words. Was he ready to tell him, or was he still a coward, scared of judgement from the one he loved the most?
He chose to not be a coward.
Cole nodded his head after a few seconds, but pointed to the door afterwards. Geo gave his partner a reassuring smile before stepping out into the hallway, shutting the door on his way out.
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A few minutes passed before Geo heard his name being called. He slowly pushed the door open, wanting to give Cole every opportunity to back out if he felt stressed. Speaking of, his partner was now sitting upright on their shared bed, wearing a loose hoodie and holding a piece of fabric that looked oddly stiff.
Geo stepped completely into the room, and shut the door behind him; and only after Cole gestured for him to do so. The noiret patted the spot on the bed next to him, and Geo sat down, waiting patiently for Cole to begin.
Cole inhaled deeply before exhaling a shaky breath. "Do you know what this is?" He quietly asked, holding out the piece of fabric for Geo to look at.
After about 30 seconds of observation, Geo shook his head and replied, "No, not really. Sorry." The piece of fabric was retracted back into Cole's firm grip.
"Do you know what 'trans' means?" Cole's voice shook, and Geo took a hold of his partner's hand to calm him.
"I think I saw it in one of those children's books that Spitz likes to read," Geo put his head on his hand, tapping his chin as he thought back to when he read a book to Spitz one time. He remembered that the specific book that night had flags of all different colors, and a short poem to go along with each one; he actually ended up borrowing it from Spitz the day after.
He tried to remember where in the book he read about the word that Cole mentioned, and Geo was eventually able to pull a small memory of the poem that went along with a blue, pink, and white flag.
"This flag means 'transgender'
which is a label for those
who don't fit into the box they were born into.
Instead, they move to a different box
or abandon the boxes forever," Geo quietly recited, which gained a wide-eyed expression from Cole.
"I think it meant that people who are 'transgender' are people who were born as one gender, but changed it later on once they realized that who they were born as wasn't actually them," the analysis came spewing out as he thought about it, but to Geo's surprise, there was no negative reaction from Cole --- rather, the noiret was slowly nodding his head.
"That's, uh," Cole cleared his throat, "that's actually pretty accurate for a children's book."
Geo smiled a bit. "Why did you ask?"
"Because-" Cole found himself unable to speak, fear clogging his lungs once more.
"Hey," Geo murmured, locking eyes with his partner, "if you're not ready, that's okay. I'll wait as long as you need me to; but just know this," he brings his hands up to cup Cole's face, "I'll always love you, no matter what, okay?"
Cole nodded before taking a few deep breaths. "I- I, uh. I asked because I... the reason I asked that is because I'm, uh, I'm-" his voice cuts out again, but this time, instead of surrendering, Cole continues. "That's what I am, Geo. I'm trans. Born a girl, but just destined to be a boy, I guess." His gaze dropped down to the side, attempting to avoid Geo's eyes. However, Geo himself had different plans.
"Cole, look at me," Geo pleaded in a comforting tone. "You think I would care about that; that I would suddenly stop love you just because your body doesn't match who you know you are -- who you are?" As requested, Cole met his partner's gaze, and after he was confronted with the question, he slowly started to shake his head 'no.' "Good," Geo sighed before gently pulling Cole's head enough so that the two's foreheads were touching.
"All I want is for you to feel safe here, Cole," Geo explains, still using a softer tone. "And I want you to be safe as well; I assume what happened earlier wasn't very pleasant to go through."
Despite everything, Cole started to laugh a little. "No... no, it wasn't."
"I trust you to be safe; to put guidelines and limits for yourself so that you can remain safe here," Geo ran his thumb up and down Cole's face, attempting to quell any last bits of stress that his partner had.
"I'll try to prove to you that I deserve that trust, Geo," Cole replied, a slight smile on his face and he reached up and put one of his hands on top of one of Geo's.
"You've already proven yourself enough by trusting me enough to tell me all of this," Geo stated, reassuring Cole's worries.
Silence filled the room, both calming and unnerving at the same time as the two sat there, truly in peace, for the first time in a long while.
The only thing that broke the quiet was a small whisper:
"Thank you."