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Despite the late hour, Katsuki lies awake. From going to bed at 8:30, to being awake at nearly two in the morning for almost a month straight.
Ever since the war ended, it’s been hard for everyone to go back to normal. After all of the death, all of the trauma, it would be hard for anyone.
However, Katsuki feels it worse. He constantly feels the overwhelming sense of dread, the feel of his lungs closing up, his heart racing and how it would have set off his heart monitor again just a week before. He feels the cold sweat running over his body after nightmares, one’s that wake him out of his rare sleep. He feels the longing for his life before the war. He often still feels dead.
The only time he ever feels somewhat okay, is near Izuku. His breathing is calm, he feels like he can relax when he sees those wide green eyes and untamable green curls. He still worries, seeing how exhausted Izuku himself looks, how he hardly smiles unless it’s at him. How his scarred hands shake more than usual. How his breathing catches when someone touches him or speaks loud.
They cling to each other during the day, never leaving each other’s side. They are constantly touching each other, whether Izuku is holding Katsuki’s wrist, or Katsuki has his arm wrapped around Izuku’s waist.
They’re in each other’s room constantly, not leaving until Iida knocks and lets them know they have to be in their own room now. Even then, they’ll linger a few more minutes, hugging and insisting they’ll see each other in the morning. And they do, they practically sprint to each other in the mornings, finally relaxing when their hands meet.
Katsuki wonders if Izuku has constant nightmares as well. With everything he’s been through in these last two months, it wouldn’t make any sense for him not to. But why hasn’t he mentioned it? Katsuki has mentioned his a few times, which always ends up with both boy’s hugging and talking softly in the dark of their rooms. Izuku always changes the subject when Katsuki asks if he’s having any.
Katsuki turns over, knowing it won’t help him get to sleep anyways, when his phone starts buzzing. His eyebrows furrow, who’s calling him at 3:30 in the morning?
He picks up his phone to see a picture of Izuku sleeping against Katsuki’s chest and the name “Zuku” in bold black letters at the top. The green and red buttons at the bottom of the screen, answer and decline.
Katsuki presses answer immediately, putting his phone to his ear, “Zu, what’s wrong?”
Fast breathing and quiet sobbing came through, followed by Izuku’s shaky voice, “Kacchan- i need you, please, please I can’t- I can’t breathe, I need you-“
Katsuki was already out of his bed, throwing a pair of sweats on, not caring about his lack of a shirt, “it’s okay, I’m coming, you’re in your room, right?”
Izuku whimpered, “yes- please don’t hang up”, Izuku’s crying got louder, his voice broke.
Katsuki sprinted toward the elevator, whispering as to not wake anyone up, “I’m not, baby, I’m not hanging up”
Katsuki had once slipped up and called Izuku baby while they softly talked, trying to take a nap. Izuku hadn’t seemed put off by it, in fact he hugged Katsuki tighter and hummed. When it’s just them, Katsuki makes sure to call him that.
Katsuki continued to talk to Izuku until he got to his room, “I’m on the elevator, I’ll be less than a minute, okay? Is your door unlocked?”
Izuku’s voice sounded choked off, “mhm”
The elevator stopped at the second floor and Katsuki ran to Izuku’s door, opening it.
He hung up when he saw Izuku, curled up on the floor beside his bed, rocking back and forth, his mouth moving like he was talking but no sound coming out. Katsuki shut the door behind him, quickly walking to Izuku. He softly dropped to the floor in front of him, now able to hear how Izuku was gasping for air.
“Izuku, I’m here baby, can I pick you up?”
Izuku shakily nodded, Katsuki picked him up slowly, Izuku wrapped his arms and legs loosely around the blonde. Katsuki held Izuku as he sat down on the bed, letting Izuku sit in his lap.
“You feel me breathing, yeah? Can you try to breathe with me?”
Izuku nodded against Katsuki’s shoulder, he paced his breathing with Katsuki’s. Katsuki smoothed a hand up and down Izuku’s back, noticing he was wearing one of Katsuki’s hoodies.
Katsuki whispered in to Izuku’s curls, “You’re doing so good, Zuku”
Izuku’s crying got louder once his breathing evened out, “Kacchan- I’m sorry, I’m so s-sorry”
Katsuki slipped his hand under Izuku’s hoodie and shirt, his warm hand still running over his spine, “about what? You didn’t do anything wrong”
Izuku pulled his head away from Katsuki’s shoulder, sitting up straight. He shook his head frantically, his hands on Katsuki’s chest, “no, no, no- stop! I was too late! You died because I was too late! I couldn’t save you! It was my fault!”, Izuku yelled, another heavy sob racking through him.
Katsuki stared at Izuku in shock, not understanding what he just heard. He hadn’t mentioned anything like this in the past month.
He gripped Izuku’s thigh with his other hand, speaking over Izuku’s loud sobbing, “Izuku, what are you talking about?”
“You- you died because I wasn’t good enough!”, Izuku was roughly pulling at his hair, “I couldn’t save you, and I couldn’t save Shigaraki! I killed him- oh god- I didn’t mean to- I wasn’t trying to- no, no, no- I didn’t mean to kill him! I couldn’t think- he killed you and I was just so angry and I- I-“, Izuku abruptly got off of Katsuki, running in to his bathroom. Katsuki ran after him, he was crouched in front of his toilet, violently throwing up, sobbing as he coughed.
Katsuki quickly crouched beside him, holding his curls back with one hand, rubbing his back again with the other.
Izuku rambled on in between throwing up, Katsuki caught a few of the sobbed out words, “killed- all my fault- murderer”
After Izuku was seemingly done, his body crumpled, laying on the floor, still shaking with anxiety and tears. Katsuki flushed the toilet before standing up, he stopped when Izuku screamed, “don’t leave! Please- I’m sorry! Don’t leave me!”
Katsuki bent down quickly, grabbing his hand, “shit- I’m not going anywhere, I was just going to get a rag to cool you down with, baby”
Izuku shook his head, body still shaking, “no, no, please- you can’t leave”, he sobbed, gripping Katsuki’s hand tighter.
Katsuki sat on his knees, gently pulling Izuku upright and to his chest. Izuku wrapped his arms around him.
Katsuki ran his fingers through Izuku’s hair, he spoke softly, his mouth lightly pressed to Izuku’s temple “do you want to shower?”
Izuku whined, “no, stay with you- please, I want to stay with you”
Katsuki took a deep breath, questioning himself thoroughly before exhaling, lightly kissing Izuku’s cheek, “I can shower with you, Zuku”
Izuku paused, taking a shaky breath in, before nodding against Katsuki’s torso.
“Okay, c’mon, we need to get a change of clothes for both of us” Katsuki slowly stands up, bringing Izuku with him.
Izuku nodded, walking shoulder to shoulder with Katsuki. He was still trembling from a mixture of nerves and his crying. Katsuki kept a hand on the small of his back, soothingly tracing his fingers up and down.
He headed to Izuku’s dresser, grabbing a pair of fluffy pants, boxers, and his skull shirt Izuku had taken. He opened the bottom drawer that has some of his clothes in it, grabbing boxers and sweat pants.
He turns back to Izuku, his chest tightening at the sight of Izuku’s face, flushed and wet from crying, “you’re okay, I’m right here”, he reassured him. He pushed a few of Izuku’s curls back from his forehead and softly pecked his skin.
He lead the two of them to the bathroom, setting down the clothes and moving to turn on the shower. He waited for it to warm up before turning around, however, he quickly looked away when he saw Izuku taking his shirt off. The light shined bright on the broad muscle of his back. Katsuki felt his face get hot, already regretting this.
He stripped off his clothing, folding it on the toilet. Izuku had already stepped in to the shower, letting the water run over his hair, his eyes closed.
Katsuki took a deep breath, keeping his eyes up, as he joined Izuku in the shower, sliding the curtain shut.
As beautiful as Izuku was, the water streaming down his defined abs, arms, and chest, Katsuki found that it was rather easy to keep his blood flowing equally throughout his body despite the intimacy. It was hard to think of anything other than Izuku’s panicked cries and screams. The only thing Katsuki could feel was hurt, he wanted to take care of Izuku, comfort him.
He reached for the shampoo, the kind Katsuki had bought for him soon after finding out he used 3 in 1, and popped open the cap, “Zuku”
Izuku’s eyes blinked open, tilting his head slightly at Katsuki. Katsuki couldn’t fight the small smile he always seemed to ease in to around the other man, “turn around so I can wash your hair”
Izuku nodded, turning so his back faced Katsuki. Katsuki stepped closer, lathering his hands in shampoo before softly sinking them in to Izuku’s curls. He massaged his scalp, quickly stopping when he heard sniffling again, “Zu? Are you okay?”
Izuku nodded, “y-yeah, I just, uhm…”, he sniffled again, bringing his wrists up to wipe at his eyes despite the shower stream still beating down on him. Katsuki pulled his hands from Izuku’s hair, softly rubbing his trembling shoulders.
“Why are you crying again? Did I hurt you?”, Katsuki leaned slightly over Izuku’s shoulder to tilt his chin toward him, observing the fresh tears building up in his bright green eyes.
Izuku shook his head, giving Katsuki a real smile, albeit small, “no, just- thank you, for all of this…”
Katsuki felt his face soften more, he didn’t think that was even possible. He ran the back of his knuckles over Izuku’s cheek, “I would do anything for you, this is nothing”
Izuku slightly laughed, his face crumbled, his laughter turning in to a sob. Katsuki pulled him in to a hug, softly rinsing the soap out of his hair while rubbing up and down his back, “I can’t- I cant keep doing this, Kacchan. Every- it’s like every night I dream about someone I love dying or leaving me- and I- god I can’t keep watching you die!”
Izuku grasped at Katsuki’s back, Katsuki felt tears surfacing in his own eyes, “yeah- shit, me too. I can’t sleep, I always- fuck, it’s usually you… it’s so fucking hard, I hate not being with you”
Izuku buried his face in Katsuki’s neck, “the only times I don’t have nightmares is when I’m with you”
Katsuki nodded, “…the shitty ass therapist the school assigned me keeps saying I should sleep in your room”
Izuku lifted his head, sniffling, to look in to Katsuki’s eyes, “yeah, mine too…I just- I don’t know, I bother you so much already and I didn’t want to take even more of your time-“
Katsuki squeezed Izuku’s waist, “Izuku, listen to me. I can’t stand being away from you”, he emphasized every word, “If I could, I’d never go anywhere without you. I want to be with you for the rest of our lives”, Katsuki hoped Izuku didn’t catch the more than platonic feelings behind that, but he wasn’t sure if there was another way to take that.
Izuku leaned his head on Katsuki’s shoulder, softly speaking after a few moments of silence hung between the two, “I don’t like thinking about my future anymore…I-…I’m scared I’ll lose touch with all of you, or that you…”, Izuku’s voice quieted to a whisper, “or that you’ll change your mind and not want to be in my life anymore”
Katsuki had started swaying the both of them at some point, “…I’ll be honest with you baby, you might get distant with a lot of the class, but as long as you allow me to, I’ll be right here. We’ve been in each other’s lives since we were brats, and even though I was a dick to you for most of it, and I can’t imagine that changing. I don’t want it to either. Not to mention, I have a lot to make up for”, Katsuki laughed, he felt Izuku smile against his shoulder.
Izuku hummed, “we should hurry up, I feel bad enough that I made you get up to begin with, I don’t want to keep you up any longer”
Katsuki internally cheered, it was getting harder to feel upset when he had Izuku’s wet body pressed against him, he doesn’t know what he was thinking.
He let Izuku out of his arms, softly running his hands up and down the sides of his ribs first before stepping back, “not like I could sleep anyway”
Katsuki conditioned Izuku’s hair, also using the conditioner he bought him, and washed his before both quickly washed their bodies, scrubbing each other’s back.
Katsuki stepped out first, grabbing his towel. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Izuku stepping out and slipping. Katsuki moved quickly and pulled Izuku against him, “oh-“, Izuku smiled and slightly laughed, “thank you”
Katsuki grinned and shook his head, “you can’t do anything without me, can you?”
Izuku rolled his eyes, a pretty smile still adorning his face. He stepped back from Katsuki to grab his own towel.
Katsuki mostly dried his hair before stepping in to his boxers and sweat pants. He turned to Izuku who pulling his fluffy pants on, he reached for Katsuki’s shirt but stopped when Katsuki walked toward him, snickering, “what?” He whined.
Katsuki grabbed Izuku’s towel, “your hair is soaking, Zu”, Katsuki stepped up behind him before softly squeezing the water out of Izuku’s hair.
Izuku looked back at Katsuki, smiling, “sorry, I hate messing with my hair”
“Just let me do it, then”, Katsuki walked over to Izuku’s sink to grab his brush and curl cream Mina had forced on him.
Izuku sighed, “Kacchan, you really don’t have to, it takes a while”
Katsuki turned to him, “are you tired?”
Izuku shook his head, “well, not really but-“
“Then I’m doing your hair”
Izuku huffed with fond exasperation, “ok, fine”, he sat on the lid of the toilet. Katsuki stood between his legs before taking the brush to Izuku’s hair and gently brushing the ends out, moving up slowly as he got the tangles out.
Izuku stared at Katsuki as he moved to squeeze curl cream on his fingers. He ran his fingers through Izuku’s hair, then began twirling small sections of hair around his finger. Izuku didn’t notice he dozed off until the back of one of Katsuki’s knuckles ran across his cheek softly, Izuku’s eyes slowly opened to see Katsuki staring at him.
“Almost done, baby”, Katsuki leaned down to kiss Izuku’s forehead. Izuku hummed, closing his eyes again while Katsuki found the diffuser.
After Katsuki scrunched the rest of the water out of Izuku’s hair, he turned the diffuser on and hovered it around Izuku’s head, “Zu, tilt your head down for me”
Izuku complied, Katsuki dried his hair from under before moving back to hover around the sides of his head.
He turned the diffuser off, unplugging it. He put it back under Izuku’s sink, along with the cream and hair brush. He turned back to Izuku to see him already standing and staring at him. Katsuki smiled before moving to Izuku, running his hands over his hips, “c’mon, let’s go to bed”
Izuku nodded, his eyes fighting to stay open.
Katsuki gripped the back of Izuku’s thighs before hauling him up. Izuku wrapped his legs and arms around Katsuki. After turning off the bathroom light, Katsuki walked toward the bed, lightly laying Izuku down. He tried to stand up but Izuku hadn’t let go, “where are you going?”
Izuku’s voice shook, his hands trembling around Katsuki’s neck.
Katsuki cooed, softly caressing Izuku’s face, “nowhere baby, I’m just going to grab my phone”, Izuku’s eyes widened for a moment in realization, his hands slowly unhooking from behind his neck, “that okay? I’m coming right back, it’s just on the floor over there”, he gestured vaguely near the end of Izuku’s bed.
Izuku nodded, “yeah- uh, I’m sorry”, he looked away but Katsuki shook his head.
“Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong”, he pulled away from Izuku and walked over to the end of Izuku’s bed, crouching to find his phone. A few seconds later, he stood back up, phone in hand, “I’m going to message Aizawa and let him know we’re not coming to class tomorrow”.
Izuku sat up, his eyebrows furrowed, “what? Why aren’t we going?”
Katsuki raised one blonde eyebrow, “Zu, it’s almost 5 in the morning? I’ve not slept at all, and I’m assuming you didn’t get much before I had to come down here. We can miss one day”, he moved toward the bed, crawling under the cover next to Izuku while he began texting Aizawa.
Izuku opened his mouth to argue, but shut it after a moment, he nodded and watched Katsuki expectantly while he typed. After a few moments, Katsuki laid his phone on Izuku’s nightstand, “I texted Shitty Hair to let him know so hopefully all the fuckers don’t wake us up when they leave”
Izuku hummed, scooting as close to Katsuki as he possibly can. Katsuki grinned, wrapping his arms around him, “close enough?”
Izuku smiled, “no, but I guess it’ll work”
Katsuki laughed, his smile softening as he brushed Izuku’s curls out of his face, “you’re as close to me anyone will ever get…”
Izuku grinned, biting the inside of his cheek to hide it, ignoring how Katsuki stared at him with a smile as big as Izuku’s wanted to be. He settled in to the mattress, wrapping his own arms around Katsuki.
Katsuki flinched when Izuku’s hands touched his bare back, “fuck, you’re so damn cold”
Izuku snickered, smiling up at Katsuki, noses hardly an inch apart, “yeah, good thing you’re like my personal heater”
Katsuki playfully rolled his eyes, he pulled the blankets up more, “yeah, just yours?”
Izuku softly touched the tip of Katsuki’s nose with his own, “mhm”
Katsuki ran his hand up and down Izuku’s side, Izuku hummed, “I like when you do that”
Katsuki raised an eyebrow, “what? This?”, he continued.
Izuku nodded, “yeah, it feels nice”, Izuku moved his arms to wrap around Katsuki’s neck. Katsuki repeated what Izuku had done, touching their noses together.
He slipped his hands under Izuku’s (his) shirt so that his warm hand could make skin contact before running his hand up and down again, “what else do you like me doing?”
Izuku smiled, “everything”
Katsuki scoffed, “alright, kiss ass”
Izuku giggled, “sorry, sorry”, he paused, thinking, “I like when you make me food, or talk about movies with me, when you lay down with me, when you do my hair…I like when you don’t act like you’re annoyed with me for being clingy and constantly needing you to work me down from panic attacks even though I’m sure it’s tiring”, Izuku’s smile had fallen, he was slumped against the pillows, lightly tracing his fingers up and down Katsuki’s neck.
Katsuki clicked his tongue, “I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but I’ll tell you as many times as you need, Izuku; I want to be with you through everything, that includes the bad stuff. I don’t do shit I don’t want to, I want to help you, and be there for you. I lo- I need you, Zu. It’s not one sided, you’re not taking advantage of me, and I don’t find any of it annoying. I only hate it because I don’t like that you’re hurting”
Izuku stared at Katsuki, tears surfacing in his eyes, “…yeah, I need you too”, he buried his face in Katsuki’s neck.
Katsuki kissed Izuku’s forehead, running his free hand through Izuku’s hair, “I’ll be here, baby”
“I like it when you call me baby…”, Izuku whispered, “…I like it when you kiss me too”
Katsuki lightly kisses his forehead again, “yeah, baby?”
Izuku giggles, “yeah”
Katsuki leans back to see Izuku’s face, the blush on his cheeks only somewhat visible in the dim room. He kisses his forhead, “I like when you laugh”, his left cheek, “I like when you look at me”, his right cheek, “I like how close you sit to me”, his nose, “I like when you sing”, the corner of his mouth, “I like when you act like you’re shocked at the girl’s gossip like you hadn’t told me the same thing days before”, Katsuki placed soft kisses all over Izuku’s face, even littering them across Izuku’s neck, “I like that you put me in my place, I like waking up from our naps with your hair in my face, I like how you steal my clothes and they smell like you when you give them back, I like when you tell me about everything from the rabbit holes you go through, I like when you sit in my lap and act like there aren’t open spots, I love how good you are with kids, and how smart you are”, Katsuki nipped at Izuku’s cheek, “I love everything about you too”
Katsuki pulled back to look at Izuku, tears ran down his face slowly, Katsuki wiped them away with his knuckles. Izuku’s hands trailed from the back of Katsuki’s neck to his face, “…Kacchan”, Katsuki hummed in question.
Izuku’s thumb moved to softly map the curvature of Katsuki’s lips. Then the bridge of his nose, his eyesbrows, caressing his cheekbones and jaw, never breaking the eye contact.
“I…”, Izuku paused, looking momentarily conflicted. Eyes searching Katsuki’s face in uncertainty, his hand now still, back on Katsuki’s cheek.
Katsuki turned his head to kiss his palm. Izuku shivered, licking his lips, his breath hitching as he tries to talk, but the words seem stuck. Katsuki stayed quiet, running his hands over Izuku in silent reassurance.
Finally, after so much hesitation, Izuku takes a grounding breath. His voice is quiet, but stable, like what he’s about to say is a secret for just the two of them, “I love you, Katsuki”
Katsuki’s eyes widen, his hands momentarily freeze, one gripping Izuku’s hip. His heart is beating rapidly in his chest, he’s quietly thankful he no longer has to wear a heart moniter.
Izuku continues, “I love all those things about you, but I also love you. Even when you’re not doing those things…when you’re doing homework, sleeping, or talking to your friends, and even when you’re mad and yelling, I love you.”
All Katsuki could do was stare, his eyes wide while he processed the fact that his feelings weren’t one sided, that Izuku loved him too.
He knew how Izuku looked at him, and what they meant to each other, but he had never considered that Izuku truly loved him back. That he’d ever get to fully have Izuku. After everything he’d done, he didn’t think he deserved it either. But, he’d said this to his therapist too, and she told him that it didn’t matter if he thought that. If Izuku thought he did, that’s all that mattered.
He clearly had been lost in his head for too long, as Izuku had started to nervously look around. Avoiding the eye contact he had been holding so strongly before, “it’s okay if you don’t feel the same, I’d never want to force that on you. I just- I needed to tell you. I understand if uhm- if you need to put space between us for a bit-“
Katsuki decided to cut his mumbling off before he could start crying again, his eyes already wet with nerves and his voice shaking. He gently pressed their lips together, pulling him ever closer. Izuku jolted, making a shocked noise before melting in to him, his arm wrapping back around Katsuki’s neck.
Katsuki memorized the feel of Izuku’s lips under his for a long time, noting they were somehow still soft even with all the scaring from Izuku’s nervous biting. He brought a hand up, slowly running it through Izuku’s freshly cleaned curls, lightly holding Izuku in place as he licked in to his mouth. The two pulled away every so often to take a breath, before sinking right back into eachother.
Katsuki usually moved with violence and agression, never being able to relax enough to be gentle with things. But of course, Izuku was always the exception to that. Katsuki hadn’t been positive of whether he’d be able to love Izuku like this, tender and sweet, how the boy deserved.
He knows now that it’ll always be this easy to give himself to Izuku, to kiss him and hold him and reassure him. When the time comes, he knows knows he’ll be able to love him in other ways too, fast and rough and messy, but for now, he could focus on taking his time with Izuku.
And taking his time also meant with his words, not just his mouth and hands, so he pulled away from Izuku, pecking his lips once more before fully parting to catch his breath.
He smiled at the sight before him. Izuku’s pupils so dilated and his eyes glassy and his lips plump and shining with their shared spit. He cupped Izuku’s face in both hands, running his thumbs under his eyes, “I love you too, Izuku. So much.”
He leaned their foreheads together and closed his eyes, just breathing him in, the both of them sharing this feeling fully for the first time. As their breathing evened out, and the sun started to rise, Katsuki felt complete for the first time since the war.