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The way time passed here- didn't pass- left Zatanna feeling… Disoriented. She wandered for ages, what felt like ages, and only ever uncovered more trees and fields. The initially pretty green scenery got dull fast. Or slow. Who knew. Point was, even with the magic of the place imbuing itself into her, she was simultaneously dead exhausted, and also in the same exact state she'd been in when first dropped into this place. Which wasn't too great to start with, considering the tricky magic she'd been forced to pull on John.
Gods. She stopped where she was. Though there was no one around, she covered her mouth to stop the sound of the sob that wrenched its way up her throat. Her whole body trembled with the pain of the thought. John. No longer loved her. No longer even remembered loving her.
It was so fucked up. Even though they weren't together she couldn't have that one damn thing. So fucking sue her for sometimes taking comfort in the fact that he still loved her. She still loved him. It was just good to know that after all they'd been through he loved her. It felt like a reassurance: in this universe- maybe in all universes where they existed, even- John Constantine and Zatanna Zatara would always be in love. And now she didn't have that.
They- they couldn't have been together. They both knew that. Not after everything. But now she tortured herself with the knowledge that she had been the one keeping them apart all these years. In her strong, clear-headed moments, she knew that he'd always end up hurting her, and that it was better for her to keep them apart. But now was not one of those moments.
They did love each other. Had for so long now. He loved her more than the whole world and over again. He'd tear it all apart for her. They could've spent years together, made the House of Mystery truly their own. Maybe if they were together for real he wouldn't have abandoned the team like he did. It was possible they could have had decades, living together, loving, and letting that love reverberate through their connection for the other to cherish.
And now… Was the bond even still there? What would he think when he looked at the tattoo they shared? Would he feel this tattered, wrecked sorrow she felt now echo across their bond and wonder what had happened to her?
But that was all assuming she ever got out of here and saw him again. It was more than likely that she'd be stuck here forever, slowly losing her mind. She was on the ground on her knees now, felt a momentary dull ache in her legs before the surrounding magic of the place eased it away.
It took eons for her to collect herself enough just to wipe her eyes. She sniffled pathetically, willing away the tears marks and snot before taking a deep breath. She opened her eyes, focusing hard on staying calm.
In front of her stood Nick Necro.
He wore his old coat and a concerned look on his handsome face. Zatanna shot up into a standing position with her arms in front of her, pulling magic towards her in preparation.
“What the fuck?” He raised his eyebrows, confusion adding to the concern. He spread his arms wide, in a non-threatening gesture, and even took a step back. Too considerate. Not real. Obviously.
“Hello to you, too, baby. What happened? Did someone hurt you? Who do I gotta kill?”
“What? What? I don't want you here, get out!”
His face darkened. Such a familiar expression on him. That made more sense. She shook her head to clear the thought. No, not real. “Don't joke around. Whatever's happened, you know we’re strong enough to fix it.”
“If I don't want you here, you're supposed to go away. I know you're not real, and I don't want you. So go away.”
“Ha, I don't think you could ever not want me, Zee. The kind of soul bond we have is nothing to laugh at. Just tell me what's wrong.”
“Please leave. This isn't helping me. This isn't helping me get home. I need to get out of here, not argue with you, Nick.”
“Well, we really don't have to argue. You started that bit, princess.”
“Why aren't you going away? I know you're not real, and John- my dream of him, or whatever- disappeared when I realized that.”
“Really think you'd get rid of me so easy, luv?” And suddenly he was there. Of course he was. No jacket, Nick appeared to be wearing the one trenchcoat her mind felt like conjuring at the moment. Dream-John looked at Dream-Nick, an easy, familiar expression he definitely had not had the last time they'd come across each other. “Nicky! Hey, mate, been a long time.”
Nick grinned, dangerous and fearsome, then walked over to where John had appeared. Nick reached into John's pocket to grab his pack of cigarettes; John grabbed at Nick’s arm. They both laughed, wrestling playfully over them until they'd drawn each other close.
Then they kissed. A little aggressive, half-embracing and half-shoving each other back and forth. Little sparks of magic flickered from Nick’s hands as he gripped hard at John’s biceps. Nick always kissed like he was intent on devouring, and John like he was desperate for every bit of it.
They looked just like they always had before.
“Please,” She begged now; the sight of them together triggered an intense wave of nostalgia and want. It took her back years, before it had all fallen to shit, and they were comfortable all together in their small apartment. Memories she’d shoved back especially hard during her time in Nanda Parbat rushed back. Both times there, really, with the first being infinitely worse and yet still easier than the second. “I don't need this. This isn't helping.”
They broke apart, mirror expressions of concern on their faces. Neither had the decency to look at all ashamed, but they did focus entirely on her now. She wasn't sure if that was better or worse than watching them kiss. “You're right, luv. This isn't about us right now.”
Zatanna sighed, tears welling up in her eyes even though she'd just spent however long crying already. Why didn't her brain understand that this was all just too goddamn much? “Then what is it about? Why are you here? I don't… I don't want you here. I don't want to see either of you. It's not making me feel good, if that was the point of this.”
“But you obviously do want us here, or we wouldn't be. You're overwrought. How long have you been wandering around looking for a way back home?” She didn't question why Nick suddenly knew what had happened when earlier he'd been oblivious: just more bullshit thought magic. He'd probably know whatever amount of information was best suited to fucking with her head.
“There's no time here. It doesn't matter how long I've been gone; it's all passing and not passing at once.” And she had no idea where her team was, where the real John was, or what was happening to any of them.
“You're not from here, Zee. Even though no actual time is passing, you're still experiencing this all emotionally.”
“You're gonna drive yourself mad, luv. You needa take a minute to stop.”
“What I need is to get out of here! I need to find a way out, and get back to my team. And find the real John.” She turned away from them, walking back towards where she came from. It's not like it made a difference. There was a rustle behind her as the two started to follow- the familiar flap of the trench coat on Nick was unnerving. She sped up. Then John shouted.
“But, Zee, I love you.” Zatanna froze. Her heart hammered rapidly. Why, why, why this again? Silence, until she turned slowly to look at him. He was so earnest, this John, his face clear in a way he so rarely was back home. “I love you. And you know that when you go back I won't. Why bother when you can be happy here?”
That was the breaking point. Or the newest breaking point. It felt like she'd been encountering a lot lately. This one felt like everything in her was slowly shutting down. She wrapped her arms tight around herself, clutching at the cape of her costume and pulling it in like a coat. Then she looked down at the grass. A tear ran along her nose and dropped to the ground. Maybe if she ignored them long enough they would just go away.
“Looks like you fucked that up, Johnny.”
And, in her periphery, she could see Nick as he approached her. Could feel it too, was aware of their presences like nothing else. He was hesitant; she imagined he would approach a wild animal similarly, if he ever cared enough to bother doing so. He'd only ever been gentle with her; he was all pompous and sharp edges with everyone else. He touched her shoulder, then moved closer when she remained as still as possible. His hand slid over her shoulder blade across her back, and as he pressed in closer, she felt her heart pound frantically against her chest. The ever-present magic of the place burned under her skin, making her feel claustrophobic and too exposed all at once. Nick almost had her in a hug before she jerked and shoved him away.
“You tortured me!” She stumbled back a few steps, furious now that the surprise and sorrow at their stubborn presence had been melted away by John’s jarring statement and Nick’s uncharacteristic softness. Why would her subconscious do this to her? “Fuck you! Just go away!”
Nick's brow furrowed, a look of genuine sorrow filling his light eyes. “Baby, I’d… I’d never hurt you.” He chuckled, ruffling his hair. Zatanna narrowed her eyes at him. “I know I’m a rough kinda guy, and so help anyone that crosses me, but you? I love you so goddamn much, Zee. No way in hell I’ll ever hurt you.”
“You fucking tortured me! Kept me and John tied up like batteries for weeks, then tried to get us to join in on your crazy plan!”
“I don't think that's happened to ‘im yet, luv.”
“Excuse me?”
“Why would you want bonkers Nick here when you could have the Nick from before all that shit? Having ole Nicky from when we were coven seems like the better deal to me.”
“You're…” She examined Nick, really let herself look at him for the first time since his arrival, and found John was right. The twisted, revived Nick she'd seen most recently had a gaunt face, with hollowed cheeks and deep under eye circles. He had been pale, with a hint of blue to his skin, and even moved wrong, like when he'd returned from hell he didn't quite remember how to move a body. This Nick was vibrant, bristling with the unchecked energy that was attracted to powerful mages. His dark hair was full and shiny; his eyes bright. He still had that same dark edge, but it was something she'd found intoxicating when she was younger, and not an addition from his time in hell. “Damn. Damnit.”
She sunk down to the ground, exhaling a deep sigh. After looking at each other, the two men did, too. Of course she made early-Nick, and of course she was too wrung out to immediately recognize it. Maybe they were right. Maybe she was already too fucked up and walking around aimlessly wasn't helping. They all sat there together in a small circle, like when they used to do rituals together. Even just their breathing near her made her feel slightly more at ease now that she'd let herself listen.
“This is so messed up.” Zee said, almost blandly. It was just a fact of life at this point.
“I don't think anyone would ever accuse us of bein’ not messed up. Even back in the day we were messed up to most people’s standards.” John smirked.
“Most people are dim and unimportant compared to us.” That statement was so very Nick that Zatanna laughed despite herself. The give and take of them was so familiar, so comfortable, and slipping into it took no effort despite the heavy pain in her heart.
“Jus’ keep telling yourself that, Nicky. We’re cursed for being like this. The universe likes to punish us for fuckin’ with it.”
“Then I'll be stronger than it.” Nick’s eyes got so intense when he was like this. Later, when he'd become truly obsessed with finding the books, it was a different sort of intensity that shone in his eyes. But this was him before that, and Zatanna could look at him without cringing, or feeling the overwhelming worry she had in those days.
“So whatcha planning on doing? Fighting God? Reshaping the cosmos so it won't bite back at us? What'll you do?”
“To protect the three of us? Anything.”
He reached out to both of them, just gently putting his hands on each of their thighs. The motion was tender despite the ferocity in his words. She didn't shake him off.
It was uncharitable of her to think earlier that Nick had never been like this. The moments may have felt rare, but they were there. She doubted she would have stayed with him as long as she had if he hadn't sometimes been like this, so achingly sincere and caring beneath all his fierceness.
And John… She knew John was good underneath it all. She didn't think he'd ever admit it to himself, but he was. Maybe if things had been different, she'd have been able to tease it out of him, eventually. Maybe she could do that here.
“I didn't realize…” She stopped, bit at her lip, then started again, “I didn't want to think about how much I still thought about you. You're still so clear in my head. It could've been just yesterday we all took that shapeshifter down. Or when we finally got rid of that ugly couch. Or the first time we were all together.”
“That,” John grinned lecherously, “Was a good night.”
Nick smiled at that, “We could live it all again, Zee. And more. You don't have to stop looking for a way out if that's what you want, but there's no harm in us being here with you. We can have forever here, all together.”
“Then… Stay with me. While I find a way out. I can't forget that I need to leave, but… There's no point in going mad from solitude.”
John and Nick grinned at her, and both reached for her hands. Together, in an ungraceful tangle, they stood up. Zatanna let them envelope her in a tight hug, and let the scent of John’s smokes and Nick’s aftershave wash over her. It was like being home again. Maybe this place didn't have to be a death sentence, as long as she remembered that she needed to leave. Eventually. There was no use in rushing when time was eternal.