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The Golden Snake.
It was sitting right there on the pedestal. A symbol that Zootopia had finally accepted reptiles into their society. It was 280 pounds worth of pure gold. It would make for a perfect heist, not only with the Bad Guys, but it would finally get Mr. Snake out of his debt. Snake looked through his binoculars onto the ceremony stage. He pressed his ear piece.
“Target locked, the audience should be distracted enough by that pompous horse that the decoy should be more than perfect,”
“Affirmative,” Mr. Wolf confirmed. “Get to your places now!”
Mr. Snake slithered in the shadows underneath the ceremony stage.
This will be too easy. Snake thought. I’ll show those landlords what for. No more living in the sewers for me, I promised myself that.
He continued into the ventilation shaft that brought him up to the backstage. Through the grate, he could see two polar bears working the lights.
“Piranha?” Snake whispered.
“On it,”
Just like that, two darts were shot into the bears, knocking them out. Snake slipped out of the vent and onto the light dashboard, which was riddled with flashing buttons and levers.
“So excessive for no reason,” Snake commented as he started messing with the settings.
Webs’ voice came into his ear piece. “Remember, the red button in the corner shuts the whole thing off–”
“Yeah yeah, I know. Five second cooldown and everything, got it.”
Now he just had to sit there and wait for everything to happen, which could take anywhere from five seconds to 3 hours. He never knew what kind of shenanigans the others would get up to and quite frankly, it was none of his business. As long as the heist gets done and he can pay off his–
SLAM
The backstage door busted open, making Snake flinch and dart into the shadows. He saw another snake slither in. He was blue, had rougher scales, and a smile Snake was tempted to throw up at.
“Guys! Have I ever told you that–” The snake halted at the sight of the unconscious bears. “Guys?...”
“Piranha???” Snake whispered desperately.
No response.
“Damn fish,”
“You!” The blue snake spotted him. “What are you doing there? Who are you?”
Shit. Mr. Snake slowly came out of his corner.
“Uh… these guys were drunk and passed out. I was uh… cleaning up a spill here,”
The blue snake studied him. “I’ve never seen a snake like you before. Are you not from Zootopia?”
“Nope. I am visiting from uh– you know what, doesn’t matter! I am….” Snake tried to think of a fake name. “...Gary… DeSnake… Yeah! Gary DeSnake! That’s my real government name!”
“Your name is Gary DeSnake?” The blue snake looked bewildered. “That- That’s my name…”
Shit shit shit shit.
“Uhhhh…. It’s spelled very unconventionally, hehe. You see, it’s spelt with a uh- ‘ie’ instead of a ‘y’ haha… cool coincidence though!”
Gary’s eyes lit up. “No way! We both have the same name! At least, very similar. That’s amazing! Permission to hug, Garie?”
“Hug?”
Gary suddenly wrapped around Snake’s body, making him shiver. He was very warm.
“Ah- Okay okay is this really necessary?” Snake asked, looking into the viper’s eyes.
“That’s how I greet everyone!” Gary unravelled himself from Snake. Snake realized how cool the room was.
“That’s great um–” Snake looked at the bear bodies. “Hey, would you mind helping those guys get somewhere more comfortable? They’ll have a long night ahead of them.”
“Oh yeah of course! They have their own minivan they hang out in, I can take them there!” Gary nodded, radiating an ungodly amount of positivity.
“Perfect, and then drive them home while you’re at it, make sure they’re perfectly tucked into their beds and whatnot,” Snake feigned an innocent smile.
“Oh, I can’t drive, sorry. I also don’t know where they live,” Gary’s head dropped a bit.
Ugh. “Then just get them to the minivan. I got the lights covered here so you don’t have to worry about coming back here. Ever. For the entire ceremony,”
“Sounds great! I still can’t believe we have such similar names!” Gary gasped. “Are you perhaps one of my long lost siblings? Maybe even a cousin?!”
God I hope not. “I don’t know… I live pretty far from here, so it would be a bit of a stretch,”
“It could always be possible!” Gary swiped a pad of sticky notes and a pen from the nearby table and swiftly wrote something down. “Here!”
Mr. Snake took it and realized it was a phone number! Snake stared at it for a bit. “You… gave me your phone number?”
“Yeah! I wanna chat with you sometime! Give me a call or text or something! I’m always looking to make a friend! Anyway…” Gary wrapped himself around both of the large bear bodies with ease, dragging them out of the door. “I hope to see you around, Garie!”
With that, he left and shut the door. Snake stood there for a moment, looking back between the sticky note and the door. Someone actually gave him an opportunity to make friends… How often did that happen?
“SNAKE! NOW!” Mr. Wolf’s voice shot through his earpiece.
Snake panicked and ran into the console.
“Right, Shit, shit, now! Doing it now!” He pressed a specific combo of buttons and then pressed the red button in the corner. The music, the lights shining from the curtain, everything shut off. The console went dark, displaying a countdown of 5 minutes before it could turn back on. “Easy.”
The next part of the plan should be simple. Wait for the real Golden Snake trophy to slide through the curtain and haul it off to their car. However, as he was preparing for that, the door burst open again. Gary zoomed up to him, worried.
“What happened? Is everything okay?” Gary asked. “All the lights and stuff went out and everyone’s confused!”
“Ah-” Mr. Snake pressed his earpiece. “I don’t know what happened, but I think there’s somebody in here that might be causing trouble!”
“Oh no! Who would dare disrupt the ceremony! Don’t they know what this means to Zootopia?!” Gary panicked, looking around. He studied the console.
“We have 4 minutes until the lights can go back on. I’m sure things will be alright, right Garie?” Gary smiled. Mr. Snake noticed his fangs were skinnier, but longer than his own. He got a bit jealous.
“Yeah, right, of course, no need to worry. Hopefully the creatures responsible for this are properly apprehended,”
Mr. Shark’s voice came through his earpiece. “Hey uh- you know we are the ones doing this, right?”
Fucking idiots…
“Well, Gary, you should probably go entertain the audience, keep their mind off the outage until I can get this going again,” Snake tapped the console with his tail, giving a confident smirk.
“Yeah, yeah! You should come with me! Then everybody will get to know the new snake in town!”
“I don’t think that’s–”
The curtains flew open, the Golden Snake sliding on the floor, bumping right against Snake’s body. Snake wrapped it and smiled.
“Oh my, the Golden Snake! Be careful with that, it’s very valuable!” Gary slid close to Mr. Snake.
“Oh don’t worry, I can hold on to this baby while we wait for the power to go up. We wouldn’t want it going missing now, would we?”
“We must put it back on the pedestal! Please, can I take it? The show won’t be amazing without it?” Gary looked at him with pleading eyes.
Why is he so damn adorable?
“Uhhh…” He pressed his earpiece. “Hey I think I saw that console go a bit red. Very red!”
Gary tilted his head and looked at the console. Now’s the chance. Mr. Snake shot to the backstage door, but ended up running into it as it had been locked.
“Ow…”
“Oh, are you okay?” Gary slid up to him. “I must’ve accidentally locked it, sorry! Wait… why were you trying to leave with the trophy? Are you…”
Gary gasped, covering his mouth. “You’re not trying to steal it, are you?!”
“What?!” Snake faked offense. “Perposterous! I would never try to steal something so valuable, so–”
Before he could finish, Gary leapt at him, tangling himself with Snake.
“Woah, hey! Watch it!!” Snake yelled as he fought Gary. He managed to slide out, knocking the trophy out of Gary’s grasp. He tried to get to it first, but Gary jumped for him again, biting his neck.
“OW!!!” Mr. Snake well to the ground, his body feeling weak.
“No! Wait, no no no I didn’t mean to–” Gary’s voice was starting to fade. “I’m so sorry! It was an instinct! I- I- I…”
Snake’s vision faded to black as the last of Gary’s words were drowned out by the ringing.
…
Mr. Snake opened his eyes to a bright light. He groaned as he sat up, his head aching. He was in a hospital bed with natural sunlight beaming through the window. He looked around, trying to remember what happened. He glanced at the night stand next to him and found 6 things. His phone, and some notes from his friends.
“We didn’t finish the heist, but at least we’re all alive!” Said Wolf’s
“Sorry we couldn’t pay your debt, pal. Maybe next time?” Said Web’s
“You did great out there, despite getting bit by a viper!” Said Shark’s
“I got a bit distracted by the snacks, sorry bud. Your feed was out of whack anyway. I told you you needed a new earpiece!” Said Prianha’s.
“I’m so sorry about that, forgive me?”
The last one wasn’t tagged and had a poorly drawn heart on the bottom right corner. Snake didn’t particularly feel happy. He got a shot full of venom and flubbed the heist. The others were probably in jail. Typical. Though, if the others were imprisoned… Why wasn’t he? He collected his phone and called Mr. Wolf. It wasn’t half a ring before he picked up.
“Snake!! Snake you’re alive!!” Wolf exclaimed over the phone. All the others shouted at him through the phone. He couldn’t help but smile.
“Yeah yeah, whatever, where the hell are you guys?”
“We just broke out of prison and are disguised at a restaurant. Once we’re done here, we’ll pick you up and we’ll figure out an alternative before the end of the month!” Wolf answered.
“Alright, how come I wasn’t imprisoned?”
“You weren’t caught with us getting arrested, so you got the easy way out. Good thing the snake that bit you was nice enough to put you in the hospital. We were just over there this morning!”
“The snake…” Mr. Snake thought. “Yeah yeah, just… making sure you guys were okay.”
“Of course! So let’s say we can pick you up in about an hour, alright?”
“Cool,”
“Alright then,”
They both hung up. Snake felt a bit of… something. He looked at the untagged note and thought for a moment. He dug through his shirt pocket and pulled out the sticky note with Gary’s phone number. He sighed.
“Why am I bothering?...”
He dialed the number on his phone and pressed Call. The phone lasted two long rings before he picked up.
“Hello? Who’s this?” Gary asked.
“Hey… it’s me, the snake you bit at the ceremony,” Snake heard Gary gasp and panic a little on the other side.
“Oh my gosh I’m so sorry!! Hopefully you read my note? I really didn’t mean to do that, it’s just… you were stealing something and I had to act! A-At least you’re alive, right?”
Mr. Snake hesitated. “Yeah, I am but why are you apologizing to me? If anything, that was some great self-defense! I ruined your party, so if anything I should be apologizing for lying and deceiving you.”
“I uh- No, yeah, you’re right. I have a habit of apologizing for things that aren’t really my fault, haha. You… you found my self defense impressive?”
“Totally!” Snake reassured him. “Not even I have venom! That’s a sick move you can do, Gary. And look, don’t take it personally that I lied and everything it’s… my life, basically.”
“Oh… yeah that…” A hesitance. “Why were you guys trying to steal the trophy anyway?”
“Would you even care?” Snake looked at Gary’s note again.
“Of course I would! I care about everyone’s feelings, even those that maybe aren’t the best morally,”
Hesitation. “I am in a bunch of debt and I’m trying to sell valuable stuff to pay it off.”
“Oh my, that sounds hard,” Gary sympathized.
“It is. So forgive me for ruining your ceremony,” Snake’s tail hovered over the decline button.
“It’s okay, you had a good reason. In fact… maybe I can find a way to help you! Perhaps I can make some connections and help you out!” Gary said excitedly.
Snake chuckled a bit. “Don’t waste your time on me,”
“I wanna help you, how about I come over there in about an hour and talk it out, huh?”
“I suppose I don’t have a choice, do I?” Snake wondered why he didn’t outright decline it.
“Great! See you then, Garie!”
“Oh, Gary! Um… Before we end this call, I want to tell you that… My name isn’t Garie DeSnake like I said. Not even close. I lied because I thought you’d rat me out.”
“Oh… so what’s your name then?”
“I go by Mr. Snake, or just Snake,”
“You don’t have a first name?”
“I do but… I don’t really like it. Just call me Snake, alright?”
He could practically hear Gary’s smile on the phone. “Alright, Mr. Snake.”
He hung up the phone. He sat there, reflecting on how the next month of his life is going to go. He held Gary’s apology note, looking at it for way too long. He set it aside, shaking his head. At least he isn’t paying for anything while he’s here.