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1.
It wasn’t uncommon at this point for Virgil to end up spending the night at Logan’s. He’d startle awake after a particularly upsetting nightmare and no longer feel safe sleeping in his room, or he’d have difficulty winding down after an especially demanding day, or sometimes he just wouldn’t want to be alone, even if he’d never admit to that aloud.
Tonight, it’s an unfortunate combination of all three, and he can’t help but sigh in relief when Logan permits him to stay.
He’s always said yes, of course, but it’s still nice to have confirmation that he hasn’t outstayed his welcome just yet.
Virgil finds himself contemplating that as he brushes his teeth, how readily Logan welcomes him every time without fail, even when it has to be tiresome dealing with him tossing and turning for ages anytime he tries to fall asleep.
And yet, never once has Logan complained.
Virgil sighs to himself, trying to dispel the thought with a weak shake of the head as he roots around in his pocket for his phone, just to make sure his alarms are all set.
Only his phone isn’t there.
Okay, so his phone isn’t in his pocket, and it’s not on the counter by the sink, so where is it?
He thinks he remembers leaving it somewhere around Logan’s bed, maybe he just forgot and left it there.
Virgil eases the bathroom door open, still impressed by how quiet its hinges are, and scans the bed to confirm his theory.
Sure enough, there’s his phone, set on the corner by the foot of the bed.
And Logan is right next to it.
He’s on his knees by the side of his bed, hands clasped before him as his elbows rest on the star-patterned comforter. His eyes are closed but his lips are moving, like he’s talking, and if Virgil strains his hearing hard enough he can almost make out some quiet whispers he knows he’s not meant to hear.
Logan is praying.
If he were a little more aware—or maybe a little less stunned—he’d realize he’s definitely eavesdropping on something very private and that he should do the smart thing and just close the bathroom door again so he can give Logan his privacy back and pretend he didn’t notice anything. He should do that, he should do that right now.
But before he can think to try, Logan mumbles a closing ‘Amen’ and opens his eyes—
—and freezes when he sees that Virgil saw him.
Virgil frantically tries to find an explanation, an apology, any stray scattering of words he can think of to try to quell the rush of panic he felt spike when Logan noticed he had been spied on, but all he ends up saying is—
“I didn’t know you prayed.”
Logan stiffens before forcing himself to relax, unfolding his hands and standing back up.
“I didn’t see a need in saying that I did.”
“Hey, I’m not judging or anything,” Virgil hastily follows. “I just didn’t really take you for the praying type, that’s all.”
Logan shrugs, clearly still feeling a little awkward. Or maybe defensive. “Thomas is a religious man, of course his Sides are going to be prone to compulsions of faith.”
Makes sense, Patton still prays multiple times a day, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel like begging to—well, some greater power—whenever he felt in need of a proper miracle.
“Well I didn’t mean to intrude or anything,” Virgil adds. “And I’m not gonna say anything about it if you don’t want me to.”
Logan manages a small smile. “I’d appreciate that, thank you.”
A smile in return. “Hey, what are friends for?”
2.
Patton often had to remind himself to cut down on ingredients when preparing food lately.
It’s not like he accidentally makes too much food and then everyone is stuck with leftovers for a week, it’s more like, well…
He’s usually the only one eating it at a time.
But that’s not a problem or anything! Really, everyone else still eats three meals a day (he makes sure of it), they just all eat at different times lately.
Virgil and Roman tend to sleep in so their breakfast is closer to brunch, and Janus and Logan are perfectly punctual to their own personal hours for eating.
And Patton doesn’t even want to think about when Remus eats, much less what.
And okay, he’s not upset about them not really having any shared family meals lately, they’re allowed to do whatever they want as long as no one’s getting hurt.
But sometimes he just gets a little lonely.
Which is why he invites Logan to eat with him when he catches him alone in the kitchen one day.
Patton’s almost as surprised at himself for asking as Logan is, since he’s been trying to be better about respecting other’s boundaries and not forcing them to go along with whatever he wants, but then Logan surprises him even further by actually accepting the invite.
“You… you mean it?”
“I don’t see why not,” Logan explains, as composed and detached as usual. “After all, I was just preparing to eat myself, so it only makes sense we share a meal.”
“Right, y-yeah. Sounds good!” Patton fumbles, nervously fumbling for something to say. “Did you, uh, did you have anything in mind to eat?”
“Not particularly, but I’d prefer something simple right now.”
“No problem!”
They end up making sandwiches, Logan’s being far more healthy and tidy-looking than Patton’s, and their plates are both set and ready when Patton pauses for a moment to pray.
He doesn’t expect anyone to pray with him anytime he does, heck, he doesn’t really obligate them to put anything on hold until he’s done. This is for him, they don’t need to cater to that if they don’t want to.
Still, he keeps it brief, thanking God for the meal and for getting to share it with Logan, and when he finishes he expects Logan to already be halfway through his meal or, at the very least, bored and waiting for him to be done.
Instead, he raises his head to see Logan’s own still bowed in prayer.
Patton finds himself faltering for the briefest of moments at the sight, and in that moment Logan finishes his prayer and begins his meal, like it was normal.
Like he didn’t just break Patton’s brain a little bit just now.
“You should eat your food,” Logan states between bites, “Otherwise there’s no promise Remus won’t steal it before you get a chance.”
He’s right, as always, but…
“You pray too?”
Logan pauses, setting down the remaining half of his sandwich.
“It’s not like you’re the only one allowed to.”
“I’m not saying that! I’m just surprised, I thought you thought praying was stupid.”
“There are many things I think are stupid, but faith isn’t one of them.”
Patton wants Logan to say more, to tell him what he prays for, if he’s always prayed or if this is new and if so, what called him to it? But he doesn’t say anything else, just continues with his meal, and Patton does the same in curious silence.
3.
Roman is practically buzzing with excitement.
After so long with nothing to do and nowhere to go, they’re finally getting out of the house! No more listlessness and boredom, no more bedrotting and doomscrolling, not today!
Today, Thomas has been invited to meet up with some friends for the first time in weeks!
And just in the nick of time, too! Any longer and they may have whiled away the whole day in drudgery and housekeeping, and then Roman would have really wasted away.
He’s just not built for that kind of labor, alright? He’s the dreamer, the adventurer, the optimist, it’s hard to be any of those things when you’re choking on cleaning products and wishing for something grander with your life.
He’s just… restless.
Which is why he’s determined to make the most of today, eagerly pilfering Thomas’ closet to make his best outfit yet and flitting around to ensure there are no loose threads that could possibly mess this up.
Once he’s certain that he and Thomas are ready to go, he makes one last stop by his room to freshen up before heading out.
Only to pause outside Logan’s door.
Logan’s ajar door, the sliver of light it leaves revealing Logan on his knees in the middle of his floor with his closed hands pressed firmly against his forehead.
For a moment he thinks Logan might be hurt, or even crying, but before he can think to intrude in the name of concern, he hears something.
A plea, muttered tremulously behind clasped hands.
“Please,” Logan whispers into the silence, “please tell me what to do. Tell me how to best fulfill my role, how to stop failing.”
A shuddering breath that steadies Logan and shatters Roman.
“I beg of you,” he finishes, “please hear me. Guide me. Show me the way forward.”
He… he’s…
Oh, dear.
Roman didn’t know, how could he have known?
Logan had been so adamant about cleaning today, he’d insisted and—
And Thomas is ready to go out with his friends, and Roman needs to get with the program.
Right. Okay.
He… he’ll make it up to Logan later. He swears.
4.
It’s early. Remus doesn’t like being up this early.
Existential dread and what-ifs are best saved for the middle of the night when there’s nothing to distract from them, but Thomas has been getting better at sleeping lately so Remus needs to find a new strategy for torment.
And if that means making Thomas think of death before he’s awake enough to brace himself, so be it.
He waltzes through the empty halls, looking for a good place to start. Some of the sides are probably starting to wake up at this time, but not all of them.
It’ll be easier to act unimpeded when there’s fewer people awake enough to try to stop him.
He stops by each door, listening just long enough to confirm that no one is getting up yet.
Roman’s still snoring, Virgil’s dead asleep, Janus’ sleep music is still playing, and Patton hasn’t turned off his nightlight yet.
Good, the only one left is—
Logan mutters something behind his door, and Remus can’t tell if it’s directed at him or not.
He slips silently into the room, just to check, and finds an answer he expected least of all.
Logan’s eyes are still closed but he’s sitting upright in bed, hands folded in obvious prayer.
“—and please grant me the strength to complete my tasks, and the patience to withstand any challenges with grace.”
Huh.
Remus regains his bearings just in time to hear the telltale ‘amen’ of his prayer being finished, and to think of something to say once Logan opens his eyes and sees him standing there by the door.
“You know God’s not real, right?”
Logan, for what it’s worth, reacts smoothly.
“I know.”
“So why bother praying?”
Now Logan falters, even for just a moment, before coming up with an answer he believes will be satisfactory.
“I have to have faith that He’s listening, even if He doesn’t answer.”
It isn’t.
“You know, just when I think I got you figured out, you always find a way to prove me wrong.” Remus ponders, almost to himself more than to Logan. “And you’re still boring even then.”
Logan doesn’t say anything, and Remus isn’t even sure he wants him to say anything, so he just slips out of the room as easily as he came and leaves Logan with his boring faith.
Guess he’ll have to bother Thomas some other morning.
5.
Janus would be lying if he said he’d offered Logan a glass of wine and a chat just because he was bored and wanted to gossip, so that’s what he’ll tell himself.
He’ll say it was just to talk about Roman and all his frustrating shenanigans, or to debate philosophy with the only other Side who actually gets it, or to just enjoy some peace and quiet without Remus involved.
He’ll say it’s all of that, so he doesn’t have to think about—
“What’s the matter?”
Janus blinks, coming back to himself in time to register the question Logan had just asked him.
“What makes you think something’s the matter?” he smoothly counters.
“The fact that you’ve been trailing off mid-sentence all evening, and that you’re clearly mentally preoccupied, just to start.”
Ah, Logan. Ever so observant.
“Remus tells me you pray,” he states, as tactlessly as Logan would have phrased it if the tables were turned.
Logan’s hand tenses against the wine glass. “What about it?”
“Nothing, I’m just curious.” Janus pauses, taking a sip of his wine as he mulls over what to say next. “I was so certain that you didn’t believe in Him.”
“Of course I do,” Logan responds, almost too quickly. “It’s what gives me the resolve to keep trying.”
“Even though He doesn’t listen, assuming He’s real at all?”
And even if He were, would God really be someone worth praying to? Janus thinks but doesn’t say.
At that, Logan almost seems to deflate a little. “He is real, even if He doesn’t hear me.”
“So you admit your prayers go unanswered, but you still pray anyway?”
His defensiveness is evident in the way he bristles. “Faith is a powerful motivator.”
Janus considers this, considers Logan, and before he can think about it he sets his glass down and fully faces him.
“So help me see it.”
Logan looks up in what looks like disbelief warring with hope.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Janus explains, leveling his tone and his gaze, “if it’s this important to you, show me why.”
“I don’t… understand.”
Oh, sweet thing.
“Logan,” Janus carefully clasps his hands before him, “would you guide me in prayer?”
The look on his face is priceless, to say the least. His eyes widen in surprise, confusion, elation, as the corner of his mouth threatens to upturn in the ghost of a hopeful smile.
And it all extinguishes as soon as it appeared.
“If you’re just trying to mock me…” Logan threatens, voice low and cold.
“Not at all, I promise,” Janus assures him. “And I know how to keep a secret. I just want to understand.”
Logan eyes him for a moment too long, debating with himself whether to trust this for what it is, and for a moment Janus worries he’ll say no.
Instead, Logan slowly folds his hands and lowers his head, waiting for Janus to do the same before closing his eyes.
“Dear Creator,”
An interesting title, but better than Father, he supposes.
“Thank you for the gifts we’ve so gratefully received today, and thank you for allowing me to share this moment in prayer with Janus. Bless him as I am blessed by you, and please share with him the guidance and wisdom that I have found in fealty to you. Please forgive us for our shortcomings, and grant us the grace to follow you unfailingly. Amen.”
Oh.
He understands now.
Because as he sees the serenity, the devotion on Logan’s face, the assuredness that this time, this time he’ll be saved, he finds that faith is a far stronger reinforcement than any of the lies he’s had to tell himself in order to keep going.
Because there is always the chance, however slim, that faith can be repaid in proof.
“Amen.”
+1.
The air leaves Logan in a rush as he giddily sinks into his room.
He listened. Thomas listened to him.
After so long of trying, pleading, begging, his prayers have finally been answered.
Thomas actually cleared today’s schedule, all for him. He took a whole day off and kept it, to finally organize the apartment as per Logan’s persistence.
He heard him, heard his prayer.
And now the apartment is clean, and Thomas feels more fulfilled, and Logan couldn’t be happier because he’s finally been seen.
Logan is hardly thinking as he kneels diligently by his bed, so consumed as he is by the elation of the day’s events.
He doesn’t even know where to begin when he starts his prayer, but he tries anyway.
For Him, he’ll always try.
Thomas, thank you.
Thank you for hearing me at long last, for finally answering my prayers and for proving that my work has not been in vain.
While I do not work for any great reward, nor do I expect acknowledgement of my efforts, the warmth of your gaze still feels like I’ve been gifted the heavens, and I want you to know I will not take this kindness for granted. I promise, I will work even harder to prove myself worthy of your love a second time, and I will continue to serve you even after then.
Amen.