Work Text:
"Hi I'm Tim and I'm ranking all of the nicknames that my boyfriend calls me!" Tim says to the set up camera in front of him, holding his phone in his hand to read out the texts.
Text:
I'm going to the grocery store, you want more pretzels?
Yes love you sweetheart
"7/10, sweetheart is great but I hear it all the time"
Text:
Yo Cass is back for a visit and she brought back that tea you like
Fuck yeah!!!!
"You are way too food motivated
Only things that motivate me are food, family, friends and you darling
"Darling 9/10, it makes me feel all soft inside."
Text:
I'm staying late, Pam from HR fucked up again.
Noooo what about the movie night we planned?
You can go ahead, but I'm not getting home for ages
Can I fight Pam on your behalf?
No, unfortunately not
I'll stay up for you, late night dinner before we snuggle
I'm not even sure if I'm even coming home tonight.
WTF sunshine that's not legal
Maybe, but who else is gonna do it
Tim looks up and says, "The rest has been removed for public safety, but Sunshine: 4/10 he only uses it when he's upset with something."
Text:
Babe
Babe
Babe
What
You left without kissing me goodbye
It was 6am
So? I always want a goodbye kiss, you owe me two when you get home
You impossible man
Your impossible man
"Babe 5/10 kind of basic."
Text:
Timtam
Timtam
No
You responded
Goodbye
Wait!
What
Look at this cat I just saw
"1/10 I don't even like Timtams, 10/10 for the cat though."
Text:
Yooooo I got tea
Scale of 1-10
Pam from HR got put on leave because she was caught with water delivery girl in a closet
I mean scandalous and fuck her but
Danny she's married to the head of marketing, James
OMGGGG YOU'RE LYING
NOOOOO I WAS STRUGGLING SO HARD TO NOT REACT
you're stronger than me starlight, I spat out my bubble tea all over myself
"8.5/10 I like starlight but he calls other people stars and it's too close to that, and that information is public before anyone comes for me and privacy."
Text:
I hate you
No you don't
You introduced me to your coworkers as Boo Thang, I literally saw some guy choke when I walked into the bar
Because you're my boo thang! I gotta keep all the posers back
What
We both know that people are weird about the Waynes, we're public but private about it
So?
I don't want any of my coworkers to think that they have the rights or access to you through me
You need a new job
Working on it
Why can't you work for WE?
Because you would be giving me a job
I am not involved in any hiring and we don't give a shit if you're involved with me, if you're not a good fit, then you won't get hired
Maybe I can look into this later
Please.
"Boo thang 0/10, however it did start the process for him working for WE so that was the real win."
Text:
Heeyyyy
WHAT DID YOU DO
why is your first assumption I did something wrong?
Because I'm getting 'moonbeam' did something sense tingling.
Why is that so accurate damn
What did you do
Okay so….
I'm waiting
…..wanna pick me up?
From where, aren't you at Dick's?
So we decided to go get food, and I might have, it's not a big deal actually I can get an uber
Tim.
I'm at Bludhaven General, I got lightly stabbed
WHAT
lightly!
How does one get "lightly stabbed?!?!" I'm getting my keys right now
Okay listen.
"Moonbeam 4/10, he only uses it when he knows I've fucked up in some way. Finally this was the best nickname."
Text:
When are you coming back?
I need to talk to the front desk staff
But I miss my fiancé
It's been 10 minutes!
When will he return from the war
Relax I'm heading back
Fuck yeah
"Fiancé: 12/10, the only one that is gonna be better is husband." Tim declares to the camera all proud and holding his hand up with the ring clearly visible. Suddenly off screen, there is noise and Tim looks distracted,
"Yo princess, where are you?" Danny walks into the room, "oh hello camera, hi Angel, what are you doing?"
Tim blushes, "I was rating all of the nicknames you've called me."
"Sounds fun, my turn! Get out!" Danny laughs and points to the door.
"What????"
"I wanna do it, and you got to do it alone without anyone overhearing you, now it's my turn!"
"Babe it's not that big of a deal!" Tim tries to argue.
"Babe: 7/10, it's fun but it's a standard," Danny says to the camera.
"Hey!"
"You'll see the results when everyone else does! Now get!" Danny commands, ushering Tim to the door.
"You're lucky that I need to go pick up dinner!" Tim retores as he's moved towards the door.
"Oh what are we getting?"
"I'm craving Thai, that sound good?"
"Yeah! Get me a Thai iced tea!"
"Absolutely not, you need to sleep tonight."
Off camera, you can hear a kissing sound and then a door closing noise.
Danny comes back into frame with a dopey look on his face.
"What am I doing? Oh yeah rating nicknames my partner uses on me. I have screenshots of some of my favourites and I don't feel like explaining the context so you're gonna get our unhingedness unfiltered," Danny holds his phone up in front of him ready to read.
Text:
Sweetie
What broke
What do you mean what broke
You only call me sweetie when you broke something and need me to fix it because you'll end up raging and breaking it
That is not true
The coffee maker you sent to a watery grave says otherwise
It had it coming, it looked at me funny and mislead me with the time
You forgot to reset it after a power reset
I was sleeping, how was I suppose to know?
Man I loved that machine, worked great
For you
So what did you break
…closet door
How
Don't ask questions you don't really want to know the answer to
"Sweetie: 4/10 because he sounds so cute when he says it in real life, but I know it's gonna be a lot of work."
Text:
Hey handsome
Yes I will swing by and remind your colleagues that you have a very adoring partner
Love you
Love you too
"Handsome: 6/10, once again he sounds cute but it's always purposeful."
Text:
Love
Who do I need to kill
Can you just come home and cuddle me
I'll grab some ice cream
You are the best thing that's ever happened to me
"Love 8/10, he only uses that when he's vulnerable but I love that he can be that open with me, it's hard for him."
Text:
My Darling Danny
You're not my Tim, who are you?!?!
Sjdiskf… God Dick is annoying
I clocked it immediately but I wanted to make him sweat a bit
How is that making him sweat?
He knows what he did
He got one thing right though
What?
He called you mine
Endosihamt;@.7sizjsn
Got'em
"Mine: 13/10 - I'm his!" Danny sings to himself looking super gleeful. "Finally the last one because our relationship is between us, you only get to see what we let you," Danny says unexpectedly serious into the camera.
Text:
Front Desk fucked up, I need to go deal with them
What did they do?
They have our dinner reservations under Drake and friend
Oh they just made a mistake
You are my fiancé, not my friend
Why not both?
You are my best friend, but you're my fiancé. That ring on your finger is not a friendship bracelet
Wait I wanna make jewelry with you!
I'd love to my beautiful fiancé but let's wait until we get back home, I gotta argue with some people first
Fiancé: 20/10, he's mine now! We locked each other down!!!
Danny looks up and speaks directly to the camera, "We're probably gonna edit this together and this video might be the public launch of our engagement. Just let me say, the only thing better than calling him my fiancé? Is gonna be calling him my husband."
Danny smirks at the camera, holds his hand up with the ring clearly visible and then walks over and smiles at the camera, "I love you Tim, I can't wait to be married to you." Danny walks forward and looks like he's turning off the camera and the screen goes blank.