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Sofie Bikes was sitting at a bar, drunk.
What else was she supposed to do? Dale had left her. Left her. For some tramp who did nothing but trash talk. Her bed wasn’t supposed to be her bed. It was supposed to be her and Dale’s bed, together. She was supposed to sleep with her cold feet pressed to Dale’s leg, tugging at the covers and listening to his snoring. But she ecouldn’t do that, because Dale was gone, and Sofie was alone and- And sleep just wasn’t easy for her, anymore. And so she was at the bar. She could probably keep this bar afloat if she was the only patron, with how much she’s been drinking lately. And, this late at night- this early in the morning- she was the only customer.
Not that Sofie minded.
She didn’t want to be bothered. All she wanted to do was drink. And drink. And drink. And forget. Yeah. That was a good set of priorities. Good plan, y’know? Steps one through three, drink herself silly. Step four, forget Dale and his stupid face and his stupid laugh and the stupid way he broke her heart. Step five, actually, yeah there was a step five now. Step five- go home and burn some of Dale’s stupid stuff. Like his baseball hats, the ones that she would borrow. Or his extra pair of glasses, the ones that had a crack in the frame but he still kept anyway, ‘just in case’. She wasn’t sure how they would burn, maybe she’d have to smash them instead, but- There were all these pieces of Dale, left everywhere, that she just couldn’t bear anymore. Hence, the drinking. It all led back to drinking. Drinking in a nearly empty bar, feeling alone, alone, alone-
And then she blinked, and suddenly she wasn’t alone anymore.
Had she fallen asleep, or something? Because one moment, she had been drinking alone, the only other person there the bartender. And then, the next moment, the bar was full. Not like a big hoard of people stormed in, or anything, but like- Like suddenly they just were all there. Like they had poofed into existence. Maybe she was drinking too much. Maybe she had fallen asleep at the bar, somehow. Maybe she was just plain going crazy. That was just what Sofie needed next. Alone, drunk, and crazy. Because, seriously, those people hadn’t been there a second ago. And- her drink was gone, Sofie realised, and the coaster her drink had been on, and-
And then the man next to Sofie grabbed her arm, faster than she could even really process what had happened.
“You weren’t there a second ago,” the man said, gruffly.9
“No, you weren’t there a second ago,” Sofie countered. “Now let go of me, you creep!”
“What are you?” The weird guy asked. He was wearing some kind of stupid jumpsuit. “A teleporter? A mutant? Or, god forbid, a wizard?”
“I’m a hairdresser,” Sofie said. She wrenched her arm out of the man’s grasp. “What are you, a stripper?”
“I’m a vigilante,” the man rasped. “The Punisher. You should be running in fear, right now.”
“Well, you look like a man in a onesie to me,” Sofie said. “And you still haven’t apologised for grabbing me.”
“And I won’t,” The Punisher replied. “Not until you tell me why you’re here.”
“Why are you here, huh?” Sofie asked. “Showing up out of nowhere, grabbing strangers wrists, being a fucking creep-“
“If you won’t tell me,” The Punisher said. “I’ll make you.”
“Like I said,” Sofie said, laughing. “You’re a creep.”
“That’s enough,” The Punisher growled. He grabbed Sofie’s wrist. Again. Rude. And this time, he pulled her off the barstool, and out of the bar. “You’ll tell me what I want to know.”
“I know nothing more about this whole thing than you do,” Sofie grumbled. “I was just minding my damn business.”
“We’ll see about that,” the Punisher huffed. He finally stopped dragging Sofie, leaving them both standing in the alleyway behind the bar. “You know, some people think that pain is the best motivator-“
Sofie didn’t give him enough time to finish his sentence. She kicked him, as hard as she could, and ran.
“Fucking creep!” Sofie yelled, just to be sure. “Dragging women into strange alley ways-“
“I didn’t mean it like that,” The Punisher growled, as he ran after her. “You teleported into the bar! You’re suspicious!”
“And you’re creepy!” Sofie shouted. “And, again, I didn’t do anything!”
“And why should I trust you?” The Punisher asked.
He had caught up to her, and tried to throw a punch. Sofie dodged it, easier than she would have thought- considered she was definitely drunk as fuck.
“With those fighting skills,” The Punisher continued. “You’re clearly a spy. An assassin, maybe.”
“I’m a hairdresser,” Sofie repeated. “The only things I’ve killed are spilt ends.”
“We’ll see about that,” The Punisher said.
He lunged at Sofie again, and she dodged the punch- but she didn’t dodge the needle he had hidden in his other hand.
“You motherfucker,” Sofie swore. “You say you’re not a creep, and then you fucking drug me-“
“It’s a truth serum,” The Punisher grit out. “Because I need answers.”
“Oh, great,” Sofie said. “It’s not bad to drug someone if it’s truth serum!”
The Punisher stared at her.
“That was sarcasm, to be clear,” Sofie said. “You’re still a creep.”
“Well, I might be a creep,” The Punisher said, blocking Sofie’s exit from the alley. “But let’s see what you are, huh?”
“I’m a hairdresser,” Sofie said, for the third time that night- that morning? It was definitely bright out outside. Fuck. “Just a hairdresser.”
“Not an assassin?” The Punisher asked. “Not a cop?”
“Fuck no,” Sofie said. “A hairdresser. A recently single hairdresser who would really like to go back to drinking my sorrows again, thank you. And be roughed up not in an alleyway, thank you. I did not mean to say that, why did I say that-“
“Truth serum, remember?” The Punisher said.
“Creep,” Sofie said. It was like a mantra, at this point. “You’re a creep, and I’m drunk, and I really should just punch you but who’s to say that this stupid drug isn’t going to kill me if I don’t get the antidote or something-“
“Why are you here?” The Punisher asked, cutting her off. “How did you get here?”
“I didn’t get anywhere,” Sofie huffed. “You got here. I was just sitting at the bar and then, you know, suddenly a whole bunch more people were there, and the bartender changed hair colours, and it was weird.”
“You were in the same bar…” The Punisher said, slowly. “But with less people in it? Different people?”
“Duh,” Sofie said. “Which you’d have known, if you’d listen to me. Why is it men never listen?”
“I’m not touching that with a ten foot pole,” The Punisher said, gruffly.
“Because men don’t talk about their feelings,” Sofie griped. “And they just leave you, out of the blue, for some skank-“
“You really have a lot to unpack, huh?” The Punisher asked.
“No,” Sofie moaned. “I have a lot to pack. All of Dale’s things, that he didn’t even care enough about to bring with him when he left me for Isabella. Fucking Isabella! And so now I have to pack up all of his things, and give them to her-“
“Let’s get back on the topic of how you got here,” The Punisher said, slowly.
“How did I get here?” Sofie asked. She was maybe crying at this point, she wasn’t sure. “Here, in an apartment all alone, with an empty bed and an empty kitchen and making meals that serve two even when I know it’ll only be me eating. And here, in this stupid, dark alleyway, grabbed by some stranger who doesn’t even want to listen to my problems-“
“I really don’t,” The Punisher said.
“Well! Too bad!” Sofie cried out. “You’re the one who drugged me, so you get to hear about me, and Dale, and how my love is so screwed up and I keep giving people awful bangs, and I nearly made some poor woman’s hair fall out because I mismeasured the bleach, yesterday-“
“And you’re gonna make my hair fall out, just via sheer boredom,” The Punisher said.
“Again, your fault,” Sofie huffed. “This is why you don’t drug strangers.”
The Punisher sighed. "You really don’t know how things- changed, for you? How you suddenly got here?”
“I really don’t,” Sofie said. “I’m as confused as you are. More confused, actually, because I’m the one who got dragged around and drugged for no reason.”
“Hey, you held your own,” The Punisher said. “Where the hell you!d learn to kick like that?”
Sofie shrugged. “I get feisty when I’m drunk.”
“Well, it’s a hell of a kick,” The Punisher said. He tilted his head, clearly thinking. “Want to go get a burger?”
“You drag me, fight me, drug me, and question me,” Sofie said, slowly. “And now you want to just go and get a damn burger?”
“Well, yes,” The Punisher said. “I- I really did think you were some sort of villain, when I drugged you.”
“You’re paranoid as hell, has anyone told you that?” Sofie asked. And then she paused. “Wait a second, was that you apologising?”
“I don’t apologize,” The Punisher said, gruffly. “But- I don’t attack civilians, generally. As a rule.”
Sofie laughed. “Fuck it, then. Let’s go get a burger.”
“The truth serum should wear all the way off, soon,” The Punisher said, as he began to walk away from the alley. “You coming?”
“Yeah,” Sofie said. “I’m coming. I’m way too drunk for directions, though.”
“I can get us to a damn burger,” The Punisher said.
He strode out of the alley and through the city, Sofie following behind. At least this time she wasn’t being dragged. It was- okay, it was a little bit of an awkward walk, considering that he had just, you know, drugged her for maybe good reasons but not really, and she had just cried all over him for actually good reasons that were not her fault at all. But it was a short walk, at the very least, if a weird one. Sofie nearly walked into street lamps a couple of times. Amd almost got hit by a car, because she had thought the crosswalk was a few feet further than it actually was. God, she really was drunk, huh? Maybe drunker than she thought, she realised, when they finally stopped walking.
“Wait,” Sofia paused. “Isn’t this where the pizza place is?”
“The only pizza place near here is like, ten minutes away,” The Punisher said. “You really are too drunk for directions.”
“No, I’m pretty sure it’s a pizza place,” Sofie said.
“Do you want a burger or not?” The Punisher asked.
“I’d rather have the shitty pizza,” Sofie said.
“I ain’t walking ten minutes for you,” The Punisher said. “We’re having burgers. Or you can just- go home.”
“Sure,” Sofie said, walking inside. “Let’s have some burgers, creep.”
Sofie stared at the menu. “This is not the Burger King menu.”
“Yes, it is,” The Punisher said. “What the hell are you confused about?”
“There’s something on here called a Whooper,” Sofie said, grumpily. “The hell is a Whooper? It’s a Whopper.”
“Why the hell would it be a Whopper?” The Punisher said. “No way. It’s a Whooper.”
“It’s not!” Sofie cried out. “I’ve eaten enough burgers while drunk to know that it’s a Whopper! So what the hell is going on here?”
“Are you gonna order?” The cashier asked.
Sofie sighed. “I want a Whopper. Or a Whooper. Whatever. And a large drink. And you’re paying, creep.”
“Fine,” The Punisher said.
In the time that they waited for their food, Sofie had a realisation. She wasn’t sure if it was right, or not- So it was like a hypothesis, or something. But she was pretty sure it was right. It explained the thing at the bar, and the thing with the pizza place, and the fact that they were apparently called Whoopers here, what the fuck. So- yeah. Sofie had a guess on what was going on, actually. A pretty good guess, by the time their food was ready. They walked over and found a table, sitting near the back door of the Burger King. As soon as they were both sitting, Sofie slammed down her food, and put on her serious face.
“I think I’m in the wrong universe,” Sofie declared.
“What the fuck?” The Punisher asked.
“I mean it,” Sofie said. “It makes sense!”
“How on earth does that make sense?” The Punisher asked.
“You were ready to accept teleporting,” Sofie said. “Or that I was like- an assassin.”
“So?” The Punisher asked.
“So,” Sofie stressed. “Why can’t I be somehow in the wrong dimension?”
“Because,” The Punisher said. “Wouldn’t you know if you were in the wrong dimension?”
“I do know!” Sofie said. “Because of-“
“Do not say the Whooper thing,” The Punisher said.
“Because of the Whooper Thing!” Sofie exclaimed. “And, well, all of the other stuff. But mostly the Whooper Thing.”
“No,” The Punisher said.
“Yes,” Sofie said. “And you don’t get to deem if something is stupid or not. You thought I was there to like- kill you or something.”
“You could kill someone with those kicks, if you wanted to,” The Punisher said.
Sofie opened her mouth to reply, but she was cut off by two people walking over to find a seat- one in a weird outfit like ‘The Punisher’ was in.
“Punisher,” the red guy said, flatly. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Eating a burger,” The Punisher said, gruffly. He had mustard on his chin.
“Are you burgerphobic?” Sofie asked.
“No,” the red guy said, holding up his own burgers. He turned to face Sofie. “Who is this?”
“No one,” Punisher said.
“I’m from another dimension,” Sofie said at exact same time.
The Punisher sighed. Sofie laughed.
“Oh,” Daredevil said. “And you decided to hang out with a murderer why, exactly?”
The Punisher was a murderer? Okay, maybe that made the truth serum thing make more sense, actually.
“Like you’re any better,” The Punisher said.
“Another dimension, you say?” The guy behind the red guy, who Sofie had barely even noticed- which was kind of a feat, considering he was wearing a mesh shirt and a cowboy hat, like he had just left a bachelorette party- asked. “Like- another New York, without superheroes and giant robots and shit?”
“Exactly,” Sofie said, excited. “Are you… not from here, either?”
“I dunno,” the cowboy hat man said. “I looked up and suddenly there was a robot.”
Sofie laughed. And then she paused. Maybe he knew what the hell was going on. It was just a guess, something inside her that begged her to ask-
“And your New York, did it have any magic at all?”
“No magic,” the man said. “Unless hallucinations count as magic.”
“Wait,” Sofie said, suddenly knowing exactly what to ask. “Is this a pizza place in your New York?”
“Yes!” The man cried out. “Thank you! Finally someone knows their shit!”
Sofie laughed, to hide her relief. “Now we just need to figure out how the fuck to get back to that universe with a pizza place.”
“Even if it’s a shitty pizza place,” Pete added.
Sofie frowned. It wasn’t a shitty pizza place, thank you very much. “How the hell are we meant to do that?”
“I know someone who can help,” the red guy piped up. “I think.”
“Who?” Sofie asked.
“A wizard,” the weird red guy said.
That wasn't any weirder than the truth serum thing, honestly.
“A wizard?” Sofie asked. “And he can get us back?”
“I hope,” the red guy said. “Or he’ll know some who will, at least.”
“If you’re even in the wrong dimension,” The Punisher grit out.
“Oh come on,” Sofie said. “I totally am. And so is this guy! What’s your name, this guy?”
The guy laughed. “I’m Pete. That’s Daredevil.”
“I’m Sofie,” Sofie said. “That’s The Punisher. He’s a creep.”
“He’s a murderer,” Daredevil pointed out.
“I kinda got the vibe,” Sofie said. “He drugged me. And attacked me.”
“Will you stop lording that over my head?” The Punisher asked. “Like, come on!”
“You got free drugs?” Pete asked. “Unfair! All I got was glass stuck in my arm!”
“They weren’t even good drugs,” Sofie said. “It was truth serum.”
“Ew,” Pete said.
“Why did you drug an innocent bystander?” Daredevil asked.
The Punisher raised an eyebrow. Sofie diligently ignored everything that was going on with that.
“This wizard,” Sofie said, changing the topic. “Is he- in New York? Can we like… get to him?”
“Yeah,” Daredevil said. “He’s across the city, though. We’re gonna have to talk the subway.”
Pete laughed. “Do you just take the subway in your- get up?”
“You don’t get to talk,” The Punisher said. “You’re wearing a cowboy hat.”
“You’re… wearing a cowboy hat,” Daredevil said, slowly. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
“You didn’t see the cowboy hat?” Sofie asked. “It’s like, the only thing I can see.”
“I honestly forgot I was wearing it,” Pete said.
“It was dark out,” Daredevil said, slowly.
“He’s blind,” The Punisher said, at the same time.
“You’re just going to tell them?” Daredevil asked.
“Don’t out him, dude,” Pete said.
“Does that count as outing?” Sofie asked
“Hey, your Wizard is gonna get them back to their dimension, right? It’s not a security breach or anything,” The Punisher said.
“Dick,” Daredevil huffed.
“Whatever,” Pete said. “Can we just go off and see the Wizard, now? Whoever this fucking guy is?”
“Was that a fucking Wizard of Oz joke?” Sofie asked. “I fucking love you!”
“What the hell is the Wizard of Oz?” The Punisher asked.
Sofie and Pete grimaced at the same time. “We’re totally in the wrong universe.”
“Can we like… eat our burgers first, actually?” Daredevil asked. “We didn’t actually get to eat-“
“Oo, yes please, actually,” Pete said.
“Fine,” Sofie said. “I’ll live in a world where they’re called Whoopers for even longer.”
“Wait,” Pete said. “They’re called Whoopers here?”
“That’s not weird,” Punisher grumbled. “You’re weird.”
“This whole thing is weird,” Sofie said, as she resumed eating her burger.
Huh, she realised, as she ate. That was the longest she had gone without thinking about Dale since he’d left.