Work Text:
It was a dark, stormy night. Javier and Lloyd were cooped up in the estate, trying to go to sleep amidst the lightning and thunder.
"Master Lloyd, since we can't sleep, may I suggest something else we could do to pass the time?"
"Yes, dear Javier?" Lloyd asked, secretly hoping that the way to 'pass the time' would involve marriage-
"Marriage," Javier said, and then Lloyd's heart went all a-flutter.
"I- of course, yes!" Lloyd said, his heart beating in his chest faster than women ran away from him. Javier… actually wanted a guy like him? He almost couldn't believe it, if not for the way Javier's eyes looked honest and true.
"We'll go to Solitas for a ring as soon as the storm clears, my love," Javier said, taking his fiance's hand in his own, and kissing it like a true gentleman.
I, as a person not in the age of majority in my country, am not authorized to write about what happened next.
~~~
In just a few short weeks, it was time for the marriage. It had gone by faster than Lloyd could have ever imagined, it seemed as if Javier had planned everything before he even proposed.
Lloyd stood at the altar, waiting for his love to walk through. He looked into the audience; there were his summons, his mother [for his father was walking Javier through], and a special blue box.
Despite Alicia being missing (probably because of queen stuff), it would be the perfect wedding.
As Lloyd nervously fidgeted with the tie of his suit, the doors of the chapel opened. There was his Draggy! His (now Wild Kratts miniaturized) tail wag as he shook the flower basket in his maw, spreading roses of love all over everyone. Nobody seemed to mind, though.
And, after Draggy was done, Lloyd saw the love of his entire life for the first time in three days.
Javier was absolutely gorgeous. His hair was done flawlessly, the extensions trailing down his back looking natural. His dress was beautiful, too, done in delicate lace that highlighted the hard-earnt muscle and scars on his arms, while still giving him the look of a delicate flower. His tiger lily. A thin veil covered his face, but Lloyd knew that soon enough, he'd be reunited with his lover, and then united forever and ever.
As Javier stepped up onto the altar, fidgeting with the blue-and-brown boquet in his hands, Solitas spoke up (he'd became a reverend ever since he realized romance would never be in the cards for him. He did not get married, Skylar. He was the one who married.)
"Now, does the bride promise to forever love her-I mean his-husband, forever and ever?"
"Yes!" Javier gleamed.
"And I'm assuming the groom does as well?" Solitas said, guessing at the way Lloyd's face was a whole hot potato.
"Of course!" He said.
"Well, are there any objections? Speak now or forever hold your peas-I mean peace. I fucking hate peas-"
"STOP!"
Suddenly, the Queen of Magentano herself, Alicia Termina Magentano, burst down the aisle, in an elaborate wedding dress and heels she managed to run in.
"… Alicia?" Lloyd asked. Why was she here in a wedding dress? Why did she object? Tears started to well up in his eyes, he didn't want his marriage to ruin one of his longest friendships!
"I… I love you, Lloyd Frontera, and more than that Asrahan ever will!" She exclaimed, doing an acrobatic fucking pirouette off of Pudding (Or was it Puding?)'s snout-handle, and onto the altar.
"Lloyd!" Javier shouted, tears welling up in his eyes. "Don't listen to her! I love you more than she ever will! And, and, think of the tax benefits! Ever since the yaoi incident of 1967, gay couples get twice the tax benefits! Think of the money, Lloyd! The money!"
Money?, Lloyd thought, his eyes switching between Javier and Alicia. Why does he think he can win me over with money? I love him, but he should know I'm not that shallow!
"Twice the tax benefits? Lloyd, if you marry me, I'll waive ALL of your taxes! For the rest of your life!" Alicia begged.
"G-Guys…" Lloyd said, tears welling up in his eyes, too. "I'm…"
"I'm not that easy! I'm not shallow! I don't just care about money! I've been friends with you two for so long, and you can't even recognize that? And…
And why didn't you just tell me about your feelings before the wedding, Alicia? You're-*sniff*-you're ruining the big day! I don't know if I wanna get married at all anymore!" Lloyd cried, jumping off of the alter, and running away, only to bump into—
"Credos? Previous Demon Lord before I took the role?" Lloyd gasped at the mere glance of gorgeous booty he caught before running into the quickly redressed Demon Lord Emeritus (Credos hadn't figured out how to open doors yet, so he was still using the booty method).
Talking about him getting dressed, Credos was wearing a wedding suit. If there wasn't that whole tax drama, Lloyd would have thought that Alicia and Credos were somehow crashing the party to tie the knot alongside them.
Alas, this short-lived hope was crushed when Credos pushed Javier out of the way and cried, "Javier, you fucking cunt! You said you loved me!"
"Dun dun duuuuuuun," Kougar said.
"Not the time, Kougar!" Emily and Greg said, at the same time.
"He… He what now?" Lloyd said, tears once again welling up in his eyes. That-that couldn't be true! Javier loved him! He said he was his only one!
"Lloyd, I can explain! He was a fling back in middle school-" Javier tried to explain, but Credos electrocuted him (and incidentally Alicia as well, since they were sparring at the time) before he could continue.
"No! Don't lie to him like you did to me! You married me too! Over two hundred years ago! And when you left 10 years ago, you told me you were going to war in Afghanistan!"
Lloyd stood in shock, in terror, and, literally, in Louboutins. Javier had married Lord Credos? But… Why?
"But guess what?" Credos continued, "When I searched up Afghanistan, I learned that that war ended in 1967, the same time the Demon Lord bill was established, giving every person that married a demon lord tax benefits! I didn't know about that bill when you proposed, you stupid user!"
"Dun dun duuuun! Lloyd's about to make a realization!" Kougar said.
"Not the time, Kougar!" Greg, Emily, and Sir Bayern said, at the same time.
Lloyd almost broke down, but no, he needed to make it official.
"Javier… When I saw those books on taxes in your room, I thought it was because you wanted to help me with filing taxes, not use me for tax money! I…
"I want a divorce!"
"But you two haven't kissed yet! Nothing is official!" Solitas said.
"Then I refuse to marry you, Javier! I'm leaving, and I'm taking the cake with me!" Lloyd said, stomping out of the chapel with his red-soled high heels.
But, of course, not before stealing the giant-ass wedding cake about to be cut.
~~~
Lloyd sat leaning on a tree, sobbing, still in his wedding clothes. He couldn't believe that Javier would two-time him, and do such a thing! He also felt horrendously for Credos, how horrible it must feel to have your husband leave for a decade and start a whole other marriage!
He hoped that Credos was doing alright.
Then, he saw a figure walking up to him. It was…
"Credos? Previous Demon Lord before I took the role?" Lloyd gasped again (but there was no booty this time, this tree didn't have a door like most ones in the county).
"I… I wanted to apologize, on Javier's behalf. It must feel horrible to be humiliated like that on your wedding day," Credos said. Lloyd patted down the grass next to him, and Credos sat down beside the estate developer.
"It's not your fault, Credos. You got swindled with love, too," Lloyd comforted the Demon Lord Emeritus, holding his hand.
"Now, me and my summons simply can't eat this cake all by ourselves! Would you be so kind as to partake?" Lloyd gestured to the giant-ass wedding cake he had brought with him.
Credos nodded, and so, they spent their afternoon talking about how Javier wasn't all that fine anyways, and eating a giant-ass wedding cake.
~~~
It had been a few months since the wedding incident. Javier had left the estate to escape the mockery of the villagers, but he still faced prosecution, even in Magentano with Alicia. Javier and Alicia had started an uneasy kismesissitude because nobody else would date them in any quadrant after their tax-frauding ways.
Over the seasons, Lloyd and Credos had bonded, finding joy in smashing cakes in each other's faces and shit-talking Javier.
It was another dark, stormy night.
"Lloyd?" Lord Credos asked, looking at his new friend.
"Yes, Creedy-poo?" Lloyd said.
"I… I've been meaning to ask you about this for a m-month now… I…."
"You want to marry me!!" Lloyd jumped the gun.
"Yes!" Credos said, "Yes yes yes! Will, will you marry me, Lloyd Frontera?"
"Yes, Credos, previous Demon Lord before I took the role!" Lloyd said, kissing the new love of his life right then and there.
Instead of doing things that I'm not authorized to discuss as a minor in my country, Lloyd and Lord Credos spent the rest of the night watching 50 First Dates and Eight Crazy Nights.
~~~
Once again, it was time for the marriage. This time, Lloyd had decided to switch it up, wearing the dress now instead of his to-be husband. His heart pounded as he stood at the altar.
What if… What if what happened last time happens again? Lloyd couldn't help but think. The last time he stood at an altar like this…
Lloyd then looked out into the pew. There was Sir Bayern's mastodons, the orcs, the elves, the skeletons, and even some demons. And, of course, a certain blue box.
Lloyd reminded himself. He had finally found a man that really loved him. He wouldn't be hurt again, not with Creedy-poo.
Suddenly… The door opened, and Credos stepped through! He had finally figured out doors. Lloyd was so happy with his husband and his new found skill, he did a acrobatic fucking pirouette off the altar and into Credos' arms.
Solitas smiled, seeing couples always filled the hole in his heart. "Now, I'm assuming we're never leaving each other, wind or sun, hail or snow, blah blah blah?"
Credos and Lloyd nodded.
"Aight, peas, peace, whatver, y'all can kiss now."
And so, Credos and Lloyd officiated their marriage.
~~~
Javier and Alicia were dueling outside of the chapel to see who would crash the wedding, when all of the sudden, Kougar, Emily, Greg, Draggy, and Sir Bayern stood in front of them.
Alicia and Javier saw Draggy's impending angry eyes, and immediately wet themselves.
"Can I say it now…?" Kougar asked.
"Yes, Kougar, it's the time," Greg, Emily, Sir Bayern, and Draggy said.
At the same time.
"Dun dun DUUUUUN!"
And then, Alicia and Javier got beaten the fuck up, the end.