Work Text:
CHARACTERS:
4CVIT – gambling his life away.
THE GOD OF ROGUES – easily entertained.
SETTING: a farkle table.
TIME: up.
[playwright’s note: double slashes (//) indicate overlapping lines.]
[Lights up on a glass box floating over the Void. It is completely empty save for a man in a hooded cloak, pacing.]
4CVIT
Nononononono, come on, this can’t be– we can talk about this. We can talk about this! I just need one more day; I just need to win a few more games–
THE GOD OF ROGUES
And what makes you think you deserve that?
[4C looks around wildly. Of course, there is no one else on stage, as it is a glass box. Also, he is talking to a god.]
4CVIT
I–
THE GOD OF ROGUES
You have been pushing my limits since the very first time I met you, 4CVIT. I can barely go a week without you breaking one rule or another. Why should I grant you this mercy, this respect, when you clearly have none for me?
4CVIT
But I do! I respect you! A lot.
THE GOD OF ROGUES
…You have a funny way of showing respect, then.
4CVIT
Um–
THE GOD OF ROGUES
You’re still getting your soul reaped, though–
4CVIT
What? No, nonono, you can’t do this!
THE GOD OF ROGUES
You’ll find that I can and I will, 4C.
[A glass block breaks behind 4C, making him flinch and scramble to the other side of the box.]
4CVIT
But–
THE GOD OF ROGUES
It was in the deal. I don’t take my word lightly, and I never go back on it.
[Another glass block shatters, closer this time.]
4CVIT
Wait, wait, waitwaitwaitwaitwait, what about– what if I play against you?
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Pardon?
4CVIT
I– I mean, you’re a god, right? And you’re probably worth, um, ten games of farkle? Twenty? Maybe even–
[He pauses to count on his fingers, muttering under his breath.]
4CVIT
Thirty-seven?
THE GOD OF ROGUES
You think I’m only worth thirty-seven farkle games.
4CVIT
Um, maybe a hundred! Two hundred! I dunno.
THE GOD OF ROGUES
And your point is?
4CVIT
Right! Right, okay. So. If I beat you in a game of farkle, I get to keep my soul! And if I don’t, I– I guess I’ll have my soul reaped. ‘Cause I only– I only had thirty-seven farkle games left to win, and you’re worth, um, a whole lot of them.
THE GOD OF ROGUES
And what would I get out of this… arrangement?
4CVIT
Uh… you’re doing this out of the goodness of your heart?
[A very, very long beat of silence.]
THE GOD OF ROGUES
(aggravated sigh) Fine. I will grant you this one // time–
4CVIT
YES!–
THE GOD OF ROGUES
But! If you invoke my wrath again, I will not hesitate to strike you down where you stand. Understood?
4CVIT
(nodding eagerly) Yes! Yeah, okay, sure.
[Sound of fingers snapping. A farkle table appears in the middle of the glass box, dice and all. 4C settles down on the right.]
THE GOD OF ROGUES
First to three thousand?
4CVIT
Yup.
[4C rolls.]
(two fives, a six, a three, two fours)
4CVIT
Two fives… um.
[4C hesitates, glancing from the dice to the empty spot in front of him.]
4CVIT
I’ll bank.
THE GOD OF ROGUES
So early? Interesting.
(three sixes, two threes, one two)
THE GOD OF ROGUES
I shall also bank.
(two fours, one three, one six, one two)
4CVIT
Oh, come on! You’re rigging this!
THE GOD OF ROGUES
There are much more entertaining ways to win than simply rigging a game. I will never stoop that low.
4CVIT
You’re literally the god of rogues.
(a one, two fives, a four, two threes)
THE GOD OF ROGUES
So I am. I’ll bank.
4CVIT
Oh, thank god.
(two ones, a six, a five, two fours)
THE GOD OF ROGUES
You’re welcome.
4CVIT
Shut up. I’m, um, hmm. I’m keeping the ones.
(a two, a three, two fours)
4CVIT
What? No, nonononono–
(two fours, two threes, one six, one five)
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Hmm. I’ll keep the five.
(two ones, a four, two threes)
4CVIT
You can go again, please go again–
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Unlike you, 4CVIT, I know when to stop. I’ll bank.
(three ones, two sixes, one two)
4CVIT
What’s that supposed to mean? I’ve stopped plenty of times!
THE GOD OF ROGUES
You always push your luck too far, 4C. You’re lucky you haven’t done that to me when I’m in less of a forgiving mood, or you would’ve been a pile of ashes for a long time now.
4CVIT
I have never done that in my life. I’m keeping the ones.
(two fours, a six)
4CVIT
Um.
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Uh-huh.
(a one, three twos, two threes)
THE GOD OF ROGUES
I’ll bank.
4CVIT
Okay, but, I’ve never– I don’t–
(a five, a one, three sixes, a four)
THE GOD OF ROGUES
You do, 4C. You keep pushing and pushing and expecting everything to part under // the force–
4CVIT
I don’t! I’m not!
THE GOD OF ROGUES
It’s the truth, 4C.
4CVIT
…Bank.
THE GOD OF ROGUES
(pleased) There we go.
(a one, two sixes, two fours, a three)
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Ba–
4CVIT
I’m not pushing, okay?
[A beat.]
4CVIT
Sorry. But I’m not! I’ve never– I’d never push anyone or– or anything. I’ve been trying! I don’t– I’ve never wanted to be a burden. I just– I don’t push. Don’t say I do that. I don’t.
THE GOD OF ROGUES
…Bank.
[4C lets out a frustrated sigh.]
(four ones, a two, a three)
4CVIT
Wow. Wow, okay, I see how it is. You don’t need to give me pity rolls–
THE GOD OF ROGUES
What are you talking about? Those are perfectly normal and // fair rolls–
4CVIT
I’m keeping the ones.
(two ones)
4CVIT
Okay, these are quite literally // pity rolls
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Why would you not bank those?
4CVIT
Don’t tell me what to do.
…Bank.
(four fives, two threes)
THE GOD OF ROGUES
See? Not pity rolls. You’re just lucky.
4CVIT
Uh-huh. If you // say so
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Bank.
4CVIT
It’s like– it’s just luck, anyway. This game is just luck and gambling // and–
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Which is why you shouldn’t put it all on the line. What you’re doing is an extremely suboptimal play. Why are you going all in just to lose it anyway?
4CVIT
Not all the time! I’ve only farkled twice, maybe three times // this game
(two sixes, a one, two fours, a two)
THE GOD OF ROGUES
It’s not just this game. It’s no wonder you keep losing.
4CVIT
…I’m keeping the one.
(two threes, a two, a six, a four)
THE GOD OF ROGUES
See what I mean?
4CVIT
Shut up. I’m only… three hundred points behind you, and I’ve already passed two thousand points.
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Mhm.
4CVIT
Why are you giving me advice, anyway? It’s // not like–
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Because you are still my patreon, 4CVIT.
4CVIT
(spluttering) Well– then don’t reap my soul! You can call off this farkle game and I can get back // in one piece
THE GOD OF ROGUES
No.
(three twos, a four, two threes)
4CVIT
Can you just let me finish my sentence for once?
[A beat.]
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Why should I? You’re not saying anything that matters.
4CVIT
That’s not the // point!
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Bank.
4CVIT
I– okay. Okay! I see how it is. Fine.
(three ones, a five, two threes)
4CVIT
Bank.
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Hmm. Well.
4CVIT
WAIT. Wait, did I?–
THE GOD OF ROGUES
…I suppose you have.
4CVIT
Oh, this is great! This is– yes, okay! Okay.
[A glass block shatters behind 4C. He flinches violently.]
4CVIT
Wait. Wait, what are you doing–
THE GOD OF ROGUES
Don’t worry about it!
[Another block shatters. 4C scrambles onto the farkle table.]
4CVIT
Nonononononono, not again, not again, you said I’d be // free!
THE GOD OF ROGUES
I never agreed to not reaping your soul, just the game of farkle.
4CVIT
What? What, no, you can’t do this! You can’t do this! I won. I won!
THE GOD OF ROGUES
I can do this, 4CVIT. In fact, I should.
[The curtains start to close slowly. The lights on stage dim.]
4CVIT
No, no, no, no, no, come on, come on–
[Glass shatters.]
4CVIT
Stop doing that!
I– you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to–
[The curtain falls.]
[4C screams, long and drawn-out.]
[End play.]