Archive of Our Own

Someone's Someone

Being a writer means living in a world that wakes when others sleep and Joshua embodies this truth. 

The night is his sanctuary where inspiration whispers through the quiet, coaxing words from the recesses of his mind. He’s grown accustomed to this rhythm, finding solace in nocturnal musings. His mother doesn’t understand it, of course, her concerned reminders about his erratic sleep schedule met with a gentle smile and vague reassurances.

This morning, however, deviates from the norm. Golden light streams through his window as he wakes earlier than usual, the world still shaking off its slumber. He groans softly, dragging his phone from the bedside table. Its cold surface a stark contrast to the warmth of his blankets. The notes app is the first to greet him, chaotic sentences from last night’s creative burst staring back at him. It’s messy but it’s progress, he tells himself, though the typos hint at either exhaustion or the coffee he indulged in while writing.

Switching off airplane mode, a cascade of notifications fills his screen. Most are from the writers’ group he joined a week ago, a digital haven of shared struggles and triumphs. But one notification stands out. An email linking him to a group chat with his old university classmates. He hesitates before tapping it open, curiosity tinged with bittersweet nostalgia.

The messages feel like a time capsule, bringing back memories of laughter echoing through campus halls and long nights spent cramming for exams. Scrolling through the names, he feels the pull of familiarity and the bittersweet ache of time passed. Then, he sees a name that stops him short. A name tied to countless moments of quiet frustration and unspoken longing.

Yoon Jeonghan was the star of their trio back in university, a natural leader with charisma that seemed to draw everyone into his orbit. Choi Seungchol, the second person in their group, was his loyal companion, kind but often swept up in the latter’s glow. Meanwhile, he was the quiet one, the shadow in their vibrant dynamic. He contributed tirelessly to their group projects but the credit always seemed to bypass him, landing squarely on Jeonghan’s shoulders. The imbalance had gnawed at him back then, though he’d buried the resentment deep, unwilling to let it poison their friendship.

Now, staring at Jeonghan’s profile picture, Joshua feels a pang of something he can’t quite name. Jeonghan has changed, barely aged, but there’s something else, a weight in his gaze that wasn’t there before. Joshua lingers on the photo, memories of their college days mingling with the present. He thinks of Seungcheol, too, wondering if they’ve stayed close all these years, their bond unbroken despite his absence. The idea of reconnecting both excites and terrifies him. College feels like a lifetime ago, a chapter he’s long since closed. Yet the thought of seeing them again stirs something in him, a longing to reclaim a piece of his past. He spends the day in a haze of indecision, torn between the safety of solitude and the allure of rekindling old connections.

As evening falls, he finds himself standing outside the venue for the reunion, the muffled sounds of laughter and music filtering through the door. His heart pounds in his chest, each beat a question. Will they remember him? Will he still be the outsider, the quiet one, on the fringes of their vibrant world? Or can he carve out a new place for himself, one where he’s seen and valued for who he is now?

Taking a deep breath, Joshua takes a step inside, breaching the doorstep. The night, as always, holds the promise of possibility.

The party pulses with energy, the music pounding through the air, a relentless beat that vibrates in his chest. Laughter and conversation weave through the melody, creating a cacophony that makes him feel even more like an outsider. Everyone seems to know everyone else, picking up threads of old conversations like no time has passed. They laugh and hug, reminiscing about moments he vaguely remembers or perhaps never knew.

He glances around, a twinge of envy gnawing at him. They stayed connected. He didn’t. He had convinced himself that starting over, moving to another country, would bring fulfillment. But even now, surrounded by unfamiliar faces, the hollow feeling lingers. He weaves through the crowd, avoiding eye contact, aiming for the buffet table as if it’s a lifeline. His hand reaches for a glass just as someone bumps into him. The impact is slight but it sends a ripple through his already frazzled nerves. He steps back, muttering an apology, only to freeze when the stranger turns around.

“I’m sorry,” the man says, bowing his head slightly. His voice is warm, deep, yet familiar.

Joshua’s breath catches as he takes in the figure before him. The boy he remembers is gone. The man standing here is broader, taller and carries himself with a quiet confidence that makes his heart race. His short hair frames a face that’s more defined, his features sharper, his presence magnetic.

The man looks at him, tilting his head. “I didn’t mean to bump into you.”

“It’s no problem,” Joshua manages, his voice steadier than he feels.

The man’s brow furrows slightly, studying him. “You look familiar.”

He lets out a soft laugh, shaking his head. “It would be strange not to recognize your senior.” The words escape before he can second-guess them and he instantly regrets it. Though, the reaction he gets outpower the regret as recognition flashes in the young man’s eyes.

“Joshua?” the man exclaims, his eyes widening in surprise. Recognition floods his expression and he steps closer, his gaze taking in his state from head to toe. “It’s you.”

Joshua nods, offering a small smile, though his heart is pounding. He’s dressed differently tonight—softer and more deliberate in his appearance. His hair, styled into a loose mullet, frames his face and his clothes fit in a way that feels both unfamiliar and oddly empowering. Standing here now, he wonders if the changes are too much, if he’s unrecognizable to those who once knew him.

“You—” the young man starts, then pauses, clearly searching for the right words.

“Look different,” Joshua finishes for him, laughing nervously.

Mingyu doesn’t deny it. Instead, he raises an eyebrow, his lips quivering into a grin. “You do. You look… pretty. I never thought I’d say that one day. Not that it’s a bad thing or anything. You look amazing, hyung.”

Joshua feels heat rise to his cheeks at the compliment. It’s not the first time he’s been called pretty, but the way the younger one says it—so genuine, so full of delight—makes his heart flutter. “Thank you. You’re… buff.”

Mingyu laughs, a rich, warm sound that draws a reluctant smile from him. It’s the same laugh he remembers and hearing it again feels like coming home. “How have you been?” He asks as they move toward the buffet together, the crowd around them fading into the background.

“Good.” He replies simply, his voice steady, though his thoughts feel anything but.

“I’m happy to hear that,” Mingyu says, offering a drink. 

Their fingers brush lightly, a fleeting touch that shouldn’t mean anything, yet it sends a jolt through his chest. His pulse quickens, the sensation startling in its intensity. He tells himself it’s been too long since he’s had this kind of interaction, that the warmth blooming in his chest is nothing more than the effect of isolation. Still, he takes the drink, gripping the cool glass as if it might anchor him.

“Thank you,” he says, fumbling over the words. “I mean, for passing the drink.”

Mingyu’s lips curve into a side smile, an expression that could easily be mistaken for a smirk. The slight quirk of amusement in his gaze makes Joshua feel exposed, as though the younger can see every ounce of nervous energy coursing through him. Heat creeps up his neck, coloring his cheeks a soft red. He ducks his head slightly, hoping the dim party lights hide his embarrassment.

This wasn’t new. He’d always been the one to trip over his words or make some clumsy gesture that drew out the latter’s laughter. It had been endearing back then, a part of the easy rhythm they’d shared. Now, though, it feels like a spotlight on how much time has passed and how much he’s changed or hasn’t.

Desperate to distract himself, Joshua lifts the glass and drinks it all in one go. The liquid burns its way down his throat, leaving a fiery trail that makes him cough and grimace. He wasn’t a drinker, had never been interested in it before, but tonight, surrounded by the unfamiliar and the overwhelming sensation, he’d thought it might help. 

Instead, it’s a mistake. His head spins almost immediately, the dizziness creeping in faster than he anticipated. He coughs again, a sharp sound swallowed by the noise of the party. A warm hand lands on his back, steadying him, grounding him. The touch is firm but not forceful, a quiet presence that pulls him back from the edge of his spiraling thoughts.

“Easy,” Mingyu says, his voice low. His hand slides to his arm, the grip gentle. “You’ll get drunk in no time if you do that. Most of the drinks here are mixed, you don’t want to pick the heavy ones right away.” The latter takes a small sip from his own glass, his movements relaxed, as if to show him how it’s done. He raises an eyebrow, his expression shifting to something more curious. “You’ve never had a drink before, have you?”

Joshua shakes his head, the motion slower than usual as he tries to ground himself against the dizziness. “It’s my first time. I was going for a soda, but…” He trails off, shrugging awkwardly. “It’s not bad.”

The younger’s lips twitch and for a moment, Joshua thinks he sees something softer in his expression, almost fondness. “Cute,” he murmurs under his breath, the word barely audible over the growing noise of the crowd. Joshua catches it, though, and his heart stumbles, the single syllable lodging itself firmly in his chest. Before he can process it, Mingyu speaks again, his tone light. 

“Looks like the man of the party’s here,” he says with a laugh, his smile broadening as he glances toward the growing commotion at the other end of the room.

The moment shifts, the crowd surging with renewed energy but Mingyu doesn’t let go of his arm. Instead, he guides him away from the table, the steady grip a quiet reassurance in the chaos. As they move, the younger grabs a can of soda, pressing it into his free hand.

“Here,” he says, his voice closer now, cutting through the noise. “This will suit you better.”

Joshua glances down at the can, then back at the latter. There’s something unspoken in the way Mingyu looks at him, something that feels both familiar and entirely new. For a moment, he wonders if the dizziness he feels has nothing to do with the drink.

“Thanks.”  He murmurs, the word barely audible.

Mingyu just smiles, his hand still resting lightly on his arm as they make their way deeper into the crowd. Despite the noise, the lights and the press of bodies around them, Joshua feels a little less lost and so he’s able to focus on the chaotic movements happening around him. He can focus on the words anew and replay the younger’s precise words. There’s only one person who can turn heads the moment they step into a room. One person who can command attention without trying, as if the spotlight naturally belongs to them. And that person happens to be someone Joshua isn’t particularly eager to see tonight.

The men of the party were none other than their mutual friend, Seungcheol’s and his closest companion’s friend. The two of them are practically inseparable, a duo that shares everything: triumphs, losses and unwavering loyalty. It’s a bond so strong, it’s survived everything life has thrown at them, including a relationship that once captured everyone’s imagination.

Everyone believed in the typical couple back in high school and later in university, too. They were the couple people rooted for, the iconic pair. Behind closed doors, their story wasn’t as picture-perfect. Yes, their connection was unbreakable but their differences ran deep. Seungckeol was kind to a fault, the epitome of respect and decency, while his partner was the opposite. A walking storm of trouble, magnetic and chaotic in equal measure.

Somehow, though, they completed each other. The storm and the calm. The balance was messy, yet it worked at least, until it didn’t.

But it’s not Seungcheol or his iconic partner stealing the spotlight tonight.

It’s someone else. A junior who steps onto the dance floor as though he owns it and maybe he does. His moves are fluid and unrestrained, commanding the space effortlessly. The crowd surges toward him, drawn like moths to a flame and soon the entire floor is alive, bodies moving in rhythm to the pounding bass.

Joshua watches from the sidelines, his head swimming not just from the drink but from the intensity of the moment. The music vibrates through him, too loud and too much. He feels the walls closing in, the lights blurring into streaks of color. He needs to get out of here, fast. He glances at the younger, searching for an excuse. The sight of Seungcheol and his partner dancing together provides exactly the motivation he needs. He taps Mingyu’s arm, their eyes meeting as the younger turns toward him. He clears his throat, the words tumbling out awkwardly.

“I’m gonna take a call. I’ll be outside. I mean, I’ll be right back.” His voice wavers, the drink clouding his mind and making him stumble over his words.

Mingyu leans in, his breath warm against his ear as he whispers. “Don’t take too long. The party’s just getting started.”

Joshua nods, forcing a tight smile before slipping away. He weaves through the crowd, leaving Mingyu behind with the couple he can’t bear to look at any longer. He shouldn’t feel this sharp, inexplicable ache. He knew about Seungcheol’s relationship, had seen the photos on social media. He’d prepared himself for this moment. However, knowing and seeing are two entirely different things.

It hurts and it shouldn’t.

The older had always been kind to him, friendly, caring even. Now Joshua wonders if he’d misread everything. Maybe it wasn’t special at all. Maybe it was just his loneliness twisting ordinary gestures into something more. His thoughts swirl, a storm of confusion and hurt that he can’t quite sort through. With his head down, he doesn’t notice the person in front of him until they collide.

The impact jolts him and his phone slips from his hand, plummeting toward the floor. Before he can react, a hand darts out, catching the device mid-air with startling precision.

Joshua looks up, ready to apologize, but the words die on his lips.

Standing before him is Yoon Jeonghan, his face illuminated by the soft glow of the outdoor lights. His expression mirrors his—surprise, maybe even disbelief, as though neither of them had expected to cross paths tonight.

Jeonghan’s appearance is different, yet unmistakably him. His once long hair, often tied in ponytails or left to cascade freely, is now cropped short, a clean and sharp cut that somehow makes him look older, more refined. His outfit, however, is anything but formal. A simple hoodie paired with dark jeans and sneakers, the kind of attire that suggests he’s here on a whim, or maybe just passing through. Yet, he has a way of making even the most casual clothes seem effortlessly stylish.

Joshua opens his mouth, searching for something to say, but his thoughts are scattered. The truth is, he’s rarely spoken to Jeonghan without Seungcheol being around. Their conversations were always part of a larger group dynamic, never one-on-one. Alone like this, he feels exposed, unsure of how to bridge the silence.

“My phone—” he begins, pointing vaguely at the device still in the older’s hand.

Before he can finish, the sound of hurried footsteps cuts through the night. Joshua glances over the latter’s shoulder and sees a group of five men sprinting toward them, their movements purposeful and urgent. They’re all dressed in black and although the attire is clean, people don’t chase each other unless there’s something going on.

“What’s that?” He asks, baffled but not entirely surprised. This is Jeonghan, after all. Trouble seems to follow him like a shadow.

“Later,” Jeonghan says, his tone calm but decisive. He grabs his hand without hesitation and starts running, pulling him away from the courtyard and toward the parking lot.

The night air bites at his face as they dash across the pavement. His breath comes in short bursts and his heart pounds, partly from the exertion but mostly from the surreal nature of the situation. They don’t stop until a sleek, black car screeches to a halt in front of them, cutting off their path.

Joshua pulls his hand free from his grip, frustration bubbling to the surface. “Can I just get my phone back?” he asks, his voice laced with exasperation. It’s his first night in Seoul after years, trouble isn’t what he wants.

Jeonghan smirks, holding the phone just out of reach. “Be a dear, Ji, and help a guy out. It’ll only take a few minutes.”

Before he can argue, a woman steps out of the car. She’s dressed in a tailored suit, her sharp features and no-nonsense demeanor radiating authority.

“How can I help you?” Jeonghan asks her, his tone casual, almost teasing.

“Get in the car, Young Master,” she replies curtly, ignoring his attempt at charm.

Jeonghan rolls his eyes but doesn’t argue. Instead, he nudges him toward the open car door.

Joshua sighs, reluctantly climbing into the backseat. The interior is spacious and luxurious but it does little to calm his nerves. He glances at the older, who slides in beside him, choosing the seat by the opposite window and leaving the middle seat conspicuously empty.

The woman takes the front passenger seat and a glass partition separates them from the driver. The silence in the back is heavy and he can’t help but fidget. Despite his better judgment, he feels a flicker of trust. Jeonghan has always been a wild card but he’s also always been capable, someone who somehow manages to land on his feet no matter the chaos.

The air inside the car feels heavy, charged with unspoken thoughts as the city lights blur past the tinted windows. Joshua glances at him, who lounges with an effortless confidence that he can’t quite relate to. Jeonghan’s grin is teasing but calm, a mask of ease that Joshua knows too well. Still, the curiosity gnaws at him. The silence feels unnatural, like it’s daring him to break it. Finally, he exhales and speaks, his voice tinged with sarcasm but laced with genuine curiosity.

“So, is this what you’ve been up to? Causing trouble and running away?”

Jeonghan leans back further, tilting his head to the side as if pondering the question. A lazy grin spreads across his face, the kind that’s both infuriating and oddly endearing. “Trouble’s subjective, Ji. Depends on who’s telling the story.”

He raises an eyebrow, unimpressed. “And the running part?”

The latter chuckles softly, turning his gaze to him with a glint of amusement in his eyes. “Sometimes it’s strategic. Other times, it’s just fun.”

Joshua shakes his head, a reluctant smile tugging at the corner of his lips despite himself. “You’re unbelievable.”

Jeonghan smirks and raises an eyebrow at him, the shift in his expression making him feel like he’s just walked into a trap. “What about you?” He redirects smoothly. “What have you been up to? I didn’t hear a word after you left.”

Joshua stiffens, the question hitting a nerve he didn’t expect. He looks away, staring out the window as if the blurred streets outside could offer him an escape. Of course no one tried to keep up with him. Why would they? Especially him, who never seemed to care about anyone but himself. Joshua shrugs, trying to sound indifferent. “I was busy.”

The older huffs, shaking his head. “You only ever do that. Be busy. Live a little, Ji. It’s more fun.”

He turns back to him, his brow furrowing. “You don’t have forever. Life is moving fast and you don’t have all the time in the world to succeed at your own pace. Nothing lasts forever.” There’s an edge to his voice when he replies, even though he tries to sound indifferent.

Jeonghan’s grin softens into a faint smile, the kind that carries more mystery than sympathy. “Exactly. Everything is temporary. What’s gone, you can’t get back. So, might as well not regret anything and live life to the fullest.”

If only, Joshua thinks. His chest tightens as the words sink in, stirring something he doesn’t want to acknowledge. He wishes he could see life that way but he can’t shake the nagging pressure to make something of himself, to ensure his future is secure. Having fun won’t pay the bills or protect him from the uncertainty ahead. That kind of freedom is a luxury he doesn’t have. Jeonghan’s philosophy feels like a taunt. Rich people like him can afford to live without the burden of time or money. They can chase fleeting moments without worrying about tomorrow. He, on the other hand, doesn’t have that privilege.

He shrugs again, avoiding the older’s gaze. He doesn’t want to admit how much he’s missed out on or how much it bothers him. He’s got a job, maybe not a permanent one, but it’s enough for now. He should feel accomplished, but instead, he feels hollow. Lonely, even. Most nights, he finds himself talking to no one but his own thoughts or the characters on his screen, hoping for a distraction from the quiet ache inside.

“You don’t want to admit I’m right,” Jeonghan muses, his tone light but knowing. He throws a wink at him, his grin returning full force.

Joshua shakes his head, a small laugh escaping despite himself. “Both of us are. A person needs balance.”

The latter laughs, a warm sound that momentarily fills the space between them, but before he can respond, the car slows to a stop. His smile fades, replaced by a more serious expression as he leans in, lowering his voice. “Favor for favor,” he says, his tone softer but no less commanding. “Go with the flow and be a good friend.”

Joshua raises an eyebrow, crossing his arms. “I thought we were friends,” he retorts, his lips twitching into a subtle smile as the latter rolls his eyes.

Walking into the office, Joshua is struck by the shift in Jeonghan’s demeanor. He’s seen the latter in countless situations—always confident, always in control—but now, as he stands, there’s a tension in his posture that he has never noticed before. It’s subtle, but unmistakable, his shoulders are a fraction tighter, his stance less relaxed. For a moment, Joshua almost doesn’t recognize him. Had he blinked, he might’ve missed it entirely. Still, he is used to observing people, to catching the small details that others overlook. Therefore, he doesn’t fail to notice how, for the first time, even Jeonghan seems nervous.

The tension, however, vanishes as quickly as it appeared. The latter’s lips curl into one of his infamous smiles—the kind that makes knees weak and gets him out of trouble every time. It’s the smile that’s impossible to say no to. His hands slide into his pockets, his chin lifts and the air around him shifts back to one of fearless confidence.

Joshua glances around the office, taking in the polished mahogany desk, the wall of bookshelves lined with leather-bound volumes and the faint scent of aged wood. Then, from the door on the far side of the room, a man enters.

He recognizes him instantly. Jeonghan’s grandfather, the legendary entrepreneur. Despite his age, the man carries himself with the vigor of someone decades younger. His long white hair flows neatly past his ears and his piercing eyes scan the room with sharp precision. The old man tilts his head to the side, narrowing his gaze at him. It’s the kind of look that makes Joshua’s stomach churn, though he tries not to let it show.

“Grandpa—” Jeonghan starts but his grandfather’s hand shoots up, cutting him off.

“You,” the older man says, pointing directly at him.

Joshua blinks, confused. A soft hum escapes him as he tries to think of something to say. He glances at the latter, who had assured him it was fine to accompany him here, but now he’s not so sure.

“You’re it,” the grandfather continues, his voice carrying both authority and intrigue. “You’re the author of that thriller romance. The Crowned Thief.”

Joshua’s heart skips a beat.

“He’s my friend,” Jeonghan says quickly, looking at him with a flicker of surprise in his expression. “Is that true?”

Before he can respond, the older man waves off his words with a dismissive gesture. “Yes, yes, but is he the author?”

Joshua hesitates for a second. It’s not often that he’s recognized in public for his work. Most of his acclaim comes from social media, where readers praise his writing and eagerly anticipate his next release. He’s done a handful of book signings in quiet libraries but those events were small. He’s never been approached or acknowledged in such a formal setting, especially not in Korea. He nods.

The grandfather’s face lights up and he steps closer, his stern demeanor softening. “Why didn’t you tell me your friend was the amazing author? I’ve been devouring your books. The plot twists are incredible, unimaginable! Truly brilliant.”

Joshua can only manage a shy smile, his hands clasped tightly in front of him. He feels an overwhelming mix of joy and nervousness. To be praised by someone as influential as Jeonghan’s grandfather is surreal. It’s the kind of acknowledgment he’s worked so hard for, the kind he’s dreamed of. And yet, it’s unnerving. His books are personal, often inspired by his own insecurities and experiences, subtly woven into the lives of his characters. Each time he introduces a new story, he feels like he’s baring a piece of himself to the world. The idea that someone like the big entrepreneur has not only read his work but connected with it is both thrilling and intimidating.

“I think that’s enough,” Jeonghan interrupts smoothly, his tone light but protective. “You’re going to suffocate him with compliments.”

“I’m just saying,” the grandfather insists, glancing back at him with a smile. “It’s truly enjoyable. You have a gift.” Then, turning back to his grandson, he adds, “You should grab a copy yourself.”

Jeonghan takes the opportunity to steer the conversation in another direction. “We’ve got somewhere to be. Permission to leave then?” He asks, his tone cheeky as he clasps his hands behind his back.

The grandfather chuckles, shaking his head. “You just got here, but fine. Go. Show him around the city. It’s a lovely place for inspiration. A perfect setting for a romance novel.”

Jeonghan steps forward, placing both hands on his shoulders and gently guiding him toward the door. “Got it, Gramps. We’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“Just saying if you need recommendations for scenic spots, let me know. Oh, and—”

“Sure, sure,” the latter says, cutting him off with a grin. “We’ll call if we need anything.”

Joshua lets himself be dragged along, his steps automatic as they exit the building. The cool night air bites at his skin, grounding him in the present. Once outside, Jeonghan releases his wrist. The absence of contact leaves a faint tingling sensation, though he doesn’t dwell on it. He had barely noticed when the latter held his hand.

Once outside, Jeonghan pulls out his phone and calls for a cab. As he finishes, he turns to him, his expression unreadable. “You write? You’re an author?”

Joshua nods, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “It’s strange you don’t know that about your friend.” The words slip out before he can stop them, the slight bite in his tone surprising even himself. Maybe it’s the remnants of the alcohol he drank earlier, loosening his usual restraint. Normally, he’d never dare to joke with the untouchable Jeonghan, even when they shared the same circle of friends.

“Well, maybe if my friend didn’t go missing so abruptly.” He grins, unfazed. 

“I didn’t go missing,” Joshua retorts, but he doesn’t meet his gaze. The defense in his voice, even he can’t understand. They weren’t friends. They only happened to share the same friend and circle friend group. He can count on one hand the amount of times he directly talked to the latter without the presence of one of their shared friends.

“Oh, really? At some point, you just decided to stop showing up, stopped answering calls and deleted all your social media. What would you call that, then?”

There’s a scoff in his tone but Joshua hears something else beneath it. Frustration? Annoyance? He doesn’t know and he doesn’t care to figure it out. Jeonghan probably has no real idea when he left or what he went through. He’s just parroting what he heard. He keeps his eyes fixed on the street, watching the cab pull up to the curb. “The cab’s here,” he mutters, eager to avoid this conversation.

Without another word, they slide into the backseat, each taking a window seat and leaving the middle space decidedly empty. Joshua stares out the window, watching the city lights blur past. The hum of the engine fills the silence between them, an invisible barrier neither seems willing to cross.

Jeonghan is on his phone, scrolling through something, his face illuminated by the faint glow of the screen. He risks a glance at him but quickly looks away. This is more like them, detached, impersonal. They rarely engage in meaningful conversation and when they do, it’s shallow, a surface-level exchange that never dips into vulnerability.

He sighs softly, leaning his forehead against the cool glass of the window. He doesn’t understand why he came tonight, why he let himself get pulled into a life never meant for him. It feels like a mistake, a decision made on impulse, one he’s already regretting. The weight of his past feels heavier in moments like this, pressing down on him like an invisible hand. He doesn’t want to talk about it, not with Jeonghan, not with anyone. And yet, a small part of him wonders what it would be like to share even a fraction of it, to let someone see the cracks he’s tried so hard to seal. But that part of him is fleeting, silenced by the louder voice that insists no one cares, especially the young man seated beside him. So he stays quiet, his eyes fixed on the fleeting scenery, wishing he were anywhere but here.

“What are you thinking about right now?” Jeonghan asks, his voice cutting through the low hum of the cab.

Joshua turns to look at him, startled to find the latter’s gaze fixed on him instead of his phone. There’s an intensity in his stare, like he’s genuinely curious. “Nothing,” he answers flatly, unsure where this sudden interest is coming from.

The latter blinks, the changes barely visible. The small scar on his cheek catches the dim light, a subtle reminder of whatever chaos he’s been up to. His hair is a mess, tousled in a way that looks deliberate but probably isn’t. It strikes him how little Jeonghan seems to have aged. Time hasn’t left its mark on him, at least not outwardly.

“You can’t think of nothing.” He argues, a smirk tugging at his lips.

“I wasn’t thinking,” Joshua replies, tone clipped.

“Then you weren’t existing.”

“Wise words coming from your mouth.”

Jeonghan lets out a laugh, rich and unrestrained. “Right, who would believe it?”

Joshua almost smiles. One thing about the latter is that he never hides his feelings, especially when he’s offended or being sarcastic. His tone and expression give him away every time. He doesn’t play along with jabs; he counters them openly.

“I’m not insulting your knowledge,” Joshua corrects, his voice softer this time.

“You wouldn’t dare.” There’s a playful gleam in Jeonghan’s eyes. “But then again, you don’t know anything about me. What I know or don’t know.”

He could argue. He could point out the contradictions in his statement, but he doesn’t. Instead, he lets the moment pass. He’s not in the mood for a verbal sparring match, especially with someone as unpredictable as him. 

“Are you staying?” He asks, shifting the topic.

Jeonghan hums, his brows knitting slightly. “Staying where?”

“The party.” He clarifies.

“It’s free. Who would miss out on a free party?”

“I would,” Joshua replies without hesitation.

Jeonghan’s smile widens, his expression one of amusement. “Missing out on an opportunity to brag?”

He doesn’t answer. He knows Jeonghan’s teasing but the words sting more than they should. It’s not about bragging, he’s almost certain no one at the party will care about him or his presence. Admitting that, however, would reveal more than he’s willing to share. Instead, he turns back to the window, letting the city lights blur into streaks of gold and white. He doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of another answer and doesn't want to keep peeling back layers of himself for someone so impossible to read.

Jeonghan doesn’t press further, though Joshua can feel his gaze lingering. The silence stretches between them, thick with unspoken words. He keeps his eyes on the window, pretending the scenery is enough to distract him from the knot of unease tightening in his chest. He doesn’t know how to act around Jeonghan, never has. Jeonghan is a puzzle he’s never been able to solve, someone whose thoughts and intentions are always just out of reach. And maybe that’s why he keeps his distance, why he chooses silence over engagement. Because with him, he’s never sure if he’s winning or losing.

Standing at the entrance of the party, Joshua feels a knot form in his stomach. He had come but now it feels like the world inside is a place he no longer belongs to. The familiar faces he used to know, the friends, even Seungcheol—everyone seems different. They’ve all moved on, evolved into people he no longer recognizes and he’s just a ghost of the past, standing on the outside looking in. Seungcheol has found his own rhythm, his own story, one that Joshua no longer fits into. In this world, he is nothing but a forgotten chapter, one that’s been closed and left behind.

He gulps, trying to shake the feeling of alienation.

“Did you come here just for the party?” Jeonghan’s voice cuts through his thoughts, sharp and probing, as always. He hates how the latter always manages to ask the hardest questions, the ones with no answers, the ones that make him feel exposed.

He blinks, caught off guard. He expected the latter to walk away the moment they arrived, to disappear into the crowd like he always does. Instead, Jeonghan is standing beside him, looking at him with an expression that’s hard to read. “I did grow up here,” he answers, trying to sound casual but the words feel empty as soon as they leave his mouth.

“You’re a bad liar for a writer,” Jeonghan remarks with a half-smile, clearly not fooled.

Joshua shakes his head, the weight of his words heavier than he’d anticipated. “Real life is different.”

“That’s why it’s fun.” The latter replies, his tone almost lighthearted, as though he’s completely unfazed by the complexity of life, as though he thrives in it. “So, we’re going in, or do you need more time to charge?”

“I wasn’t charging,” he mutters, slightly irritated at how the latter always seems to have a way of poking at his vulnerabilities, making him feel like an open book.

Jeonghan clicks his tongue, clearly amused, and taps his shoulder with a playful nudge. “Done. Now, let’s go.”

“Go? You mean together?” Joshua asks, unsure if he’s hearing correctly.

Unfazed, Jeonghan nods, the gesture casual but his eyes flickering with something else. “If it makes you feel better, the negative attention will be on me. I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to.”

Joshua blinks, the words hanging in the air between them, unexpected and a little too real. He should ignore it. He should dismiss it but something about it catches him off guard. Jeonghan never does anything without an agenda, without a reason. It’s clear that he’s trying to distract him from something and Joshua can’t quite put his finger on it. Unlike Jeonghan, he cares about his friends. He always has. Jeonghan, on the other hand, seems to barely acknowledge that word.

“Why would you gather negative attention?” He asks before he can stop himself.

His grin widens into a smirk. “So you can have a positive one.”

Joshua stares at him for a moment, the meaning behind his words settling uncomfortably in his chest. Jeonghan is always doing things for reasons that don’t make sense to anyone else, least of all him. But this feels different. It’s not just about the party, not just about being seen. There’s something about the way he says it, the way he steps back with that cocky, careless attitude, like he no longer belongs in the spotlight.

Inside, true to his words, the energy in the room shifts noticeably as they enter. Heads turn, eyes flicker toward them but the weight of those stares rests heavily on the untouchable man of the party. Joshua observes the way people look at him, admiration, perhaps tinged with something more cautious. Respect? Fear? He isn’t sure. What he does know is that this isn’t the same world they used to inhabit.

In the past, people would have rushed to greet the latter, vying for his attention. Now, they keep their distance, watching from afar. It’s not overtly hostile but the reverence carries an edge. He lowers his gaze, letting the latter guide them through the crowd. He feels completely out of place, like a mismatched puzzle piece forced into the wrong picture. Back then, they were rarely seen alone together. Seungcheol was always the bridge between them, the glue that held their uneasy dynamic together. Whether it was a casual hangout or a group project, the older was the mediator who smoothed the edges of their strained interactions. Without him, Joshua wonders if they would have even acknowledged each other.

Now, walking beside him, it feels surreal. Once, the idea of them having a civil conversation, let alone entering a party side by side, would have seemed impossible. He never thought Jeonghan would be okay with it, always thought he'd be ashamed, but here they are and Jeonghan doesn’t seem to care.

The sudden eruption of cheers snaps him out of his thoughts. They’ve reached the friend group or, more accurately, Jeonghan’s entourage. The noise and energy are almost overwhelming. Among the familiar faces, Joshua recognizes Seungcheol and Mingyu and a few others he’s only spoken to once or twice in passing.

“The party was gonna end without you!” Someone shouts, clapping a hand on the untouchable heir’s shoulder. It’s the dancer from earlier, grinning widely. The grin falters when his gaze lands on him.

“Joshua,” Seungcheol steps forward, placing a reassuring hand on his arm. “He’s a close friend and an old classmate,” he introduces him, his voice steady and warm.

“The American,” the dancer says, recognition dawning on his face.

Seungcheol leans closer, whispering softly in his ear. “Don’t mind him.”

Joshua nods, offering a polite smile. His eyes drift to Jeonghan, who has already slipped into his element. He’s at the drinks corner, a bottle in hand, laughing and grinning like the party revolves around him. And in a way, it does. This is him in his natural habitat, thriving in the attention and energy of a crowd.

“Is everything okay? Mingyu said you were here earlier and left,” the older asks, his tone gentle as he pulls his attention away from the true man of the party.

“I was outside. Mom called,” He lies easily, deflecting the real reason he’d left. “The party’s still going,” he observes, a hint of reluctance in his voice.

“We have the entire night. Loosen up,” Mingyu interjects, his usual charisma shining as he pushes them toward the drinks. “We still have plenty of drinking games to play. The night is still young.”

Beside him, Seungcheol smiles encouragingly. “I know you don’t drink and you don’t have to. Just stay a little longer.”

Joshua hesitates but nods. Once again, he’s being dragged into something he’s not entirely convinced about. He knows how these parties end, most people will be too drunk to remember anything. Or maybe some will remember just enough. His eyes wander back to the untouchable heir, who’s cradling a bottle like it’s an extension of himself. Their gazes lock briefly across the room. Jeonghan’s expression is unreadable, a fleeting moment that passes before Joshua looks away, uncomfortable.

It’s strange. The amount of interaction he’s had with the man tonight feels like more than their total conversations over the years. It’s disorienting, unsettling even. He can’t decide if it’s a good thing or not. What he does know is that he feels out of sync, as if he’s playing a role in someone else’s story.

The party unfolds like a whirlwind of noise and movement. He stands there, observing everything, feeling more like a spectator than a participant. The friend group is huge, sprawling out across the space, filled with faces he no longer recognizes. It’s strange to think that these people were once strangers to each other too, but now they all seem to fit so seamlessly together, like pieces of a puzzle that he isn’t a part of. The dynamic has shifted and he is left on the outside, trying to make sense of it all.

Jeonghan is in his element, laughing and exchanging words with Soonyoung and another man wearing glasses. Their conversation is filled with inside jokes and shared experiences he can’t relate to. He watches as the latter’s face lights up with every laugh, every gesture. It’s the same person he remembers, always in control, always surrounded by people who adore him. The sight makes him feel like a ghost in the room, fading into the background as Jeonghan takes center stage, once again.

Seungcheol, standing beside him, is caught up in his own conversation with Mingyu and Jun. They’re talking about something, probably the past or a new idea, given the intensity of their discussion, but he can’t seem to focus on the words. His mind drifts, the chatter around him turning into a blur. It’s like he’s there, but not really. He’s standing in the midst of it all but he feels disconnected from everything happening around him.

Everyone is animated, exchanging opinions and ideas with passion, listening intently, occasionally chiming in with a thoughtful comment. Joshua tries to keep up but the conversation feels too distant, too foreign. He nods along, hoping he doesn’t come off as completely out of place, but the truth is, he’s not really part of the exchange. His mind keeps wandering and every now and then, his eyes flicker over to Jeonghan, who is still in the center of the room, surrounded by his own circle of friends.

Across the room, Jihoon, Seungcheol’s partner, joins him, his hands gesturing as he tells some story. Chan, the dancer from earlier, is showing off his moves to a blonde haired man, who watches with wide eyes and admiration. The energy is electric and Joshua feels it in his chest, but it’s not his energy. It belongs to everyone else. It’s like they’re all dancing to the same rhythm, while he is stuck trying to find his own beat, one that no longer seems to exist.

The noise grows louder, the laughter more contagious and yet he feels strangely isolated. It’s like the room is moving without him and he’s standing still, trying to catch up. The feeling of being disconnected intensifies and he wonders if it’s always been this way. Has he always felt like an outsider, even when he was part of this world? He shakes his head, trying to shake off the thoughts. There’s no time for self-pity tonight. He’s here and he needs to be present, even if it’s just physically.

Then, as if on cue, Mingyu steps up and announces the start of the games. The shift in atmosphere is immediate. People begin to gather around, some already grabbing drinks, others preparing themselves for whatever chaos is about to unfold. He can’t help but feel a twinge of anticipation. Games always bring people together, force them to interact in ways that break down barriers. It’s a distraction, but maybe that’s exactly what he needs right now.

Seungcheol nudges him lightly. “You in?” he asks, a teasing smile on his face.

Joshua hesitates, his eyes darting to Jeonghan without meaning to, who’s already caught up in the excitement, a mischievous grin on his face. He can feel the pull, the weight of the moment and for the first time that night, he feels a flicker of something—maybe hope, or just the desire to fit in, to not feel so detached from the life that’s moving around him.

“I’ll give it a try,” He says, forcing a smile. He’s not sure what he’s getting himself into but maybe this is the moment where he can finally stop feeling like a bystander. The games start and the chaos unfolds in a blur of laughter, loud cheers and competitive energy. He gets swept up in it all, the noise and the movement finally making him feel like he’s part of something, even if just for a moment.

The games are a mix of everything—drinking challenges, truth or dare, and dares that quickly escalate into something ridiculous. People shout, laugh and groan in mock embarrassment as the dares become more outrageous. Jeonghan’s laughter rings out above the rest, his presence undeniable and Joshua can’t help but notice how easily he takes charge of every situation, every moment.

As the night drags on, the games become more intense, the drinks flow freely and the energy shifts from lighthearted fun to something wilder, more unpredictable. He feels the shift too. It’s like everyone has let go of their inhibitions and the tension that was once between him and this world begins to dissolve. But even as the fun escalates, his mind keeps drifting back to the latter, to the way he’s effortlessly in control, the way he commands attention without even trying, the way he appeared human for the first time in years since he had known him.

He doesn’t know how to explain it, but he can’t shake the feeling that he’s on the outside looking in, seeing things he never was supposed to notice. 

The night is long, the party eventful. The atmosphere grows more intense as the games continue with everyone fully invested now. The drinks flow like water and laughter fills the air, a mix of loud voices and clinking glasses. He can feel the alcohol coursing through his veins, his head spinning slightly. He’s never been one to drink but tonight, he’s gone way past what he should’ve. The warmth in his chest is a comfort, but it’s quickly turning into a fog in his mind.

Mingyu, with a mischievous grin, hands him another drink, urging him on. “Come on.”

He laughs awkwardly, his fingers tingling as he takes the glass. “I’m good,” he says, but the words feel heavy on his tongue. He’s not sure if he’s trying to convince the younger or himself. Either way, he knocks it back, the burn spreading through him.

“Stop it,” Seungcheol laughs, shaking his head. “You’ll get him drunk.”

“That’s the point.” He hears Mingyu say with a grin and nudge Seungcheol playfully. “It's his first party, drinks are necessary.”

Joshua watches them, his vision blurring a little, and he forces himself to focus. The room seems to be shifting, the people around him growing louder, more animated. It’s almost like the world is moving too fast for him to catch up. He looks down at his glass, the liquid inside swirling, and for a moment, he wonders if he should just stop. Then, Jeonghan’s laughter breaks through his thoughts and he looks over at him, surrounded by people, effortlessly charming them with his smile, his words. It’s a stark contrast and besides Mingyu did say the fun comes with the drinks.

He gulps down his drink without second thoughts, caring less that he’s had more than five glasses.

The alcohol is starting to cloud his thoughts and soon, it’s no longer about fitting in. It’s about the dizzying rush of being part of something, even if it’s fleeting. His body is moving before he can think of his next action.

“You alright?” Seungcheol asks, gripping at his arm before he walks in further in the crowd he sees. He gives him a concerned look but doesn’t press the issue.

Joshua blinks, trying to focus on his friend. “Yeah, I’m good. Just a bit tipsy.” The truth slips before he thinks of saying a lie. It hurts to think and he finds he doesn’t want to. He just wants to close his eyes and stop thinking for once.

Seungcheol still doesn’t seem convinced.

Joshua manages a small grin but it’s all he can muster. He feels like his body is heavier than usual and the ground beneath him is a little too unstable. He doesn’t know if he’s drunk, or if it’s just the weird mix of emotions and alcohol messing with him. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but he’s going along with it. And he doesn’t want to stop.

The music changes and suddenly everyone’s on their feet, moving to the beat. The air is thick with energy, the vibe shifting from casual fun to something wilder. Jeonghan, still at the center of the group, has a bottle in his hand, grinning at the crowd. He’s practically glowing and Joshua can’t help but watch him, mesmerized by the ease with which the latter takes control of every situation. He wishes he could be in his place. He wishes he had just little of everything the latter has. Then, he wouldn’t always feel out of place. Then, his life would’ve been easier.

He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns to see a guy he doesn’t know—his name escapes him in the haze of alcohol—grinning at him. “You’re quiet, man,” he says, leaning in a little too close. “Why don’t you let loose? I can show you a good time.”

Joshua blinks, trying to process the words, but they come out jumbled in his mind. “I’m fine,” he says, voice a little slurred. “I’m just watching.”

The guy chuckles, his eyes gleaming with playfulness. “Watching’s no fun. You need to get in on this. Fit in with the beat.”

Before he can say anything, the guy pulls him into the middle of the crowd, where everyone is dancing. The beat is fast and the lights are flashing and he feels a little too exposed in the middle of it all. He’s not a dancer. He doesn’t even know what he’s doing but the alcohol is pushing him forward, making his limbs move with the rhythm, even if it’s all a blur. The man beside him isn’t judging, he’s moving along with him, guiding him with a hand on his hips. His eyes bore into him with intensity that forces him to break eye contact.

His gaze flickers and in the middle of the crowd, it finds Jeonghan again, who’s laughing with Soonyoung, but his eyes catch his for a split second and he feels a pang in his chest. He can’t tell if the latter is amused, concerned, or if he even notices him at all. It’s the first time tonight that he feels like he’s truly invisible.

A laugh breaks him out of his thoughts, the guy from earlier is still by his side, chatting him up, but Joshua isn’t really listening. His mind is a mess of disconnected thoughts, his body moving in ways it shouldn’t and his thoughts jumping from one thing to the next. Suddenly, someone pushes a drink into his hand again and Joshua takes it without thinking. 

He’s too far gone now, the alcohol mixing with the wild energy of the party and it feels like he’s just floating through it all. It’s chaos, but it’s chaos he’s a part of and for the first time tonight, he feels like he’s finally part of something. Even if it’s just for the night.

The next few hours pass in a blur of loud music, drunken laughs and ridiculous dares. He isn’t sure how many games they’ve played, how many shots he’s had or who he’s talked to. The world is spinning in a way that makes it hard to focus on anything for too long. There’s a lot of flirtation—casual, teasing words that don’t mean anything but they feel like they do in the moment. People are getting more comfortable with him and he’s starting to feel like maybe this world isn’t as foreign as it seemed when he first walked in.

The music still pulses in the background but it’s a dull hum now, barely cutting through the fog in his head. His legs feel like they might give out any second when the man leans into his personal space, their entire body touching him, but another grip on his arm is firm, pulling him away from the dance floor and toward the quieter corner where their friends were. The laughter and chaos of the party feel distant now and for a moment, it’s just the two of them, moving through the crowd with him stumbling a little with every step.

“You’re drunk,” Jeonghan observes, his voice a bit sharper.

Joshua glances up at him, his thoughts scattered. “People come to parties to get drunk,” he slurs, leaning heavily on the table as if it might suddenly give him the stability he needs.

The latter doesn’t seem impressed. “Don’t get smart with me,” he snaps, pulling him upright.

“Don’t yell at me,” Joshua responds, attempting to raise his voice but it comes out as a tired, almost whiny sound.

“I’m not yelling—” Jeonghan starts.

“You’re screaming, your mouth is opening too much and those are features to describe someone yelling and right now—” he pauses, using his finger to point at his face, feeling oddly satisfied by his observation despite his drunken state. “—that’s what you’re doing.”

Jeonghan rolls his eyes, a sigh escaping him. “So your drunk ick is talking too much?”

“I wouldn’t know.” Joshua shrugs, the lazy smile on his lips widening.

The latter stops in his tracks, staring at him for a moment, looking genuinely confused. “Is this your first time drinking?” he asks, almost in disbelief.

“Shouldn’t it be obvious?” He replies, holding both his palm up, his voice thick and he sniffs, his head pounding from the alcohol. The room seems to spin around him but he holds his ground, trying to keep the world in focus.

“Smarty pants,” Jeonghan mutters under his breath, clearly not amused.

“Pants can’t be smart,” He corrects, feeling proud of the comeback despite his blurred thinking.

The older blinks at him, trying to process the words, before shaking his head in disbelief. “It’s a way of saying. You should know about it.”

“Well, that wasn’t very smart of them.” Joshua laughs softly, but it’s a strange sound more like a hiccup of amusement than genuine joy. His emotions are a mix of confusion and frustration, and he doesn’t know whether to laugh or groan at his own drunken state.

“Oh god,” Jeonghan mutters, running a hand through his hair as he puts his drink down and starts searching in his pocket for his phone.

“Are you mad?” Joshua tilts his head, the motion exaggerated by his drunken state. “You sound disappointed though? Or in disbelief?” he asks, voice high and drawn out as he squints at the older. It’s really hard to know what he’s thinking, normally he wouldn’t hide it. Now, he’s doing a great job at hiding the emotions he would wear on his face.

“Please stop talking,” he says, his voice tight, almost strained.

Joshua pouts, feeling a little hurt but the alcohol dulls the sting. “That’s rude.” He voices out when he never would’ve. At least not in front of the untouchable heir who doesn’t care about anyone but himself, maybe his friends if he can help them.

“You’re drunk and I just discovered that you do talk a lot compared to when you’re not,” Jeonghan says, sounding more resigned than angry. “I don’t want you to say anything that you’ll regret. Trust me, you’re going to regret it.”

He narrows his eyes, trying to keep his balance. “Why do you think I will regret it?” he asks, genuinely curious.

Jeonghan looks at him, exasperated. “I don’t think you will. I know it,” he replies firmly, grabbing his arm again to keep him moving.

Joshua stumbles but keeps pace. “But we never talked—”

“Oh, here we go,” Jeonghan cuts him off, his voice sharp with impatience. “Look, we don’t talk to each other and it’s not changing overnight.”

“Why?” Joshua gasps, the words slipping out before he can stop them, though they come out with a whine, more like a child’s complaint. “It’s cold, you wanna kill us?” He mutters once they step outside.

Jeonghan looks at him, genuinely taken aback by the question. His brows furrow and he stops walking for a moment, clearly trying to process what he just said. “Did you book a hotel for the night?” He asks, the edge of disbelief still present in his voice.

“Nope,” Joshua answers, his smile broad and goofy, as if proud of his lack of planning. “But I did book a plane.”

The latter stares at him for a long moment, then rubs his forehead, clearly at his wit’s end. “I’m still too sober for this,” he mutters, then pulls out his phone, swiping through the screen with a quickness that he can barely follow.

Leaning against the nearest pole for support hopping for his mind to stop spinning, Joshua clears his throat, wrapping his arm around himself. “The drinks inside can help with your situation.”

Jeonghan, ignoring him for the moment, taps a few buttons on his phone and waits, his face set in a frustrated frown. The cold wind tugs at his clothes, but he doesn’t seem to care much about the chill, too absorbed in his own little world. “Where’s your mind even at, Ji?” He finally asks, glancing over at him with a mixture of concern and disbelief. “Do you even know what you’re saying right now?”

Joshua looks up at him, his expression oddly serious for someone so intoxicated. “I’m already regretting it.”

The words hang between them for a long moment before Jeonghan sighs, clearly exhausted from the emotional whiplash that is him. He mutters something under his breath, tapping his phone screen one last time. “You’re an idiot.”

Joshua looks at him with half-lidded eyes, unsure if he even heard the words right. “Sure… whatever you say,” he replies, not really caring much about the specifics, as long as it means something changes, anything changes.

‿︵‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿︵‿

The morning light seeps in through the half-drawn curtains, casting pale streaks across the room. The room itself is unfamiliar, nothing like the dim, familiar space he’s used to. His eyes flutter open slowly, a wave of nausea immediately crashing over him. His head is pounding, each beat like a sledgehammer against his skull. He groans, the sound low and miserable, as he shifts slightly, trying to make sense of his surroundings.

The air is heavy with a faint smell of stale alcohol and something else he can’t quite place, something that feels oddly sterile. He rubs his eyes, trying to push the sleepiness away but it lingers like a thick fog. As he stretches his arms, the dull ache in his body makes him wince and his stomach churns, reminding him of the absurd amount he drank last night. His memories of the night are fragmented, flashes of conversation, music, dancing and laughter, but nothing that feels real. It’s all just a blur, like a faded photograph.

Joshua tries to sit up, but the motion makes the room tilt and he has to steady himself, leaning on the bed’s headboard for support. He blinks rapidly, his vision blurry as his surroundings slowly come into focus. The bed is too large for comfort, the sheets too smooth and too clean. He looks down at his clothes, still in the same ones he wore last night and feels a wave of embarrassment flood over him. He remembers the dancing, the laughter and the way everything had seemed to spiral out of control, but he can’t recall how he ended up here. Where is here?

His head throbs again and he closes his eyes, trying to calm the rush of thoughts that overwhelm him. Slowly, he begins to piece together fragments of last night. Jeonghan had been there. Jeonghan had pulled him away from the dance floor, his grip tight, but the memory is still hazy, like trying to recall a dream that slips through your fingers as soon as you wake.

He shakes his head, trying to push the disorientation away. His thoughts are slow and heavy, the aftermath of too much alcohol and too many careless words. A sudden knock on the door snaps him out of his daze. He freezes, holding his breath for a moment. The knock comes again, louder this time. He can feel his heart start to race, panic creeping up his spine.

“Ji?” A familiar voice calls from the other side of the door, the tone rough and deep. He must’ve just woken up. “You awake?”

It’s Jeonghan.

His stomach drops. He had completely discarded the idea that it might be him. The memory of his sharp eyes, his teasing comments, his irritation—all of it rushes back in a wave and he feels a hot flush of shame creep up his neck.

He can’t face him right now, not like this. He can barely face himself.

Before he can respond, the door creaks open and Jeonghan steps inside, his presence immediate and imposing. He doesn’t seem surprised to see him awake but there’s a hint of something in his expression, something that borders on amusement, mixed with a little bit of concern. He leans against the door frame, arms crossed, eyes scanning the room before landing on him.

“You’re alive,” Jeonghan says, his voice dry but somehow… warm.

Joshua groans, running a hand over his face in embarrassment. “Where am I?” His voice is rough, raw from the shouting, the laughing and then drinking. It sounds alien to him.

“Where else?” Jeonghan replies with a half-smile. “My place.”

He blinks, confused. “Your place?”

“Yeah,” the latter shrugs, pushing off the door frame and walking into the room, a bottle of water in hand. He sets it down on the nightstand beside him. “You weren’t exactly giving answers to my questions and I figured, a nice gentleman like me, wouldn’t leave a friend out on the street.”

Joshua shakes his head, the motion too quick, and his vision sways again. “I don’t remember anything after the dance. Or the drinks.” He pauses, frowning, trying to recall the events of last night.

Jeonghan watches him for a long moment, his gaze unreadable. “Worry not, you haven’t done anything embarrassing. You just talked a lot and you drank way too much for the first time.”

Joshua laughs weakly, his stomach twisting at the memory of how out of control he must have been. He glances down at his hands, which are shaking slightly and rubs his forehead. “I’m an idiot.”

“You were drunk,” Jeonghan says simply, his tone light but with a hint of seriousness behind it as though he’s trying to comfort him. “It happens, mostly on the first night.”

He glances at Jeonghan, trying to gauge his expression, but it’s hard to tell. Jeonghan’s face is as impassive as ever, though there’s something in the way he’s standing, the way he came looking for him, the way he did look for him last night. “I don’t,” he mutters, his voice low, unsure of saying anything.

“It was no bother,” Jeonghan replies, a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Favor for a favor.”

Joshua's face turns bright red. He feels small, humiliated and suddenly very aware of how exposed he is. He didn’t drink and he knew drunk people do crazy things, say stuff they probably don’t mean to say. He’s done all that, not in front of his friends, but in front of Jeonghan. There really was no better person to see him in that state but Jeonghan. He looks up at the older, whose expression is neutral but the hint of a smirk plays on his lips. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“Don’t apologize,” Jeonghan interrupts, his tone firm.

Joshua looks down at the water bottle, unsure of how to proceed. The embarrassment is overwhelming, the sense of losing control too much to bear. He feels a strange mix of gratitude and shame toward Jeonghan—gratitude for not letting him make a fool of himself outside the safety of the party, and shame for how out of control he had been.

“I shouldn’t have drunk so much,” Joshua says quietly, almost to himself. “It was stupid.”

“You mean freeing?” Jeonghan asks, his voice surprisingly soft. “It’s a bitch in the morning, but you just need to drink some water, eat and you’ll be good as new.”

He looks up at Jeonghan, meeting his eyes. He’s surprised by the lack of judgment in Jeonghan’s gaze, no mockery, no anger, just a strange calm. It’s almost comforting. But there’s still a question lingering in his mind, one he’s too afraid to ask out loud. Why did Jeonghan help him? After all the distance between them, Joshua can’t understand why Jeonghan chose to help him when he could’ve had the night of his life.

“Thanks,” Joshua mutters, unsure of what else to say. His throat feels tight but he forces the words out anyway.

Jeonghan gives a small nod, his expression unreadable. “Don’t mention it.” He turns toward the door, pausing for a moment. “There’s hangover soup in the kitchen if you want some.”

Joshua watches him leave, the door clicking softly behind him and the room falls into a quiet stillness. He leans back against the pillows, closing his eyes and trying to forget the weight of the previous night. His head still aches, his body still heavy with the aftereffects of too much alcohol, but for the first time in a long while, he feels less alone.

He sits there for a while, the water bottle untouched beside him, the quiet hum of the room amplifying the dull throb in his head. He keeps replaying Jeonghan’s words in his mind. It doesn’t make sense, not coming from him. Jeonghan was always the distant one, the sharp-tongued critic who kept everyone at arm’s length. And yet, last night, he’d stepped in.

Joshua groans and presses the heels of his palms into his eyes, trying to piece together the fractured shards of memory from the night before. Dancing. Someone getting too close. Jeonghan pulled him away. That part he remembers, vaguely. Then… talking? Had they talked? Or had he just rambled while Jeonghan looked, probably annoyed out of his mind? Joshua cringes at the thought.

He forces himself to sit up fully, his head spinning as he swings his legs over the side of the bed. The floor is cold against his bare feet, grounding him slightly. The room itself is sparse but clean, definitely Jeonghan’s style. Minimalist, practical, no personal touches. A desk in the corner with neatly stacked papers, a chair, and a closed laptop. A single bookshelf, mostly filled with textbooks and a few novels.

Joshua lies back in the unfamiliar bed, staring at the ceiling. The room is quiet, save for the faint hum of the city outside the window. His head is pounding, but it’s not just the hangover. It’s the night before, the fragments of memories that don’t quite fit together and the unshakable embarrassment of needing to be carried out of the party.

Why did he let himself go like that? He barely recognized the version of himself from last night—the laughing, dancing, talking-too-much person who felt so far removed from who he usually was. And Jeonghan… Jeonghan had seen it all. That thought made his stomach churn more than the alcohol did.

For years, they had been like oil and water, never mixing without someone—usually Seungcheol—bridging the gap. Now, out of nowhere, Jeonghan had stepped in, helped him, taken care of him. Why? Joshua couldn’t shake the question. Was it out of obligation? Pity? Or had something shifted between them that he hadn’t noticed? Or maybe Seungcheol had advised him to, after all he had been checking his phone repeatedly.

He sighs, sitting up slowly, his head spinning slightly from the motion. He glances at the water bottle Jeonghan had left and takes a few gulps, trying to settle his stomach. The thought of food doesn’t appeal to him, but he remembers Jeonghan saying something about hangover soup in the kitchen. He figures it’s better than lying here, wallowing in his thoughts.

Pulling himself out of bed, Joshua stumbles slightly as he gets to his feet. His legs feel unsteady, his body heavy, but he manages to shuffle his way out of the room and toward the kitchen.

The kitchen is modern, clean and organized much like the rest of the apartment. On the counter, he spots a pot. He lets out a small, humorless laugh. Despite himself, he’s grateful for Jeonghan. He grabs a bowl from the cabinet and ladles some of the soup into it, the warm aroma filling the air. He sits down at the table, spooning the broth into his mouth slowly. The taste is comforting, rich and soothing against the rawness of his throat.

As he eats, he hears footsteps approaching, followed by a familiar voice, low and grumbling.

Now that is more like him.

“Whatever,” Jeonghan mutters finally. He hangs up with a huff, tossing his phone onto the counter.

Joshua watches him for a moment, unsure of what to say. Jeonghan looks over, noticing him sitting at the table. There’s a brief pause, a moment of silence between them that feels heavier than it should. Joshua takes a deep breath, deciding to say what he’s been thinking about since he woke up.

“I have to go,” he says quietly, looking up at Jeonghan.

Jeonghan’s reaction is immediate. His eyebrows raise slightly, his posture stiffens and he looks at him like he’s just said something completely unexpected. “The soup isn’t a magic remedy.”

“I appreciate what you did, really, but I can’t stay here.” Joshua replies, his voice calm despite the lingering haze in his mind.

Jeonghan crosses his arms, leaning against the counter. His expression is unreadable as it always is, but there’s a flicker of annoyance, maybe, or concern in his eyes. “You’re still hungover. You can barely walk straight and you think it’s a good idea to leave?”

“I’ll be fine.” Joshua says, though he doesn’t sound entirely convinced himself.

“Where off? to catch a plane?” Jeonghan asks, raising an eyebrow at him, clearly amused.

“I said that when I was drunk I assume.”

“Oh you’d be surprised to know how many things you said.”

Joshua closes his eyes, needing to forget last night happened. “I’ve already taken up enough of your time.” He says, loudly getting up. “I’ll be on my way.” He doesn’t want to say anything more than he should.

Jeonghan’s eyes narrow slightly and for a moment, he just stares at him, like he’s trying to figure out what’s really going on. “I’ll drive you,” he says, grabbing his keys from the shelf beside the tv. “Gramp’s still waiting for the book.”

Joshua looks down at his hands, unsure of how to respond. He feels a strange mix of annoyance and gratitude. He wouldn’t be waiting for a cab in this cold and well Jeonghan was the one to offer, he could’ve just let him go. He shrugs, going with the flow instead of following the script he made in his head.

The engine hums softly as the white Mercedes glides through the streets of Seoul. The city is alive with lights and movement, a vibrant reminder of everything Joshua had missed during his absence. Jeonghan’s car is exactly the model Joshua would have picked for himself—sleek, understated and powerful. The kind of car he dreams of owning someday, though he knows deep down he wouldn’t use it enough to justify the expense. It’s always someday, always the future. He finds himself thinking that a lot. The future will solve everything. Or so he hopes.

A sigh escapes him, unbidden but heavy, drawing the older’s attention. 

Jeonghan hums lightly, glancing at him before refocusing on the road. “Regretting it?” he asks casually, his tone neither judgmental nor concerned. Just Jeonghan being Jeonghan.

Joshua chuckles dryly, devoid of humor. “Just thinking.”

“Oh, so, finally existing.” Jeonghan smirks, his words teasing but his delivery sharp enough to sting.

Joshua rolls his eyes and turns to look out the window. The Seoul skyline stretches out before him, both familiar and foreign. It’s been years since he was last here. Some of those days had been good, days when he hadn’t felt like he was suffocating under the weight of his own solitude.

“Why’d you book a hotel room?”

Joshua turns to him, eyebrows raised. “You cannot be seriously asking.”

“Humor me,” Jeonghan replies with a small grin, eyes still on the road.

He lets out a soft snort, shaking his head. But he answers. “We sold our house.”

“And let me guess,” Jeonghan says, not missing a beat. “You didn’t think to contact any of your friends to stay with for a few days?”

Joshua has no answer to that, so he stays silent.

“Friends?”

He scoffs faintly. “Who?”

“Cheol-ah,” Jeonghan offers without hesitation, a single name loaded with meaning. Using the nickname means that they’ve kept contact with each other.

Joshua stiffens slightly. “He’s taken.”

Jeonghan gives him a pointed look, his voice incredulous. “He wouldn’t have minded.”

“Well, I do,” Joshua says sharply, a note of finality creeping into his tone. “I don’t want to bother him.”

The conversation hangs in the air, heavy and unresolved, as Jeonghan pulls into the hotel’s parking lot. He parks smoothly and turns, fixing him with an expectant look. “Say that again.”

Instead, Joshua opens the car door and steps out, slamming it shut behind him. He doesn’t bother waiting for Jeonghan, heading straight into the hotel. His steps are purposeful, but he can feel the latter following him. He reaches his room quickly, unlocking the door with a swipe of the key card. Just as he goes to close it, Jeonghan’s hand shoots out, stopping it mid-swing.

“Don’t tell me you’re mad,” Jeonghan says, leaning casually against the door frame, though his eyes glint with curiosity. “I was merely stating a fact.”

Joshua shakes his head, his voice calm. “I agreed for you to drive and you did. Thank you.”

“What—” Jeonghan starts but Joshua doesn’t let him finish. He closes the door firmly in his face.

Leaning against the door, he exhales deeply, his breath shuddering as he steadies himself. The stairs had been a poor choice but elevators always felt too confining. He lets his head fall back against the wood, eyes closing briefly as the muffled sounds of the hotel seep into his awareness.

He wasn’t mad. Not really. But he was tired. Tired of questions that force him to confront things he isn’t ready to face. Tired of the guilt gnawing at him, the feeling that he didn’t quite belong anywhere anymore. Most of all, he is tired of how much effort it took to keep everything buried, even with someone like Jeonghan—especially with someone like Jeonghan.

The hot water cascades over his tired body, washing away the lingering tension from the night. He lets out a soft sigh, savoring the brief reprieve. This was exactly what he needed. A moment of peace, just him and the comforting heat. He takes his time, allowing the water to work its magic before finally stepping out and wrapping himself in a plush towel.

Dressing in warm layers, he moves with purpose. The chill of Seoul in winter is biting and he has no intention of being caught unprepared. His movements are methodical as he tidies up the room, folding clothes, zipping his luggage and double-checking every corner to ensure he hasn’t forgotten anything. There’s no way he’s wasting more money on another night here; he’s already spent too much. This trip wasn’t a vacation. It wasn’t even meant to be an extended stay.

After a final sweep of the room, he picks up his luggage and walks to the door. His hand lingers on the handle for a moment before pulling it open. What he sees stops him cold.

Standing in the hallway, smiling like it’s the most natural thing in the world, is Seungcheol.

Joshua's jaw drops. “What are you—what are you doing here?” His voice stumbles over itself, his breath catching as he glances down the hall, almost expecting the vision to vanish if he looks away. But Seungcheol is still there, as real as ever.

“A bird tipped me off,” Seungcheol says, his smile widening.

He chuckles, though it’s a dry, humorless sound. He leans against the doorframe, trying to regain his composure. “He woke you up?”

“He did,” Seungcheol confirms with a slight nod. “Which is why he’s paying.”

Joshua blinks, tilting his head in confusion. “He’s what now?”

The older gestures vaguely. “Coffee. On him.”

“Right. Old times.” He lets out a real laugh this time, though it’s tinged with disbelief.

“Shua-yah,” Seungcheol starts, his tone shifting to something softer.

“I’ll pass,” he says quickly, stepping back into the safety of his doorway. “I need to go.”

“Where?” Jeonghan’s voice cuts through the moment as he rounds the corner, his hands stuffed into his coat pockets. “To catch a plane?” He raises his arms dramatically, glancing between them. “You guys were taking forever.”

Joshua narrows his eyes. Of course, Jeonghan would be here, too. He’s clearly enjoying this, the smirk on his face practically gleaming with satisfaction. He should’ve known better than to think last night’s civility would last.

Seungcheol shakes his head, ignoring Jeonghan’s theatrics. “So early? We barely saw you.”

“Yeah, well, he’s busy,” Jeonghan interjects, speaking for him as if he weren’t standing right there. He even throws in an exaggerated expression toward the older, earning a pointed look in return.

Joshua grits his teeth, resisting the urge to snap back. He doesn’t want to reveal his career in a moment of rage. Instead, he watches as Seungcheol gestures for Jeonghan to leave. The latter ignores him.

“Did you book already?” Seungcheol asks, turning his attention back to him.

“Not really,” Joshua admits reluctantly, his grip tightening on his luggage handle.

“Great,” Jeonghan cuts in before Seungcheol can respond. “Let’s go.” He’s already walking toward the elevator, clearly assuming they’ll follow.

Joshua closes his eyes, exhaling slowly. He’s not going anywhere with Jeonghan in the vicinity, not today. The patience he managed to muster last night is long gone and he doesn’t trust himself to sit through another day of Jeonghan’s relentless commentary. Although, the latter did promise that he wouldn’t reveal anything if he doesn’t, right now it seems as though the promise was never made.

“It would be fun,” Seungcheol says, his tone almost convincing. He starts walking after Jeonghan but pauses, looking back at him with a small smile. “Consider it.”

Joshua sighs deeply, torn. It’s been so long since he’s seen Seungcheol and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss him. Despite the chaos of the morning and the irritation bubbling under his skin, there’s a pull he can’t quite ignore. He steps out of the room, his resolve faltering slightly as he follows after them. Maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be the worst thing to linger a little longer.

The coffee shop is warm and inviting, a sharp contrast to the crisp winter air outside. Joshua settles into his seat, the smell of freshly brewed coffee mingling with the quiet hum of conversations around them. He places his luggage by his feet, ignoring the questioning glance Jeonghan throws his way.

“Was the luggage necessary?” Jeonghan starts, leaning back with a smirk.

Joshua clenches his jaw, the irritation bubbling up before he can stop it. “Do you ever shut up?” he snaps, his voice sharper than he intended.

Jeonghan grins, completely unfazed. “I think your drunk self and I would be great friends,” he quips, throwing a wink in his direction before waving a hand to get the waiter’s attention.

Joshua fists his hands under the table, resisting the urge to throw a sharp retort or worse. Instead, he bites his lip, glancing at the older. Sure enough, Seungcheol is watching them, his gaze flicking between them with a raised eyebrow. He seems entertained, rather than concerned.

Jeonghan, never one to leave a comment well enough alone, nods smugly and adds, “He’s funny too.”

Seungcheol doesn’t take the bait, though. Instead, he turns to him with a worried expression. “Are you alright? Does your head hurt?”

He shakes his head, grateful for the shift in focus. “I’m fine now but I’m not drinking ever again. It was the worst morning.”

“They didn’t build Rome in one night.” Jeonghan shrugs nonchalantly.

Joshua huffs, rolling his eyes, but the sound of Seungcheol laughing softens the edge of his annoyance. He shakes his head, forcing his mind to quiet before it spirals into overthinking. He doesn’t remember clearly what happened last night between his drunken self and Jeonghan but he must have revealed quite a lot for the latter to suddenly be aware of his presence in their seating.

“He’s right,” Seungcheol says, his voice warm. “When you drink, you need to rest. You’ve never taken a real day to rest, even when we were studying. You’re always moving, always working.”

Seungcheol isn’t wrong and Joshua knows it. Rest isn’t something he allows himself unless his body forces him to. It feels like a waste of time, like he’s falling behind on something important. As an author, he tells himself he can write anywhere, anytime, as long as he’s making progress, it’s productive. Even now, his laptop is in his bag, ready for the long plane ride where he plans to spend hours writing. The thought of mentioning this to Seungcheol, though, feels ridiculous. How could he explain the self-imposed deadlines and inner rules that govern his life without sounding obsessive?

“He’s busy,” Jeonghan says as the waiter sets down their drinks. He picks up his cup, leaning back in his chair with a smug expression. “Our friend here has a promising career waiting for him.”

Joshua stiffens, his eyes narrowing slightly. There’s no sarcasm in Jeonghan’s tone, which is unusual. But it’s Jeonghan and even without the mockery, the phrasing feels loaded, like it’s meant to provoke. Seungcheol, however, doesn’t seem to notice.

“I expect nothing less,” the older says, nodding with a smile. The sincerity in his voice catches Joshua off guard, leaving him unsure whether to laugh or run. Instead, he takes a sip of his hot chocolate, letting the warmth spread through his hands as he grips the mug tightly. He wants to tell him but maybe when he makes something more of himself.

He clears his throat, eager to steer the conversation away from himself. “So, what have you been up to?”

“That’s right,” Jeonghan chimes in, leaning forward. “Share with your fam.”

Seungcheol smiles, settling back in his chair. “I became a lawyer. It’s a busy life but it’s what I expected.”

“Following in your father’s footsteps,” Jeonghan comments, his tone neutral.

Seungcheol nods. “You could say that. What about you?”

Joshua tilts his head, looking between the two. Of all the things he expected, it wasn’t Jeonghan and Seungcheol catching up like old friends. They used to be inseparable once. Now, sitting here, he wonders if he’d been wrong. Still, the unspoken weight of whatever fractured their friendship lingers in the air, making it impossible for him to ask outright.

“I’m wasting time like everyone would call it,” Jeonghan says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. It’s the kind of smile that feels more like a mask than an expression.

Seungcheol studies him for a moment before leaning back, his arms crossing loosely. “You know, you can do anything and take everything you want. What’s holding you back?”

The question hangs in the air, heavy and unspoken. Joshua glances at Jeonghan, waiting for the usual sarcastic deflection, but it doesn’t come. Instead, Jeonghan shrugs, looking away as he takes a sip of his drink. 

“Maybe I don’t want it,” Jeonghan says finally, his voice quiet, almost contemplative.

Seungcheol doesn’t push but his gaze lingers, thoughtful. Joshua shifts uncomfortably in his seat, feeling like an intruder in a moment he doesn’t quite understand. He looks down at his drink, tracing the rim of the cup with his finger. The tension between the three of them is palpable, but it’s not entirely unpleasant. For a moment, it feels like the kind of silence that could lead to something honest, something real.

Joshua glances up at Seungcheol, then at Jeonghan. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

The coffee shop buzzes softly around them but Joshua feels disconnected from it all. The conversation between Seungcheol and Jeonghan drifts into territory he’s not familiar with—discussions about life choices, past decisions and responsibilities. It’s the kind of conversation that feels intimate, built on a history Joshua doesn’t share. Normally, he wouldn’t find himself sitting through this. Jeonghan rarely indulges in serious talk and Joshua doesn’t feel like he knows either of them well enough anymore to join in.

Just as he’s about to excuse himself, the buzz of the lawyer's phone interrupts. Seungcheol checks the screen and quickly apologizes, whispering, “Urgent case,” before stepping away to answer it.

Joshua nods, staring down at his empty cup. Even the cookies he’d nibbled at are gone. His hand drifts to his phone, tempted to look up the next available flight out. This trip feels like a detour he shouldn’t have taken and staying longer might only stir feelings he’s been trying to leave behind.

“Hey.” Jeonghan’s snapping fingers break through his thoughts and Joshua looks up to see him smirking. “You’re not gonna ask?”

“Ask what?” Joshua counters, raising an eyebrow.

“You’re not curious?” Jeonghan leans forward slightly, the smirk widening into a grin.

Joshua shrugs, feigning indifference. “Are you going to say something like, ‘Why would I work when I have a lot of money?’ Or, ‘Life’s all about fun, no regrets later,’ or maybe, ‘You’re too young to be so serious about work’?”

“Along those lines, actually,” Jeonghan replies, taking a mockingly deep breath. “You’d make a good writer.”

Joshua rolls his eyes. “And you’d make a lazy villain.”

Jeonghan laughs, though Joshua catches the flicker of something else in his eyes—maybe annoyance, maybe regret. It’s hard to tell with Jeonghan, who wears humor like armor. Before he can dwell on it, the latter stands, tossing a hand toward the counter. “I’ll pay the bill. You’re welcome.”

Seungcheol returns just as Jeonghan steps away, tapping him on the shoulder in a playful thanks. He turns back with a warm, questioning look. “You don’t have to go, do you?”

Joshua hesitates, the weight of his unfinished book and looming deadlines pressing on him. But when Seungcheol looks at him like that, like they’re still the same friends who shared late-night study sessions and laughed at nothing, it’s hard to say no. “I guess I can stay for a few more days,” he says, his words hesitant but genuine.

“Good.” Seungcheol exhales in relief. “I have to head out now, case is calling, but we should grab a meal or just hang out, like we used to. If you’re up for it.”

“Yeah, sure. I’d love that,” Joshua replies, his smile soft and unguarded.

“My doors are open if you need a place to stay,” Seungcheol offers, though there’s a slight hesitation in his voice.

“No,” Joshua cuts in, shaking his head. “I appreciate the offer, but I don’t think it’s fair—”

“For my partner?” Seungcheol finishes for him, a knowing look in his eyes.

“I saw,” Joshua corrects with a faint smile. “Congratulations.”

“He wouldn’t mind.”

“I would. Besides…” He trails off, searching for an excuse that doesn’t sound like he’s trying to run away.

“I can offer,” Jeonghan interjects as he returns. “I’ve got a spare room I barely use.”

Seungcheol looks at him, his gaze concerned. “Would you be comfortable?”

Joshua nods slowly, more out of politeness than certainty. It’s not like he has a choice. The older wouldn’t let him sleep in a hotel.

“Well,” Jeonghan says with a smug grin, “he slept in it once and didn’t wake up with back pain. I only have high-quality furniture.”

Seungcheol rolls his eyes while Joshua sighs, muttering, “You’re insufferable.” He slips into the back seat of Jeonghan’s car as they leave the coffee shop. His luggage is beside him as he only booked one night, having believed to return the moment the party is over.

“He slept in my bed,” Jeonghan says with mock indignation as he starts the engine. “I’d say I’m quite generous.”

“Don’t ever say it like that,” Seungcheol warns, his tone sharp but playful.

“Why? I quite like the sound of it.” Jeonghan winks at him through the rearview mirror.

Joshua laughs despite himself. “You wish.”

“You decided to stay.”

“For a few days,” Joshua corrects, though his tone is lighter now. There’s no longer that quiet jab in it whenever the latter tries to tease him. He places a hand on Seungcheol’s shoulder, giving back a taste of what he endured the morning. “I miss my friend.”

Seungcheol glances back at him, his smile genuine and taps Jeonghan’s thigh once. “We missed you too.”

‿︵‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿︵‿

Spending a few days in Seoul has always felt like a dream he’d take on in the far future. He never imagined his life back in Seoul after spending his entire student life being invisible, a person who couldn’t fit in with others. It was the kind of life that he simply didn’t belong to. After spending time away, he had found his own rhythm, realized that the popular and outgoing life wasn’t for him.

Spending it with none other than Yoon Jeonghan was like never ever going to happen.

Then again, never say never.

Despite what he had initially thought would happen, which was a non ending argument coming out here and then, it actually had been quite enjoyable. After all, Jeonghan wasn’t in the house. He dropped him and then drove off, muttering about something he needed to check. Not one to be curious about others, Joshua didn’t ask more.

It’s like living alone, only in Seoul. For the two days, he spent them in the guest room, working on his book and emailing his editor about the scene he needed to remake. When it comes to lunch time, he ordered take out, some he would heat up and eat at dinner or skip it all. It’s a bad habit he had acquired while in his productive mindset. Food becomes a waste of time and a moment to draw him out of his creative bubble.

However, writer’s blocks still come.

Today, he leaves the guest room and steps into the living room with his computer. Jeonghan didn’t warn him about places he shouldn’t approach. He literally told him to act like he’s in his own house. Therefore, for a change, he sits in the big living room. The grey couch is comfortable and the dark gray decorative pillows are soft to touch. After settling his computer on one of the pillows, he gets up.

It’s past midday and lunch time, but it’s only now the hunger kicked in. He doesn’t want to spend money on take out as he doesn’t feel hungry, he just wants to eat something light and ramen would do. He’s been craving to make a pot for himself the moment he walked out of the airport.

He tiptoes to the open kitchen, leaning on the counter. Maybe he should go out and buy ramen instead of using the pack that the latter has. For sure, he’s too rich to care about one being used but it’s bad manners. However, going out means he has to change and prepare to fight the chill weather of the afternoon. Still, it’s bad to use something with asking for permission, they aren’t friends. Pulling away, he hears the door open.

The cold wind is the first to enter the warmth of the house, then Jeonghan who looks like he barely slept. Despite the cold weather, the latter is only wearing a sweater with the hood pulled over his head and sweatpants. A black matching set who completes the annoyed and exhausting look on his face.

“Sorry,” Joshua clears his throat, not wanting the latter to think anything outside the box. “I was just going out, I need to buy something.”

In a blink, the exhaustion and irritation he previously wore is gone and replaced by a more refreshing look, the kind that actually suits him. The face he always wears at school, universities, outings and everywhere. The face of a man who’s always ten steps ahead and too nonchalant to be irritated at anything because he always had the wittiest comeback.

“Do you want a ride?”

“No, no. Thanks.” Joshua shakes his head and hands. He didn’t expect him to offer, especially after coming back tired. The only reason he said what he said is because he doesn’t want to be stuck in the same place as him. It would be too uncomfortable.

“I don’t mind.” The latter replies, his voice hoarse probably from too much shouting or drinking, whatever it is that he’s been doing.

“It’s just to the convenience store, there’s one nearby. I’m just grabbing a pack of ramen.”

Jeonghan raises an eyebrow at him and Joshua very much feels judged at the moment. He blinks, waiting for whatever teasing remark to happen so that he can go back to what he was doing. Though, he certainly is better off without. If he brought the packs, he’ll have to cook. He’ll have to cook in front of the latter and that must be the second uncomfortable thing to happen beside sharing the living room with an awkward silence.

“I’m sure I have some left, you might find something you like.” Jeonghan says, pointing to the cabin. There’s no smirk, no teasing remark and despite the clean look, he looks exhausted. His voice also is no longer high and cheerful, it’s low like he can barely speak.

It’s none of his business, Joshua knows and they’re not friends. However, ignoring a person isn’t something he can do. Even though the latter hasn’t been kind to him, it would be immature to let old grudges cloud his judgements. They’re both adults and the college days are over.

“Is everything alright?” He asks, trying to gauge for a reaction in case he doesn’t receive a reply.

For a quiet moment, Jeonghan seems to actually think about it. He frowns as though he were to recall if something had been upsetting, then he smiles and nods. “I’ll grab a shower. Can you make me a separate pot? I’m starving and I like mine a little spicy.”

How does he know their spice tolerance is different?

“Thank you,” Jeonghan mutters, walking to his room which is on the other side of the apartment.

Joshua sighs, shaking his head. He really can barely get a grip of his thoughts whenever the latter is around. He wonders the reason why. No one has been able to make him lose hold of reality and fumble his thoughts, not even when he was a teenager and had a crush. Could it be that he was mean back then when he used to mock the boys and girls that go crazy because of him?

It does make an exaggerated plot for his romance.

He shakes his head, walking around the counter to grab the pots. Then, he grabs four, two for each of them. As he puts the water to boil, he walks to the fridge, hoping to find eggs. However, it is surprisingly empty. It’ll be too late to run to the convenience store, maybe another day.

While waiting, he walks back to his laptop, searching for the drama he’s been watching. It’s a funny romcom unlike everything he’s ever written. He doesn’t know why all of his books take a horrifying and traumatic side. A mystery even to him, his main characters always feel like they have to accomplish something to be seen. 

He doesn’t bother plating, deciding to eat from the pot as he doesn’t see a problem in it. Even at his own house, he skips the bowl and the pretty decoration as it only takes much of his time and isn’t necessary. Since it doesn’t take much and he has no idea how much the latter would take, he doesn’t start cooking his portion yet.

On his knees, he eats by the coffee table while watching the episode play on his computer screen. The pot keeps the food hot and on this cold day, there’s no better option. A laugh escapes him at the male’s lead accent. It’s a thought that never crossed his mind, probably because he barely talks to anyone and his circle of friends is small. A question burning at his mind which would surely never be answered just like all the fleeting questions he once had.

If anything’s bad about being alone most of the time is when there’s a burning question in your head and no one around to answer it.

He’s halfway through his meal when Jeonghan walks out of the hallway, wearing a thin long sleeved shirt and black pants. Joshua pauses the video, taking one last bit as he gets up.

“It’s fine.” Jeonghan says, waving him dismissively. “Just finish your meal first.”

“I eat very slowly,” Joshua warns, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and besides he can keep it slightly warm if he puts the lid on. He doesn’t mind eating his food cold, kinda got used to it. A slow eater always eats the last part of his food cold.

Jeonghan watches him put the lid on as he takes a seat on the couch. His eyes wander to where he has been seated and to the computer. “You can use the tv.”

“I like my computer better,” Joshua answers, putting the water to boil. He turns around, facing the living room. “It’s easier to manage. With the tv you have to pause and go back and it takes time to follow what you want but on the computer it’s just a click.”

“You’re weird.”

“It’s true, though.” He retorts, giving his back to the latter as he starts opening the package. It gives him something to occupy his mind when the water still hasn’t boiled. Even though it’s some minutes away, Joshua can’t stop thinking about where the latter would sit when he finishes preparing. Would he sit beside him at the coffee table or on the kitchen counter? Would he walk back to his room?

It’s something he shouldn’t be thinking about. The latter has been kind enough to offer his guest room for free and let him eat his food. Joshua isn’t normally rude and he wouldn’t consider himself being rude at the moment but together it’s like a negative and a positive wire. They don’t match well. They can’t sit in the same place without making it awkward.

“Do you want to drink?”

Joshua shakes his head, startled by the sudden appearance of Jeonghan by the fridge. He’s been so quiet, some would mistake him for a thief. “I’m good,” he replies, pouring the noodles in the boiling pot of water.

“Right. Never drinking again,” Jeonghan hums more to himself before leaning on the wall beside the fridge and looking at him. “I have soda if you want.”

“You’ve been drinking bottles instead of glasses, how come you weren’t drunk?” Joshua asks, astonished by his question and the boldness of speaking it outloud. It’s stupid but he hates the way Jeonghan is looking at him like he has been a fool that night and maybe he was, but it’s something that he’s been trying to forget.

Jeonghan chuckles, closing the fridge after grabbing a can of soda. “Do you remember what I told you that night, before walking inside?”

He hums, nodding his head. “You spoke about negative attention or something like that.”

“I did.” The latter confirms with a nod, a smile pulling at his lips. “How could I get drunk in an environment where everyone wishes for my downfall?”

Joshua smiles, looking down at the noodles he’s stirring inside the pot. He adds the seasoning, making sure it is mixed well before adding the spice. Back then, when envy used to settle in his heart, it used to leave an ugly feeling at its wake. This afternoon, he isn’t mad or envious, just jealous. Jeonghan is smart even when he doesn’t look like it, even when he doesn’t make the effort.

He used to envy him back in the days, would sit hours reading the hate tweets of the students that mocks his actions, hate his outfits, cry at his confidence. They would fight over who’d be the first to notice anything unusual about the way he talks, the way he styles his hair, the way he wins the sport contest, the way he ends debate with a smirk after saying the most mean counterargument.

Jeonghan might have had a lot of people falling for his charm but he also had double the amount of people who wished him failure, who wished they were in his place. For being in his circle of friends, Joshua still belonged to the second category of people who wished they could be him even if for just one day.

“Do you want a tip?” Jeonghan asks, taking the spice and pouring half of it. “If you ever get invited to those big events. Who knows? You might make it big.”

“Is that a new way of making fun of me now?” Joshua asks, letting go of the chopsticks and taking a step back.

“I just read your break and thought it would make a good movie.”

Joshua freezes, blood running cold at the words leaving the latter’s mouth. It must be April already. “You want to make a movie out of my book?” He asks, because asking for confirmation would be insulting. He knows Jeonghan reads whenever he wants and most of the time it’s manga comics if not the books that they were tasked to read at college.

“I want you to make a movie out of your book,” Jeonghan corrects, tilting his head to the side. “Why should anyone profit out of it when it’s your idea?”

He rolls his eyes at him, the idea never once having popped in his mind. He takes the chopsticks back from his hand, making sure it is mixed well but really he just needs to do something. “Grab yourself a bowl.”

“Why bother, it’s more dishes that I do not want to do.”

“You want to eat from the pot?”

“Convenient,” Jeonghan replies, taking a seat on the stool. 

Joshua rolls his eyes, walking away as he bites the inside of his cheek. Of course it is convenient, besides it keeps the food hot. Taking a seat by his own pot, he glances back at the older. He really knows nothing about him while the latter seems to know quite a lot. All Joshua knows is the rumor and what attitude would seem more fitting to the untouchable Yoon Jeonghan who’s above everyone. Not once did he think the latter have a normal life like everyone else around him. He also believed the latter would live in a big house with maids doing everything for him instead of living in the same apartment from his college days. Though, back in high school, he did have a big house and a maid. Some of the rumors are true about him.

He watches in silence the rest of his series, giggling quietly, instead of laughing out loud in order to not break the comfortable rhythm that settled in the living area. When he’s done, he grabs the pot and walks to the sink.

“Leave it. I’ll do it.”

“I’m fine.”

“Do you talk back that much?” Jeonghan asks, looking up at him with a glint of amusement in his eyes. “I didn’t hear that from Seungcheol, he said you never opposed much. Did he lie?”

Joshua sighs, meeting his stare with annoyance. “Fine. You do the dishes.”

“Ji, Do you want a bite?”

“No.” Joshua blinks, brushing his hair behind his ear. He can’t tell if the latter is purposely acting to annoy him or just is naturally annoying.

“Why? It’s not that spicy. You may like it.” Jeonghan insists, holding a bite for him to take.

For a second, Joshua wonders if he’s seeing it right. The latter is offering him a bite out of his own chopsticks. He might not read much into it but friends do not share the same chopsticks and if they do, they definitely don’t feed each other. Back in college, the only people who had done so, had either been a couple or ended up together. They’re neither.

There’s also a rumor about Jeonghan never sharing his food with anyone, especially not from the same utensils. Is it really just another rumor?

The door is unlocked, pushed open. Once again, the cold wind greets them first. It saves them both from thinking much about his hesitation. Yes, even himself.

“I’m busy!” Jeonghan shouts, dropping the chopsticks back in the pot. He doesn’t make an effort to stand up, only turning around and raising an eyebrow at whoever is coming inside.

His grandfather.

“Yah!” the man shouts, before his eyes make out his silhouette. He stops in his tracks and a smile appears on his face. “Jisoo-ssi. I didn’t think you’d take my offer and stay, let alone here. We’re honored. Are you treating him well? Turn on the heater—”

“We’re good.” Jeonghan interrupts, getting up and pulling at his grandfather’s sleeve to get him out of the house. “What do you want?”

Joshua takes a step back, even though the curiosity burns. He doesn’t want to invade the latter’s privacy or be part of a conversation that doesn’t involve him. Jeonghan pushing the conversation away from the house is the sign he needs. However, as he prepares to go to the bathroom and wash his hands, the words escape and he isn’t fast enough.

“How old are you to fight with your father again?”

It wasn’t a secret that Jeonghan’s relationship with his father was like a castle built on sand. Everyone has been aware that the two shared more arguments than a conversation. Back in college days, he used to hear Seungcheol advising him to be calm and not try to anger his father much. Jeonghan would never reply, but he would be absent for a few days or have the same talk again which proved he never did listen to the older’s words.

Joshua steps inside the bathroom and closes the door. He grabs his toothbrush and faces the mirror. “None of your business,” he mutters to himself. His heart clearly doesn’t agree, refusing to turn his back on a friend.

Stepping out, he finds the latter cleaning the dishes that are on the sink. He approaches out of curiosity because the older’s pot was still full when he left. Indeed, it’s still partly full but the latter is already moving on, cleaning everything away, even the chopsticks.

Before he grabs the pot, Joshua reaches for it. “Are you going to throw away food?” He asks, looking up at the latter with a raised eyebrow that resembles a scolding.

“Lost my appetite.” Jeonghan replies, barely glancing at him.

“I’ll have it.”

“It’s cold.”

“I put the lid on it when you left,” he replies, grabbing a pair of the chopsticks that have been cleaned and stirring the leftover. “It keeps it warm.”

True to his words, it’s still warm. He blows on it a little before lifting to his mouth and taking a small bite. It is spicy, after all. The taste is there and the spice makes it better until it’s too much and his tongue burns. He opens his mouth and waves his hand up and down beside it as though he can cool it down. It’s way spicier than he thought.

There’s a chuckle beside him but no teasing remark.

“Drink this.” Jeonghan says, sliding a bottle of water beside him. “Unless you prefer milk.”

“I’m good.” Joshua mutters, taking another bite. It’s delicious even if it’s spicy. He can handle it. There’s only a few more bites and then he’ll be done. He doesn’t want to open the small packages of flavored milk just for a few bites. There’s also part of him that wants to challenge how much he could resist.

Jeonghan laughs beside him, reaching out for the second pair of chopsticks and taking a bite. “Is it really that spicy for you?”

“No,” Joshua denies, even as his entire face feels hot. He places his hand on his cheek, cooling himself down. He risks a glance at the latter who’s already looking at him with amusement but also fondness, like the way one would observe a cute little kitten taking its first step. “What?”

Jeonghan shakes his head, taking the last bite and putting everything in the sink. “Grab yourself some milk, it’s refreshing.”

He nods, walking to the fridge because then, they’ll be standing back to back and he won’t have to look at his silly face. “Your fridge is empty,” he notices, deciding that he won’t be the topic of the next conversation. “How come?”

“I don’t know how to cook.”

“You should still have the basic things.” Joshua says, because there’s really nothing in the fridge apart from soda, liquor and flavoured milk.

“Like what?” Jeonghan asks, opening the door of the fridge and leaning on it. Though his eyes are on him instead of the empty spaces of the fridge.

Thankfully, they are about the same height. But also not. The latter can see every expression on his face and that’s not something Joshua is used to people doing. He always wore hoodies in order to hide, his hair always messily falling forward to cover his eyes.

On the contrary, Jeonghan never wore anything to hide his eyes. His hair, whether it was long or short, is always parted in the middle to reveal his eyes. He never felt the need to hide in front of others because he’s just like art. Even on display, people struggle to comprehend him. Instead of feeling shameful and hiding like others, he stands proud, confidently doing what he wants despite the words that run behind his back. He stands unaffected, floating like no one can bring him down.

“Can I ask you something?” Joshua asks, looking into his deep brown eyes.

Jeonghan hums, his eyes opening wide like he’s genuinely curious. It mocks him in ways Joshua can’t yet comprehend. He doesn’t know why there’s this stark difference between them. He doesn’t know why even in unfortunate moments, Jeonghan doesn’t seem to be held back at all. Not even his fights with his father can stop him from smiling.

“Why aren’t we friends?”

The latter grins wide and Joshua closes his eyes. He shakes his head, walking away, refusing to hear the answer if he ever gets one. The only thing that he’ll receive is teasing words and remarks. He should’ve known, maybe part of him did, but there’s still that weak part inside of him that earns for longing and answers he never got to have. That part should be silenced. Because it’s been years. Because whatever answers, it won’t bring back the years and it won’t change anything.

“You want to be my friend?”

“No.”

“Yes.” Jeonghan replies, following him to the couch. “You do.”

“I don’t.” Joshua replies, taking a seat on the corner of the couch and grabbing his computer. He doesn’t know why he took a seat, probably because it’s closer and he doesn’t want the latter to follow him into the room which is a bit messy.

“There’s no shame in admitting.” Jeonghan replies, sliding into the seat that is in front of him. “Everyone wants to be my friend.”

“That’s exactly why people hate you. You’re so arrogant.”

The smile on the older’s face falls and he stares at him as though he’s just been hit by a brick. His eyes are blank, instead of narrowing at him out of anger. Like a wall painted over too many times. The words do not shake an emotion out of him.

“That’s why you hate me.” Jeonghan says, like a thought more than anything. “Because I’m arrogant.”

Joshua shakes his head, clenching his fists by his side. He never meant to say it, the latter pressed too much and he didn’t want to admit that back then, even he wanted to be his friend. All his friends were cool, people fought to be kept around him.

“I don’t,” he mutters, shaking his head. “That’s not true.”

There’s a tense silence that the older doesn’t bother to fill in. He turns his back to him, grabbing at the remote and searching for a drama to put on. It’s completely silent, that Joshua feels like shit. It’s true, back then Jeonghan used to be insufferable and full of himself around others, others who competed with the same attitude. They were all teenagers, fighting to be the best among each other. Recently, Jeonghan hasn’t been mean to him at all. It’s like a version of him that has matured.

He really should stop confusing the past and the present or else he won’t be able to move forward. Everyone has changed and has a career, a family. They each have a responsibility and lead their own life. It’s no longer about who’s better than the other, as long as they’ve all achieved what they wanted and are living happily.

“I’m—”

“I’m not arrogant,” Jeonghan says, putting the remote beside him. He gets up, stretching his arms and neck. “I simply speak the truth that people do not want to hear about me.”

“You’re not.” Joshua replies with a nod. “I’m sorry.”

Jeonghan looks away, walking back to his room. 

Whether he’s annoyed or not, Joshua can’t tell. He sighs, rubbing his hands together to keep them warm in this cold weather. He should get a grip or he might as well say goodbye to his short trip in Seoul. He should apologize. Sincerely apologize.

He puts his computer down, refusing to type anything until he makes real life slightly better. The characters can wait for a few minutes, it’s not like anything is going to happen while he’s away. Meanwhile, he might lose a friend before they became friends.

The footsteps echo this time before the latter appears. Joshua doesn’t even try to pretend he wasn’t going to stand up, nor does he pretend to ignore him. He looks at him and Jeonghan meets his gaze with a simple arch of an eyebrow. Not annoyed. Good for the start. Then, his eyes trail down to what he is holding. A grey cozy blanket.

“Grandpa wanted to tell you something earlier.”

Joshua points at himself.

Playing the game, Jeonghan nods with a smile. “I don’t see anyone here beside you.”

Returning the teasing, Joshua points at him with a smile.

“Are you mute?”

Joshua lifts a fist and shakes his head. It’s nothing personal, he just doesn’t want to accidentally say something inappropriate again. Besides, he needs to apologize and he doesn’t want a distraction.

Jeonghan sighs, tossing the blanket at him. “He was thinking about making a movie out of your book. You can refuse.”

He pulls the blanket out of his face and tilts his head to the side. “My book?”

“He speaks.”

“Yah—”

“Anyway,” Jeonghan mutters, looking away. “He wants me to assist you if you ever agree to make it happen. There’s no deadline, he’ll make it happen the moment you say yes. He also said that our country is beautiful and you should check out the scenery, it might help your decision.”

Joshua blinks, looking up at the latter. There’s no way he heard him right. They have just talked about it and now the thought is turning into a real idea. He never thought it would happen, especially with his book. They’ll have to rewrite quite some things to make a movie and well, he doesn’t mind as long as they don’t change the true facts of the book.

“You’re going to be my assistant?”

“You think I’m incapable of managing a movie release?” The latter asks, looking genuinely offended. “It would be like a business deal. Easy.”

They’ve had the same major, he doesn’t doubt his abilities. Besides, his family has a lot of business and he surely must’ve followed his grandfather’s lesson about how to become a good director. His father is one too. All of them manage a business big or small. They’re all following the same path.

Joshua shakes his head, the doubt never making it not when there are far greater issues. 

Assistant. 

“I never thought you’d take a position below me.” The words escaped him before he could think better of it, but it’s the truth. He never thought to see Yoon Jeonghan below anyone. He has always been at the top. He never took commands.

Jeonghan grins, smirking down at him as he leans forward, his arms cornering him by the couch. There’s little distance between them and Joshua makes it bigger by leaning back. He doesn’t know what the older’s playing at but he doesn’t like it. Besides, he has nowhere to go without addressing their position.

“You’re the one below me,” Jeonghan says, not in a mocking or arrogant way because then he wouldn’t be gesturing to their position.

Inappropriate position.

“Yah!” Joshua shouts, standing abruptly and dropping the blanket in the ground. The movement forces the older to take a step back and him a step forward, their feet getting tangled in the blanket. In a blink, what should’ve created distance between them pulls them to stick even closer.

Jeonghan falls on his back on the carpet, supporting himself on his elbows and Joshua falls on top of him. The shock settles first as his forehead rests on the older’s chest. He looks up and momentarily freezes as he sees Jeonghan’s expression change from pain to a grin which doesn’t reach his eyes in a blink.

“Now, I’m below you.” He says, like he hasn’t just winced out of pain.

Joshua pulls away, getting up. He doesn’t make it far as the latter grips his wrist, making him turn.

“Ji—”

“I don’t want to.” Joshua cuts in, shaking his head. “If the movie doesn’t do well, it will be criticized and that would take away my passion, the only thing that ever felt comfortable. What would become of me then? I don’t have the luxury of multiple income sources.”

Jeonghan blinks and tilts his head to the side, slightly resigned. “If you don’t try, you’ll never change anything in your life.”

“Why is everyone set on telling me how to live my life?” Joshua asks, raising an eyebrow at him. The answer he would never find, especially in someone who barely cares about his own life. “I don’t want the famous life. I lived fine being a nobody.” He mumbles, freeing his wrist and running to the guest room.

He locks it immediately, leaning his back on it. Closing his eyes, he doesn’t even want to imagine what would be the look on the latter’s face. Did he just give him another reason to pity him? Joshua sighs, slapping his mouth for not being able to shut up. It’s a curse to create problems now that the time is over. It should’ve been spoken years ago, not now.

A movie made by the big entrepreneur and directed by Yoon Jeonghan would make millions of views, not only to criticize them but also because they’re hella famous in Korea. There’s not a single soul who hasn’t come across their company, products, big pictures and their charity events. The collaboration would make his name plastered over a lot of surfaces and then the interest would shift from them to the movie to him. The quiet kid who never spoke, who always kept to himself.

He doesn’t want to imagine the talk that would sprout behind his back and all over social media. They will criticize him and then doubt his ability to write a book as he never volunteered to do anything back then. He doesn’t want to come across any faces, the party was a nightmare he doesn’t want repeated.

Cleaning the mess of his clothes, he kneels by his luggage. It was a bad idea to stay. If he leaves, everything stays behind like those bad days have never happened. He hasn’t joined with his real number, it’s a second phone he has purchased so there would be no way to reach him. Seungcheol is also busy with his job, he won’t notice.

Joshua sighs, laying down on the bed and staring up at the sky from the big window which takes almost half of the wall. Jeonghan’s apartment is beautiful. He always has an open view to the sky and the city and the heat is always turned on. Positioned in a clean street with everything nearby unlike his own house in the states where he has to take his mom’s car if he ever needed anything. 

Back then, he dreamed of living in Seoul but he had to give up.

He reaches for his computer on the bed night table, freezing mid way. It’s in the living room and Jeonghan would probably be laying there on the couch. Did he check his computer? He’s probably uninterested but he did say he read his book. Joshua groans, sitting up. Whatever happened, happened and he doesn’t care. He used to embarrass himself a lot, what difference does it make?

He unlocks the door, peeking his head in first. The living room is clear. Joshua sighs in relief before tiptoing toward his computer. He should grab it, along with his phone and walk back in the room but he stops. The episodes are complete, unlike the site he was watching from. Lucky. He hesitates, taking a seat. Jeonghan did say he could use the television. The only downside is the latter could come out of his room anytime. There’s another option which is asking for his account. Direct talk but only for a few minutes. It won’t take long and they won’t have to sit with each other.

He’s a grown up. He might as well stop side stepping here and there whenever he can. It’s childish.

Therefore, he starts the episode on the tv and sits back in his spot. The blanket is still there, so he uses it, covering himself as he types the last detail of the chapter onto the computer. His eyes flicker from time to time to the tv screen, enjoying the romcom.

However, it doesn’t feel right. The two of them never spoke but now they did and he realizes once again that not all the rumors about Yoon Jeonghan are true. Quite the opposite, he’s aware of his surroundings and nice. He’s reliable as Seungcheol used to say. A man who isn’t bothered by the image they set up for him.

An hour passes and some more. The sun began setting, casting a golden hue all over the living room. For a second, he believes the latter must’ve left. There’s not a sound in the apartment aside from the drama playing.

Joshua stands up. If the latter had ingredients, he would’ve cooked as an apology but there’s nothing in the fridge to make a complete meal. He walks further down the hall to Jeonghan’s room. Hesitation creeps in only for a few seconds before he chases it away by knocking on the door.

There’s a hum but nothing else.

Joshua doesn’t know what it means, rather ignores its meaning, he knocks again. He doesn’t want to walk in without permission, even though it has been given. It must not be for him.

There’s some shuffling and then footsteps. Jeonghan opens the door, leaning on the door frame looking quite surprised. “Hey, there.”

“It’s not like there’s anyone else in the house.” Joshua mutters, taking a step back. 

“I just never thought I’d live to a day where you’d come knocking on my room,” he emphasizes the words as though he had just lived a miracle. The surprise in his eyes only highlights how that probability never existed in his mind.

Joshua shakes his head, refusing to think more of it. “I’m hungry and I wanted to order take out, do you want some?”

“Are we eating together?” Jeonghan asks, wiggling his eyebrows once at him, a smile hiding behind his lips.

Surprise suits him better than playfulness because at least then he looks more human. On the other hand, playfulness isn’t all bad, it's a refreshing look on him because that’s when his eyes shine bright. He doesn’t only look human but more alive.

“Unless you want to eat in your room.” He mutters, looking down. It would sound weird coming out of his own mouth to invite the latter in his own house. Scratch it, the entire conversation shouldn’t even happen.

At his attempts to walk away, Jeonghan crosses the distance and leans forward until they’re facing each other, until their eyes are on each other. “Why are you always flustered when it’s just the two of us?” He asks, innocently as though it’s the most natural thing to ask a person.

Some things should not be mentioned. They are noticed but never mentioned.

Joshua turns his face to the side, breaking eye contact. “It’s nothing special,” he replies, calmly. “I never talk to people. Their proximity naturally makes me anxious.”

Jeonghan huffs, pulling away, buying the answer for now. After all, Joshua recognizes that particular sigh. It’s the one he does when he cannot figure something out. As long as he won’t press for answers, it should be enough. He’ll be leaving in a few days if not tomorrow. There’s no need to complicate the situation or stress himself about something that would stay in the past.

Once the older walks away, Joshua lets out a small relieved sigh. Then, he follows after him to the living room. They both take a seat on the couch, the latter sitting beside him so as not to block his view of the TV. They order fried chicken with soda, none in the mood to drink. Despite what he initially believed, the silence isn’t awkward even as they sit together. There’s also no need to fill it with words, but he’s no one's strongest soldier.

“You talk with a lot of people, right?”

Jeonghan tilts his head to the side, raising a single eyebrow at him. Everyone would be confused by the sudden question.

“Do you think accents are hot?” Joshua asks, feigning innocence and confusion. It’s a simple question.

Instead of an answer, Jeonghan looks back at the drama playing. He clicks his tongue and looks back at him. “Your question is if the accent makes the person hot or the other way around. You’re probably just noticing the accent because he is the main character.”

“Not true.” He denies, shamelessly. “I’m an author. I notice things.”

“Yeah, well it’s hard not to notice how hot the main character is.”

“He’s good looking and healthy.” Joshua shrugs, because he truly wouldn’t rank the actor in between the top three of the people he finds hot. “But he’s not my type.”

“The accent is?” Jeonghan teases.

“It’s the first drama I’m watching who has a noticeable accent,” he replies, crossing his arms on his chest. “I don’t care about the accent. It’s just a thought that I had while watching and I wanted to know if I’m the only one who noticed.” He says, pouting his lips absentmindedly. There’s no break from his teasing.

“Everyone is attractive in their own way.” Jeonghan replies, leaning back on the couch and staring at the ceiling. “The accent adds to the charm.”

Joshua watches, unable to tell what happened during his absence. Was Jeonghan always this civil? Was he talkative even around people who are below him? Did he enjoy the simple setting? Had he tired out of the party life? Or has Joshua been wrong the entire time? He knows for a fact that Jeonghan used to barely glance at him. His attention would only be on him whenever they had to work together, most of the time, it’s like he never existed.

Now, Jeonghan is leaning on the couch, settled between two pillows. He’s looking at his phone with not much interest as though there’s nothing important in the device. Still, he would frown from time to time, typing quickly before relaxing his face like he can decide if it’s worth his time or not. Even sprawled lazily in his random home clothes, he is in the control of the small device in his hand.

Joshua turns his attention back to his own computer but instead of getting immersed in the story, he clicks out. He closes the computer and lays on his side, watching the drama play. The entire scene is strange but it’s comfortably strange. Who would’ve imagined. Sitting in Yoon’s house. The man who he grew up hating, envying for having the perfect life and as if that is not enough, blessed with good looks, charms and personality.

Ding Dong.

“Your dinner arrived.” Jeonghan says, getting up and walking toward the door.

While he grabs the food, Joshua lingers by the couch. He doesn’t want to miss the small confession part, it’s his favorite. Time where the main character’s walls are down and she can finally allow herself to be happy. Unlike his main character who forced happiness to come his way. It shows that everyone is different. Each writer has their own way to narrate the journey and trace up the character’s path. And more often than not it’s about the journey.

“Let me help.” He says, pausing the episode.

“No.” Jeonghan refuses, putting the bag of take out on the coffee table. “I’ll grab what’s necessary, just sit down.”

“It’s fine,” Joshua mutters but the older one shakes his head firmly, holding his hand out to stop him from moving even a finger.

“I know better where everything is,” he argues and gestures to him. “You’re cuddled up in a blanket. It’s only convenient.”

Joshua raises an eyebrow at him, unimpressed. “You don’t use the word ‘convenient’ in that way.”

“Right, since the author says so. Ok.”

Instead of scolding, Joshua finds himself smiling and shaking his head. Is this a new way of teasing without mocking or insulting a person? It does still sound sarcastic. Come to think of it, all the words come out sarcastic whenever Jeonghan uses that low tone and know-it-all expression. He has a way of making words bend down to the meaning he wants them to have.

After bringing two glasses and tissues, Jeonghan takes a seat on the couch and begins laying down their dinner. A portion of normal fried chicken and another spicy. Steam is coming off it, a sign it’s hot. Joshua hums, saliva pooling at the inside of his mouth, the scent is delicious. He really can’t wait to devour it all. The sauce is the last to be opened after the chopsticks in case they didn’t want to use their hands.

He sits down on the ground, grabbing a can of soda.

For a second, Jeonghan watches. Then, he joins in, taking a seat on the ground.

“Please have a bite,” Joshua mutters, as he grabs himself the normal piece. The spicy ones will have to be in the middle so that he can wash off the taste with the normal ones again. He takes the first bite and has to refrain himself from moaning at the taste. It’s as good as he remembered it would. “Woah.”

“Is it really that good?”

Despite the teasing tone, Joshua nods. “I love it,” he replies, having another bite. 

Jeonghan laughs, grabbing himself a piece.

They eat in silence, watching the drama play. Once again, It’s weirdly comfortable. Two people who have nothing in common sharing a meal without the friend that held them together. A month ago, the idea would’ve been a nightmare, not one he would ever entertain and yet, here he is. Life really is unpredictable.

Joshua laughs, shaking his head when the latter raises an eyebrow at him. It’s stupid to say but not really. However, it’s nothing insulting. So after he swallows, he turns to him. “It’s funny how out of everyone, we’re having dinner together, quite deliberately.”

“Did you fall on your head wherever you went?” Jeonghan remarks, tilting his head to the side with a not so nice grin.

“Yah,” Joshua fists his hand, letting it fall between them. “I’m just saying that it’s not the usual set up.”

Jeonghan shrugs, like he could care less about what the usual set up would look like. He pours the soda along with liquor in a glass and swirls it together, staring at it like it holds the answers. “You never lingered for lunch or dinner, always busy with something.”

“Exactly,” he nods, the food suddenly turning into a distant memory of the past. “You always hang around hot people, both handsome and pretty. Though, now that I think of it, you only ever had dinners with cool people. That was the type of people close to you.” He smiles, dipping his chicken in the sauce. “We’re too different, you and I.”

“You’re cool.”

Joshua freezes, surrounding becoming blurry. It’s not a compliment. Not after all those years. Not after what he said. It can’t be and he wouldn’t accept it. However, that tone and that nonchalance. It definitely doesn’t sit right because Jeonghan never complimented people. Yes. All his life, he never muttered a word of compliment. Whatever has been done would meet his approval but never a compliment. Not even their juniors had been complimented by him. They would receive a smile, a nod but not even a small compliment.

Jeonghan is the kind of person that would buy you the most expensive thing your heart desires but wouldn’t offer praise.

Sure, some would see money more valuable.

“You’re just saying that to be nice,” Joshua mutters with a laugh, clearing his throat. He mentally scolds himself for freezing over mere words. Words which everyone would’ve died to hear from Yoon Jeonghan. He shakes his head, reaching for the half empty bottle of alcohol. 

His fingers grip around the neck of the bottle. However, the bottle doesn’t move as the latter’s fingers rest above his.

“Ji—”

“I can drink if I want to,” Joshua retorts, looking up to meet his eyes. Curse him for having expected a grin. He doesn’t know how to act in front of the latter’s concerned gaze. “You said you appreciate my drunken self more, shouldn’t you be delighted.”

For a second, Jeonghan has a look of contemplation. For the first time, Jeonghan hesitates but he firmly pulls the bottle away from him. “I’ll pour you a glass if you want but we’re not getting drunk.”

“On second thoughts, I do talk too much.” He says, smiling at the older. “You hate that.”

“I don’t.” Jeonghan replies, pouring him a small amount on the empty glass. “But it’s not like you care what I say.”

“As if you do.” Joshua gathers the courage to say, drinking the entire glass right after.

He coughs. The drink burns his throat and makes him slightly dizzy. He blinks, shaking his head before the headache permanently takes place. It would be a hassle to get drunk again, especially with a heavy heart. The last thing he wants is drunkenly spilling all his thoughts and emotions. He has promised himself to never be pitied.

He doesn’t want to hurt his pride because for the first time, Seoul doesn’t seem so bad.

The bottle clicks against the table, pulling his attention to it. It’s empty. Jeonghan has drunk all of it, in one large sip. Now, he lays his head on the couch, eyes closed.

Did he drink the entire bottle so he wouldn’t get drunk? Joshua doesn’t know if he should be delighted or insulted. Is Jeonghan starting to hate even his drunken self? He swallows, feeling stupid for wanting to extend his stay for a few more days. It shouldn’t be sadness that he feels, nor hurt because he never expected the latter to treat him nicely. They’re too different…but they could be friends…or maybe not.

“A bottle won’t get me drunk.” Jeonghan says, his tone calm.

Joshua blinks. Jeonghan is looking at him, expression relaxed as though there’s no need for him to try and look his usual self. Without the pretense, Joshua can see the tiredness in his eyes. “Here I thought you were already drunk,” he muses, hoping to stir the conversation away.

“Didn’t I tell you that you’re a bad liar?”

“I could confuse you for being drunk.” He defends with a shrug.

Jeonghan shakes his head, smiling at him. “Is there truly nothing you’re curious about, when it comes to me?” He asks, eyes welcoming and ready to share.

Joshua debates if it’s bait. The only people who know about Yoon Jeonghan are his close friends. Otherwise, there’s either people who believe in rumors or people who spend most time beside him, making up things from what they’ve seen. Because the man’s close friends’ lips are sealed.

Jeonghan isn’t looking away, isn’t moving. He’s waiting. Actually waiting for him to ask. What’s worse, is that it doesn’t seem like he’ll avoid the question. Jeonghan wants to reveal something about himself, but why him. They aren’t close friends. They are barely friends.

Joshua nods, taking the bait. “You know I’m a bad liar,” he starts to which the latter nods, an amused smile forming on his lips as though he can tell the unsaid words. “I heard something I probably shouldn’t have.” He reveals and Jeonghan doesn’t seem either startled or annoyed. 

“Why is a grown up like me having a fight with his father?”

“You knew that I heard.” He accuses, adjusting in his seat so that they’re facing each other instead of sitting shoulders-to-shoulders. It’s the only reason he asked because of course that would be the first thing to pop out of his mind. It’s the most recent thing. However, the latter surprises him.

“I’m just disappointed.” Jeonghan replies with a shrug. “You could’ve asked me anything but you’re curious about that?”

“I’m curious about what I heard.”

“It’s a fact that I fight a lot with my father.”

Deflecting from the actual answer. Maybe it’s a sensitive topic. Still, he had promised him an answer and besides he won’t be the first to talk about sensitive topics. The entire trip to Seoul has been a sensitive topic for him but no one seems to care.

“Why?” Joshua asks, crossing his arms on his chest.

“Because,” Jeonghan shrugs, sitting up. “He’s interfering with things he shouldn’t.”

He shakes his head, as it’s very vague and the latter promised an answer. He also would rather have them talk about this instead of the attention shifting back to him. “Like what?” He prompts, taking his chances as long as he’s allowed.

“Really?” The latter mutters, almost uninterested but Joshua nods. He wants to know. He’s curious a little about what the infamous fights are about, but he’s most curious about how long he can push Jeonghan’s limits. “I don’t know. What I do with my money?”

“Well it’s normal seeing that he works for it. He would want to know.” Joshua states, reasonably. Besides, the latter did say he’s not working at the moment.

Jeonghan stares at him like he’s grown two heads. “My money isn’t my dad’s money.”

Joshua blinks.

Does he have a job no one is aware of? Even back in those days, Jeonghan wasn’t inclined to work. In fact, it was the last thing on his mind. When everyone would talk about part-time jobs and all that, he would shrug like the thought is absurd. Even when some students talked about grown up jobs and building their own business, he would listen the way a mother would listen to her excited toddler.

“It’s a bit complicated but each of us has a sum of money assigned to him and well, it’s a family thing.” Jeonghan sighs, ruffling his hair and reaching for the second can of soda. “Anyway, he’s pressed to know what I’ve done and what I’m planning to do and you know I don’t want to say any ill words in front of you, but he’s being noisy and petty which is annoying.”

“Maybe he’s worried.”

“Sure is about the money, whether I had used it all.”

Sometimes Joshua wonders if the drama does truly portray the reality of rich people and their kids. Little freedom but a lot of money. However, he never heard anyone setting aside money for a person or maybe he’s too poor to relate. Either way, it seems like a solid plan. One should just smartly invest his money to profit better out of it.

He wonders what kind of business Jeonghan would think of if he ever thought of starting a business. After all, no matter which angle he looks at it, it seems Jeonghan doesn’t want the responsibility of a business at all. 

“I know you said to only ask one question but,” Joshua hesitates, unsure if he’s fit to say anything. He is worried about crossing a line between them, even though by now they might have crossed them all. Still, it’s burning his tongue and well rejection no longer affects him. “Are you really wasting time? Aren’t you scared that you’re going to run out of money?”

“It’s probably what my dad wants.” Jeonghan replies with a smile like they’re not discussing a possible future.

“Why would he wish a cruel fate on you?”

“So I’d go begging at his doorstep.” He replies, taking a sip from his can.

“But why?” Joshua asks, refusing to let it be treated like a joke. Maybe it is one and he’s the one who can’t read the room but still. Now, he’s emotionally involved in some twisted way because they may not be friends but it’s cruel for him to watch a family break apart. If it happens and Jeonghan no longer has any money… Joshua doesn’t even want to think about it.

No matter how much he hated him in the past, he can’t imagine a world where Jeonghan isn’t rich and above everyone. It just doesn’t make sense. Like math equations. He can’t imagine him working shifts here and there, trying to live a small life. It doesn’t suit him.

“Cute,” Jeonghan mutters, chuckling to himself. “So that he can assert the father dominating figure he’s been dying to play.” He answers, once again, nonchalantly smiling at him. The situation amuses him.

“I don’t understand.” Joshua states, leaning back on the couch and crossing his arms on his chest.

Instead of brushing it away, Jeonghan clicks his tongue, tilting his head to the side. He’s thinking. He’s searching for words he’ll actually understand. He’s making efforts to feed in his curiosity even when it’s none of his business. Now Joshua is even more confused, because when he said it’s impossible to understand Yoon Jeonghan, that’s not what he meant.

“As you know everyone in my family owns a business, dad, uncle and aunt, it’s like a competition about how well you can go on and on about it.” He explains, a smirk adorning his lips. “Everyone is making children and displaying how good they are at handling many businesses. But no matter what, there’s only one dominating business.”

“Your grandfather’s.”

Jeonghan hums and there’s no telling whether he’s delighted, pleased or thrilled.

“He’s going to die—”

“I’m sorry.” Joshua interrupts, holding his hands at his mouth level. It never was his intention to pry further.

“Not now.” Jeonghan reassures him, though it can hardly be called reassurance with the smirk that never leaves his face. “But you know he’s old.”

“You can’t just say that!” He scolds, tossing a pillow at him. Luckily it doesn’t hit anything on the table as the older catches it effortlessly as though he has known it would happen. It confuses Joshua even more.

“They believe that the one who works well will get to be his heir. Since father is old and greedy he probably won’t be chosen.”

It feels like he’s reading a book about power and the length people would cross to get it. Is it bad that he’s mesmerized about a real human’s life? After being an author, instead of developing more empathy, he’s only seeing ideas and opportunities to twist anything into a plot. This one, he can guess the next words that would come.

“He wants to do so through you.” Joshua catches himself saying. “Only if you actually work under him.”

Jeonghan nods, his smile growing. He’s not mad but that’s not the worst thing. Joshua feels his cheeks heating up and heart beating fast. He knows for a fact that it can’t be the way Jeonghan is continuously smiling at him. If that was the case, he would’ve turned into a tomato already.

“Blackmailing me kinda thing and father’s good at that.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?” Joshua asks, reaching for his own can of soda. It does the work. Jeonghan is no longer intensely looking at him, he turned his attention to his own can. Joshua feels like he can breathe anew.

“Not really.” He says, tapping the can on the table. “I have to go through my father’s company first. Be his heir.”

After being involved in so many fights, it sure would sound like a nightmare. However, it can also be the time the father and son team up. They can finally work together instead of being rivals.

“You don’t want to help him.”

“Nope.” Jeonghan says, grinning as he faces him. “Because he’s going bankrupt.”

That’s a twist.

“What?”

Jeonghan hums, content.

His father’s business is going bankrupt and his reaction is to smile. The only way for him to reach the dominating business is going down in flames and he’s grinning. The entire world would remember his name, he would be invited everywhere, he would be sickeningly rich and yet, he doesn’t care. 

Is that what if feel like to be born rich?

‿︵‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿︵‿

When he first moved to the States, there was a class unlike the others, taught occasionally by the director of the major. It had nothing to do with lessons or exams. It was a space to learn how the world worked, stripped of theory and certainty. Two hours that managed to teach what years never could. One day, an opportunity surfaced and yet no one reached for it. Hesitation filled the room.

That day, the man spoke in scattered sentences, each one edging closer to the same truth until it took hold. Sometimes opportunity arrives before a person is ready and the moment dissolves under the weight of doubt. Other times, people spend years preparing, shaping themselves into what they think is required, only for no door to open when they finally are. The effort feels wasted, the timing cruel. It is rare, he said, for readiness and opportunity to arrive together. Waiting was a passive faith. A person should live in a state of readiness and learn to create the moment when it refuses to appear.

He’s not ready, probably never would be ready to showcase his work to the entire world. However, today isn’t about him. Despite not climbing higher, he’s satisfied. He found his passion and he’s happy to be an author who aspires his fellow writers to be big. It might not be enough in the future but for now he’s content with what he has.

The only reason he became an author is because there was that one person who believed in him and his potential. His mother.

Today Joshua wants to be that person to someone.

He gets up, dressing up warmly for the cold weather. He wore a white long-sleeved henley, the fabric soft and close to the body, layered under a simple, unstructured beige jacket. Nothing about it stood out, yet nothing felt careless. Matched with simple cotton trousers, neither tight nor loose. He checked the weather and it wasn’t raining, only slightly chillier than usual. Therefore, he pulls up his scarf and places it around his neck, in order to avoid catching a cold.

A movie in Korea doesn’t sound horrible. 

It’s only the fact that his name would be plastered everywhere, now that is horrible.

Joshua sighs, stepping away from the mirror and into the living room. He carries a small bag which has essentially his wallet and phone along with the usual things he would need during the day. Jeonghan must be still sleeping, seeing as the apartment is calm.

It’s not even early, it’s almost ten.

Luckily he doesn’t get to debate knocking on his bedroom door as he hears it open.

Jeonghan wears a black cotton sweater, the sharp line of a white collar visible at the neckline. His trousers sit comfortably—neither tight nor loose—falling straight and unforced, shaped by posture rather than tailoring. There is nothing loud about what he wore, nothing that asked to be noticed, yet it worked. The simplicity seemed to bend around him, as if the clothes took their cue from the man rather than the other way around.

“You’re leaving?” The question leaves him before the man looks up from his phone.

Jeonghan pauses, eyes trailing up and down his outfit before settling at his eyes. “I was just gonna buy coffee. Should I drop you anywhere?” He asks back, raising an eyebrow at him. “Looks like you’re the one leaving. Got bored of Seoul real quick?”

Joshua sighs, shaking his head. He didn’t expect to be bombarded with questions, especially from him. “I just thought, it's nice weather and it would be cool to check the scenery that Seoul offers.”

“You want to take grandpa’s offer? Did he email you?”

“I’m considering it. Why?” He shakes his head at the second question. “Are you too lazy to do some work?” he asks, regretting it right away. Maybe he said too much.

Jeonghan frowns, moving to the fridge to grab bottles of water. He’s not reading much into it.

“Anyway,” Joshua mutters, placing his hands on the kitchen’s counter and leaning forward. “You must have some places in mind. You did read my book.”

“I didn’t expect you to jump at the offer.”

“Why?”

Jeonghan shrugs, passing him a bottle of water. “Are you sure you’re not going to regret it?” His eyes narrow at him and there’s no longer that smile or grin adorning his face. In fact, he looks rather disappointed.

“I’m not saying yes.” Joshua says, frowning back at him. He doesn’t want to make a movie out of his book but even if he had wanted, he thought that the latter would be supportive. He should’ve been especially after last night. That should’ve brought them closer, not saying that he wants to be closer to him. “I just want to check first.”

“Ok.”

Joshua stares. That’s not how he imagined his morning to go. He thought that the latter would be thrilled and they could get started right away. Then, once they’ve started, Jeonghan would notice that having a job is sometimes fun and that would motivate him to start working. He didn’t expect him to nod as though it’s the worst idea ever.

“Drive me around.” Joshua blurts, holding his gaze. “I don’t know Seoul—”

“You lived here.”

“Not the point. You’ve spent your entire life here, so you know more places than I do. Besides, even when I lived here, I didn’t go out much.” He says, voice raising despite his best efforts to stay calm. “I didn’t imagine you’d be stubborn. I thought we’d laugh it off and get going.”

Not also his point to lash out but it had to be done. He turns around, walking away but as he reaches the small hall leading to the door, the latter still doesn’t follow. He turns around, narrowing his eyes at him, wishing he could hit him. But he wouldn’t, because Jeonghan isn’t someone who would let it happen. It’s so infuriating.

“That’s the part where I follow you,” Jeonghan prompts, a smile escaping him for the first time this morning.

“Yes.” Joshua replies, defeated.

Jeonghan chuckles, grabbing both bottles and walking up to him.

It feels weird. Jeonghan is indulging him, willingly because he for sure didn’t seem compliant to follow through his grandfather’s plan. His chest burns with an unfamiliar feeling, he only ever described it. Is this truly the right emotion the main character feels whenever their interest gives in to them. The feeling is the same, but the situation is completely different.

Jeonghan is sure everyone’s interest but not his. 

In the car, Joshua puts on his seatbelt and surely the proximity is starting to be more and more noticeable. They’ve gone from never standing next to each other, never walking in the same line to sitting in the same car beside each other.

“Where to?” Jeonghan asks, playing with the half full bottle of water, turning it around and around.

“Coffee.” Joshua says, looking straight forward.

Jeonghan drops the bottle and it falls to his feet. Instead of fishing for it, he’s leaning on the seat and looking at him. He’s not even starting the engine. He’s just shamelessly staring at him. Without a word.

Joshua blinks and turns his head to the side, facing him. “What?”

“Did I upset you?”

He’s in another timeline. Why is Jeonghan caring about whether he’s been upset or not by his words? He never used to care back then. Why change? It makes things confusing. It makes him unable to get mad at him. It makes his heart beat in a weird motion that his mind can’t follow.

“I did.”

“No.” Joshua denies, shaking his head.

“You’re a bad liar.”

“And you never care.” He retorts, because the latter isn’t the only one to know something about him. He also knows a lot of things about the untouchable Yoon Jeonghan.

“You’re making a fuss because now I care?” Jeonghan asks, scoffing at him.

Joshua knows it’s absurd but everyone would be surprised when a person randomly becomes nice to them. “I’m not making a fuss. I’m just surprised.” He replies, but it seems like the latter doesn’t believe him. While he normally wouldn’t care if he’s been believed or not, Joshua doesn’t know why it hurts. “I don’t expect you to be nice to me or notice me at all. I know we’re too different.”

“I thought we were friends.” Jeonghan says, shocking him once again.

“You—”

“I made efforts to be your friend but you either didn’t notice or didn’t care.” He says in a small voice but no less firm, leaning back and pointing a finger at him. “Then, you were uncomfortable around me and that’s when I stopped. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

It’s when Seungcheol didn’t come to class since he was sick. It was the first time they talked to each other but it didn’t feel right. He thought the latter was being nice to him because Seungcheol might have asked him to. Besides, a lot of people back then used to gather around Jeonghan at the break and he refused them all. They started talking and Joshua remembers hating the attention he was receiving from what was supposed to be a conversation between friends. Who wouldn’t be uncomfortable.

“I was upset by your words.” Joshua confesses, because somehow he has enjoyed talking with the latter. It’s fun. Arguing with him isn’t fun. “I don’t want my book to turn into a movie. I’m fine having a niche of readers. I don’t want the spotlight.”

“You could’ve said that, you know.” Jeonghan says, offering a small smile.

“But if I have a chance to pretend for one day to be someone else, to allow myself to reach for something higher, I wouldn’t pass it out.”

“Now, I’m confused.”

“Can’t we just drive?” Joshua sighs, leaning back on the seat, staring at the other cars. “Why do you care so much?”

Jeonghan nods, pulling away which prompts him to let out a small sigh out of relief. He turns, staring out of his side of the window grateful for a break as much as he wanted an answer. Part of him wouldn’t have believed him but it wouldn’t be bad to hear the answer. Then again, Jeonghan only answers the questions that are convenient to him. Real life is complicated. It doesn’t have one script, just one small word could lead up to a completely different scenario. They weren’t supposed to have a small argument. They were supposed to just enjoy the day, separately.

Unless, Jeonghan caught on. At the end of the day, he is naturally witty and smart. He might have noticed how fast he switched. Is he mad? He didn’t sound like it. Annoyed?

Joshua wouldn’t know unless he asks. It just seems to be exactly what he’s avoiding. They’ll eventually have to talk. Wah.. he really doesn’t know why, out of everything he could’ve chosen to do, he decides to spend the day with Yoon Jeonghan. He must have fallen on his hand at night. He can’t even blame it on his drunken self.

After their first stop, which consisted of buying coffee, Jeonghan stops at the station to fill up his car. While waiting in the car, a lot of scenarios played in his head. Should he just cancel out everything, which seems the reasonable thing to do. Should he just act like their little arguments didn’t happen and spend the day with the awkward tension, not his favorite option. Should he come clean? Also not his favorite but they would at least part on good notes. Should he apologize? Ask him to drop him at the airport?

The car opens and he startles, turning around. He bites on the inside of his lower lip, hating how indecisive he is. If only Jeonghan wasn’t so nice, the answer would’ve been clear. However, so many things changed and if he unfairly crashes out, Joshua would regret it for the rest of his life.

“Do you want a drink?” Jeonghan asks, raising an eyebrow at him.

“I can’t drink in the morning,” Joshua mutters, hating himself for even considering it. Sure, he used to run away from his problems, which weren’t really problems. Confrontation. He never liked those.

“You can drink at any time of the day,” Jeonghan says, shrugging to himself. “I’m the one driving.”

Joshua leans back on the small space between the passenger door and the seat, hiding behind the seatbelt. “Why is it so complicated between us?” He asks, no one in particular. “We used to ignore each other and that was that. Why are you changing your attitude toward me?”

“Does it make you uncomfortable that I’m nice to you?”

He shakes his head, pouting his lips because the answer is so complicated. “No,” he confesses, biting the inside of his lower lip. It makes him warm inside. It makes his heart flutter in ways that shouldn’t happen. It makes him feel like he could belong somewhere.

“Do you hate it?”

“No.”

“Do you want to hate it?” Jeonghan asks.

A smile breaks out of his lips and Joshua is too weak to stop it. He gives up on pretense, lifting his hand to hide his face. When even that doesn’t work, he lets it happen, hiding under the scarf he brought. Yoon Jeonghan is good with words, he knows exactly what to say in all types of situations. Joshua hates that it works also for him, wishes it only works for him… but no.

That wishful thinking should stop.

And it stopped. Until Jeonghan chuckles.

That lone chuckle makes an even worse smile follow.

“Do you want to go to the beach?”

Joshua takes the scarf off his face, giving him his entire attention. “It’s cold,” he remarks, looking out to the sky. It’s not raining so it wouldn’t be terrible. “I’ve only been to the beach in this weather once or twice and mostly at night.”

“You go out at night?” Jeonghan asks, driving away, probably to the beach.

“I love walking out at night but sometimes I have to sit the night out,” he huffs, smiling. “It gets lonely and it’s scary to be out alone.”

Jeonghan hums, one hand on the wheel while he takes out his phone. He unlocks it and hands it to him. “Put on what you like.”

He takes it, searching for the music app. For a second, he hesitates before shrugging it off. There’s no longer anything to be ashamed of in front of him. “It’s a little bit cheesy.”

“I know.”

“How do you know?” Joshua asks, putting the song on. This time, he doesn’t shy out from asking. This time, he doesn’t shy out from looking at him. This time, he doesn’t try hiding his smile.

“You’ve had the same playlist with only a few songs different ever since you’ve got a phone.” Jeonghan answers, nonchalantly.

Joshua swallows, his smile dropping because it’s anything but. Even he didn’t know the kind of music his crush used to listen to, nor is he able to name one song the man had in his playlist. It’s no longer about how he does know, but why. Why does he know? Why does he notice things about him no one does? Is there more things he knows about him?

There’s an answer to it or maybe more.

Jeonghan has a good memory.

Ok, he doesn’t.

He has a selective memory. He remembers the things he wants to remember and ignores the rest.

So what? Everyone does that.

They enjoy the silent ride, music playing softly in the background, some of them in Korean and others in English. It’s comfortable and not the strange-weird comfort. It’s like the kind of reserved silence friends share when there’s nothing more to say and no need to fill it up. A quiet comfort. One he never imagined would be possible between them but life keeps on surprising him.

Then, Jeonghan starts humming to the song he knows, posture relaxed, checking casually the mirrors of the car. A hand on the steering wheel and the other, holding the drink. He’s cool, even while driving. He’s cool when he sips on the straw and then clicks his tongue. His voice is cool whenever he sings along with a verse or two and Joshua probably should get his mind checked.

He doesn’t know why he’s acting like a teenager that realized their friend is actually attractive. He won’t deny that Jeonghan is attractive, it’s a fact. The problem is why he’s being affected by it. He’s seen him for over more than a decade, what makes him so different now?

𝄞

Stopping at the parking lot, Joshua is the first to get out.

The desperation to breathe in the new air as well as escape the unbearable hot tension between them was starting to suffocate him. He didn’t hate the comfortable silence between them but it was starting to get way too comfortable and that’s not how the dynamic between them should be. He shouldn’t like having the latter around, he shouldn’t like his presence.

Stepping away from the vehicle, he approaches the new environment in front of him. There’s a beach but barely any sand, only rocks. The strong waves are hitting the chores, staining the entire air around with its unique scent. He wishes summer was around the corners. The thought of touching the water with his feet and letting it rise little by little as he accommodates its cold temperature.

This year, he should make a trip to the beach even if it's just for one day.

“Let’s go.” Jeonghan says, taking out a white coat from the back of the car. He dabs it over his shoulder instead of wearing it, gesturing to the small dock.

“You wanna get inside the beach,” Joshua questions, pointing with both his pointer fingers toward the middle of the beach. He thought they were just going to walk around, the idea of renting a yacht to get inside never crossed his mind. It never would’ve.

Jeonghan nods, walking ahead of him toward the security who’s standing by the gate. Joshua follows, sticking close to him because it’s a whole new world he’s about to be introduced to. It’s his first time, getting in a yacht and there’s a charm to it that he’s doing it with Yoon Jeonghan. The latter would take care of everything. Though it must be expensive.

They get in and it rocks a little.

Joshua stops, looking down at his steps and the water at the side. It’s a deep blue. He continues, walking into the closet cabinet where a captain is already seated. It’s warm inside and there’s snacks around along with drinks. He takes a seat by the table after greeting the captain and apologizing for the sudden ride. The man only smiles, insisting it’s no bother.

He doesn’t look old, maybe in the middle of his thirties. He’s buff, looking strong as it must take strength to direct a yacht inside the beach where the waves are strong. Is it his job? There’s no one around beside him but he knows there must be more people working with him. Outside, Jeonghan was talking to two more men.

“Is it your first time?” The captain asks, turning around, offering him a polite smile.

Joshua returns the smile with a nod. “It’s also sudden,” he adds, looking back from where he came. “I just wanted to see the beach, I didn’t know he’d rent a yacht for it.”

“I was surprised too.” The man nods, laughing. “He rarely called me those years, only once to celebrate his friend’s wedding. It was in the summer.”

“Figured people would only use yachts in the summer.”

“No. When he was a teenager, he would use it even in the winter.” The man shares, nodding with a longing smile. “It would be just me and him. We’d go far in the ocean and just use some quiet time. He used to say the sea help calm his mind and thoughts.”

Joshua nods, looking out the window at the beach. Rich people have their own ways to unwind and have quality time. Surprisingly, he can imagine Jeonghan using the most expensive methods to isolate himself from the rest of the world whenever it’s convenient. He was so unpredictable and still is living to his name.

“Are you together?”

“No.” Joshua shakes his head, holding both his palms up. “What makes you think so?” he asks, laughing like he’s been told the joke of the year. Like he heard the most hilarious thing ever.

The captain shrugs, looking at the entry. “He only brought his friends so far and it’s always the same group but you never were there. I would remember.”

“No, I wasn’t.” He says, reassuring that the man’s memory didn’t fail him. However his answer doesn’t help. It does raise suspicion to bring someone out of nowhere to a place he never shared with anyone unless it’s to party. The two seem close and Joshua doesn’t want to say anything weird because the man would surely relay the words back to Jeonghan.

“Hy captain,” Jeonghan greets, walking inside and taking a seat beside him. “You’re riding alone?”

“It’s too cold for them,” the captain says, laughing. Before the echo dies, another man joins him, dropping into the seat beside the captain with an ease that suggests routine. Their heads tilt toward each other, voices lower. Then, the captain looks back. “Shall we go?”

The engine answers before anyone else can. It roars to life, metal shuddering, the boat rattling hard enough to jar his teeth. Joshua’s hand shoots out for the table, fingers curling around the edge, but it’s already too late. The jolt throws him sideways. Shoulders collide. Heat bleeds through layers of fabric, immediate and unwelcome, and the careful distance he measured in his head vanishes in an instant.

He blinks, fixes his gaze on the beach as if the shoreline could absorb the fault, could pretend he didn’t miscalculate. Then he turns, facing the owner of the body he fell into.

“Just at the start,” Jeonghan murmurs. His arm slides behind him, resting along the seat, a barrier and a brace all at once. “It’ll get steadier once we’re inside.”

Joshua nods. He tells himself it’s the engine, the cold, the motion. He lets the words stand in for certainty and holds on. It’s safer that way.

True to his words, it’s calmer once inside. The waves are no longer scary and he’s no longer fighting against current to not move out of his seat. The dizziness stops and he can finally enjoy the sea out of the window. Until Jeonghan taps his shoulder and pulls at his wrist. There’s no questions out of Joshua’s lips either, he let it happen.

They step out of the cabin.

Despite announcing gloomy weather for the day, the sun peeks from beneath the clouds, as if it has been summoned. An astonished sigh escapes him as he moves forward, the latter finally letting go of his wrist. Joshua stops at the bow, gripping the railing with both hands. It’s genuinely beautiful, nothing like staring at the beach from the shore.

“Rich people really have it different,” he comments, lifting his face toward the sun and basking in its periodical warmth.

“Whenever they can make time for it,” Jeonghan replies, leaning against the railing beside him. He looks out at the sea with a mock sense of peace, as though even this magnificent view fails to meet his standards. 

Joshua wonders how often he must have come out here for the ocean to no longer make a difference. He shrugs, looking out at the sea. If possible, he would try to rent a yacht ride in the summer, try jumping in when the sun’s hot and the weather is perfect for a swim. It would be different to try tanning on board a yacht. Surreal, a life he never thought to imagine. Maybe he’s getting way too influenced.

“You don’t have back hugs in your books.” Jeonghan remarks out of nowhere and clicks his tongue, staring at him with a smile.

“Why are you reading my books?” He asks, sensing suspicion behind that devilish smile. It either gets him the thing he wants or makes the person he’s talking to miserable. Joshua isn’t looking forward to having this beautiful day crashed.

“Is it because even though they’re in love they can’t fully trust each other?” Jeonghan asks, tilting his head to the side, the way he would in class whenever he’s solving a hard question.

Neither of the options.

Joshua smiles, that’s one interpretation to it. “No. It’s just they’re always looking out for each other, always having each other’s back.” He explains, knowing the characters in his books don’t come from a clean background. They have a tainted past and therefore it’s a symbol of trust. A gesture to mean that no matter where they are, they don’t have to worry about someone stabbing them from the back.

“That’s sad.”

“But it makes it real, there’s danger everywhere.” He argues with a shrug, turning his attention to the sea and the sun. Unlike them, he can see Jeonghan everywhere. Maybe not. He’ll go back soon and they won’t cross paths ever again.

It’s life.

He has nothing left in Seoul and no reason to come back, everyone is busy with their own lives. He’ll be busy too but it’s not the kind of busy that takes most of his time. For him, he’s the one making his own schedule and it follows the progress he’s making. He isn’t necessarily tied to work from his home, he can travel, it would probably help his inspiration.

But Jeonghan isn’t doing anything when he should be. 

The whole purpose of today is to inspire him to find something fulfilling about having a job. Yet, he got lost staring at the sea. His lips form a pout, debating his next actions. He could ask him about business related things, make him cherish being a rich person. There must be something that should motivate him, but he doesn’t know him. He can’t know what would motivate him, though the typicals would be money and love. Anything to do with self-satisfaction, Jeonghan has already mastered.

A wave of coldness washes over him, settling at his chest even as the yacht rocks slowly. It doesn’t leave. It stays there, because Jeonghan isn’t moving. His hands rest on his waist. His chin settles quietly on his shoulders. Their breath mixes, the distance is no longer.

Jeonghan is backhugging him.

Joshua freezes and it has nothing to do with the cold temperature but the weight on his back. It’s still there even as he blinks. His heart is hammering against his chest, as though it could create an escape. He grips the railing tightly as though it could ensure him that he’s not dreaming.

“Do you think you can describe backhugs now?”

Mutual help can also be a motivation.

“What are you talking about?” He asks, trying to turn around but the latter’s grip is surprisingly strong. It anchors him in place, offering nowhere to move. It is sending wrong signals to his body, getting used to warmth when his jacket should’ve been enough.

Jeonghan shrugs, leaning on his shoulder and loosening his hold just enough for their eyes to meet. He smiles, because absurdly enough it all goes to plan. Joshua is holding his gaze and he doesn’t find it in him to look away. He doesn’t want to. What is proximity? Only people who are obviously in love with each other would freak out. There’s no such thing between them.

“Don’t you think backhugs are more symbolic?” Jeonghan asks, raising both his eyebrows at him for a second before offering him the answer. “You hug everyone the same but backhugs are reserved for usually one person.”

Joshua blinks, biting the inside of his lower lip. He’s got a point, which he could’ve voiced without clinging to his back. “Do you prefer normal hugs or backhugs?”

Jeonghan chuckles, shaking his head. “I prefer kissing.”

Wrong answer. Joshua pushes him and this time Jeonghan lets it happen. He takes a step back, turning around completely. It’s a bit too soon but they might have to go back, therefore he doesn’t think much of it. Joshua glances one last time at the clear view he has of the sea before he turns to follow him inside.

“Lay down.” Jeonghan says, gesturing for the built-in mattress that is by the bow. A cozy cover is already on top along with pillows, which Joshua is sure weren’t there when they stepped up. “Isn’t it better?”

“What if it rains?” He asks, taking a seat, testing the comfort.

“Even better.”

Joshua rolls his eyes, smiling anyway. He lays down, looking up at the sky as the yacht starts moving. They must be going back as lunch time is nearing. They could visit the local restaurants, he’s been wanting to try street food the moment he stepped foot in Seoul. It would be fun and not pricey. Jeonghan surely wouldn’t mind.

Where’s the devil when you speak of it?

Suggesting the mattress outside, he thought, just like anyone would, that they’d both share it. That’s normal, but he probably went back inside since he gets dizzy easily. It shouldn’t bother him. It should be fun that he gets to enjoy time by himself, but it isn’t fun. He should book that flight. He’s getting way too used to having Jeonghan around when that reality is far from being real.

He closes his eyes, listening to the sea. In the calm, footsteps echo. It must be him. He should pretend he wasn’t expecting him but that isn’t true. It sounds stupid anyway and rehearsed. He doesn’t want anything like that between them.

“Is it ok? Are you cold?” Jeonghan asks, laying down beside him.

“It’s perfect,” Joshua reveals, opening his eyes. He lays down on his side, admiring the older’s side profile. His soft features still manage to make him look insanely manly. Some people are truly blessed with good looks. “Where should we go for lunch?”

“I don’t know,” Jeonghan shrugs, tossing a blanket over him. “Wherever you want?”

Joshua grips the blanket, cuddling with it. “Should we try street food?”

“Why?”

“I miss it,” he says, tugging the blanket under his chin. “I want to eat it before I go.”

It’s silent. Jeonghan doesn’t reply right away, he’s looking up at the sky, hand behind his head. His eyebrows frown in deep thought, posture tense before breaking off. His own blanket stops at his chest, messily arranged.

“Ji, do you ever think about staying in Seoul?”

Joshua swallows, sighing softly. He can’t say he never thought about it but that was before the opportunity opened its doors to him. There were nights where he imagined what his life would’ve been had he stayed. There were nights where he imagined coming back to Seoul and meeting them all after his author career grew strong. 

“There’s nothing for me here.” He replies, the closer truth he can allow himself to reveal.

“There could be.” Jeonghan simply says.

Joshua shakes his head, putting on a smile. “It’s ok. It doesn’t matter. Seoul is still beautiful and as long as I have money, I can still travel. It’s not like it’s going to change or disappear.”

“No.”

“Do you ever think about moving away?” He asks, hoping to make the weird tension dissolve in the air. Today isn’t about being sad, it’s about creating motivation and opportunity. Today isn’t about him. He’s gotten over the fact that there’s no one left for him to come back to in Seoul, probably not even his own home.

It’s not the end of the world.

“Where to?” Jeonghan mumbles, shaking his head.

“Anywhere,” he replies, poking the latter’s cheek. The sun is gone but he can still see the frown in his face which isn’t a good sign. It’s not a good frown, it’s a sad one. Somehow, Joshua can’t imagine a world where Jeonghan is sad instead of grinning at him. It has nothing to do with the way his heart aches over it. It has nothing to do with his emotions. It just doesn’t make sense.

“I like Korean food, so probably, no.” Jeonghan replies, turning to grin at him.

He’s grinning but it’s like he’s read his mind. At least he is, right.

Joshua smiles, nodding. “Korean food is the best. There’s barely any where I moved, unless I cook it.”

“You cook?”

“You don’t?”

“It’s too much work,” Jeonghan replies, looking back at the sea.

He’s smiling and therefore Joshua lets him off the hook. He doesn’t poke his cheek but he has a strange urge to do it anyway. This isn’t how he imagined being with Yoon Jeonghan would be like, at least not for him. Is this how it feels like to have a friend? But friends don’t backhug each other, friends don’t spend a lot on each other.

“Is there something you’re curious about me?”

Jeonghan faces him, raising a single eyebrow at him.

It should be studied how one single action makes his cheeks heat. Joshua clears his throat, trying to look anywhere but him without making it so noticeable. He miserably fails but it’s better than feeling stripped at one glance.

“You asked the same thing yesterday,” he defends, hesitantly bringing his gaze back on him. “I also want to share with you.”

Jeonghan smiles but his eyes hold a mischievous story Joshua doesn’t even want to consider. He clicks his tongue, holding his gaze. “Are you taken?”

“That’s your question.”

Jeonghan hums, eager to know.

“No.” Joshua answers, feeling oddly small despite it being normal.

“Like ever?”

“Yes.” He replies, shrugging. “You probably can’t relate.”

Jeonghan clicks his tongue, the sound sharp and playful, and his grin stretches wide. It sits easy on his face, effortless, like everything else about him. “I’ve never been in a relationship,” he says, not with mockery or the teasing edge Joshua expects, but with a lightness that turns the confession into something shared rather than exposed. He laughs as he says it, bright and unguarded, as if they’re in on a secret together. And maybe they are.

Joshua scoffs, pointing at him without thinking. “You’re lying.” The words come out too fast, half reflex, half disbelief. Someone awkward like him never dating makes sense. It fits neatly into the way the world tends to arrange itself. But Jeonghan with his easy charm, his way of filling a room without trying, never being in a relationship feels like a badly told joke.

“Why would I?” Jeonghan asks, smiling still, head tilting as he shakes it slowly. His eyes don’t dodge the question.

“You’ve probably never even been rejected, right?” he presses on, gesturing at him. “No one would be insane enough to reject you.”

Jeonghan’s laughter spills out again, ringing through the air, warm and melodic. It lingers, wrapping around his thoughts before he can push it away. Jeonghan has always had a beautiful laugh, the kind that feels like a blessing to everyone lucky enough to hear it. “You’re giving me way too much credit for someone who used to hate me,” he says lightly. “I like that.”

“I didn’t hate you,” Joshua replies, quieter now.

“It’s fine,” Jeonghan murmurs, shrugging, like the past is something he’s already folded away. His smile softens, just a little. “As long as you don’t hate me now.”

𝄞

In the afternoon, it was a trip to the past.

The goal was to find a good place to enjoy home cooked meals from the elderly, however, they ended up eating everything they came across. There were a lot of good snacks, each linked to a memory from the past. It’s fair to say they spent more than they might have planned to. Still, it was done with no regret, filling up their bellies with good things.

It was enjoyable hours as they walked around the place, eyeshopping and debating the prices of the items that stood out. When he proposed the game, Jeonghan didn’t find it ridiculous, betting that he could win. Naturally, Joshua couldn’t just play for fun anymore. He wanted to win but he ended up losing which isn’t fair. The latter knows the prices because he’s lived in Korea and has an idea over what’s pricey and what’s not.

Time went by in a rush as they walked around, talking about everything and nothing. Who would’ve known that Jeonghan is a light sleeper and gets car sick if he isn’t driving. Only his friends would and Joshua wasn’t part of that category, until now. They’re friends. He really can’t believe that. His younger self would’ve been jealous.

Back when he couldn’t even dream of it, because Jeonghan was a popular kid even though he was an introvert. His light are not meant to be dimmed or set aside. He deserved to shine and have the spotlight while Joshua only dreamed of passing his classes without being noticed. Students back then used to bully a lot and he had neither the money nor the words to stand for himself.

Now, he’s walking beside Yoon Jeonghan, arguing about the prices of the most random items.

“Should we go back?” Jeonghan asks, as the shop stops and they’re facing blocks of houses. If they continue down the road, it would soon be deserted with creepy old villas where they usually shoot horror movies.

Joshua nods, turning back on their trails. “It’s getting slightly dark.”

“Because it’s winter.”

Then, they should hurry. It would be difficult to drive at night especially if it starts raining. Although he doesn’t doubt the latter’s driving skills, the rain and the night are enough to scare even the bravest drivers. After all, human can’t win against nature.

“Have you ever driven at night?” He asks, tightening the scarf around him. It’s cold and if he’s freezing it would be worse for Jeonghan whose body reacts badly to cold weather.

“Of course. Are you scared?” Jeonghan asks, grinning at him.

Joshua shakes his head, because he’s only scared when he’s driving alone. A person can never know what’s waiting out there in the dark. He takes off his scarf and hands part of it to the latter. The scarf is big, it can cover both of them. The distance might be short between them but friends can stand close to each other. It doesn’t look weird. 

“Here, we can both be covered.” He says, making sure both their necks are hidden considering they have more or less the same height.

Jeonghan doesn’t refuse it, stepping even closer to him. He’s nonchalant about it that it makes him blush, never used to share anything with others. Besides, it’s not like he had anyone to share it with. Jeonghan isn’t like him, actions like those do not affect him. It’s unfair.

“I’m only scared when I drive by myself.” Joshua shares, so that his heart and head can focus on everything but the fact that despite never being in a relationship, Jeonghan isn’t new to romance and other things. Now he’s making himself blush inappropriately. 

“I guess it could get scary, I mostly get bored.” Jeonghan replies with a shrug.

They walk further, nearing the crowded areas. There’s people walking around, purchasing things, eating and hanging out with their friends. All types of people exist, some laughing loudly and yet Joshua feels some staring at them. Unlike the famous saying, Joshua does believe that unwanted attention is bad. He hates how their stares linger on them, making him self-conscious.

As he goes to hide more behind his scarf, his hands freezes. The attention is toward the scarf and the way they’re closely standing beside each other. Does it really look weird? Can everyone see that they don’t match at all?

“Leave it be.” Jeonghan says, intertwining their fingers.

His hands are cold.

“Everyone is staring,” Joshua mumbles, looking down. “I’m sorry.”

“Let’s run,” Jeonghan says and tugs at his hand. He breaks into a sprint, tightening his grip and refusing to let go even as heads turn and curious eyes follow them. The crowd blurs around them, a wash of movement and noise that barely registers as he pulls him forward. 

It feels unreal, like a scene carefully choreographed for the screen rather than something unfolding in real time. The scarf trails behind them, caught by the wind, fluttering wildly through the air. It is held only by their free hand, a vivid streak of fabric that makes them impossible not to notice, as if the world itself has paused just long enough to watch them run.

If the attention hasn’t been on them, now they surely must’ve gathered everyone’s.

Joshua pulls at his hand, stopping by the convenience store. They catch their breath, a long silence stretching between them before it’s broken by laughter—their laughter mingling in the air. Joshua laughs like never before. This is the most fun he’s had in years, embarrassing for a tale yet oddly endearing. Still smiling, they walk inside.

He stops by the small fridge, grabbing a plastic cup filled with ice. “I’ve always wanted to try these,” he says, picking a coffee flavor to go with it. He’ll mix them later. Moving on, they stop by the snack aisle.

Jeonghan grabs two bags of chips and a pack of ramen. “I like the way you cooked it last time.”

“I should teach you,” Joshua replies, a little proud. It took him days to master making a decent pot. They also grab banana milk, strawberry-flavored milk, and chocolate. You can never have enough, and he’ll need something to snack on at the airport.

The thought of leaving saddens him. It’s weird.

Jeonghan nudges his shoulder, pointing at a bag of candy and another pack of chips. “Last item?”

He’ll go back to the States, to his four-wall room with no one to talk to but his papers and editors. His mother will be there too, busy working and pressuring him to find someone. It’s his home, but it feels empty, and he knows that when he boards the plane this time, he’ll miss Seoul.

“No?”

“Yes,” Joshua says, grabbing the two before Jeonghan can put them back. “I was just thinking.”

“Oh, so now you’re thinking,” Jeonghan teases, walking toward the cashier.

Joshua nudges their shoulders together, emptying the basket. “I’ll miss Seoul,” he says, handing him the bag so he can put the items inside. It’s the truth and there’s a reason for it. Somehow, the person who once made him want to leave Seoul is now the same person who makes him want to stay. When Jeonghan tries to pay, Joshua uses his phone first, smiling like he’s won. In a way, he has.

“My treat.”

“I’m the one dragging you from place to place,” Jeonghan retorts, clearly betrayed that he wasn’t fast enough.

“I agreed. Besides, you shouldn’t pay for my food. Are you saying I’m poor?” Joshua argues, walking out of the store and holding the door open.

“I’m saying you should just take it when I offer.”

“I want to offer too. I have a job.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you,” Joshua says, bumping their shoulders together. Even if it’s just a little, he’s glad to return the favor. Even if Jeonghan is older by a few months, they’re friends now. He can pay for him too. He wants to do it and the latter should be flattered, he’s the first to get that treatment beside his mother.

Arriving at the car, it’s already dark. They place the bag on the backseat and climb in their respective places. He keeps the drink with him, mixing it together and takes the first sip. Perfect.

“Have a sip.” He says, offering the drink to the latter. “You’ll need coffee to catch the road.”

“I’m good,” Jeonghan says, checking his phone and turning to him. “Should we eat before going? Are you hungry?”

“Have a sip, first.” Joshua insists, handing him the drink. He should try it, the taste is incredible. As he expected, Jeonghan rolls his eyes at him before taking a sip from the straw. He hums and Joshua nods, content. “Told you it’s good.”

When Jeonghan looks back at him, he has that expression that would sincerely make everyone fold if they were standing. It’s the easy stare of someone who somehow got what he wanted even when they barely debated anything, when he’s the one who gave in and took a sip.

“I’m a bit hungry.” He says, seeing that they walked a lot, not trusting himself to be sane after hearing the older’s voice. His heart can no longer handle him.

“Let’s have dinner and then go back.”

“Wouldn’t it be too dark by then?” Joshua asks, looking up at the sky while taking a sip from his drink. The cars started to use the light when driving and it’s a two hour drive. “Should we just find a hotel?”

Jeonghan laughs, tilting his head to the side with that endearing look. “Ji, look around you. The only thing you’ll find is a motel.” He says, a smirk playing on his lips. “I’m sorry but I ain’t sleeping in that.”

“Are there airbnbs?”

“Not at this hour.” He replies, scrolling down his phone as though he’s searching when they both know he’s not inclined to sleep in any of them. “My house is more comfortable.”

Joshua rolls his eyes, as the latter starts the engine to look for a decent place to have a complete dinner. “So,” he trails off, staring at his side profile. “You have a taste for the fancy. Shouldn’t you be working then? Not that,” he mutters, realizing how awful his words sound. “I mean, you know, just to keep up with the lifestyle you’re having now.”

Instead of getting offended, Jeonghan laughs. “I’m good where I am.”

“Money doesn’t last for a lifetime.”

“I know.”

“You have a plan, right?” Joshua asks, leaning back and staring out the window. It would be crazy if he didn’t have one. He’s probably just toying with people around him, because he enjoys giving people the scare of their life.

Jeonghan clicks his tongue. “Do I?”

“You do,” he replies for him. “You’re a genius not a beggar.”

“Your words.” Jeonghan says, clicking his tongue. He shoots him a grin before looking back at the road.

Dangerous.

Is he aware that the actions he does can easily make a person fall in love with him? He’s also attractive. His charming smile, laugh, wink and grin are a weapon, probably only a taken person who’s deeply in love with their partners could escape. Joshua’s only human but he knows there could be nothing between them. Jeonghan can’t like him, maybe as a friend but not more. He can’t like him.

By the restaurant, they slip into a single booth. Perfect for privacy, sparing them from people ogling. The thought alone would have been uncomfortable. He goes in first, sliding onto the booth and setting the table while the latter confirms their order.

It’s funny how he stayed for a different reason and yet he’s here, having dinner with Jeonghan because he thought he could somehow convince him that working in a company is good. He should probably just mind his own business and try to stay afloat with little that he has. Yoon’s problems aren’t his and even as friends, Joshua knows there’s nothing he can do. 

Therefore, he should drop the mask, he should drop trying to act that he’s above him. He spent years living like that and he ended up miserable. He should’ve known that nothing good came from trying to compete against Yoon Jeonghan. Besides, this isn’t a competition. Joshua only wants to make sure his pride doesn’t stop him from having something big. If the latter is known for fighting his father, it means he would always let his anger cloud his judgment.

The door opens and Jeonghan walks in, taking a seat on the opposite side of his. He’s on his phone, scrolling as he leans back on the wall. His attention is absorbed by his phone.

Joshua can’t be one to judge, however, back then, Jeonghan didn’t use to be on his phone a lot. He would use it in class when the course bores him but on outings he barely uses it. The phone is always in his hand but he barely looks at it, paying attention to everyone around him. Joshua finds it fascinating how he manages to keep the conversation flowing smoothly with everyone. All points made, everyone included, mindful even to those speaking behind his backs. It would be weird for someone like him to be unaware of his surroundings.

He needs a drink.

Whenever he thought of Jeonghan, praises were the last thing if ever. Now, he’s painting him to be the best person. Although if he were to be honest, he isn’t painting him to be, Jeonghan simply is incredible. Joshua just couldn’t realize it because he was busy hating on him for being perfect and having everything he wished for. Good grades without sleepless nights. A big group of friends who like him. Magnificent visuals. Great body. Mesmerizing voice. Personality of gold.

Joshua sighs. It’s true that when you like someone, everything about them changes.

“Are you going through the five stages of grief?”

He looks up, surprised to find Jeonghan’s eyes on him. His attention was on his phone, it shouldn’t be on him. “No.”

“What are you thinking about?” Jeonghan asks, leaning forward. “I can help.”

Joshua raises an eyebrow at him, leaning forward. “Yoon Jeonghan,” he says calmly, but he sees the way the latter’s pupils and posture changes. “How do you plan to live your life?”

Jeonghan huffs, holding his gaze. “Peaceful. Happily in love with my partner.”

“You think love lasts forever?” He asks, quite shocked by the last part. Not being in a relationship doesn’t mean never loving a person. He must have found his match but he isn’t dating them. If he thinks he doesn’t have a chance, Joshua finds it ridiculous that any person was confidently shooting their shot.

“You don’t?” The latter asks, arching an eyebrow at him. “That’s sad for a writer.”

“I told you fiction and reality are too different.”

“Why should love be?”

“I’m not saying that.”

“Have you given up on love?”

Joshua opens his mouth but words get lost. Luckily, the door opens and the waiters come in carrying their food. A plate of meat to grill and two bowls of ramen, eggs and tteokbokki along with side dishes. It smells delicious.

“Should I grill the meat?” The waiter asks.

“We’ll be fine.” Jeonghan answers, offering a smile as the waiter leaves.

Too bad, Joshua was really looking forward to escaping the question. He takes a bite of the ramen and the boiled egg. It’s curing his appetite. He tastes all the side dishes, not letting room for the question or the silence of the answer fill the space between them.

He hasn’t given up on love. It’s just the last thing on his mind. He barely goes out to meet people and doesn’t find the motivation to. In his mind, he’ll end up alone raising dogs instead of cats. A loyal companion that wouldn’t leave him. But that’s a sad answer and he doesn’t want to kill the mood with sadness.

“I haven’t.” He answers, smiling at the nonchalant arch of an eyebrow from the latter. “I’m keeping it in a safe place.”

“Sounds like giving up to me.”

“What about you?” Joshua asks, taking the responsibility to grill the meat seeing as the latter is doing a terrible job at it.

“I’ve never given up on anything in my life.” Jeonghan replies, smugly.

He’s given up on being his friend. Joshua nods, feigning disinterest. “Sounds like you’re in love,” he remarks, swallowing the bitterness in his tone with a smile. “Yet, here you are having dinner with me instead of pursuing that love interest of yours.”

 Jeonghan laughs, putting the meat on his plate. “Eat.”

“You’re ignoring the point,” Joshua retorts, picking up the meat the latter had given him. He doesn’t like that he’s right but it would look even weirder if someone attractive like Jeonghan doesn’t have a love interest. The question left. Why is he still single?

“I’m not.” He replies, holding his gaze. “I just barely got the chance to be with that person.”

“Why?”

“Why are you so interested?” Jeonghan counters, taking a sip from his can of soda and pouring him a drink.

Joshua shrugs, holding his glass toward him. It feels like an approval, his heart fluttering at the action. He’s heard that Jeonghan doesn’t drink with just anyone, being very selective of people. Technically, he isn’t drinking with him directly but a man can dream.

He takes a sip first before thinking of an answer. Maybe he could work for his partner, after all Joshua would do anything in order to have his partner proud of him. He would want to always present the best version of himself. 

“The only time I saw you with a partner is Seungcheol,” he says, raising an eyebrow at him. “But I know you both weren’t in love with each other. It was too obvious, I’m surprised everyone took you seriously.” He mutters, smiling at him. The two of them didn’t even kiss and spent most of the time betting on who would break the news of their break up first. “To hear you say you’ve been interested in someone is—”

“A testament that I’m not arrogant.” Jeonghan cuts in, laughing to himself as he picks up the meat to put them on his plate.

“Yah,” Joshua scolds, pouring himself another drink. “I’m happy for you.”

Jeonghan looks up, grimacing at him. 

He doesn’t believe him but Joshua is truly happy for him. It’s bittersweet. His now only friend is in love and will forget about him. It’s bitter because he really loved hanging out with him. It’s different from the dull walk at night with his editor or their coffee talk session. Somehow, being with Jeonghan is enjoyable, ten times more enjoyable.

He’s happy for him but he’s also a bit sad to be left out once again.

“Are you in love?” Jeonghan asks, tilting his head to the side.

Joshua blinks, meeting his eyes quietly before looking away. His hand clenches into a fist on his lap, heart almost jumping out at the question in comparison. It feels like he’s been caught but he isn’t so sure. Even as a writer, love is confusing. It can never be defined by a single definition. Love blooms in the most unbelievable places. It doesn’t wait and it sure doesn’t need permission. There’s no time or logic.

“I’m not.” He replies not because he entirely believes in it but because it’s the only thing he can tell him for now. Love is weird like that. He can’t be falling in love with Jeonghan. It doesn’t make sense. His heart is simply confusing kindness with love. It’s been so long since he hung out around people and it could be a bit confusing. 

Besides, Jeonghan has a way to make everyone fall for him.

Even now, he’s smiling and looking intensely at him. Joshua can’t even hold his gaze because he feels like the latter might see through him. He drinks another glass, the tension suffocating him. The air is hot, pressing on him like it is demanding answers. It is betraying him and siding with Jeonghan even when it should be on his side. He’s been very careful about the environment, barely driving his mother’s car.

The only thing on his side is Jeonghan’s phone whose ringtone cuts through the silence. Jeonghan sighs before he steps out after checking the caller ID.

Alone, Joshua feels like he can finally breathe. He doesn’t. He pours himself a drink and then another. It might be the solution to escape the nagging thought that presses at his head and heart. He finishes the glass and pours himself another. As a friend, he should tell him that his actions can cause the other part to misunderstand.

The door opens and Jeonghan walks in, tossing his phone on the ground like it’s a worthless object. “Sorry,” he apologizes, finishing his bowl.

Joshua blinks, hating how short the call has been. It must be his family calling because that toss was definitely personal unless his love interest didn’t like him, hanging out with him. It should be his cue.

“How fast do you get mad?” The question slips him without thinking and for an author, he’s really embarrassed.

Jeonghan frowns, a smile escaping him despite it. “Let’s just say dad has a degree in making me mad.”

Joshua nods because he does recall Jeonghan returning rudeness for rudeness without getting mad. His father must really want that position to poke at him even as they have argued two days before if not just yesterday. “You shouldn’t let people get to you,” he says, knowing it’s easier said than done.

“You’re right. I should just ignore his calls.”

“That’s deflecting and running away.”

Jeonghan shakes his head, taking a bite of the meat and saving him the last piece. “He has my answer. It’s not going to change overnight.”

“What if you have a partner?” Joshua asks, holding the glass of soju.

“What does it change? My answer is no.”

He catches himself smiling, contradicting the reason he wanted to go out with him. However, in a strange way, it makes him happy that Jeonghan is firm about his decision. Back then, whenever he made a decision, it always proved to be the best. Joshua trusts that Jeonghan knows what he’s doing.

“You’re cool,” he mutters, shyly. “I always appreciated your confidence, at times, secretly hating it.” The revelation surprises even him. Still, he doesn’t want secrets between them. “You were effortlessly you and I envied you for years.”

“How much did you drink?”

Joshua laughs, shaking his head. His entire face feels hot but it’s not the kind that comes from embarrassment and therefore he finds no reason to hide. He tilts his head to the side, smiling as their eyes meet. “Even when I hated the spotlight, I didn’t want you to have it. Woah,” he mumbles, blinking for a second long at the memories of his stupid self. “Jeonghan this and Jeonghan that, everyone called out your name when it was me who answered the question, it was unfair.”

“Ji—”

“Now, I would love to hear you win.” Joshua confesses, biting at his lip. He can’t believe he said it out loud but it’s true and he doesn’t want to hide it anymore. They might not even see each other after tonight. “I want to hear that you got what you want because you deserve it, but mostly because I can’t imagine a world where you lose against anyone. Not even me.”

Joshua shrugs, cheeks heating up even more when Jeonghan doesn’t look away. When he looks at him with that quiet expression where you can’t guess the thought in his mind. His eyes don’t leave him but he’s not looking. He’s listening to him and he isn’t judging him. He’s not mocking him for his thoughts.

Joshua nods, licking his lips and taking a deep breath. His thoughts are scattered everywhere and it’s worse that Jeonghan isn’t saying anything. He might as well just speak out everything that is in his heart. And yet, he finds himself asking. “Don’t you find it weird?”

“I’m surprised that you used to hate me.” Jeonghan says in a calm tone, not accompanied by a smile or a grin. “I kinda knew it or more like had a hunch because I didn’t want to believe that you hated me but hearing you say it,” he mutters, tiling his head for a second, the way people do when they’re checking their facts. “Was I really awful to you?”

It tears at his heart to hear him say it. He didn’t think Jeonghan even knew he existed. They always went past each other.

“No,” Joshua replies, shaking his head. “I didn’t hate you,” he says quietly because it was more jealousy than anything. He sniffles, tears gathering in his eyes. “I wanted you to notice the efforts that I made. You were amazing but so was I. It was annoying that you always move to the front and I’m stuck behind.” 

“You ignored me whenever I came to talk to you,” Jeonghan defends, leaning forward. “You never looked me in the eye.”

“That’s because people like you don’t interact with people like me.”

“And yet you talked to Seungcheol just fine.”

“That’s because he is my friend,” Joshua replies with a shrug. He also tried to ignore him at first but the latter persisted and as they accidentally met on vacation, their friendship bloomed. It was different being with Seungcheol because the latter rejected the fame unlike Jeonghan who basked in it.

“Hypocrite.”

“Yah. It doesn’t matter.” Joshua scoffs, tossing his scarf at him. “Aren’t we friends now?”

Jeonghan leans back, shaking his head. “I don’t want to be your friend.”

“Too bad.” Joshua mutters, shrugging his shoulders and pouring himself another drink. “You don’t have a choice and you should be honored to be my friend. I don’t have that many of them.” He mutters and drinks the entire glass, pointing at him. “In fact, you should be even more honored as it’s a choice. With Seungcheol and my mom, it kinda just happened.”

“I’m flattered,” the latter replies, sarcastically.

“Really?” Joshua asks, because he’s tipsy and might as well read one tone for another. Jeonghan’s smile and nod makes it worth it. He drops his head down, feeling like a teenager discovering love all over again. It’s embarrassing. “Why am I starting to like you?” He asks, ruffling his hair as he looks up.

Jeonghan visibly freezes, his mind short-circuiting for a second. Then he reaches for the glass in his hand. “Let’s stop drinking for tonight.”

Joshua pouts, holding firmly to the glass but his strength is no match to the latter. Therefore, he gives up and reaches for the bottle. He manages a sip before Jeonghan snatches even that from his hands. The man hands him a bottle of water, putting the bottle by his side and out of reach.

It’s unfair.

Joshua tosses the bottle on the ground and stretches his hand toward him. “You’re not the only one embarrassed,” he voices out, because that thought was not supposed to slip out.

Jeonghan rolls his eyes at him, giving him the can of soda instead of the alcohol drink. “Don’t you know that you talk a lot when drunk?”

“Don’t you like that?” He retorts, contenting himself with the can of soda. He takes a small sip and looks up. Jeonghan is still looking at him, he probably never looked away. It’s annoying because he keeps holding his gaze no matter what.

“I guess you’re likeable when you let yourself go,” Jeonghan comments, grinning at him. His eyes light up in the same way whenever he’s planning something, it’s that glint that screams ‘my way.’ Joshua used to hate it but, right now, he doesn’t even mind as he knows the latter is about to pry at more sensitive topics. “You said you were sorry when we were walking together. Why?”

Joshua blinks, taking a bite of the last piece of meat. “Because it would embarrass you to be seen with me,” he answers as it never was a mystery. It’s normal. Everyone sees it, people are staring at them because they don’t belong with each other. 

“Why?” Jeonghan asks, frowning at him.

For being smart, he sometimes overlooks social cues. 

“Look at you,” Joshua says, pointing at him with a crooked smile. “You’re so hot, and I’m just me.”

“You’re pretty,” Jeonghan replies instantly, the words tumbling out before he can soften them or think better of it. “Hot too,” he adds, fumbling only slightly, trying to recover. “In your own unique way.”

Joshua pauses, staring at the can of soda because he can’t look at him. He might misunderstand, he might read into it more than necessary. After all he’s an author, he overthink everything and creates stories when none exist. However, the fact that he can’t overlook is the compliment. Jeonghan never complimented anyone before. At least, he never heard it before. It can’t be a fact, then.

“You’re saying that to make me feel good.” He counters, raising an eyebrow at him with a deliberate shrug. “I know everyone is beautiful in their own way and I am not saying I’m ugly but I am not pretty. I didn’t even dress up the part.” He didn’t put on makeup on his face and barely put any colored lip balm. His hair has been styled with only his hands to make it look neat.

“You don’t have to dress up.” Jeonghan says, refusing to break eye contact.

“Then I’m not pretty.”

“You are to me.”

The words make him pause—not long enough to be noticed, Joshua hopes. His hand stills, his expression tightens, then relaxes. He exhales through his nose, masking pause as thoughtfulness. However, the amount he drank makes it impossible to think straight. He doesn’t even know if he can win by trying to deflect the attention, he might fall deeper into the hole.

“Ji,” Jeonghan carries on, having mercy. “You want me to win, but I don’t think you can handle it.”

“Why do you think I can’t handle it?” Joshua asks, maintaining eye contact. “I’m sincerely hoping you win.”

Jeonghan smirks, then drops his gaze down. “Shall we have that talk when you’re sober?” He asks, getting up and gathering their stuff.

“I’m not saying that just because I’m drunk.” Joshua counters, getting up. He’s tipsy, not completely out of himself. He knows what he said and he’s not afraid to say it again. “Yoon Jeonghan,” he calls out, marching to him and holding his hand to stop him from walking out just yet. It’s not that he won’t be able to say it somewhere else. It’s not because he doesn’t want to hold his hand in front of everyone. However when Jeonghan’s eyes fall on him, it might just be all of it. “Your name is too long.”

Jeonghan chuckles, shaking his head. “My name is two syllables, yours is three.”

“That’s why you call me Ji,” he wonders but everyone usually uses the last syllables. “You should just call me shua.”

“No. That’s what everyone calls you.” Jeonghan rejects, shaking his head. “I ought to be different from them. It’s only mine to use and no one else.”

“That’s true in a way,” Joshua agrees, nodding his head. “You really make your own rules.”

“Then make yours too.”

“Hannie,” he tries, raising an eyebrow at him. “Since you use my first syllable, I would use your last.”

“Sure.”

“No one should call you that but me.”

“Deal,” Jeonghan mutters, opening the door and leading the way. He says it in a final tone, like it’s the best thing that happened. There’s a smile that you can hear in his tone. 

And love might be blinding but it doesn’t make one deaf. Joshua knows he’s being hopeful but Jeonghan is in love with someone and that person might not be him. Yet if there’s even a tiny possibility that it might be him, he would hold on into it. He would cherish it and live in it as long as he can. If only he could be the winner of his heart. 

For once, he doesn’t want to believe there are greater people than him. For once, he wants to be enough for someone. For once, he wants to be picked not by being wealthier or prettier but for breathing and existing. Love should be simple. Love should bring humility and balance. Love pushes the greatest pair to exist together and therefore he won’t complain, even if he were to lose.

He gets inside the passenger seat when Jeonghan opens the door, curling on himself. The latter hands him the scarf and Joshua puts it aside because it doesn’t really cover the cold. The latter disappears without closing the door and the cold is making him sober. “Woah,” Joshua mutters out loud. “What a gentleman,” his voice fades when Jeonghan appears with his long white coat. “Sorry.”

Petty, Jeonghan tosses the coat at him and closes the door.

Joshua laughs, still. 

He wants this. 

He might complain if he loses.

After putting on his seatbelt, he covers himself with Jeonghan’s white coat. It’s warm and his. He had it over his shoulder this morning and carries a hint of his perfume. And now Joshua is the one who has it. “We swapped,” he says, taking his hand out to grab at his scarf once the latter gets inside. He reaches over and places the scarf on Jeonghan’s neck.

“Thank you.” Jeonghan lets his hand drift across the fabric with a smile.

“It’s not late to find a hotel,” he mumbles, looking up at the dark sky. “It’s really dark. It might even rain,” he mutters, having checked the weather while they were inside the restaurant.

“There’s no hotels in this area.” 

“What’s the other one motel? But it looks cheap in kdrama,” Joshua mutters, shaking his head. It always shows drunk people and he’s made his research about it when the question had burned his mind. Motels aren’t secure, they’re built for a quick night.

“It is cheap.” Jeonghan confirms with a nod, starting the engine. “And you might not even find enough rooms, it gets easily occupied at night.”

“One bed trope,” Joshua says, chuckling to himself. Even drunk, even at moments like this, he can’t stop himself from thinking about books and tropes. The famous excuse to bring the main characters closer. It’s laughable and not his favorite scene to read. “It’s famous in books.”

“Unless it’s a king size bed with high quality furniture,” Jeonghan says, pulling to the driveway. “I’m not sleeping in that.”

Joshua laughs, leaning on the chair and turning to face him. He doesn’t know if it’s because he’s tipsy or the overall conversations they had, but he’s somehow inclined to look at him. Jeonghan looks cool driving with one hand. He’s cool with everything that he does and Joshua would never tire looking at him.  

“Adjust the seat and sleep.”

“Who’s going to stay awake with you?” He asks, fighting to keep his eyes open. The latter has driven all the way because he agreed to see the beach, it would be unfair to sleep while he stays awake for another two hours. 

“I don’t mind.”

“I do.”

Jeonghan chuckles, shaking his head. “I’m used to it, don’t worry.”

“So what?” Joshua shrugs, pulling the coat higher as rain starts falling. “Company is always good or do you prefer me to shut up?” The question doesn’t make sense even to himself, therefore he doesn’t wait for an answer. “Do rich people have chauffeur?”

“Since when do you know French?”

“I’m smart.”

“Anyone can have a driver,” Jeonghan replies, smiling. He also shakes his head, glancing at him but he doesn’t say anything. The thought and the words are there but he doesn’t say them. He’s careful, wanting to tease him without saying much.

Joshua smiles, staring ahead at the car’s windshield wiper working against the rain. He’s thankful for having his feelings taken into consideration. It’s not much, especially since he wouldn’t have hated it. The latter always has his reason for everything that he does and therefore this outing Joshua wouldn’t take it haphazardly. It was done for him. 

Anything else, he wants to forget it.

He doesn’t want to read much into anything because at the end of the day, he’s in the car with Jeonghan driving back to his apartment. There’s no one else and no other motive. It was them, laying down beside each other at the yacht, walking beside each other in the streets, making bets, playing and eating. Even if he tried to keep it impersonal, Joshua failed miserably. He liked hanging out with him and not even once Jeonghan looked bored.

Jeonghan listened to him. He asked and listened to his answer. He teased him and stared at his smile. He laughed and made him laugh. He made sure there wasn’t any discomfort, chased it away. No matter which angle he looks at it, Joshua can’t deny that the interest was there.

He would complain hard if he loses.

“Can I put on some music?” Joshua asks, taking the phone without waiting for permission. It’s like he knew the latter wouldn’t mind. However, the moment the screen lights up, he pauses. The passcode. He glances at him, handing back the phone.

“My birthday,” Jeonghan says, focusing on the road, although he glances his way with a smile. “Ten—”

“Zero, four.” Joshua finishes, tapping the numbers. It’s easy for a password, anyone can guess it. He must have really nothing to hide in his phone just like the unbothered person he is.

“You know my birthday?”

“They used to celebrate your birthday, don’t you remember?” He hums, arching an eyebrow at him. It’s like a big event happening. Jeonghan was so popular, even the grade below them congratulated him on that day as though a celebrity was present among them. “There would be cake, snacks and drinks all over the classroom.”

Jeonghan clicks his tongue, nodding but it’s clear he has forgotten all about it. He shakes his head, chasing away the memory and Joshua laughs. It might have been his less favorite person’s birthday but it was still his favorite day. Free snacks and drinks for everyone, no one would hate that. The cake was always a hit, his favorite flavor.

Joshua clicks on the music app, putting on the song that’s been playing in his mind for an hour now. He can’t stop singing the lyrics. It’s fitting and comforting altogether. He extends his hand to the backseat, grabbing the snacks and the flavored milk they brought.

If he has any intention to stay up for the ride, he should snack on something and try to cure his tipsiness.

The winner takes it all by abba.

The song starts playing and he hums along. He does agree that the winner takes it all and the loser has to fall. In life, there’s always a winner and a loser. It’s the way it works, a balance that doesn’t bend to pity or mercy. It’s cruel. Even when the intention isn’t to hurt, someone has to lose. In sports. In education. In careers. Behind someone’s win there’s always tears of a loss.

He cried so much, being born in the middle of a competitive environment. If not about his grades it’s about money or popularity or beauty. They always had to pick and bully each other in order to survive. Words about toughing up oneself didn’t magically appear one day. It built up with time when people needed to rise above each other, no matter what.

“I want to be the winner of your heart.”

“Joshua. Don’t say that.”

“Why?” Joshua asks, looking out the window of his side. It’s probably the rarest case when he called him by his full name. Normally it should make him happy but he doesn’t like it. He prefers when the latter uses the nickname he made for him.

“You’re drunk,” Jeonghan says, tightening his grip around the wheel. “You’ll probably forget it tomorrow.”

He blinks, chuckling at the comment. He didn’t drink the entire bottle, the latter must have known since he took it away from him. Besides, he’s sobered up with snacks and drinks. It’s rejection if he’s trying to blame it on the alcohol.

“I won’t.” Joshua replies, a sad smile appearing on his lips. He tries trace it on the window with his finger but he can only look at the projected image of the older. “But you’re right I should probably not say that, you already love someone.”

He should never have fed those thoughts, should have starved them before they named it love. 

That smile had given him a warmth that felt earned, as if it were meant for him alone, and his foolish heart loosened its grip on caution. The grin, the low spill of laughter, blurred the edges of reason; even his mind, which should have stayed sharp and skeptical, surrendered to the comfort of it. He knows where the fault lies. He let himself fall for the sound of that laugh, for the way an arm came around him without asking, and he leaned in as though it were safe to rest there.

Even now he curls inward, fingers tight around his coat, holding it close as if it could return the heat he imagined, as if fabric could stand in for an embrace he mistook for real.

Jeonghan scoffs, looking away before focusing back on the road. “It’s you.” He says, not sparing him a glance. Not even once. He keeps his eyes on the road, his right hand clenching into a fist and unclenching before he rests in on his lap. “I love you.”

The music becomes background noise even as the beat gets louder.

Joshua feels like he’s fallen behind. His heart isn’t beating fast like everyone describes love to be. It is quiet, aching in silence as his mind tries to make sense of the words.

“You liar.”

“I told you,” Jeonghan laughs, shaking his head. “You’re not ready to see me win.”

“Why would you love me?” Joshua asks, turning around to face him. The projection of him on the window isn’t giving answers because it isn’t clear. Now that he can catch a glimpse of his eyes, he’ll know. Eyes can’t lie and Jeonghan never softened his gaze to tell a lie.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Are you going to say something film worthy like everyone was wrapped around your fingers but I? Are you going to tell me that your love is just a way to conquer someone because you can’t stand them hating you?” He asks, voice rising despite his best efforts to not shout. It doesn’t make sense because they’re not misunderstood characters. Real life follows rules and those rules forbid their story from playing out.

“I thought you were drunk.” Jeonghan says, expression blank. He’s not looking at him. He isn’t acknowledging him and it hurts.

“Yoon Jeonghan, that’s not love.” Joshua mutters, but even as the words leave his mouth, he wishes the latter contradicts him. For all his big talk about complaining, he is doing it in the worst ways. He hates himself for always bringing out logic and people’s perspective but that’s just the way of doing things. He’s lived by them and his life might have turned bland in all aspects, however, he didn’t have problems.

Life follows an order.

“You’re right.” Jeonghan says, playing with the end of the scarf. “I might have been mistaken.”

‿︵‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿︵‿

Mistakes are quieter than articles that dissect his choices and scatter his name across pages and screens. 

A mistake belongs to a moment; it can be traced, understood and owned without spectacle. It proves he acted not that he intended harm. What is broken can be repaired, or at least tended to with hands. A mistake leaves room for growth, for apology that carries weight, for effort that shows change over time. Public judgment hardens into permanence but error remains human. 

Mistakes breathe. They allow forgiveness to enter as permission to keep living and learning.

However Yoon Jeonghan rarely makes mistakes, at least not those that reflect his true nature.

Joshua groans, turning around under the covers. The morning sun slips in through the big window, mocking him as though it wasn’t heavily raining at night. Nothing is on his side anymore, he might as well return to his four wall room. His sanctuary against everything that challenges his comfort. It’s been a nice fun day which he hasn’t had in years, why did he decide to talk his feelings out?

One night and it would all have been over.

Now he no longer has a friend.

Joshua sighs, tossing the cover as he sits up. Their friendship wouldn’t have worked either way, time difference would make it impossible and people would make fun of him. The first night he ran into him, Jeonghan said something strange the moment they were going to walk inside the party building. He said he’d gather the negative energy and seeing that he's not on good terms with his father, he must already have it bad. Being his friend would push more people to turn their back on him.

There’s no telling if he’s actually in love with him.

He shakes his head, there’s no way that is true. It’s impossible to fall in love with a person in a day, it’s possible that you might start to like them which represents his current situation. However Jeonghan said he’s in love with that person. He must’ve known them for so long and it simply doesn’t apply to them. They barely interacted and they never had a chance to get close to one another.

It’s unreasonable. Joshua absolutely hates it, he probably is the only person to end the best thing he ever had in an awkward moment. He should’ve just accepted it, when else would Jeonghan confess to him. It’s probably a one time thing. Speaking of which, that’s arguably the only reason he’s single. No one can accept themselves as his partner because he’s simply outstanding. Is that even a word he can use for a person?

He silently shouts against the pillow, pushing away to get up. He doesn’t have anyone to talk to or ask for their opinion. The only person he can think of is both their friend and it would be unfair to make him choose. He should just shut up and suffer in silence. That’s what he’s best at. His morning routine goes perfectly horrible. He can’t stop thinking about him and his words for one second. Even as he brushes his teeth, he can’t stop thinking about the way his eyes soften looking at him, glinting when he’s about to tease him. 

The lazy stare when he’s listening to him with a smile, his favorite yet.

His reflection on the mirror is as smitten as his heart is. Joshua slaps his cheeks a few times, pushing them up. Even in grimaces, Jeonghan wouldn’t look ugly. Such an unfair world.

But the world must go on.

He opens the bedroom door with caution, peeking around the living room making sure it is empty. The couch, check. The balcony, check. The hallway, check. He exhales, tiptoeing quietly his way to the kitchen. The mission is to cook a bowl of ramen without bringing up last night’s talk. 

Surprisingly it’s going smoothly, until he hears the front door unlocking and footsteps. If he were to think about it, anyone could walk in. Even his grandfather didn’t need him to open the door. However, the thought of anyone catching him using his kitchen is worse.

“Do you want hangover soup?”

Typical of him to skip the morning greetings. Does it mean he’s mad? Would he kick him out if he says no? No. He really should stop being influenced by dramas and unrealistic thoughts.

“Good morning,” Joshua greets, bowing his head. “I’ll just make ramen, I’m craving some.”

“Can you make me a bowl too?”

Joshua looks up, meeting his eyes. Jeonghan looks tired, like he barely slept. It was an exhausting day, he should’ve taken rest instead of waking up early. He must’ve left for more than two hours and Joshua knows because his morning routine usually takes an hour and besides his thoughts kept him up, hiding under the covers trying to search for a plausible answer.

“Sure.” He replies, offering a smile. This one, Jeonghan doesn’t return.

He nods to himself as the older walks back to his room, hands in his jacket’s pocket. He’s way too quiet for his liking. This isn’t what he imagined the morning to be but after calling him a liar for confessing, he only has himself to blame. After everything, Joshua is still wishing for the latter’s mercy. How pathetic.

The four packs are set aside as he puts the water to boil.

His entire life he feared rejection, but really he feared the way people would perceive him after the rejection. It’s always about people’s thoughts and as he stands watching the water boil, he is thinking about their thoughts, still. A wedge is drawn between them and he’s thinking about the words that would come out if they became friends.

“What do you think love is?”

The question doesn’t come out of the blue and that’s worse.

“Is this about yesterday?” Joshua asks, leaning on the counter as he faces him. He feels stupid for being jealous only to reject the thought that Jeonghan likes him. It’s confusing even to him.

“Because people think love is when you can’t stop thinking about a person. Love is when you simply like the person for who they are, not for what they present to you.” Jeonghan mutters with a shrug, crossing the distance to stand in front of him. “If someone appeals to you, it’s natural for you to like them and want to be around them. That’s not love,” he continues, leaning on the counter facing him.

Joshua pauses, blinking as he replays the words in his mind.

“For me, love is that person. Love isn’t thinking about them and who they might be, what they might be like, what their reaction would be if we were to do something together. No. Love is being the reason your significant other smiles and laughs. Love is being around because you simply can’t live without them. Love is sacrifice, pain, endurance and hope. Love is many things but nothing without that person.”

A tear falls and Joshua lifts his hand too late to wipe it. He tries to say something but he can’t, he can only stare at the ground. Jeonghan has a point. Love is an emotion like others, it’s only the person that makes it special.

“Love is what keeps you going,” Jeonghan says, holding his hand and shortening the distance between them. “My grandpa gifted me the company that he had in Japan when he saw that I learned Japanese. I refused it because it was a permanent stay and I feared that you would come to Seoul while I was away. As you can see, even my apartment is the same because it’s an address that you know. The reason I went to the party is the hope that you’ll be there. Even when you left, I didn’t give up because no news is good news and as long as no bad news came about you, I held to the thought that I’ll see you again.”

Joshua looks up and Jeonghan’s eyes soften, tilting his head to hold his stare. He feels betrayed, an emotion so out of place it’s confusing but the pain is there. Jeonghan refused a better future out of hope to see him. Another tear falls and he can’t wipe it away because the latter isn’t letting go of his hand Joshua doesn’t want to let go either.

“You can love someone from afar, it doesn’t make it any less real. Of course, you want to hug them, talk to them and kiss them but it’s not only because you can’t, that it means your love for them isn’t real. Seeing you was enough because you weren’t comfortable with me and I didn’t want to ruin your days. I didn’t mind admiring you from afar until you disappeared.” Jeonghan pauses, letting go of his hand to wipe the tear that has fallen down his cheek. “I went insane. I promised myself to never let you go if I was given a chance to see you.”

Joshua closes his eyes, leaning on the latter’s hand. The tears keep on falling but he doesn’t bother wiping them away as his heart still aches and cries. The person he ran away from is the person who longed for him the most. If only he had known that Jeonghan didn’t hate him nor tried to steal his light.

“You could’ve typed my name. Those last years, it would’ve come out.” He mumbles, opening his eyes because it would’ve saved him the heartache. Then, he wouldn’t have tried to toughen up his heart.

“I didn’t want to pry on your life. I don’t want you to remember me as some rich man who can get their hands on everything they want.”

“But that’s your reality.”

“I don’t want to be that with you. I only want to be Jeonghan with you.” Jeonghan replies with a grin, gripping his chin to look at him. He really has a way to turn a sad confession to a happy one with just a smile.

“Then I want to be Joshua.” He replies, pouting at him.

“No. Shine bright,” Jeonghan says, taking another step and closing the distance between them. “Let me brag to everyone that my partner is the best author of this generation.” He continues, intertwining their fingers together.

“I’m not.”

“You’ll be, just stick to being you.”

Joshua laughs, placing his head on the latter’s chest as he looks down. Jeonghan is looking at him like he truly believes his career would be big. Apart from his mother, no one truly believed in him. His dreams were laughable because he was the quiet boy of the promotion. They say only bright people who dared to dream big would make it to the top and mocked the quiet ones who also wanted to dream big. 

“Ah–” Jeonghan mutters, pulling him away from the counter.

Startled, Joshua looks up, checking Jeonghan’s expression first. The fear of judgement being the first surpassing even pain. It’s only when he sees Jeonghan eyeing the stove with a guilty smile that he can relax. He turns around, chuckling at the scene. The pot of boiling water was completely forgotten.

He laughs, stepping away from the embrace in order to cook their breakfast. The water is enough for four packs and he doesn’t want to waste it. He puts the ramen first and prepares the seasoning at the side. They have to be added near the end and let it cook even more so that the flavor gets absorbed.

Two arms wrap around his waist in the most natural way possible. The surprise easily vanishes like the latter’s arms always belonged on his waist. His warm presence behind him doesn’t feel like a mockery but a solid weight that would always keep him afloat. Joshua smiles, picking up the chopsticks and stirring the noodles as he adds the seasonings. He tilts his head to the side, letting the latter place his chin on his shoulder and peeking at the bowl.

“That’s how you make perfect ramen.” He says, picking up the spice.

“I don’t need to learn, not when I have you.” Jeonghan mutters, pulling him closer. 

The older lands a kiss on his cheek and the action almost makes Joshua drop the chopsticks. It’s sudden but heartwarming. He turns to him and Jeonghan only smiles, arching an eyebrow at him. Joshua wishes he also was bold and daring like him. It might not be much but he leans in, pecking his lips.

Jeonghan blinks at him, surprised before his grin winders and pulls him closer. Joshua lets out a laugh as the latter pulls in for a gentle kiss and then another. They have to keep pulling away as their laughter and smile makes it impossible to lean in for a full kiss. Still, it’s their moment. It’s better than all the yearning kisses he’s seen on the series and dramas, because this one is fully his.

“Wait,” he mutters, putting both his arms on the older’s chest to stop him from closing the distance once again. “Breakfast. It’ll get cold.”

“I can buy ten more.”

“Don’t be so wasteful,” Joshua scolds, hitting his shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere,” he mumbles, smile falling. It will come. The ticket will have to be purchased but not yet.

“Don’t go.” Jeonghan says, moving to the fridge. He picks two cans of soda and turns around. “Move in with me or we can move somewhere else but don’t leave me.”

Joshua smiles, putting the pot on the counter where the latter already placed soda. “I moved away to start a new life,” he says, taking a seat beside him. “Even as I moved to another country, I always wondered what words followed my name here in Seoul. I wondered if people called me a coward and then when I published my book, I wondered if they mocked me. But they probably never cared.”

“They were worried,” Jeonghan mutters, maintaining eye contact. “Everyone was surprised because you never got into quarrels and fights. No one would dare to call you a coward, I wouldn’t let it happen and it doesn’t suit you.”

“But I was,” he admits, smiling.

Jeonghan clicks his tongue, opening his can of soda. “You probably were just worried about ruining your comfort and causing discomfort so you gave up on speaking your part.” He arches an eyebrow at him as though daring him to speak otherwise. “You hate confrontation so you left without one. That’s not being a coward. It’s choosing the easy way out and I don’t blame you for that. Choosing peace doesn’t always have to be cowardice.”

“I wonder,” Joshua says out loud, no longer having reason to hide his thoughts from him. “How much do you know about me? I wonder if you’ll always stay by my side and defend me even if I’m in the wrong.”

Jeonghan frowns but it’s theatric. He’s acting like he’s in deep thought because his answer is simple. It always is simple with him. He knows from the get-go where his choices lay and he never hesitates to speak them out. It rarely changes and right now, his choice isn’t changing. There’s that small smile on his lips even as he frowns.

“I don’t know much but I want to know you,” he answers, picking up the chopsticks and stirring the pot. He grabs a bite and raises an eyebrow, a smile adorning his lips. “You’re not wrong here, so I’ll defend your side.”

“What about in other situations?” Joshua asks, grabbing a bite too. His smile is completely influenced by the latter’s.

“I can’t imagine a world where you’re in the wrong, nor a world where we’ll stand on different sides.” He mutters, probably mocking his reply and it shows in his grin. After all, there’s no rumors about him being a romantic person. “I, Yoon Jeonghan, will always stand by your side.”

Joshua chuckles, shaking his head. “Eat.” He says, taking a bite and opening his can of soda. As he takes a sip, the topic to escape the conversation comes in. “You never told me your tip,” he mumbles, looking up at him. “That night we were talking about never getting drunk.”

“Oh,” Jeonghan mutters, tilting his head to the side. He’s trying to remember, looking around the house as though it could offer an answer. “Keep an empty bottle with you, or a glass, depends. Anyway, always keep half of it full, so that they don’t think you aren’t drinking.” He says, nodding to himself.

“So you didn’t get drunk at all that night?”

“I didn’t even get tipsy,” he says with a shrug. “Besides, my limit isn’t to a bottle. I can drink more but when you drink, you want to keep doing it. So I didn’t. Also, I don’t need a drink to have fun with the rest, they make it fun even without the drinks.”

The tables have turned. He never thought the day would come that they would sit around the kitchen counter, eating breakfast together right after sharing a series of small kisses. Life is surprising and fulfilling in its own ways. Who knew he would’ve come to love Yoon Jeonghan, the untouchable person in their promotion? Who would’ve thought that Yoon Jeonghan is in love with him, the quiet boy who never stood in the spotlight?

Joshua can’t believe it and he doesn’t know how anyone else would. If their friends would be shocked and reject the idea or support them. It makes him wonder what Seungcheol’s reaction would be. He’ll probably be amused, teasing them… No. He’ll probably only tease Jeonghan. It makes him wonder what would be their family’s reaction. His own mother would be surprised as she knows he never was fond of him. After all, she knows him as the rich person who always stole his spotlight. Jeonghan’s family’s reaction wouldn’t be much different.

As they lay on the couch, Joshua can’t stop the question from spiraling all over his mind. He’s covered by the grey blanket, watching the latest episodes of the drama play. The future scares him. It always did. He can’t say the same for the person laying their head on his lap. Jeonghan isn’t troubled, he’s watching the drama play while eating snacks they picked from the convenience store.

“We don’t have to tell anyone, right?” He asks, hoping to buy himself some more days to think it through. Even though he knows it would fuel his anxiety more than calm him down.

“Why?” Jeonghan asks, looking up.

Joshua shrugs, shaking his head. He plays with the latter’s hair, unsure of what excuse he could give him.

“Are you ashamed of me?” Jeonghan asks, sitting up and scooting closer to him. “What are you afraid of? I can scare anyone away.”

“It’s not that,” he mumbles, placing his hand on the latter’s shoulder. A chuckle escapes him at the protective words. “We just don’t make your typical couple. We’re too different and people would notice. I know a lot will talk about it.”

Jeonghan blinks, momentarily stunned but he schools his expression to a smile and an understanding look. It’s not hard to see that he doesn’t agree with him and Joshua is thankful for it. His thoughts can be a lot sometimes. The latter isn’t siding with him because he doesn’t believe in stereotypical couples. “No one has to know if you don’t want them to,” Jeonghan says, holding his hand. “We don’t have to tell the world, we can only tell our friends and the people close.”

“Thank you.” Joshua mumbles, leaning closer to him.

“Then, when you’re hundred percent sure of my feelings toward you,” Jeonghan says, moving closer until their noses brushes. “I’ll let the entire world know that the only person I fell in love with is you, Hong Joshua.”

Joshua’s at loss of words, half-reclined against the couch, spine pressed into the cushions, breath uneven in the quiet that hangs between them. Jeonghan hovers close, close enough that warmth gathers where their bodies nearly touch, one hand braced beside his shoulder as if to keep the moment from tipping too fast. 

The latter isn’t pressing for answers even as his eyes burn with too many words unsaid. Then, his eyes drop to his lips. When he leans in, it isn’t rushed. Their lips meet with a gentleness that feels deliberate, a soft press that carries reassurance more than hunger and Joshua feels it immediately. The unspoken care, the patience in the way Jeonghan pauses as if listening for permission in every breath.

The kiss deepens slowly by need. Jeonghan lingers, mouth moving with a tenderness that makes his chest ache, as though every doubt has been quieted by the simple fact of being chosen in this instant. The pace is perfect but he feels the need to give more. Jeonghan has waited for him, has waited years without knowing if he was going to come back. Joshua’s hand lifts without thinking, fingers curling into the fabric at the older’s shoulders, grounding, asking.

Jeonghan answers by leaning closer, the space between them narrowing until warmth spreads everywhere, until the kiss carries more urgency, more longing, yet never loses its softness.

Heat gathers in the shared breaths, in the way Jeonghan’s thumb brushes his jaw, steady and reverent. The kiss grows fuller, more insistent, but it remains anchored in care, in the sense that this is not about taking but about holding. It isn’t about desire but devotion threaded through it, unmistakable and real, leaving them breathless not from the kiss alone but from the certainty of being loved, of returning to each other, of finding home in each other.

The second comfort settles between them, caution is tossed just as the blanket is tossed aside.

His back separates from the couch to lay down on the older’s big bed. The quality isn’t different from the guest room’s bed but the size is noticeable. The room is much bigger but his vision is limited to Jeonghan hovering above him, chasing his lips. The kiss is messy, an excuse to cling to each other and refusing to part even for seconds. Joshua smiles into it, his hands getting tangled in the latter’s short curled hair.

A laugh escapes him. He’s truly the only one who’d attempt a daring hairstyle. It suits him, brings out his dangerous side and playful side. It represents the troubled kid who always got his way.

“I love you.”

Jeonghan halts, pulling away and arching an eyebrow at him. “Say it again,” he orders, his tone void of the playful edge and softness.

“I love you.” Joshua repeats, propelling himself up on his elbows. “I fell in love with you and I like it. I only want to be with you.”

Jeonghan’s smirk barely has time to settle before he leans down, closing the distance with intent. His mouth finds his, not gentle this time but sure, claiming, as if the words have tilted something irrevocably between them. The kiss opens quickly, breath mingling, lips parting without hesitation. It’s a kiss driven by need, tongues meeting in a slow, hungry slide that makes Joshua’s pulse stutter. There is no careful testing now, only the raw want to feel, to taste, to be closer than closeness allows.

He exhales into the kiss, a soft sound swallowed immediately as Jeonghan presses in harder, one hand bracketing his head, the other anchoring him in place. They kiss like the world has narrowed to this bed, this heat, this moment suspended outside of time. It’s messy and fervent, full of shared breath and quiet desperation, each pullback brief and breathless before they crash back together again. Every movement says don’t go, stay, choose me. Promises traded without words.

The urgency doesn’t erase the tenderness, however, it sharpens it. Jeonghan slows just enough to savor, to deepen the kiss until it aches, until it feels like something they’ll carry long after the moment ends. Joshua feels it in the way the latter lingers, in the way he kisses as though this is something precious, something meant to be remembered. As if loving him isn’t just desire, but a decision made again and again, sealed right here between their mouths.

When they pull away next, it’s only to discard the barrier that stops them from leaning fully into each other’s embrace. Their clothes are tossed aside before their hands are on each other again, exploring with fervor. However, the moment is easily broken when Jeonghan pulls away. His left hand rests on Joshua’s hips while his right hand searches for the remote on the night table.

Impatient, Joshua pushes himself upright, the movement driven more by feeling than thought. He leans in, mouth brushing along Jeonghan’s jaw before drifting down to his collarbone, each kiss slow, reverent, as if he’s learning the shape of him by heart. The realization of what he’s doing sends warmth flooding his cheeks and down his neck, a shy heat that makes him falter. He pauses there, lips hovering, suddenly aware of the intimacy of the gesture. The latter’s skin is soft beneath his mouth, warm and inviting and the idea of leaving marks on something so gentle makes his chest tighten with both desire and hesitation. 

It also would be evidence of the night.

Jeonghan shifts, reaching the remote to adjust the thermostat, the quiet hum of the room responding as warmth begins to replace the lingering chill. Then he looks back at him, expression open, unguarded, entirely sure. “Go ahead,” he says, voice low. When he opens his arms, it feels more like an offering than permission. “Mark me yours.” 

There’s no shame in the words, only certainty and it disarms Joshua more thoroughly than any touch could. There’s something achingly honest about it. Joshua wishes that he could mirror that fearlessness, that he could shed the last of his self-consciousness and step fully into the moment without second-guessing himself. He doesn’t want hesitation to wedge itself between them. He doesn’t want embarrassment to dull what’s unfolding.

So he leans in again.

He leans back in, this time without pulling away, letting his mouth linger, letting want replace doubt. The older’s hands settle against his back, guiding without pressure, holding him close as though there’s nowhere else either of them needs to be.

Pulling away, his hands move hesitantly at first, guided by Jeonghan’s hand above his. The touch feels charged, intimate as he watches the hickey formed by the older’s collarbone. Looking up, Jeonghan smirks down at him with a simple arch of an eyebrow.

“Now, I’m yours.” Jeonghan says, bending to his height.

Joshua kisses him again, it’s different from before. It’s slower, deeper, infused with the weight of everything that’s been said and everything that hasn’t. Unlike him, he’s not fun of acting bold, he’d rather keep it lowkey. Besides, the latter understands him. Jeonghan meets him fully, mouth warm and insistent, kissing him like there is no room left for doubt. Like this moment deserves to be taken seriously, cherished, remembered.

They lose track of time somewhere between breaths.

The world narrows to warmth and closeness, to the steady rhythm of shared breathing, to the way their bodies instinctively draw nearer. In the middle of it all, Joshua is aware of how safe he feels. How wanted. The realization settles into him with a surprising gentleness, making his chest ache in the best way. Every time Jeonghan touches him, it feels intentional, grounding, as if he’s being held there not just physically, but emotionally, too.

The room is warm now, the earlier chill long gone, replaced by shared heat and the quiet intimacy of being alone together. There’s no need for words. Everything important has already been said in glances, in touches, in the way neither of them pulls away.

Later, when movement slows and the urgency softens into something quieter, Joshua remains close, forehead resting against Jeonghan’s, listening to the steady beat of his heart. He feels changed like something inside him has finally found its place. The latter’s arms stay around him, protective without being possessive. The silence between them is comfortable.

The end.